Sometimes….stories appear to repeat themselves wildly and suddenly all at once.
Lately, I have literally had five people do The Work on a romance gone wrong in their lives. All in the past week.
Some stories were so close, I was taken aback by the similarity and the thought went through my own mind….”Is this the very same person I worked with yesterday?” although I knew it wasn’t. The inquirers had different voices, were on entirely different continents.
Each person unique in their investigation, and yet each one of all five of these beautiful people wanting desperately to examine pain about love.
Now, some of the stories were about wanting to break up and feeling worried about making a mistake, in the future, by doing so. And some of the stories were about someone breaking up with them, and thinking it was a mistake and the future looked bleak.
Both stories are pretty stressful…..the Leaver, the Left. The Future looking alarming.
The thing is, for these inquirers, all their thoughts created fear, anxiety, depression….in the Now.
So let’s take a look today at romantic love, couple-ness, romance and see what’s so disturbing about the movement of coming together or moving apart.
In a big global way, the greatest stressful story I heard was that later, in the future, for this person, they will feel: regret, fear, anger, distress with self, loss, aloneness, emptiness, dissatisfaction, unworthiness, shame, disappointment.
Long ago, when my former husband let me know he didn’t want to be married anymore, I was STUNNED.
He actually did it in a fairly kind way–no meanness, no abrasive anger, nothing like that at all–it was heart-felt honesty and anxiety that rose from the conversation.
I numbly said almost nothing.
I felt like my life was falling into a black hole of space. It physically felt like I was actually falling sometimes, like I would get dizzy while standing and waiting for the printer to print, or light-headed while sitting on a chair in a classroom on a Monday night. I felt like the ground was moving, as if on a ship.
The future I expected was no longer possible. It was a wide, empty space….like a gaping wound.
A few years later, I was the Leav-er with another fairly short romance. I had never broken up with anyone in my entire life in a clear way (this probably wasn’t that clear either, honestly, but it was at least official). I knew to break up with the person I had been involved with. It appears I had to feel a huge level of anger before I’d actually act upon my preference, though.
There was a dictator in my head telling me I would regret things later, I should be appreciative, I should be accepting and kind. I shouldn’t hurt someone else’s tender feelings. I shouldn’t be selfish.
But in these situations of romance comings and goings….
….who would you be without your story?
Without a stressful belief? Without the thought “they’ll be devastated” or “I will be devastated”.
Good to narrow down the thought to only one. A bit tricky to globally inquire into the whole package of relationship stories.
Who would I actually be without the thought this was all going to hell in a handbasket and my future was dark, uncertain, unknown, destroyed…..a failure story?
Huh.
Without the thought “I am devastated” and “my future is destroyed”, I noticed in my situation at least, my present was still….present.
I was here. I was alive. I had possibilities around and before me. I had no idea what was going on, or what was going to happen. There WAS no story….without the thought. Everything was a big question mark. All a humongous unknown.
(Was this always the way it is?)
As I sat wondering who I would be without the thought that this change of plans (break-up) was a “bad” thing….
….I noticed I could not fly into the future in my mind, because none of it could stand up to anything definite, or solid, or “real”.
Didn’t I always want to feel the wild spark of the present, without believing future unreal stories?
Oh!! Wow!!
I had the experience back then, in the middle of my own inquiry about this terrible shocking “break up” that it was maybe, just maybe, a gift. It ripped off the bandaid. It plunked me right down into the present moment with no escape routes. I remember looking around my cute little living room and thinking how pretty it was, without believing the thought “I am devastated, ruined, without a future”.
The gorgeous red floral carpet, the cream colored walls, the bookshelf with all my friends on it, the Chinese lantern string lights, the silence.
Turning the thought around: There is no future….YAHOOOOO! (As opposed to terror). I am not devastated, ruined. I have an amazing unknown, unknowable, exciting life. My THINKING about the future is devastating….not the actual future. (Oh so true). My thinking is shocked, my story is ruined.
How could this all be good news? What are examples of this experience of break-up being a good thing, an exciting thing, the best thing that could possibly happen (vs the worst)?
Well, like I said….I love adventure, I love being aware of the present brilliant moment and not lost in unreal stories, I love feeling the physical presence of floor beneath feet, laundry humming in the dryer, light bulb lighting the room, and freedom.
I remember finding the great reasons, no matter how small, that it was brilliant what was happening, rather than devastating:
I don’t have to talk to anyone.
I’m breathing.
People donated beautiful furniture to me, prettier than what I had when I was married.
I live in a cute, adorable cottage built for VACATIONS originally in 1940.
I can go to movies by myself and not have to discuss with anyone how they felt about it afterwards.
I get to meditate, without interruptions.
I started going to dance, doing The Work, going to dance again, doing The Work, taking walks, playing music, listening to music, doing The Work, talking with people about The Work and self-realization, studying more deeply and intently.
I met another wonderful fascinating man, and it turns out I got married again.
Wow, that really was the absolute best thing that could ever have happened for me.
It’s what it took for me to wake up.
Which is still underway, daily.
Thank goodness.
“What does it matter? It is the mind that is dull or restless, not you. Look, all kinds of things happen in this room. Do I cause them to happen? They just happen. So it is with you – the roll of destiny unfolds itself and actualizes the inevitable. You cannot change the course of events, but you can change your attitude and what really matters is the attitude and not the bare event.” ~ Nisargadatta
Much love,
Grace