Tag: jealousy

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By Tuesday, I got off the wheel (retreat starts tomorrow–one session per day online)

Oh I am having fun with all the last-minute shuffling for retreat starting tomorrow. 
For those of you contemplating: we meet only 3 hours from 9am-Noon Pacific Time tomorrow on Thursday, on Friday and on Sunday…and afternoon from 2-5 this Saturday (dancing Saturday morning for those who want–all online, yes).
(Those of you needing it can watch the Saturday recording instead of attending live).
Pay-from-the-heart sliding scale to join. You get to pick what works for you financially right now.
If you’ve got curiosity for The Work, are brand new or have lots of experience, you’ll get to identify a situation you find objectionable in your life….and transform it by asking four questions and finding turnarounds.
If you think that’s not possible….this is a good time to experiment and see.
Join us by signing up here.
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Speaking of objectionable.
In the Year of Inquiry group yesterday, we looked at a stressful thought about other people: “they have it better”.
Many of us think those other people have it “better”.
What a fabulous contemplation.
I’ll never forget walking on the sidewalk not so far from my little cottage on foot, staring at the big gorgeous houses lined up along Lake Washington.
My hands were in my pockets in tight fists.
These home-dwellers must have done something right.
Why did THEY get to have big houses, all lit up with fall and Halloween decorations, full of happy people (all of them probably in happy relationships–I was navigating a divorce)?
What did I do wrong?
I love the questions: What’s your proof that they have it better? How do you know?
Those people have:
  • money to trade for anything wanted
  • possessions or pretty things owned, acquired, gathered around
  • body health, appearance, strength, youth
  • freedom to do whatever you want with your time
  • not having to “do” something like work at a job, clean the house, take out the garbage
  • no physical pain, no disease, no problems
  • winning
  • status: great job, leadership, importance
  • being the president or the biggest boss of all time
  • attaining enlightenment, peace, wisdom
We have the top hits of what “better” looks like.
Wealth, Love, Enlightenment, Health.
Isn’t it funny how we see it in a glimpse, meet someone, notice their surroundings, imagine their experience, envision their joy or power or wealth or success….
….and sometimes that tricky rabbit (mind) says “OMG that’s better than this, than me!”
How do you react when you think it, when you compare?
Sad. Despairing. Sorry.
What I noticed as I sat doing this work with our Year of Inquiry group is a lot of back-tracking in the mind, when believing this thought that Those People have it better.
“If only I had decided age 25 to go to Med School…” or “if only I had never fallen in love with that man!”…or “if only I hadn’t gone to Italy”…”if only I had sent my kid to that other school”….
Lots of “if-only” thinking, wishing we had done something different.
The mind is amazing how it can go backwards in time and offer suggestions on how you might have done it differently.
LOL.
So who would you be without the belief “they have it better”?
Ask this question in just one of the situations you’ve noticed when you thought this.
Standing on that quiet sidewalk so many years ago, who would I be without the thought?
Breathing a deep breath of fresh fall air. Noticing fallen leaves glistening in the street.
Feeling something here, without thought. Being. Alive.
Noticing that truly, truly, observing a wide street with houses means nothing….in a wonderful way.
No better, no worse possible.
Here-ness is all.
Buzzing, humming here-ness. Joy.
No extra step needed, nothing from the environment, no “things” like money, no health, no body, no status, no winning, nothing special required.
Here is here.
Nothing was needed to get to it–except perhaps four questions.
Turning it around: This is better. This is it. There is no better or worse except in thought. Only my mind imagines “better” over there (or “worse” over there, for that matter).
Ahhhhhh…..

Thinking Like A Butterfly

Monday I was told I was good.
I felt relieved.
Tuesday I was ignored.
I felt invisible.
Wednesday I was snapped at.
I began to doubt myself.
On Thursday I was rejected.
Now I was afraid.
On Saturday I was thanked
for being me. My soul relaxed.
On Sunday I was left alone
till the part of me that can’t
be influenced grew tired of
submitting and resisting.
Monday I was told I was good.
By Tuesday I got off the wheel.
We’ll share sacred poetry and inspiring quotes, do our work together, wonder out loud who we are without our thinking.
Want to come along?
Sign up here.
Much love,
Grace
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Retroactive jealousy…when you need it a certain way, it gets ugly

Oy veys, I got the completely incorrect link for Summer Camp for The Mind for all of you who are wanting to check the schedule and information page.

Head over HERE to find out all about Summer Camp online program including the daily schedule.

