Category: Addiction

Posted on

Attached To Praise

Many of us notice that we are attached to hearing praise. “Wow, you are so amazing, I love what you’re doing, your work is incredible, you did that so well, you get an A, you get a gold star, I would follow you anywhere, I’m madly in love with you, you’re just so perfect…”

Teachers say these kinds of things to students, parents to children, friends to their friends, lovers to each other, employees to bosses, bosses to employees. Anyone might say this who is trying to get the attention of the other person.

It is VERY interesting to watch the place inside that likes the praise. I now like that person who likes me. I do NOT like that other person who does NOT say good things about me.

I remember when I first discovered that I would begin to “like” someone when they apparently liked me. Mostly with authority figures who seemed to think I was doing a good job. If I did a good job at something, then I should do MORE of that.

I did not want to speak up about things I saw at work or school that might take away that positive talk and reinforcement and good feeling I had. I felt safe, I didn’t want to mess up that safe feeling. They like me, oh good. Nothing bad will happen, like getting fired.

Later in life, I seemed to become interested in men who expressed romantic interest in me, attraction for me…although the suspicion of my own motives began to offer me perspective. Just because he wants me, can I detach from knowing that and ask myself if I want him?

Now, there is absolutely nothing wrong with someone who is expressing interest, offering praise, saying they appreciate you, speaking their adoration….this is about seeing that some us of start to FORGET what we like and don’t like, because of what is being expressed.

Most of us are deeply drawn to being truly free. No need to receive positive strokes, hear what others think and hope that it’s favorable. But it’s hard to give up and enter the world of NOT KNOWING and doing what pleases ourselves, what is most kind to ourselves.

Here is a most beautiful test, though, thought up by Anthony deMello, that offers a true awareness of what is possible beyond all this pushing and pulling and going towards and going away from others: pretend you’re ultimately in a conversation with God, Source, Reality, the Universe.

You’re talking to IT, the Bigness beyond you. Now notice what it’s like if you tell God or the Universe that you don’t need it/him/her, or any of the praise that Bigness offers. Hearing how perfect you are does not “make” you move towards God differently, does not make you depend on God or feel attached to God.

What if you could say and feel “I am perfectly happy without you. You are free, I am free.”

Perfectly happy with or without The Universe? But I can’t do this life without some encouragement, praise, being loved, being wanted! Bosses have to like me, partners have to adore me, friends have to say how likable I am, God has to accept me unconditionally. I know what all those things look like, and I need them. I will be lonely without enjoying praise. I will be too detached, that would be weird.

“The difference between theism and nontheism is not whether one does or does not believe in God. . . Theism is a deep-seated conviction that there’s some hand to hold: if we just do the right things, someone will appreciate us and take care of us. . . Nontheism is relaxing with the ambiguity and uncertainty of the present moment without reaching for anything to protect ourselves.”~ Pema Chodron

Adyashanti once said during retreat “Enlightenment is standing on your own two feet”.

I am scared of giving up attachment to hearing warm, lovely praise only because I am imagining that it might be frightening out on the open empty plains all alone with no certainty.

But that’s what many of us really, really want. Total freedom. Not allowing ourselves to be manipulated by anything. Open and wild, trusting it all.

Love, Grace

 

Posted on

You Must Not Want It Bad Enough!

Stephen Mitchell, the author and translator of many ancient mystical texts (and married to Byron Katie), writes about non-action in his forward to his translation of the Tao Te Ching: A good athlete can enter a state of body-awareness in which the right stroke or the right movement happens by itself, effortlessly, without any interference of the conscious will.

All of us have this kind of experience in our lives, when things came together without our “trying” to make it happen. We know we want to be “over there”; for example, on a trip to a distant country, at a different point in our career, to change the shape of our body, to stop smoking, to reach peace in a vital relationship, to be on time, to win the competition.

And one day, we are there. Why now?

The thought that I can Do Something and Will myself to go in a certain direction, or will someone else to go in a certain direction, is very difficult to give up, especially if we are the type of person who loves discipline and structure.

Sometimes the sense of a lack of will power is the reason people hire life coaches or health coaches or personal trainers. They say things like “I’m gonna hire that coach so they kick my butt into shape” or “I need some accountability”. There is the person who is the whip-driver and the person who “needs” to get whipped. Power is perceived to be missing from the whippee. Something needs to be done. Things are very serious.

