Tag: break up

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Relationships Ending: Hell To Heaven When Questioning “That Person Left Me”

There’s something about gathering in a group to do The Work that can bring out wisdom like nobody’s business.
That saying “like nobody’s business” fits well here–no one person’s unique business, we’re all sharing The Work and looking at the mind and what it’s thinking.
As our new Year of Inquiry group began this week, my sense of gratitude and wonder glowed.
An inquirer brought the thought “he left me” to inquiry.
She looked closely, and so did everyone else.
Around the circle we went after she answered the four questions, sharing the way we could relate to that thought ourselves.
When we hear a concept like “he left me”….
….we notice we understand what it means.
We see pictures of our experiences.
We even see pictures of the person who is doing The Work in our heads. We’re listening.
The thing about doing The Work together in a group is we get to come back to ourselves and our own feelings about the same thought while also taking in others at the very same time.
As people shared what was occurring to them in the moment about being left and leaving in life, different situations sprung up that were so incredibly interesting.
One person was remembering the suffering in a relationship long ago, where she also believed “he left me”.
Someone else pondered about death as an ultimate “leaving”.
Then another shared her awareness of how each day, during any conversation (and especially with one friend) there were micro-moments of “leaving” happening, or suspected leaving.
We see someone’s face, or the way their words trail off, or the way they’re talking too much, or not paying attention at all.
Tiny moments adding up together and the mind creating meaning: they’re leaving me.
They don’t care, they don’t notice, they’re not interested, they’re not the same, they don’t get me, they don’t love me.
Who are we without the story of being left, or needing to Not be Left?
Without the story that it’s possible to be left at all?
This doesn’t mean denial and pretending a person is living with you who no longer is living with you–that would be nuts.
This work is about seeing reality clearly, sharing with others, having no teacher except oneself–and finding paradoxically the connection with the world.
I adore doing The Work with a group.
The wisdom arising is so precious.
No one else’s life is the answer. No one else is the only “teacher” (although they can be a beautiful and loving guide, of course).
Everyone sharing in this journey and through the sharing, a sense of unexpected connection in the mystery of All This.
New ideas about leaving and Not Leaving arriving in the very moment of everyone on a call together.
Without the story of being left….I notice the joy of being on a zoom call with a brilliant group of people all eager to question their thinking and learn and grow.
I notice how fun it is to grow, like a plant. Like a flower blossoming in a field of glorious colorful flowers of all different shapes and sizes (other people).
No special flowers are necessary. Even the bugs are OK.
Turning the thought around:
  • He did not leave me
  • I left myself in that situation
  • My thinking left me
  • I left him
Could the story of abandonment be a huge shared human fear (story), and these turnarounds also just as true or truer?
Yes.
I left myself when I panicked and thought of myself as too small to succeed in the future, too ignorant, too powerless, too alone.
 
He did not leave me. He’s in my heart forever. I’ve had thoughts of him regularly, always, and learned so very much about relating, communicating, and unconditional love.
 
My thinking left me and raced into the future, and worrying about if it would be good or bad. Or into the past and crying with the failure of it all. It didn’t remember I was right here in the moment, being held and supported.
 
I left him when I wished him dead, hated him, raged about him, believed he’d be better off staying with me than living a life of freedom. 
 
These turnarounds can be tricky, and difficult.
They’re a shift of the very ground we usually stand on that’s so sure of what we need to survive in life well, and successfully.
You can question your thinking all by yourself–in the end it’s the one person you love and care about the most (which is a good thing)–and, what a joy to connect with others in The Work.
In our zoom group together we sat with the living turnaround “I’m staying with myself”.
Practicing staying, noticing staying, aware of staying power–the unconditional power of love and silence that is already staying through everything you’ve ever been through.
Here you are.
Something has stayed, despite all the changes in daily life.
Something remains.
That something is who we are, what we are, how we are connected in essence.
Noticing all is well and so very exciting–in a quiet way.
The joy of a group of inquirers gathering to meet the mind with the remarkable practice of asking “is it true?” and “who are you without that story?”
For those interested in this specific topic, we’re starting Sunday with a six-session group from 9:30am PT-11:30am PT to plunge into the work of a primary love relationship changing in the form of separation, break-up or divorce.
My co-facilitator Nadine is also Certified in The Work of Byron Katie. We’ve both practiced The Work through a divorce and come out more vibrant, grateful and thrilled about our lives, and the future.
Instead of watching The Work or wondering about The Work, when we gather in this format we actually do the work.
It’s not always comfortable, that’s for sure.
But it is the most enlightening, amazing experience to truly question your mindset about love and relationship and what is required for happiness.
Yes, it is work.
It’s why it is called The Work.
The good news is, when we wonder who we are without our stressful stories….it’s not all darkness and pain.
Quite the opposite.
A few more spots open in the course starting on Sunday. We’d love to have you.
We have clear, formulated exercises that help us question fear, loss, sorrow, dread and angst in relationship and clearly identify specific common topics that appear in our minds that hurt.
Read about the course and sign up for Relationship Hell To Heaven HERE.
Much love,
Grace
P.S. If you’re still considering Year of Inquiry there’s no reason not to join. We’re meeting for the first time this year on Saturdays (for those involved in kids and work on weekdays) as well as Tuesday 9am PT and Thurs 5pm PT. A fabulous bunch has assembled. An awesome experiential training for those wanting to work with others as a facilitator. Upcoming monthly topics are: Family of Origin, Hurt and Fear, Money, That One Relationship, Body. You are both student and teacher, and yet you don’t have to do it alone. Read more about YOI here.
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He’s disappointing me–he should be different–true? (+still some spots in course that just started)

