Tag: feelings

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How to find out what you’re really hungry for–being an investigator for your own freedom

We’ve all heard the question: What are you really hungry for?

I’m not talking about food of any kind.

This is what feels hungry within, perhaps at the deepest soulful level.

For me, eating seemed to handle strong emotions of any kind.

Sad? Let’s eat. Depressed? Let’s eat. Hopeless? Let’s eat. Rage? Let’s eat. Thrilling excitement? Let’s eat.

My eating was war-like because my thinking was war-like and oppositional and fearful, and so were my feelings.

Eating was grounding, a way to push the pause button. You have to slow down to chew and swallow, and enter a world of doing something for apparently “no reason”.

When I was eating, I wasn’t doing something “good” or getting tasks done from my endless to-do list, or saving the world, or writing a book, or even being good.

I was simply focusing and taking in for myself alone, and processing my troubled thoughts in a way (although, not permanently).

So instead of feeling so upset and ashamed at how rotten and selfish I was, and entering the self-criticism mode about me….

….I connected with others so that I could talk, share, express, and say what I was troubled about. And oh boy was I troubled.

I had deeply stressful thoughts about careers, jobs, bosses, work, money, survival, pain, fear of hurt, family, relationships, mother, father, sisters, competition, being left out, feeling muted.

What brought me the greatest freedom, was beginning to look at each of these experiences of suffering in my past.

Eating peace is born from thinking peace.

The most simple, lazer-sharp way to do it that I’ve found is with The Work of Byron Katie.

Find one troubling experience, and begin today. It can feel frightening, but it’s better than pushing it down with food, I can guarantee it.

P.S. Four day Mental Spring Cleaning Retreat. We’ll be clearly identifying what’s felt so painful in our experience, and with the power of The Work of Byron Katie and our slowing down, we’ll discover answers that were waiting inside us the whole time. For more information visit HERE.
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Feelings are not the enemy….or are they?

Feelings!

Sometimes feelings are so chaotic and wild, we feel crazy as they ride through us, along with all our thoughts that caused the feelings in the first place. Feelings seem to cause distress, turmoil, upset and fatigue.

Then, we often want to eat. Whether hungry or not.

(Or smoke, drink, clean, work, gamble, etc).

Escape from the feelings! Change the channel!

But what if you’re treating these wild and moveable sensations in the body like their the enemy, or something you shouldn’t be experiencing?

Long ago, when I was first healing from truly dreadful off-balance eating, I discovered there were a few feelings on my list that I never wanted to feel. Ever.

Anger.

Fear.

Humiliation.

Aloneness or solitude I could handle. Sadness, that was OK. Anxiety was uncomfortable but not the end of the world. Excitement or nervous anticipation was partially fun. Disappointment I thought I could quickly recover from.

But deep anger, resentment, fury, rage–these I judged as horrible. Only mean people have those feelings. Bad people.

Fear was also too uncomfortable. I felt nauseated, couldn’t sleep, short of breath. I’d do anything to get away from fear! (Including eat when not hungry).

Humiliation was the worst of all. Feeling ashamed, or guilty that I did something wrong or someone disapproved of me. Ugh. It was the worst of all. Then I really wanted to hide in my house and eat sweet things, so I felt sweeter about the world. (It never worked for long term).

Something that helped immensely over time, was taking a look at feelings I disliked the most….the ones I considered ENEMIES….

….and judge them, using The Work of Byron Katie.

Is it true you’re a bad person if you experience fear, or anger, or shame?

YES.

Look at those other people over there, acting terrified, or rageful, or deeply self-effacing. Gross. So unpleasant, and unattractive.

Can you absolutely know it’s true it makes someone a BAD person if you experience these human feelings?

No. Reality includes all these feelings. It appears to be a part of the human condition.

How do you react when you believe something’s awful and bad?

I avoid it. I try to get away, stay away, and crush it within. I try not to be angry, fearful, or shameful….ever, ever, ever.

If I DO experience these feelings, I eat.

I don’t ask anyone for help (they’ll think I’m bad, too). I don’t have any other outlets. I try to control what can’t be controlled. Feelings.

It’s a ton of work. I have to stay home a lot, and not be exposed to other people.

But who would I be without this thought? Who would I be without this belief that having these uncomfortable feelings makes me BAD? (Or anyone bad)?

You can look at that other person who’s feeling big feelings you don’t like and see what you’d think of them without the belief they shouldn’t be expressing that feeling.

