Category: Addiction

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Getting Un-Addicted To Addictive Thinking

Yesterday I received not one, but two letters from participants in the One Year Program of Inquiry that I facilitate.

Our group began meeting in June, and we connect by phone or skype with a different topic each month. Then we’ll meet live and in person in both September and next March (for those who can travel to Seattle).

I’m excited, because a second group will start on Thursdays, Sept 12th in the afternoon instead of the mornings (5:15 to 6:45 pm).

Here is what these sincere inquirers wrote:

Dear Grace,
I am grateful for your classes, and your spirit, and just doing what you do. The relationships I’ve developed through your classes…with you…and others…it’s so amazing how there are now all these like-minded people in my life…and how these relationships of radical openness spill over into “regular” relationships…with [my friend], my sisters, my Mom, Brother in law, nephew…just seems to be more and more a way of being. ~ JB A Year Of Inquiry Program
 
And to our Private Group Forum:
Hi All! I’d like to say how much I’m enjoying being a part of this group. I thank you all very much for coming together and making it possible. (I thank me, too, for this gift to myself:) ~ DS A Year of Inquiry Program
There is no one more grateful and impressed  than ME by the sweet connection, authenticity and determination of the people who chose to join.

The full title of the year is A Year Of Inquiry For The Addictive Mind. 

(But I like to call it YOI for short. It makes me laugh).

Addictive MIND? But no one in this group is consumed by addictive behavior, or using drugs or alcohol all the time, or engaging in intense or flippant compulsive behavior, or lying in the gutter…..

….they really aren’t.

And yet they answered a call of being invited to join for a full year with fellow passengers on a journey to understand their own compulsive and painful thinking.

They all wanted to investigate the thoughts, ideas and notions that create their own suffering.

They wanted to do it over the passage of time….so that events, changes, or circumstances might occur, and they’d have a support group to work with as life happened.

That’s what I have signed myself up for, as I have worked with groups and teachers being a student of The Life of Grace Bell (whoever that is) and the Human Condition.

Addiction is defined in the dictionary as the state of being enslaved to a habit or a practice.

It feels true with thinking sometimes…..have you noticed?

Something alarming happens, someone says something threatening, there is change….and the mind is off and running, believing everything that makes it nervous.

Addictive thinking is that automatic reactive thinking that works faster than the speed of light, it seems, at believing that uncomfortable (or excruciating) things are absolutely true, without stopping to question them.

On the flip side, it is also believing that I want more, and more, and more of the Truth, of feeling good, whatever that may be.

Very tricky mind.

The mind, which appears to have a compulsive way about it, says “grow this beautiful state of experience over here” and then “get away from that nasty experience over there“.

Once when I was in meditation retreat, a man came to the microphone and told his terrible story of heroine addiction.

The teacher, Adyashanti, commented that this man’s addictive process was just like everyone else’s! Even the people trying to catch the drug of spiritual enlightenment and bliss all day long!

“Addictions are always the effect of an unquestioned mind. The only true addiction to work with is the addiction to your thoughts. As you question those thoughts, that addiction ceases because you no longer believe those thoughts. And as those thoughts cease, as you cease to believe them, then the addictions in your life cease to be. It is a process.” ~ Byron Katie

Once inquiry begins, this way of thinking followed by immediately reacting begins to slow down.

Relaxing becomes possible, without anything needing to change in our environment.

Pain is present still….it appears that this is something that is a part of life. Pain, death, loss, sickness, hardship, fear….all here in this world, in the middle of this life.

The pain of my father’s death, my friend who just died at age 22, the best friend I thought I once knew having committed a stunning betrayal, the man who dramatically threatened to kill himself, the woman who lied, the man who was verbally violent, the desperation of some I have met….

….all so painful. Destruction appears to happen here. Endings. Change. Goodbyes. Beginnings. More Endings.

But ongoing suffering? Ruminating on the past? Thinking about all these painful events over and over? Asking why, endlessly? Trying to avoid them ever ever happening again?

Surrendering, not believing that is it absolutely true that it is all a House of Horrors and a Big Mess….knowing there is nothing I can do about any of it…..the suffering fades away.

I am open to what is mysterious in this moment, the Great Unknown.

I notice I am breathing and still here, today. I notice my heart is beating. Or should I say, “this” heart is beating (I’m quite sure now it is not “mine”).

“Suddenly I realized that what I was addicted to was me–me, the one who was struggling; me, the one who was striving for enlightenment; me, the one who was confused. I was a junkie for me. Even as I was trying to get beyond myself, to break through to a different view, I couldn’t because I was actually addicted to me. And there wasn’t a secret about how to get un-addicted. I had to get to the point where I bottomed out, where I stopped, where I realized that I didn’t know anything.” ~ Adyashanti

Oh boy!

If you’re ready to Un-Know Everything, practice self-inquiry with others, learn to facilitate well, study your thoughts, connect intimately…

….then come join us starting in September for a Year of Inquiry.

YOI for YOU!

Read all about it by clicking here.

And if this group isn’t quite right, check out the other telegroup classes below, find a partner to work with, or just begin by writing down your stressful beliefs and calling the Help Line to speak to a volunteer facilitator (I am sometimes there too!)

Much love, Grace

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I Am SURE I Need More Information

Yesterday on Sunday evening, I realized I had an interview queued up on my laptop since early morning, ready to push play and watch….but had never gotten around to it the whole day.

I also had my local library website open in a browser on the same laptop, waiting for me to order a book (or two) from that author who was recommended to me.

Oh, and I had an mp3 of a teleconference call ready to download, led by someone I’ve never ever heard of but the title sounded interesting about mindfulness and enlightenment or something….

….and finally, a public webinar by one of my favorite business author and teacher guys David Allen, waiting for my credit card if I want to join his class next month.

Heh heh, and that was not exactly an atypical day….