Yes, it is entirely sliding scale and yes, it begins with a 3-hour mini retreat (two of them, to be precise, at different days and hours for those of you in completely different time zones). In the mini-retreats we’ll simply be doing The Work, one after the other. It doesn’t matter if you’re experienced, or a brand new beginner.

And finally, I forgot to let you know that the usual First Friday wouldn’t be happening since I’m traveling and in spotty internet connections. We WILL however meet on the second Friday, June 9th at the very same time 7:45 am PT. Save this link HERE for joining me on 6/9. (Apologies for not warning you)! July we’re back to First Friday.

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And now for another fascinating topic I first wrote about in 2015. It vaguely appeared while on this trip about retirement planning.

Retroactive jealousy.

I hadn’t really heard the term, but a dear inquirer used it about his experience of stress when it came to his partner.

This can expand beyond jealousy about someone you love having been with someone else.

You can also be jealous of someone’s historical success, the experiences they’ve encountered, the achievements they’ve undergone. In the Past.

As in, it’s not even happening anymore. But you’re jealous as you hear about it.

I myself should have gotten that opportunity! I should have been the one getting that experience. I should have been the boyfriend. I should have been the girlfriend. I should have had that kind of scholarship. I should have gotten that kind of degree. I should have woken up back then when I was that age! 

I remember an inquirer who always felt, because her husband had a previous marriage where his wife had died of cancer, that she was always “the replacement” and she felt pain and jealousy of what her husband’s previous marriage had been.
Good fodder for inquiry.
First….consider why this is troubling for you?
What do you think it means, that the person you’re deeply interested in, this person you love, had another life, before you came along?
It means they’re comparing ME to someone they knew previously.
It means I’m not the first, I’m not the special person. It means they have numerous, general, multiple experiences in their life and I’ve missed out on all of them. It means I’m not 100% important. It means they might have great memories with other people and they’ll desire them again.
I must confess, the only place I’ve personally ever experienced this Retroactive Jealousy is around something to do with accomplishment and success with career or money, as I mentioned.
As in….I’m jealous someone else got THOSE awesome career opportunities. I didn’t. They planned well. I didn’t.
Bummer for me. Good for them.
How do I react when I think I didn’t get that experience, in the past, that someone else got?
It can feel devastating. Sick. Soooo uncomfortable.
I leave the person who has sparked this comparison-mode. I want to get away from them. I retreat. I feel very disconnected and separate.
So who would you be without the belief that you should have been there, you should have had that experience….in the past?
Who would you be without the belief that the person you love shouldn’t have been with that previous person?
Who would you BE?
“I’m a lover of what is. It’s so painful when I’m not. There’s nothing we can do about it. It is what it is. And we’re all lovers of reality…..We all want what is because it’s the way of it. And we all KNOW it….How does it feel to react to your own lie??! To something you don’t even believe yourself? We’re attached to this concept. And we think they’re doing it TO us. But it’s nothing more than our fairy tale is being burst.” ~ Byron Katie
Who would you be without the thought that this other person’s story is the better way?
I’d feel quiet. I’d be laughing. I’d be thrilled with my relationship with myself, my own life.
I’d be overjoyed in hearing about other peoples’ life paths, successes, achievements, experiences, mates. I’d be so curious, in a really good way.
Turning the thought around….
….I shouldn’t have been there, I shouldn’t have had that experience I’m hearing about, there’s nothing out of place, nothing is wrong, nothing is missing, all that happened before to this person is perfect and important.
I should have been in my own life, with my own experiences, in this body here.
How could this be just as true, or truer?
“It’s living with no net. You do it and you die and your knees wobble and you’re weak like a baby and you’re so vulnerable. It’s so exciting. Much more exciting than your story. It’s love affair, and it goes as deep as it can. The love of self.” ~ Byron Katie
“You are whole and complete within yourself. You do not need anything. You do not need anybody….No clinging, no holding on. If you need it a certain way, you are dependent, and it gets ugly.” ~ Michael Singer

Wow.

Right here, this place, age 56 and doing whatever I’m doing. I notice I’m traveling on a trip my mother saved up for to celebrate her 80th birthday, so I didn’t need to have more success to do this amazing adventure.

I have a suitcase. I have legs that can walk many miles. I bought a simple silver necklace to match the ones my sisters also bought in a market yesterday.

Nothing more is required.

Much love,

Grace

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Get clear enough to deal with what’s actually true

Have you ever thought someone’s getting more than you of something you want?

