It’s something people feel so angry about when they’re dieting, or trying not to eat certain foods.
When we feel deprived in a diet, everything gets lazer-focused on this food we “can’t” have.
If you notice you feel upset about NOT GETTING something you want….
….you might get stuck in a really difficult pattern of grabbing what you want, then avoiding what you want, then condemning yourself for what you want.
You get stuck in using violence and punishment or scarcity to control your mind, eating, and your future.
If you say “no” to something, you’ll really, really be deprived.
Let’s do The Work.
is that true that if you say “no” and you feel and attend only to your body’s signals, you’ll be deprived?
Yes! I want to taste, to enjoy, to consume! I don’t care what my body feels like!
Can you absolutely know it’s true you’ll feel deprived if you say no to eating something, drinking something, doing something?
Hmmmm. No.
How do you react when you believe you’ll experience physical or emotional pain when you say “no”?
Today I share this inquiry in the eating peace video.
Who would you be without this story of suffering?
Notice this moment, now. Today.
Happy New Moment.
What is it like, without considering the future? (Or, the past)?
Have you ever really considered how you feel about hunger?
Noticing the conflict within of fighting hunger, being torn about it, having thoughts and beliefs about it, can offer incredible insights.
Maybe you feel determined to overcome your hunger, or conquer or override your hunger urges. This is usually a diet mentality approach. When I was on a diet, I was furiously controlling my hunger, or any signs of hunger. Doing anything I could to take up arms against hunger and learn tricks to manage hunger without giving into it….eating….took huge amounts of energy.
When I supposedly “won” over hunger, I felt good. I felt like I WAS good. I was being good.
When talking about hunger and eating, other people I knew who were interested in losing weight or not responding to their own hunger would call eating outside of the diet plan “cheating”. Like we’re playing some kind of strange game called Control Yourself Forever when it comes to food.
I felt like hunger was a “problem”.
For me, this meant also that submitting to hunger was a problem. Giving in to the urge to eat was like failing.
Others might feel like giving in to hunger is the only option, they’ll say “screw it!” and eat rebelliously. (I did this one, too).
But what if you really looked at what you’re believing and thinking about hunger that brings fear, sorrow, guilt, or violence into your mind?
I found, when I wrote down how and what I felt about hunger, very very honestly, I understood why I was so upset about it.
When you write it down, you can take what you write to inquiry using The Work of Byron Katie: the four questions and turnarounds that offer such wonderful insight into your exploration of your inner world.
Today I’m sharing thoughts about being hungry, and how to question them. If you do this, you may find a lightness about the flow of eating you never imagined possible.
Many years ago, my eating wars grew so heavy and awful, I dropped out of college.
I actually shifted gears entirely, and began to do what was critical for my own well-being. Researching, attempting to understand, learning how to be honest and intimate with other people and with myself (it took awhile of practice), and questioning my beliefs
One of the most powerful beliefs I had?
I’m a terrible person, worthy of hatred.
I know that sounds strong, but it was that intense. I was horribly self-critical. I could do nothing right, especially when it came to food, eating, exercising and having a worthy body.
Later, I realized, the whole cycle of self-hatred and eating were intimately woven together.
I ate, so I would hate myself, so I would eat to soothe or have a small crumb of relief or pleasure, which would turn into more and more, so I would hate myself and starve and punish myself for the binge.
Nothing ever seemed peaceful or balanced when it came to eating.
Being in a hotel room reminded me of a night with myself long ago, in a hotel room, the night I dropped out of college.
Here’s what it was like for me, along with my biggest suggestion (stop hating yourself and start wondering what’s going on in a more kind, loving way):
Sometimes, we just feel like “death-warmed-over” as one of my grandmother’s used to say about depression, deep despair, discouragement.
Thoughts appear like: I’ve been at this sooooo long, this will never change, there is no solution, I can’t stop overeating, I’ll never be thin.
The sense is that peace is impossible, in this arena. Non-existent.
If you’ve had this kind of disappointment when it comes to finding eating peace, or body peace….or really, thinking peace….then consider this today:
All is not lost.
You are alive, you are still aware, conscious, and able.
Beneath, or behind, or greater than your stressful, emotional, disturbing thoughts about food, eating, weight or appearance….
….there is a realm beyond thought.
Are you sure peace is not possible, today, for you? Are you sure you can’t stop eating, or that you already don’t? Are you sure something’s missing that’s not here and should be? Are you sure peace is someplace in another time, a future, the past…but not here?
It can feel like such a relief to know what to expect.