The deal these two people make often assumes that the person getting coached needs to make their will stronger, and to destroy some other loser part of themselves.

  • winners never quit and quitters never win
  • no pain, no gain
  • I’m going to get there, or die trying
  • get MAD!
  • you must not want it bad enough!

Have you noticed that the more you push, cajole, fight, twist, criticize, battle or attack something, the more energy it takes? The more you try to build up power inside yourself using force, the more tired you feel, or more unhappy, or more doubtful, and endlessly dissatisfied?

It does not feel stress-free, peaceful, or fun.

I remember giving up diets forever. They never, ever worked for me anyway. I got as thin as possible and it excellent physical condition, and then there was more effort, and a sense of being imprisoned and having to be alert at all times, cravings and anger at certain foods.

I wanted true freedom. Honest freedom. I wanted to be like I was when I was a child, when I barely remember food. I wanted my natural will, the way it was, to be effortless. I wanted to not have to work on my will power at all, to not think of myself as so lacking.

I had a lot of painful beliefs and thinking to question and Un-Do in order to get back to an uninhibited life around eating and my body. They were base-level core painful beliefs that were not true, like “I am unlovable, my appetite is too big, my feelings are too dramatic, I am greedy.”

Most importantly, I noticed that all of those kinds of thoughts about being fierce, aggressively holding the line, getting mad, or thinking I should be forcing myself to success were the opposite of loving and kind, and not the way I wanted to live.

If I could do it with food and eating, anyone can do it. I took my behavior and thinking to the extreme edges, which helped it all crash and burn. Total surrender. Total loss. Complete failure.

When it is not so serious and you give up fighting, instead of losing, you might find that playing comes alive. Joy, excitement, open to anything. Willing to have a body that does what it does.

“The best athlete wants his opponent at his best. The best general enters the mind of his enemy. The best businessman serves the communal good. The best leader follows the will of the people. All of them embody the virtue of non-competition. Not that they don’t love to compete, but they do it in the spirit of play. In this they are like children and in harmony with the Tao.”~Tao Te Ching #68

I want my aggressive big-appetite self to step out into the open, I want to enter and understand the mind of my obsessive self that gets fixed on things like an addict, I want to be open and supportive to every inch of my amazing body, I want to play with food and eating, explore my cravings, biting into yummy things and then moving on to something else the minute I’m full. In harmony with what is.

Posted on

My First Bulimic Episode

I was 18 years old and knew I would be attending a small liberal arts college so far away from my family home that it took 26 hours to drive there, or several hours by plane.

I knew the date I would be leaving home, in 3 weeks. Not going to this small academic college would have been an option, I suppose, but a terrible one (in my mind). In our family, people go to college. It means success. My father was a professor, my mother had an advanced degree and spoke fluent Spanish.

It never occurred to me that I might not want to go. People fail who don’t attend college. They work at low-income jobs for the rest of their lives. They don’t meet new friends who are also on a path to success.

I already had several years of practice in not understanding or expressing my own feelings. What I felt, I believed, was not important, and actually, would lead to disaster. My beliefs about Feelings went something like this:

  • people who cry or sob are way too dramatic
  • people who are angry need to control themselves and hold it in
  • “losing” ones temper means you are not mature or patient
  • people with big feelings are childish, disrespectful, and self-centered
  • having anxiety is a sign of weakness
  • people who have “negative” scowls instead of “positive” happy faces will fail in life

Unfortunately, I had already encountered anxiety, anger, irritation, sadness and any other feelings most human beings feel as they live their lives….along with learning what I was supposed to do with them. Which was generally NOT SHOW THEM.

When you have such judgment towards showing feelings….then when you have one, it takes energy to hide it, but you do everything you can to make sure you succeed.

The groundwork was perfectly laid for me to be drawn to use something, anything, to regulate myself.

My parents had a celebration send-off dinner for me in our back yard. Many people were there, although I can’t remember who, now that over 30 years have passed. What I do remember is that there was a ton of delicious homemade food, and I ate. That was the one thing that looked appealing.