….and I never actually opened, got to, listened to, or purchased any of them.

There are hundreds and hundreds of spiritual teachers, coaches, counselors, practitioners, authors, lecturers, and scientists who have something interesting to teach or say.

Not only something interesting, but often something quite profound and beautiful to offer.

It would be impossible for any one of us to study them all. Ever.

Yet our mind will tell us that even if we can’t get to them all, read every great book, see every interesting teacher….we should make contact with AS MANY AS POSSIBLE.

Surely we can get to as many of them as we can and study what they say?

Surely we can work with new practitioners, read a new book, keep hunting and getting closer to that “goal” of….

….oh yeah, good question….what is The Goal?!

Funny how when I stop and look at myself and this particular gathering-and-studying behavior, I recognize a familiar energy, one that is stressful.

There is a little edge of push-push running around like a nervous chicken, seeking the most perfect answer, a great teacher, a solution.

Maybe the goal is that I want to stop suffering, feel happy, gain knowledge, succeed, thrive, win, enjoy, perform, bliss-out, do good.

Maybe…just maybe…there’s someone out there who can wave their wand over your head and “make” you feel better! A light bulb would go off! WOW that would be AWESOME.

The thing is, we listen and learn and gather and we DO feel better, excited, more aware. At least I do.

I love the wisdom available, just sitting down at my laptop. It’s quite stunning, really.

But it’s also of great value to me to stop hunting. Wait. Be. Watch. Listen to the silence, not someone else’s voice.

Watch that moment when I am chasing after a goal that is somewhere in the future, whether an hour from now after I watch my spiritual-teacher video, or five months from now when I’m totally over my current unpleasant condition.

That moment when I am believing “I need more”.

  • I need to read that new book
  • I need to read those old spiritual classics that I missed
  • I need to buy a ticket and go hear “x” person on their lecture tour
  • I need to order those files of “so-and-so” talking about enlightenment
  • I need to recommend to other people this new author
  • I need to stop suffering and feel blissful instead. All the time.
  • I know what enlightenment is like, and this here is NOT IT
  • I need to sign up for that program

I don’t know about you, but how I react when I have these kinds of thoughts, if I really look and examine and investigate this state of mind, is I am insatiable.

One big needy ball of energy. Walking around like I’m looking for something, very subtly and very appropriately (it doesn’t look like drug addiction or other heavier addictions).

But I am spending money on books, programs, recordings as if my life (mind) depended on it.

Sigh.

I remember when I had no money left six years ago.

One day I was doing The Work and questioning the thought “I need more money”.

I had turned the thought around just to look at it, the way we do in The Work: “I do not need more money.”

I suddenly realized one advantage of not having money.

I didn’t have it to spend on books, retreats, lectures, programs, practitioners, modalities, spiritual “information”.

I had to sit in a chair, with my own mind, instead.

I had to develop a relationship with myself that worked. A foundation of openness to this self, whatever it was.

Who would you be without that thought that you need to find the right teacher, practitioner, or program?

Who would you be without the thought that there is an answer out there that you must find, or an enlightened state that is different from who you are right now?

Who would you be without the thought that there is a magical piece of information that will crack the code of life for you personally?

“The key is to be quiet. It’s not that your mind has to be quiet. You be quiet. You, the one inside watching the neurotic mind, just relax.” ~ Michael Singer

Today, something in me feels such joy at not needing anything MORE than what I already have learned, come into contact with, practiced, or become aware of….so far.

What if you were not missing a thing? What if you did not need one bit of extra additional information?

What if you could trust that you are moving through All This and you left everything alone, just allowed it to be what it is?

“The Tao is called the Great Mother: empty yet inexhaustible, it gives birth to infinite worlds. It is always present within you. You can use it any way you want.”~ Tao Te Ching #6

Much Love, Grace

  • Earning Money: What’s Your Problem? Questioning Your Beliefs About Money, Work and Business. Thursdays, July 11 – August 29, 2013, 5:15 – 6:45 pm Pacific time. 8 weeks $395. Register Here. 
  • Our Wonderful Sexuality: A Safe Place For Inquiry on Painful Thoughts About Sexuality. Fridays, July 12 – August 30, 2013 Noon – 1:30 pm Pacific time. 8 weeks $395. Register Here. 
  • Mini Retreats Seattle. Saturdays, 8/10, 10/12, 11/30, 2013, 1:30-5:30 pm. Goldilocks Cottage. $70 includes intensive, handouts, tea and snacks, $55 repeater rate.  Click here to register for mini-retreats:
  • Loving Your Body Breitenbush Hot Springs Retreat. June 26-30, 2013. For all the information please click HERE.

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Being With People Healing Your Life

Many people have asked me over time how I ended my compulsive and addictive behavior, especially with food and eating.

Compulsive behavior can be one of the most painful cycles of human experience.

It’s lonely, desperate, grasping, repeats itself, and has “victim” stamped all over it.

On the surface, compulsive behavior looks like a terrible path. Like what freakin’ ding-a-ling would choose THAT?

It’s easy to see in someone else how unhappy they are, how stuck.

Drinking, eating, working, being helpful, over-exercising, dieting, using drugs, smoking, worrying, self-improving, checking email, cleaning, playing video games, watching TV, planning, shopping, porn, talking, researching the internet.

I once heard a woman share that to get over drinking alcohol, she formulated a structure to drink water instead. Even though she went to AA, she drank water every time she thought she had a craving for alcohol.

True story, she was at her doctor’s for drinking too much water, for suppressing her immune system and whatever else happens to bodies with too much water in them.

The definition of compulsive is to experience an irresistible, persistent impulse to do something.

It feels like a force that takes over consciousness…which brings in the VICTIM part. I am a victim of the force of this irresistible urge.

One thing I’ve talked about a lot is that the compulsive behavior is the result, it has to be the result, of compulsive thinking.