What would this be like?

Wow.

I’d be feeling these terrible feelings, like riding a roller coaster, and letting them run their course–even hearing their message. Honoring what they have to say. No getting over them.

Allowing the feeling to be here, and allowing me to be a human being feeling it, without judgment.

That feels like freedom.

Turning the thought around: feelings (anger, fear, humiliation) are GOOD to feel. Not bad. It’s only my thoughts about these feelings that are bad, not the feelings themselves.

When I began to live this way with my feelings, even just a little bit, guess what happened to the urge to eat? It relaxed.

It was no longer necessary to stuff in food aggressively with anger. It was no longer necessary to panic with ice cream in bed. It was no longer necessary to shamefully buy something I liked to eat, and eat too much of it in my car.

In the Eating Peace Process, we spend an entire module or segment of the program looking at how to work with feelings.

Especially the ones we resist or hate.

Who would we be without our stories about feelings?

Two live calls per week and many presentations you’ll listen to on your own, this course offers you a structure to thoroughly look at your relationship to food, eating and your body from every angle. To read more about it the Eating Peace Process please visit here.

Much love,

Grace

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Eating Peace: Feelings, Frenemies.

Since the Eating Peace Process program is underway and we’re looking deeply at feelings, being with them, not being afraid of them even if they’re uncomfortable….

….this week is about all those feelings we’d like to avoid….again.

The most important message, even though I’ve spoken of not resisting feelings before?

It’s sooooo much easier to welcome the feelings, whether they’re crazy, smelly, ugly, horrible.

And by the way, just because you feel bad or frightened or awful emotionally, doesn’t mean you need to eat.

We just so love to DO something when it comes to troubling emotions and experiences.

And on top of the difficult conversations, or experiences we felt threatened by, we also criticize ourselves for not feeling better fast enough.

“I shouldn’t feel scared! I should feel grateful! I should calm down! I shouldn’t turn to food!”

We have this dictator yelling at us about how we should be.

Instead, welcoming in all feelings like they are gifts.

OK, you can call them Frenemies if you want….

….but in the end, they are the best supporters I ever had to becoming more whole, free, wise and of service instead of wanting only to stick my head in the sand (or the refrigerator).

Much love,

Grace

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Eating Peace: Feel More, Eat Less. Stop being so mean to your feelings.

Everyone’s noticed how uncomfortable painful feelings can be.

Irritation, anger, rage, despair, sadness, embarrassment, worry, anxiety, terror.

The thing is, if you hate feeling any of these feelings, you may do anything….like I used to do….NOT to feel them.

Such as eat. When not hungry.

Or figure out whatever will alter your mood, change the channel, reboot.

We think of these compulsive activities as the quick, “easy” way. Using a behavior or substance to refocus the mind and get away from that other dreadful feeling.

But what if it’s actually the harder way, in the end?

Instead, I could sit with the feelings and not only express them, but find out what I was thinking that produced them in the first place, and look at it deeply, closely.

If this isn’t about destroying, crushing, suppressing, changing or fixing any feelings….

….but allowing them to be as they are….

….maybe we’d even feel appreciation for the full range of feelings in this life.

And not try to make any of them go away. The good, the bad, the ugly, the beautiful, the heart-breaking, the heart-mending.

Who would you be without your stressful thoughts about your feelings?

For me, I wouldn’t be eating.

 

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Mad, Sad, Scared: Can You Control Your Feelings?

saddollOne of the most intriguing studies in life is human emotional feelings.

Well, for me it’s been an incredible journey. I could tell from the time I was very young that my feelings were so powerful, they actually guided my behavior!

What a concept!

Even if I kept them to myself and didn’t express them very openly, or tell other people what I was feeling.

If I felt fear, for example….from the tiniest level worry, to sheer terror with a racing heart, sensations coursed through my body. I would naturally turn left instead of right, or withdraw, or hide, or plan my revenge, or avoid.

At the same time as realizing how powerful emotions were, my mind began to have a few things to say about “feelings”.

It wasn’t too difficult to pick up the general consensus about feelings…it was the way everyone around me believed. They all appeared to be pretty dang concerned about feelings.

My mom, my dad, my grandparents, the adults next door, the teachers. They all seemed to agree and make comments which said feeling big feelings was not cool. You should turn them off, not let them overtake you or ruin your day. You should tone them down, make them manageable, and be rational.