I ate, and ate, and ate. It was like I couldn’t stop and it didn’t matter anyway….My first full-blown Binge episode. And then, excusing myself to go up to the bathroom and disengage from the intensity. Horrified at my lack of control. Hearing all the guests voices floating up in the summer air past the open window. Feeling such pain in my stomach and wondering how I could possibly have eaten so much that I was nauseated and my stomach hurt. Desperate. Wanting to sob, wanting help.

That evening, I decided that I would accomplish the task that I had imagined for quite awhile, I would force myself to throw up like the people who ate poison accidentally. I had never heard the word “bulimia”. But that’s what it was called, I later learned.

Thus began a long and interesting journey of having to admit there was a “problem”. Something off. And discovering that my feelings were not only important to understand and express, but that they were the golden key to understanding what I was believing and thinking about myself, the people around me, and about life.

As Byron Katie says, any stress is a “temple bell” waking you up to something. As I’ve said before, my stress was like a set of large cymbals crashing together. During a nap.

“Express yourself completely, then keep quiet. Be like the forces of nature: when it blows, there is only wind; when it rains, there is only rain; when the clouds pass, the sun shines through…..Open yourself to the Tao, then trust your natural responses; and everything will fall into place.”~ Tao Te Ching #23

If feelings are present, don’t futz with them. Don’t fight against them, criticism them, call yourself “out of control” or attack others for having them. But feeling them with respect, curiosity, openness….this is opening to the Tao, no judgment, no resistance. Allowing them, they move, they teach, and the clouds part.

Love, Grace

 

If you like this article, forward it to friends, family or colleagues. To get on the list to receive these directly via email, go to www.workwithgrace.com and enter your email in the sidebar. Your email will not be sold or used for any other purpose than these articles and announcements for Work With Grace. You can Unsubscribe at any time by clicking the button at the bottom of any newsletter.

 

Click Here to register for any fall class to learn how to do The Work of Byron Katie on these powerful topics in your life.

 

Horrible Food Wonderful Food – Tuesdays, Sept 18-Nov 13, 2012, 8:15-9:45 am Pacific (no class 10/30)

Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven – Saturdays, Sept 22-Nov 17, 2012 8 – 9:30 am PT (no class 10/27) 

Our Wonderful Sexuality – Fridays, Sept 21-Nov 16, 2012 10-11:30 am PT (class one time on Thursday 10/25, no class 11/2)

Money, Work and Business – Thursdays, Sept 27- Nov 15, 2012, 8-9:30 am Pacific Time (no class 11/1) 

 

Like us on Facebook 

 

Grace Bell, MA, Certified Counselor WA

Certified Facilitator of the Work of Byron Katie
website: www.workwithgrace.com
email: gracebell@comcast.net
phone: 206-650-1230
skype: graceebell
facebook: www.facebook.com/WorkWithGrace
twitter: ByronKatieCoach
blog: www.workwithgrace/grace-notes

Copyright© WorkWithGrace

Posted on

Go Towards The Dark

The study of Addiction; how it happens, what we mean by it, how we know we’re addicted, and how to find peace beyond it, is an interest humanity has had for centuries.

At a basic level, Addiction can be defined as a compulsive urge to escape the present moment, to escape feelings that rise.

A wonderful author and psychologist who has worked with people recovering from addiction for 30 years, Frederick Woolverton, describes any addictive process, no matter what the substance or activity, as an attempt to avoid internal darkness.

I remember Adyashanti saying at a retreat once that we’re all addicted to our thinking, we are all Addicts. We’re all addicted to distracting ourselves, forgetting about ourselves for awhile. To getting away from that pesky dark, emptiness we notice.

OH DEAR. Does this mean I have to go towards the darkness? Like, not AVOID it? But. That’s scary.

In our Horrible Food Wonderful Food teleclass this week a thoughtful participant offered the troubling concept “I need to control my emotions”.

I used to live with this belief under the surface of every interaction I had with others; going to work, studying, being with my parents, talking with friends.

All would be fine if my emotions were in check, if I didn’t actually feel anything dramatic, powerful, intense…if I didn’t feel scared, angry or sad. Then life was easy. Things were peaceful, simple, pleasant, fun or exciting.

But OH NO if I felt any fear over about a 2 on a scale of 0-10, or any sadness over a 4 on that same scale, or any anger more than a 1 on the scale of 0-10….then the need for a substance to help stop the feeling would come along. I couldn’t seem to close off the feeling on my own. “I need to control my emotions…I need to shut this down.”

