Tag: thinking

Posted on

Mind out of control

A friend deep in thought held a pencil in his right hand with the eraser pressed against his bottom lip, and a Judge Your Neighbor worksheet in his left hand. His brow was furrowed as he stared at the worksheet.

“This just isn’t right. Maybe it’s more like ‘he should quit bullying me’ instead of ‘he should quit insulting me’. Yes, I think that’s better.”

Placing the JYN on the coffee table between us, he furiously erased one word, for the tenth time, and replaced it with another.

I had said “What if you didn’t worry about the concept being perfect? Does it really matter what the specific words are or the exact thought?”

But it continued to be complicated.

He couldn’t stop thinking, wildly fast, worried about every next thought.

As he spoke quickly about that painful moment he remembered in time with his dad….he would mention another scene, an entirely different moment.

“My dad ALSO ran a furniture business. He did the same kind of thing to his customers as he did to me!” There was talking about what it was like in the furniture store growing up. Then another scene popped in, from age 14 instead of age 11. Lots of proof of this dad being a nutcase and hard to deal with.

Lots and lots and lots of proof.

Lots of sentences started with “he always would do x” or “he would always act like y”. Words pointed to these things constantly happening, repetitively.

This is the way that person is (or was). Always.

At the time, I had only been doing The Work more deeply, for about six months, and we were trading a session in facilitating each other. While I loved one-to-one sharing with most humans, I had no idea what to call this “problem” of becoming frantic and perfectionistic about The Work itself.

As it turned out….I would see it from time to time in other people as I became a facilitator professionally and dove into doing The Work more and more.

I have to identify the right thought. I have to identify the right moment. I have to explain, describe, search for the ideal moment to do The Work on. I have to “get” this. I must clearly find my negative and stressful beliefs and delete them immediately. NOW. This needs to go deep! I need a revelation! I need to fix my thoughts, and I can’t do it unless I find the right ones!!

LOL.

Now, there’s nothing wrong with slowing down and taking a very good long look at an uncomfortable relationship moment. It’s a powerful reflection. Sometimes there are many, many moments with one person in your life who’s been disturbing (so it seems). Helpful to review them, notice what your mind sticks to as it sees trouble in your life with that person.

In the case of my friend doing The Work, he was looking at a long history with his dad and feeling like the entire relationship was full of pain, sadness, hurt (and love, too, of course). He was also absolutely sure this father of his was a major problem and “made” him act nervous for the rest of his life.

But here’s a very funny awareness I saw somewhere along the way as I continued to look at the amazing process of doing The Work and undoing stressful thinking about all of life: the mind LOVES to fix problems. And it has to assume there is one in the first place, in order to take off with the task of doing what it does best: analyzing and solving problems, telling stories, finding explanations for what is.

But what if doing The Work isn’t about finding THE problem thought, or problem situation, or problem origin?

What if there’s nothing magical or mysterious or complicated about it at all?

What if the primary underlying stressful belief is “there’s a terrible problem here”? And then taking that sentiment through inquiry?

Or…even more simple, what if my primary problem is the result of thinking there’s a problem: I feel bad.

Whether it’s afraid, sad, angry, enraged, resentful, terrified, desperate. BAD, BAD, BAD. Mildly Bad or Horribly Bad. Doesn’t even really matter. (I also notice the mind loves to scale the experiences from 0 – 10 or categorize them from 1 Slightly Annoying to 10 Horror Show).

The process moves like this:

a) Something happens

b) You believe it shouldn’t have (in other words, it’s a problem)

c) You feel bad

d) You see image(s) in mind afterwards of the thing happening, maybe for many years and you keep trying to solve the problem

e) You continue to prove to yourself how it shouldn’t have happened and use the mind to discuss, analyze, review, tell the story, hunt for peace

Whew. Doesn’t that mind seem to have a life of it’s own?

But what if we just let go of the hunt for the solution, and followed the simple directions of doing The Work?