Even though it feels like the idea, craving, urge or command to eat comes out of the wild, blue yonder and descends like a cloud upon you…that’s the Great Illusion.

There was something there, in the mind, in the psyche, in consciousness, that was seen and believed and thought…and then a huge desire to avoid it, run from it, change it, transform it.

Work! Go running! Drink coffee! Drink rum! Consume!

Suddenly, the original worrisome idea, thought, dream, or memory vanishes and the mind is busy with something else instead. So it kinda works, temporarily.

I know I never would have eaten like a stark-raving lunatic if I hadn’t been deeply frightened, angry, confused, lost, or grief-stricken and been totally and completely against having these feelings.

I wanted to feel good, or neutral, or psyched at ALL TIMES.

I got really scared with almost any kind of strong feeling. I still get nervous sometimes.

One of the most powerful turning points for me in changing my cravings and urges was connecting with a group of people.

These people all were interested in being honest, open, authentic and understanding the truth for themselves.

The thing about getting truly close and vulnerable with other people is that; a) it is risky—someone may not love hearing what you’re really thinking if you speak it—they may leave, or fight, or dismiss you, and, b) you may not like yourself for what you’re thinking, let alone what you’re saying, and this feels pretty bad.

But telling the truth, exploring the truth, is worth it.

In fact, I would say that it is not just worth it, it is a matter of life or death.

A real, genuine, honest, powerful life….instead of a false, fakey, dishonest, powerless life…that feels like half-life or death.

When I stuffed myself, or drank a lot of alcohol, or smoked, or planned, or moved my home compulsively (I counted how many places I lived from age 18 to 30 once and it was like 22) I was either really nice, really fogged out or really hyped up.

Never calmly present. And I definitely never felt truly ALIVE.

The following items are the TOP FOUR things that helped me end really destructive compulsive behavior, apparently for….a very, very long time (these are also on my website page all about the One Year Program).

The very same four steps are what change my compulsive thinking, even without behaviors that are damaging.

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve got compulsive cravings and urges, but they are much more subtle…and I welcome them coming along overall.

  1. Having a guide(s) or mentor(s) and fellow travelers along the road who could see sanity at the end of my tunnel…people who could feel confident of my path, trusting, even amused in response to the way I am thinking
  2. Revealing my innermost thoughts, feelings and experiences to companions in total honesty…NO HIDING or running away
  3. Being asked by a facilitator powerful, direct, lazer-sharp questions, and answering them honestly, so I could eventually ask them of myself
  4. Staying with compassion (picture an owner saying to the puppy “STAY!”). Staying with my feelings, sensations, or painful thoughts without condemning or dismissing them, so they can be truly seen.

People….a group. That was the first big healing step, the first thing that shifted a dramatic change in my behavior.

Being honest with other people, over time…allowing contact with them that was revealing, vulnerable, expressive….this made all the difference.

I stayed with my first group for three years, almost never missing our weekly sessions. My binge-eating stopped during that time. I never went back.

I’ll continue more with this theme during this week in other posts, the rest of the steps….

…but what I learned about connecting with people authentically in this path of self-inquiry is how to love.

By not running away from anyone, especially in my support group, and agreeing that I would be totally honest….then I learned true love.

Unconditional love.

“The Master has no mind of her own. She works with the mind of the people. She is good to people who are good. She is also good to people who aren’t good. This is true goodness. She trusts people who are trustworthy. She also trusts people who aren’t trustworthy. This is true trust.”~Tao Te Ching #49

If you’re ready to connect with a small group for either 2 months, or one year, or half a day (in person) then come on over to a group class. Check out the list below.

If not this, find a partner to do The Work with. Share yourself.

The more honest and compassionate, the less compulsive your thinking will be.

Love, Grace

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Thinking–The Mother of All Addiction

Have you ever tried to stop thinking? Ooooh boy, that’s a doozy.

Especially when you’re thinking about something uncomfortable, or even traumatic.

Should I choose that or choose this? I wonder what she meant when she gave me that look? He shouldn’t have slammed the door! I can’t stand seeing the accident over and over in my mind. I can’t believe she betrayed me like that. He must have a personality disorder of some kind. I wonder what will happen tomorrow? It would be god-awful to quit smoking now, at a time like this. I’ll quit later. 

The mind is busy running, commenting on EVERYTHING. Dang, it is busy.

Good news. Have you ever also noticed that some part of you NOTICES that you are thinking? That you have a mind that’s running and chattering itself practically to death?

So even though there’s this part that’s going high-speed in the fast lane quite a bit of the time, there’s another part that seems separate from all that. It notices the thinking.

Recently I was listening to Adyashanti, a spiritual teacher I greatly admire, and he said that when we meditate, we often notice this voice kick in and we get lost in it, but when we come up for air, suddenly becoming aware that we’ve been lost in thought, we can choose to feel gratitude.

Gratitude!? For wasting time being lost in my little measly ridiculous streams of thought for the last hour?!!

Yes, he said. We can feel grateful for coming back to reality, to expansiveness, to awareness and sanity!

In the past, I would criticize myself when I popped back up from a long drawn out thinking session.

What’s WRONG WITH YOU, you dork! Why can’t you stop thinking!

Not very kind.

It’s been a true Love/Hate relationship. I hate my thinking, I love my thinking, I hate my thinking, I love my thinking, I can’t stop my thinking, I won’t stop my thinking, I should stop my thinking, I need to stop my thinking, I like my thinking, I’m annoyed by my thinking….and on and on.

And then, silence. Noticing that thinking has been happening.

One of the most wonderful tools for a very busy thinking mind, is to offer it INQUIRY.

It seems like that mind just loves a good question. It gives it something to do! It loves giving answers!

If you have a repetitive thought…pause and ask: Is it true, what I am thinking? Is it really, absolutely 100% true? Can I know this is true?