How did I control my emotions? Why, by eating of course. Stuffing, shoving, cramming food in with a vengeance, with a force that was VERY ANGRY. I would also smoke cigarettes, having a quiet moment with them instead of actually expressing my deepest feelings to a human.

Drinking alcohol also served a purposed in changing feelings and thoughts. It would derail sadness and fear, kind of like switching theaters in the middle of an intense and troubling movie.

The problem is, while it appeared that I was doing everything I possibly could to control my emotions, they would pop up like geysers at Yellowstone. I’d run to plug up the fountain of emotion spewing out, only to have a new one pop up the next day 100 yards away.

It was a lot of work to avoid feeling big feelings, to avoid internal darkness.

Fortunately, the addictive process offers an unsatisfying and temporary solution. It also has really painful side effects….like horrible physical sickness or spending lots of money. There is no lasting peace whatsoever. It makes people wake up to wanting another way to live.

I found that through exploration and study of this amazing process of addiction, of giving myself a break from the attempt to control what was inside of me all the time, to be willing to stick with the internal darkness that haunted me, and to speak honestly to other people about it….the addictive processes stopped.

The good news is that just a drop of Willingness to be aware of what is happening inside of you, of being open to it instead of afraid of it, puts you on the path towards ending the annoying cycle of glimpsing darkness and trying to run away from it.

“Every addiction arises from an unconscious refusal to face and move through your own pain…you are using something or somebody to cover up your pain.”~ Eckhart Tolle

It can feel really difficult at first, when the addictive process you’re in doesn’t actually work anymore. When you stop using the substance or pattern, you may feel panicky or raw, or super-hyper sensitive. Your pain may now be sitting there totally exposed.

You may decide to look at the opposite to the concepts you’ve had before about your emotions. “I need to stop controlling my emotions, I need to feel everything, I need to share what I’m feeling authentically, I need to face my greatest pain…”

You may have to trust others who have gone before you….even if they’re saying “Go Towards The Dark!”  

It’s worth it.

Love, Grace

 

Click Here to register for any fall class.

 

Horrible Food Wonderful Food – Tuesdays, Sept 18-Nov 13, 2012, 8:15-9:45 am Pacific (no class 10/30)

Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven – Saturdays, Sept 22-Nov 17, 2012 8 – 9:30 am PT (no class 10/27) 

Our Wonderful Sexuality – Fridays, Sept 21-Nov 16, 2012 10-11:30 am PT (class one time on Thursday 10/25, no class 11/2)

Money, Work and Business – Thursdays, Sept 27- Nov 15, 2012, 8-9:30 am Pacific Time (no class 11/1)

Posted on

He Should Change

Anthony deMello, the wonderful Jesuit priest and author, wrote that he has news that is VERY GOOD:  none of us has to do anything to change. In fact, he said, the more you do, the worse it gets.

All we really need to do is understand ourselves.

We’re about to spend some time doing this starting Thursday, in the teleclass Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven. We look at relationships with ANYONE: spouse, parent, child, boss, colleague, employee.

Just like doing The Work of Byron Katie, there is no list of what you should do in order to change…in fact in a very careful, measured way, the suggestion of inquiry is to study the pain, like scientists studying ants or other strange insects.

So, I found myself thinking about someone who I have found troubling. When I think about him, I notice negative feelings inside. These feelings are inside ME, not inside HIM. So who is the one suffering with the negative experience here?

Step number one is to see what I’m thinking, what I think is true, what I repeat to myself over and over again when I think about this person:

  • he should get his life together
  • he should stop drinking
  • he’s deceptive, lying and manipulative

The only way I could have these kinds of thoughts and feelings is if I expected something different. I see fault, I see need for improvement, I see a more Perfect Image hanging over the person’s head.

I am actually demanding that the person change. They should be a little different, or a LOT different, than they are. The bigger the painful thoughts, the more demands I have, and vice versa. The bigger the emotion, the farther I see that person from their perfect possibility in my mind.

What is the common denominator in every experience I’ve ever had where there is a Problem? Hmmm, gosh…. Just one common element that is present, every time I experience stress, every time I see something missing or something not quite up to snuff?

What is it that is always present, every time I think about that annoying person? ME!