You need to control your upset feelings.

Rational meant you could talk, breathe, communicate easily, make logical or simple decisions, and not do anything over-the- top or weird. You certainly wouldn’t be blubbering or “losing control” or screaming, crying, throwing things, or even laughing too much or too long.

So the other day, a picture popped in my head of an old friend having a sobbing fit over something I can’t remember. I just recall we were having a heart-to-heart conversation, and he started crying in huge big convulsive waves and he couldn’t really talk anymore.

It was a long time ago. But my immediate thought in the middle of having that memory was “God, that guy was seriously F#$&*@ Up. What a Head Case.”

Oh. Hang on. Pause.

Maybe I could take a look again at sobbing and not be so quick to adopt the world view that it’s annoying? Or how about any huge expressive feeling?

Rage (someone screaming), Fear (someone shaking violently), Wanting (stalker-ish love sick behavior), Grief (wailing).

Instead of hacking these kinds of feelings to bits with judgment and being sure it’s true that expressing them intensely is messed up….how about I look a little deeper, even though I’ve looked at this many times before, and been in therapy and all kinds of modalities that talk about expressing your feelings all the time.

What’s so upsetting about FEELING?

Hmmm.

OK. Feelings show you are believing something stupid, you’re wrong, you’re not in control of yourself, you’re not seeing the full picture, you’re immature, you’re self-centered, you’re good for nothing (until you get your head back on straight), you’re mesmerized, you’re addicted, you’re not calm, you could do something dumb, and people will want to drop you like a hot potato.

Wow. That’s some very harsh judgment! Whew!

The thing is, when you stop here and attack yourself for feeling big feelings, they get wadded up in a condensed ball in the pit of your stomach somewhere.

Just like anything else you attack or dismiss.

Let’s look at it from the outside looking in, from this observation point.

If you feel terrible about your own Big Feeling, see if you can find someone else who’s cuttin’ loose with that feeling. Whether it’s love, hate, fear, sadness, insecurity, grief.

“That person is too emotional.”

Is it true?

Yes, it’s disturbing me.

Really? Are you sure?

No.

How do you react when you believe that person is too “x” (fill in the blank on the feeling you don’t like observing)?

I put up a shield between me and him. I believe he has a problem and is a problem. I get away. I quit speaking to him. I make him my enemy.

Who would I be without that belief that he is being too intense with his feeling of “x”?

I’d watch, quite fascinated. It would be like walking along a quiet river, and then turning the corner and there’s a waterfall. Big, loud, gushing.

I would stay. I would feel very connected with him. Wow, I might even give him a big hug and stay close physically, without receding or disappearing.

I had no idea this is who I would be without the thought!

No critical voice, no calling him names and saying he’s a crybaby or emotional wreck.

In fact, something inside my own body relaxes and expands and sinks down towards the earth. I absorb the waves, I’m not afraid of them. I feel them move through me. It feels good, and safe.

“Fear is your friend. Don’t try to block it, or hide it, or get drugs for it. It’s something created inside you….Welcome every fear, no matter how uncomfortable. Even a doubt. If a doubt arises, turn inward. See how you really feel in your heart, how it resonates. The heart is being. You will not make a mistake. The heart doesn’t want an answer, it just wants silence. If you want a speedy journey to awakening, feel your fear.” ~ Burt Harding

I turn the thought around: No one is too emotional, not this person I am observing, not myself, not anyone full of feelings.

When I do not “decide” or “know” that any feeling is bad, I am free to relax and allow all these movements of thought, feeling, energy in the body to be just as they are. I am not against them. I am not for them either. I am not trying to get rid of them or trying to praise them.

I am just being.

“Anything can appear within this presence including movements of fear, anxiety, anger, frustration, doubt, confusion, and any other so-called “negative emotion,” not to mention the positive thoughts and feelings.  Awareness is nothingness.  It is the space in which all things, all movements, appear and disappear.

If you truly want to be free, you will dispel the belief that awareness is supposed to feel or be experienced a certain way–either positive, negative, or neutral.  Even believing that awareness is totally neutral is a trap.  Neutrality is just another position.” ~ Scott Kiloby

Suddenly, I have an even greater glimpse of absolute freedom in the flow of all that is here.

No planning. No “working” to get myself to feel a certain way or not feel a certain way. Everything just is, I watch, there’s nothing I can do about it.

