Tag: eating

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How relaxed can you get? Let’s question the HURRY story.

You know that panicked voice in the head screaming GO! GO! MOVE! NOW!

Especially when it’s not really a true emergency?

I appears there’s a frantic underlying belief when it comes to compulsive behavior, or addictive behavior, of any kind.

Eating and food were my focus of urgency when I had the thought.

I must eat something sweet immediately! I have to get some food NOW!

The compulsion feels like an emergency.

But really, you don’t have to have ever had a single compulsive bite of food.

Most people have experienced a compulsive bite of thought, however.

What do I mean by compulsive thought?

The dictionary defines compulsion as riveting, fascinating, compelling, gripping, engrossing, enthralling, captivating, irresistible, uncontrollable, overwhelming, urgent, obsessive.

Have you noticed your thoughts have to have this kind of energy before you actually DO something compulsive?

It’s like this: I have a thought that frightens me, and I believe it’s real and true.

It happens in two milliseconds flat.

I’m a believer!

It doesn’t cross my mind to question whether or not the idea was true, or to question my conclusions, or the stressful things I’m imagining.

Nope, I simply decided without question what that person said about me, or what happened, or what will happen, and what I’m feeling….are threatening.

What’s happening isn’t good.

Help! Help! Help!

(Cut to chicken running around with head cut off).

Most people when they get scared begin to do everything possible to CALM DOWN.

Compulsion, addiction, temporary insanity, craving, urges, driven, wild, frenzied, wanting, needy, desperate, grabbing, crying, wailing, screaming, self-pity….

….oh boy.

The drama! The excitement!

And….the extreme suffering.

We can joke around about the experience of compulsive behavior, but it’s not really that funny if you’re in the middle of it.

I can even look back at my past life 30 years ago and feel sad that it was so hard.

(But I did question once “I ruined and lost my twenties” and found it was not true).

So who would you be without believing your mind is telling the truth about reality?

I know this is an enormously huge question, and might make some a bit skittish.

(How will I know what’s true if I don’t believe my mind? How will I protect myself if I don’t believe what I’m thinking? How will I be sane, or safe, if I don’t believe my stories?)

But it’s sooooo interesting and wonderful and exciting to imagine the freedom.

To notice you ARE the freedom.

But if you’re not so sure yet how inquiry works when it comes to this thought that something has to happen NOW…..let’s inquire:

Is it true you need to move faster than a speeding bullet to either get food, get to solid ground, stop feeling nervous, run away right NOW?

No.

Cravings might be intense. You may want to indulge in your usual distraction activity, or comfort process. I notice, however, it doesn’t HAVE to happen NOW.

How do you react when you believe it’s urgent?

You’re eating before you know it. You’re yelling. You’re breaking up with your lover. You’re calling the divorce attorney. You’re sending emails you may regret later. You’re driving to buy drugs, or wine.

Who would you be without the belief you have to do it NOW?

What if you feel all fired up, but you didn’t believe you had to respond as if it was imperative, critical, required right now?

It’s a strange and interesting and wild feeling, to sit with turmoil in the mind, and even the body and heart….but not respond as if it’s absolutely true.

Without the thought you have to eat? Or scream? Or end your relationship? Or send that email? Or use drugs or alcohol?

Such a relief, really, that it’s not required.

It doesn’t mean you’ll do nothing. But to relax, inquire, and move from there instead of the wild compulsive feeling is so much clearer and feels so much more centered.

It’s not destructive either. To you, or to those you love.

Turning the thought around: I do NOT have to eat something sweet immediately! I don’t have to eat anything right now. I do not have to escape. It’s not urgent. 

Could this be just as true, or truer?

I notice it’s far more true than the original statement.

Turning the thought around again: My thinking has to sweeten immediately! My thoughts are compulsive right now. I have to escape my thinking. My thoughts are imagining urgency, chaos, threats.

What I notice, is this was entirely true every single time I ever had the compulsion to overeat urgently, or to binge eat: I needed to question my thinking, to make friends with my feelings, to relax.