I am always present when I see a problem. Everything else, in fact, changes. People come and go, issues are different, concerns are new or old…but every time I see a problem, oops, there I am.

“In a genuine relationship, there is an outward flow of open, alert attention toward the other person in which there is no wanting whatsoever.”~ Eckhart Tolle

 Just imagine that person who you are judging and defining as less-than-perfect as instead someone who you want nothing for, and nothing from, at all. No wanting whatsoever.

There they are, shining their star (as a wonderful wise friend used to say to me). There they are, doing their thing. I can spend time with them, or not.

I turn everything around that I think, doing The Work:

  • I should get my life together, especially when it comes to analyzing other peoples’ lives
  • I should stop being addicted to my thinking that there is a problem with others
  • I am deceptive, lying, and manipulative, especially when I’m thinking I’m Miss Innocent or I try to act like I’m accepting, when I’m not

“No person on earth has the power to make you unhappy.”~Anthony deMello

 Do The Work and get free from that unhappiness! And if you need some group support to help you, join fellow travelers in the teleclass on Thursdays for the next 8 weeks, 10am-11:30 am Pacific time.

Love, Grace

Click Here to register for the Thursday class!

Posted on

Relentlessly Thinking I Should Be Different

A thoughtful reader and inquirer wrote to ask me about the stress she experiences when she believes she needs to relax, lighten up, or stop working so much in order to be happy. You may the post from last week I Need To Relax To Be Successful.

This is such a great discovery, to realize that even with gentle-sounding thoughts and concepts that seem like good ideas, we can start a thread of thinking about how we could improve.

The thoughts go something like this (spoken from one who knows):

  • I should relax more
  • I should be kinder to myself and others
  • If I only knew how to calm down, my life would be more pleasant
  • I shouldn’t let that person bug me
  • If I meditated more, practiced my spiritual path more, then I would be a better person, more loving, and happier
  • I want to spread peace and not war
  • I allowed people in my life to hurt me, it’s my fault
  • If only I had a thicker skin, jeez!
  • If I could just remember to count to ten or have more patience, my kids would be happier
  • I should love myself

What I found is that when I start to get into these kinds of thoughts about how I don’t measure up to the best I could be….frustration, tiredness, low-energy, sadness, disappointment.

One of my favorite exercises in Katie’s book I Need Your Love, Is It True? is to consider the worst you have ever done. Almost everyone on the planet, upon thinking about the WORST they have ever done, feels terrible. We are sure we could have done it differently. I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN BETTER.

Katie suggests that we couldn’t have done it any better. No better, no different. It went exactly the way it needed to go based on who we were, who they were, what we were all believing at the moment.

We were innocently believing our thoughts. That was the way of it, that is the way of it. We were doing the best we could have done.

Notice how the mind will say “OK, I did the best I could in that moment…and IT WASN’T GOOD ENOUGH!”

You don’t really have to know consciously what you are actually believing, with perfect wording. You can question simply that you are not doing it well, that you could be doing better.

Who would you be without the thought that you are not good enough at relaxing? What if you didn’t evaluate yourself as needing to improve in any way at all, right in this moment?

What if you shouldn’t even love yourself right now? What if it is not possible to be a better parent? What if you are not awakened because you are not supposed to be? What if you are not successfully raking in money or working at a good job because your current status is just right?

“All that’s required of me is that I be good enough just to sit in this chair now. It doesn’t matter what my mind says…..Only a huge ego could say that you’re supposed to be doing something that you’re not doing. If it’s required, just start moving toward it–get the job done. And if you can’t get the job done, it’s because it’s not required.” ~ Byron Katie 

It is so strange for the mind to not have an improvement plan. But how amazing to find out what happens without one.

I was always so sure NOTHING would happen, or BAD things would happen without an improvement plan. Just try for a few minutes, a few hours, seeing what happens if you have no plan, if you don’t know what is supposed to happen now.

See what happens if all that is required is being you, no “making” yourself do, think, say, or be anything. You may find that life begins to live itself, without all the stressful thinking.