What makes them so special? How come they’re the lucky one (not me)?

They have it. You don’t.

This shows up in a thousand ways (or, is it just one way, really….read on): they have more money, they’ve accomplished exactly what you intend to accomplish, they have the best partner, they have a beautiful house, their life is better because they travel, had kids, never had kids, eat the “right” way (better than you), they have a stronger, younger, healthier, more beautiful body, their kid is doing much better…they’re more enlightened and peaceful than you.

Ow.

By comparison, you lose. They win.

Find just one of these moments. You are comparing yourself with another human.

Is it true they’re doing it better, faster, clearer, more creatively, stronger?

Yes! Did you see her? She started at age 25 running a business and now at age 45 she’s a multi-million success story. Why didn’t I have that kind of a drive when I was her age? Did I tell you about my mother’s influence on me? She would…

Stop. Are you answering the question “is it true?” or starting to explain, describe, share, paint the picture, tell a story?

It’s a simple question!

Is it true that person over there is doing it better?

Yes.

OK. And are you absolutely 100% sure it’s true, with no shadow of a doubt, at all?

No. I have no idea. There’s that way, there’s this way. I’ve had many adventures, I don’t know her world. All I have is this momentary perspective, and a thought about what success is.

How do you react when you believe someone’s got it better than you, or succeeded (and you haven’t)?

Sigh.

I want to get away from them. Or stare at them and watch for clues about how to copy them.

I feel disheartened. Images come to mind of their smiling life, and my struggling one. I’m alone, or I’m surrounded by losers. They’ve got it made in the shade, a care-free life of service, or pleasure. They’re doing it the right way. They’ll go down in history as making a difference. I look, by comparison, like a chump. And be forgotten.

Or perhaps sometimes, you act with defense when you’re believing that person over there is better than you. You feel aggressive. You give reasons why you’ve got something better than them, whether it’s determination, spit and vinegar (as my grandma used to say), a good work ethic. Or maybe you’ve had harder circumstances to overcome because of x, y, z.

Yeah, that’s right!

But who would you be without this story that they’re better, you’re worse?

Seriously, if you had no thought or belief that they’ve got something you want, what would it feel like? How would you stand in that other person’s presence, with no feeling of wanting anything? What if you came from another planet entirely, with no reference for comparison? You simply looked at them, and observed?

Hmmm.

It’s not about ignoring your needs or desires. If that person has a glass of water, and I’m dying of thirst, I could ask them for some. They might say “yes”, they might say “no”. Without any thoughts about anything being better or worse, winning or losing, I simply ask for what I need, or take some kind of gentle action.

Without the belief they’ve got something I want, and it’s not terrible, or frightening, limited and it doesn’t mean I’ve lost….

….I notice I’m fascinated with what’s happening over there. I’m curious.

I’m also enjoying myself, right here, on the inside. I’m feeling happy, joyfully watching the wonders of the world, which happen to include this person and their accomplishment(s). Nothing needs to be added to me, or taken from them. No winner. No loser.

I’m delighted with people who do NOT have any apparent accomplishments, too. In fact, everything in my environment fascinates me. I’m open.

Without the thought I’m losing, she’s winning, I’m even delighting in my own interests and desires. I’m totally inspired by this woman I’m looking at. Look at this amazing thing she did, starting young in inventing a business from scratch and sticking with it for 20 years. It shows me what’s possible. I’m thrilled with my own path unfolding. It was nothing like hers.

Without comparison, it’s all brilliant. Failures, successes, an unknown dance. I might have done the worst thing ever along the way (according to me), but without the belief I’m a loser because of it, and she’s a winner….

….I am free. Energized. At peace.

Turning the thought around all the ways I can find: There is no win and lose. She’s not doing it better. I’m doing it better, for my life. I’m doing it better, for her.

Oooh, how could any of these or all of these be just as true, or truer?

Well, first of all, every life is full of peaks and valleys and every single one of these peaks or valleys has taught me immensely. Wow. I certainly had other important things to focus on besides starting a business at age 25. It was called ending my addictions and discovering a new way to look at the world, and myself. I wouldn’t give it up for something else. (I couldn’t anyway, point taken). There is no win or lose. It all crumbles as soon as I start looking closely.

I’m doing it better for me. True. There’s no one who could do my life except me. So of course I’m doing it better than anyone else. My job is to be this one, here. Not that one over there.