“‘But Katie, someone might say, ‘isn’t fear biological? Isn’t it necessary for the fight-or-flight response? I can see not being afraid of a growling dog, but what if you were in an airplane that was going down–wouldn’t you be very scared?’ Here’s my answer: ‘Does your body have a fight-or-flight response when you see a rope lying on the path ahead of you? Absolutely not–that would be crazy. Only if you imagine that the rope is a snake does your heart start pounding. It’s your thoughts that scare you into fight-or-flight, not reality.”~ Byron Katie in 1000 Names For Joy

Amazing to realize it’s possible to question your fearful, urgent thinking, and change your fearful, urgent behaviors. The best news of all is they just naturally change, without you really trying or managing or getting more willpower or control.

Questioning your thoughts is soooo worth it. It really does mean freedom.

If you’d like to join my November Eating Peace webinar, I’ll talk all about beliefs that frequently cause eating battles, starting with this “urgent” belief….and how to dissolve it.

If this topic interests you, then reserve your seat for the live webinar immersion class HERE (there will be a recording made for replay). You’ll receive an email immediately with three options for attending: November 4th 7:30 am, November 7th 4:00 pm and November 9th 8:00 am. At the very end of the webinar, I’ll share about the upcoming Eating Peace Process beginning November 14th.

Eating Peace Process webinar
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Eating Peace: If violence worked….wouldn’t you have changed by now?

Most humans at some point encounter the idea, often from a very young age, that violence–including verbal violence–will enforce change.

Do it! Now! Go! Scream! Or else!

We know we want change, because we’re suffering. We get impatient, lost, frustrated. Being loving and kind doesn’t seem like it will bring change.

But have you ever tried it? Especially when it comes to meeting your feelings (especially fears and other uncomfortable emotions) with compassion?

Byron Katie says in her book “I Need Your Love–Is That True?” the following quote about the moment when you think Oh Sh*t! I screwed up! This isn’t going well!

A mistake has happened. You ate the wrong thing. You overate. You judged your weight.

It’s a moment of Rejection of What Is (not loving what is):

“What are the thoughts that come at these moments? Many of these thoughts are about what you would have done if you had known better, or seen it coming, or remembered. You think that if you had done something other than what you did, you could have stayed in control of events.” ~ Byron Katie

But who would you be without the thought that what’s happened in the past, whether an hour ago, or last week, or 3 months ago, or 10 years ago…..was a mistake?

What if I could hold those binge-eating moments, or the weight gained, or eating some unacceptable food, with compassion and gentleness?

Are you sure you did something wrong, back then? Who would you be without this stressful story?

You can use your imagination to wonder the answer to this question. What if you didn’t need violent thought to bring about permanent change?

I notice that anything that’s truly become a long-term change has come out of awareness, not violence. Doing The Work and questioning my thoughts has offered slowing down, and absence of thinking I know what’s true.

What a relief.

What if you turned around the belief in violent thinking towards yourself, to make change?

Turned around: loving thinking towards myself will make change.

I find this to be very true. Much truer. Force or violence might bring about temporary change, but not permanent change, and certainly not peace.

I love with food and eating, you might let peace be your intention, above all.

See what happens.

Much love,

Grace

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Eating Peace: Freedom is not rebellion or control….it’s peace

After a couple of years of eating, gaining weight, feeling horrible, feeling like my obsession with eating was growing bigger….

….I decided I just had to control myself, no matter what.

I went on a major diet. Hard core. No starvation, no overeating. Very clear, clear boundaries. Very rigid. Weighing, measuring, counting. timing the way I would eat.

My belief about myself was I could not be trusted to eat in a normal peaceful way, so I threw myself in prison with a serious food plan.

I was miserable.

I felt afraid all the time. I felt angry. I was withdrawn from connection with other people. I was thinking about food constantly, just the same way I had been thinking about food all the time when I binge-ate.

