Tag: comparison

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By Tuesday, I got off the wheel (retreat starts tomorrow–one session per day online)

Oh I am having fun with all the last-minute shuffling for retreat starting tomorrow. 
For those of you contemplating: we meet only 3 hours from 9am-Noon Pacific Time tomorrow on Thursday, on Friday and on Sunday…and afternoon from 2-5 this Saturday (dancing Saturday morning for those who want–all online, yes).
(Those of you needing it can watch the Saturday recording instead of attending live).
Pay-from-the-heart sliding scale to join. You get to pick what works for you financially right now.
If you’ve got curiosity for The Work, are brand new or have lots of experience, you’ll get to identify a situation you find objectionable in your life….and transform it by asking four questions and finding turnarounds.
If you think that’s not possible….this is a good time to experiment and see.
Join us by signing up here.
*******************
Speaking of objectionable.
In the Year of Inquiry group yesterday, we looked at a stressful thought about other people: “they have it better”.
Many of us think those other people have it “better”.
What a fabulous contemplation.
I’ll never forget walking on the sidewalk not so far from my little cottage on foot, staring at the big gorgeous houses lined up along Lake Washington.
My hands were in my pockets in tight fists.
These home-dwellers must have done something right.
Why did THEY get to have big houses, all lit up with fall and Halloween decorations, full of happy people (all of them probably in happy relationships–I was navigating a divorce)?
What did I do wrong?
I love the questions: What’s your proof that they have it better? How do you know?
Those people have:
  • money to trade for anything wanted
  • possessions or pretty things owned, acquired, gathered around
  • body health, appearance, strength, youth
  • freedom to do whatever you want with your time
  • not having to “do” something like work at a job, clean the house, take out the garbage
  • no physical pain, no disease, no problems
  • winning
  • status: great job, leadership, importance
  • being the president or the biggest boss of all time
  • attaining enlightenment, peace, wisdom
We have the top hits of what “better” looks like.
Wealth, Love, Enlightenment, Health.
Isn’t it funny how we see it in a glimpse, meet someone, notice their surroundings, imagine their experience, envision their joy or power or wealth or success….
….and sometimes that tricky rabbit (mind) says “OMG that’s better than this, than me!”
How do you react when you think it, when you compare?
Sad. Despairing. Sorry.
What I noticed as I sat doing this work with our Year of Inquiry group is a lot of back-tracking in the mind, when believing this thought that Those People have it better.
“If only I had decided age 25 to go to Med School…” or “if only I had never fallen in love with that man!”…or “if only I hadn’t gone to Italy”…”if only I had sent my kid to that other school”….
Lots of “if-only” thinking, wishing we had done something different.
The mind is amazing how it can go backwards in time and offer suggestions on how you might have done it differently.
LOL.
So who would you be without the belief “they have it better”?
Ask this question in just one of the situations you’ve noticed when you thought this.
Standing on that quiet sidewalk so many years ago, who would I be without the thought?
Breathing a deep breath of fresh fall air. Noticing fallen leaves glistening in the street.
Feeling something here, without thought. Being. Alive.
Noticing that truly, truly, observing a wide street with houses means nothing….in a wonderful way.
No better, no worse possible.
Here-ness is all.
Buzzing, humming here-ness. Joy.
No extra step needed, nothing from the environment, no “things” like money, no health, no body, no status, no winning, nothing special required.
Here is here.
Nothing was needed to get to it–except perhaps four questions.
Turning it around: This is better. This is it. There is no better or worse except in thought. Only my mind imagines “better” over there (or “worse” over there, for that matter).
Ahhhhhh…..

Thinking Like A Butterfly

Monday I was told I was good.
I felt relieved.
Tuesday I was ignored.
I felt invisible.
Wednesday I was snapped at.
I began to doubt myself.
On Thursday I was rejected.
Now I was afraid.
On Saturday I was thanked
for being me. My soul relaxed.
On Sunday I was left alone
till the part of me that can’t
be influenced grew tired of
submitting and resisting.
Monday I was told I was good.
By Tuesday I got off the wheel.
We’ll share sacred poetry and inspiring quotes, do our work together, wonder out loud who we are without our thinking.
Want to come along?
Sign up here.
Much love,
Grace
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I’m so ugly by comparison. A good lie to take through inquiry.