And what if I was doing it better, for her? She could find my life path just as inspiring. I might have something to offer her. Including appreciation for the clear and powerful example I’m seeing right before me of career success. She might enjoy me being over here, just as much as I do!

Ah the beauty of seeing how incredible it is to be able to observe another human, or many other things in the apparent environment, and notice they are included in my path, because I’m seeing them.

They are a part of me.

Oh! Ha ha!

Not separate. Not left out.

Included, connected, open to all the beauty this beautiful mind discovers–so many things it loves….EVERYWHERE

“The only permanent solution to your problems is to go inside and let go of the part of you that seems to have so many problems with reality. Once you do that, you’ll be clear enough to deal with what’s left.” ~ Michael Singer in The Untethered Soul

Much love,

Grace

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Tasting the freedom of NO liking, wanting, hoping for Something Else

happy is over there, not over here
happy is over there, not over here

Not long ago I was working with an inquirer who heard about a friend’s new job, and felt jealous.

A month before, I worked with an inquirer who was jealous of her husband’s career success (they were in the same line of work).

Sometimes, people feel jealous around love relationships….my partner, or my love-interest, is drawn or attracted to someone else (not me) and I feel threatened.

it feels so true that this other person has it made and we haven’t made it. They’re set. They’re safe. They’re loved. They’ve arrived.

People even feel this way about other people who have “awakened” or “woken up” spiritually.

They’ve gotten “there”.

Not me.

I’m left out here in the dust without security, stability, love, peace, intimacy, popularity or success.

Wow. It’s a rough place to be.

The first thing I always notice about this kind of comparison, is that whomever we’re looking at, who has “more” of something desirable….

….we feel absolutely positive they’re having a better time than we are. They are happier, more fulfilled, doing it right, proud, satisfied, peaceful, relaxed.

Those people with all that money, fame, beauty, even those “spiritually enlightened” people are enjoying themselves.

Not me.

So I better keep trying to get over there. I’ll do whatever it takes. I’ll spend money, I’ll travel, I’ll go on trainings or retreats, I’ll fix myself, I’ll plan. I won’t truly rest until I get what I want.

What I want is not right here. I have to go get it.

But who would you be without thinking that happiness is achieved by getting “x” or doing “y”? Who would you be without comparing in any way?

Who would you be without believing other people are happier than you if they have “more” of something? Who would you be without the story that achieving “x” means you’re now at peace forevermore, or at least closer to it than if you didn’t achieve “x”?

Huh.

It’s weird.

Who WOULD I be?

No idea.

You mean….I can stop trying?

But. What if I lay down in the street and just let cars run over me? What if, when I stop, I die? What if I dissolve into a puddle and stop caring? Won’t that be depressing? Or sad? What if I never make a bunch of money, then, or find the perfect partner, or do that thing?

Nooooooooooooooooo!

Except.

If I don’t need that other thing in order to be happy, like I really don’t need the same job as my friend just got, what would that be like?

What if I didn’t need something called “awakening” or “to become enlightened” right NOW in order to be happy?

What would it be like to let go of all of it? No more expectations. No more plans, hopes, wishes.

No more waiting.

No. Waiting.

Ha ha.

Wheeeee!!

“That’s how powerful LIKE and DISLIKE are. They steal your entire life. They own you. They possess you. They destroy your life and they keep you from God. But if you watch this process of “like” and “dislike”….and you stop participating in this process anymore, it’s like the ants step off the treadmill. ‘I don’t care who’s ahead. I’m done with the entire process of liking and disliking’. You no longer have to stay there to monitor or participate. When you no longer play in that process, your state of being is released. At that point you are a gift to all of humanity.” ~ Michael Singer in a talk on Preferences

Much love,

Grace

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left out on the dance floor helps to end the dream (the nightmare)

leftout
what is really unbearable here? separation…..or Unity with everything?

Yesterday in Year of Inquiry people read their worksheets at the beginning of our call, as always (and as I also say to everyone….if you don’t have a worksheet, you are ALWAYS still welcome).

Scenes of being left out emerged, or fear of criticism.

I rotate people in to take turns offering the thought to question, and the woman whose turn it was shared her situation with us.

A moment when she’s watching her partner express love and openness…..and it’s not to her.

The speedy quick lightening bolt of “I am left out” arises, almost without words.

The mind is so quick in its assessments, isn’t it?

I have one of those moments, from the past, and I still remember it vividly, it was so fascinating….

I was loving getting to know a man who I found very unusual, quirky and adorable. It was mid-life and after divorce and something about this man was very different and not the typical type of guy I had been attracted to in the past.

