It was a Seattle misty-raining evening and already pitch dark, even though it was only 5:10 pm. You’d say “late afternoon” if it was summer.
I parked my car several blocks away from a hotel where a business networking meeting was already underway. I was late.
In my car, I had quickly grabbed a more “business” looking jacket, to put on over my long-sleeved aqua blue casual t-shirt. I had remembered to wear Not Jeans. As in black “business” looking pants.
When I entered, a man was standing up addressing the room, wearing a gorgeous gray business suit and red tie. The room was full.
As I made my way towards the closest open seat towards the back (people were sitting at tables for four) I was thinking thoughts like this:
- Oh no, this is worse than I thought, I don’t fit in
- Everyone looks so professional, managerial, like bosses
- I can’t do this entrepreneurial thing
- I won’t be able to stand it when they call on me to say what I do for a living (self-inquiry? counseling? The Work?)
- No one will understand me and what I do
- Everyone here is only interested in making money
- They only care about appearance, success, wealth
- I gotta get outta here!
RRRRUUUUNNNN!
Fortunately, I sort of “half ran”. I stayed planted right there physically (I couldn’t leave and draw attention to myself, right?)
But my mind whirled with nervousness and I probably had a plastic smile on my face. Like I was waiting for the first chance to lunge at an exit door. Maybe they’d take a bathroom break soon.
Later, after I “made it through” that ordeal…and I was back to safety…it occurred to me that doing The Work on this moment, this exact situation, might be not justinteresting….
….but maybe doing The Work on this would be very, very important for my own relationship with money, commerce, business, giving-and-receiving, offering a service in exchange for money, connecting with strangers…being free.
I got to work.
Is it true that I don’t fit in there? What does that mean…to not fit in? That I don’t have on the exact same outfit?
Seriously?
I don’t fit in because they are more interested in money than me?
(Yes, I often did my work for free, I had practiced many hours of volunteering my time to organizations, group talks and individual sessions with people).
Is that true that they are more interested in money than I am? Because they’re wearing a business suit?
Oh jeez. No. Gulp.
Is it true that because they want to market themselves, get more customers, read marketing books and take business-growth classes….that I don’t fit in?
Is it true that when someone has a lot of money, I am not like them? Have they succeeded somewhere I have failed?
Rats. But.
I’ve always thought it was so NOBLE and AWESOME to live like a monk, be able to live on nothing, to fit everything I own into my car.
Which is, by the way, a used Toyota. Not an SUV. Which they probably drive.
Aren’t I amazing how detached I am from material possessions? So light and carefree? So giving?
Yet I can’t absolutely know that it’s true that these people, in this meeting, are any different from me. In fact, I’m pretty sure they aren’t.
How do I react when I believe they want money….and it’s selfish, or they do it the wrong, mean way?
I perceive them as the enemy. I start firing out judgments like gun shots: see, this is mostly men, they are the top echelon of the culture, they don’t care about me or anyone so small as me, they are good-ol-boys, I’m too soft, or liberal, for them.
It’s very, very painful.
Wait.
I like doing The Work better on needing money, and finding out I don’t need money. Ha! I can Out-Not-Need You! I was anorexic once! I can overcome base human desires for things like food…and money…like you never could, you mean selfish….!!
That’s how I reacted.
How amazing to consider the fourth question, for once in my life: Who would I be without the thought that these people were bad and money was bad, and wanting money was bad? That I could exit out the back door and continue to not fit in?
I would look around the room and stop judging everyone’s clothing. I would notice colors, texture, sparkles, beauty.
I would see friendly smiles, welcoming someone who didn’t look completely at home here.
I would be absolutely delighted by all the camaraderie, joy, determination, passion, and excitement in the room.
Oh boy, I get to stand up and be in the spot light for a moment! I love the theater!
I may or may not come back to that meeting. Without stress.
I turn the thoughts around:
- Oh yes, this is better than I thought, I fit right in!
- Everyone looks so professional, managerial, like bosses–AWESOME
- I can do this entrepreneurial thing
- I will be able to stand it when they call on me to say what I do for a living–yes, in fact, I stood up and spoke, so I “stood” it.
- Everyone will understand me and what I do! How funny to think I can have this attitude just as easily as the opposite!
- Everyone here is interested in making money. Fabulous, because I am too.
- In this moment, I only care about appearance, success, wealth…yes. I am judging right and left with these three factors in mind.
- I am a cut throat, selfish, greedy, competitive meanie. I’ve hardly given them a chance! And they are gentle, generous, playful friendlies. Yes.
- I gotta stay right here!
There are so many examples of all these turnarounds….they all come alive as I sit in them, slowly doing my work.
I learn from wildly successful people, I listen and read and hear.
I let it all digest inside of me, knowing I am very successful and how much I love myself and my own pace and my own style.
I notice I still love jeans. There are no rules. I also absolutely LOVE the material, smell, silky fabrics and smooth muted patterns of “business” wear. How fun.
I also notice I love money, where I used to have a push/pull love/hate relationship with it (just like food, sex, relationships, parenting, life, the universe).
“Most people think that the world is outside them. They live life backward, running after security and approval, as if by making enough money or getting enough praise they could be happy once and for all. But nothing outside us can give us what we’re looking for.” ~ Byron Katie
When I am not so afraid of absence of money, the freedom has allowed me to move with ease, fun, excitement, and no longer procrastination.
Thank you, everyone, who supported me along this road to true security and joyful freedom. And more money.
If you’re interested in being more honest about your relationship with money, getting down to the boney depths of the love and hate….bring your thoughts to a group. It can help you see what you’re thinking, that keeps you in prison. And feeling poor.
The next MONEY teleclass (8 weeks) starts in December!
Love, Grace