How do I react when I’m thinking?

I lose sight of some of the world around me. I get lost “in thought.” I’m not very happy. I don’t see or hear very well. Sometimes I get furious, or depressed. I get very discouraged. Sometimes I get a rush of adrenaline, I’m anticipating, I’m excited.

If it’s heavy-duty fearful thinking, I can’t sleep well. I’m paranoid, or grief-stricken. Or I want to sleep too much. Or I want to escape and I may have an escapish-behavior. I used to eat!

Who would I be without thinking? If I really couldn’t think anymore, what would that be like?

That’s a wonderful thing to imagine. Sometimes, there’s something a little disconcerting about it. If I didn’t think, I would be a zombie, or a vegetable, or a nincompoop! I’d be rude! I’d be MORE lost than I am when I do think! I’d make terrible decisions! Oh no!

But what if it wasn’t scary? What if we were more efficient, more amazing, more energetic, more clear….without all the thinking?

“To enjoy the world without judgment is what a realized life is like.”~Joko Beck

Considering what lots of thinking has done for me so far, I’m willing to question the truth of it.

In fact, in questioning my thinking, I notice my life has become more calm, more free, more relaxed, more rich, more beautiful than ever before. Every day is quite wonderful.

My thinking is still alive and well, but oh how thrilling to not believe it…every moment I get freedom from beliefs is so much fun!

Maybe I’ve been addicted to thinking, but now, I’m learning what to do with the thoughts. Bring them to inquiry. Ask if they’re true.

And OH BOY…A One Year Program for The Addictive Mind is READY!!

If you’ve been one of the many people who have asked about this one-year program for a small group to work together in support of questioning all the biggest “thoughts” we’ve ever learned that feel stressful…

Go here to read all about it.  I can’t wait to start in June on a fabulous journey.

“Imagine your house of thoughts standing in the middle of an ocean of light from a trillion stars. Imagine your awareness trapped inside the darkness of that house, struggling daily to live off the artificial light of your limited experiences. Now imagine the walls crumbling down…”~ Michael Singer

Love, Grace

Learn About All Teleclasses Here 

  • Earning Money: What’s Your Problem? Questioning Your Beliefs About Money, Work and Business. Tuesday, March 26 – May 14, 2013, 5:15 – 6:45 pm Pacific time. 8 weeks $395. 
  • Pain, Sickness and Death: Making Friends With The Worst That Happens In Life. Thursdays, March 7 – April 11, 2013. 5:15-6:45 pm. 6 weeks $295. 
  • Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven: Working With Painful Hate, Anger, Fury, Despair, Grief, or Disappointment With Someone You Know; Spouse, Mother, Sibling, Father, Daughter, Son, Boss, Neighbor, Friend.Fridays, March 29 – May 17, 2013 8:00 am – 9:30 am Pacific time. 8 weeks $395.  
  • Horrible Food Wonderful Food: Investigating the Love/Hate Relationship with Eating And Food. Tuesdays, June 11 – July 30, 2013 5:15 – 6:45 pm Pacific time. 8 weeks $395. 
  • Our Wonderful Sexuality: A Safe Place For Inquiry on Painful Thoughts About Sexuality. Fridays, July 5 – August 23, 2013 Noon – 1:30 pm Pacific time. 8 weeks $395.    

In Person workshops:

  •  Mini Retreat Seattle. Saturday, April 6, 2013, 1:30-5:30 pm. Goldilocks Cottage. $70 includes intensive, handouts, tea and snacks.
  •  Mini Retreat Seattle. Saturday, May 18, 2013, 1:30-5:30 pm  Goldilocks Cottage. $70 includes intensive, handouts, tea and snacks.
  • SIGN UP FOR BOTH SATURDAY MINI RETREATS FOR $125
  • One-Day Retreat: Question Your Thinking, Change Your Life. Saturday, June 15, 2013, Thunder Bay, Ontario, CANADA. $175 includes workshop, snacks, wonderful catered lunch. Please click HERE learn more and to register. 
  • Loving Your Body As Is Breitenbush Hot Springs Retreat. June 26-30, 2013. For all the information please click HERE.

If you like this article, forward it to friends, family or colleagues. To get on the list to receive these directly via email, go to www.workwithgrace.com and enter your email in the sidebar. Your email will not be sold or used for any other purpose than these Grace Notes articles and announcements. You can Unsubscribe at any time by clicking at the bottom of any newsletter.  

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This Moment Needs To Change

As so many of you already know, I work with people often who have some compulsive behavior(s) they want to quit.

Anyone who has ever had this experience knows it feels very frustrating and frightening. The self-criticism that appears around this is brutal.

The compulsion to Do Something is deep in many humans. It feels overwhelming, almost like there is no choice, like the person engaged in the process is compelled, beyond all reason, to act.

It doesn’t matter if the compulsion is to take drugs, smoke, drink alcohol, take medicine, work, exercise, drink coffee, watch TV, eat ice cream, watch porn, smoke something, play computer games, check your cell phone, go on Facebook, be sexual, gamble, or shop….it all comes from a similar source.

I hate this moment. I MUST do something to change this moment.

It has been one of the most liberating experiences for me in life to look at what I think I hate that drives me to force a change.

  • People are mean, stupid or hurtful
  • Someone abandoned me, I am all alone
  • I need money, pleasure, love, entertainment
  • The world is a dangerous place
  • This is boring
  • I can’t handle this feeling of sadness, anger, grief, or fear
  • Something about me isn’t good enough
  • Life is hard

Every single one of these thoughts can be taken to inquiry. Every one can be examined to find out if they are really 100% true.

The best way that I have found to work with what I am against about life, where I conclude in the flash of a second that this moment is not good, is to slow the whole thing down to sooooo slow that it’s practically at a stand-still (can you hear the slow-motion voice moving like molasses?)