What are your concerns about feelings, big or small? What happens when you question these beliefs? What did you learn about an emotion (or more than one) that made you decide you must destroy it and never feel it?

I would love to hear. Click below on the link to leave a comment if you like.

“When you realize that every stressful moment you experience is a gift that points you to your own freedom, life becomes very kind.” ~ Byron Katie

Much love, Grace

 

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If That Feeling Could Talk

It’s uncanny the power of the mind to deflect, go unconscious, blank out or skip like an error in a recording, just for a quick second.

Even though it’s so brilliant, smart, and fast as lightening…..we’ll say things like “it slipped my mind” or “I don’t know what came over me” or “suddenly I felt really creeped out (or smitten) for no apparent reason” or “it makes no sense, I did it anyway”.

Unconsciousness is defined in modern psychology as a part of the mind that is inaccessible to the conscious mind but still affects how you’re acting and feeling.

If you do something unconsciously, it’s like you did it without planning it, without intent, it was being directed by some other zone in your mind rather than upfront logic or conscious awareness.

And it was odd or unusual….it’s sort of mysterious.

Sigmund Freud and Carl Jung loved studying this “unconscious” mind, they were basically the founders of using the term in this particular way we all know now.

Back stories, missing puzzle pieces of why we act weird or feel bad.

Or why we’re addicted. To craving, or wanting, or love.

One huge and powerful advantage of doing The Work for me personally has been the way it draws out unconscious dredge, maybe from long ago, and brings it to light for examination.

And as these things are seen….the process of unconscious reactions in any form falls away.

“If you’re upset and you can’t seem to find the thought behind the emotions, try this: Take some time to travel inwardly to the place where the feeling is most intense. Sink into the physical sensation of the feeling. Let yourself be upset, for your own sake, and give it a voice. If the feeling could talk, what would it say?” ~ Byron Katie

Here’s an example.

Let’s say someone sort of disturbs you, even though you don’t know them all that well. Or the reverse, you’re fascinated by someone and feel compelled to hang around them as much as possible, like a groupie crush or something.

Hold that person in your mind, and see them doing what they do that you find repulsive or mesmerizing. Sometimes, this is a flash of a picture, it goes by so fast.

Blow it up big. Let it talk.

In an exercise class I took for awhile several years ago, there was a guy who was really handsome and really quiet.

He appeared melancholy and brooding. Strong and tough looking, with sideburns.

Kinda edgy like….dangerous. I pictured going out for drinks with him, even though I hardly ever drank alcohol much anymore.

(Retroactive clue).

I wrote out my Judge Your Neighbor worksheet on the image of that man.

My Judge Your Neighbor worksheet contained these following stressful thoughts:

I am nervous around that guy because he’s intense, foreboding, dark and mysterious.

I want him to talk to me, but gently. I want to get to know him.

He should stop brooding or acting all stormy and rough. He should lighten up. He should be more open.

I need him to be interested in me. I need him to be happy. I need him to be sincere, loving, direct, spiritual, mature, and clear.

He’s been hurt, he’s cautious, a fighter, violent, funny, uptight.

I don’t ever want him to kill or hurt me, anyone else, or himself.

Yes, even though I didn’t know his name, I had feelings and thoughts popping all over the place about this man in the corner.

I noticed….I’ve had curiosity and interest about some of the same qualities in Other Men before.

Gosh, what a coincidence.

I took a look at the most disturbing qualities: brooding and dark.Like he was hungry for connection, but haunted at the same time.

He should be more open, relaxed, mature. Not haunted. 

Is it true?

Yah I’m pretty sure that would be better all around.

Can you absolutely know this is true, for sure?

No. I’m not even sure he is NOT open, relaxed and mature. I’m definitely assuming a lot.

How do you react when you think someone should be more relaxed, grown up, open? What would you have if they were like that? What would it mean?

How I react is I’m waiting, wondering, hoping, hyped-up. I think it would be awesome, when I actually have NO IDEA. I think it would mean all is well and….

….suddenly I get the picture in my head of my dad being depressed, sad, staring out the window at the sky. Not saying much.

If only he were happy, everything would be OK. A very insidious unsettled worry would finally be resolved. I wouldn’t feel so separated.

Who would I be without that belief, that he should be open, or that he isn’t?

I wouldn’t assume he isn’t approachable, or forlorn, or feeling lost or sad. How would I know? Jeezus.

