Not long ago I had a client who said something I’ve heard many times over the years as I’ve worked with people to question their thinking:
“I feel awful. I have a heavy weight of depression, despair, anger, anxiety, unhappiness…… But I have NO IDEA what I’m thinking that would create these terrible feelings.”
This woman went on to say that she had tried The Work but wasn’t sure anything had actually changed for her.
Her mind was so troubled, and she was desperately hoping for a sudden shift, a miraculous change.
I used to think this way when I had extreme eating behavior that didn’t seem to make any sense.
There I would be, living my life…and KABOOM…I would have the thought that eating would be a good idea, even though I wasn’t actually hungry.
Eating would change the channel on my situation, alter the trajectory of feeling. Eating would shake things up or switch the plans for the next couple of hours.
But there was a basic, profoundly unhappy belief that my situation was somewhat dangerous (sometimes it was only a teensy bit alarming, sometimes TERRIBLY worrisome).
This feeling, this moment, this situation is BAD BAD BAD.
It must be stopped. I can’t handle it. I “have to” do something.
When I used to believe this thought, that my current condition was WRONG, BAD, ALARMING, OFF….then guess how I reacted to that belief?
How do you react when you think your condition, your life situation, is BAD? That your feeling is WRONG? That you’re missing something?
How I reacted is I would bring out an army of thoughts AGAINST my condition, my situation.
I’d set to solving the problem I had, my condition, as if someone had a gun to my head saying “figure this out, NOW!”
My mind’s job was to prove that what I was experiencing was indeed horrendous. It would note and summarize all the evidence that my condition was threatening.
I would visit specialists, or read their books. I would be superstitious, I would wish my mind was different than it was, I would have visions and images float through my head of my disruptive childhood or my mean boss….I would think this situation was caused by my parents, my sensitive personality, my speedy mind, my upbringing, my society, genetics, poor nutrition.
When I believed that something was wrong with me, with my situation, with my feeling of despair, then I would feel exhausted with the search for change, with the search to “fix” my predicament.
When I believed something was wrong with me or with my life, or if something scared me…I would eat, eat, eat and it would help temporarily, but then I would hate myself and start the cycle all over.
What a black hole of unhappiness. It felt like death warmed over, as my grandma would say.
Blech.
So who did I become, without the belief that my situation and condition was so horrendously bad?
Because that’s what happened.
I began to question my belief that the dark blob feeling was an enemy.
Who would you be without the thought that your troubling feelings are impossible, that you need a miracle and immediate shift?
Who would you be without the thought that your condition is dire, wrong, alarming, off, BAD?
Without that belief hanging over my head, I began to make friends with my feeling of darkness, depression, death, resistance.
Who would I be without the thought that I am against this kind of feeling? Who would I be without the thought that I must be afraid of this feeling?
“If you think it’s hell and you’re taking the cap off it….let it fly, be a volcano. It couldn’t be worse than what you’ve been living — and if it is, let’s test it.” ~ Byron Katie
Without the belief that having a feeling of fear, or anger, or rage, or despair is something to be avoided at all costs….
….I welcomed the feelings.
I allowed them to be here, generating themselves inside me, however that happened.
I stopped trying to figure out how to get rid of them.
I started seeing what I was thinking, slowing it down, so I could examine the stream of ideas running through my mind.
” ‘I don’t have a belief’ is the first belief.” ~ Byron Katie
The turnaround: this feeling is good, it should stay, I need to keep feeling this way, this is not so horrible, this has a message for me, this is important, my situation is right, helpful, accurate, good, ON.
Do you really want to snap your fingers and feel lollipops and roses? Are you SURE you don’t ever want to crave something, or feel stress, or discouragement?
“The mark of a moderate man is freedom from his own ideas. Tolerant like the sky, all-pervading like sunlight, firm like a mountain, supple like a tree in the wind, he has no destination in view and makes use of anything life happens to bring his way.” ~ Tao Te Ching #59
Love, Grace
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