Beliefs about children can be so hard, when you’re worried about their well-being.
Or anyone you love, for that matter.
But something about kids. It’s like it’s extra extra amplified, our caring about them, and the strangely stressful thoughts about love, happiness, or success.
Even though these thoughts seem “normal”, it’s quite profound to question if they are true.
What are your thoughts about taking care of your children? About parenting?
- my children should never suffer
- my children need to thrive, succeed, accomplish…in order for me to be happy
- I need to protect my kids from harm (the world is dangerous when it comes to x, y, z)
- it’s my job to teach, guide, direct my kids
- if my child fails, it means I have failed
- I can’t handle it if he/she feels pain
- I need to help my child
- my child shouldn’t bite, grab, hit, be selfish, talk back, act rude, defy me, do drugs, get bad grades….etc
- if my child is hurt, I am hurt
- I need to be close by talking, sharing time, having the same interests
- I need my child to live, to be happy
Investigating fear.
I began to realize that the worst that could happen might be primarily in my imagination, not reality. Even if the feared event or thing actually happened.
For example.
I am far away from home, on what I expected to be a very exciting trip with a man I’m rendezvousing with in Hawaii. This man surprised me with a plane ticket to join him on Maui, and I went at the scheduled hour.
But after a few days in the paradise setting, I’m in deep turmoil as reality hits. Not only is this man quite anxious and unhappy, but I’ve called in sick to my job and I feel more and more guilty.
It wasn’t worth the wild “yes”. I’m thinking of changing my return flight to sooner. I just want to go home. This isn’t right. The whole thing feels out of integrity, and weird. What am I doing here with this man, anyway?
Then I get a call.
My son, age 9, has broken his wrist while skiing for the first time. He’s in the emergency room.
I begin to feel sick with guilt. I call the airline, say goodbye to the man I’m with, and get on the next flight out.
Flying home, I begin to do The Work on the airplane. Clearly, by the time I fly across half the Pacific Ocean he’ll be out of the ER and with the people caring for him, who are wonderful. There’s nothing I can possibly do.
But I’m believing I shouldn’t have gone away. I should be there when something happens, like an accident.
Stressed parents think this all this time. I should have been there. I should be available always to sweep in, to rescue, to comfort, to help.
Is it true, though?
No.
Because kids have things happen in life constantly, and we’re not right there. We’re not supposed to be. They are human beings with their own paths. It’s a little crazy, in fact, to think we should be present any time our child is in need.
How do you react when you believe you should be present when you aren’t? How do you react when you think your child needs you, period?
Frantic. Worried. Guilty.
Who would you be without this dreadful story that your kids need you, when you aren’t actually there?
Way less stressed out. Even free. Circumstances took me to making the decisions I made, and there are no mistakes.
I’d even feel compassion for myself, without the thought. I’d feel awareness of the rest of the world, and it’s support for my children and for everyone, in everything that happens.
I am not the one in charge. My kids do not need me. They need whoever’s right there. Thank goodness.
Turning the thoughts about caring for children around, let’s see what happens:
- my children should suffer, if they do–Yes, I have learned immensely from my own suffering. It was the way to happiness, actually. Why would I deny my children such an incredible path?
- my children do NOT need to thrive, succeed, accomplish…in order for me to be happy. So true, I love them exactly as they are. For being alive. Nothing more required.
- I do NOT need to protect my kids from harm (the world is dangerous when it comes to x, y, z). Of course not, according to Reality. They’ve gotten sick, been injured, had heartbreaks, and they are beautiful people. So is the world.
- it’s NOT my job to teach, guide, direct my kids. What an egoistic idea in the first place, to think I’m the director. What a relief to see it’s not true.
- if my child fails, it never means I have failed–I can question what I believe “failure” is. Perhaps my child succeeded. And their event is not me or mine. This is not personal.
- I can handle it if he/she feels pain. Yes, I notice my wrist did not hurt, when my son’s was broken. I can handle that.
- I do NOT need to help my child. I was thousands of miles away. He had all the help he needed. Mothers even die sometimes, and the child goes on and has a happy life.
- my child should bite, grab, hit, be selfish, talk back, act rude, defy me, do drugs, get bad grades….etc. Anything happening could change, in a heartbeat. Meanwhile, I shouldn’t bite, grab, hit, etc, with my thoughts about me (I’m guilty, or a bad mother) or my thoughts that reality is bad.
- if my child is hurt, I am NOT hurt. And I need to notice this, so I’m sane and helpful.
- I do NOT need to be close by talking, sharing time, having the same interests. I can still love deeply, without these perceived definitions of closeness.
- I do not need my child to live, to be happy. The ultimate. How could it possibly be true that unhappiness would be required, if my child died? I have witnessed the opposite, from parents who have lost their kids.
If you’d like to get a taste of questioning your stories about your children (or even just one child) whether 2 or 35, living or not….
….come join a 3 session parenting course Wednesdays 10:00-11:30 am PT. Only $60.
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