Did eating really have to mean my only two choices were being Totally In Control or Totally Out of Control?

There had to be another way.

The Rebel can sometimes be the one who helps you find that other way.

The rebel by definition is the one who rises, with arms (violence) against the ruler who is in control. Often in the story of humanity, the rebels are then overruled by the current regime. It’s all about war and who has the most power.

But we can learn from rebellion stories, and from our own inner rebels….if we listen to them.

Who would we be if we stopped attacking or running away from either one of these extremes; Dictator or Rebel?

What does the rebel have to say? Why do you feel angry?

If anger existed in this situation around food, eating, taking in fuel in the world, expressing your feelings, trusting yourself, trusting you’ll get what you need….

….what do you think anger wants to say?

The brilliant Karla McLaren (whose work I refer to in the Eating Peace Process–the immersion program I offer live once a year) writes and speaks of anger as the one in you who stands up with passion for freedom, choice, health (when it’s a clear, holy sort of anger).

Anger goes sideways a lot, I know.

How do we work with it, so it becomes our ally and friend?

First….write down what it has to say. No matter how “wrong” or immature, non-politically correct, rude, ridiculous, shameful, mean.

Write down what the voice of the Rebel has to say. Listen to it for once instead of attacking it, or going with it.

When you write down what that feeling and voice has to say, especially when it’s been so powerful in your life, you give it the respect of listening.

And then….what next?

Have I got four questions (plus finding turnarounds) for you! The Work of Byron Katie. A most amazing contemplation for your inner world that brings awareness, and awareness that comes directly from that rebellious angry childish part of you.

No need to find anything different, no need to lock yourself up or lock up your feelings or force yourself to change.

I used to be on a diet, because I actually approached the world the very same way: treat the world like a diet. Avoid certain things, weigh some things, measure some things, count some things.

Otherwise…..suffer.

That wasn’t freedom, though. Freedom to be an imperfect human without a plan. Freedom to be real, clear, and have strong feelings–without having to eat over it.

Much love,

Grace

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Eating Peace: I HAVE TO eat. Let’s do The Work on this stressful belief!

In the moment we begin craving, we start believing “I have to eat”.

It could even be we have the thought “I have to eat” out of constant repetitive habit of doing this in the past….and then we begin to crave eating.

The craving gets bigger.

Then, it feels the only way to end this horrible craving, is to eat.

I’m against the craving! I hate the craving! I must end it, overpower it, switch the channel.

Self-inquiry at a very deep level is one way you’ll truly meet your craving, your compulsion to eat.

So let’s do it today. I share the process of inquiry here on this simple and very stressful thought “I have to eat!” (You can substitute anything here, for the word “eat”).

Turnaround Three: I have to inquire.

What else is the mind thinking, what other underlying beliefs are present in your experience of sharing the world with food and a body that eats? What are you afraid of? Or sad about?

These are other beautiful questions that appear under the thought “I have to eat”. The awareness of disturbed feelings under the surface that just want a little comfort.

Inquiry will comfort them more than food. Really! Find out for yourself.

Much love, Grace

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Eating Peace: Are you more afraid of hunger than you realize?

Have you ever really considered how you feel about hunger?

Noticing the conflict within of fighting hunger, being torn about it, having thoughts and beliefs about it, can offer incredible insights.

Maybe you feel determined to overcome your hunger, or conquer or override your hunger urges. This is usually a diet mentality approach. When I was on a diet, I was furiously controlling my hunger, or any signs of hunger. Doing anything I could to take up arms against hunger and learn tricks to manage hunger without giving into it….eating….took huge amounts of energy.

When I supposedly “won” over hunger, I felt good. I felt like I WAS good. I was being good.

When talking about hunger and eating, other people I knew who were interested in losing weight or not responding to their own hunger would call eating outside of the diet plan “cheating”. Like we’re playing some kind of strange game called Control Yourself Forever when it comes to food.

I felt like hunger was a “problem”.

