A fantastic group of people will be attending the Eating Peace Retreat January 19-22, right here at a lovely private lodge near my little cottage in Seattle. I’d love you to join us. People are traveling from every corner of the US so far, literally New York, West Virginia, California and of course up here in the Pacific Northwest. For travelers, there are still queen sized mattresses we can set up for you in the loft (no private rooms left, although someone may be willing/interested in sharing).
The most important part of the retreat….if I could say there is a MOST important….
….is being with yourself compassionately.
Like the way you are with other people.
You’ll slow down, we’ll eat together, write together, question thoughts together, have an experience of art and movement together. We’re in session daily from 9:30 am until 9:00 pm. No matter how far down the road to overweight, underweight, crazy eating or simple unhappiness about food…..you will be welcomed with open arms.
Enroll here. Space for 4 more. As mentioned in the Eating Peace Masterclass, included in this retreat registration is a one-on-one session to use any time in 2017 whether in person or online.
****************
Have you ever noticed how your thoughts seem to direct your behavior (including eating, obviously).
And yet, you don’t have to DO what your thoughts say.
You might get wound up full of cravings and compulsions and reaching and the agony of urges to stuff yourself with food.
It seems like that Voice that says GO GO GO is nasty, unconcerned about your peace or your freedom, busy, rude, critical of you. That Voice suggests that you….eat. It almost demands you eat, if you have a craving for food. As if there’s no other option.
But there is another option.
You actually take this other option all the time.
It’s called Not Listening To Or Doing What Your Mind Says.
It’s not the King of everything (it might think so, but it really isn’t).
Based on the Tao Te Ching, here’s a way to work with the mind that’s yelling at you to eat: tap into what is NOT your thoughts.
When I used to be invited to a potluck, a feast, a celebration, a party, a huge dinner, a brunch, a birthday….OK, you name it, a place where there was food all over….
….I started getting anxious about the food long before I went.
If it’s really good, I’ll eat from one end of the room to the other, all the while faking like I’m normal, and then ditch out of there.
I won’t eat anything at all. I’ll have a salad. I’ll drink soda water with lemon slices.
I’ll call and ask them beforehand to make some special no-skin chicken or other specially prepared food that’s plain, non-triggering, and pure or healthy or “right”.
Arrrrrggggghhhhh!!!!!
What I really wanted was to NOT BE THINKING ABOUT IT BEFORE IT HAPPENED.
I didn’t want to be concerned in any way with the food.
I wanted to relax today, in the present moment, and eat when hungry and stop eating when full, and enjoy food and eating immensely.
Well….when you’ve used food for emotional safety and comfort, when you’ve used food to replenish you after you’ve been starving yourself, when you’ve used food to help you with your feelings….it’s going to have a pretty big role in your life.
First thing to do: don’t beat yourself up into a pulp.
Seriously, if you knew any better, you would have done it differently long ago.
Food has been reliable in many ways, and YOU are not a terrible awful person for relying on it.
Today I share with you one kind of funny way to handle big food events, feasts, and times when food is a gigantic focus (and by the way, these will eventually be absolutely wonderful celebrations for you, too, in a very normal way).
I call it the Slowing Down step, which is the first step in a series of seven I sometimes talk about when it comes to healing food and eating.
And here’s the fun news: I’m inspired to offer an entirely free MasterClass on all seven steps to Eating Peace.
If you’d like to register for the MasterClass, please click here. We’ll meet on Wednesday, November 23rd at 1:00 pm. Please set aside 90 minutes.
Can’t wait to bring you this masterclass training, it will be the very first time I’m doing it in this particular format, and I hope it gives you fantastic practices for any upcoming feast (or any discomfort with food and eating)!
Even if you can’t make it to the MasterClass, watch here for the first Slowing Down step and how you can bring it to your next feast. (Hint: there’s a little bit of Step Seven in what I share here today….they all become a big process together, bringing you thinking, feeling and eating peace).
