Tag: failure

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from a place of peace, we can more easily take the next step

Remember when I used to write a Grace Note every single day? It didn’t matter if I was traveling, in a different time zone, even teaching a retreat.

I always sat down and did The Work in writing often completing it before I went to sleep, and scheduled it to send a few hours later.

Then my thumbs started getting carpel tunnel, I’d miss or leave things to go write, I’d not get relaxing time with family.

So, the way of peace was to rest more, without so much activity.

We often think we have to do, do, do! Go, go, go! Push on! Keep up the good work! Don’t stop! Never stop working towards the goal! ACTION IS ALWAYS GOOD!

We all know what the usual ideas about “taking action” sound like.

Mind says: You need to get to that other place. The successful place. The place where you’ve achieved what you want to achieve.

That would be so great, right?

I’ll be happy when I get there.

I’ll have enough money. I’ll be the right size body. I’ll have a great relationship. I won’t have compulsions. I will have made it. I’ll be safe. I’ll be enlightened.

Until then….I can’t rest. And I can’t get no satisfaction.

I need to keep moving. Get that last thing “done” before I shut down for the night, so I’m ready to keep it going as soon as I wake up next morning.

Time for inquiry.

Think of just one “goal” you’d love to achieve. The project you want done. The success you’d love to call yours.

You need to get there in order to be happy—is that true?

I’m thinking of having money set aside for retirement and to pay medical bills or get support in old age.

Enough. There. Done.

I’d be happy. Can I absolutely know that it’s true?

Many people right now in the Eating Peace program have had this thought about being the “right” weight. Being thin.

It seems true.

If I was the right size (the scale read the right numbers) or if I had whatever x amount of dollars or if my garage was cleaned out or if my health was perfect, or if I had a fabulous loving relationship, if my spouse changed, if my book was published, or if I found the spiritual answer I’ve been seeking….

….I’d be happy.

Is it 100% guaranteed for-all-time true?

Woah. Um.

Heh heh. I’m not sure.

I do notice this mind seems to find fault very quickly with What Is. It begins to wonder if there isn’t something more interesting over the next horizon?

In my particular situation considering the belief I’ll be happy if I have some money for retirement, I’ve worked with so many people–even those in the money course I offer in the new year annually–who have ample money for years worth of retirement.

And they still aren’t “happy”.

I can’t absolutely know that if I got what I think I want, I’d be happy or enjoying life without fear.

It doesn’t mean I won’t still get the thing. It doesn’t mean it isn’t a good idea.

It’s just that putting all that happiness onto the achievement of this future hope, this future gain, this future ideal isn’t necessarily going to bring some state of happiness, or absence of fear, or complete peace.

So what happens when you believe the achievement of some goal means you’ll be happy?

Well, I work towards that goal like a worker bee without stopping. I don’t see the forest for the trees, only the one tree in front of me.

I hurt my own thumbs even though they’re getting stiff by writing too often.

I read piles of books about the topics I’m interested in. I hunt.

So who would you be without your belief that you must get “there” in order to be truly, fully happy?

Pause.

What if this was your last week on earth (in a good way–I’m not trying to scare you)?

My dear friend Carl died last year, just over a year ago. A year before he died, he felt he hadn’t achieved all the creative artist output he wanted to. He hadn’t put up a website he loved, and only had two successful gallery shows with his art. No agent signings with his music.

But as he moved towards death by cancer, he continued joyfully with his creative work with nothing holding him back. I never heard him say “I didn’t make it” even though some things did not happen for him. He was picking out his favorite website photos and the artwork in his last month of life.

I had the thought…..that could be me even if I’m 92 years old and an entire life lived….there would still be something I didn’t complete or finish.

And there would also be a ton I did.

Experiences, sharing, wondering, looking, being, doing, resting and taking action.

Who I’d be without the thought there’s some different alternative better way, that isn’t here yet, is peaceful.

I’d even be laughing.

Turning the story around:

You do NOT need to get to that other place in the imagination. This place here is a successful place. This place here is neither a successful nor failing place. There is no achievement by “me” in isolation.