It seems there’s a wind of change in the air.

Oh yes, it’s still summer where I live….but not for much longer. The days appear more orange in color, and piles of berries sold in the shops have dwindled.

Maybe because of the pattern for so many years in school, the calendar approaching September brings a sense of newness.

Things beginning.

Possibilities around the corner.

Yesterday, gathering with the group of wonderful inquirers in the relationships course (Divorce/Break-Up/Separation our topic), I felt the new joy of starting another deep dive in to exploring peace….once again….in primary relationship.

Peace, no matter what happened, what’s happening now, what will happen in the future.

One of my favorite first exercises in the class is called The Good Ex (we haven’t even gotten to this exercise yet–so spoiler alert–if you’re in the course, you’ll get to do this soon).

But everyone and anyone interested in looking at stories about relationships can do this exercise on any troubling situation you’ve ever been in with someone. They don’t have to be an “ex”.

A Good (fill in the blank) Husband. A Good Wife. A Good Partner. A Good Mate. A Good Lover. A Good Friend. A Good Mother. A Good Father, Brother, Grandma, Boss…

What is your definition of a good one of these?

What is a good ex? What is a good partner?

Make a list.

Let’s look at what a good partner is like.

What’s on your list?

A good partner:

  • speaks kindly to me
  • shares their money with me
  • asks how I’m feeling
  • wants to spend time with me and asks me on dates
  • is an attentive lover
  • buys me gifts (that I like)
  • makes me laugh
  • lives a healthy life (and doesn’t die before me)
What else is on your list?

 

What about the list of what a good ex-partner should be like? What should an ex-partner think, feel, say, do?

 

Now….notice how the person you’re thinking of in real life doesn’t match up to this list.

 

Dang.

 

It means the one I’ve got here isn’t doing well. At least, not compared to the list. Rats.

 

Or, perhaps when they aren’t playing the best role possible, doing it the way I hope….

 

….we’re terrified. 

I have the ideal version, and then I have the actual version.

And I’m devastated.

But here’s the brilliant thing about inquiry…

We can question our “ideal version” and find out if it’s really true that we’d be happy if we had what’s on the list.

(No, this doesn’t mean we give up in despair from ever getting anything we like–this isn’t about tossing out all preferences).

So I’m noticing I think I need this particular person to have the same quality (let’s just look at one at a time) as what is on the list.

So let’s say I’m believing this person should speak kindly, attentively, and ask for time with me….and he doesn’t. Ever.

He should speak kindly and spend time with me.

Is it true?

YES. Why the heck am I in a relationship in the first place, even when we aren’t married anymore? Jeez, are you nuts?

But can you absolutely know this is true that this particular person should be that way (see list)?

Sigh. No.

So what happens when you believe that thought?

Terrible images cross my mind, about the future. I’m living a life of sorrow and loneliness and heart-break forever….

….where my former husband never wants to talk about what happened between us, have a heart-to-heart, enjoy a close conversation filled with understanding and kindness.

I feel distance, sadness, pining, grief.

So who would you be without this sad story that he should want to spend time and speak kindly?

Relaxed.

Without my beliefs about what a relationship should look like, I might notice that actually I am the one who wants to spend time. I am the one who didn’t speak kindly, or ask for conversation.

Shoot.

But this work isn’t about hitting yourself or feeling bad about you, instead of the other.

