Tag: resistance

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Feel bad, in a fog, and not sure why? Burn through, like this.

Do you ever have the thought that you’re not even sure what you’re upset about, or worried about, or anxious about, or sad about….

….you just know you feel troubled, bad, uncomfortable?

How do you do The Work if you can’t really come up with a belief to write down or investigate?

I have two ideas you might find super helpful today, if you’ve had this experience. One involves a little data collection, one just takes you into inquiry right now.

The thing about the data collection option, is people (OK, this would be me) might say UGGGGH. I can’t wait a second longer! I hate looking, wondering, collecting. Plus the word “data” reminds me of white coats and cold surfaces.

So I’ll give you the Go-Directly-To-Inquiry suggestion first.

Sit still for a few minutes. Maybe only one. Get a pen and paper or your computer and write “I have no reason to feel bad” or “I need to know what my thoughts are right now” or “This is too hard” or “Something disturbing is happening.”

Those are the kinds of thoughts I had when I felt foggy, confused, and not able to see what specifically bothered me about being alive in that particular moment.

You can actually then take your thought through the four questions.

If you’re inspired and you don’t believe you have to know anything more than you do, you might even be able to write a Judge Your Neighbor worksheet, even if it feels repetitive and not super deep or like a pile of troubled thoughts just hanging out in the atmosphere, weighing you down.

It’s still a place to start, and maybe more powerful than you realize. You’ll probably discover a thing or two in the inquiry process.

The second suggestion….the “data” one (just pretend the word is a nice, calm, soft word for a moment)….goes like this:

Get a little baby notebook, the kind that’s pocket sized and thin. Or a notepad. Or one piece of paper, that can fold and stuff into your pocket. Carry it around with you all day long and when you feel a surge of emotion, or notice something you don’t like, write down what you’re thinking, even if it doesn’t make logical sense.

Notice especially what you Do Not Like. If you don’t like a picture or image that crosses your mind, write it down. If you don’t like someone’s appearance, or their shirt color, or the street, or the dirty dishes in the sink, write it down.

I don’t like the weather. I don’t like my hair. I don’t like the pain in my back. I don’t like her shoes. I don’t like my dirty car. I don’t like the way I told my dad’s death story to the listening group–I went on too long. I don’t like her sarcastic text last summer. I don’t like moving away from Kansas.

It’s a running tally.

And by the way, my family moved away from Kansas in 1969, so what pops into your head that you don’t like might be really, really old.

Pop.

It’ll just be there.

No need to explain anything, this is a list for YOU alone.

No pressure to start inquiring immediately, just an exercise in noticing.

You might be very, very surprised at what comes to the surface, if you’re being a neutral researcher, collecting a bit of data about this working mind.

And voila.

Stressful stories tend to appear, the more relaxed you become about allowing them to be seen.

When I had a really rough relationship underway (apparently) I did this data collection with the man I was supposedly dating at the time. My “thought catcher” notebook was green, and in my purse or bag at all times. If I had a thought that had anything at all to do with the man in question, I’d write it down. I’d see the picture, and note the scene.

“Moment he said ‘x’ at the horse race” or “Words he muttered about his neighbors when we were sitting in his back yard” or “the way he put his arm around me possessively during dinner at Brad’s house”.

Here’s one of the best things I noticed about this data collection notebook.

As I kept it over many weeks (months) I would review what I had written before. Some moments or situations I did The Work on, but some went flitting by, and I actually forgot about them, even though they were pretty stressful….and even though I wrote them down.

I would read, and think….WOW. That’s right! He said ‘x’ and I ignored it. He did ‘y’ after I asked him something and I didn’t ask him to elaborate at all. He asked me ‘z’ and I laughed, instead of being honest about my fear of the question.

My own desire to go unconscious and NOT think about my stressful thoughts was evident, right in the notebook.

I kept doing The Work….kept returning to the issues without being so judgmental towards myself that I’m repeating the same thing over and over.

Everything became clearer, and clearer, and clearer, until the relationship became easy, not hard. I said “no” honestly, and “yes” honestly, and it naturally unfolded the way it needed to.

The thing about tracking and continuing to look, even if you don’t always want to….

….is insight and awareness begins to blossom and flower.

I had a lot of practice in trying to cut my thoughts down as if they were weeds, or leave the yard entirely, or hate the field because it was just so scary how fast it grew.

So it took some alternate kind of energy, a non-violent sort of open, kind approach to this mind, that whatever it was doing was the best it could, and worth taking a look at.

The more I could consider taking a look at the voices or pictures in this head as it moved through the day, the easier it became. Logging, noticing, writing it down without so much judgment, without such quick judgment of the content.

If you find it difficult to do this….you are not alone.

I STILL have the thought sometimes that sounds like…..”do I HAVE TO look at this? Seriously? Can’t we just party, instead?” Meaning, eat, drink, smoke, distract.

Believe me. If that worked, I’d probably be doing it. I’d still be thinking that identifying my thoughts and questioning them was the hardest way, and eating or blacking out was the easy way.

It’s the opposite.