Empty your mind of all thoughts. Let your heart be at peace. Watch the turmoil of beings, but contemplate their return. Each separate being in the universe returns to the common source. Returning to the source is serenity. If you don’t realize the source, you stumble in confusion and sorrow.  When you realize where you come from, you naturally become tolerant, disinterested, amused, kindhearted as a grandmother, dignified as a king. Immersed in the wonder of the Tao, you can deal with whatever life brings you, and when death come, you are ready. Tao Te Ching #16

Don’t worry about not being where you’d like to be, yet. You are a part of all that moves in turmoil and then returns to balance, to the common source of serenity. You are on your way. You are supported.

Love, Grace

Wonderful Teleclass!

“Being anchored in doing The Work with something regular, and hearing other people’s thinking helped me see/feel/hear my own…wonderful!”~ JCN, Australia 

Accepting Where You Are:

“I loved Grace’s sweet facilitations and exercises to find blocks, her accepting presence and how she affirms everyone’s process…” ~ Money, Work and Business teleclass participant

Posted on

I Can’t Handle This Moment

Dear Inquirers,

Ages ago, when it seems I was almost a different person (yet I remember it well) my relationship with food was horrendous.

My relationship with money was also confusing….it appeared to come and go and I felt so small and powerless in it, I could hardly think about it. I mainly focused on other relationships that seemed more important (like food).

My relationship with other people was also worrisome. I loved some of them, but found others repulsive. I didn’t like getting too incredibly close to people….it felt dangerous and disturbing.

Really, my relationship with ME was confusing, worrisome, dangerous, horrendous. It seemed like I was unpredictable, mean, critical, and that I actually would harm myself.

I would have a feeling or thought arise that seemed too big, too emotional, too frightening, and I would automatically think I couldn’t handle it. My attitude toward the feeling or thought was that it must die. I would attack it and do anything to get rid of it or get away from it.

This created that troubling and terrible relationship with food and eating. I would have thoughts like:

  • Eating would feel so good right now
  • I am such a pig, all I think about is food
  • I could stop anything else I’m doing and start to eat, I could go to the store and buy everything I ever wanted, everything that looks yummy
  • I am so selfish, scared, angry, bitter
  • The only thing that will help me right now to calm down is to frantically eat all I want without control
  • I’ll binge now and stop later
  • I will never get over this
  • My relationship with food proves I am a stupid, immature, undisciplined, unenlightened person

The thing is, I flipped back and forth between desperately wanting and berating myself for wanting, like a ping-pong ball.

I never really looked at what was going on, slowing the whole thing down.

I never questioned the thought “I can’t handle this moment, so I need to eat. Eating would improve this moment”.

This could be the same with anything I’ve experienced that I feel totally compelled to do, like when I smoked cigarettes or drank alcohol….or obsessively planned out ways to make money, or work my way up the ladder in a job.

Suffering is the idea that something needs to be different right now. This could be ANYTHING.

So in this moment I allow my mind to think about what it would improve or change to make things better, and then I can ask myself is it really true that if this changed, it WOULD be better?

There is nothing wrong with wanting to heal, improve, change, clarify, get balance, feel peace. It seems that stress arises when we have no balance, when we become “against” something, when we have a big reaction.

Realization is already here. All that is necessary is to get rid of the thought ‘I have not realized’.~ Ramana Maharshi

All that is necessary in the moment I move into feeling compelled to eat, drink, smoke, watch TV, work, surf the net, is to question the thought “this moment sucks”.

Join me in examining all the less-than-perfect moments on the topics of eating, sexuality, money or relationships in July (see the schedule below).

Love, Grace

Visit me at www.workwithgrace.com and pass along this blog post to anyone you know who might enjoy it. They can sign up for the list on my website!

  • Horrible Food Wonderful Food – Fridays July 13 – August 31 Noon – 1:30 Pacific 
  • Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven – Thursdays July 12 – August 30 8:00 – 9:30 am PT
  • Our Wonderful Sexuality – Tuesdays July 10 – August 28 8:15 – 9:45 am PT
  • Money, Work and Business – Weds July 11 – August 29 5:00 – 6:30 pm PT

The Hidden Gift in ANY Relationship June 27 – July 1 in the glorious Breitenbush Hotsprings Resort in Oregon! $350 for one person tuition, plus room and board. Bring a second person for $100 tuition (plus room and board).