I’d love to get to know you better by reading your honest responses (anonymous) to a few powerful survey questions about your fears and dreams. Please share with me here so I may of the highest service and understanding. In deep gratitude: Answer Questions Here.

Let’s do The Work again on Facebook Live today Friday 3/16 at NOON Pacific Time. I love those who send me a question beforehand, and today, our topic and stressful belief will be one that feel basic, harsh, but very persistent within the human experience:
I’m ugly. 
Have you ever had this thought?
Oh so painful.
And on top of having the thought itself hurt, we also think “I shouldn’t be so hard on myself” or “I shouldn’t care about what I look like” or “I shouldn’t even have this thought in the first place!”
(What’s wrong with me!?)
How you get to a facebook live video, in case you don’t know, is you simply go to the usual Facebook page, and scroll down inside the posts section. I’ll be there on video at NOON Pacific time/3 pm Eastern time/9 pm Europe.
If you miss the live moment, you’ll see the recorded video later right there on the same Work With Grace facebook page.
Mistakes, goof-ups (inevitable) and surprises all etched in time on recording. That’s the fun (or horror) of facebook LIVE: it’s LIVE. No script, no edits, no cuts.
Who would we be without our stories of ugliness, needing to fix ourselves, or even fix our thinking (or change the video–LOL)?
Who would we be without the story of comparison, and measuring ourselves up against the other people we encounter in the world?
And as a special bow to Ireland and the Celtic traditions (part of my ancestry) I recently was touched by the beautiful way I heard John O’Donohue and Thomas Merton, two Christian mystics, offer their wisdom to this process of comparing ourselves and coming up short (or better than)….
….enjoy this week’s Peace Talk right here.
Much love,
Grace
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Get clear enough to deal with what’s actually true

Have you ever thought someone’s getting more than you of something you want?

What makes them so special? How come they’re the lucky one (not me)?

They have it. You don’t.

This shows up in a thousand ways (or, is it just one way, really….read on): they have more money, they’ve accomplished exactly what you intend to accomplish, they have the best partner, they have a beautiful house, their life is better because they travel, had kids, never had kids, eat the “right” way (better than you), they have a stronger, younger, healthier, more beautiful body, their kid is doing much better…they’re more enlightened and peaceful than you.

Ow.

By comparison, you lose. They win.

Find just one of these moments. You are comparing yourself with another human.

Is it true they’re doing it better, faster, clearer, more creatively, stronger?

Yes! Did you see her? She started at age 25 running a business and now at age 45 she’s a multi-million success story. Why didn’t I have that kind of a drive when I was her age? Did I tell you about my mother’s influence on me? She would…

Stop. Are you answering the question “is it true?” or starting to explain, describe, share, paint the picture, tell a story?

It’s a simple question!

Is it true that person over there is doing it better?

Yes.

OK. And are you absolutely 100% sure it’s true, with no shadow of a doubt, at all?

No. I have no idea. There’s that way, there’s this way. I’ve had many adventures, I don’t know her world. All I have is this momentary perspective, and a thought about what success is.

How do you react when you believe someone’s got it better than you, or succeeded (and you haven’t)?

Sigh.

I want to get away from them. Or stare at them and watch for clues about how to copy them.

I feel disheartened. Images come to mind of their smiling life, and my struggling one. I’m alone, or I’m surrounded by losers. They’ve got it made in the shade, a care-free life of service, or pleasure. They’re doing it the right way. They’ll go down in history as making a difference. I look, by comparison, like a chump. And be forgotten.

Or perhaps sometimes, you act with defense when you’re believing that person over there is better than you. You feel aggressive. You give reasons why you’ve got something better than them, whether it’s determination, spit and vinegar (as my grandma used to say), a good work ethic. Or maybe you’ve had harder circumstances to overcome because of x, y, z.

Yeah, that’s right!

But who would you be without this story that they’re better, you’re worse?

Seriously, if you had no thought or belief that they’ve got something you want, what would it feel like? How would you stand in that other person’s presence, with no feeling of wanting anything? What if you came from another planet entirely, with no reference for comparison? You simply looked at them, and observed?

Hmmm.

It’s not about ignoring your needs or desires. If that person has a glass of water, and I’m dying of thirst, I could ask them for some. They might say “yes”, they might say “no”. Without any thoughts about anything being better or worse, winning or losing, I simply ask for what I need, or take some kind of gentle action.

