Category: Addiction

Posted on

Trying To Be Detached

Most of us these days have thought about the term “Enlightenment”. In one of the online dictionaries it is defined as transcending suffering and desire.

That about sums up my determination in my late teens and throughout my twenties. The way I would handle not feeling confident, not having lots of money, not feeling happy, and constantly feeling empty and hungry and like actually eating tons of food or smoking and drinking a lot was that I would chase after every teacher, idea, book and philosophy that could teach me how to NOT WANT ANYTHING.

It seemed like being totally unattached would feel so free, painless, and easy.

Wouldn’t it be great to be detached and just be able to say honestly “uh, yeah, I don’t really care about eating anything right now. Whatever.”

Or, “I don’t care about having a boyfriend or a girlfriend, it doesn’t matter one way or the other.”

Or, “Who cares about my job, we’re all rats in the rat-race so I’ll just walk away from it or never get anything where I really have to do what the Man says”.

I like when the detachment chase becomes a little possible in some areas, and it seems like we’re conquering it. It feels so transcendent. “I’m beyond all this! It’s working! Hooray, I don’t care!”

The tricky part about this search for detachment is that it is just another strategy created by my mind. When something doesn’t work, the mind gets a bigger plan, says Katie. The new plan: Attain Enlightenment!!!!

The problem is, I was always there with my imperfect little self, making mistakes and having emotional ups and downs, sad then happy, angry then calm. Worried then not worried.

I think it’s called being a Regular Human.

It can feel like a weight is lifted off your entire world if you stop trying to “work” on your attachments. If you feel beyond them and like you get some distance, it feels so wonderful to not react.

But those of us who are drawn to detachment….like me….it’s good to be really honest and still find out what I care about, what I love, what I miss. Doing the Work doesn’t mean being passive and being detached and “loving what is” absolutely all the time without passion. It feels alive, aware, present, excited.

If you’ve been interested in Enlightenment and seeking it, write down all your concepts on what is good about it and what is wrong with you now, if you believe you’re not there yet.

I love what Adyashanti writes about seeking and trying to get to that state that we think is better than whatever is happening right now, whether it’s being detached like I used to want all the time, or feeling blissful:

“What does awakening mean for you? Do you want it because it sounds good? Then you’ve borrowed someone else’s idea of it. What is it that’s intrinsic to you? What’s been important to you your whole life? If you touch upon that, you are in touch with a force that no teacher or teaching could ever give you. You are quite on your own in finding it. No one can tell you what that is.”—Adyashanti

Love, Grace

Posted on

Shut This Down

How many times in my life I have had the thought about a person or an event, or a circumstance “this needs to be shut down”.

It feels like a natural place for the mind to go, once there are enough stressful beliefs accumulating about a person, place or situation. We get really full of emotion and feeling, angry, afraid, confused, conflicted, maybe steam is coming straight out of our ears…

In comes the terminator. Total control. Military. All guns pointed at the culprit. This must be stopped!

In that mode, I’ve done things like start a new food plan, “quit” things like cigarettes, or gone silent with people who are important to me (talk to the hand!)

There is something really amazing about the power of discipline and goals and taking action with lots of energy and conviction and courage. However, for me personally, I really need to look at what I was believing right before I decided to bring out the big guns. In the end, it’s a LOT EASIER.

It’s usually been thoughts like these:

*I can’t make it through the day without _________ (fill in the blank, like cigarettes) because ___________.

*There is no other solution except to drink alcohol or overeat in this moment

*I am simply powerless over this, I don’t have what it takes to resolve this situation

*That person is too manipulative, too mean, too frightening, too annoying

*I am getting hurt

If I question whether any of these are true, and spend some time with the opposites and find how this can be as true, I feel a different kind of power grow within me:

*I CAN make it through any day, without __________ because ________.

*There IS another solution

*I am capable, I have what it takes to resolve this

*That person is being perfect as they are

*I am getting healed

Questioning even one of the stressful concepts that enters the mind before we think we need to shut something down is incredibly liberating.

And, it does not mean that I will continue smoking or continue overeating, continue talking with someone in my life in the same frequency or the same way. It does not mean that I won’t walk away from a violent or really painful situation.

It means I find a loving place inside myself and I take action or not, and I don’t have to “know” 100% what to do. I wait with patience and love. I relax. I don’t have to find who the enemy is or what is “wrong” with my situation and ATTACK.