He was the facilitator/instructor of a dance I started attending. For a long time, I participated and noticed him and honestly, found it quite wonderful that he didn’t approach me, look at me, or try to dance with me. (I was very inward in a rather exciting, moving, wild way and dancing without words and without obligation facilitated this inward movement of change brilliantly).

The moment I remember so vividly was after this new man in my life had become a companion for a few months.

I was no longer so inward and quiet at that point. I had been attending almost a year, twice a week. I had made some new friends, pretty amazing and friendly people, and found myself finally breathing more deeply in this different chapter of my life.

On the freeform dance floor, everyone dances however they want, moving towards and away from other dancers, dancing alone, joining others mid-song, following the flow of your own movement without instructions, rules, or steps.

It’s a brave and strange experience, but then….not brave at all–just you being you, moving in a body.

I loved it.

One night, this flash of a moment, I looked across the dance floor to see my new companion dancing closely with a woman.

The music stopped, with a pause of silence before the next song soon began, but they did not part from a close embrace, foreheads touching. When the next tune began, they continued to hold still, close, together.

Suddenly a zap of adrenaline surged through my whole body.

I’m left out.

This means….

It’s almost without words, it’s so fast.

But it means something terrible, in that kind of moment. It means I’m abandoned, I’m lost and untethered, this is threatening in some way. That’s what the body is saying it means, as I feel the fear of zapping anxiety run through me.

The Work is about not ignoring this, or pretending it doesn’t matter. The Work is not about acting like you don’t care what you’re looking at disturbs you, or giving yourself a pep talk about how it’s not what you think and all is well and this is not a problem and you better not show you’re so insecure and already acting like you own him so get your act together.

That’s one of the things I love about The Work.

The Work says “tell me everything, everything, everything about that moment.”

That’s step one….allowing everything to come into consciousness that frightens you about a moment in time, and what you’re believing that causes you torture and pain.

I was left out.

Is it true?

Yes.

I’m not in that pairing over there. I’m over here, on the outside of the circle, on the fringes. Alone. Abandoned.

Are you sure???

Who would you be without the belief you are left out? Who would you be, how would it feel inside the body, without the notion that I am not included in something and I should be?

Whoooosh.

I’m back inside my body, without the belief I’m left out.

My arms move, my eyes take in lights, motions, dancers, colors, legs, arms, peoples’ feet, floor. The energy pulsates inside me. I hear music, flutes, drums, cello, horn, tambourine. I see so many other teeth smiling, eyes laughing, faces expressing all around me.

And over there, this new man I adore is in a tender pose, kind and connected with another human being on the dance floor, unafraid to show public closeness to someone else right in front of me. He is free, I am free.

Turning the thought around: I am not including him, I am not including myself.

I am filled with resistance to what I see, I am assuming it means something about me (it didn’t) and how I won’t get enough love, attention, connection. Or something dangerous, called abandonment or loss, might happen.

The turnaround continues, endlessly, to be true: I am included.

I am part of a human family celebrating to music on a dance floor. Together we are all sharing. I dance with others, including both men and women. It’s absolutely beautiful.

I am included in breathing the air, in sweating and drinking delicious water, in being here, body on dance floor….body on planet earth.

With this particular man, he is one of the happiest human beings I know, not seeking and grabbing for contact from others (or me) but very content within himself. He loves dancing with men and women, with strangers and friends. He moves with joy. He trusts himself. He is not intent on being worried about what I think (that’s my job). He has deep integrity, and loves honest talk.

I included myself later by being very honest, sharing with him that I had seen him hugging another and felt a surge of fear, and we had a fabulous conversation about intimacy, physicality, contact in dance, closeness, touch….

….and everything we’d ever learned about it and what we wanted to un-learn.

“Most people want to keep dreaming that they are special, unique, and separate, more than they want to wake up to the perfect unity of an Unknown which leaves no room for any separation from the whole….To the ego such uncontaminated love is unbearable in its intimacy. When there are no clear separating boundaries and nothing to gain the ego becomes disinterested, angry, or frightened. In a love where there is no other, there is nowhere to hide, no one to control, and nothing to gain.” ~ Adyashanti

As I do The Work, I see the fine, exciting, and mysterious dance of relationship I have with anyone reveal itself as….amazing, startling, uncontaminated love.
No one is required to do anything to keep me happy.
Except, well….me.

