Have you ever thought someone’s getting more than you of something you want?
What makes them so special? How come they’re the lucky one (not me)?
They have it. You don’t.
This shows up in a thousand ways (or, is it just one way, really….read on): they have more money, they’ve accomplished exactly what you intend to accomplish, they have the best partner, they have a beautiful house, their life is better because they travel, had kids, never had kids, eat the “right” way (better than you), they have a stronger, younger, healthier, more beautiful body, their kid is doing much better…they’re more enlightened and peaceful than you.
Ow.
By comparison, you lose. They win.
Find just one of these moments. You are comparing yourself with another human.
Is it true they’re doing it better, faster, clearer, more creatively, stronger?
Yes! Did you see her? She started at age 25 running a business and now at age 45 she’s a multi-million success story. Why didn’t I have that kind of a drive when I was her age? Did I tell you about my mother’s influence on me? She would…
Stop. Are you answering the question “is it true?” or starting to explain, describe, share, paint the picture, tell a story?
It’s a simple question!
Is it true that person over there is doing it better?
Yes.
OK. And are you absolutely 100% sure it’s true, with no shadow of a doubt, at all?
No. I have no idea. There’s that way, there’s this way. I’ve had many adventures, I don’t know her world. All I have is this momentary perspective, and a thought about what success is.
How do you react when you believe someone’s got it better than you, or succeeded (and you haven’t)?
Sigh.
I want to get away from them. Or stare at them and watch for clues about how to copy them.
I feel disheartened. Images come to mind of their smiling life, and my struggling one. I’m alone, or I’m surrounded by losers. They’ve got it made in the shade, a care-free life of service, or pleasure. They’re doing it the right way. They’ll go down in history as making a difference. I look, by comparison, like a chump. And be forgotten.
Or perhaps sometimes, you act with defense when you’re believing that person over there is better than you. You feel aggressive. You give reasons why you’ve got something better than them, whether it’s determination, spit and vinegar (as my grandma used to say), a good work ethic. Or maybe you’ve had harder circumstances to overcome because of x, y, z.
Yeah, that’s right!
But who would you be without this story that they’re better, you’re worse?
Seriously, if you had no thought or belief that they’ve got something you want, what would it feel like? How would you stand in that other person’s presence, with no feeling of wanting anything? What if you came from another planet entirely, with no reference for comparison? You simply looked at them, and observed?
Hmmm.
It’s not about ignoring your needs or desires. If that person has a glass of water, and I’m dying of thirst, I could ask them for some. They might say “yes”, they might say “no”. Without any thoughts about anything being better or worse, winning or losing, I simply ask for what I need, or take some kind of gentle action.
Without the belief they’ve got something I want, and it’s not terrible, or frightening, limited and it doesn’t mean I’ve lost….
….I notice I’m fascinated with what’s happening over there. I’m curious.
I’m also enjoying myself, right here, on the inside. I’m feeling happy, joyfully watching the wonders of the world, which happen to include this person and their accomplishment(s). Nothing needs to be added to me, or taken from them. No winner. No loser.
I’m delighted with people who do NOT have any apparent accomplishments, too. In fact, everything in my environment fascinates me. I’m open.
Without the thought I’m losing, she’s winning, I’m even delighting in my own interests and desires. I’m totally inspired by this woman I’m looking at. Look at this amazing thing she did, starting young in inventing a business from scratch and sticking with it for 20 years. It shows me what’s possible. I’m thrilled with my own path unfolding. It was nothing like hers.
Without comparison, it’s all brilliant. Failures, successes, an unknown dance. I might have done the worst thing ever along the way (according to me), but without the belief I’m a loser because of it, and she’s a winner….
….I am free. Energized. At peace.
Turning the thought around all the ways I can find: There is no win and lose. She’s not doing it better. I’m doing it better, for my life. I’m doing it better, for her.
Oooh, how could any of these or all of these be just as true, or truer?
Well, first of all, every life is full of peaks and valleys and every single one of these peaks or valleys has taught me immensely. Wow. I certainly had other important things to focus on besides starting a business at age 25. It was called ending my addictions and discovering a new way to look at the world, and myself. I wouldn’t give it up for something else. (I couldn’t anyway, point taken). There is no win or lose. It all crumbles as soon as I start looking closely.
I’m doing it better for me. True. There’s no one who could do my life except me. So of course I’m doing it better than anyone else. My job is to be this one, here. Not that one over there.
And what if I was doing it better, for her? She could find my life path just as inspiring. I might have something to offer her. Including appreciation for the clear and powerful example I’m seeing right before me of career success. She might enjoy me being over here, just as much as I do!
Ah the beauty of seeing how incredible it is to be able to observe another human, or many other things in the apparent environment, and notice they are included in my path, because I’m seeing them.
They are a part of me.
Oh! Ha ha!
Not separate. Not left out.
Included, connected, open to all the beauty this beautiful mind discovers–so many things it loves….EVERYWHERE
“The only permanent solution to your problems is to go inside and let go of the part of you that seems to have so many problems with reality. Once you do that, you’ll be clear enough to deal with what’s left.” ~ Michael Singer in The Untethered Soul
Much love,
Grace