I kinda knew this person wasn’t exactly fond of me, even though we didn’t know each other very well. She seemed to act weird around me, like trying to one-up me or making comments that sounded a little mean.
Then I found out from someone else why.
Jealousy.
This wasn’t the first time, either.
When I was a kid I had three younger sisters. I was naturally FIRST at a bunch of stuff. I went to school first, piano lessons first, girl scouts first, roller skating first, on stage for the school holiday play first.
I also always said “I DIBS FRONT SEAT!” when everyone had to get in the family ford van to go somewhere with my mom. I was never challenged.
I won most board games, or hop scotch, or jump roap. When you have a few years’ edge on your siblings, you can’t help it.
And sometimes, my sisters got really mad. “It’s not fair! How come she gets the best bedroom in the house!” This protest came up maybe…twice. In my entire life as a kid.
It makes me cringe a little now…because of the way I made darn sure no one knocked me off my #1 place. I was sooooo bossy. My attitude towards my sisters was “Don’t mess with me! I am the leader! Oh yeah!”
Not exactly good for close, supportive, connected relationships with my sisters.
When I heard that this woman, who seemed very stressed around me, was jealous….
….part of me had this reaction:
- what is her problem?
- jeez, she is so insecure!
- what a loser
- she shouldn’t compete with me
- she should be kind to me
- she shouldn’t be jealous
- she should think I’m awesome
- she is so uptight
- how annoying!
I was all full of attack thoughts and I practically wanted to quit my job at that moment, or do anything possible, to NEVER see her AGAIN!
And I could feel how unloving my reaction.
She shouldn’t be jealous of me. She should like me.
Is it true?
Yes. That is such a waste of energy, so uncaring, so divisive! It builds such a wall between us! She is so so mistaken! She should STOP!!
Can I absolutely know that this is true?
No. Gosh. Funny how I’m overlooking my demand that SHE needs to change in order for ME to be happy. Heh heh.
No. She should be herself. There’s something important going on inside her.
How do I react when I believe someone shouldn’t be jealous of me?
Afraid! I want to avoid them. I want to put more space between us. I’m scared of her assumptions. I don’t like her not liking me, this is terrible.
This is a Snow White emergency! That evil queen so full of jealousy made everyone’s life miserable!
In high school, if I ever had this thought and I was scared someone was rejecting me because of jealousy….I tried to act overly nice, sweet, sugary syrupy extra over-the-top pleasant. Or I was kind of frozen in their presence.
Please don’t reject me! I’m not that great! I have problems!
Lordy! So much energy directed towards this person and the fear of their not accepting me…and sad when the reason they don’t like me is because of something apparently positive.
So who would I be without the thought that she shouldn’t be jealous of me?
I would remember that everyone has their own life of feelings, thoughts, perceptions….and I am not the boss of them.
Without the thought that she should stop? She shouldn’t reject me?
I’d see her as doing the best she can.
“Do you really want to enter the room in which someone’s feelings are formed? Do you want to control his mind, to barge in and insert the thoughts and feelings YOU want him to have? Is it even possible?” ~ Byron Katie
Wow.
I realize how I am demanding that this person NOT have the feeling they have. I discover how afraid I am of someone else being jealous.
I suddenly realize how I’ve believed my whole life that people shouldn’t be jealous, even when it’s NOT about me! Jealousy is evil!
I turn the thought around: She should be jealous of me.
How could this be as true or truer than my original belief? What’s an example?
Weird….it’s hard to find at first. I think more about “jealousy”. What is it?
The dictionary defines it as suspicious, resentful, envious….it gives an example in the dictionary in a sentence: “she went into a jealous rage”.
Without the story that jealousy is evil and that it means people will KILL, I notice that I am OK, so is she. Everyone is fine.
I notice that as I feel more centered inside myself, and not her, I feel free to be me. She doesn’t have to like me. She doesn’t have to stop.
“Life is surrounding you with people and situations that stimulate growth. You don’t have to decide who’s right or wrong. You don’t have to worry about other people’s issues. You only have to be willing to open your heart in the face of anything and everything, and permit the purification process to take place.” ~ Michael Singer
Yes, it is good that she is jealous of me because I can practice the deepest compassion. I can open my heart.
I can un-do this story, for me.
I shouldn’t be jealous of her. I shouldn’t be jealous of myself. I shouldn’t be so concerned with jealousy, period.
Simply stopping the incessant comparison. Stop defending. Stop protesting.
Jealousy isn’t safe…..is it true?
Oh. Maybe that’s a fairy tale.
Love, Grace