Grace Bell, MA, Certified Counselor WA

Certified Facilitator of the Work of Byron Katie
website: www.workwithgrace.com
email: gracebell@comcast.net
phone: 206-650-1230
skype: graceebell
facebook: www.facebook.com/WorkWithGrace
twitter: ByronKatieCoach
blog: www.workwithgrace.blogspot.com

Copyright© WorkWithGrace

Posted on

I WANT, Therefore I’m Bad

Is wanting something stressful? It sure seems like it sometimes. We have the thoughts “I want it”…..I want to eat (even though I’m not hungry), I want a boyfriend (and I’m single, no prospects), I want more money (my bank account looks less than perfect), I want more time (my calendar is is so booked I’m starting to schedule “time to sleep”).

I WANT.

When we are babies or toddlers, we don’t really have an “observer” who is commenting on what we want. It seems babies cry or smile or reach or play and this thing comes along called “wanting” and it’s very simple. No judgment AGAINST the wanting feeling. It’s more like attention is turned toward getting what is wanted, it’s the way of it.

I remember one of the very first times I wanted something but then ALSO had the thought on top of wanting it that it was BAD to be wanting this thing.

I was eight. In school that day we were allowed to sit on top of our desks to watch a movie. Such a special and strange treat, sitting ON our desks, with our feet dangling down in front.

For some reason I caught a glimpse of my thighs and they were spread wide the way they would be sitting that way. But my mom had recently gone on a Weight Watchers diet and it had occurred to me for the first time in my life that sometimes, people want more food than they actually need, and they get upset about it. They don’t like the way they look.

I suddenly thought “Oh no! I am too fat! Being fat is bad! That’s what my mom is talking about!”

Later, the teacher gave us Reese’s Peanutbutter Cups. I wanted to eat it, but instead I took mine home for my little sisters. I would start copying my mom. We had the same “problem” of wanting too much food. Obviously.

This morning I worked with a client who noticed the thought “I want more time with him”.

She found that she was actually wanting more “fun” and relaxation.

I heard this dear client saying that one way she reacted when she believed the thought that more time with him would bring her happiness, is she had a new thought; “I am going to stop wanting more time with him”. That’s the little tricky part. The strategy to deal with this BAD WANTING. I want, therefore I suffer. So I’ll figure out how to stop wanting anything.

But what if the wanting isn’t “bad”?

So first, I find out who I would be without the thought that I have to have that thing I want in order to be happy? Then I find out who I would be without the thought that wanting it is bad?

Who would I be without the thought that if I was thinner, I’d be happier? Who would I be without the thought that if I had more money, I’d have more freedom, more adventure, or more security? Who would I be without the thought that if I had more time, I’d be more successful?

Who would I be without the thought that if I stopped WANTING things in the first place, I’d be happier? Can I just “want” and still be happy?!

 “Since the beginning of time, people have been trying to change the world so that they can be happy. This hasn’t ever worked, because it approaches the problem backward.~Byron Katie

With inquiry, I notice that wanting stuff is not so bad. In fact, it’s kind of exciting. It gives me new, creative ideas. It’s like the world is a playground and I see the swings, the jungle gym, the monkey bars and want to run around on all of them, oh boy!

I also notice, there is more to “me” than this wanting. It is not all I am.

“When things are not the way you prefer, that does not mean that they shouldn’t be happening. It means that they are not what you want….Your wanting it different means that you want it different. Whatever is you up til now is allowed. Whatever you want or choose now is also allowed. You are allowed to be what you are…”~ Bruce di Marsico

I am allowed to be what I am, wanting to have fun, play, eat candy. Wanting more time, wanting more money….

When I stop criticizing myself for be a big WANTING machine, I can find out more about what I fear, why I want, what is going on in this present moment where “wanting” exists.

What if wanting is the way of it, sometimes?

Come bring your fabulous WANTING and investigate it for the weekend in Seattle next month. We will gather at Goldilocks Cottage (my home) and dive into The Work and see who we are without our stories about believing we want. Limited to 14 people, non-residential.

For more information on this first weekend in June click here.

With love, Grace

Posted on

I Crave It Uncontrollably!

This morning was the first teleclass on Food and Eating. I love the thought
brought to surface to question: “I crave it uncontrollably“.

The feeling of craving anything uncontrollably can be extremely painful
and desperate. Whether a substance, or a person, or money, or for
someone to be with you again who is not longer here.