GASP! The mind can’t do that…what are you talking about?! Not try to find an answer to this predicament?

No solution required? But. But. What will I think about with my genius brain if there’s no problem? Huh?

Yes.

We’re simply taking one memory in time and writing down our thoughts about that situation, unedited. It really doesn’t even matter what the words actually are. I’m against that person, that energy, that event, that experience. Life is hard, and here’s my proof (show never-ending scenes to self of those disturbing moments in time).

No need to explain or try to figure out who made the mistake in that moment, or the perfect way to word it so I get the right answer.

What if there really indeed is No Right Answer?

The mind hates that!!

But it sure does make it easier to sit with a memory and write down the thoughts you have about it, if there’s no wrong way to do it.

For me, over here, looking at that person who is so sincerely trying to find the right wording, the right concept, the right way to say what was happening in his situation….

….I can also question that what I’m seeing them do isn’t right. A waste of time. Unnecessary. Over-analyzing. Perfectionistic. Anxiety-Riddled.

Is THAT true, that my friend is over-anxious, trying too hard, working at this with too much vengeance, demanding perfection?

No. That’s not true either.

The reality is, he’s thinking wildly, he’s taking off on tangents, he’s telling stories, his mind is going….and, I have no idea if that’s “wrong”.

In fact, I’m pretty sure, it isn’t.

How do I react with the thought he shouldn’t be drowning in his thoughts of getting it right, and upset about the grammar and wording as he does The Work?

Open minded about this process.

Trusting he’s getting what he needs in this moment, as I speak up, or don’t. Noticing I’m not in charge. I can move and flow with his sharing, and say what I did about not trying to get it so perfect. He will hear it, or not.

Turning this thought around: my friend is NOT over-anxious. He’s just right, sincere, committed. I’m over-anxious about HIS over-correcting. I’m over-concerned about “problems” for myself, just like HE is. I’m assuming there’s an easier way to do it, and a harder way….when everyone may have their own path. (They do).

I look over at my friend, without the thought he’s making it harder than it needs to be….and with the turnaround he’s just right as he is….and I notice how dear he is.

I notice how some beautiful inquiry happened, and he’s relaxing slowly but surely as best he can. Just like me.

“Eventually, mind discovers that it’s free, that it’s infinitely out of control and infinitely joyful. Eventually, it falls in love with the unknown. In that it can rest. And since it no longer believes what it thinks, it remains always peaceful, wherever it is or isn’t.” ~ Byron Katie in 1000 Names For Joy

Much love,

Grace

Posted on

You Need To Stop Thinking—Is It True?

Yesterday I got into my car to drive from A to B. The overcast sky had parted so sun was beaming everywhere.

My phone rang so as I glanced to see who the caller was, it looked sort of familiar, like an official number from my neighborhood, so I answered it, just in case it was my kid calling from school.

All was well, but that call took about 15 minutes before I started the engine to go to  my next destination: the gym.

I noticed I had on a long-sleeved shirt and now, with the weather change, I felt hot and sticky. Yik.

This caused me to remember, after driving half way there, that I don’t have a gym bag, so I have no gym clothes, so I have to go back home now, to fetch them.

I looked over at the dashboard clock. I started calculating.

By the time I get home, it will be x-o’clock, if I go really, really fast it will be y’o’clock when I arrive at the gym. I’ll get exactly 25 minutes of workout time, which is NOT ENOUGH, I usually set aside 60, but it’s something at least. Then it will be z-o’clock.

If all goes well…no wrinkles in the “plan” then I’ll have time to pick up the daughter, drive to the orthodontist, return an inquiring client phone call, go back home, take a 4 minute shower, see a client, call another person back, check emails and get to dance on time.

I’m already tired.

Looking at the future lay-out in terms of time, sections of accomplishment, blocks of what-needs-to-happen.

This situation needs to move. Faster.

I need to generate output, attention, organization….and get this over with so the next thing can happen.

Fortunately….very, very fortunately….this is only one thread of thinking from the Belief Committee.