Life is happening, and I’m a violin being played. I don’t seem to be a saxophone. Even if I Iike the sound of the saxophone, it’s not required to notice beauty, joy, grief, fullness of heart, noise, silence.

This place here, this moment, is a fine moment without my beliefs about it, or my beliefs about myself and what’s required for safety, security, love.

This place now, this moment now, has come to be….and it’s astonishing.

Now which place do you think is more likely to produce some kind of interesting activity, movement, or change:

The first orientation, where What Is, is not good enough? Or the place I see when I inquire…where What Is, is rather exciting, quiet, wondrous?

“From a place of peace, we can more easily take the next step. And sometimes the next step means taking no step at all, but falling deeply in love with where we are. This is NOT the same as giving up. This is not passivity or toleration of the ‘negative’. This is not the same as abandoning all hope of a better future. There is no abandonment here. This is not stagnation. This is not weakness. This is true courage. The willingness to slow down, be present, drink in all the richness – the joy and the sorrow, the doubt and the creativity – of the present scene.” ~ Jeff Foster

The more true turnaround is that my thinking isn’t “there” or “good enough” or “successful”.

It’s in the future, or the past, unsatisfied, worried, anxious.

But it’s just a thought.

Other than that, everything’s perfect.

Much love,
Grace
P.S. If you’re drawn to answering the four questions and finding turnarounds, and feeling the potential surprise at the other side of inquiry…there’s still space at Breitenbush Dec. 6-9 (Thurs evening through Sunday lunch). Call to make your reservations 503-854-3320.

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Get clear enough to deal with what’s actually true

Have you ever thought someone’s getting more than you of something you want?

What makes them so special? How come they’re the lucky one (not me)?

They have it. You don’t.

This shows up in a thousand ways (or, is it just one way, really….read on): they have more money, they’ve accomplished exactly what you intend to accomplish, they have the best partner, they have a beautiful house, their life is better because they travel, had kids, never had kids, eat the “right” way (better than you), they have a stronger, younger, healthier, more beautiful body, their kid is doing much better…they’re more enlightened and peaceful than you.

Ow.

By comparison, you lose. They win.

Find just one of these moments. You are comparing yourself with another human.

Is it true they’re doing it better, faster, clearer, more creatively, stronger?

Yes! Did you see her? She started at age 25 running a business and now at age 45 she’s a multi-million success story. Why didn’t I have that kind of a drive when I was her age? Did I tell you about my mother’s influence on me? She would…

Stop. Are you answering the question “is it true?” or starting to explain, describe, share, paint the picture, tell a story?

It’s a simple question!

Is it true that person over there is doing it better?

Yes.

OK. And are you absolutely 100% sure it’s true, with no shadow of a doubt, at all?

No. I have no idea. There’s that way, there’s this way. I’ve had many adventures, I don’t know her world. All I have is this momentary perspective, and a thought about what success is.

How do you react when you believe someone’s got it better than you, or succeeded (and you haven’t)?

Sigh.

I want to get away from them. Or stare at them and watch for clues about how to copy them.

I feel disheartened. Images come to mind of their smiling life, and my struggling one. I’m alone, or I’m surrounded by losers. They’ve got it made in the shade, a care-free life of service, or pleasure. They’re doing it the right way. They’ll go down in history as making a difference. I look, by comparison, like a chump. And be forgotten.

Or perhaps sometimes, you act with defense when you’re believing that person over there is better than you. You feel aggressive. You give reasons why you’ve got something better than them, whether it’s determination, spit and vinegar (as my grandma used to say), a good work ethic. Or maybe you’ve had harder circumstances to overcome because of x, y, z.

Yeah, that’s right!

But who would you be without this story that they’re better, you’re worse?

Seriously, if you had no thought or belief that they’ve got something you want, what would it feel like? How would you stand in that other person’s presence, with no feeling of wanting anything? What if you came from another planet entirely, with no reference for comparison? You simply looked at them, and observed?

Hmmm.

It’s not about ignoring your needs or desires. If that person has a glass of water, and I’m dying of thirst, I could ask them for some. They might say “yes”, they might say “no”. Without any thoughts about anything being better or worse, winning or losing, I simply ask for what I need, or take some kind of gentle action.

