Many years ago, my eating wars grew so heavy and awful, I dropped out of college.
I actually shifted gears entirely, and began to do what was critical for my own well-being. Researching, attempting to understand, learning how to be honest and intimate with other people and with myself (it took awhile of practice), and questioning my beliefs
One of the most powerful beliefs I had?
I’m a terrible person, worthy of hatred.
I know that sounds strong, but it was that intense. I was horribly self-critical. I could do nothing right, especially when it came to food, eating, exercising and having a worthy body.
Later, I realized, the whole cycle of self-hatred and eating were intimately woven together.
I ate, so I would hate myself, so I would eat to soothe or have a small crumb of relief or pleasure, which would turn into more and more, so I would hate myself and starve and punish myself for the binge.
Nothing ever seemed peaceful or balanced when it came to eating.
Being in a hotel room reminded me of a night with myself long ago, in a hotel room, the night I dropped out of college.
Here’s what it was like for me, along with my biggest suggestion (stop hating yourself and start wondering what’s going on in a more kind, loving way):
M