I’ve spoken with so many people who have felt the same as I have, when it comes to sticking up for yourself, saying what you mean, asking for what you want.
Noticing how we don’t do it. Wondering why.
It’s such a powerless feeling to avoid confrontation, not ask for what you need or want.
But what if you allowed yourself to be as you’ve been, without such criticism? Maybe noticing what you’re afraid of (hurting someone’s feelings, not getting what you want, getting hurt, feeling rejected)?
What if you made a small gesture towards asking for what you want?
Even this can feel so kind, so supportive.
I’ve never been seen as a super “powerful” strong, intense, fierce, aggressive personality. I have’t liked conflict or confrontation much.
And I can still feel a sense of deep personal power that I won’t do anything, or agree to anything, that purposely or intentionally hurts me.
If I need to say no, or change my mind, or leave someone or something alone, or ask for help….I can.
Eating Agony can turn into Eating Peace….you have what it takes to quit hurting yourself with your thinking, with your eating, and change your life
The first Eating Peace course I taught was in 2010, six years ago.
I can raise my hand and say with all honesty, even though some people benefitted, I was a total beginner and it wasn’t anywhere near as good and clear as the program is now.
Ugh.
It was not actually called Eating Peace back then. It was called “Too Much Not Enough”….because what I had found in my own recovery from horrible eating was that the way I ate had to do with what I was thinking.
What I was thinking was…..there was Too Much of something OR Not Enough of something in my reality, in my world.
Or both. Usually, both.
Too Much of something right in the very moment I was eating, or wanting to eat, when I wasn’t hungry. And Not Enough of something in the very same moment.
It’s like some kind of centered internal balance was GONE. Vaporized. The pendulum was swinging out of whack.
Too Much of what, or Not Enough of WHAT….you might be asking?
A most excellent and brilliant question.
What I believed was Too Much was most often the following:
big feelings, pressure, requests from others, too many demands, advice, danger, threat, boredom, disappointment, rebellion. The biggest feelings I had the worst time dealing with were anger and fear and every variation of either one (anxiety, nerves, rage, irritation).
What I believed was Not Enough in situations where I found myself eating when not hungry were the following:
my ability to stop the cycle, my capacity to love myself, receiving unconditional love from anyone, not enough time, not enough genuine attention, not enough kindness or forgiveness, not enough willingness to let something go. The feelings I felt most unhappy with that there weren’t enough of were love and acceptance.
My whole entire view of reality was it was flawed….and unfortunately so was I. Something was missing (Not Enough) or something was present that shouldn’t be (Too Much).
One of the best ways you can begin to explore your inner world (and get ready to be shocked by how this actually affects your eating–for the better) is to honestly examine your mind.
People believe they need a mate, money, time, kindness, a bigger house, a better job, world peace, no war…..in order to be truly happy.
People believe they must eliminate sadness, poverty, violence, and their own qualities of not-enoughness in order to be truly happy.
What I know is, if you’re waiting for life to be perfectly in balance according to your definition of Just Right….
….you’ll be waiting forever.
When I ate because I was angry, terrified, bored or hurting….I didn’t have the conscious thoughts “here’s what I think is too much for me right now, or not enough of right now”.
I just started eating. The belief sped by under the surface, and I quick started eating before I could see it. My feelings ruled everything, they were wild and frightening and very big.
The only way I’ve found to get started on unraveling this deep level of how I feel about life, and how this affects the way I ate, was to start by identifying the thoughts running in my mind—the stressful, troubling, harsh ones I felt about life.
We start to do this in the Eating Peace Core TeleClass.
And like I said, after six years teaching eating peace and the improvements I’ve made, and experience I’ve had along the way working with others, I am better at working and guiding people now than I was six years ago when I first wanted to share recovery with the world.
I’ve heard the same kinds of thoughts over and over again by working with many people, and I recognize the similarities those of us who eat off-balance have about food, eating and the body.