Only one kind of feeling, or orientation really.

If that committee gets going though, not exactly Fun Times. It tends to believe it can take over the entire World View of the host entity.

For some reason, and not because of “me” I assure you….I take a deep breath and almost at the same time as the plans appear, and the clock-monitor seeing clicks on, a feeling that’s like a gentle smile also appears.

The other day a wonderful inquirer wrote to me “but why does it take hours of doing The Work and all this effort to find peace? Can’t there be a quicker more instant way?”

I love that question!

You want a quicker, easier, speedier way! No stress entering! No troubling or annoying beliefs! Can’t we just get over it?

Are you sure? Is that true that quicker and instant would be better?

Yes indeed! Because! Isn’t that why I do The Work in the first place? Or any other technique, practice, inquiry, method?

Of course it’s true!

And how do you react when you think the thought that getting this whole bothersome “work part” over with, getting through it, instantly changing, suddenly becoming stress-free….is the Best Goal Ever?

My mind is a stop watch. I see events as taking too long. The clock is ticking. Can’t relax, can’t sleep, can’t truly rest, must push on.

I think. A lot.

With the thoughts that I must “find” peace, I analyze options for the best choice, the shortest method, the ideal option. I’m looking, looking, calculating, re-calculating, waiting, seeing this situation as falling short.

But who would I be without the these thoughts? Without having any Goals? Without thinking that what is here takes too long, is too much work, is arduous and slow?

Without the thought….woah.

I notice that I may actually have No Choice. I may be a part of a conglomerate inter-woven mess and tangle of life that appears in this moment as a human thinking they need to get somewhere faster.

I notice I never actually go any faster than I go. Life never goes any faster than it goes. Whether an afternoon, or appointments, or enlightenment.

Hilarious!

Who would I be without the thought that peace should be here NOW, that my afternoon should unfold at the appointed perfect time, that there is an end-goal in mind and it should be achieved ASAP.

What if As Soon As Possible is LATER?

As in…I’m not the boss of this. I’m not running things. It’s not up to me…even the attainment of peace?

Without this thought something inside my solar plexus opens and relaxes and is so happy, it’s almost hard to explain.

I turn it all around. The way it’s going is just right. Even me doing The Work, finding peace, opening, surrendering.

What if I am actually getting what I want? Could there be a benefit to the pace of this afternoon? The status of having or not-having whatever it is?

“We keep falling for it, we keep believing there’s a place that I’m going to get to where all this ends…..Your mind is trying to do this. But your mind isn’t really yours at all! If it was, you’d turn it off like a light switch. YOU…you are not doing any of this. You are not your mind.” ~ Adyashanti

Holy Moly!

If things really are not supposed to go the way I command, including my thinking….but they’re supposed to go the way they’re going….that’s one heckofa lot less work on my part.

A lot less everything, on my part. A lot less of me having a part.

“In my experience, we don’t make thoughts appear, they just appear. One day, I noticed that their appearance just wasn’t personal. Noticing that really makes it simpler to inquire.” ~ Byron Katie

If you’ve got a lot of thoughts, welcome to reality! Hee hee.

Much Love, Grace

Posted on

Make Thinking Easy By Thinking Real Hard

I’m high-lighting all the upcoming classes right here front and center, with the links to register or find out more, since so many of you have questions. Skip on down below this list for the daily Grace Note!

