A friend deep in thought held a pencil in his right hand with the eraser pressed against his bottom lip, and a Judge Your Neighbor worksheet in his left hand. His brow was furrowed as he stared at the worksheet.
“This just isn’t right. Maybe it’s more like ‘he should quit bullying me’ instead of ‘he should quit insulting me’. Yes, I think that’s better.”
Placing the JYN on the coffee table between us, he furiously erased one word, for the tenth time, and replaced it with another.
I had said “What if you didn’t worry about the concept being perfect? Does it really matter what the specific words are or the exact thought?”
But it continued to be complicated.
He couldn’t stop thinking, wildly fast, worried about every next thought.
As he spoke quickly about that painful moment he remembered in time with his dad….he would mention another scene, an entirely different moment.
“My dad ALSO ran a furniture business. He did the same kind of thing to his customers as he did to me!” There was talking about what it was like in the furniture store growing up. Then another scene popped in, from age 14 instead of age 11. Lots of proof of this dad being a nutcase and hard to deal with.
Lots and lots and lots of proof.
Lots of sentences started with “he always would do x” or “he would always act like y”. Words pointed to these things constantly happening, repetitively.
This is the way that person is (or was). Always.
At the time, I had only been doing The Work more deeply, for about six months, and we were trading a session in facilitating each other. While I loved one-to-one sharing with most humans, I had no idea what to call this “problem” of becoming frantic and perfectionistic about The Work itself.
As it turned out….I would see it from time to time in other people as I became a facilitator professionally and dove into doing The Work more and more.
I have to identify the right thought. I have to identify the right moment. I have to explain, describe, search for the ideal moment to do The Work on. I have to “get” this. I must clearly find my negative and stressful beliefs and delete them immediately. NOW. This needs to go deep! I need a revelation! I need to fix my thoughts, and I can’t do it unless I find the right ones!!
LOL.
Now, there’s nothing wrong with slowing down and taking a very good long look at an uncomfortable relationship moment. It’s a powerful reflection. Sometimes there are many, many moments with one person in your life who’s been disturbing (so it seems). Helpful to review them, notice what your mind sticks to as it sees trouble in your life with that person.
In the case of my friend doing The Work, he was looking at a long history with his dad and feeling like the entire relationship was full of pain, sadness, hurt (and love, too, of course). He was also absolutely sure this father of his was a major problem and “made” him act nervous for the rest of his life.
But here’s a very funny awareness I saw somewhere along the way as I continued to look at the amazing process of doing The Work and undoing stressful thinking about all of life: the mind LOVES to fix problems. And it has to assume there is one in the first place, in order to take off with the task of doing what it does best: analyzing and solving problems, telling stories, finding explanations for what is.
But what if doing The Work isn’t about finding THE problem thought, or problem situation, or problem origin?
What if there’s nothing magical or mysterious or complicated about it at all?
What if the primary underlying stressful belief is “there’s a terrible problem here”? And then taking that sentiment through inquiry?
Or…even more simple, what if my primary problem is the result of thinking there’s a problem: I feel bad.
Whether it’s afraid, sad, angry, enraged, resentful, terrified, desperate. BAD, BAD, BAD. Mildly Bad or Horribly Bad. Doesn’t even really matter. (I also notice the mind loves to scale the experiences from 0 – 10 or categorize them from 1 Slightly Annoying to 10 Horror Show).
The process moves like this:
a) Something happens
b) You believe it shouldn’t have (in other words, it’s a problem)
c) You feel bad
d) You see image(s) in mind afterwards of the thing happening, maybe for many years and you keep trying to solve the problem
e) You continue to prove to yourself how it shouldn’t have happened and use the mind to discuss, analyze, review, tell the story, hunt for peace
Whew. Doesn’t that mind seem to have a life of it’s own?
But what if we just let go of the hunt for the solution, and followed the simple directions of doing The Work?
GASP! The mind can’t do that…what are you talking about?! Not try to find an answer to this predicament?
No solution required? But. But. What will I think about with my genius brain if there’s no problem? Huh?
Yes.
We’re simply taking one memory in time and writing down our thoughts about that situation, unedited. It really doesn’t even matter what the words actually are. I’m against that person, that energy, that event, that experience. Life is hard, and here’s my proof (show never-ending scenes to self of those disturbing moments in time).
No need to explain or try to figure out who made the mistake in that moment, or the perfect way to word it so I get the right answer.
What if there really indeed is No Right Answer?
The mind hates that!!
But it sure does make it easier to sit with a memory and write down the thoughts you have about it, if there’s no wrong way to do it.
For me, over here, looking at that person who is so sincerely trying to find the right wording, the right concept, the right way to say what was happening in his situation….
….I can also question that what I’m seeing them do isn’t right. A waste of time. Unnecessary. Over-analyzing. Perfectionistic. Anxiety-Riddled.
Is THAT true, that my friend is over-anxious, trying too hard, working at this with too much vengeance, demanding perfection?
No. That’s not true either.
The reality is, he’s thinking wildly, he’s taking off on tangents, he’s telling stories, his mind is going….and, I have no idea if that’s “wrong”.
In fact, I’m pretty sure, it isn’t.
How do I react with the thought he shouldn’t be drowning in his thoughts of getting it right, and upset about the grammar and wording as he does The Work?
Open minded about this process.
Trusting he’s getting what he needs in this moment, as I speak up, or don’t. Noticing I’m not in charge. I can move and flow with his sharing, and say what I did about not trying to get it so perfect. He will hear it, or not.
Turning this thought around: my friend is NOT over-anxious. He’s just right, sincere, committed. I’m over-anxious about HIS over-correcting. I’m over-concerned about “problems” for myself, just like HE is. I’m assuming there’s an easier way to do it, and a harder way….when everyone may have their own path. (They do).
I look over at my friend, without the thought he’s making it harder than it needs to be….and with the turnaround he’s just right as he is….and I notice how dear he is.
I notice how some beautiful inquiry happened, and he’s relaxing slowly but surely as best he can. Just like me.
“Eventually, mind discovers that it’s free, that it’s infinitely out of control and infinitely joyful. Eventually, it falls in love with the unknown. In that it can rest. And since it no longer believes what it thinks, it remains always peaceful, wherever it is or isn’t.” ~ Byron Katie in 1000 Names For Joy
Much love,
Grace