When I attack and go into serious terminator mode, I find that the energy it takes to keep holding the weapons of mass destruction and be “against” something or someone break down eventually. Then I’m back to the more confusing thoughts I had before I decided to SHUT THIS DOWN.

Staying with those confusing thoughts, not moving away from them or getting distracted from them, can be uncomfortable….but it stops the cycle.

When I question the beliefs that bring out lots of fear, I have no desire to be violent or like the military with my thoughts. There is no need. I know I am ultimately safe and I can let things and people be as they are.

I notice I move away from some people, say “no”, say “yes”, leave certain situations like places of employment or move to another city, or I notice that I never binge-eat or smoke cigarettes or use drugs of any kind. These are done not out of defense or attack, but out of a place that feels like love.

I love knowing that we’re all on a path of un-doing our belief systems that keep us needing a personal internal military. The next time you think “this needs to be shut down” see what you.

Love, Grace

Posted on

Superbowl Baloney Vs Blasphemy

It’s easy to dismiss the Superbowl as unimportant or baloney.

A lot of people do. I didn’t watch any of it.  I didn’t think about it much…I knew
people were out there enjoying themselves watching it and I wondered who was
winning and losing…but some people even speak as if they’re AGAINST the
Superbowl itself!

“There are more important things going on in the world…why make such
a fuss over something so ridiculous and contrived and UNimportant in the
great scheme of things?”

“Just a bunch of overgrown boys who promote violence, and competition…
pushing a stupid ball back and forth on a field.”

“All this fuss over a GAME. Look at all the money, the advertising, the
hype!”

But the fans might really think any of this kind of thinking is BLASPHEMY!

So who’s “right?” Wow, it’s just another competition!

One of the things I love about watching Byron Katie work with people is the
way she never “takes sides”…even when the person she’s working with seems
to have an absolutely LEGITIMATE case…

…even when I don’t notice that I’m subtly starting to “agree” with the persons story…
as are the people around me.

Katie also says that the longer you do The Work, the more you start to see that
EVERYTHING is a metaphor of mind.

So if you have no attachment to sports, whether it be the Superbowl or the soccer
matches in parts of the world where people are sometimes KILLED during rioting…

Watch your own reactions to:

Liberals vs Conservatives
Atheists vs Believers
Deep vs Shallow People
Accepting vs Judgmental People
Materialist vs Spiritual
Capitalist vs Humanitarian
Arrogant vs Humble
Rich vs Poor
Terrorist vs World Peace Activist
Haves vs Have Nots
Woman’s Rights vs Male Oppressors
Polar bears/Ozone layer/Global Warming vs
Big Oil & Earth-Destroying Uncaring Corporations

…and of course, the postman (or woman) vs the dogs!

Or… if it’s not sports, watch your reactions to a son or daughter or niece or nephew’s
performance at a debate, singing or piano recital, or spelling bee.

How do you feel in your body? Are you SO wanting them to do well…is it stressful?
Can you hardly stand the tension?

I can remember almost being sick before a cross-country meet when I was back in college, or before I went on stage when in the theater.

Or how are you doing right before a job interview?

There’s freedom in questioning ALL of the above…and less tension and stress in your body when you do…and more love.

As Katie also says, “What you’re left with AFTER you question your thinking is ALWAYS kinder than your story.”

One of my favorite places to question thoughts and judgments is in our RELATIONSHIPS…the “who’s right and who’s wrong” and the “winning and losing” can become incredibly painful.

So much so that the argument “takes over” and all we want to do is PROVE that our most beloved friends, children, lovers, co-workers…

…ARE WRONG, WRONG, WRONG!!

It’s the real nitty-gritty of our lives.

But it can be so confusing, and so hard to stop, even when it makes no sense at all and
everybody loses…

…just as intense as a screaming match between Giants and Patriots fans on
Superbowl Sunday.

And is it really any different?

The countdown to my next “Relationship Hell into Heaven” teleclass is just 3 days.
It starts on Super Friday, at 8 am PST for 8 weeks of uncovering what is happening
when we’re hurting the ones we love, hurting ourselves with the bitter negative thinking
about ourselves, and can’t seem to stop.

Wishing you clarity and laughter when you feel yourself getting caught up in winning and losing…

And by the way…I went to a fight and a hockey game broke out! (I love that joke).
Yes, laughing about competition is MUCH more fun than hating the competition.