Without the belief they’ve got something I want, and it’s not terrible, or frightening, limited and it doesn’t mean I’ve lost….

….I notice I’m fascinated with what’s happening over there. I’m curious.

I’m also enjoying myself, right here, on the inside. I’m feeling happy, joyfully watching the wonders of the world, which happen to include this person and their accomplishment(s). Nothing needs to be added to me, or taken from them. No winner. No loser.

I’m delighted with people who do NOT have any apparent accomplishments, too. In fact, everything in my environment fascinates me. I’m open.

Without the thought I’m losing, she’s winning, I’m even delighting in my own interests and desires. I’m totally inspired by this woman I’m looking at. Look at this amazing thing she did, starting young in inventing a business from scratch and sticking with it for 20 years. It shows me what’s possible. I’m thrilled with my own path unfolding. It was nothing like hers.

Without comparison, it’s all brilliant. Failures, successes, an unknown dance. I might have done the worst thing ever along the way (according to me), but without the belief I’m a loser because of it, and she’s a winner….

….I am free. Energized. At peace.

Turning the thought around all the ways I can find: There is no win and lose. She’s not doing it better. I’m doing it better, for my life. I’m doing it better, for her.

Oooh, how could any of these or all of these be just as true, or truer?

Well, first of all, every life is full of peaks and valleys and every single one of these peaks or valleys has taught me immensely. Wow. I certainly had other important things to focus on besides starting a business at age 25. It was called ending my addictions and discovering a new way to look at the world, and myself. I wouldn’t give it up for something else. (I couldn’t anyway, point taken). There is no win or lose. It all crumbles as soon as I start looking closely.

I’m doing it better for me. True. There’s no one who could do my life except me. So of course I’m doing it better than anyone else. My job is to be this one, here. Not that one over there.

And what if I was doing it better, for her? She could find my life path just as inspiring. I might have something to offer her. Including appreciation for the clear and powerful example I’m seeing right before me of career success. She might enjoy me being over here, just as much as I do!

Ah the beauty of seeing how incredible it is to be able to observe another human, or many other things in the apparent environment, and notice they are included in my path, because I’m seeing them.

They are a part of me.

Oh! Ha ha!

Not separate. Not left out.

Included, connected, open to all the beauty this beautiful mind discovers–so many things it loves….EVERYWHERE

“The only permanent solution to your problems is to go inside and let go of the part of you that seems to have so many problems with reality. Once you do that, you’ll be clear enough to deal with what’s left.” ~ Michael Singer in The Untethered Soul

Much love,

Grace

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Changing Your Beliefs About Your Failure

I’ll be doing a live google hangout on Sunday, April 19th at 9:00 – 10:30 am Pacific Time. Come join me for a wonderful time–I can’t wait to meet you and support you in questioning your thoughts and lightening up your life. There is no charge for this event.

Join on April 19th by clicking HERE. You may want to make sure you have a google account (it’s free) to make access super easy.

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Have you ever noticed a whole belief system running in your mind that feels like a dark storm?

I can’t do it. I can’t make it. I failed. It’s over. This is terrible. I lost. It’s no use. I don’t know how. I’ll never get what I want.

Have you ever experienced a big blow in your life….

….or a series of disappointments….

….and found a voice in your head saying thoughts like these, maybe over and over again?

How do you feel about desiring things, moving towards something, having dreams and visions…..and maybe not achieving it, or getting to where you’d like to be?

Phew. It’s rough.

The thing is….

….you can question your thinking when it comes to “failure” and investigate to see if what’s going on in your mind is really, really true.

Questioning with an open, curious mind can bring you not just relief, but the incredible perspective of the turnarounds, and actually living with the OPPOSITE of what you’re thinking when you’re in that dark place.

Not long ago, an acquaintance of mine graduated from a program in mental health with her master’s degree. She had loved being in a high-level educational program, she was doing something she had dreamed of for years.

She rented an office downtown and hung her shingle up “Open For Business!”

And waited for new clients.

And waited.

And waited.

Then she had one person come, for two sessions. But the new client didn’t return.

She waited again.

So she gathered her forces together and advertised, made flyers, went to networking meetings and furiously applied her former PR skills to getting clients.

But things limped along, very slowly.