If you need help along the way, to keep going, then you might be seriously considering Year of Inquiry starting September 5th. I’m getting a ton of questions about it. Registration will officially close August 31st. Everyone enrolling will make a solo appointment with me right away that fits with your schedule. You’ll have two months to decide (until November 1st, 2017) if it’s right for you and if it isn’t, for any reason, you can withdraw. Full payment, and also payment plans for 12 months, are available.

All I can say is, I myself wouldn’t have done The Work without regular, committed, connected time with others in a group or at least one person to partner with regularly, without stopping, keeping steady at it just like any Olympic athlete might be training.

I know there is no competition really, this isn’t a contest or an attempt to “win”. But in this world of humanity, if you aren’t training and coaching and doing your daily practice with the fun of the huge upcoming Olympics in mind, there will definitely be no participation in the field at all.

Left to my own devices, all I was doing was floundering through a murky forest of thought and beliefs that were incredibly stressful.

Connecting with others brought such insight, sharing, lowering of fear, intimacy and awareness, I am forever grateful for each and every person willing to do The Work with me along the way.

I definitely couldn’t have done it without you.

And I’m grateful also for every person who has ever bugged me, because I couldn’t find this power of love and truth without them, either.

If you’re wanting to commit to steady ongoing practice with other beautiful inquirers, Year of Inquiry might be the perfect way. You can read about Year of Inquiry HERE and scroll down for logistical details like the schedule, fees, and the monthly topics. People in Institute for The Work receive credit worth one full School for The Work plus 80 credits of one-to-one partnering.

“These four questions will join any program you’ve got and enhance it. Any religion you have — they’ll enhance it. If you have no religion, they will bring you joy. And they’ll burn up anything that isn’t true for you. They’ll burn through to the reality that has always been waiting.” ~ Byron Katie

Much love,

Grace

P.S. Let me know how your data collection goes, or if you have questions. You can do this.

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It shouldn’t have happened. Seriously. I was soooo overheated.

As always, being at Breitenbush annually in the height of the bright summer days is not only the sweetest fresh air, gorgeous giant pines, flowers, babbling river, cozy cabins, and a true complete break from regular daily life….

….but also a time of such joy and gratitude as I sit with people who have never done The Work, along with quite a few who have, and hear the insights pop throughout the room.

The more time in the work, as we spend our hours together, the deeper the insights seem to move.

It occurred to me once again, that one profoundly painful ghostly underlying belief appears in almost everyone’s Judge Your Neighbor worksheet, including my own…even if we haven’t written it down.

This one belief appears in every objection we’ve ever had. Whether we almost died in a car accident, a true love left us, or someone was rude.

It shouldn’t have happened that way.

When anyone writes a JYN, we’re remembering a painful moment in the past, or imagining being in a painful moment in the future.

I’m hurting. I’m scared. I’m sad. I’m worried about the way it went, and worried it will happen again.

Actions, ideas, ways to solve the problem spring out of this deeply painful thought that I believe it shouldn’t have happened….

….whether the thought is about death, sickness or shock….

….or the annoying long-term partner who won’t stop that irritating behavior….

….it simply would be better if it hadn’t happened.

Let’s do The Work together today: Find an incident you believe shouldn’t have happened. Just one. That’s the simplicity of The Work. You don’t have to question everything you’ve ever thought shouldn’t have happened.

Just that first one that came to mind just now.

Picture that person, being like that. Or that event you’d rather not think about too often.

I picture immediately someone I knew. The way she swore really scared me. She seemed so mean, I wanted to hide under the bed because of her critical and bossy manner.

So is it true it shouldn’t have happened? Is it true she shouldn’t have acted like that, used those words, been so cruel and angry?

Yes!

It was so frightening! I can’t handle it! (Wave arms around, tell the whole story, express how awful it was–at least this was my first answer to the question “is it true?”)

Now, I’m not suggesting it’s not incredibly powerful to share what you experienced, in order to understand it or receive help and support in exploring what happened. Many people have benefitted profoundly through a therapeutic meeting one-to-one where one important facet of the meeting is to tell the story of what happened clearly, openly.

It can be especially meaningful if the person telling the story has never shared it before. Secrets don’t fester and grow when they are shared. Secrets can be revealed, and come out of the darkness when they are spoken.

But to take it to the next step….to look with open eyes, with questions, finding your own answers….this is The Work.

So is it absolutely, 100% true for all time, with no shadow of a doubt that the person in question, the incident that went down, shouldn’t have happened?

Hmmm.

I can’t know it for sure. Not in the situation I’m remembering. And do I actually have all the data? Could that even be possible? Do I know what the final outcome will be, or what it created or offered me that it went that way? Could I know that I wouldn’t mess up some weird piece of the puzzle if I took out that incident or that person entirely from my life? And can I simply notice, it was painful, and now it’s over?

I can’t know it shouldn’t have happened. It doesn’t mean I have to like that it did.

How do I react when I believe something shouldn’t have happened?

I crunch up inside against the memory. I try to think about other things. I say positive affirmations. I chant and work on myself to “get over” that person. I get super grumpy. I say “screw them!” even though I haven’t seen them in ten years (LOL). I blame that person for ruining my life, or trying to.