Without the belief they’ve got something I want, and it’s not terrible, or frightening, limited and it doesn’t mean I’ve lost….

….I notice I’m fascinated with what’s happening over there. I’m curious.

I’m also enjoying myself, right here, on the inside. I’m feeling happy, joyfully watching the wonders of the world, which happen to include this person and their accomplishment(s). Nothing needs to be added to me, or taken from them. No winner. No loser.

I’m delighted with people who do NOT have any apparent accomplishments, too. In fact, everything in my environment fascinates me. I’m open.

Without the thought I’m losing, she’s winning, I’m even delighting in my own interests and desires. I’m totally inspired by this woman I’m looking at. Look at this amazing thing she did, starting young in inventing a business from scratch and sticking with it for 20 years. It shows me what’s possible. I’m thrilled with my own path unfolding. It was nothing like hers.

Without comparison, it’s all brilliant. Failures, successes, an unknown dance. I might have done the worst thing ever along the way (according to me), but without the belief I’m a loser because of it, and she’s a winner….

….I am free. Energized. At peace.

Turning the thought around all the ways I can find: There is no win and lose. She’s not doing it better. I’m doing it better, for my life. I’m doing it better, for her.

Oooh, how could any of these or all of these be just as true, or truer?

Well, first of all, every life is full of peaks and valleys and every single one of these peaks or valleys has taught me immensely. Wow. I certainly had other important things to focus on besides starting a business at age 25. It was called ending my addictions and discovering a new way to look at the world, and myself. I wouldn’t give it up for something else. (I couldn’t anyway, point taken). There is no win or lose. It all crumbles as soon as I start looking closely.

I’m doing it better for me. True. There’s no one who could do my life except me. So of course I’m doing it better than anyone else. My job is to be this one, here. Not that one over there.

And what if I was doing it better, for her? She could find my life path just as inspiring. I might have something to offer her. Including appreciation for the clear and powerful example I’m seeing right before me of career success. She might enjoy me being over here, just as much as I do!

Ah the beauty of seeing how incredible it is to be able to observe another human, or many other things in the apparent environment, and notice they are included in my path, because I’m seeing them.

They are a part of me.

Oh! Ha ha!

Not separate. Not left out.

Included, connected, open to all the beauty this beautiful mind discovers–so many things it loves….EVERYWHERE

“The only permanent solution to your problems is to go inside and let go of the part of you that seems to have so many problems with reality. Once you do that, you’ll be clear enough to deal with what’s left.” ~ Michael Singer in The Untethered Soul

Much love,

Grace

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Eating Peace: Comparing your body to other bodies? Do this, for freedom.

My very first stress when it came to food, eating, weight, body, fitness…..all started with believing I should look better, different, perfect, strong, and fit.

Before that, I was a little nervous about food and eating, and aware as a kid that being overweight wasn’t good according to the world of grown ups….

….but I didn’t really care about having a “good” body until teenage years.

But you can get stuck in that teenage mode of striving for the perfect “look” forever, if you don’t sink deeper into a more honest look at weight, body image, or your looks and what it means.

In this video, I make one suggestion on how to work with comparing your body with some other more perfect body out there in the world, on the TV screen, in the movies, at the gym.

Wouldn’t you rather find acceptance, appreciation and joyful laughter about having a body versus that crazed drive for looking your best?

Watch here to see:

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Compared To Me….Your Situation Is

It is C*R*A*Z*Y how much the mind loves to compare.

Sometimes it seems to be in constant motion, holding up two or more scenarios and picking which one it likes best.

We compare that person’s situation to our own situation, and the neighbors situation, and the people we knew ten years ago and their situation, and our mother’s situation, and our siblings’ situations.

When someone tells us that they are having a hard time, our mind scans the files we have, memories, seeing if it can relate.

We’ll start to say, whether out loud or inwardly; “oh, yes, I had a friend who had that disease once….who got married like that….I myself was in a similar accident….there was the time a member of my family also had….I encountered that too…”

It’s almost an automatic way to relate to others, to refer back to what WE have heard and experienced and learned and believed that is similar to what they’re telling us.

The other day in a waiting room I heard one woman say to another that her aunt had died.