Love,
Grace

Posted on

Non Superbowl Suicide Survival Testimonial

I was going to write an e-mail that had something to do
with the upcoming Superbowl…maybe about how powerful
our internal “winning and losing” can be…not just in fueling
the multi-billion-dollar sports industry…

But in arguments and power struggles with the people we
dearly love and cherish…that start as innocent differences of
opinion…but that then escalate…almost with a life of their
own…into winning and losing that hurts and attacks.

But I got this e-mail in response to the one Friday about
cravings and trying to fill ourselves and our lives with other things…

…like food, sex, money, looking beautiful, being smart and getting
lots of degrees, exercise, power, enough approval to make the
pain stop…it’s all the same thing.
———
Dear Grace,

I had tears in my eyes when I was reading your e-mail from yesterday.

I could really see how your struggle with food and eating was just
like my attempts to do enough, and learn enough when I was
in my early twenties.

I was innocently trying to make myself OK, but didn’t know how.

I tried with all my strength but I just couldn’t ever succeed at what
I was trying to do which wasn’t anything all that unusual.

I was in such despair and depression after trying over and over
that I just couldn’t try any more and I couldn’t see that my struggle
would ever end.

I finally took sleeping pills and booze, to make sure it was enough
to kill me because no matter what, I didn’t want to go through this anymore.
My mom found me and I was rushed to the hospital
and was in a coma for a couple days.

I woke up and was then angry to still be alive and on top of everything
else, I would now have to face the embarrassment of having
tried to commit suicide.

Like you, and so many people I’ve talked to, I’ve done a life time
of seeking with every therapy, meditation technique, prayer, success
seminar, religion, book, practice, soul searching, journaling, and
trying to find answers from people I thought could provide them.

It seems that I learned something from everything, but with doing
The Work these last years, it seems that all my previous searching
makes sense and I have compassion for myself and what I was
doing and though I still struggle with many things, I notice a
deepening sense of peace and little by little, struggle less and less.

I find that working alone and with others in teleclasses and the
helpline and with friends who do The Work, I have a common
language of the soul to continue this process.

Sometimes there are periods where I actually don’t struggle
or strain at all.

It’s not a big mystical thing like I thought it would be.

But it is the greatest gift and miracle I could ever imagine to
just feel OK as an ordinary person.

–A friend in The Work and in Life.
—————–
I love hearing from this dear fellow traveler about his own life
journey.

Come join one of the upcoming teleclasses, all listed here. We
laugh, we cry, we investigate….amazing!

Love,
Grace

Posted on

Tebow-Time Thinking

If you haven’t heard of Tim Tebow, it’s
really quite a story, and fascinating to watch.

He’s an underdog quarterback for the Denver Broncos
and a very religious young man.

He just won an outstanding game where all the sports
pundits said he was washed up after  a couple
“dismal failures.”

He’s also been the center of HUGE polarizing controversies
about wearing his religion on his sleeve, whether he’s
good enough to play at this position, etc., etc.

Millions of people love him and millions hate him.

There are so many concepts surrounding things
like this…so many things to do The Work on that can take
us to our freedom.

I was a dedicated cross-country athlete in high school and college
and know how powerful the concepts of winning and losing are.

But it’s not just athletics.

It can be an argument where 2 innocent people with different
ideas gradually escalate into anger and viciousness about
who wins the argument…when they actually love each other.

Sometimes it’s polite viciousness and anger, sometimes it’s
with shouting and screaming.

It can be with food and eating and weight and whether
WE are winning or the FOOD is winning (when it’s
really our thinking).

It’s fun just looking at the Tebow phenomenon, where people
identify so fiercely with an underdog, like Tim Tebow, and have
HUGE emotional investments in how their “hero” does…
it makes for wonderful Work.

Winning and losing and “proving” ourselves can fuel
billion dollar industries-sports, politics, or a business trying
to get “market share,” or get revenge and crush the competition.

Or it can make us suffer along, with every bite of food we take.
My weekend on food and eating is in three days in Seattle. We are officially full but there’s room for one more if you email me soon. We’re diving into the game and getting to the root of what we’re believing—would love to have you join me.

Much love, Grace

Posted on

Breakfast Cereal Killer

Recently a guy in my one of my teleclasses mentioned
the Showtime hit, “Dexter.”

Apparently, Dexter is a serial killer who only kills “bad”
guys…so the audience finds themselves rooting for him.