I’ve thought about craving and all it means many times in my life. Even though
I don’t seem to get overwhelming urges or cravings for much in my life I still
LOVE to look at the amazing sensation called craving. Especially when
people say it’s UNCONTROLLABLE.

As I heard all the group answer the simple question “how do you react
when you believe this thought that you crave something uncontrollably?”
I noticed once again the way so many of us criticize, condemn, blame,
and attack ourselves.

I am the one who craves things uncontrollably, and it’s really terrible.
There’s something wrong with me.

Sometimes I still glimpse the feeling of craving, of wanting with a panic,
an extremely deep ache. I can imagine something like…”if only my father were
still alive” or “if only I had enough money to pay for everyone in my family” or
“if only I had more time”….and what these thoughts might be like if they
grew then it might feel like uncontrollable craving.

Because I found the Work it feels like such a relief to have spent lots of
time questioning these things of life that I wish would get satisfied, the things
I want.

One of the most amazing feelings is the feeling of being with a craving and
studying it, not acting right away. What color is it? Where does it live?
Where did it come from? What is it saying? What am I most afraid of in this
moment? What’s the worst that could happen, if I stay here and if I don’t
do anything to solve this craving?

Pema Chodron says “Most of us do not take these situations as teachings.
We automatically hate them. We run like crazy. We use all kinds of ways to escape
 — all addictions stem from this moment when we meet our edge and we just can’t
stand it. We feel we have to soften it, pad it with something, and we become
addicted to whatever it is that seems to ease the pain.”

See if you really are out of control when you have that craving that seems so big.

Who would you be without that thought that you are out of control, that something
is wrong with you, that your craving is altogether wrong, or that you shouldn’t
have it in the first place?

What if this is a moment where what is happening is that you are meeting your
edge. Maybe it has nothing to do with the thing you’re craving. See if you can sit
still for 30 seconds and see. That may be all it takes to make a discovery.

What if nothing is wrong with you, even when you had a craving?

Posted on

Writing Slows The Mind

I was reading about a woman in AA, Laura S she goes by, who also became a Buddhist after she got sober and stayed sober. She writes “…my life was unmanageable because my mind was unmanageable.”

At the heart of addiction, no matter what we are “addicted” to, lies unmanageable thoughts and feelings.

My particular addictive process presented itself around food and eating. I always felt like there was either too much food or not enough food, I had no idea what was just right. And then to top it off, I hated myself for having such a weird, violent relationship with food at all.

I also didn’t even get what I was thinking, I just knew I FELT horrific, terrified, desperately sad, angry, and awful. My belief about life itself was bleak, I saw lots of suffering going on “out there”. This world didn’t make sense.

The thing is, when I was stuck in an addictive pattern (in my case it was eating) then I had almost all FEELINGS and no THINKING, or so it seemed.

The thoughts were so covered up by my huge reactive feelings that I couldn’t even detect them.

Using the Work helped me stop and question and see what I was really believing when I had huge big feelings. I had to write.

Byron Katie says “the mind can justify itself faster than the speed of light, but it can be stopped through the act of writing. Once the mind is stopped on paper, thoughts remain stable, and inquiry can easily be applied.”

If you notice big patterns that feel addictive, like you can’t stop thinking about something or someone repeatedly, and you’re confused, then point the finger of blame on everything that is causing you pain.

Write about everyone and everything that has hurt you. Even if you think it’s petty or mean, or that you’re over it (or should be) by now.

One thing I love about the teleclass on Food and Eating is that after sitting so many times, slowing down what is happening for me in this world of eating, food, and my body…I have lots of ways I’ve drawn out my thinking, drawing it out from underneath all the big feelings.

Then we can really do inquiry, because we know what we’re working with!

Now the world still doesn’t make sense, but it’s actually hilarious that it makes no sense, it’s one big mysterious adventure, most fascinating and wonderful.

If you find you’re ready to look at painful thinking around food and eating, the next teleclass starts on Thursday next week, 8 – 9:30 am Pacific time.  We meet for 8 sessions and it’s a fabulous way to uncover what’s behind the difficult relationship with food.

I’d love it if you’d forward this e-mail to a friend or loved one. I appreciate you spreading the word about what I do…and…you never know how you may be changing someone’s life. You may even end up with a partner to do The Work with!