I’ve received quite a few requests from folks who really wanted to listen to the Replay of Monday’s webinar about “Control” when it comes to compulsion (specifically with eating).
Click here to watch the webinar slide show to understand moving out of trying to control yourself or your feelings, and investigate them instead. A whole new world. The Q & A at the end I found wonderful, too, including wanting to control kids’ eating, and what to do if you feel you really can’t stop. Enjoy, and write to me and let me know what’s helpful that you learn.
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Speaking of CONTROL.
Control is a topic of interest to everyone…..whether you grapple with it, or not.
Not just for people who’ve experienced wild out-of-control episodes of consuming, drinking, or doing some kind of intense behavior like trying to have sex with as many people as possible or eating everything in your kitchen from one end to the other.
The energy of “bingeing” is not limited to eating, that’s for sure.
But eating seems like one of the most socially acceptable, pervasive, constantly available compulsive behaviors around.
Even kids do it (unlike a lot of the other addictive behaviors), especially kids challenged with tough emotional experiences, anxiety, or confusion.
When we talk about “control” there’s ONE area probably 99.9 % of us have felt Out-Of-Control in.
Thinking.
And yet, we try so hard to control it.
We have beliefs like “I need to fix my thinking” or “I’m being to negative” or “I’ve got to stop obsessing about x, y or z”.
Over a decade ago, I went on my first “silent” retreat.
I put the word “silent” in quotations because….
….even though the room was quiet with 200+ people sitting with their eyes closed, even though there was no talking while standing in line for meals, or eating meals, even though there was no gesturing or writing notes or looking into other peoples’ eyes, and there was literally nothing to “do” except be in one of three places all day (meditation hall, dining hall, sleeping room)….
….it seemed like it was the loudest retreat I had ever been on in my life.
INSIDE MY HEAD!!
And I mean, it was a scream of immense suffering that I almost didn’t know where it came from or what it was all about.
Something seemed horrified at my thinking, and how out of controlit actually was, and how mean and bitter and negative and alarmed.
I had been trying to fix my thinking for years, and here it was right in my face.
I couldn’t sleep most nights during that retreat, my brain was talking so loudly.
The second night of trying, I got up with my tiny flashlight so as not to disturb the other women all lined up on cots sleeping in the pitch dark of a mountain retreat with no moon.
I’ll start walking. That’s it. I can’t lie still here anymore. I love the trails here. It will be brilliant to be out at sunrise.
I pulled on my socks and shoes, my sweater and jacket. This was northern California and very chilly up in the mountains. I had put my phone away so I had no idea what time it was (no checking emails, no looking at facebook, no contact with the internet. On purpose).
Very softly and slowly, I made my way out of the full room of sleeping sounds, and into the dimly lit foyer, past a reception sort-of open area and towards the bathroom that lit up suddenly making my eyes squint and blink when I entered.
Then, I saw the clock on the wall.
2:33 AM.
Seriously???!!!
As if to check, and make sure the clock was correct….
….I went all the way down the corridor, past the meditation hall, and out of the building and looked out into the night. Pitch dark.
I can’t even go on a f*&ing WALK!! Hell runneth over!!
That was my Shakespeare drama moment. I was fully and completely believing there was danger lurking and this was a TERRIBLE situation.
Even though I was surrounded by amazing people, listening to the beloved and wise author and spiritual teacher Adyashanti twice a day, I could ask a formal question if I wanted to, and basically there was NOTHING I “had” to do.
Food was prepared for me, the gong rang to call people to the hall. A fabulous bed was all mine. I was warm, and clothed.
I came here for this? I thought.
This is insanity! I can’t stand it! Get me outta here! My mind is simply too whacked to do this. I give up. I’m never doing this again. Only 5 more days. I’ll just get through it and go home, never to return. Impossible. Ridiculous. I can’t.
I truly felt like I was trapped in a room for a week with a maniac.
But little did I know, it was this voice that had been waiting desperately for the opportunity to talk with me. She/He (a sort of weird non-gendered monster) had been sitting in the corner waiting for me to stop “doing” stuff constantly for years.