  • A Year Of Inquiry For The Addictive Mind: Life Support For The Compulsive Thinker. June 11, 2013 – May 20, 2014, Tuesday teleclasses 8 – 9:30 am * 2 in-person retreats Sept and March Seattle * Powerful Group work. Option to do teleclasses only for those living far away! Click here to read all about it.
  • Earning Money: What’s Your Problem? Questioning Your Beliefs About Money, Work and Business. Thursdays, June 13 – August 8, 2013, 5:15 – 6:45 pm Pacific time. No class June 27. 8 weeks $395.Register Here. 
  • Horrible Food Wonderful Food: Investigating the Love/Hate Relationship with Eating And Food. Tuesdays, June 11 – July 30, 2013 5:15 – 6:45 pm Pacific time. 8 weeks $395. Register Here.
  • Our Wonderful Sexuality: A Safe Place For Inquiry on Painful Thoughts About Sexuality. Fridays, July 12 – August 30, 2013 Noon – 1:30 pm Pacific time. 8 weeks $395. Register Here. 
  • Mini Retreats Seattle. Saturdays, 6/15, 8/10, 9/7, 10/12, 11/30, 2013, 1:30-5:30 pm. Goldilocks Cottage. $70 includes intensive, handouts, tea and snacks, $55 repeater rate. Click here to register for mini-retreats:
  • Loving Your Body Breitenbush Hot Springs Retreat. June 26-30, 2013.For all the information please click HERE.

********

I got a wonderful note from an inquirer the other day with a link about recovering from the anxious mind.

I was laughing out loud as I watched!

The little news video concludes that the solution to an obsessively thinking, anxious, compulsive mind is to dive into the thoughts and investigate them from every possible angle.

The news clip is a total spoof, but in it, there are some powerful grains of truth.

The true idea inside this funny video is that “the way out, is the way in”.

In other words, when you’re trying to beat your mind, crush your mental chatter, eliminate, go to war, destroy, alter, radically change your thinking….then what you resist persists.

As we’ve all heard, from Star Trek, RESISTANCE IS FUTILE.

So given that, let’s go ahead and dive full head on into the swimming pool of stressful thinking.

Let’s swim and immerse ourselves in it, so we see it, identify it clearly, wallow in it….and then capture just one of the thoughts, one at a time, and start to study and investigate it, with all our heart.

The Great Relief, thank goodness, are the steps and structure offered by inquiry, the four questions and then finding the turnarounds.

Without the capacity to inquire, we just believe everything we think…and get tied up in a ball of stress and anxiety that is sometimes almost unbearable.

At least that’s the way it was for me. Chasing after one belief, then another, then another, going around in circles VERY confused.

The Good News….the mind actually likes inquiry. It’s like it finally has something to do with all those compulsive, repetitive stressful thoughts.

At least that’s been my experience.

When I feel anxious, or like I’m ruminating and re-visiting a situation at hand over and over, when I FEEL the stress, then I know what to do!

Ask the four questions! Find the turnaround! Really consider that thought from every angle!

Thinking about it real hard….can become thinking about it real easy.

Yes, even THAT terrible situation that plagues you, maybe for many years. Even that person who hurt you, or that difficult loss, or that weird confusing experience.

You can do it, you can question your mind.

If you need the support of a group and a facilitator, then check out the classes above.

I myself did not do inquiry by myself for about 2 years after reading Loving What Is. I had to schedule myself to go to The School…and then, I needed to partner with a great facilitator for two years every single week…and then, I had to connect with tele classes of people doing The Work.

It was not easy for me to just sit down and do The Work, unless I was feeling tortured.

Join us for inquiry, if it’s right for you. Find a partner. Put it in your calendar.

Make thinking easy. If that’s all you do in your entire life….you’ve done something amazing.

Click here to have a chuckle! And then go question one of your stressful thoughts.

Love, Grace

If you like this article, forward it to friends, family or colleagues. To get on the list to receive these directly via email, go to www.workwithgrace.com and enter your email in the sidebar. Your email will not be sold or used for any other purpose than these Grace Notes articles and announcements. You can Unsubscribe at any time by clicking at the bottom of any newsletter.  

Posted on

A High Score Means Hazardous Thinking

Not long ago I was reading about a man who was no longer drinking, sober after a long and troubling relationship with alcohol, looked back at his “assessment test” he had been given before entering treatment.

He noticed that if he substituted the word “thinking” for the word “drinking” this gave him a pretty clear assessment of his own mind.