Plus, it’s not exactly any of my business.

If I just landed here from another planet, and felt perfectly content and excited to explore, I would breathe deeply and relax, and notice everyone, not just the brooders in this situation.

“The truth of your being doesn’t crave happiness; it could actually care less. It doesn’t crave love, not because you are so full of love, but because it just doesn’t crave love. It’s very simple. It doesn’t seek to be known, regarded highly, or understood. When you’re living what you are in an awakened way, there’s no ideal for you anymore. You’ve stepped off the entire cycle of suffering, of becoming; you’re not interested.” ~ Adyashanti

Turning the thoughts around: I should be more open, relaxed and mature…when it comes to that man in the corner…when it comes to my dad.

Those men should be exactly as they are, nothing is absent, nothing is required, no improvement necessary.

Wow, now that is different. Very, very different.

No tendrils of energy reaching out over to there, no grasping, no waiting, no hoping, no fingers-crossed, no wishing.

“I stopped waiting for the world to give me what I wanted. I started giving it to myself instead.” ~ Byron Katie

I notice what I wanted from my dad…connection, conversation, honesty, laughter, joy, guidance, no need for addictive thinking…and I begin to discover it inside myself.

And with this work, looking clearly, looking carefully, I notice one day….oh. No more brooding, haunted, sad men in my life.

Or was it me who changed?

Much love, Grace

 

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Freedom From Your Own Ideas About Feeling Bad

Not long ago I had a client who said something I’ve heard many times over the years as I’ve worked with people to question their thinking:

“I feel awful. I have a heavy weight of depression, despair, anger, anxiety, unhappiness…… But I have NO IDEA what I’m thinking that would create these terrible feelings.”

This woman went on to say that she had tried The Work but wasn’t sure anything had actually changed for her.

Her mind was so troubled, and she was desperately hoping for a sudden shift, a miraculous change.

I used to think this way when I had extreme eating behavior that didn’t seem to make any sense.

There I would be, living my life…and KABOOM…I would have the thought that eating would be a good idea, even though I wasn’t actually hungry.

Eating would change the channel on my situation, alter the trajectory of feeling. Eating would shake things up or switch the plans for the next couple of hours.

But there was a basic, profoundly unhappy belief that my situation was somewhat dangerous (sometimes it was only a teensy bit alarming, sometimes TERRIBLY worrisome).

This feeling, this moment, this situation is BAD BAD BAD.

It must be stopped. I can’t handle it. I “have to” do something.

When I used to believe this thought, that my current condition was WRONG, BAD, ALARMING, OFF….then guess how I reacted to that belief?

How do you react when you think your condition, your life situation, is BAD? That your feeling is WRONG? That you’re missing something?

How I reacted is I would bring out an army of thoughts AGAINST my condition, my situation.

I’d set to solving the problem I had, my condition, as if someone had a gun to my head saying “figure this out, NOW!”

My mind’s job was to prove that what I was experiencing was indeed horrendous. It would note and summarize all the evidence that my condition was threatening.

I would visit specialists, or read their books. I would be superstitious, I would wish my mind was different than it was, I would have visions and images float through my head of my disruptive childhood or my mean boss….I would think this situation was caused by my parents, my sensitive personality, my speedy mind, my upbringing, my society, genetics, poor nutrition.

When I believed that something was wrong with me, with my situation, with my feeling of despair, then I would feel exhausted with the search for change, with the search to “fix” my predicament.

When I believed something was wrong with me or with my life, or if something scared me…I would eat, eat, eat and it would help temporarily, but then I would hate myself and start the cycle all over.

What a black hole of unhappiness. It felt like death warmed over, as my grandma would say.

Blech.

So who did I become, without the belief that my situation and condition was so horrendously bad?

Because that’s what happened.

I began to question my belief that the dark blob feeling was an enemy.

Who would you be without the thought that your troubling feelings are impossible, that you need a miracle and immediate shift?

Who would you be without the thought that your condition is dire, wrong, alarming, off, BAD?

Without that belief hanging over my head, I began to make friends with my feeling of darkness, depression, death, resistance.

Who would I be without the thought that I am against this kind of feeling? Who would I be without the thought that I must be afraid of this feeling?

“If you think it’s hell and you’re taking the cap off it….let it fly, be a volcano. It couldn’t be worse than what you’ve been living — and if it is, let’s test it.” ~ Byron Katie

Without the belief that having a feeling of fear, or anger, or rage, or despair is something to be avoided at all costs….