In my twenties, I had eaten instead of listen to that horrible maniac. I had smoked and planned my life and worked and tried to control things and probably most especially that voice. I had spent a whole lot of energy focused on making sure I never, ever, ever was stuck in the same room with this maniac mind for more than one minute. I kept moving.
Why didn’t I remember that before I signed up for this retreat?
Well. Good question.
The reason I was there is because I had done lots of self-inquiry, The Work of Byron Katie, for a couple of years at that point.
And something within me had changed.
I was not so frantic, not so unwilling, and not so convinced that I was insane (or going there) and broken. I had gotten the feel of being something other than my mind itself. I didn’t have answers, but I was definitely calmer at the core.
I had seen by then that my thoughts were not necessarily True. It took a bit of inquiry to see this. There was no “convincing” that they were not true, only willingness to sit still and slowly look at the beliefs running through my mind (maybe for many years) that made me feel awful, and frightened, and like running for my life.
Fortunately, it was only the second day of the retreat.
The next day, I raised my hand to speak.
It was either than, or bolt.
Instead of speaking from the voice that tries to get everything in order, present well, be acceptable, and hold the Maniac Voice underwater until it drowns (which it unfortunately never did)….
….I spoke about my inner torture where I just felt like crawling out of my skin, and like the world was a dangerous place, and I was nuts.
The first step of The Work is expressing what you’re actually thinking that hurts. It’s identifying the beliefs of horror, of pain, of wondering why this world (or you) are so messed up, of despair.
Writing these thoughts down helps so much, because slowing down rather than speeding up is one of the most wondrous and weird keys to freedom (I’d let you know if I had discovered a faster way, believe me).
When I went up to the microphone, I called my thinking a cesspool. “It’s a cesspool in here” I said, pointing to my own head.
And here’s what happened that was unexpected, for the voice, and yet….not so unexpected at all, really.
People nodded, smiled, laughed. Adya basically said in his own more eloquent words: Oh, yeah. I get it. Been there. Done that.
You mean?
I’m not extra special crazy? I’m not hopeless?
No.
THINKING your way out of this predicament of being alive, and having to have things go well and favorably, is hopeless.
THINKING your way out of suffering is….not possible, it seems.
Just look around. It’s in the newspapers. Horrible things happen. It’s tragic. It’s absolutely awful. It’s a deep cry of wailing and sobbing and shock and sadness that’s unbearable for the mind.
But what I notice is, I am alive, even though I’ve seen horrible things (and they haven’t been so horrible compared to what some people have experienced, but it doesn’t matter).
So something here IS surviving. Life still is alive. Something is even present here that is NOT noisy. The mind might be shouting for attention, and shouting for you to watch out around every sharp corner (it loves to think everything’s a sharp corner on a mountain pass going 120 miles per hour).
But do you feel what is here, now, hearing the Maniac? I know the listener in us seems awfully quiet. So quiet it’s imperceptible. I sometimes can’t feel or hear the “listener” at all–I’m just like you.
But I know it’s there, because as soon as I stopped trying to run away from all that noise, the most wonderful feeling of relief poured through me.
And I slept all night long in my little sleeping cot at the retreat.
Question the thought: this world is horrible, hell, dangerous and insane.
Is it true?
Who would you be without that thought?
Turn it around: My thoughts are horrible, hell, dangerous and insane. This world is beautiful, heaven, safe and sane.
I notice, I can find many examples.
“….Nothing could be worse than trying to control what can’t be controlled. If you want real control, drop the illusion of control. Let life live you. It does anyway. You’re just telling the story about how it doesn’t, and that’s a story that can never be real. You didn’t make the rain or the sun or the moon. You have no control over your lungs or your heart or your vision or your breath. One minute you’re fine and healthy, the next minute you’re not. When you try to be safe, you live your life being very, very careful, and you may wind up having no life at all.” ~ Byron Katie in 1000 Names For Joy
When I tried to be safe, and careful, and full of warning screams within, I wound up binge eating.
I didn’t have a life. At all.
I just thought I did.
Much love,
Grace
P.S. Again, here’s the replay for the Eating Peace webinar on having your needs met without control when it comes to eating. And if you want to join me for a deeper Eating Peace online mini retreat on Saturday (limited to 10) then click HERE to learn more and sign up.