Much love, Grace

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Thank You People Who Left Me In The Desert

“He/she shouldn’t act that way in front of me. He/she shouldn’t like anyone else. She/he shouldn’t have a history with another woman. She/he should leave him alone. She/he shouldn’t exist. This shouldn’t be happening.” 

When I read or hear these kinds of thoughts, I notice many people might think almost immediately afterwards, before these thoughts are even completed practically….

….that they shouldn’t be thinking them.

I’m beyond on all that, right?

I don’t have these kinds of thoughts! I don’t care which boyfriend is now with someone else, or what my partner once had with another!

That kind of thinking is for people who are attaching too much to the story of their partner, or stories about love and commitment and intimacy!

And yet….

….even the most brilliant, thoughtful, loving, kind people will have concerns that they want to be the only one in their partner’s life, or wish deeply that it went another way than it went.

I remember learning about a man I admire who finally found the woman of his dreams, after more than a decade of hunting and making it known to people in his world that he was searching for this woman.

He described their finally meeting, the fire that burned, the knowing. He described the fun, the wildness, the marriage proposal, the fights and make-up conversations, the passion, the dream-come-true.

Fights? They have fights? Like yelling and intense words?

Yes.

Oh, I thought.

I do not have that in my marriage. That sounds different. The freedom, the energy, the action, the zest, the fervor.

But I immediately laughed…it’s funny how the mind will compare, and decide you lose, or something a wee bit on the edge should be different.

Many people contact me because of terrible jealousy.

People are brilliant and wise. They know it is something going on inside their own minds, which is why they contact me in the first place, since they know self-inquiry will help them see the picture and question it honestly.

It’s like closing the gap between this knowing that they are attaching to something, but not sure how to stop.

The first thing to do, if you notice you feel jealous or envious of someone else, especially when it comes to love, is to allow your raging teenage or childish voice to write down what you’re most afraid of on paper.

(It can be absolutely anything you’re jealous of–I had big envy of other peoples’ money 8 years ago that doesn’t appear to exist now–after doing self-inquiry many times on wealth and money).

Let those thoughts about what you’re so afraid of be there, instead of thinking immediately “I should be beyond this…I AM beyond this.”

Once you’re there, in that space of seeing this other man or woman in your mind and feeling pain because they are with someone else, you can write what you really think should be happening instead.

You let that little child in you speak. You’re honoring that scared part.

And then….inquire.

I found every time, the only reason I would ever experience jealousy is because of what I believed it meant: That I was worthy of being left for someone else, that I was un-wantable, that I was losing out or missing out, that I needed to be something MORE than what I was, or LESS.

Who would you be without the belief that it’s terrible if someone you care about wants to go be with someone else? Who would you bewithout the belief that it means you’re missin’ out, or you’re abandoned, or you’re not as good as that other person?

Who would you be in your present moment, if NONE OF THESE MEANINGS are true?

I notice without using my busy mind which loves to make comparisons….

….they are just pictures floating through like a breeze. These images are very small. They are unimportant.

They are almost funny.

Actually they may make you laugh.

If you turned around the beliefs that it’s bad when someone goes off to be with someone else…..

…..WOW.

What would you notice? What is that like?

How could it be an advantage for you, a wonderful and marvelous and incredible experience that this person is doing what they’re doing, has done what they’ve done?

What does that make available or possible for you?

Could you open up to the idea that it should happen exactly the way it is, so far?

What if it has nothing to do with your worth….or even beyond that….what if it means you are deeply worthy and your are very want-able somewhere else? 

What does it take for you to wake up and see how amazing you are?

How has it been that the person in question does you a favor, by having this history, or moving or acting the way they do?

“You see persons and things not as they are but as you are….How can you love people when you need people? You can only use them. If I need you to make me happy, I’ve got to use you, I’ve got to manipulate you. I’ve got to find ways and means of winning you. I cannot let you be free. I can only love people when I have emptied my life of people, then I’m right in the desert. In the beginning it feels awful, it feels lonely, but if you can take it for awhile, you’ll suddenly discover that it isn’t lonely at all. It is solitude, it is aloneness, and the desert begins to flower. Then at last you’ll know what love is, what God is, what reality is.” ~ Anthony DeMello 

Thank you to the people who helped me stay in the desert because they were unavailable.

I would have never seen, with honesty, what I was so attached to, what imprisoned me in fear and grief and anticipation.

Thank goodness, thank God, thank mystery for their courage to move away from me.

Who would you be if all was perfect, as it is, when it comes to those other people?

They helped me find myself again.