Sure, there are variations. Some people have never been super heavy in weight because they’ve vomited or over-exercised. Some people have under-eaten most of their lives and felt extreme tension around food. Some people have been chronically overweight or even obese, or yo-yo’d up and and down and been on a thousand diets.
But even if the symptoms and the appearance looks different, they are all sides of the same coin.
The coin that says “something is wrong with reality here”. There’s too much, or not enough. I can’t handle this. I’m too scared. I’m too angry. Life is too hard.
I call the Eating Peace Core TeleClass the “core” teleclass because we dive into the basic first-level beliefs most of us carry who have eaten weirdly.
When I first started out teaching, I wanted so badly for everyone to find relief and freedom, I hardly talked about myself. I didn’t share what I really thought when someone was struggling, even though I had lots of experience. We needed to question reality, after all….this wasn’t about the food! But it was jumping over too big a canyon, and people didn’t get what I was talking about.
Wait, isn’t this about eating?
I learned along the way to move back and forth between questions of life, and questions about eating, and to listen very closely with every group and class for the unique flavors and concerns of every person present. I learned that it was never the same, but it was helpful to present the patterns I saw come forward, and share these with everyone, every time.
So, that’s what we do in this Eating Peace Core Teleclass. I’m sharing with you what I found very helpful to begin with on my road to recovery, and how to practice it in an ongoing way.
For the first two weeks (Module One) we look at our relationship to the food/eating/diet plan. Everyone shares theirs with me. We dialogue back and forth about it. You will make a commitment to explore why you eat too much when you do, or why you eat too little when you do. What takes you out of a peaceful, balanced, normal way of eating?
Weeks 3 and 4 (Module Two) we identify our judgments about bodies. This is fascinating, to write what we think about someone’s body who is “overweight” and what we think about “perfect” bodies. Where did you learn how to see this way? Finding out brings huge ah-ha’s and insight for many.
During weeks 5 and 6 (Module Three) we remember moments of eating with our family of origin. What was it like when we were young, with mom and dad, or other huge influencers in our lives? What did these people say, or model, about eating or reasons to eat?
Finally the last two weeks (Module Four) we get to really sink into what we think there’s too much of in our lives, and not enough of in our lives. What’s missing, what’s overwhelming? We get to make a list and see what our thought-system holds.
Only by identifying clearly all our beliefs can we take them to inquiry and actually QUESTION them. When we question our thinking, we can change our vision, and change our eating, and change our lives.
Everyone who takes Eating Peace Core Teleclass will get weekly exercises and then we’ll go through the actual inquiry process on our live phone calls using The Work of Byron Katie. You’ll know how to begin working with your eating in your daily life, and begin the journey of the road home to eating peace.
Peace means never eating so much you hurt yourself, and never eating so little you hurt yourself.
This Eating Peace Core Teleclass will be the last until the fall. We meet Mondays 5:30 – 7:00 pm Pacific Time for 8 weeks beginning tomorrow, May 9th. Room for 2 more people. Please write to me if you really want to enroll, but you can’t afford the fee ($395). It’s my privilege to help everyone who suffers from eating battles, food fears, body hatred and criticism, to question their beliefs and change their eating.
This course is also excellent for those wanting this support, but not ready to take the full Eating Peace Online TeleProgram offered for the past two winters. This long course, covering more than 3 months together from November through February, is a very comprehensive practice combining the best practices and spiritual principles of a mindful, feeling-full, peaceful life with food. It’s a program of transformation and everyone who joins Eating Peace Online gets access to life, so no matter where you are in your journey….you can take the time you need to come home.
Teaching Eating Peace Retreat recently in California was magnificent.
I always love who appears to share the freedom of slowing down, stopping, holding still on a moment and identifying the thoughts that come alive in the presence of food.
Memories from the past, the people who raised us, the experience of being with food and eating it can all be present in this moment now, when we’re eating.
Together, we went back and looked at situations and our history, and at what we projected into the future that might happen that seemed scary.