It’s about awareness. Simple.

Turning the thought around:

I should speak kindly and spend time with him. I should speak kindly and spend time with me. He shouldn’t speak kindly or spend time with me.

Can I find examples of all three of these turnarounds, one by one?

If I really want to spend time with him, I could ask him for a meeting, for regular time, for conversation. I could have asked my former husband, for example, for a more honest heart-to-heart when it first crossed my mind–and all the many times it occurred to me again later. I kept thinking things like “Nah, he should make the effort. He doesn’t want to talk with me anyway”.

I should speak kindly and spend time with myself. Wow. No kidding, this is so true. I was very mean and critical to myself in the past, especially when it came to relationships and being honest about what I wanted. I would often have a thread of self-judgment running about myself, with many people. I wouldn’t say “no” or “yes” honestly.

He shouldn’t be that other way (speak kindly, ask for time). Can I find a reason why not? Would it be weird, perhaps? What if he was super needy, and wanted to follow me around everywhere? There can be advantages to being left alone!

Do I really want to have my happiness depend on someone else’s behavior?

In all this, I love finding the balance. It never means swinging over to doing, saying, finding nothing to request, to go mute and have zero preferences.

That’s not what this work is about.

It seems it’s about freedom.

Freedom to be with myself peacefully while I move toward and then away from others. Noticing kind conversations and how fun they are (in my own head, with others). Spending time with others in many intimate wonderful ways.

Trusting the way the world turns, that there’s people coming and going and coming again. Quiet and silence, then talking and sharing, then quiet again.

Who would we be without our stories of the ideal relationship?

We’d be with the one in front of us, and excited for whomever I’ll meet next.

“When someone loves what is, she makes use of anything life happens to bring her way, because she doesn’t con herself anymore. What comes her way is always good. She sees that clearly, even though people may say otherwise. There’s no adversity in her life. And from her experience, others learn the way of it. If someone says ‘I’m leaving you’ she feels the excitement rising inside her, since she can see only the advantages that come from that. What could be a more fulfilling experience than to witness the gift of reality? If someone says ‘I’m joining you’ she can see only the advantages in that. What could be a dearer experience than having you join me? She’s going to die: good. She’s not going to die: good. She’s going to lose her eye sight: good. She’s not going to lose her eyesight: good. She’s crippled; she can walk again: good, good, good. She, like everyone and everything else, is the beautiful, simple flow of reality, which is always kinder and more exciting than our thoughts about it.” ~ Byron Katie in A Mind At Home With Itself pg. 216

Session #2 of the current online course Divorce Is Hell: Is It True? doesn’t meet until September 1st….so if you decide to join in the next few days, we’ll welcome you with open arms to inquiry on a relationship that’s caused pain or suffering in your life when it changed formats and appeared to “end”. From Sept 1st on, we meet Sundays 11:00 am PT until October 13th.

Room for a few more, so if it calls to you, join us here.
Much love,
Grace

 

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When a relationship is over? Be still and let love discover you.

You know how the other day, I shared inquiry on the belief about wanting things to go a certain way in the future?

Funny how thoughts shift, and sometimes so quickly through asking these four questions.

Today, I noticed feeling so happy and excited for upcoming retreats. Such incredible people attending spring retreat here in Seattle it makes me clap my hands (yes, you can commute daily).

AND Todd Smith, a long-time experienced Facilitator of The Work will be joining me for the Breitenbush Retreatt his year.

But mostly, I feel so joyful today with all the sweet inquiry I’ve had the privilege to witness in telegroups and individual sessions with such courageous inquirers.

It takes courage and willingness to question your thoughts.

Or, OK. It takes courage and willingness to even ADMIT your thoughts, which is the very first step.

The other day, for example, I worked with an amazing person who really touched me.

She was so unhappy because a love relationship had gone south quite dramatically, and ended.

She was so sad, she could hardly contain her grief and rage all mixed together. Her thoughts kept turning to herself, and how she was the one who screwed up and if she hadn’t said x, y, z or threatened to break up with him three months ago, this terrible ending wouldn’t have occurred.

I’ve known that voice that condemns the self. It’s dreadful.

But what if you paused before the beliefs come in about how rotten, stupid, and ugly you are?

Those thoughts only exist when you believe this situation shouldn’t have happened. It’s like we take out the whip and start beating ourselves with it mentally, for punishment of this crime of causing something to go wrong.

Are you sure a break-up or change or ending or move in another direction….IS wrong for you? For the other person? For the greater good?