Perhaps you’re about to visit a new country, and you’ve read tons of books and talked to many people about how to navigate and have the best time when you’re there.
Planning can be fun.
But are you planning, organizing, analyzing, gathering data, or mapping things out so you can Not Be Scared?
I used to notice that going on a diet (the plan to do it, at least) would provide some relief for sure. I’ll get this thing under control. I’ll handle, or manage, this situation and no longer be whacko when it comes to food.
This can happen with far more than only food and eating issues.
I’ll get this particular thing together and squared away, and I’ll be OK. I don’t care if I suffer, or if it hurts. I’ll start x and stop y.
But what if you could relax with not knowing what’s next, or what will happen tomorrow, or how this whole thing unfolds? What if you could come back to right now, today, and see if what you’re looking for….or even relief, peace, quiet, gentleness, and love are all here in this moment.
Without having to know anything about what’s going on tomorrow.
Here I share what it’s like to inquire into the stressful thought “I need to know….”
Lack of eating peace comes along with more places than trying to be thin, have you noticed?
Sometimes, people experience great stress with eating that has nothing to do with thinness….but instead contains anxiety about perfect health, or longevity, or cancer prevention.
It’s no way to live, with such stress about certain foods, and the dictate to eat broccoli constantly, so you’re safe, and healthy!
(Although I do love broccoli, but let’s not get carried away).
Today, I offer you an interesting exercise that you might think is taking things a little too far: looking at the worst that could happen.
What is it (in your opinion)?
What are you most afraid of?
What pictures come to mind when you believe you need to prevent that future dreadful image of The Worst?
Watch here, and let me know how it goes to see who you’d be without your stressful story of eating and health.
By the way, I mention a Judge Your Neighbor worksheet in this video. You can download one for yourself right HERE.
Sometimes, when you want it to be another way….not the way it is….the sense of discouragement is awful.
I’ll never get there.
I can’t do this.
Nothing ever works.
I’ll be an overeater or a binge-eater forever.
I’ll never be a thin person.
I give up.
But can you really know that it’s true that you aren’t on a path to peace? To liberation?
You’re here, reading this, aren’t you?
Who would you be without the story that this learning process, or un-learning process, is taking too long? Who would you be without your stressful beliefs about yourself, and what a compulsive person you are, or how difficult your mind or your thoughts are to deal with?
Who would you be, right here in this moment, without the belief this situation is never going to be ideal, or over?
Recently an eating peace inquirer was saying she feels she’s made progress with losing her diet mentality (on the wagon, off the wagon type thinking), but wants to lose more weight.
As she continues investigating her thoughts, and even looking very specifically at what she’s eating and what she might tone down or reduce, without deprivation, I know she’ll find new awareness.
At one point in my journey of healing, I remember thinking I would never ever be over this horrible binge-eating problem. But then, as I connected with mentors, went into group therapy, learned to talk with people very honestly, risked being myself very naturally (the best I could at the time) and committed deeply to a life of peace and freedom….
….I noticed I returned again, even after a binge or turmoiled eating, to feeling open to studying what happened, and a willingness to stop being so terrified of change.
I’d also find calm again. I was never at the peak of horrible stuffing in of food all day, every day. Good to notice.
One day, I realized it had been awhile since my last restriction/self-starvation day and my last binge-eating day. The gaps got bigger between episodes, between the stress or isolation.
They got bigger, and wider, and bigger and wider and then one day, I knew I could promise to myself at the deepest level “I will never binge again” and know it was true. Even if I had the urge, or felt fear, I just knew I wouldn’t.
It was nothing like all the previous promises to stay on the diet or control myself or use willpower to force any cravings underground.
This was more like a knowing, a commitment, a depth of certainty that I didn’t have to follow any craving, or act on it, or be so threatened by anything in my life that the only option was to eat.
Watch today as I speak about this idea of being “done” with the obsession, and share a poem I remembered from just about the time of my very last binge (it was written in 1988).
Seattle workshop: Eating Peace rare 3 hour mini-retreat on How to do The Work of Byron Katie on eating, weight, body image and cravings at East West Books in Seattle, March 18th 3-6 pm only $25. Please pre-register here.
In fact, it feels so sickening sometimes, we’d rather die, or dissolve into the floor, or go live on another planet.
The thing is, when you focus on your shameful self, your dreadful act, the horrible way you eat….
….you miss some exceptionally important information about why, and how, this strange way you ate came to happen.
What was going on before you had the thought “I know, I think I’ll go eat something, that’s it!”
How did that process occur? Why do you think it occurred? (And no, the answer is not “because I’m an idiot” or “because I can’t do it right”).