….I welcomed the feelings.

I allowed them to be here, generating themselves inside me, however that happened.

I stopped trying to figure out how to get rid of them.

I started seeing what I was thinking, slowing it down, so I could examine the stream of ideas running through my mind.

” ‘I don’t have a belief’ is the first belief.” ~ Byron Katie

The turnaround: this feeling is good, it should stay, I need to keep feeling this way, this is not so horrible, this has a message for me, this is important, my situation is right, helpful, accurate, good, ON. 

Do you really want to snap your fingers and feel lollipops and roses? Are you SURE you don’t ever want to crave something, or feel stress, or discouragement?

“The mark of a moderate man is freedom from his own ideas. Tolerant like the sky, all-pervading like sunlight, firm like a mountain, supple like a tree in the wind, he has no destination in view and makes use of anything life happens to bring his way.” ~ Tao Te Ching #59

Love, Grace

Leave a comment below! I love hearing from you!

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Feelings Nothing More Than Feelings

It is amazing how feelings and thoughts appear to be separate.

Feeling and Thinking are often spoken of as quite unique energies, coming from different places…one uses the mind, one uses the heart.

There are tests that identify whether you lead more with your feelings or with your thoughts.

But the lines aren’t really all that clear and divided, right?

We say “thinking” to refer to the mind churning, analyzing, flashing images, seeing words. We’ll point to our heads. Thinking seems to happen in our brains.

We say “feeling” to refer to sensations in the body. Feeling seems to happen in the heart area, or the stomach, or through the whole torso (have you ever noticed that your pinky toe doesn’t feel “sad”?)

Yet, when we look at feelings and thoughts and where they happen and what they are….they are entirely and completely linked and woven together. Like two peas in a pod.

Which comes first, the chicken or the egg? Thinking or Feeling?

These two energies are communicating with each other. They seem to be part of a great movement and motion, back and forth, in and out like the tides, part of a big cycle.

And they are much closer to each other than we often imagine.

Byron Katie and many current teachers of awareness and peace often speak about becoming friends with our minds, with our thinking….

…and by becoming friends with this mind….we get to become wonderfully friendly with feelings.

And vice versa. And so on and so on.

It doesn’t matter which one you find troubling first. Most people notice discomfort or unhappiness with both.

Here’s the interesting dilemma that a lot of people, including ME, have noticed sometimes, with all this talk about questioning what we’re thinking:

What if I FEEL really bad, but I don’t even know where to start? What if I don’t know WHAT I’m thinking? What if I almost don’t HAVE any thoughts? What if I just know I feel BAD BAD BAD.

What if my whole persona and my body and my day feels like waves of feeling come along that are painful: stress, fear, fury, disappointment, sadness, despair, nervousness, desperation, loneliness?

What if sometimes, I’m just overwhelmed with difficult or troubling feelings?

Here’s something you can do, if you notice that you are a person with this sort of experience at times:

Write down your thoughts about these feelings. They’ll be all swarming in there like a hive of bees.

  • I shouldn’t feel this bad
  • I hate this feeling
  • I need to do something to get rid of this feeling
  • I can’t think
  • There must be something wrong with me
  • I can’t handle this
  • I can’t stand it

Now that you have words that are already in your mind coming out onto a piece of paper, you can question them.

Don’t worry….you can do The Work even while you are having big feelings. You can do The Work with tears streaming down your cheeks or a sick feeling in your stomach.

You may even find that when you have bigger feelings, your thoughts are bigger, and right under the surface if you dig only a little.

You can’t stand these feelings….is that true? They are too big, too much, you need to stifle them….you can’t figure out what the thoughts are that are associated with these feelings….Really?

I noticed in my past that when I resisted my uncomfortable feelings and felt CERTAIN that I couldn’t know what my thoughts actually were, or that they were resolvable….I felt like drinking, smoking, binge-eating, quitting my job and ditching whatever situation I was in. OUTTA HERE.

It worked, temporarily. But I had to put a LOT of effort into avoiding bad feelings and grabbing onto the good ones.

But without the belief that my feelings are bad, I’ve noticed that they are the best assistants in the world to help me see that I’m believing something off.