Sunday, on my way home from Breitenbush, it was 98 degrees Fahrenheit outside. Very unusually hot. I have no air conditioner in my car, and it never occurs to me to need it because I live in a cool climate (once a year, it wafts through my mind and then I forget about it all over again).

I was melting.

I drove by a large car sales lot about four hours from my home, and the thought entered my mind I could get off the freeway and buy a car with air conditioning RIGHT NOW. My mind was so speedy quick, I already had pictures of that plan not working because I would need to leave my car there, unload all the luggage, including boxes of retreat-facilitating materials, and put everything in my new car, and then I’d have to come back and get the old one and drive four whole hours AGAIN just to retrieve it. A whole future image, all thought up, in about 2 seconds. Bam.

Mind dishing up solutions to the problem, speedy quick. Brilliant, busy mind. When it thinks something is true, it will really try to go for EVERY possible solution.

Trouble is, it hurts if a) none of the solutions really solve the problem and b) you can only be happy if the problem is solved.

Even if a solution CAN solve the problem, you aren’t happy until you execute the solution. Which leaves “unhappy” time as required while you wait.

But who would you be without the thought “this shouldn’t be happening” or “it shouldn’t ever have happened”?

Who would you be without the belief she shouldn’t have been that way? He shouldn’t have said that? It shouldn’t have occurred? It shouldn’t be this freakin’ hot?

Sometimes, where there’s a particularly painful event, or personality you’ve had to deal with….

….you just stare at it blankly for a minute, when you consider that fourth question.

Let yourself take it slowly.

What would it be like, without that thought?

I notice first, I’m coming back into this present moment. I’m here now, listening to trucks and men’s happy shouting voices outside since a neighbor is building a new house. Noticing the overcast sky, and the cool breeze of today. Not overheated in the body.

Noticing the mind was OK all along, whether the car was a baking sauna yesterday, or not.

Without the belief it shouldn’t have happened, I feel more relaxed somehow. Not so tight and restricted and focused on solving that problem. Not obsessed with What Was.

Without the belief, I don’t feel condemning, of either that other person or of myself. I’m more in a Don’t Know place. Feeling the quiet of this moment, here, now.

Without the belief “it shouldn’t have happened” I notice the sadness of things like that happening sometimes in this world without the heaviness, with compassion for us all.

Turning this underlying belief around: it should have happened. 

This is not about finding examples of how it should have happened because you deserved it, or someone else did, with all the pain and agony that involves. This is about seeing how it should have happened, because it did.

And did anything at all come of it, that you found helpful….even the tiniest thing?

That hot melting physically uncomfortable ride should have happened, because it made me think again about finding an electric air-conditioned car, that suits my support of lowering the environmental impact of my driving. It made me take it so seriously, I believe I may be researching this soon.

That person should have acted that way, because it showed me how not to act. It showed me who to move away from and how to say “no” in a clear way. It showed me what I’ve been afraid of, that may not be so scary after all (she’s just a human being, with a lot of fearful thoughts actually). It showed me where I assumed I was unworthy, and invited me to question this form of suffering instead of believing it.

That should have happened, because I am a human being living in the same conditions of temporary life on planet earth as any other human being. It should have happened because it affected my life so deeply, it’s a part of my spiritual path and growth to make peace with it. Otherwise, I’d probably be watching TV.

How amazing to discover reasons that are honest, genuine reasons I actually believe for why it should have happened.

Can you find them, for your situation?

“Any time you argue with what was, what is, or what will be, you limit your ability to experience the vastness of who you are. There’s no way around it. It doesn’t matter what happened, or how cruel someone was, or how unfair something was. It may have been all of those things, and the pain may be very deep and real, but when we have a mental resistance, when we say something should or should not have happened, we’re arguing with what did happen or what is happening. When we argue with life, we lose every single time–and suffering wins.” ~ Adyashanti from Falling Into Grace

I see the present moment as sometimes including my thoughts about a past moment I objected to. If I say “yes” to that moment, including the thoughts of the past….it’s called The Work.

Loving what is….including my belief “it shouldn’t have happened”.

What a sweet belief, that resisted What Is, that the mind thought would help me survive, and not feel pain.

Turning the thought around again: My thinking shouldn’t have happened…instead of the event, person, condition, or incident.

Yes, that thinking was very fretful, full of boiling anxiety, resentment, rage, despair. So focused on how “it” shouldn’t have happened.

The thing, person, event, incident, situation actually ended, or moved forward, or morphed and changed, or grew into something different. It’s over. My thinking is the thing that continued and ruminated or obsessed or re-considered it over and over again.

And, I love how my thinking also moves me into noticing how the way I see it is not true, how it can answer the simple questions, how it can ponder and relax….and end the repetitive suffering.

I love how my thinking can journey into new answers, new possibilities, variety, gathering ideas, joy in the midst of sorrow, humor.

All as a result of the little question “can you absolutely know it’s true that it shouldn’t have happened?”

Turns out, it happened, but I don’t have to suffer over it.