Can you absolutely be sure it’s terrible?

Even if you say “yes” it’s a horrible thing….keep going with inquiry anyway.

How do you react when you believe the break-up, divorce, or getting fired is BAD BAD BAD?

Isn’t that when you begin to hate yourself, or think of yourself as unworthy?

Who would you be without this painful story?

I’m not saying a break-up isn’t shocking. It is sometimes. It’s unexpected, a surprise, and you may not have seen it coming. (And we could question that we should have).

“If we’re even one breath more or one breath less than anyone else, we’re not at home.” ~ Byron Katie

But what if the turnaround is just as true, or truer….that this ending, break-up, divorce, cut-off is good? Or interesting, fitting. Perhaps it has an important invitation.

When I was getting divorced, I sat with this turnaround for a very long time….many times, honestly. And I found examples of why it was good this had happened.

It brought me to know myself in a way previously impossible to reach. It gave the the beauty of becoming comfortable, and then ecstatic, with silence. It gave me so much time to meditate and read.

It gave me the power to question my thoughts like wildfire.

My thinking was the only thing that was painful. I got it.

“We do not need to go out and find love; rather, we need to be still and let love discover us.” ~ John O’Donohue

Much love,
Grace

P.S. a few more spots open for the next afternoon mini-retreat Sunday 3/18 from 2-6 pm. Register here.

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I was rejected

I wrote a long, friendly email. I sent it off. I expected a great response. A thumbs up. Instead….a no thank you. That won’t work for me.

Rejection.

Nothing like it.

We’re not talking failure. Or being forgotten. Or losing out.

REJECTION.

The word comes from the Latin word re, which means “back”, and jacere which means “to throw”. Throw back.

Like something you caught and you think…..ew. Gross. Get rid of it.

When we reject something, we notice it, and actually wish it was gone, or that we need to make it go away if at all possible.

Experiencing rejection is tough.

Energy coming from something else or someone else directed towards me, saying “get outta here!”

He rejected me. She rejected me. They rejected me.

Are you actually rejected though?

Can you absolutely be sure?

No.

Because I’m still existing. I live. I go about my daily life. They rejected me (I believe) but I’m still here, on planet earth. I can’t absolutely know I am rejected entirely, fundamentally, forever. I’m not even sure what that would look like….death? Banishment?

How do I react when I believe it’s possible to be rejected?

Ouch.

I’m very, very careful to never be rejected again. I’m cautious. I stay away from certain places, or people. I act non-rejectable. I get drawn to whatever people look like they are accepting, rather than rejecting.

I’m angry about rejection. I’m furious! I think righteously about that nasty person and what a nut-job they are. I defend myself. I’m the one who’s fine. THEY are the rejecting screw-ball. See what they’re like? I make a list of their faults. I reject them.

Who would I be without the belief they rejected me?

Wait, what?

But.

No really. Without the belief they rejected you? There they are being themselves, doing whatever they did, saying whatever they said….but you have no thought about it. You don’t know it means REJECTION.

What would that be like?

I’d see a person over there who’s acting frightened, maybe confused. Doing the best they can.

I’m over here, steady on, breathing, even open, curious.

Turning the thought around: they did NOT reject me. How could this be just as true, or truer? Even if they said “no” to you.

Well, I’m sitting in my lovely chair in my living room, looking out at the night sky beyond the window, noticing the quiet, the string lights illuminating the room. Not rejected. Living. Here.

I see that person was afraid, too. The one who I believe rejected me.

Turning it around again: I rejected myself. I rejected THEM. 

Oh wow.

How did I reject myself in this situation? How did I reject them?

This is not an exercise of aggression and self-criticism. It’s for taking a look at what could also be true, and seeing this energy called “rejection” and relaxing with it, instead of fighting it.

How could I have rejected myself, in that situation, and rejected that other person?

I did rip that person to shreds in my mind, calling them “needy” and “rude” and “too sensitive”. I rejected myself by finding criticism in the way I interacted with that other person. I had thoughts like “I should have known they would be rude” when I couldn’t ever have known what they were feeling. I had thoughts about myself like “I’m an idiot” when I really was just trying the best I could.

This rejection thing I did to me, to them….just as much as I believed they did it to me.

The best way I know to find peace with this thought about being rejected, is to question it, and then live the turnaround “I am accepted”.

How is it you are acceptable? How is it you are supported, claimed, held, loved? Even in the midst of that person who is supposedly doing a rejecting thing.

I am accepted. 