Which, of course, makes me think of the “serial killing”
we do in our minds…especially around the subject of
food…but in other areas, too…money, sex, body image.

For some reason, we try not to direct our most vicious
thoughts toward others…at least we try not to let such
“nasty” stuff pop up into our awareness.

But when it comes to ourselves, the attacks aren’t just
every now and then…or once a week like a TV show.

The things we do to ourselves, in our minds, make Dexter
seem like a saint. We annihilate ourselves with a ferocity
and mercilessness we’d NEVER inflict on anyone else.

If we don’t do something “right,” we just get meaner
with ourselves…innocently believing it will help.

The greatest gift I can help you find…is treating yourself
with infinite care and exquisite gentleness and patience.

Which melts even our most icy, hard-hearted places…and then
extends outward to those around us as naturally and without
effort as opening your eyes in the morning…or enjoying
the warm kiss of the sun peeking out from behind a cloud,
or a delectable bite and fragrance of our favorite childhood food.

It’s the greatest gift I’ve ever been given after all those
years of trying to fix myself and be better and be worthy.

Natural…effortless…”being” lived.

To glimpse the gratefulness of this reality is available to all
of us and expands with questioning our minds…

…little-by-little into a life without suffering.

…which is our birthright.

Love,

Grace

P.S. An amazing woman in my “business” teleclass recently
said she was looking to join a group and just happened to
find me on the Byron Katie website.

She said it didn’t matter what group, she knew that
working on her thinking in ANY area, would spill over
into every other.

And that’s what happened. Suddenly, working on
her business became the perfect thing to do.

So take a look at what’s coming up next. My
in-person Seattle workshop about food, weight, body image,
(and trying to make sense of all that) is the Friday
evening and weekend of January 13.

It’s followed up by my 8-week telegroup on the same
subject on Jan. 17. This telegroup is open to you whether
you attend to in-person workshop or not.

Then 2 days later, the 8-week “Sexuality” telegroup
starts on Jan. 19th. It’s called:

Our Wonderful SEXUALITY: Untangling the Passion, Attraction,
Love, Fear, Confusion, Tenderness, and Joyful Intimacy

Dates, times and cost are all at my website (which I’m working
on so be a little patient if there are a few glitches).

The homepage link is: www.workwithgrace.com

P.P.S. I encourage you to forward this e-mail to a friend
or family member…someone who’s suffering…someone who
you think might enjoy hearing from me…or just someone you’d like to
join you on your journey…who you’d like to share in
this amazing adventure. Thanks so much.

“Thank you so much for another great class today. I’m just getting so much out of every week’s class and all the Work it’s inspiring in between”—-Jennifer, Ontario

Posted on

Eating Disorder in Mouseville

Did you know that Disney (aka: Mickey Mouseville) was in
the headlines the other day? Because of eating disorders?

A former Disney actress named Demi Lovato was in a
Tweet war with Disney, her former employer. It was over a joke
about eating disorders on a show called, “Shake It Up.”

I won’t go into the details, but it sure reminds me of
my own internal war about food, body image, and
the battle with myself and others.

I used to rage against the world and myself.

It was an internal NUCLEAR holocaust that ravaged every
aspect of my life.

And not just total annihilation of ME…but also of YOU
if you so much as raised an eyebrow about the subject.

God help you if you made a joke.

Now it’s  more like the occasional “ping” of an
underpowered BB gun-a reminder of former horrors.

Now my heart goes out to Demi Lovato and Oprah and
John Candy and Karen Carpenter and Elton John and
Mamma Cass and Daniel Johns and Lady Di.

I also admire them for their courage to be open about their
struggles and encourage others to get help.

And it doesn’t matter if it’s weight loss or weight gain,
anorexia or bulimia, a few extra pounds or comfort
eating for the depression after the emotional holidays.

It’s all the same process when you finally start to
understand the simplicity of why we struggle, how the
mind works, and what to do to finally get relief.

It’s not about MORE control but about LESS.

Because war doesn’t work. It just creates the illusion of control
and temporary peace…’till the pressure builds and explodes
all over again…and again…and again…destroying
our lives and everyone around us.

There’s a better way-beyond discipline and self-control
(which are just cleverly disguised buzzwords for internal war).

I’d love to help you put down your weapons and your war.

I’d love to show you the way of the “peaceful warrior,”
that is FAR MORE POWERFUL than brute force-though
the whole world would tell you different.