This is true for cars without air conditioning in very hot weather, or your dear friend getting cancer, or parents being abusive, or your partner leaving you, or the kitchen drawer getting stuck every time you try to open it.

Who are you right now, without your story?

Accepting what is. Broken drawer, partner not in the room, mean parents, very ill friend, hot.

Noticing what happens next, with complete acceptance of what is.

Much love,

Grace

P.S. Two events happening soon, that support your inquiry:

1) Being With Byron Katie Joining in live event happening in Switzerland via streaming video all the way to Seattle. Four bedrooms for those who want to sleep overnight. We’ll participate right alongside the folks who are in Switzerland with Katie.

2) Sliding Scale pay what you can. Summer Camp For The Mind begins July 5 – August 18.

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Eating Peace: Feelings, Frenemies.

Since the Eating Peace Process program is underway and we’re looking deeply at feelings, being with them, not being afraid of them even if they’re uncomfortable….

….this week is about all those feelings we’d like to avoid….again.

The most important message, even though I’ve spoken of not resisting feelings before?

It’s sooooo much easier to welcome the feelings, whether they’re crazy, smelly, ugly, horrible.

And by the way, just because you feel bad or frightened or awful emotionally, doesn’t mean you need to eat.

We just so love to DO something when it comes to troubling emotions and experiences.

And on top of the difficult conversations, or experiences we felt threatened by, we also criticize ourselves for not feeling better fast enough.

“I shouldn’t feel scared! I should feel grateful! I should calm down! I shouldn’t turn to food!”

We have this dictator yelling at us about how we should be.

Instead, welcoming in all feelings like they are gifts.

OK, you can call them Frenemies if you want….

….but in the end, they are the best supporters I ever had to becoming more whole, free, wise and of service instead of wanting only to stick my head in the sand (or the refrigerator).

Much love,

Grace

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Stay until you lose your fear

fearmonster
Is what you see really true?

I am stunned by all the responses and comments I’ve been getting to my question….”what are your barriers or sticky points when it comes to The Work?”

If you didn’t get to chime in, you can do it here. It’s one question, that’s it. Be as wordy or as brief as you like.

I’m so glad I’m asking people this question.

Once again, I feel very Not Alone when it comes to the intensity, the power, the fear or the resistance that can be generated in the mind.

You have been sharing quite deeply and honestly.

And the thing is, we all don’t realize we’re thinking a lot of the same things.

It’s like we’ve got this incredible “unit” (the brain) and it works quickly, it’s fantastic at identifying what might threaten us, and it’s running our lives!

Not always in a good way. You know what I’m talking about.

Stress. Worry. Sadness. Disappointment. Suffering.

But reading peoples’ answers about why they bump up against a brick wall when doing The Work, or why they stay kind of fogged out and unclear around how to handle their issues….

….I was struck by something I remembered Byron Katie doing in the recent Being With Byron Katie retreat.

She also speaks about it in Loving What Is.

It is that fear is extremely powerful.

(But not as powerful as love, I notice).

Fear is believing your stressful thoughts. Fear is believing you have cause to worry. It’s believing something terrible happened, and will happen again.

My daughter returns after being with her father for a week.

I’ve bought her a gift that arrived while she was gone. I say “I ordered you a shirt, I think you’ll love it!”

This is rare. I don’t notice or acquire many things, or gifts that are items. I like giving experiences and theater tickets and dates out and trips to special places.

She says “that’s funny, I ordered a shirt for myself, and it looks like the same kind of package.”

Sure enough, while she was away, she bought the exact same t-shirt.

She said with a critical voice “Don’t you remember, I used your credit card to buy it in the first place, and gave you cash? You don’t pay attention to anything.”

She sees me trying it on, now that it looks like I could wear it myself, and adds “and do NOT wear that shirt EVER at the same time as I’m wearing mine!”

I feel the sting of hurt, as I stand there in the kitchen with the t-shirt pulled over my summer tank top. I take it off quickly.

My mind says “she’s so mean” and “she’s so critical” and “she hates me” and “we haven’t seen each other in a week and she has to….” I have a reaction of sadness, then a defense that wants to push out at her.

It’s like an energy that wants to crunch down tightly around this moment, this situation, kind of like a contraction when I was giving birth to this same daughter. All the muscles tighten, the sense of air between us tightens, I want to go to my room.

It’s fear.

Mind says grand statements chattering away like “never!” or “always!” and “depressing!” about the way she acts, or how it is between us.

Is any of that absolutely true?

No.

Who would I be without these thoughts? Who would I be without the feeling of separation between ME and HER? Without me thinking she shouldn’t mind if I wear the same t-shirt as her?!

I don’t even want to wear that t-shirt, to be honest.

What if I could turn everything around I’m objecting to? Allowing it to feel like rain pattering in the room.

Lovely. Sound. Daughter. Shirt. Gift. Not.

She should say these things to me. I shouldn’t say all the things I say to her. I shouldn’t say all the things I say to myself.

Yes, like I shouldn’t use the moment to feel disappointment, or proof I’ve done parenting wrong, or to suddenly have a mood change from open and eager to closed and hurt.