Much love, Grace

P.S. If you notice jealous thoughts about MONEY then join us on January 6th to start a new year with living turnarounds about money, your wealth, your power, your freedom, your security. It’s so fun!Click here to register.

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Open Your Heart To Jealousy

Many years ago I found out someone didn’t like me at my job.

I kinda knew this person wasn’t exactly fond of me, even though we didn’t know each other very well. She seemed to act weird around me, like trying to one-up me or making comments that sounded a little mean.

Then I found out from someone else why.

Jealousy.

This wasn’t the first time, either.

When I was a kid I had three younger sisters. I was naturally FIRST at a bunch of stuff. I went to school first, piano lessons first, girl scouts first, roller skating first, on stage for the school holiday play first.

I also always said “I DIBS FRONT SEAT!” when everyone had to get in the family ford van to go somewhere with my mom. I was never challenged.

I won most board games, or hop scotch, or jump roap. When you have a few years’ edge on your siblings, you can’t help it.

And sometimes, my sisters got really mad. “It’s not fair! How come she gets the best bedroom in the house!” This protest came up maybe…twice. In my entire life as a kid.

It makes me cringe a little now…because of the way I made darn sure no one knocked me off my #1 place. I was sooooo bossy. My attitude towards my sisters was “Don’t mess with me! I am the leader! Oh yeah!”

Not exactly good for close, supportive, connected relationships with my sisters.

When I heard that this woman, who seemed very stressed around me, was jealous….

….part of me had this reaction:

  • what is her problem?
  • jeez, she is so insecure!
  • what a loser
  • she shouldn’t compete with me
  • she should be kind to me
  • she shouldn’t be jealous
  • she should think I’m awesome
  • she is so uptight
  • how annoying!

I was all full of attack thoughts and I practically wanted to quit my job at that moment, or do anything possible, to NEVER see her AGAIN!

And I could feel how unloving my reaction.

She shouldn’t be jealous of me. She should like me.

Is it true?

Yes. That is such a waste of energy, so uncaring, so divisive! It builds such a wall between us! She is so so mistaken! She should STOP!!

Can I absolutely know that this is true?

No. Gosh. Funny how I’m overlooking my demand that SHE needs to change in order for ME to be happy. Heh heh.

No. She should be herself. There’s something important going on inside her.

How do I react when I believe someone shouldn’t be jealous of me?

Afraid! I want to avoid them. I want to put more space between us. I’m scared of her assumptions. I don’t like her not liking me, this is terrible.

This is a Snow White emergency! That evil queen so full of jealousy made everyone’s life miserable!

In high school, if I ever had this thought and I was scared someone was rejecting me because of jealousy….I tried to act overly nice, sweet, sugary syrupy extra over-the-top pleasant. Or I was kind of frozen in their presence.

Please don’t reject me! I’m not that great! I have problems!

Lordy! So much energy directed towards this person and the fear of their not accepting me…and sad when the reason they don’t like me is because of something apparently positive.

So who would I be without the thought that she shouldn’t be jealous of me?

I would remember that everyone has their own life of feelings, thoughts, perceptions….and I am not the boss of them.

Without the thought that she should stop? She shouldn’t reject me?

I’d see her as doing the best she can.

“Do you really want to enter the room in which someone’s feelings are formed? Do you want to control his mind, to barge in and insert the thoughts and feelings YOU want him to have? Is it even possible?” ~ Byron Katie 

Wow.

I realize how I am demanding that this person NOT have the feeling they have. I discover how afraid I am of someone else being jealous.

I suddenly realize how I’ve believed my whole life that people shouldn’t be jealous, even when it’s NOT about me! Jealousy is evil!

I turn the thought around: She should be jealous of me. 

How could this be as true or truer than my original belief? What’s an example?

Weird….it’s hard to find at first. I think more about “jealousy”. What is it?

The dictionary defines it as suspicious, resentful, envious….it gives an example in the dictionary in a sentence: “she went into a jealous rage”.

Without the story that jealousy is evil and that it means people will KILL, I notice that I am OK, so is she. Everyone is fine.

I notice that as I feel more centered inside myself, and not her, I feel free to be me. She doesn’t have to like me. She doesn’t have to stop.

“Life is surrounding you with people and situations that stimulate growth. You don’t have to decide who’s right or wrong. You don’t have to worry about other people’s issues. You only have to be willing to open your heart in the face of anything and everything, and permit the purification process to take place.” ~ Michael Singer

Yes, it is good that she is jealous of me because I can practice the deepest compassion. I can open my heart.