Can you keep finding examples?

“You need our approval, is it true? Can you absolutely know that it’s true you need our approval? What happens to your life when you believe you need our approval? Do you become the person THEY want you to be? You lose touch with yourself! The person you become, you don’t like. No wonder we don’t like ourselves. The person we don’t like isn’t us, it’s our facade. It’s what you pretended to be, to get our approval! But no matter what facade you put up, often you don’t get our approval anyway, and you certainly don’t get yours.” ~ Byron Katie

Much love,

Grace

P.S. Seattle area inquirers: this coming Sunday meetup 4-6 pm at Goldilocks Cottage! Drop in, open group by donation. Let’s do The Work! For information visit HERE.

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Take a stand against self-hate when you go through a break up

Spring Retreat is completely full. I like to say “spring cleaning” retreat.

You can do spring cleaning retreat on your own mind no matter where you are, as you go about life. It’s nice to have you come to Seattle, but the wonderful thing about The Work is…it’s not required to go anywhere to do it.

You can stop somewhere, find a pen and paper or your favorite device, and begin by writing down your painful thoughts.

THEN….do The Work on one thought at a time.

The other day, several people shared that one place they feel stuck, sad, despairing, or frustrated is in the middle of a relationship.

A break up, irritation with your partner, not feeling attracted to someone anymore and feeling like you should be, divorce.

Now, finding something annoying about the person you’re living with can be difficult, like getting poked with a pin every time you once again observe it.

These thoughts are like mosquitos. Here they come again. Huff. “There he goes again with leaving his stuff all over the table” or “he’s so out of shape” or “she’s always eating my snacks” or “she shouldn’t be so impatient’.

But it seems when people share with me that a relationship, even with it’s quirks and faults, is OVER….

….they feel pretty dreadful.

Thoughts begin to appear like “I’ll be alone forever” or “no one really cares about me” or “he’s already moved on so fast, I must have meant nothing to him” or “she ruined my life by leaving”.

Whew, these are super intense.

Let’s take a look at a break up, and see if we can get a little spring cleaning done.

One of the most difficult things I realized, long ago when I was going through divorce, was that because I was no longer wanted as a primary partner….I concluded that it meant I was un-want-able.

Worthy of being left.

Because someone moves away from me, I did something wrong.

This can even happen with other close relationships, family, friends, children.

Is it true, that if someone leaves you, or ends the relationship, or doesn’t want to talk to you anymore….it means YOU are worthy of being left? Leave-able? Don’t deserve a relationship that remains intact?

No.

How could it possibly mean this? There are so many factors involved.

How do you react when you believe you actually deserve to be left, or somehow caused it, or made it happen?

I know this is going to sound a little harsh….but it’s kind of grandiose. Negatively grandiose, I know. But I realized, that break up over a decade ago wasn’t All-About-Me. I knew, when I really answered the question honestly, that someone leaving did NOT automatically mean I deserved it.

How do you treat that person, when you think you don’t want them to leave, or you need them to stay so you can still be worthy?

Ooooh. Yikes. I’m treating them like they are a precious diamond or some incredible prize or possession I can’t be happy without. Unhappy when they aren’t around. Happy only if they are.

It’s like being in a volatile prison. Everything’s hanging on what that other person does (coming, going) and I’m not here in my own business watching the world do what it does–which includes that person apparently “leaving”.

People can’t even die without me freaking out, when I believe them leaving means something about me. When people go, I never enjoy my own company.

So who would we be without this incredibly alarming thought that people have to stick around for my worthiness and feeling of deserving ease and support?

Wow.

You mean….I don’t have to depend on anyone staying? I don’t have to believe it means I did something wrong? Or I’ll be alone forever? Or I’m a loser?

Yes, what if this meant nothing about you? Who would you be without the story it’s YOU?

I found this as I did The Work during my divorce. I could see so many reasons why my former husband wanted out of a marriage and to move into a new paradigm, to stop the one-track road he had been on.

As I did my work, and explored who I’d be without my dreadful self-attacking thoughts….

….I could begin to genuinely find turnarounds too, without bitterness.

  • I am want-able; I’m here, I’m alive, I’m available
  • I don’t have to depend on someone’s presence to feel love
  • There is no deserve or not-deserve, I am simply alive and can love this moment no matter who is in or out of it
  • I’ll be connected and loved forever
  • everyone really cares about me
  • I was clinging and crying so fast, he must have meant nothing to me
  • she/he saved my life by leaving

I can find examples for every single one of these turnarounds.