I shouldn’t be following all my thoughts and jumping to wild conclusions like this means HATE and this means CRITICISM. I notice I’m lucky she’s honest, direct, blunt and clear. She’s very loving, too. She helps me slow everything down to simplicity.

Major discussions are not necessary. We don’t need to hash out things for hours.

She also moves on very quickly, not holding resentment. We talk later, like the t-shirt incident never happened.

I notice after The Work, I adore her. Even though she went to bed hours ago and she’s not in the room with me and nowhere in sight, except in my thoughts.

And I then think the thought that changes it all, in an instant.

Examples for why I shouldn’t speak meanly to myself, I shouldn’t talk to me with criticism. I shouldn’t say I’ve been a bad parent.

I’m an awesome parent. I’m doing the best I can. I’m being lived. I’m not doing this. I’m not guilty.

No fear.

A sense of trust.

Yes, also a mind saying “but what about tomorrow when this might happen again” but I don’t automatically think it’s true.

Katie answers a question from someone in the Q & A section at the end of Loving What Is: What if my suffering is too intense?

She responds: “In this state, it’s very difficult to do The Work for the love of truth because you’re invested in your story. Your story is your identity, and you’d do almost anything to prove that it’s true.”

That’s the power of fear.

I must prove my story (daughter hates me, is mean to me, rejects me) and this story is a bad, sad story. I cannot love what is. Impossible. Reality got this wrong.

Here again, I notice love is more powerful. If love is truth, clarity, willingness to stop and sit with this, willingness to give up my story.

I wrote an ebook looking at some very useful ingredients that helped me slow down and stay with this profound inquiry process known as The Work. Pillars to hold it steady, really.

The Work for me is not just a bunch of questions….it’s a way to open to a new, more expansive, mysterious world. A brilliant one.

I’d love for you to have the eguide: Four Pillars To Deepen The Work and Bring It Home To Yourself.

One of the pillars is STAY. I share what this means for me.
Download the eguide here.

Let me know what you think, and share it freely with anyone if you like. I hope you’ll use it, if you’ve noticed your own blocks, barriers, walls or resistance to doing The Work, like you’re not finding answers bringing greater love.

“Stay until you lose your fear….Ego can’t stand up to ‘Is It True?’ in the silence.” ~ Byron Katie 

Much love,

Grace

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How To Stop Resisting and Persisting

What you resist, persists.

I know you’ve heard that phrase before.

What about when a friend says it to you, right after you’ve just spilled your guts (for the 100th time about the same thing)?

I know, I know! What I resist, persists! I’m TRYING to stop resisting here, but it’s HAAAAAARD!

(Picture someone wiggling around wearing a straightjacket, their face turning red).

Yesterday in the Year of Inquiry group, we investigated the belief “this situation (or person, place, maybe you) requires fixing”.

Sometimes, we have the same kinds of thoughts, over and over again. We’d like to change, but don’t know how.

Gosh, it really needs fixing. It needs to become different. ASAP.

Here are some really, really common resistant moments and experiences that people have written to me about, or worked with me in addressing.

I’ve gone through every single one.

  • Eating too much, especially at night when alone
  • Bouncing checks or not having enough money
  • Complaining about your career
  • Telling yourself you should be exercising more
  • Thinking about your ex-partner
  • Criticizing your current partner
  • Worrying about your kid(s)

These thoughts come along about your work, your life, your spouse, your activities, your money, your spiritual life, your success.

Then you say “I’M AGAINST THIS! DOWN WITH THIS SITUATION!”

If you go down the Resistance Path….which assumes you need to fix it….

…..here’s what I find always happens: You attack the thing or situation outside of yourself, you attack YOU for being involved in the first place, you feel lousy, you hate it, you make a plan to change, it doesn’t, you attack the situation or thing outside yourself, you attack yourself….

….you get the picture. Merry-go-round.

No Freedom. No peace.

In war, resistance is considered the opposing force. In psychiatry, resistance is never wanting to bring something dark and secretive or unconscious into consciousness. In biological science, resistant diseases can’t be attacked or broken apart.

It’s tight, tense, scheming, full of plans.

Let’s do The Work and inquire.

Pick just one of those places in your life that you notice bugs you, more than once, and probably a whole lot.

I’m completely against this situation. This relationship. This person. This job.

Is it true, that you’re against it?

YES! Duh! Who wouldn’t be? I can show you my proof and tell you my difficult story.

Can you be absolutely sure that you’re against this, the whole shebang? Are you positive that there is NOTHING to like, nothing serving you, nothing helpful, in this activity, this person, this job, or this dynamic?

When I used to binge-eat many years ago, at the beginning of my healing journey if you had asked me if there was anything helpful about having an eating disorder, I would have said “No! What are you, nuts?!”

But can you be absolutely 100% positive that everything about this repetitive situation….your complaints about that person, dreaming about your past, obsessing about your future, repeating the same thing many times (like addiction)….can you be sure you hate it? That you’re entirely against it?

No.

This is really important to notice.

When I ate, I’d get distracted, I’d feel comfort, I’d switch channels, I’d calm down, I’d tune out.