If you’re wondering how to do this….today I’m sharing my January Eating Peace talk from the Institute for The Work convention (Byron Katie and certified facilitators in the audience). I didn’t know it would be filmed when I was there, but so honored it was and so happy to share it with you now.
This is the way to begin to understand and end your experience of eating off-balance.
Knowing you can discover peace with everything, including food and your body.
In the latest Eating Peace notes and videos, I’ve been suggesting you talk to the parts of yourself that want to overeat, graze eat, obsess about being perfect with food, or see your body as ugly.
Those voices are rough, I know.
They feel rude, nasty, frightening and like the kind of guests you’d call the police on.
But I got quite a few questions about HOW to talk to them. I mean….they’re pretty freaky, right?
With eating, people can get particularly mean to themselves.
Ugh.
“You’ll never amount to anything. Look at you, stuffing your face again. Have you no pride, or willpower? You’ll never be thin. You’ll never get this handled. You’ll never get past this. What’s wrong with you? You ate that….again?!”
When this kind of aggression is directed towards yourself on the inside, it doesn’t exactly feel easy to do positive affirmations, look on the bright side, or turn your mean thoughts off (as if you had any great personal control over them).
Step One, (you may have noticed from other posts I’ve written), is to allow that voice to stay in the room.
Let it be there. Don’t fight it. You’ll never win!
Step Two, ask the voice a few very powerful, very pointed questions.
Watch here to see how I’ve worked with The Voice. If you do these exercises, let me know how it goes!
HOW to talk to the crazy voice that wants to eat (when you are not hungry)
“Ending addictions has nothing to do with getting rid of cravings. It’s about seeing cravings for what they are and deeply allowing the to be there. Yes, in the end, this freedom is even there in not getting what you want. This realization challenges all conventional wisdom, goes against much of our conditioning, and isn’t taught in any positive-thinking or self-help books….When you discover who you really are, you’re free whether you get what you want or not.” ~ Jeff Foster in The Deepest Acceptance
On April 15-17 I’ll be traveling to Newark, California to offer my three day Eating Peace Retreat. People who take this program report finding deep awareness and freedom from compulsion through truly communicating with themselves, including their inner eater. I’m here to help you do that. Join me (we’re in a private home, still a few spaces left). Click HERE to read more, and register.
Please join me for a free webinar on Sunday, November 8th. Share this email with others who may be seeking peace with eating. I suffered horribly, and now I’m free and here to help others end the battle with eating and troubled thinking.
*********
It can feel so depressing when you look at where you’d prefer to be with eating (at peace) and you’re incessantly not there (at war).
Watch my video to see the two areas of focus you’ll need to spend time with in order to understand your eating experience….
….thoughts and feelings.
It’s the only way this whole thing gets resolved for good.
You can focus on how you act, what you want to have, but without making peace with thoughts and feelings, the war-like feeling will always return.
Thoughts are very speedy, feelings are very messy and chaotic.
You can be with them anyway.
The surprise is that you don’t need anything more than this. You don’t need to know how to change your thoughts or feelings.
As long as you spend time with them, see them, give them some attention…..
…..you’ll be on your way to peaceful eating.
Peace,
Grace
P.S. Free webinar on November 8th at 8:30 am. This will be different than any webinar I’ve done so far. I’ll share how to walk the path through the dark woods from eating war to peace: Join Eating Peace Webinar. I’ll also share all the details at the end for those of you interested in joining Eating Peace Online: 12 Week Immersion starting November 17th.
It’s not breaking news that feelings of anger and fear fuel compulsive or obsessive behavior with food (or other substances).
But maybe you haven’t realized what you actually believe about feeling angry, or feeling afraid.
If you want to destroy, crush, consume, hide, repress or make anger and fear invisible….
….and never feel them again….
….then you’ll keep eating (or starving yourself).