I offered to facilitate her in doing The Work, but she didn’t know me very well and said “no, I just need to hammer away at this.”

I couldn’t help notice the words “hammer away at this”.

It reminded me of myself, pushing hard, running hard, tackling something I wanted to gain with a lot of worry, energy and intensity.

Doing The Work can save a lot of time, energy, busy-ness and action.

Here’s how.

While this acquaintance didn’t choose to do The Work, like I said…..it reminded me of me.

First question: Is it true, what you’re thinking?

Oh. What did you say?

I was too busy ruminating, seeing pictures of terrible things happening, and feeling anxious.

What did you say again?

Oh! Is it TRUE?

Huh. Wow. Well, heck! Not really. I have no idea!

How do you react when you think these thoughts of failure? Even potential failure?

What does it feel like when you’re not getting where you want, what you want, who you want, or how you want it?

You may have the same reaction as the woman I mentioned…..you might hunker down and “hammer” away at the problem.

You might get really disciplined and full of striving and struggle and effort.

When I had no money left and watched my bank account empty and then go into debt, I began to react by thinking these same kinds of thoughts, and then I thought maybe its better to be dead.

Really, it was that harsh and black.

Then I did The Work, thank goodness!

So…who would you be without these despairing, negative, frightening thoughts?

What if you used your imagination to see a new way, without these thoughts, rather than seeing the sky falling like Chicken Little?

Turning the thoughts around:

I can do it. I am doing it. I am making it. I am succeeding. It’s just beginning. This is wonderful. I’m winning. It’s of use. I don’t know how (yay!) or I do know how. I’ll always get what I ultimately want.

This is not to be full of fluffy bunny positive affirmations.

This is deeply considering the benefits of what has occurred, and waiting, noticing, opening and being with joy and love instead of disappointment and hate.

I noticed for myself that I was still alive!

I noticed I was going through something incredibly wild, but actually my little cottage was quiet, beautiful and nurturing. The lights were still on. The phone still worked. The water was still connected. There was still gas in my car. The garbage company still came to pick up my garbage.

I also remember I had a picture of me telling my story of losing all my money one day, and giving other people hope to keep breathing and question their beliefs through a terribly difficult period.

I saw benefits for what was going on with lack of clients and lack of money. I noticed my dive into “no money” generated passion, power, huge energy within me…..I wasn’t so quick to give up or not bother.

I also became willing to question OTHER stressful thoughts like that I was too shy or introverted to be able to succeed in my own business.

Or not good enough to really be effective in life.

Who would you be without your story of self-criticism, judgment and doubt?

“When people see some things as beautiful, other things become ugly. When people see some things as good, other things become bad. Being and non-being create each other. Difficult and easy support each other. Long and short define each other. High and low depend on each other. Before and after follow each other. Therefore the Master acts without doing anything and teaches without saying anything. Things arise and she lets them come; things disappear and she lets them go. She has but doesn’t possess, acts but doesn’t expect. When her work is done, she forgets it. That is why it lasts forever.” ~ Tao Te Ching #2

Much love, Grace

P.S. September 2015 Year of Inquiry mastermind group begins. An awesome journey with awesome people, inquiring together. For 3 weeks in every month, 3 times every week, you can dial-in with a fabulous group of inquirers and do your work. There’s nothing like the power of group support and connecting for becoming curious, open-minded, and finding the shifts of un-believing that you so desire in your life. Freedom. Registration opens soon!

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What Isn’t True About Feedback

Have you ever really wanted to know what someone thought of you, or what they thought of something you did, or something you said, or something you created?

Or have you noticed….maybe you’re afraid to find out?

Long ago when I was in a therapy support group, one of the principles for how everyone interacted was that you were supposed to tell the truth, give feedback, and if you had something that bugged you with someone else in the group…you had to clear it up before anything else happened in the group that session.

Woah. It was soooo scary to me.

We were even offered a script to follow when you had a “clearing”.

You began by saying “when you said/did/looked like x, what I thought it meant about me was ______.”

You then went on to find out if what you were thinking had any truth to it at all. You spoke from the heart, without demanding that anyone change. The other person listened, then got to respond.