Turning all these thoughts around, about feelings, I find the following to be a great relief:

  • I should feel this bad
  • I love and appreciate this feeling
  • I do NOT need to do something to get rid of this feeling (it will go away actually, if I leave it alone)
  • I can think
  • There is nothing wrong with me
  • I can handle this
  • I can stand it

How would you live your life if you made friends with your feelings?

If you knew they were there for some important reason, giving you a clue to awareness, to your thoughts….and then your thoughts giving you clues about your feelings.

What if you really didn’t care if you felt bad or good today?

You might find that you are more curious than ever about this world. You may find that rather than contemplating and questioning your thoughts because you feel pain and you don’t want to anymore (a perfectly reasonable way to enter inquiry)….

….that you ride the waves of feelings, like a surfer. And your thoughts become clear and you might see even more clearly what is or is not true for you.

“…if feeling good is your goal, then as soon as you feel better you will lose interest in what is true. This does not mean that feeling good or experiencing love and bliss is a bad thing. Given the choice, anyone would choose to feel bliss rather than sorrow. It simply means that if this desire to feel good is stronger than the yearning to see, know, and experience Truth, then this desire will always be distorting the perception of what is Real, while corrupting one’s deepest integrity.” ~ Adyashanti

Whether you find you have more active thoughts or more active feelings, both are beautiful and both are messages to lead you to awareness.

My feelings, which I used to think of as the bain of my existence, are now the best pointers to my thinking that I could ever imagine.

Love, Grace

P.S. one of my absolute favorite ways to stay present and have feelings is with the power of a supportive group. Really…its made all the difference in the world for me personally in my own spirited journey. Teleclasses (8 weeks) or the Powerful Living May 4th or the half-day mini-retreat May 18th….or (drum roll) the whole one year program all start in the next couple of months. And Breitenbush at the end of June, too! Join one of these group experiences for contact with love, truth and you. Scroll down right here to click and read about any of these.

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My Feelings Must Be Stopped!

One tricky area to question one’s thinking is when it comes to what is known as addictive behavior.

When people feel addicted, they often want to focus on stopping that behavior ASAP.

People who take my class on food and eating, for example, often feel like their number one goal is stop over-eating, or dieting, or obsessing about eating and food.

Most of us know that addictive behavior—activity that feels almost impossible to stop—has root causes. It doesn’t just appear out of thin, blue air for absolutely no reason.

Human beings have studied human behavior very deeply in an effort to understand what creates an addictive experience in a person, what drives them to it, how it happens.

Even with the careful looking, there is still some mystery about it all.

Two people in the same family, but only one experiences alcoholism. A whole army of people in a war, and some suffer drug addiction, but others don’t. One person picks up a cigarette and vomits, never touching it again…another loves something about it and keeps it up their entire life.

No two people have exactly the same experience.

My own addictive behavior began with a huge overpowering feeling to eat beyond comfort, disappointed that my stomach was full.

Something in me wanted to eat more than my body could use.

When I look back at that time, so long ago (it started when I was only a teenager) I see that for me, criticism of my body came first, before the urge to overeat. I was already doing sports and loved being athletic.

But I started looking in the swim team locker room mirror and seeing hips form, and it was bad news.

I remember saying to one of my best friends while we both brushed our hair…”just look at this horrible thing (pointing to my hip)–it looks like a shelf”. My friend, with naturally thin hips, pretended to put her shampoo bottle on my “shelf”. I laughed with her, but inside I was very anxious.

I thought I wasn’t perfect in my body. I thought being skinny was better. I thought looking bony was more appealing. I thought having a very thin, muscular legs showed discipline, power, and winning.

Girls who were thin and very athletic were better, tougher, intense, controlled. Everyone liked them, or looked up to them. They were respected.

They were POWERFUL.

I swallowed that belief….hook, line and sinker!

I heard it from people all around me, the important adults in my life, the culture, the neighbors. I knew what was true, over time. I didn’t question it.

In all the studies I’ve read of anorexia (I managed to hover at anorexic weight with no binge-eating for two years) and bulimia (a ten-year problem for me) AND other addictive experiences humans have…one thing is common:

Great suffering, feelings of sadness, fear, rage, and despair.

Of course, every single human being has, at some point in their lives, difficult feelings and unpleasant thoughts. I’ve never met anyone who didn’t.

But somewhere along the road I decided that MY feelings were destroying my chance at being thin, respected, good and powerful.

My feelings must be stopped.

I got really good at controlling myself. I didn’t show big feelings, ever.