Here’s what happened with me that changed everything:
Eating Peace: Trying NOT to change your anger or fear will help you and heal you
Peace,
Grace
P.S. Eating Peace Online starts November 17. We meet Tuesdays and Wednesdays live (9-10:30 am Pacific time) but all recordings are included and you can watch webinars, and listen. Change your thinking, change your eating.
Your great mistake: acting as if you are alone. Inquire with others, find freedom.
Dear Grace…..I HAVE to change, but I haven’t figured out how, even though I’ve tried everything.
Dear Grace…..I’ve been told I could benefit from an inpatient program for “addiction” (in this case eating disorders), but I don’t think it will work.
Dear Grace…..I know there’s no magic bullet or pill or weekend workshop to end all my concerns and stressful behaviors, so why should I bother signing up for any program (like Eating Peace, or The School, or that meditation workshop)?
Dear Grace…..Are there going to be other people who are: my age, my behavior, my experience, my problems, my gender, my size, my shape, my religion, my background? Or will I be the only one like me?
I notice when I’m offering a time to gather together, especially a workshop like Eating Peace (this coming Friday, Saturday and Sunday 10/9-10/11) where we’re exploring the end of suffering especially around eating and investigating the internal world…..
…..people have many questions.
What I see them asking, at the deepest level, is this:
Dear Grace…..This is my story and it’s really painful. I’m afraid it will never end. I know coming to your retreat won’t save me, heal me, stop me, change me completely. But will it at least make a difference? Will it be worth it?
Have you ever felt this way about something you have a choice about?
I need it to be good (and good means: _____)
I need to NOT be bad (and bad means: _____)
What’s strange is, of course, there is absolutely no way to get any kind of solid, 100% confirmed, complete, guaranteed answer.
Ever.
How does anyone know to try something new, or different?
How does anyone decide Yes or No about a possibility?
A few years ago, I signed up for a program that cost a lot of money (according to me, it felt like a huge stretch) and travel time and planning.
Before I decided to sign up, I kept going back to the information presented online about the program, and reading about the founder and teacher, and re-reading articles and books by her.
It was offered every year, and I took a look for about 4 years in a row thinking “I should do this, I really want to see it for myself.”
What was the kernel of truth, the THING I really wanted, the spark of interest that stayed alive and afloat for all that time, that invited me to say “yes”?
It’s kind of undefinable in concrete terms, but I wanted to grow my feeling of feminine power and awareness and sensuality. I loved imagining FEELING pleasure, joy and self-love.
I had already done The School for The Work with Byron Katie quite a few years before.
This felt like a way to practice a turnaround about being thrilled to be alive, and being surrounded by supportive sisters (the program was for women only), and tapping into the joy of my unique life.
I wanted some examples of what it would look like to be living and practicing that turnaround.
My old stressful beliefs were “being female isn’t that great, sisters can hurt or compete with you emotionally, and joy is elusive.”
I knew those beliefs weren’t true.
I wanted to BE who I was without those thoughts.
However, I knew that once the program was over, I’d still be in the world with myself, in my own personal life, with my mind, feelings, soul, and unfolding steps.
And that’s what happened.
I participated in the program, and then it was over.
But I had tools and very solid examples of what this kind of energy looked like. I had pictures now of how I might open up to practicing the energy of whatever I felt “feminine power” was or “awareness” or “sensuality” or “pleasure” or “support” of other women especially.
I remember during that program I walked down the street one day by myself on the way to the morning session with the sudden question “what if right now, I experienced joy and felt every ounce of this body with gratitude?”
I walked into a Starbucks, to get the most fabulous drink that felt the most divine for my body, the most healthy and nurturing.
As I ordered my tea at the counter, the man said “pretty in pink!” and gave me a huge smile (I had on a pink shirt).
Everyone was smiling in the cafe.
People were happy walking their dogs on the morning sidewalks.
I thought “I adore New York City!!” (which is where I was walking).
Was it the program, or me…..
…..or a fabulous convergence of forces and energies all coming together at once.
Neither me, nor the program, nor the curriculum, nor the city is the “cause” of that moment.