I decided to look at some addiction assessment tools myself to see if this applied to …ahem… my own mind.

I found some good assessment questions that were created for people wondering if they have a problem with drinking…..but I substituted “thinking” to see what my answers might be.

Take the following test to find out if you have THINKING that is hazardous to your health:

*Have you found that you have not been able to stop thinking once you have started?
*Have you failed to do what you expected yourself to do because of thinking?
*Have you had a feeling of guilt or remorse after thinking?
*Have you lost time from work due to thinking?
*Is thinking making your home life unhappy?
*Have you ever felt remorseful after thinking?
*Have you gotten into financial difficulties as a result of thinking?
*Does your thinking make you careless of your family’s welfare, or your own?
*Has your ambition decreased when thinking?
*Does thinking cause you to have difficulty sleeping?
*Has your efficiency decreased when thinking?
*Is thinking jeopardizing your job or business, or relationships?
*Do you think to escape worries or troubles?

GOSH!

That would be Yes, Yes, Yes, Yes, Yes….and Yes. To the whole list.

That’s why I love doing The Work.

It’s a prescription for recovery from the pain of believing stressful thoughts, at least it sure has been for me, and for hundreds of people all over the world.

Maybe since thinking seems to bring on some tough results like the list above, it’s not only helpful to do some in-depth looking at it….but pretty dang important.

So important that without looking at your mind and questioning the usual beliefs and processes you have in place…it may be hazardous to your health, and hazardous to your peace.

“If all you experience is mental noise, then you begin to derive your identity from the thoughts in your head, what the thoughts tell you about yourself….and you are trapped in that identity that is based on identification with thinking.” ~ Eckhart Tolle

There is something more than what we are thinking. (Thank goodness!) In fact, almost every spiritual teaching suggests to find out what it is!

And if your thoughts are getting in the way, in any part of your day, from experiencing peace, then diving right into them to understand and investigate them, may be one of the most important, amazing, fun, difficult, powerful things you will ever do.

Avoiding the thoughts, forcing yourself to be different, sweeping them under the rug, and wishing they weren’t there all don’t work.

If you notice that your thinking starts to dominate your experience, and you generate a false sense of self where your mind and beliefs are telling you who you are…and you’d like the incredible power of a group and a structure to support your inquiry process…then join Life Support For The Compulsive Thinker starting in six weeks.

This is an entire year of inquiry, three telesessions per month and two weekends retreats in Seattle, Washington, USA. We start in June on Tuesday mornings Pacific time.

Quite a few people have written to ask if they can do the teleconferences ONLY, since they live half way across the world. The answer is YES.

This whole year is a guided step-by-step look at all the topics that bring on stress and pain in our thinking.

We’ll be able to tag the thoughts, identify them clearly, share via email, and stay on track.

See the details and the payment plans and hopefully all you need by clicking HERE.

“An uncomfortable feeling is not an enemy. It’s a gift that says, ‘Get honest; inquire.’ We reach out for alcohol, or television, or credit cards, so we can focus out there and not have to look at the feeling. And that’s as it should be, because in our innocence we haven’t known how. So now what we can do is reach out for a paper and a pencil, write thought down, and investigate.” ~ Byron Katie

Much love,
Grace

Posted on

You Can’t Get Rid Of It

Yesterday I signed off the computer. I had not scheduled any clients or classes. I took a good book, and went to the bath house.

Outside it was raining cats and dogs. Dark, gray, dreary winter. I wanted to be alone and felt very contemplative.

Unfortunately, I had one of those weird times when being alone with my own company wasn’t all that fun.

Sometimes irritability is like an energy that asserts itself into whatever is here, whatever it is, even if you’re in paradise. I had on Irritation Glasses.

Why on earth are there so many people in the bath house on a Monday? Why do I live in a place that rains 11 months of the year? I should use this time to write, I should use this time to research, I should be doing some kind of “look-at-the-year-ahead” strategic goal-setting thing, I need to finish my taxes, didn’t I say I was going to learn to play the mandolin? Well, you should be playing it TODAY.