The one who was listening to the news of the aunt’s death began saying “oh that is so terrible, so hard…oh dear. The caregiver must not have anything to do now, that is probably a big loss in the caregiver’s life. Oh how terrible..”

There was  a lot of humming and ooo-ing and there-there-ing, and awwww-how-sad in between the words.

The other woman, whose aunt had died, said, after a pause…“um, well, no, the caregiver is actually quite happy that my aunt is now free from being sick, and happy that she herself is free from having to be the caretaker!”

The one who had been ooohing and ahhhing about the death sort of said “oh!” with surprise.

I smiled at over-hearing the assumption made, and then the correction of the assumption.

Sometimes we get corrected in our views, which is one version of having our beliefs questioned, in a very simple way…..

Someone tells us!

But here’s the tricky thing I notice about comparison…..

….it’s a lot more intense, sort of crucial and painful and deep, based on how much stress we are feeling about our situation.

We might start to compare our lives to other people who have it better.

We lose our income, our house burns down, our partner leaves…..

….and our friends who have just won the lottery, built a new house, or gotten married produce a sort of frosty feeling inside us when we’re with them and they are talking about their good fortunes.

Ooops. Comparison has descended.

I look worse off than they do. Uh oh. Cry!!!

Too bad, in these situations, someone can’t come in and just tell us that we’re off, that we’re not seeing things clearly, and that we’re making assumptions that really aren’t true.

But wait! We DO have a signal, actually, that tells us we’re not seeing things clearly!

It’s called STRESS. An uncomfortable feeling. Resistance. Upset.

When I ran out of all my money, and then had bills, and a mortgage and no way to pay it, I was soooooo terrified and depressed.

I felt down, fatigued, and yet couldn’t sleep well. I was doing The Work and looking at my beliefs as if my life depended on it (it did).

I would feel calm and serene, and realize that I was breathing and fine even though my financial life was like the Titanic sinking. I would realize I was absolutely OK.

And then…..I would go on a walk.

About 3 blocks from my street was the edge of a gorgeous lane. The neighborhood suddenly became lakeside real estate.

Lush gardens, well-tended and plush mansions, boats, docks, automobiles of the highest calibre, marble statues.

My ears had fumes coming out of both sides within twenty minutes of the walk.

How did THESE people do it? Why were THEY getting so much? Why didn’t I have an estate on the lake?

What was I doing wrong? 

By comparison…..they are SO MUCH BETTER.

Stop.

Inquiry time. This is called aggravation, envy, angst, agony. Comparison.

Who would I be without the thought that what I am seeing means something about me?

What if I don’t need to relate or understand or have a similar experience or “get” exactly what they did….in order to be happy?

I might quit comparing, and perhaps even see things with new, fresh eyes.

I noticed that as I walked down the street, without the thought that they had it better and I was lacking something…..

…..I was walking through a most amazing world.

It was like Alice in Wonderland, a magical bounty of vision everywhere: trees, sky, sidewalk, cars, wood, glass, colors, views, fountains, art, ornaments…..

……all right here, in my world, in my awareness.

Nothing missing, nothing gone or absent that “should” be there (for me) but instead a whole universe jam-packed with beauty everywhere.

Even though I was perceiving myself in that moment as not “owning” or having the same kinds of things.

Perhaps no comparison was necessary in order to be intimately connected with whatever was going on around me, or with whoever I was talking with.

No need to find common experience or common ground, no need to see them as separate or better.

Without busily comparing everything to Me and My Experience, a great relaxation occurs.

What a cute little mind, so busy busy busy constantly checking in to see if this body/person is doing OK, by comparison.

“One must be willing to stand alone-in the unknown, with no reference to the known or the past or any of one’s conditioning. One must stand where no one has stood before in complete nakedness, innocence, and humility. One must stand in that dark light, in that groundless embrace, unwavering and true to the reality beyond all self–not just for a moment, but forever without end. For then that which is sacred, undivided, and whole is born within consciousness and begins to express itself.” ~ Adyashanti 

Without measuring and comparing myself to everything and everyone else, the amount of money I have, the amount of attention I have, the amount of enlightenment I have is totally and completely unimportant.

And it can’t be measured. Everything starts to blur together.

There is enough of everything.

Freedom!

“Basically without comparison, you have a happy life in every moment.” ~ Byron Katie

Love, Grace