So I wasn’t completely and totally against binge-eating. I could have barely admitted it. But that was truer.

How do you react when you believe you are against something!? When you believe that the way to peace is to fight, defend, bolster yourself up, justify yourself, build an army, make a plan? When you believe this situation requires fixing, it is broken?

I react with great aggression towards myself, or towards others. Even if its all on the inside. It’s like a storm, internally.

When I hold resistance to anything or anyone, or any moment, any feeling, any circumstance….

….I feel terrible, sad, urgent. I call myself an idiot. I notice how stuck I am.

I lash out at other people. Or clam up. Give up.

“Self-hate encourages you to judge, then it beats you for judging. You judge someone else and it’s simply self-hate projected outward, then you get to use it back on yourself when you beat yourself for judging! We call this ‘Heads you lose, tails you lose.'” ~ Cheri Huber

So who would you be without the thought that you MUST resist this thing? Without the belief that you are against this situation, or yourself, or that person?

Who would you be if you were a tree, that simply stands there, rooted very deeply into the ground, bending with the wind?

Who would you be without the belief that you have to do something about this pesky situation? You have to fight, destroy, change or end it?

No war. No resistance.

It’s pretty counter-intuitive in many ways. The mind wants to make a goal, get a plan together. Form a posse.

It will tell you “I must quit smoking” or “I absolutely have to stop overeating” or “this job sucks”.

We already know how you react when you believe you have to resist something in order to make it end.

You lose.

So what is the opposite, to your thoughts of resistance?

I want this to keep going, this situation is working somehow in some weird way, I am not against this, there are advantages to this situation occurring in my life….

…I LOVE THIS!

Well, OK, maybe you can’t quite say you love it…but can you not hate it?

I’m in favor of this situation. I’m FOR it.

How could that be true?

For me all those binge-eating episodes and anxiety-ridden experiences showed me where I was confused, missing something, lost. They inspired the most incredible lifetime journey, still unfolding, of brightening reality.

A profound journey unlike anything I could ever imagine was going to happen.

Find out why you might be in favor of that thing you thought you were against.

Notice what it feels like, in your body, to not resist it.

You may not know what you need to do next….but in this exact moment, doesn’t that feel better to lay down your arms?

That’s the beginning. Let it be the way it is.

You got this.

“A lover of what is looks forward to everything: life, death, disease, loss, earthquakes, bombs, anything the mind might be tempted to call ‘bad’. Life will bring us everything we need, to show us what we haven’t undone yet. Nothing outside ourselves can make us suffer. Except for our unquestioned thoughts, every place is paradise.” ~ Byron Katie

Much love, Grace

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Freedom From Your Own Ideas About Feeling Bad

Not long ago I had a client who said something I’ve heard many times over the years as I’ve worked with people to question their thinking:

“I feel awful. I have a heavy weight of depression, despair, anger, anxiety, unhappiness…… But I have NO IDEA what I’m thinking that would create these terrible feelings.”

This woman went on to say that she had tried The Work but wasn’t sure anything had actually changed for her.

Her mind was so troubled, and she was desperately hoping for a sudden shift, a miraculous change.

I used to think this way when I had extreme eating behavior that didn’t seem to make any sense.

There I would be, living my life…and KABOOM…I would have the thought that eating would be a good idea, even though I wasn’t actually hungry.

Eating would change the channel on my situation, alter the trajectory of feeling. Eating would shake things up or switch the plans for the next couple of hours.

But there was a basic, profoundly unhappy belief that my situation was somewhat dangerous (sometimes it was only a teensy bit alarming, sometimes TERRIBLY worrisome).

This feeling, this moment, this situation is BAD BAD BAD.

It must be stopped. I can’t handle it. I “have to” do something.

When I used to believe this thought, that my current condition was WRONG, BAD, ALARMING, OFF….then guess how I reacted to that belief?

How do you react when you think your condition, your life situation, is BAD? That your feeling is WRONG? That you’re missing something?

How I reacted is I would bring out an army of thoughts AGAINST my condition, my situation.

I’d set to solving the problem I had, my condition, as if someone had a gun to my head saying “figure this out, NOW!”

My mind’s job was to prove that what I was experiencing was indeed horrendous. It would note and summarize all the evidence that my condition was threatening.

I would visit specialists, or read their books. I would be superstitious, I would wish my mind was different than it was, I would have visions and images float through my head of my disruptive childhood or my mean boss….I would think this situation was caused by my parents, my sensitive personality, my speedy mind, my upbringing, my society, genetics, poor nutrition.

When I believed that something was wrong with me, with my situation, with my feeling of despair, then I would feel exhausted with the search for change, with the search to “fix” my predicament.

When I believed something was wrong with me or with my life, or if something scared me…I would eat, eat, eat and it would help temporarily, but then I would hate myself and start the cycle all over.

What a black hole of unhappiness. It felt like death warmed over, as my grandma would say.

Blech.

So who did I become, without the belief that my situation and condition was so horrendously bad?

Because that’s what happened.

I began to question my belief that the dark blob feeling was an enemy.

