When someone is acting needy or demanding, like they can’t give up until they get what they want, we’ll often judge their behavior as sooooo…..ewww.
There they are, plowing ahead knocking other people out of the way to reach their goal…..or pining and moaning in a corner somewhere because they’re not getting what they want.
Both human behaviors are a bit irritating, even though they’re kind of opposites to the same coin.
Whether someone else is the needy, clinging, grabby person, pushing, selfish, demanding person, you might have one type you notice in your life (or maybe both) on a regular basis.
Either one feels, well, gross….as my teenage daughter would say.
It feels wretched, and upsetting, or infuriating.
Even if you think YOU exhibit one or both of these types of energies, and you don’t admire it much in yourself, there’s a way to address it, and it’s kind of counter-intuitive.
Find SOMEONE ELSE–Not You–who has this irritating or desperate behavior you’re calling needy or demanding, and judge the heck out of them on paper.
Get out a Judge Your Neighbor worksheet, and picture the needy or demanding person acting the MOST needy or demanding they’ve ever acted, who is so insecure (or whatever you’re thinking of them) and write every uncomfortable thought down, unedited, on this worksheet.
I’ve got one.
How about you?
A man who once said to me that he was going to commit suicide without me in his life.
Ugh.
When he wrote that to me….I thought he was completely nuts.
I have this picture of him, long before the declaration that he wanted me to be his girlfriend…..following me to my car, never taking a breath he talked so much (we were friends), and holding on to the open door while I got in. I politely waited for him to pause, so I could get a word in edgewise, shut the door, and drive away.
He’s a dependent addict. Needy, extreme, lost and ridiculous in his thinking. He should get some serious psychological help and to stand on his own two feet. He’s a stalker. I need him to grow up and act normal. He’s sick.
Let’s inquire.
Is it true?
Yes!
Can you imagine committing suicide because someone doesn’t want you? What is this, Shakespeare? Creepy!
For me, it was terrifying.
But could I absolutely know it was true, that he was a dependent addict, like a love addict, with me? That he was needy, extreme, lost, ridiculous…or a stalker?
Not 100%. Well, not at all, now that I think about it.
He lived hundreds of miles away, he worked hard and made lots of money. A love addict?
I didn’t really know.
So how do you react when you think someone’s too needy, or someone’s too demanding, about getting what they want, in any way?
I notice, I try to get away. I ditch them.
If they’re bossy and demanding, I feel afraid. If they’re crying, I withdraw.
So who would you be without your beliefs about this person?
Without the belief he’s reaching, grabbing, begging, insecure, addicted, overwhelmed, too focused on me, and a baby?
“Mind is the creator of all of it, and when you see someone as unkind, it’s reminder that your head is off, not your body, and it’s time to do The Work….Our work’s not done until we stop being at war with anyone or anything.” ~ Byron Katie
Oh yah.
Heh heh.
Without these thoughts and beliefs, I notice the room I’m in, my surroundings. I’m here with myself, and many strong and intense emotions, feelings and images in my mind (of him).
I turn the thoughts around….without using it to attack myself, but instead using it to open up to who the projector is, and that I might not know any better either, just like him.
I am a dependent addict. I am needy, extreme, lost and ridiculous in my thinking. I should get some serious psychological help and to stand on my own two feet. I’m a stalker. I need me to grow up and act normal. I’m sick.
Deep breath.
I’m the one whose heart started pounding when reading a few words on email. I’m the one whose whole day was ruined, just because of not knowing where he was and because he didn’t answer his phone. I stalked myself with my frightened or angry thoughts about him. I woke up in the night, thinking. I needed me to grow up and act normal. I’m the one who acted like a love-addict, like contact with him was my “fix”.
Back then, when I did my work at the time…..
….I saw how I expected someone else to be the grown up (not me, never me) and act mature, enlightened and give the appropriate response to this situation.
It’s like I didn’t think of myself as the one who possibly could be clear, loving, honest and vulnerable.
But it turns out…..I could.
I “broke up” with him, feeling a sense of humility and great clarity too (not wishy-washy), seeing how I was just as weird as he was in the whole dance, acknowledging what a total love-addict I had been, and how dishonest, and how needy.
I gave myself a big hug, and cried a long while, for being so extreme, and lost, and not standing on my own two feet.
“You have everything you need in order to be an honest human being. No one ever has to be afraid of the truth. It’s the defenses that we build around the truth that strike fear into our hearts….If I think ‘What’s the matter with him?’ there is something the matter with me in that moment. I’ve just put an obstacle between us. It’s only a thought, but look what my mind does with it. And until I question what I believe about him, until I do The Work, I lose the awareness of love. So I question it, and love is visible again.” ~ Byron Katie in I Need Your Love–Is It True?
Wow. Love becoming visible again.
Sweet.
Start with your most despicable judgments. Write them all down.
Who ever would have thought your worst thoughts could become lightbulbs to awareness, freedom….LOVE!?!
And if you’d like group support to do The Work together on difficult relationships….you’re in luck. On Wednesdays from 9-10:30 am Pacific Time March 23 – May 11 (no class April 4 or April 27) we’ll begin working together on this powerful journey of inquiry. That’s Noon Eastern, 5 pm London. Click HERE to join read more, or to join the six session telecourse Relationship Hell To Heaven.
Much love, Grace