The only thing is, this bizarre thing happened. My feelings came out like geysers in totally weird areas. Like FRANTIC BINGE-EATING and then later drinking alcohol and smoking tobacco.

The whole cycle of addictive using would feel like wild, chaotic behavior followed by being so spent I had to sleep for the entire afternoon, just to get back to “normal”.

I did many things over time to heal from this terrible, horrifying cycle. But one amazing place to start, with inquiry, is to identify some key times you felt huge big feelings.

Those situations will be “gold” for your journey. The people who scared you most, frightened you, worried you or with whom you felt mad.

It may not seem like you’re doing The Work on your addiction. You may have thoughts like “this is going to take forever” or “how is THIS going to help me stop using?”

Those are just MORE stressful thoughts, that lead to discouragement.

Your feelings are out of control, bad, overwhelming, and can’t be handled by you or others….IS THAT TRUE?

Who would you be without the thought that having a huge strong feeling is dangerous?

Your feelings may be the pointers to the most amazing areas of life to look at, question, and turn around.

Keep inquiring. Keep going. You may be close to the end of a whole wall of stressful beliefs about being alive that you may soon no longer believe in any more.

“An uncomfortable feeling is not an enemy. It’s a gift that says, ‘Get honest; inquire.’ We reach out for alcohol, or television, or credit cards, so we can focus out there and not have to look at the feeling. And that’s as it should be, because in our innocence we haven’t known how. So now what we can do is reach out for a paper and a pencil, write thought down, and investigate.” ~Byron Katie

Give yourself a chance to sit with your feelings, and your memories, and find out if you can handle them.

I’m here to tell you….you can.

Love, Grace

P.S. If you want to give yourself the gift of an entire afternoon of looking at your beliefs, come to Seattle on April 6th to my little cottage and do The Work 1:30-5:30. Come back on May 18th and there’s a discount if you sign up for both. Scroll down to the In-Person workshops below to see the registration link. You never know what can change in one intensive session of self-inquiry!

Learn About All Teleclasses Here 

  • A Year Of Inquiry For The Addictive Mind: Life Support For The Compulsive Thinker. June 2013 – May 2014, Tuesday teleclasses * 2 in-person retreats * Relief, Peace, Group Work, Change. Click here to read all about it.
  • Earning Money: What’s Your Problem? Questioning Your Beliefs About Money, Work and Business. Thursdays, June 13 – August 8, 2013, 5:15 – 6:45 pm Pacific time. No class June 27. 8 weeks $395. Register Here. 
  • Pain, Sickness and Death: Making Friends With The Worst That Happens In Life. Thursdays, March 7 – April 11, 2013. 5:15-6:45 pm. 6 weeks $295. 
  • Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven: Working With Painful Hate, Anger, Fury, Despair, Grief, or Disappointment With Someone You Know; Spouse, Mother, Sibling, Father, Daughter, Son, Boss, Neighbor, Friend. Fridays, March 29 – May 17, 2013 8:00 am – 9:30 am Pacific time. 8 weeks $395. Register Here.  
  • Horrible Food Wonderful Food: Investigating the Love/Hate Relationship with Eating And Food. Tuesdays, June 11 – July 30, 2013 5:15 – 6:45 pm Pacific time. 8 weeks $395. Register Here.
  • Our Wonderful Sexuality: A Safe Place For Inquiry on Painful Thoughts About Sexuality. Fridays, July 5 – August 23, 2013 Noon – 1:30 pm Pacific time. 8 weeks $395. Register Here.    

In Person workshops:

  •  Mini Retreat Seattle. Saturday, April 6, 2013, 1:30-5:30 pm. Goldilocks Cottage. $70 includes intensive, handouts, tea and snacks.
  •  Mini Retreat Seattle. Saturday, May 18, 2013, 1:30-5:30 pm  Goldilocks Cottage. $70 includes intensive, handouts, tea and snacks.
  • SIGN UP FOR BOTH SATURDAY MINI RETREATS FOR $125 – Click here to register for one or both mini-retreats:
  • One-Day Retreat: Question Your Thinking, Change Your Life. Saturday, June 15, 2013, Thunder Bay, Ontario, CANADA. $175 includes workshop, snacks, wonderful catered lunch. Please click HERE learn more and to register. 
  • Loving Your Body Breitenbush Hot Springs Retreat. June 26-30, 2013. For all the information please click HERE.

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Work With Grace - Byron Katie Coach