It was all of it, joining together. Connected.
Does this mean it was “worth it”?
On the very last day of the School for The Work with Byron Katie over a decade ago, as I left the big conference room after our very last session, full of goodbyes, a staff person said to me….
….”Now is the real school. Your life.”
Gasp. All untethered? Without guidance?
But who was I in that moment without the story that this meant I had to do it all completely alone, that I was by myself, that I had to figure my whole life out independently from anyone else, or that I was not supported by the universe?
Who would you be without the beliefs that if you decide to join with something, anything at all….
….it HAS TO make a difference and I KNOW WHAT THAT LOOKS LIKE!?!
Who would you be without the belief that you’re in charge?
Even with the simple act called doing The Work, or how about the simple act of eating (I know both do not seem so simple depending on your situation).
But what if you questioned your stressed out mind without expectation of the way it is supposed to look once you question it?
What I have found, over time, is when I do NOT know how something will affect my life, my behavior, my choices, my actions in a clear way….
….it’s actually a bit easier.
I let go of being The One who has to Know.
After my first School for The Work, I got a weekly partner and we kept questioning thoughts every Monday for two years.
All I need to know is that I hurt when I believe a whole novel of thoughts about a topic, and they’re all stressful.
When I inquire, I hurt less.
“You don’t need to figure anything out. You don’t need to see how it all fits together. All you need is to practice directing your attention to the life you want.” ~ Cheri Huber in What You Practice Is What You Have
Signing up for a program, a college course, a vacation, a class, a workshop, a date, a marriage, a retreat….
….what if you didn’t focus on the outcome, trying to make sure you won’t stand out, or trying to make sure you’ll be safe, or getting proof that you’ll be different (better) by saying yes?
All these are impossible to know.
What if you allowed yourself to join in simply because you’re curious? Because the way you’re doing it feels All Alone, and difficult?
Who would you be without the belief that you could make a mistake, or waste time or money, or fail at your plans to change?
I have no idea if I’m so different after my program in NYC all those years ago, but I love the story that keeps playing in my mind, the movie I get to watch, when I think about all the scenes and exercises and activities I was invited to do.
They still remind me to consider what it feels like to be responsible for my own joy in any given moment.
I could say it wasn’t “worth it” (I wondered sometimes after it was over) and I could have saved time and money NOT going.
But I can’t find that this is true, when I question it.
“Investigate all the beliefs that cause you suffering. Wake yourself up from your nightmares, and the sweet dreams will take care of themselves. If your internal world is free and wonderful, why would you want to change it? If the dream is a happy one, who would want to wake up? And if you dreams aren’t happy, welcome to The Work.” ~ Byron Katie in Loving What Is
If you’d like to enter the journey, even if you’ve started long ago, or taken it 1000 times, of questioning the beliefs that create suffering around food, diet, weight, failure, or your conviction that you must change (or else)….
….then Eating Peace is a 3 day opportunity to practice, learn, ask questions, find what’s really true for you, get a dose of quiet and insight that only you can really give yourself.
I have been down the long road of terrible suffering around food and eating, and it’s over now.
It has helped me immensely to consult those who have taken this journey and come out.
Now I can be that for you.
Someone wrote to me “I just want to get back to normal.”
Clearly seeing what you’re thinking that produces pain, the urge to eat weirdly, to rage at yourself, to be angry with your body or metabolism, to feel disappointment about food, to be upset with bread or despairing about sugar….
….and questioning these deep old thoughts is the fastest way I know to get to normal.
Whatever that is.
“Your great mistake is to act the drama as if you were alone…..Put down the weight of your aloneness and ease into the conversation…..Everything is waiting for you.”
~ David Whyte from his poem Everything Is Waiting For You
Much love, Grace
P.S. Eating Peace is for those interested in peace, and those willing to look at war. Inner war, outer war. Inner peace, outer peace. To register or read more, click HERE. You don’t have to have any kind of disordered eating to attend, and if you do, you’re truly welcome.