Who would you be without the thought that your troubling feelings are impossible, that you need a miracle and immediate shift?

Who would you be without the thought that your condition is dire, wrong, alarming, off, BAD?

Without that belief hanging over my head, I began to make friends with my feeling of darkness, depression, death, resistance.

Who would I be without the thought that I am against this kind of feeling? Who would I be without the thought that I must be afraid of this feeling?

“If you think it’s hell and you’re taking the cap off it….let it fly, be a volcano. It couldn’t be worse than what you’ve been living — and if it is, let’s test it.” ~ Byron Katie

Without the belief that having a feeling of fear, or anger, or rage, or despair is something to be avoided at all costs….

….I welcomed the feelings.

I allowed them to be here, generating themselves inside me, however that happened.

I stopped trying to figure out how to get rid of them.

I started seeing what I was thinking, slowing it down, so I could examine the stream of ideas running through my mind.

” ‘I don’t have a belief’ is the first belief.” ~ Byron Katie

The turnaround: this feeling is good, it should stay, I need to keep feeling this way, this is not so horrible, this has a message for me, this is important, my situation is right, helpful, accurate, good, ON. 

Do you really want to snap your fingers and feel lollipops and roses? Are you SURE you don’t ever want to crave something, or feel stress, or discouragement?

“The mark of a moderate man is freedom from his own ideas. Tolerant like the sky, all-pervading like sunlight, firm like a mountain, supple like a tree in the wind, he has no destination in view and makes use of anything life happens to bring his way.” ~ Tao Te Ching #59

Love, Grace

Leave a comment below! I love hearing from you!

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Give Evil Nothing To Oppose

Resistance is Futile!

One of the most fun and well-used quotes from Star Trek.

And an idea that enters my experience of life over and over: when I resist something that is happening, it hurts, uses a lot of energy, and often turns out to be futile.

But what is meant by resistance, exactly, in this context? Especially when we mean that having it will amount to nothing, offer nothing, that having it won’t matter one way or the other….we’ll still wind up in the same place.

I have a picture in my mind of a tiny ant shaking its fist at a huge elephant coming its way. The ant is digging in its heals, furious, enraged, building a barricade, setting up forces so that it is not stepped on. The enormity of the elephant being itself, walking along with the ant directly in its path, is simply too much.

The tricky part about this thing called “resistance” is that often, we don’t study it, we’re just in it, like swimming inside resistance-soup. Busy building the barricade instead of getting out of the way.

What part is actually futile and where is the sensation to be resistant coming from? Is there anger or fear present? Do I have an internal “no” that wants to be spoken? What’s going on in this moment of wanting to set up a barrier against a situation? What is happening when I feel resistance?

The other day I was reading about physical pain, and then emotional pain.

It occurred to me, for the ten-thousandth time, that fear is a fascinating reaction to life events.

Something happens, then the body quickly has a response with adrenaline shooting through the arms and chest, the stomach flip-flopping, images of what will happen crossing the mind, the heart beating faster.

The body says RUUUUUNNNNN! or FIIIIGHTTTT!

Energy surges through the body. There’s an urge to strike, attack, or escape and hide.

There are famous stories about people foiling their enemies, receiving justice, and being set free.

Picture the scene in the Sound of Music when the whole VonTrapp family is hiking on foot over the mountains, with only the clothing on their back, into a free country, and the refrain “Climb every mountain…”

We all clap for joy! They made it!

In that moment, it appears that resistance was not futile. They ran, they were free.

Back to looking at “resistance” and what we really, really mean.

Because sometimes, in very critical and crucial situations, it is indeed futile….

For me, as I’ve studied this over time, I find that I used to think that NON-resistance was passivity.

Not resisting meant being apathetic, suppressing fear, not showing I cared, not saying no, not speaking up, not taking action.

Resistors were trouble-makers, rogues, defiant people, too outspoken, rebels.

But studying “resistance” more deeply, in my unique situations, I find I have the answer to what is futile even if I take only a tiny half-second to consider and be with it.

You already generally know when its futile and when its not.

When action is appropriate, honorable, has integrity, and is open-minded, you will take action that will move with the greatest ease.

When non-action contains the most integrity and honesty for you, that will be right.

The feeling to look at is feeling AGAINST the whole situation. Screaming “NO!” in your mind. Feeling hate for someone, or extreme disappointment, or deep grief. Believing with intensity that you can’t handle this, or this is such a terrible situation that you must get frantic.

Are you sure it’s 100% terrible?

“The instruction isn’t then to ‘smash ahead and karate-chop that whole thing’; the instruction is to soften, to connect with your heart and engender a basic attitude of generosity and compassion toward yourself…” ~Pema Chodron

Pema Chodron suggests that we can cultivate warriorship AND a gentle heart and clarity.

Climb every mountain, ford every stream, follow every rainbow, ’til you find your dream. 

Set to music, this is joyful. Here comes the elephant…it looks like the best plan is to move. It’s not even a plan…it’s just the way it goes.

Warrior clarity.

Life powerfully expressing itself, non-resistantly, open and courageous. Changing. Free.