Condemning yourself and beating yourself to a pulp is what leads people often to a violent approach to solving their eating problems. Training regiment, torturous exercise, alarm at 6 am to hit the gym, eating exact amounts of food, weighed and measured and documented and counted with many foods left off the menu, weighing yourself with a scale, measuring body parts with measuring tape.
I repeat often there’s nothing wrong with a food and diet and exercise plan. But they rarely work long-term. They rarely offer permanent peace and satisfaction. They fix the symptom without addressing the underlying cravings and hungers that have nothing to do with food.
At least that’s what happened for me. Thank goodness I couldn’t ever stay on a food plan or diet for longer than a few hours. Something inside of me was determined to get to the bottom of the issue, to see myself and know myself from the inside out, and to end the struggle.
Anyone, including you, can do this.
You don’t need to take vows and oaths and make promises never to eat that way again (or do any other troubling activity you get pulled towards to cope with your thoughts and feelings).
When you identify what you’re thinking and feeling, without shame and self-hatred, and inquire with kindness and self-compassion….
….eating off-balance is no longer necessary.
If you notice shame and meanness arise towards yourself because of the way you’ve eaten….stop. Ask what else is going on, besides failure to eat peacefully?
Get to know the wonder of YOU. It’s not as bad as you think!
Eating Peace Process has just begun. If you want to join, you still can. You’d watch the first presentation (one-hour) and begin the powerful written exercises. You’d start the practices that provide structure, like a diet and exercise program but for the MIND (not for the usual yada yada eat this, weigh that). The first practice is to sit in silence 5 minutes day. Then, those who can will jump on the first Thursday inquiry call which is tomorrow 1/19 at 8:30 am Pacific Time.
The cornerstone of the program is….self-inquiry. We do The Work of Byron Katie, questioning painful beliefs about eating, food, your body, all bodies….and following the breadcrumbs (literally) to OTHER stressful beliefs we have about life, thinking, feelings, satisfaction, fulfillment, power, and control.
Such an adventure. Read about it here and join soon, before we’re too far underway for you to catch up.
And even if you never, ever join a formal group program like Eating Peace Process….you can use you own imagination to do the following exercise, which is part of The Work.
It goes like this.
Imagine….who would you be, right in any situation where you’ve typically had trouble with food and eating, with friends, alone, at home, at work, at a restaurant…
….Who would you be without your beliefs about being fat? Without your negative or stressful beliefs about eating? Without your thoughts about what you can’t do in your life? Without your fearful thoughts about why you need to be careful?
Who would you be if you loved every feeling you had, and didn’t fight your thoughts, but allowed everything, including you, to be as it is?
The key is to only wonder who you’d be without ONE thought at a time, otherwise it’s too much to hold in the mind all together, at least I find.
What would you be like, in the presence of food, if you let yourself be honest, powerful, clear?
You can use your imagination and find it, feel it. See what happens.
A fantastic group of people will be attending the Eating Peace Retreat January 19-22, right here at a lovely private lodge near my little cottage in Seattle. I’d love you to join us. People are traveling from every corner of the US so far, literally New York, West Virginia, California and of course up here in the Pacific Northwest. For travelers, there are still queen sized mattresses we can set up for you in the loft (no private rooms left, although someone may be willing/interested in sharing).
The most important part of the retreat….if I could say there is a MOST important….
….is being with yourself compassionately.
Like the way you are with other people.
You’ll slow down, we’ll eat together, write together, question thoughts together, have an experience of art and movement together. We’re in session daily from 9:30 am until 9:00 pm. No matter how far down the road to overweight, underweight, crazy eating or simple unhappiness about food…..you will be welcomed with open arms.
Enroll here. Space for 4 more. As mentioned in the Eating Peace Masterclass, included in this retreat registration is a one-on-one session to use any time in 2017 whether in person or online.
****************
Have you ever noticed how your thoughts seem to direct your behavior (including eating, obviously).
And yet, you don’t have to DO what your thoughts say.
You might get wound up full of cravings and compulsions and reaching and the agony of urges to stuff yourself with food.
It seems like that Voice that says GO GO GO is nasty, unconcerned about your peace or your freedom, busy, rude, critical of you. That Voice suggests that you….eat. It almost demands you eat, if you have a craving for food. As if there’s no other option.
But there is another option.
You actually take this other option all the time.
It’s called Not Listening To Or Doing What Your Mind Says.
It’s not the King of everything (it might think so, but it really isn’t).
Based on the Tao Te Ching, here’s a way to work with the mind that’s yelling at you to eat: tap into what is NOT your thoughts.