It was like clouds had parted over a very dark sky.

If you’re disturbed by someone, you can SAY something!? Wow!!

Recently, I asked all the people who had ever taken my teleclasses or programs on food and eating to answer a few questions anonymously and tell me their thoughts.

Even though I knew about clearings from way back then in those groups, I wouldn’t have been able to ask for feedback in quite the same way only a few years ago….especially not before The Work.

I got to read the most amazing feedback.

There was a huge, big range of comments and experiences!

(Funny how it’s called “feedback” by the way…speaking of food issues).

Quite a few people felt a class or program changed their experience of food, eating, their body image, and gave them new ways to look at their relationship with food, or their appearance, that was never the same again….and they’ve been growing in this awareness ever since, doing inquiry and seeing what it’s like to question thought.

Some people said they can’t remember what the class content was like, but they know it made a positive difference and they continue to watch what they think and feel to see what’s really true.

Some people said they understood some new principles for themselves and get self-inquiry, but it hadn’t really sunk in, they still struggled on a daily basis with eating or self-criticism around their body.

And one person said it was a huge disappointment and nothingchanged for them.

Yikes!

This is so powerful, especially for this thing in life called honest contact with others.

But here’s what is different about reading all the feedback than how it used to be:

It inspired me!

For the participants who didn’t get everything they wanted, I knew that only 8 weeks of investigating thoughts and practicing inquiry wouldn’t really blow the lid off a whole lifetime of using food to feel better or alter feelings, and stop the insanity.

I knew I needed to offer more, to somehow get what I’ve learned out of my head and my heart into a format that works for everyone, or a big major percentage of the people for sure, not just for some.

Plus, I already know everyone’s got their own path to peace. I may or may not have anything to do with it.

Here’s a way you can use feedback to help you, rather than scare you, if you’ve gotten some that feels a little (or a lot) painful.

Identify what hurts the most. For me, the thing that popped out most was “huge disappointment”.

Then begin to see and feel what the inner voice has to say about this comment, what feels painful, what’s terrible about what you’ve heard.

I let someone down, I should have made a difference, I should have offered more, I can’t deliver the answers well enough, I don’t have answers for other people (and I should), I’ll never be successful in serving, my approach wasn’t good enough, it’s too hard to relay healing in this area, people are still suffering, my service is pointless, we’re all alone….

If you’ve ever failed, or had difficult feedback, notice what your mind says about it.

Is it true?

Yes. Failure. Over. Didn’t do well. Missed the mark.

People feel this way about so many relationships, not even just feedback that isn’t “good”.

Can you really know it’s true, though? Are you positively sure?

No.

Who would you be without the thought that you did it wrong, you were a huge disappointment, you weren’t good enough, what you’re doing is pointless, you aren’t successful, and you should have done it differently?

Eager to create more. Excited to see what happens next.

Noticing life went THAT way, not THIS way.

Watching people come and go, for all kinds of reasons.

What if the turnarounds were just as true, or even truer than the original thoughts the mind comes up with, about what feedback means?

I let myself down, I am making a difference, I should have offered more for my sake, I can deliver the answers (and questions) that I have, I shouldn’t have answers for other people, I am successful in serving, my approach was good enough, it’s easy to relay healing in this area, people are no longer suffering, my service is meaningful for me….

I love that it’s all a process and a journey. There is learning, growth, and a unique timeline for everyone.

“Surrender has been part of all forms of spirituality because it is a means and invitation to do something that almost everything in us is hooked up to NOT do…which is to let go. Failure is the means to success. That place where nothing works is the place where everything works….But as long as you’re running towards or away from something, you’re in the game of illusion.” ~ Adyashanti

Without the belief that I should have, I shouldn’t have, I can’t, I can, or anything else I think something means….I don’t know what anything means.

I look around at this beautiful day, I hear a low hum of silence, a small airplane in the distance, a mailbox opening in the neighborhood, I feel my feet against the floor, my lungs take a huge deep breath.

Anyone can have this. Right now. Anyone can stop, feel, wait, slow down.

Anyone can see what took them out of the present and into feeling hurt…and perhaps into eating or drinking or smoking or whatever it was.

Anyone can do the work.

Much love, Grace