It’s the only way I know that’s not just putting a finger in the dike.

I never knew life could be lived without self-hatred,
confusion, rage, depression, and shame.

But it IS possible.

In the meantime, do your best to be gentle with yourself.
Be kind to yourself. And give yourself some credit for
everything you’ve tried so far.

Go to my website. Grab a little courage and hope.

Love, and every good thing,

Grace

Posted on

Santa’s Eating Disorder

Poor Santa.

He’s already worried about that “little extra”
around his middle-and the chimneys get smaller every year.

He knows how tough the holidays can be for anyone
who struggles with food-yet EVERYONE leaves out milk
and cookies and they feel offended if Santa doesn’t eat it
all…down to the last bite.

On the other hand, Mrs. Claus is too thin.
He suspects she may have an eating disorder,
but he knows it’s just the flip side of his own struggle…

What to do?
————-
Dear Fellow Eaters,

Even though I’m bringing up this topic in a light way
(food, eating disorders, weight loss), it was deadly serious
for me for many years and I’m grateful to be alive.

I’m also grateful that eating is no longer an issue in my life…
except now I can enjoy it and and live like the people I used
to resent and be jealous of.

And I now get to help my fellow sufferers learn
that eating can be a pleasure-just a normal part of
life as ordinary as Tweeting a friend or brushing your teeth.

So if you’re fighting with your weight, frustration, an
eating disorder, binging, self-control, anorexia,
bulimia, body image, secrecy…I know them all.

I’m also WAY too familiar with all the self-torture surrounding
these “shameful” issues-depression, embarrassment, anger,
confusion, self-hatred, frustration, feeling misunderstood…

…trying with all your might to change…but having
nothing happen except feeling worse afterward (like
a failure) because your best shot wasn’t good enough and now
you’ve got nowhere to turn.

That was my life for many years–out of control
bingeing, compulsive eating, anorexia and bulimia.

But what’s really amazing is how these issues are ALL
the same when you get down to brass tacks-for men,
women, too fat, too thin…and everything in between.

And out of my own healing, and my study of addictions for 6 years
in college and my Master’s Degree…plus doing (and then becoming
certified in) Byron Katie’s “Work” for 10 years, and working with hundreds
and hundreds of clients…

I now lead both telegroups and in-person workshops that focus
on deep healing–demystifying why we seem to have no control of
our eating, then deprogramming ourselves in a whole new way…

…even if you’ve read all the books, gone to therapy, tried Jenny
Craig, Weight Watchers–even Overeaters Anonymous or
12-step programs on addiction (I did it all, and then some!).

My 2 upcoming programs come right on the heels of the most
difficult time of the year for most of us…between Thanksgiving
and New Years…where family tensions and emotions running
rampant seem to make eating issues spiral out of control.

And “by accident,” there’s something special about my programs this year.

I do have space limits for both programs and they’re filling up.

What’s special is that accidently (I’d like to say I planned it),
I have the weekend Seattle intensive followed immediately
by the 8-week telegroup.

So you have powerful immersion in the healing process,
followed immediately by an “anti-backsliding” program that
helps anchor your changes when you go back to “real” life.

Each program stands alone and/or supports the other.

I’d love you have you with me at both or either.

Love to all and a blessed holiday season,

Grace

NOTE: I’m also privileged to have both Santa and Mrs. Claus (and 2 elves)
registered for both January programs…though they seemed a little
“iffy” about the dates…I could hear them whispering something
about a Caribbean vacation.
————
“I find it a really amazing discovery that the hunger I was feeling previous really came from my mind (my UNQUESTIONED mind) and wasn’t just happening physically on its own. It’s amazing and wonderful to have found this out. I still love telling people how I’m literally only eating 50% of what I’m burning every day. I love telling them that the only obvious difference between now and all the other times I’ve gotten on the weight loss diet wagon is what’s going on in my head. I’m curious to find what other things can change in my life from applying the Work!

I had been through so much therapy, session after session after session, and I have searched in so many ways for peace of mind. And although therapy was helpful in some ways, I love The Work cuz it seems to have been the expressway to freedom!

Thank you again for your class. I’m so thankful for you to have reached out to help those of us who were looking for relief from this life-long battle! I honestly thought it was going to be a never-ending stuggle (but that’s cuz I was beliving my thoughts!)”—Anne, Los Angeles