“Center your country in the Tao and evil will have no power. Not that it isn’t there, but you’ll be able to step out of its way. Give evil nothing to oppose and it will disappear by itself.” ~Tao Te Ching #60

Love, Grace

Learn About All Teleclasses Here 

  • A Year Of Inquiry For The Addictive Mind: Life Support For The Compulsive Thinker. June 2013 – May 2014, Tuesday tele classes * 2 in-person retreats. Click here to read all about it.
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The Path of Least Resistance Is For Losers

Many of us have heard of the phrase to take or avoid the path of least resistance. I think my father used it when I was quite young, reading it out of a book. He seemed thoughtful about it, and that it was good news.

It sounds easy. It sounds comfortable.

But some people think it’s a dangerous way to live.

H.G. Wells said “the path of least resistance is the path of the loser!”

Henry David Thoreau said “the path of least resistance leads to crooked roads and crooked men.”

GOSH! Those lazy, crooked, lying, LOSERS! I better go for the path with the MOST resistance, to be on the safe side. If it’s too easy, it could be bad news!

The other day I worked with a client on her young adult son who is expressing new defiance towards her in his life.

Often, people will say “if I do The Work, if I question all my beliefs…I’ll just accept and love everything and lie down on the floor like a bump and express nothing, do nothing, offer nothing, resist nothing.”

Truly allowing what is? NEVER! I need to resist, I need to push, I need to force, I need to BAM-POW-WHAM like Batman!

In physics, the path of least resistance is a natural phenomena. It’s the law, actually. Water always takes this path. All objects take the easiest path when they move through a system.

I love the martial arts directive “mind like water”. It’s written on my car steering wheel.

I notice thoughts appear. Thoughts within us rise. Here they are. You can’t stop them. They have energy. You can’t stop “thinking”.

I figure The Work, or the capacity to slow down and be with something and not know precisely and with hell-bent opinion that it’s true, is like the hill, the landscape, the way of it.

Yes, the thinking starts to run in grooves when you repeat them over and over and over again, starting at a very early age perhaps. The grooves, when unquestioned, can become as big as the Grand Canyon.

At the bottom of the Grand Canyon, you might have thoughts like:

  • it will take years to get out of here
  • I made a mistake
  • this sucks
  • this is hopeless, boring, frustrating, agonizing
  • I should have been questioning my thinking before this, then I wouldn’t be HERE
  • I should have resisted more
  • I didn’t resist, and now I’m a loser

Is this actually true? Can you know there is no next step, nothing now, and now, and change, and now?

Can we know that if we don’t resist something or someone, like our defiant son, that he will be lost, ruined, at the bottom of the canyon too?

Can we really know that the path of MOST resistance is the best path, the winner path, the successful path?

The mind loves to warn you about the bad stuff and bad people that could start appearing, have you noticed?

Who would you be without the thought that right now, in this moment, it will take years to get out of here, to change, that you made a mistake, that this sucks and is frustrating, that you should have gotten this earlier, you should have been more resistant, that you shouldn’t be here now?

Free. Excited. Joyful!

I might even do a little dance, I might jump for joy, I might feel like running up a hill! I might notice something new. I might have a wild, creative idea.

I might hug that defiant child of mine and tell him how amazing he is! I might ask him for more of his opinions, to tell me EVERYTHING he’s thinking about me.

Without resistance.

You might scan the landscape of your life with new eyes:

  • it will take less than a second to get out of here, it will certainly not take years
  • I did not make a mistake
  • this is exciting, awesome, fun, fascinating, an interesting predicament
  • I am here at just the right moment, just the right time
  • I should have resisted less
  • I didn’t resist, and now I’m a winner

“Whoever relies on the Tao in governing men doesn’t try to force issues or defeat enemies by force of arms. For every force there is a counterforce. Violence, even well intentioned, always rebounds upon oneself. The Master does his job and then stops. He understands that the universe is forever out of control, and that trying to dominate events goes against the current of the Tao. Because he believes in himself, he doesn’t try to convince others. Because he is content with himself, he doesn’t need others’ approval. Because he accepts himself, the whole world accepts him.”~ Tao Te Ching # 30

Feeling the need to force myself, to resist something, to resist someone else, I notice I am not believing in myself. I am not believing in the other.

I do not lie down, in my acceptance, for that would not really be fun, or easy.

I notice the path of least resistance is relaxing, waiting, sweet, non-violent, open, courageous, willing, peaceful. I notice the path of least resistance is full of love, like a little kid running towards its mom or dad.

I notice the path of least resistance accepts that the universe is out of control….like thinking.

Love, Grace

P.S. Last call, a spot left for Friday’s teleclass Horrible Food Wonderful Food, Noon – 1:30 Pacific time. Click below to register or send email with questions to grace@workwithgrace.com.

My Relationship With Food Changed After Your Class

“Dear Grace, I wanted to tell you that after I took your class for two months, I have never had the same difficult relationship with food again. That is a miracle. It’s been six months now, and I still can hardly believe it. I am simply not worried any more about my food, and this changed everything. I recommend it to anyone I know with eating troubles.”~EK Horrible Food Wonderful Food class participant

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