My life is completely different because of the pain I experienced through break-up. It woke me up. I was in a nightmare when it came to what I believed about relationship and love.

Now, I feel free when it comes to relationship, partnership and love, almost all the time. I get the best of everything: a feeling of independence like being single, and a kind accepting partner to spend time with and laugh with.

I see there’s wonderful things about being all alone, un-partnered, and that “deserving” or “worthiness” have nothing to do with partnering. Except maybe if I feel unworthy to begin with, I’ll put out that vibe big time and people will get the message and leave. I felt that way during my previous marriage: full of doubt and self-criticism. His leaving was a perfect match to how I already saw me. We were on the same page.

I see with others who have left that I don’t have to be so distraught when they go. My father died long ago, for example, and I still feel his love and have little conversations with him all the time. I don’t need his body to be here to feel comfortable.

Who would you really be without your stories of alone-ness or having a partner or being “in” a relationship or being “out” of one?

Everyday we’re “in” then “out” of relationship. Life is moving and dancing all over the place. All day long, this very day, the man who is my husband was gone, nowhere to be seen (by me). I hardly thought of him. He was busy teaching kids. I was busy doing The Work with people.

Perhaps fully breaking up could be the same in the end.

Without me putting heavy, harsh, self-attacking meaning on people coming and going….I’m watching, feeling, loving, sharing, moving, holding still, crying, laughing, thinking, taking action, being a human.

“It’s confusing for someone to conclude that they aren’t loved because there is something wrong with them. This person, who is trying to become lovable spends much time, attention and energy trying to be good, earn approval, please others, be perfect. 

And then, when they find that all that trying to be good doesn’t work, and doesn’t in fact get the love and approval they want, the only thing they know how to do is TRY HARDER. 

If you can find the willingness to look, and take a stand against the scam self-hate has you caught in, the confusion will give way to clarity.”

~ Cheri Huber in There Is Nothing Wrong With You

All I know is, ending the self-hate scam and self-improvement efforts have freed up time to explore many more things in this world.

And also freed up time or awareness somehow, to notice the red leaves fluttering in the wind through the window, the flash of pale pink blossom between bright green trees, a child on her bicycle flying past the front door, the tapping of the keyboard, the silence behind my back, the willingness to die without having all the answers.

LOL.

Much love,

Grace

P.S. Breitenbush! Come join us to question the thoughts that keep you in conditioned self-improvement scam stories. We need you for other adventures in the world. At least, that’s a thought going through this mind. And, I love you even if you’re stuck.

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Question “Break Up”….Change Your Future

Question your thinking, change your future

Sometimes….stories appear to repeat themselves wildly and suddenly all at once.

Lately, I have literally had five people do The Work on a romance gone wrong in their lives. All in the past week.

Some stories were so close, I was taken aback by the similarity and the thought went through my own mind….”Is this the very same person I worked with yesterday?” although I knew it wasn’t. The inquirers had different voices, were on entirely different continents.

Each person unique in their investigation, and yet each one of all five of these beautiful people wanting desperately to examine pain about love.

Now, some of the stories were about wanting to break up and feeling worried about making a mistake, in the future, by doing so. And some of the stories were about someone breaking up with them, and thinking it was a mistake and the future looked bleak.

Both stories are pretty stressful…..the Leaver, the Left. The Future looking alarming.

The thing is, for these inquirers, all their thoughts created fear, anxiety, depression….in the Now.

So let’s take a look today at romantic love, couple-ness, romance and see what’s so disturbing about the movement of coming together or moving apart.

In a big global way, the greatest stressful story I heard was that later, in the future, for this person, they will feel: regret, fear, anger, distress with self, loss, aloneness, emptiness, dissatisfaction, unworthiness, shame, disappointment.

Long ago, when my former husband let me know he didn’t want to be married anymore, I was STUNNED.

He actually did it in a fairly kind way–no meanness, no abrasive anger, nothing like that at all–it was heart-felt honesty and anxiety that rose from the conversation.

I numbly said almost nothing.

I felt like my life was falling into a black hole of space. It physically felt like I was actually falling sometimes, like I would get dizzy while standing and waiting for the printer to print, or light-headed while sitting on a chair in a classroom on a Monday night. I felt like the ground was moving, as if on a ship.

The future I expected was no longer possible. It was a wide, empty space….like a gaping wound.