I can un-do this story, for me.

I shouldn’t be jealous of her. I shouldn’t be jealous of myself. I shouldn’t be so concerned with jealousy, period.  

Simply stopping the incessant comparison. Stop defending. Stop protesting.

Jealousy isn’t safe…..is it true?

Oh. Maybe that’s a fairy tale.

Love, Grace

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Me? Jealous? Never!

The dynamic of jealousy can be one of the most painful, agonizing experiences a human can have internally, believing their fearful thoughts about someone else being better than us, someone else ditching us or finding us unimportant, and what it could mean about the future, or about the past.

There are several kinds of jealousy, it seems: sibling jealousy, workplace jealousy, romantic jealousy, jealousy in friendships, business jealousy, success jealousy.

And then on top of it all….there is often condemnation of the person who is actually jealous. That person is crazy, insecure, wrong, mixed up, fearful, distrusting, resentful.

That jealous person needs to work through their issues! JEEZ! Get a life!

No one would want to be around a jealous person. No one wants to get involved with a jealous person. Not one wants to BE the jealous person.

I used to think of myself as very NON jealous. I rarely experienced it in romantic relationships. Why would I want a prison for a relationship? Why would I want to ask a someone to adjust their contact with others so I myself could feel more comfortable? That seemed weird.

I was sooooo above all that.

Until I noticed one day several years ago that I was “jealous” of a woman who was very successful in her field. She offered great service to clients, she was a former dancer in incredible physical condition, she is 14 years younger than me, she had a book published in 10 languages, she ran events that she led that drew 1000 people, she made six-figures every month, and she had amazingly gorgeous hair.

And then there were MORE women like her showing up in my life. People who apparently, the story went, had a gazillion dollars more than ME and were published! Creative! Inventive! Crowds of followers!

It was like the areas of this world I found difficult but highly valuable….and felt a bit lacking in….were all displayed in these amazing women. There she was, the successful one over there.

Here I was, the dork over here who had debt, age, non-accomplishment, failure, sickness, and not only was not published, but I hadn’t ever even finished a whole book.

My hair at least was OK.

Jealousy shows up in different ways for different people. I felt like these women were larger than life. Beyond me. Extraordinary.

Eckhart Tolle speaks about jealousy and envy as a view of others from the absolute perspective of lack.

“The basic condition of the egoic self is a deep-seated sense of lack, of not enough, not complete…and then it looks for the next thing to fill the hole that is always there…” ~Eckhart Tolle

So at that moment that I noticed someone on the planet who I admired enormously, someone who amazed me with her accomplishments.

And I noticed at the same moment practically that I simply could never do what she has done. Oh how deflating. I’ll never get there, never be that, never do it.

That part of the mind likes to compare. It’s like the most dissatisfied, worried, anxious voice you ever heard. What’s wrong with you? How much of your life have you sat around on your butt? I’ve heard of wasting time but this is ridiculous! You see that over there? That’s what success looks like! Fer Gawdsakes, look at you!

Identifying and questioning these pesky little thoughts when they spring forward can catch the most powerful moment of jealousy or envy in the bud, and nip it.

“When we’re in the student position, we’re growing. When we’re in the teaching position, we’re stuck…There is nothing negative in the world. If I see something negative, I am believing insane thoughts…” ~Byron Katie

If I am a person who questions my thinking, who is open to the unknown, to mystery…if I am someone who is a student of my awareness, of the reality that shows up around me…then I notice I do not compare.

There is nothing negative in the world, INCLUDING ME. Including you.

What could be fabulous about this incredible, accomplished woman showing up in my life?

Wow. I have a role model. I am inspired. I see how she’s a human being, like me. I can turn the thoughts I have around of myself like “I’ll never make it. I can’t do it. I’m not successful. It’s too late for me. I’m not good enough.”

Really?

Maybe instead, as a student, a teacher has appeared. Showing me the inspiration, joy, beauty, power, success, excellence, and achievement that is possible.

Everyone is God in disguise. The rough people, and the idolized people as well.

“The difference between a good artist and a great one is: the novice will often lay down his tool or brush, then pick up an invisible club on the mind’s table, and helplessly smash the easels and jade. Whereas the vintage man no longer hurts himself, or anyone, and keeps on sculpting Light.” ~ Hafiz

Question your thoughts when you believe you don’t measure up to that other image, over there. Question your not-enough-ness.

Sculpt your light.

Love, Grace