For me, this meant also that submitting to hunger was a problem. Giving in to the urge to eat was like failing.

Others might feel like giving in to hunger is the only option, they’ll say “screw it!” and eat rebelliously. (I did this one, too).

But what if you really looked at what you’re believing and thinking about hunger that brings fear, sorrow, guilt, or violence into your mind?

I found, when I wrote down how and what I felt about hunger, very very honestly, I understood why I was so upset about it.

When you write it down, you can take what you write to inquiry using The Work of Byron Katie: the four questions and turnarounds that offer such wonderful insight into your exploration of your inner world.

Today I’m sharing thoughts about being hungry, and how to question them. If you do this, you may find a lightness about the flow of eating you never imagined possible.

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Eating Peace: Questioning this can change everything

Webinar Immersion Free Class: Ten Barriers That Block Self-Inquiry, and How To Dissolve Them. Join me today from Noon-2:00 pm for a powerful course, live. Bring your pen and paper and an open mind. This will really help you with compulsion and self-critical issues, and going deeper in The Work of Byron Katie. At the end, I’ll be sharing information about Year of Inquiry that begins in September.

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Body image plays a big role in our eating and food patterns.

Not everything, but it sure had a big influence on me.

In fact, my own negative body image basically got eating off balance started in the first place.

I went on a diet at age 14, with my mom.

Later on, with increasing urges to suppress feelings and emotional experiences I didn’t like so much, food became more than just something to restrict in order to get the good body.

It was comfort, soothing, grounding, and calmed nerves, expressed anger, exhausted me, and put me to sleep (or kept me awake).

But that body image feeling so very serious, that started off a huge chunk of the stress that affected my experience of eating in the first place.

I love looking at body image very deeply now.

I still notice the stressful thoughts chirping in the background, but they are so much less serious.

I share one very powerful question here today, for looking at body images concerns….and how to work with the question to get to the heart of your thinking about the body and your looks:

What do you think it means…about you, about others, about the world?

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Eating Peace: Everywhere You Go The Relaxation Diet….Lie Down (Watch the Weight Come Off)

Last week I was traveling and facilitating a retreat (in Oregon at Breitenbush Hotsprings Conference Center).

Yesterday I was out in the city to dance and meet friends for a birthday dinner.

We all move about, in and out of our houses. Food is out there, at home, on tables, and often easily acquired–especially for those in first world countries like me. Super abundance of food options and eating is all around.

When you’ve had an internal war with eating, your body image, or food itself….it often doesn’t feel good to be out away from home, and your safe refrigerator and pantry.

But who would you be without the belief you need to worry, you have to control the environment or the food, you must be anxious about you and food in any situation?

It doesn’t mean you don’t take good care of yourself and move towards what you need or away from what hurts when it comes to food and eating.

This is about finding truly, deeply what you need.

For me, it was always relaxation. Trust. Peace. Resting with what is. It doesn’t mean I’m passive and never speaking up for what I prefer or desire, or not acknowledging I’m hungry, or full.

When I relax fully, I’m actually free to ask for anything.

Here’s one of my favorite meditations or ideas to carry with me wherever I go. It’s called “Lie Down”.

Do it for real, on the floor or couch, or do it on the inside.

And see what happens with your fearful dilemmas about eating, not eating, foods, ingredients, body, fat, thin, weight.

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Eating Peace: Mirror Mirror On The Wall

Ugh.

Look at that cellulite and shaking, saggy skin on the legs.

It looks terrible!

Thoughts like this are so common, they’re like rain squalls, and everyone’s got them in some form or another.

Self-criticism, the perspective that something’s ugly or unacceptable.

But as you look in the mirror, have you ever remembered or wondered about the mirror itself….

….rather than focusing entirely on what’s reflecting inside the mirror?

Today I do a little show-and-tell with my mirror my parents gave me after I went through treatment for my eating disorder and met many professionals who were trying to help.

I wasn’t completely over my obsessive thinking, I wasn’t over self-criticism, I wasn’t entirely over believing that what I saw in the mirror was something to be concerned with….