A few years later, I was the Leav-er with another fairly short romance. I had never broken up with anyone in my entire life in a clear way (this probably wasn’t that clear either, honestly, but it was at least official). I knew to break up with the person I had been involved with. It appears I had to feel a huge level of anger before I’d actually act upon my preference, though.

There was a dictator in my head telling me I would regret things later, I should be appreciative, I should be accepting and kind. I shouldn’t hurt someone else’s tender feelings. I shouldn’t be selfish.

But in these situations of romance comings and goings….

….who would you be without your story?

Without a stressful belief? Without the thought “they’ll be devastated” or “I will be devastated”.

Good to narrow down the thought to only one. A bit tricky to globally inquire into the whole package of relationship stories.

Who would I actually be without the thought this was all going to hell in a handbasket and my future was dark, uncertain, unknown, destroyed…..a failure story?

Huh.

Without the thought “I am devastated” and “my future is destroyed”, I noticed in my situation at least, my present was still….present.

I was here. I was alive. I had possibilities around and before me. I had no idea what was going on, or what was going to happen. There WAS no story….without the thought. Everything was a big question mark. All a humongous unknown.

(Was this always the way it is?)

As I sat wondering who I would be without the thought that this change of plans (break-up) was a “bad” thing….

….I noticed I could not fly into the future in my mind, because none of it could stand up to anything definite, or solid, or “real”.

Didn’t I always want to feel the wild spark of the present, without believing future unreal stories?

Oh!! Wow!!

I had the experience back then, in the middle of my own inquiry about this terrible shocking “break up” that it was maybe, just maybe, a gift. It ripped off the bandaid. It plunked me right down into the present moment with no escape routes. I remember looking around my cute little living room and thinking how pretty it was, without believing the thought “I am devastated, ruined, without a future”.

The gorgeous red floral carpet, the cream colored walls, the bookshelf with all my friends on it, the Chinese lantern string lights, the silence.

Turning the thought around: There is no future….YAHOOOOO! (As opposed to terror). I am not devastated, ruined. I have an amazing unknown, unknowable, exciting life. My THINKING about the future is devastating….not the actual future. (Oh so true). My thinking is shocked, my story is ruined.

How could this all be good news? What are examples of this experience of break-up being a good thing, an exciting thing, the best thing that could possibly happen (vs the worst)?

Well, like I said….I love adventure, I love being aware of the present brilliant moment and not lost in unreal stories, I love feeling the physical presence of floor beneath feet, laundry humming in the dryer, light bulb lighting the room, and freedom.

I remember finding the great reasons, no matter how small, that it was brilliant what was happening, rather than devastating:

I don’t have to talk to anyone.

I’m breathing.

People donated beautiful furniture to me, prettier than what I had when I was married.

I live in a cute, adorable cottage built for VACATIONS originally in 1940.

I can go to movies by myself and not have to discuss with anyone how they felt about it afterwards.

I get to meditate, without interruptions.

I started going to dance, doing The Work, going to dance again, doing The Work, taking walks, playing music, listening to music, doing The Work, talking with people about The Work and self-realization, studying more deeply and intently.

I met another wonderful fascinating man, and it turns out I got married again.

Wow, that really was the absolute best thing that could ever have happened for me.

It’s what it took for me to wake up.

Which is still underway, daily.

Thank goodness.

“What does it matter? It is the mind that is dull or restless, not you. Look, all kinds of things happen in this room. Do I cause them to happen? They just happen. So it is with you – the roll of destiny unfolds itself and actualizes the inevitable. You cannot change the course of events, but you can change your attitude and what really matters is the attitude and not the bare event.” ~ Nisargadatta

Much love,

Grace

Posted on

You don’t have to be afraid of the truth…even if it means breaking up

begging
Ugh. He is soooo needy and demanding.

When someone is acting needy or demanding, like they can’t give up until they get what they want, we’ll often judge their behavior as sooooo…..ewww.

There they are, plowing ahead knocking other people out of the way to reach their goal…..or pining and moaning in a corner somewhere because they’re not getting what they want.

Both human behaviors are a bit irritating, even though they’re kind of opposites to the same coin.

Whether someone else is the needy, clinging, grabby person, pushing, selfish, demanding person, you might have one type you notice in your life (or maybe both) on a regular basis.

Either one feels, well, gross….as my teenage daughter would say.

It feels wretched, and upsetting, or infuriating.

Even if you think YOU exhibit one or both of these types of energies, and you don’t admire it much in yourself, there’s a way to address it, and it’s kind of counter-intuitive.

Find SOMEONE ELSE–Not You–who has this irritating or desperate behavior you’re calling needy or demanding, and judge the heck out of them on paper.