First, why is that moment uncomfortable, bad, annoying, or sad? Make a list (like the one above in bullets).

Then take just one of the thoughts you’ve written and look at it.

Is it true? Can you absolutely know it? Are you positive?

You can see how you react when you believe your thoughts are true. You use some substance or behavior or thinking process to “find relief”. You lash out at other people, or at yourself.

You try to find comfort somewhere, anywhere.

I used to wolf down food when I felt someone was angry with me or disapproved of me. It scared me to death, because I thought they were right. I thought I was inadequate, not good enough. Eat-eat-eat, then starve-starve-starve.

This weekend I decided to not drink coffee and just see what my entertaining little mind would come up with about why it needed the coffee, what coffee was for, and what big disaster would occur if I never drank it again.

I identified what I thought coffee did for me. It’s was a cure for lack of energy and boredom.

Which I don’t actually have, it turns out. I was just anticipating the possibility of not having energy and being bored, or not having enough money. That would be HORRIBLE! OMG!

Who would I be without the thought that coffee helps me push, get pumped up, wake up, turn up the volume, do other activities, work, get things done, and get more energy?

Who would I be without the thought that I need anything to be different in that moment right before the auto-pilot cup of morning coffee?

Free. Not enslaved to “having” to drink it.

Without the thought that life is hard, or boring, or that I can’t handle certain feelings or emotions, or that I need money or love or excitement, or that the world is a dangerous place, or that someone was mean to me, or that I’m not good enough…

This present moment is full, expansive, packed with colors, movement, sound. I am awake. This body feels whatever its feeling and there are no emergencies.

Without these stressful thoughts, the feeling that I need to DO SOMETHING goes away.

No compulsions.

“Suffering is how life tells you that you are resisting or misperceiving what is real and true…Deeper understanding and insight flow forth from a quiet mind.”~Adyashanti

Every time I have ever thought “I need to do _____” some small or large level of suffering has followed.

Now when I stop and inquire, I discover peace and quiet. Nothing lacking.

If I can do it, anyone can. Seriously.

If you’d like to inquire in a group on your biggest fears about life and the world being a dangerous place, come join the Pain, Sickness and Death teleclass that starts Thursday. We’ll meet from 5:15 – 6:45 pm Pacific time. All you need is a telephone. All assignments are sent via email. Write me at grace@workwithgrace.com if you want to join or have questions.

Love, Grace

Learn About All Teleclasses Here 

Click here to register for the Pain, Sickness and Death Class!

  • Earning Money: What’s Your Problem? Questioning Your Beliefs About Money, Work and Business. Tuesday, March 26 – May 14, 2013, 5:15 – 6:45 pm Pacific time. 8 weeks $395. 
  • Pain, Sickness and Death: Making Friends With The Worst That Happens In Life. Thursdays, March 7 – April 11, 2013. 5:15-6:45 pm. 6 weeks $295. 
  • Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven: Working With Painful Hate, Anger, Fury, Despair, Grief, or Disappointment With Someone You Know; Spouse, Mother, Sibling, Father, Daughter, Son, Boss, Neighbor, Friend. Fridays, March 29 – May 17, 2013 8:00 am – 9:30 am Pacific time. 8 weeks $395.     
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A One Year Program Starts In April

Today just a quick announcement to say that I’ll finally be offering a program I’ve been thinking and dreaming about for many years:

A One Year Program For The Addictive Mind

A small group will join together to do The Work of Byron Katie on all the topics, thoughts, and beliefs that create stress in our lives.

All the pain that creates addiction, whether it is to a substance, an activity, relationships, or MORE thinking.

We’ll work on the same general topics together every month, meeting via teleconference, and there will be two in-person residential retreats as a part of the program.

Can you imagine having a group meet in this powerful way to question every part of the thinking that results in compulsive behavior, more compulsive thinking, and sadness, anger, or anxiety?

I really can’t wait!

Tentative start date is April Fools Day (the best!) with the teleconferences. Retreats will be in September 2013 and March 2014.

Many more details to follow on my website in the next few weeks…I’ll keep you posted.

Meanwhile, if you’re suffering because you’re addicted to your story, you can’t stop thinking and thinking, you can’t stop whatever it is you do that hurts….

You can do The Work right now, in this moment by asking yourself if it is true, that thing you’re thinking. Is it absolutely 100% true beyond a shadow of a doubt?

“If we really address the whole issue of suffering, as well as our desire and yearning for freedom, love and connection, then we need to learn how to look clearly at our own minds.”~Adyashanti

Love, Grace

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Fearing Desire

Sexuality is a pretty sensitive topic, in most cultures. There are delicate nuances to become aware of, from quite young, about what is right or wrong, acceptable, or condemned.

We learn through flashes of conversation, or words, or gestures what people might be doing or not doing. Some of us have more exposure than others. It seems the adults are involved in something that children aren’t quite in tune with yet.

Many of us learn in a more direct manner about the biology and physiology of human sexuality in school, or from books.

The dictionary defines sexuality as the capacity to have responses or feelings that are filled with desire.

And yet so many people grapple with conflict around their own desires or other peoples’ desires.

We think “I don’t WANT to be capable of having desires! I want to STOP all feelings of desire! And while we’re at it….I want those disgusting other people to stop THEIR feelings of desire! Someone could get hurt!”

DESIRE. There is either too much or not enough of it. Plus it’s dangerous to even mention.

We think bad things happen when there is too much desire, like overeating. Like there is a phantom or ghost who wants to eat and eat and doesn’t get satiated. It’s obsessive, over-heated, crazed, powerful.

Bad things happen when there is too little desire, like numbness, lack of feeling, lack of fun, like loss of appetite, carefulness, fear, solitude.

Socrates said, “Life contains but two tragedies. One is not to get your heart’s desire; the other is to get it.” 