And by the way, you should stop complaining. What kind of person are you? JEEZ.

It’s like there’s splinter stuck in the thinking process, a cedar splinter…too small to pull out without good tweezers and no tweezers in sight, it seems.

And what happens with this annoying, edgy, dissatisfied, uncomfortable, whiney way of seeing everything?

A new idea…the idea known as “I QUIT!”

There is a new energy, although certainly not peaceful, with I-Quit Thinking.

I’ve had enough! This is unacceptable! I’m outta here! I refuse! Good riddance! Never again!

It’s a great dramatic moment in movies and theater. You can take this job and shove it! I want a divorce! You have offended me, you are no longer my friend and I will never speak to you again! We are hiking over the alps out of Austria to freedom!

The curtains close. The dust setttles. The conflict is over. Freedom has prevailed!

At least, that’s what the mind thinks.

Of course, life goes on and new challenges meet the heros and heroines who have moved into the I-QUIT zone. They may even repeat the exact same sequence with someone new, in a new situation.

Before I had the tool of self-inquiry, my mind would chatter incessantly and I would, indeed, quit something. If the chatter got too loud.

There is nothing wrong with quitting. But it often is not necessary. We think we have to, that there is no way out of this rat-maze of experience unless we make a big change, put our foot down, draw a boundary.

It is an absolute demand for improvement. THIS situation is bad and I will not stand for it. I will force a change. I will get away from that BAD person or situation.

Yesterday, in my mind, it was like I was saying if it weren’t for taxes, rain, learning the mandolin, money, time, and other people….I would be having fun here in this life. But since all these things are here, and they are irritating, then I am unhappy.

We can even have the thought that if it weren’t for our THINKING then all would be well.

Gosh, if it weren’t for my irritable, annoying brain, I would wake up and be happy.

“Loving-kindness—maitri—toward ourselves doesn’t mean getting rid of anything. Maitri means that we can still be crazy after all these years. We can still be angry after all these years. We can still be timid or jealous or full of feelings of unworthiness. The point is not to try to change ourselves.”~Pema Chodron

I notice that in my alone day, despite there being crankiness around every corner, I also have a voice of curiosity. I am watching, or something watches. There is someone or something here that knows all is well. Or perhaps all is very NOT well, and that’s OK too. This is just a dream world.

If I really, really, really do not have to get rid of anything….if I do not have to move away, cut off ties, ban anything, go on a special diet, lay down the law, get a lobotomy….wow.

Suddenly there is relaxation. Openness, the unknown. What happens next is mysterious.

I don’t have to DO anything, or change anything. Things actually just change. That’s the nature of reality.

“Mind is so powerful that it could take the imagined fist and beat it against a wall and actually believe that you are the person whose fist it is. Because mind in its ignorance is so quick to hold its imagined world together, it has created time and space and everything in it. Mind’s ability to create is a beautiful thing, unless as the terrorist that it often is, it has created a world that’s frightening or unkind……Eventually, mind discovers that it’s free, that it’s infinitely out of control and infinitely joyful.”~Byron Katie

Yesterday I watched, and didn’t do much, and didn’t accomplish much, and rested and lay still, and thought with wonder about how I will die at some point and this whole thing will quit, at least in this particular form.

And later, at dinner with my three sisters and my mother, we all laughed so hard our stomach’s hurt. Irritability was gone. “I” didn’t “make” it leave or decide to never speak to it again. It came and went.

Remembering that everything changes and that reality is on the move is the sweetest thing. I don’t have to be at war with what I am not in favor of, like other people or the weather.

Today it looks like I have another day on the planet. The rain is very soothing and lush. My cottage is gorgeous and bright. My thoughts are flowing.

Even if I Quit, I didn’t really. It keeps going.

“All streams flow to the sea because it is lower than they are. Humility gives it its power.”~Tao Te Ching #66

Love, Grace