Get out a Judge Your Neighbor worksheet, and picture the needy or demanding person acting the MOST needy or demanding they’ve ever acted, who is so insecure (or whatever you’re thinking of them) and write every uncomfortable thought down, unedited, on this worksheet.

I’ve got one.

How about you?

A man who once said to me that he was going to commit suicide without me in his life.

Ugh.

When he wrote that to me….I thought he was completely nuts.

I have this picture of him, long before the declaration that he wanted me to be his girlfriend…..following me to my car, never taking a breath he talked so much (we were friends), and holding on to the open door while I got in. I politely waited for him to pause, so I could get a word in edgewise, shut the door, and drive away.

He’s a dependent addict. Needy, extreme, lost and ridiculous in his thinking. He should get some serious psychological help and to stand on his own two feet. He’s a stalker. I need him to grow up and act normal. He’s sick.

Let’s inquire.

Is it true?

Yes!

Can you imagine committing suicide because someone doesn’t want you? What is this, Shakespeare? Creepy!

For me, it was terrifying.

But could I absolutely know it was true, that he was a dependent addict, like a love addict, with me? That he was needy, extreme, lost, ridiculous…or a stalker?

Not 100%. Well, not at all, now that I think about it.

He lived hundreds of miles away, he worked hard and made lots of money. A love addict?

I didn’t really know.

So how do you react when you think someone’s too needy, or someone’s too demanding, about getting what they want, in any way?

I notice, I try to get away. I ditch them.

If they’re bossy and demanding, I feel afraid. If they’re crying, I withdraw.

So who would you be without your beliefs about this person?

Without the belief he’s reaching, grabbing, begging, insecure, addicted, overwhelmed, too focused on me, and a baby?

“Mind is the creator of all of it, and when you see someone as unkind, it’s reminder that your head is off, not your body, and it’s time to do The Work….Our work’s not done until we stop being at war with anyone or anything.” ~ Byron Katie

Oh yah.

Heh heh.

Without these thoughts and beliefs, I notice the room I’m in, my surroundings. I’m here with myself, and many strong and intense emotions, feelings and images in my mind (of him).

I turn the thoughts around….without using it to attack myself, but instead using it to open up to who the projector is, and that I might not know any better either, just like him.

I am a dependent addict. I am needy, extreme, lost and ridiculous in my thinking. I should get some serious psychological help and to stand on my own two feet. I’m a stalker. I need me to grow up and act normal. I’m sick.

Deep breath.

I’m the one whose heart started pounding when reading a few words on email. I’m the one whose whole day was ruined, just because of not knowing where he was and because he didn’t answer his phone. I stalked myself with my frightened or angry thoughts about him. I woke up in the night, thinking. I needed me to grow up and act normal. I’m the one who acted like a love-addict, like contact with him was my “fix”.

Back then, when I did my work at the time…..

….I saw how I expected someone else to be the grown up (not me, never me) and act mature, enlightened and give the appropriate response to this situation.

It’s like I didn’t think of myself as the one who possibly could be clear, loving, honest and vulnerable.

But it turns out…..I could.

I “broke up” with him, feeling a sense of humility and great clarity too (not wishy-washy), seeing how I was just as weird as he was in the whole dance, acknowledging what a total love-addict I had been, and how dishonest, and how needy.

I gave myself a big hug, and cried a long while, for being so extreme, and lost, and not standing on my own two feet.

“You have everything you need in order to be an honest human being. No one ever has to be afraid of the truth. It’s the defenses that we build around the truth that strike fear into our hearts….If I think ‘What’s the matter with him?’ there is something the matter with me in that moment. I’ve just put an obstacle between us. It’s only a thought, but look what my mind does with it. And until I question what I believe about him, until I do The Work, I lose the awareness of love. So I question it, and love is visible again.” ~ Byron Katie in I Need Your Love–Is It True?

Wow. Love becoming visible again.

Sweet.

Start with your most despicable judgments. Write them all down.

Who ever would have thought your worst thoughts could become lightbulbs to awareness, freedom….LOVE!?!

And if you’d like group support to do The Work together on difficult relationships….you’re in luck. On Wednesdays from 9-10:30 am Pacific Time March 23 – May 11 (no class April 4 or April 27) we’ll begin working together on this powerful journey of inquiry. That’s Noon Eastern, 5 pm London. Click HERE to join read more, or to join the six session telecourse Relationship Hell To Heaven.

Much love, Grace