This study of desire and attraction grows the awareness of the flashlight beam pointing towards THAT THING OVER THERE. The feelings surrounding it all can be incredibly fascinating when we look, without so much judgment.

The first time I wrote a Judge Your Neighbor worksheet on someone with whom I was in a love relationship including physical contact, I edited myself the whole way through. I skipped the specific moments that brought out the most rage because those moments happened in intimate situations.

Then I realized that I had done this, and I wrote it freely, with all my petty, mean, vicious, angry judgments pouring forth. I thought to myself, I will just keep this to myself and do The Work on these thoughts ALL BY MYSELF. I will NEVER get facilitated on this.

But then I heard Byron Katie working with people on moments of physical or sexual contact with other people that were very troubling, and I remembered that when I first read Loving What Is, I almost gasped out loud when reading about a woman who was sexually abused as a child with an adult.

I thought, “Wait….you mean Katie is talking about even looking at THIS when it comes to our relationship with reality? But this IS terrible and horrifying and damaging for life, I could NEVER accept it!”

I wrote down my most foul, caustic, violent thoughts about those terrible abusers that mixed sexuality up with power and fear. I wanted to know the truth, for myself.

One day, I was driving by the strip club that is about a mile from my little cottage. I wrote down my thoughts later on this horrible place, that I hoped my children didn’t notice, even though there is a gigantic pair of women’s legs flashing in neon light 24 hours a day.

Then it occurred to me that I had never actually been inside the place, or any place like it, and I was scared of it. My ideas were all based on movies, hearsay and fear. I was mad at the sign…but what was that about?

A couple of weeks later, I went inside.

I looked, with open eyes, and had a very wide range of thoughts and feelings about all of it. I noted my most stressful thoughts. I had thoughts about the dancers, the men, the people who worked there, the person taking tickets…I mean, everyone there had so many problems!

Wow. I also saw beauty, and I saw that I didn’t really know what was going on.

By doing The Work this experience, I got the opportunity to ask more people about their experiences of attraction, romance, lust, and the differences between all of them. I asked people, if I could find them, why they liked going to such places, what they got out of it. It was so fascinating.

I got to facilitate many people through their beliefs about situations they felt disturbed by in their own lives that were similar.

I went for it and got facilitated by actual people on my own interests, attractions, lust, desires…by questioning awkward moments, scary moments, uncomfortable weird moments with other humans, I have grown beyond any boundaries I ever had around this topic.

To get that everyone is doing the best they can, is truly amazing. To get how fear brings on this huge wall of resistance and pain is such a relief.

I’ve never been interested in returning to the strip club, but I also notice, I’ve never thought the sign shouldn’t be there flashing itself anymore. Right now in this moment as I write, I discover I forgot all about it.

Next week there is still space in the teleclass Our Wonderful Sexuality class starting on Tuesday evenings 1/22 Pacific time (6:30-8:00 pm). If you’ve had the thought that you would never want to expose, or write about, or do the work “publicly” on this topic relating to sexuality or anything like it….this is a super safe, open container for questioning your most painful beliefs about it.

We have eight sessions and eight different exercises designed to help you write about those uncomfortable or disturbing situations that you want to investigate. Then we take the stressful thoughts to inquiry!

“We do not know what is outside the walls of the prison of our mind, because we have never ventured there. While our fear projects what is there, it cannot know. Fear cannot leave the prison because it must always guard its inmates. But, if the self collapses, if the walls come down, is it fear that remains, or is it freedom?” ~ Steven Harrison in Doing Nothing.

Love, Grace

Learn About Teleclasses Here

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I Gotta Quit But I Can’t

Yesterday I spoke with a gentle man who wanted to quit smoking. He started when he was a teenager. He’s been smoking for forty years. He might now have lung cancer.

He had tried to quit many times, more than ten. Sometimes he stopped for a couple of days, sometimes a week, sometimes 3 weeks.

And he said, with sadness in his eyes, “I don’t know why I start again…but I do, every time.”

I asked him about that moment when he has an urge to smoke.

The mind moves so fast, it likes to cover up or run past things that are uncomfortable, brush them under the rug. If it can’t brush them away or put it in a closet, then the way thoughts usually go, it seems, is that they get louder, angrier, more stressful, enraged.

The first step the Worried Mind thinks it needs to do, is to silence that tiny uncomfortable moment, thought, or experience…the second step is to try to crush it and destroy it and make sure it never happens again.

But that uncomfortable moment will happen again when this dear man quits smoking.

He has been so amazing to choose to smoke really, to bring himself to these moments of life/death and uncertainty.

There are many thoughts and beliefs that feel true that swirl around for people when they have something going on like smoking….and one of the most wonderful discoveries is finding out what is there, really, below the surface.

To get down under the situation and drill down into the core feelings and thoughts…you often have to start up on the surface.

For me, this is what the surface thoughts up on the outer crust are like:

  • I need a cigarette
  • Screw it, I want to be free to do whatever I please
  • I gotta get outta here
  • I hate (fill in the blank…that person, traffic, the rain)
  • I don’t fit in here
  • I need to calm down

These kinds of thoughts will surface and BOOM, right after they appear…you’re smoking.

Problem solved, situation over…NEXT. You escaped that moment and now, you can move on to the next one.

It feels a little safer to stay up here on the surface, dancing along with starting, quitting, relapsing, not even trying anymore, then trying, then quitting again.

Because under the surface is a bit scarier. At least it was for me. Digging down, there were more dangerous and frightening thoughts:

  • Life is hard
  • I don’t know how to deal with people
  • Everyone abandons me
  • I just want a little comfort in this difficult world
  • I will die
  • I can’t stand being here
  • I’m a terrible person
  • The world is a dangerous place, bad things have happened here

NOOO! I can’t admit that I think thoughts like this sometimes! What a pessimist! What a nervous wreck!

Have you noticed that the mind will turn on you just to have a target of its angst? It really seems to be compelled to ATTACK. Busy busy busy.