….but it slowly dissolved over time. And it began to diminish very quickly, the more I applied The Work of Byron Katie to my stressful thinking.

Take a look and see what I want t show you about mirrors.

Who would you be without believing what you see?

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A very tricky stressful thought that can lead to…..eating, drinking, internetting, escaping

One of the top three stressful beliefs people shared when I asked what bothers them the most on a regular basis was “I drink or eat too much.”

I sure do know the pain of these. Not fun.

Now, this doesn’t have to be huge over-use, alcoholism, disordered eating, crazed bingeing, or very extreme behavior (like I myself experienced)….to be stressful.

Simply consuming when we said we didn’t want to, or wouldn’t, can start setting up a cycle of regret, frustration, and self-talk that says “I’m not good enough” or “I made a mistake”.

Usually, I’ve found there’s something very compelling, something I’m looking for or seeking, something I’m trying to avoid (or so the mind thinks) that becomes worth the act of consuming.

You know what the substance does.

At first, just for a moment, it offers some relief, it tastes so good, it’s pleasurable, the body relaxes. Yum. Ahhhh. Relief from tension.

Then, it wears off. The moment of pleasure moves to the next phase. Difficult digestion, bloating, restless sleep, dehydrated.

We’re so upset, we wonder “Why did I drink that again? Why did I eat that again? There must be something wrong with me!”

But instead of jumping to the conclusion that you are flawed, you can study the process and wonder to yourself “What is happening before I decide to consume this thing, that I would ditch feeling good physically and use this thing to get some pleasure, or relief?”

What’s going on in my day, in my week, in my mind, in my thinking….that says “eat, drink, smoke, TV, internet” or whatever your thing is?

What’s missing?

What am I worried about?

What’s the worst that could happen if I stop consuming this thing, substance, activity altogether in this moment?

Often people reach for their favorite relaxers when they have unscheduled time, at the end of the work day, at night, when they’re alone without obligations.

Just last night, my back was a little achy, I had a wonderful day with clients and projects and exercise midday….but I remained at the table with the laptop, working on something. My husband was waiting to take a walk. The clock passed 8:30 pm, then 9:00 pm, then at 9:25 pm I looked up and called out to him in the other room “I’m almost ready” (he is very patient).

Ten more minutes before I stood up and put on my jacket.

It appears in my evenings (this is not the first time) I’m unable again to pause, stop, relax, switch gears and end the work day.

What’s going on?

If you’re wondering about yourself, you can answer the question…what’s the worst that could happen in your mind and thoughts, if you stop?

If you stop eating, working, drinking, smoking….what is terrible about this mentally? What would you experience?

Now don’t just go and say “Nothing would be terrible about it! I’d love it! I’d finally be happy! I’d be doing something right!”

Now, now. This is the way we often think that covers up the underlying fear about what could happen if we stop.

You’re not crazy. There is actually a reason or thought process underway that repeatedly thinks if you stop enacting your compulsive behavior, consuming, watching, eating, busy-ing, there will be hell to pay.

So in my case, what’s the worst that could happen in my thinking if I stopped working?

I’d feel anxious. I’d want those tasks done. I wouldn’t be able to sit still with unfinished projects half completed. I’d think the empty space should be filled with something. I should accomplish something.

This can be a huge source of stress, and even a sense of profound powerlessness for people, the thought “I should be doing something productive.”

The mental judgment that what you should be doing ought to be productive, and sitting still isn’t productive, relaxing isn’t of benefit, doing nothing isn’t good.

Let’s inquire.

Is it true that doing nothing is bad or wrong? Is it true you should be doing something?

Yes!

Can you absolutely know you should be doing something productive?

No. It wouldn’t make sense to be producing 24/7. It’s not possible. It’s not balanced.

What happens when you think this thought?

I press on, push myself, think, make lists, check them off. If I sit still or do something different, I can’t stop thinking about doing something.