But to stop, and slow the difficult moment down into slow motion, or even if it’s speedy and screaming “RUUUUUUUUUNNNNNN!”

STOP and ask…..”is it true, that I need to do something, eat something, smoke something, ingest something, get outta here, get away from that person, quit feeling this feeling, quit thinking this way?”

I can’t stand this. Is it true? Are you absolutely sure? What is it specifically that you can’t stand? Living this whole life in a world that is dangerous and unpredictable?

Whew.

Who would I be without this thought that the world is a dangerous and unpredictable place? That I can’t take it? That I’d rather not be here?

I’d enter a place where I don’t know for sure what this all is. I’d be aware of how I don’t get it. Not knowing. Open. Empty. Wondering. Waiting. Not so scared. Feeling disturbed but not deciding anything, not doing anything.

Silence. Patience. Willingness. Falling and letting myself fall.

Curious to see what happens without smoking or eating something, without watching TV or seeking distraction. You mean, I COULD stand it? Maybe?

If you turned this thought all the way around and found examples of how this world is safe, this moment is ultimately safe, that you are safe right now…can you look at your life this way? Can you find genuine examples?

So far, I’ve noticed that I have been able to stay alive even though I am terrified. Without me even trying. I have been able to feel feelings, and question thoughts about this world and find that I’m not 100% sure it’s 100% terrible.

Yes, the world is completely and entirely unpredictable, it seems…but perhaps this is not a bad thing. Perhaps it is the way of it. OK. Not a problem.

The less afraid I have become, the less need for smoking, drinking, eating, distracting, thinking, ruminating…

I am willing to be afraid again today, I am willing to be terrified, I am willing to feel hurt or nervous, I am willing to live in an unpredictable world, I am willing to Not Know what is going on around here.

Because so far, I have been living in an unpredictable world, as it turns out…whether or not I gave it permission to be unpredictable.

“This unknowing has no limits. It extends beyond what we perceive to all we feel and think and do. It is ceasing to know how to cope with life, where we are going, what to do after the immediate task is done, what’s going to happen to us tomorrow, next week, next year. It’s walking one step at a time and blindfolded, in the assurance that the Space here–which is nothing and knows nothing but Itself–will nevertheless come up, moment by moment, with what’s needed.”~D.E. Harding from On Having No Head

You can handle any moment, anything that happens, anything you feel. You’ll handle it, even if you think you can’t. That’s the good news.

Today I have no urge to smoke, binge, drink heavily, and escape intensely with activity because I found out I couldn’t crush the uncomfortable moment, no matter what…

Reality won.

Love, Grace
Horrible Food Wonderful Food Weekend In-Person Intensive Seattle January 12-13, 2013 Saturday 10 – 5:30, Sunday 1:30-5:30. $215. To register click HERE now and then send me an email grace@workwithgrace.com.

Mark your calendar for Breitenbush, the end of June 2013! We will be looking at all aspects of what we consider to be flaws in the body, and Un-doing our beliefs about them. Stay tuned if you’d like to join me and Susan Grace Beekman from June 26-30, 2013. You can change your internal beliefs about what you think bodies should be like….and change your entire experience of being in yours.

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I Need Need Need That

What a fabulous Thursday morning this past week with the Money, Work and Business teleclass group. This particular class, the third session, is the one directly on MONEY.

I have spent hours and hours doing The Work on Money, and it fascinates me as an entity, energy, thing, exchange. Money is wonderful! I love playing with it, having it, spending it, not having it, understanding it. Like life.

There was a time once when I woke up at night quite often, thinking about money with a sick stomach, spinning mind, anxious, nervous, imagining the scenario of losing my house, of packing up my stuff in boxes and driving it to my mother’s house to put in her basement.

Nowhere to live of my own! A failure! A terrible parent! An idiot!

Fear enters in whenever we feel scared, threatened, uncertain. When the images our mind is coming up with are frightening, we get very tense, very stressed…it feels like there is an anvil on our chest and we can’t breathe.

This does not have to be about money. It can be about a person. It can be about your boss, a lover, a child.

Here comes the fear, here comes the obsessive, repetitive thinking.

If all was well, if we really felt it was a friendly universe and we could trust this at a core level, right in the middle of this situation, then we would not wake up at night.

I knew back then already that my own thinking was the actual “thing” that was out of control. My thinking was panicked. The key was identifying what thoughts I was having very specifically that created such fear.

I wrote down what I believed Money would give me, if I had it, if it was mine. You can do this with anything. Substitute your target of desire! Sometimes it’s a person, sometimes it’s a new job, sometimes it’s youth, health.

Ooooh, if I just HAD THAT….then I would be peaceful, happy, content, OK, relaxed.

For some people, the great object of desire is spiritual enlightenment. Once I have that, I’ll be fine.

Are you sure?

“It’s not reality that matters, but what you’re saying to yourself about it.”~Anthony De Mello

I found that I could not be sure that having money would make me happy. In fact, I was quite sure I knew people with lots of money who were not. Could I skip the middleman, as Katie says, and be happy right from here, right now?

If you think you can’t….good. Welcome to exploring the amazing mind. Welcome to seeing where you argue with reality.

So, write down what you believe would make you happy, if you had it. Why would it make you happy? What would you really have, if you had that thing?

If I had money, I would be secure, safe, comfortable, calm, peaceful, generous, entertained, proud. I cannot have these things without the money.

If my father were alive, if my house were bigger, if I drove a better car, if I had a life partner, if my children were successful…THEN I would be excited, ecstatic, spacious, powerful, satisfied, satiated, adventurous. And not before!!

You see that from where you stand, right here in this present moment, you believe it is not good enough, it could be better….later.

Is that absolutely true?

The mind creates these images of how it will be in the future….soon, we hope, when it will be better. Right now, I am reading a book in the evening and then *PING* this imaginary picture enters that suggests eating some food would make things even better.

That little thought can grow into a torrential thunderstorm of longing, hoping, anger, fury, rage, despair. This life right here, right now, is not good enough, not full enough, not big enough, not fun enough, not rich enough.

This moment needs improvement. Something is wrong.

As soon as I stopped believing that I needed more money the minute I had that thought, my mind started to slow down. The images seemed to dissolve away.

The way the fear dissolved? I did the Work, I asked myself if my thinking was real and true. Was the impending disaster that I conjured in a split second of imagining actually going to happen?

Who would I be without the thought that I needed more money in order to be safe, successful, stable, or proud?

And if I turned the thought around to the opposite….in this world of duality….how would that idea fit? I DO NOT NEED MORE MONEY. Can I find ways that this is genuinely, actively true in this moment?

Am I safe, secure, generous, calm, peaceful right now? Could it be that there is enough of anything I thought there was NOT enough of?

Suddenly, or sometimes more slowly, that moment of waking up in the night that felt like a nightmare looked simple, quiet, non-eventful. Yes, I was safe. Yes, I was breathing. Yes, I was secure and stable. Yes, I was up to the challenge of living without lots of stuff (in fact it was incredibly fun).

In fact, there were amazing benefits. I had more free time. No going out for dinners, movies, workshops. I read. I spent whole days alone. I began to love my own company like I never had before.

Trusting in the flow of life….the Universe appeared to be friendly. Wow.

“We’re all looking for love, in our confusion, until we find our way back to the realization that love is what we already are. That’s all. We’re looking for what we already have.”~ Byron Katie

If you don’t get it and this doesn’t make sense….if it just DOES NOT seem like you already have what you’re looking for….write down why you are so unhappy, write down what is missing, and begin to inquire.

This pain you feel may be your gateway to freedom.

Love, Grace

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Quitting Doesn’t Work

The thought to QUIT something is a common and understandable human strategy for managing difficult situations. Since that experience was bad…I’m never going to have it again!! I quit!

  • You want me to do WHAT on this job?! I quit!!
  • Constantly bending over backwards for money? I quit!
  • Uncomfortable with eating, smoking, drinking, using? I quit!
  • Feeling very annoyed or unhappy in this relationship? I quit!
  • Angry, hurt, afraid of “x”? I quit!
  • Despairing with the state of this world, of life? I quit!

In many situations, people decide to take the path of renunciation. It feels easiest, most clear, most precise, perhaps the most powerful.

Renunciates, in many religious traditions, are those who have made vows to give up many things; wealth, possessions, and passion (sexuality). People can often see the benefit in what it would be like to never have lust, longing, desire, wanting.

In both Christian and Buddhist, and many other religious paths, the freedom offered by renunciating the world and our needs in it are considered holy. More spiritual. I can get down to the business of communing with God, Spirit, Source, Universe.

I was very drawn to this approach to problem-solving. Instead of being so frustrated with not getting what I want, I would just quit asking, quit looking for it. I would QUIT WANTING!

Boy, that approach sure didn’t work. I could suppress, smash down, abandon, reject, deny, yield, veto myself, and give up and it would feel 100% forever! Never again will I speak to that person! Never again will I binge-eat!

In a matter of time…the struggle would reappear. I would need more resolve or a bigger will.

When I was 19 I decided I was going to be detached from now on (I quit!) from my past. I was going to be in the present moment. My past did not matter. I was going to stop repeating patterns.

I became fascinated with monks and renunciates, with devotees who stepped away from normal life. I became a Comparative Religion major in college (before I quit!)

In this world but NOT of it! Screw this world!

I packed everything I owned into my car. I went to the dump. I watched like a pure observer as all my school yearbooks, my photo albums, my journals, my favorite books, most of my clothes, my special childhood toys, my keepsakes fell from my hands into the enormous and deep hole that would then be trucked off into the garbage pits.

A grand purge of anything from my past history. Ready to start fresh and new.

Unfortunately, to my deepest despair, I found that it did not work. Just like diets, berating myself, being harsh, hating myself, or making plans to “get rid” of things. Rats.

There had to be another way.

I began to realize, even back then before I had encountered Byron Katie, that inquiry actually comes alive in all of us, in whatever way it can—-it is waiting. The mind begins to question itself. It wonders. It asks. It believes. It repeats itself, it is very persistent.

So I stopped renunciating, I stopped quitting. I stopped all “New Years Resolutions”. I stopped big grand sweeping Rejections. Only because they didn’t ever seem to work. They didn’t actually feel good, and I couldn’t stick with them.

It is such a strange and great paradox, because even though I quit quitting…I knew that I could live lovingly and peacefully, without the pain of wanting something to be different. I just KNEW it was possible.

It may seem counter-intuitive, a little crazy perhaps, somewhat confusing….but the way beyond “quitting” is to study the very thing I want to quit.

I open to this situation and allow it to be here. In fact, I know that since this situation brings up a lot of feelings, and thoughts, it is full of teaching. It is full of the possibility of discovery, of enlightenment.

So that thing, that person, that behavior, those thoughts, those feelings, that job, that relationship, that substance that you imagine “quitting”….write them down. Write down everything you hate about it and love about it. Use the Judge Your Neighbor worksheet.

Then begin to inquire. Study and investigate your most painful thoughts and feelings. It’s like taking inventory (this is done in the 12 Step programs). Don’t quit it! Study it all!

Here is the amazing thing that can come from this simple process: The things that you wanted to quit? They will quit you.

Ram Tzu knows this…

You are perfect.
Your every defect
Is perfectly defined.
Your every blemish
Is perfectly placed.
Your every absurd action
Is perfectly timed.
Only God could make
Something this ridiculous
Work.
Ram Tzu , NO WAY for the Spiritually “Advanced”

Love, Grace