I battle with the desire to rest. In the past, I would begin to eat, and eat more. I’d watch a movie in the dark. Anything to avoid doing the things I thought I should be doing. I’d rebel! Anger would arise! I’ll do whatever I want! (Consume).

Who would you be without this thought that you should be doing something productive and acting like a good citizen?

Oh. Huh. Never thought of that before.

Let go of believing I should be accomplishing something? Is that OK?

I once had a friend who couldn’t stop cleaning, scrubbing, doing dishes, polishing even if I came over for dinner. She appeared unable to sit at the table with me and enjoy a conversation. When she stopped, she stepped out onto the balcony for a cigarette. The only way to pause.

Who would we be without the belief we should be Doing?

Wow.

Part of my mind moves to imagining I’d get depressed. You mean nothing is required, and there’s nothing to do? But. Don’t I matter? Isn’t this all about making a difference? I feel so good when I complete a major project, or do something cool. Isn’t that what all the great successful people are doing? Constantly accomplishing things?

Without the thought I should be accomplishing, I might fizzle into nothing and die!

Haha! (It’s true! We will all fizzle and die, at least this body will.)

Who would you really, really be without worrying about what your mind has to say if you unplug, rest, relax, stop?

I’d notice we get tired, go to sleep, shut down AND we “do” every single day. I’d be moved to work when I wanted to work, without forcing, being rigid. I’d be more caring for this body. I would have no urgency.

Turning this thought around: I should NOT be accomplishing something. I should be accomplishing nothing. 

Yes. My greatest desire is to be with everything, open to all that is in this world, and to experience the joy of being here for this temporary time. One thing I always wanted was being comfortable doing nothing.

Not contending with anything, not fighting anything (including this mind), not believing things will be better, later, once I finish the task…but to enjoy the laundry, the writing, each client, sweeping the floor, taking out the garbage, sitting on my couch, walking, sleeping…without expectation. Noticing.

Loving What Is.

Including empty unscheduled time, rest, slowing down, the space of stillness. No need to consume something or reach for pleasure, but allowing the quiet to be here now, even in the midst of a mind screaming that you need to do something.

Do you have to believe everything you think?

Ahhhh.

Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don’t resist them – that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like. ~ Lao Tsu

Much love,

Grace

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Eating Peace: If I Tell the Truth, They’ll Get Upset (So Let’s Eat Instead)!

Long ago, I was given a book called “What You Think of Me Is None of My Business”.

What an cool title.

And what a difficult thing to actually experience.

You mean….even if you knew me and you didn’t like what you saw, or felt, or knew about my thoughts, it’s none of my business? You mean, you can go on doing whatever you’re doing over there, and I don’t need to respond or pay attention to every nuance or tone of your voice? You mean, I don’t have to be hyper-alert to everything you do?

But! I’m worried about hurting your feelings, or you being mean to me, or you abandoning me! I’m worried about doing it wrong, or screwing up, or making a mistake.

In fact, I think it WILL be a mistake if you’re disturbed by something I say, do, feel, show, think.

So I better keep it on the low down! I better be very quiet, hide it, act like I’m nice even if I don’t feel nice.

Yeah, that’s the ticket. I’ll ACT like I’m fine, comfortable, non-judgmental….even if I am NOT fine, uncomfortable and very judgmental.

Ouch.

The thing is, when you try to hide the truth of what you’re honestly feeling and thinking, you will likely begin to feel like over-eating, or eating for comfort or distraction, rather than eating for fuel.

Which isn’t fun.

There may be a bump in the road to learn, and it’s called Being Honest.

Who would you be without the belief that you actually need to hide your true thoughts in order to be safe, secure, comfortable, or happy?

It’s not easy, but you may find, it’s worth it. Because when you tell the truth, without shame, and with the desire for connection and honesty with another….

….you’ll likely find you don’t want to eat for emotional reasons anymore.

THAT makes it worth it.

Watch here for insight on being yourself, in the presence of other people: