Category: Addiction

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Worrying About Wants, Cravings and Desires

When people have the experience of over-doing, over-indulging, going too far, having too much, stuffing in work, food, money, experiences, love, sex….

grabbing, craving, wanting, getting, gimme…..

….there is often a judgment that follows about this feeling of desire that it is to be avoided, crushed, and suppressed.

Pleasure? Bad. Desire? Worse. Obsessive craving? Horrid.

Based on past experience of how horrible it feels to have a hangover, or be stuffed with food, or neglect your kids because you’re working so hard….the mind thinks “this craving must be stopped, it’s dangerous”. 

I sure thought that.

So have many people I’ve worked with on their addictive experience, whatever it is. Not just food (my personal favorite) but all kinds of other cravings.

People have told me they wished they could have a lobotomy and cut out the part of their mind that WANTS.

I think the Puritans agreed. And Ascetics.

Anyone interested in controlling themselves and practicing abstaining from “that-seductive-thing”.

Well, that never worked well for me. Like not even for 5 minutes. And I felt really, really bad about it.

Recently, I was remembering a short period of time where I felt that obsessive form of energy about a man.

Instead of cringing the minute I remembered that crush-fear-danger-magnetic-disgust….

….I let the memory live in my mind.

Those memories that make you cringe? GREAT ones for The Work of course!!

Bring ’em on!

That attraction was dangerous.

Is it true?

Yes. He was nuts, he lied, he dropped off the face of the earth, he was depressed. I was SAD.

Can I absolutely KNOW that it’s true that the feeling of attraction was dangerous?

No!

Were my binge-eating, drinking, smoking, over-working, addictive drives ultimately dangerous?

No. I’m still here.

Things got broken apart. Ideas got torn up. Plans got blitzed.

And something new started in its place. Something much more peaceful and expansive.

Something was always there underneath all the destroying and creating going on up on the roller-coaster ride mental surface.

How do I react when I believe that all this wanting or craving is bad news?

I’m against all wanting, craving, desire. I think I need to be vigilant.

I start being against hunger, against the body having needs, against noticing what I find pleasing.

It all gets balled up in one big thought that I want to throw all craving in the garbage.

And if I have one second of craving, I call myself an idiot.

Ouch.

Who would you be without the thought that craving, desiring, wanting, or reaching is bad for me, dangerous, destructive, or wrong?

You mean….this craving could be safe? Neutral? Not something to be afraid of? Natural?

Not something I have to DO something about?

Yes.

Here’s the amazing thing that happens, and I began to notice this long ago around food and eating. If I paused and made no decision, didn’t hack the feeling to bits….

….relaxed, waited….sometimes only for one moment….the craving passed.

Like a wave.

“Each time we move to modify, alter, neutralize or try to get rid of the energies arising, we’re back in the cycle of addictive seeking. We’re looking for something else, something more. We’re trying to control our experience and the thoughts and feelings coming through. We’re overlooking the natural rest of presence.” ~ Scott Kiloby

Turning the thought around:

Being drawn over towards something out there (including a person) is safe, good.

I come back to me, here, now and feeling this thing I’m calling a craving, or an attraction.

Let it be.

Allowing any desires, wants, pleasures to arise and be present….I notice they NEVER stay in the same place.

They build, they shift, they change, they fall away. They are created and they are destroyed. 

“Thoughts are like the wind, or the leaves on the trees, or the raindrops falling. They’re not personal, they don’t belong to us, they just come and go.” ~ Byron Katie 

The relief of knowing that the actual feeling of craving is safe, and normal, can be very liberating.

Who are you without the thought that your attractions are dangerous?

With love,

Grace

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Progress Not Perfection

A little sweet slogan that comes to me from time to time, because of hearing it often for many years, is “progress, not perfection”.

You may have heard this at a 12 Step meeting….that’s where I first heard it about 25 years ago.

The other day I was making my way to the kitchen (hauling myself there with crutches). I paused, set my crutches against the counter in a corner so they wouldn’t slide and clatter to the ground. I leaned against the sink.

As I was drinking a glass of water, I stared out the window at the rain, heard the wind chimes clanging, gazed at dust on the half-opened wooden blinds.

Suddenly that saying was floating through my mind and I considered “progress” and then “not perfection”.

Progress? Does that mean I must always will myself to move forward, strive, build, gain, gather, improve?

I LOVE progress, want progress, crave progress.

As long as I’m using my will to get to perfection!

Now…..in that moment…..the awareness that will wasn’t necessary at all. I felt thirst. It (me) got up.

In that situation, staring out the window, drinking water, hearing the bells of wind blowing chimes….

…I could also see some part of me with the thought “About those crutches…..this is not enough, I want to walk with both legs” like it was perched there up on a ledge, available if I grabbed it.

These kinds of thoughts enter the mind off and on all day, that there might be something better, some progression….some improvement happening just around the corner. 

Great time for the work.

This situation is too slow, quiet, non-progressive….I am not making fast enough progress. 

Not only with walking, but with my business, my writing, my success, my adventures.

Is that true?

Well….YEAH.

Such a big world! So little time!

Are you absolutely sure? You’re not progressing? Like even with awareness, enlightenment, satori?

But! If I don’t “work” on myself I won’t…..make progress! Towards perfection!

How do you react when you believe the thought that you are on a journey, and this particular spot here, now, is not THERE there?

The way I react is I press on. Determination. Try everything. Flip over to the other side and give up. Flop back again.

I “work” on myself. I take work-shops. I seek.

And who would you be without the belief that you gotta get that “x” handled to make progress? Without the belief that you need improvement?

Weird.

Lighter though. Kind of like putting down a heavy rock.

“We don’t need the power to carry out God’s will. What we need is the humility to see that we already are God’s will, that we’re sitting right in the middle of that will, that what’s going on is that will, and that there is not, in fact, anything other than that will.” ~ Fred Davis in Beyond Recovery 

Oh! Wow!

I stand still, stare out the window, have the use of only one leg, and again….a flash….there is not a huge feeling of resistance.

There is not a terrible problem.

The turnaround is alive!

And I notice, there is always progress, even if I don’t know in my mind to what end, there is change, things get damaged, then repaired, then born, then die, then built, then fall down, then it’s very still, then it’s very busy, then….

I see that I don’t have to do anything (I actually can’t) about my injury, my healing.

I have the thought to go swimming and it delights me and my mother takes me to the pool.

Every day something tiny changes in my leg. I am not doing that.

Every day I move a little more, have less pain, or practice relaxing with what is here.

I am not in control. I am not running this reality.

“Rushing into action, you fail. Trying to grasp things, you lose them. Forcing a project to completion, you ruin what was almost ripe. Therefore the Master takes action, by letting things take their course.” ~ Tao Te Ching #64

With much love,

Grace
P.S. Eating Peace starts next Wednesday 9-10:30 am. All are welcome who feel confused, upset, stressed, despairing about their relationship to food.

 

 

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The Hook Before The Fall

Quick announcement: If you are interested, or know someone who would be, in working with me in a small group to investigate bulimia or painful binge-purge eating, then I am offering a program for the first time for those with this type of disordered eating.

We’ll meet on Wednesdays, January 8th from 9-10:30 am Pacific Time and meet for 8 weeks. Send me a quick reply to this email and I’ll give you all the details. You can see for yourself if its right for you to participate.

*****

In so many ways, any one addiction is like every other addiction. People have their favorites, their specialties, the ones that “work” for them or that they are drawn to or trapped in.

But you don’t really call it an addiction until you see it does NOT actually work, it’s harmful, it’s a mixed love/hate kind of experience.

For me, I either ate food, smoked tobacco, or drank alcohol…or worried, obsessed, grew more and more fearful.

I remember the feeling right in the moment of moving towards the activity, even though I swore I wouldn’t do it again.

These were my thoughts:

  • I don’t care, I need this
  • I’d feel desperate (or irritated, angry, scared) without this “x”
  • there is no love, kindness, safety, power, rest, entertainment or care for me here now
  • it doesn’t matter what happens later
  • I’ll stop doing this tomorrow
  • I hate this feeling
  • I must satisfy this craving

It appears that there is a moment of discomfort, whether extreme or mild, or a painful idea or memory. Then comes anxiety, loneliness, pressure, wanting to relax, anger, mystery, emptiness, self-criticism, fear, craving, self-doubt, worry, sadness….

….and then these thoughts to ease that feeling, change the feeling, ASAP.

I know it all seems to happen very, very fast. Almost unconsciously. It begins to happen in the snap of a finger.

So let’s question the thoughts.

Is it true that you need to do this? Is it true that this feeling won’t end unless you do your activity (drink, smoke, eat, internet, phone, emails, shop, spend, TV, contact “x”)?

Is it true that you should control this feeling, this craving, or that it is too big for you right now?

Yes, it certainly felt that way. Overwhelming feelings, a pull like a gravitational force, like a wave that has to crash on the sand.

Can you absolutely know it’s true that you need to do this? That this moment and the feelings in it are too big right now?

No. Something feels right also about NOT engaging in this behavior. I know other people who don’t do it, and they’re fine.

Are you sure you’re powerless? Are you sure you’re not safe? Are you sure you’re not loved? Are you sure you can’t rest?

No.

How do you react when you think the thought that you need to do this thing that also hurts you? What happens?

I scream at myself in my own head. I feel scared, nervous, unhappy, alone. Against some parts of my life. I feel like giving up. I think it doesn’t matter anyway.

I call myself a loser.

But who would you be without the thought that this feeling is terrible? That you can’t handle this moment? That this is too uncomfortable? That you’re completely powerless (in a bad way)? That you need to go do that thing, get that food, drink that alcohol, smoke that cigarette, surf the internet?

Who would you be without the thought that there is no love, safety, rest, power, comfort and connection for you right here, right now?

Pause to see.

Without the thought “I need to do this”?

I might stop. I might cry. I might call someone for true, honest, intimate connection. I might lie down, rest, listen. I might punch a pillow and yell, or go on a walk. I might be silent.

I turn the beliefs around.

  • I do care, I don’t need to do this
  • I will feel desperate (or irritated, angry, scared) with this “x”
  • there is love, kindness, safety, power, rest, entertainment or care for me here now…how could I access it or receive it?
  • it does matter what happens later
  • I will stop doing this now (or, I will not stop doing this tomorrow)
  • I love/accept this feeling, I can stay with it, open to it
  • I must not satisfy this craving, this craving will end without me
“Nobody chooses dysfunction, conflict, pain. Nobody chooses insanity. This happens because there is not enough presence in you to dissolve the past…You are not fully here.” ~ Eckhart Tolle 

 

“An uncomfortable feeling is not an enemy. It’s a gift that says, ‘Get honest; inquire.’ We reach out for alcohol, or television, or credit cards, so we can focus out there and not have to look at the feeling. And that’s as it should be, because in our innocence we haven’t known how. So now what we can do is reach out for a paper and a pencil, write thought down, and investigate.

Just hit reply if you’re interested in the 8 week teleclass to take a deep dive into the greater extremes of painful eating, binge-purge cycles, bulimia or over-exercising.

And whatever your go-to relief is that doesn’t provide deep rest…question your thoughts about what isn’t possible for you.

If I could have the addictive cycle fall away, without violence against myself, or rules, or discipline…..so can you, so can you.

Much love, Grace

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The Scale And Your Worth

The Horrible Food Wonderful Food teleclass is underway right now. One dear participant mentioned something to me that I have heard many times before.

I sometimes suggest that people give up their bathroom scales….you know, the ones that calculate body weight. She said, “I could never give up my scale, I have to weigh myself twice a day.”

Measuring things can be incredibly powerful. Documenting, looking, examining, surveying, gathering data. These are invaluable for studying information, analyzing. Especially when you are totally uncertain about how something works.

It’s so amazing to have ways to track something over time that may not be entirely conscious. Like lets say a scientist is studying a brand new species of insect. She could open her computer and write down every hour what is happening, as she watches through a camera the insect’s behaviors in its habitat.

But if the scientist has gathered information for a year, and has tracked the whole lifecycle of the insects several times….but then can’t stop documenting that insect’s behavior…it could be a little weird, right?

The problem with the scale situation is of course not the scale, but the lack of deep inner trust around eating and weight. The belief for me was “I do not understand my weight fluctuation, therefore, I must measure it constantly….otherwise, I might grow heavier and not even realize it!!!”

I used to feel extremely anxious if I didn’t have access to a scale. And then, I felt extremely anxious if I DID have access to a scale.

The thought I had way back when I had a scale was that if I saw the number was too high, it would alarm me and push me towards weight-loss strategies. If I saw the number was low, then I could feel happy and proud for being a “good” weight.

I believed I needed a measuring device, that I couldn’t feel deeply what was right for me on the inside.

Last week when I was at the hospital in the surgery pavilion, before I was sent to change my clothes into the hospital gown and before the kind nurse put in the IV into the back of my hand, they had me go to the scale.

I watched the electronic bright red numbers speeding by and balancing out to the exact ounce. I remembered the way I used to feel in this waiting half-second “Oh I hope it’s going to land on a good weight and give me good news!”

It was about the exact same number I’ve been mostly for my adult life, but for a flash I thought “isn’t that amazing”.

Still the same. Without trying for it, wanting it, setting it as a goal, or caring about it. Amazing, because I once thought I needed to run this whole food, eating, weight situation!

I remembered when I used to want the scale to say that number, when I had an eating disorder and my weight fluctuated up and down a bit.

I used to strive for that number, wish for that number. Just tell me what to eat so I can always have that number.

Then I threw away my scale, because I used it too often and for the wrong reasons: to feel good or feel bad. I let the scale tell me what kind of person I was. I didn’t want that from a piece of metal that measured weight. I wanted to be good no matter what.

Is it true that the amount you weigh means you are good, or bad? Worthy or unworthy? Lovable or Not Lovable? Attractive or Unattractive?

Long ago, I found the answer was “NO”. Even though I had been acting like it was “YES”.

Who was I when I believed that my weight had something to do with my character, my lovableness, my worthiness, my power, my strength, my attractiveness?

Horribly obsessed with weight. Angry. Hungry. Overeating. Undereating. Calculating, planning and trying to control food.

Jumping on the scale every day, and at the gym, and in other places where scales were sitting around.

Who was I without the thoughts that without a scale, I can’t be trusted, that my weight MEANS good/bad, lovable/repulsive, worthy/unattractive?

Open to another way. Open to not knowing. Relaxing, resting at a most deep level, slowing down. Not planning.

Taking a deep breath. Eating and noticing the flavors, the beauty, the texture.

Practicing feeling Joy, Quiet and Peace in the presence of food, or mirrors, or scales.

Living the turnaround. Turning towards the light, the inner light.  

“Enlightenment is to be totally Un-Self-Concious, Un-Ego-Conscious. It’s to be free of self-reflection. Isn’t it the biggest bain on humanity to be always reflecting on oneself? ‘How am I doing, I like it, I hate it, this is hard, my life’s difficult’. Constant reflection…..I’ve never met anybody who was addicted to anything who was ever able to get beyond it until they really saw and came to grips with ‘this is not working’.” ~ Adyashanti

Much love, Grace

P.S. 8 week teleclass on food/eating starts again on January 15, and the Year of Inquiry for the Addictive Mind YOI starts on January 10th.

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Could I Be Wrong About Myself?

Feeling remorse about your own behavior is a horrible feeling. It hits you in your body, your stomach, and in your feelings and thoughts like a dark sticky cloud.

Not long ago I was working with a woman who had the same bulimia behaviors I used to have. Going on these eating frenzies, consuming frantically, and then forcing herself to vomit once she couldn’t hold any more.

As I sat in my quiet cottage, on skype, hearing this woman’s words and sadness (which I’ve done many times with many clients) I remembered vividly the strange trance of addiction with food.

It can be any addiction really.

The urge seems to enter into your world and take over, like a magical evil fog.

Then the actual behavior, so destructive and painful. Sometimes like a tornado, sometimes violent, sometimes getting up and going back to the fridge for a little more, and then a little more, so many times until being stuffed.

Then later, I’d wake up after the whole nightmare was over and have some period of rest….before the next time.

No matter what it is you did when you feel regret, it’s pretty stressful…but when you’ve engaged in addictive behavior of some kind like overeating…your sense of esteem after the whole episode is over can be absolutely horrendous.

I did it again. I’m such a loser. I’m so weak. I’ll never change. No one would love the real me, that does this. I’m greedy, selfish, wrong. I deserve to die. 

There are tons of other activities that seem to enter the human experience of addiction.

Eating, drinking alcohol, doing drugs, smoking, cleaning the house compulsively, watching screens/videos/TV, shopping, pornography, lying, betting.

All of them offer a phase of reflection, when the behavior or activity is completed for the moment, and regret and remorse enters the scene.

It felt like I was my own worst enemy, but it was super heavy in those moments after the current storm passed. Before the next one.

I couldn’t stand myself. I couldn’t take this cycle anymore. If it kept going, I would prefer to die!

The thing about these terrible moments is that there is tremendous emphasis and focus on how terrible we are…..and it hides some other really, really important stressful beliefs.

Even when what you did wasn’t all that bad, but it’s something you promised you wouldn’t do again.

You procrastinated, you bought another music CD, you yelled at your kid, you ordered another book.

In that moment, when normally you’ve hated yourself, see if you can dig in and find some other beliefs, even if the ones that are against you are screaming loudly, that were happening BEFORE you went on your raving trip into mind-altering behavior.

Often, there is something that scared you. Something that made you really mad (also fear). Something that made you sad (fear of loss). Something that made you uncomfortable (fear again). Something that made you giddy (huge excitement, kinda feels like fear).

Bingo.

If you can find one thing you were afraid of a few hours ago, right before you had the idea to go on a binge, right before you decided you had to have a cigarette.

If it wasn’t before, don’t even worry much about that.

Just notice what you think of as scary in your life.

The client I was working with noticed one thing she was afraid of in those evening moments, alone in the house, hours before bedtime, when she felt like eating everything in sight.

Empty space.

Then her mind would start to think about what she should be doing, from cleaning the bathroom to developing her career and earning more money, to finding a mate.

It was easier to start snacking.

But, not really.

It is not easier to avoid your thoughts. It is not easier to avoid your feelings. It is not easier to pretend that your thoughts aren’t bothering you.

It is easier to notice that you are a believer of very painful beliefs.

And investigate if they are true.

I found that actually, it’s your only choice.

“People who aren’t interested in seeing why everything is good get to be right. But that apparently rightness comes with disgruntlement, and often depression and separation. Depression can feel serious. So ‘counting the genuine ways that this unexpected event happened FOR me, rather than TO me’ is not a game. It’s an exercise in observing the nature of life. It’s a way of putting yourself back into reality, into the kindness of the nature of things.” ~ Byron Katie

In that moment, when your head comes up out of the water and you’ve stop eating, or spending, or you wake up sober….

….can you even consider the turnarounds to be as true or truer than your thoughts about how awful you’ve been.

I did it again. Some part of me is losing, and that’s OK. I’m so powerful. There is a central part of me that never changes (good), and I have the power to change at any second. The whole world loves me, even when I’ve done my crazy behaviors. I’m greedy for love and joy (good), I’m selfish and that is appropriate, I’m afraid. I deserve to live. 

What is this moment, this thought, this experience offering me? There is a gift.

Yes, even in this painful moment.

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Hitting Bottom, Giving Up, And Entering Now

Recently I was listening to an old recording of a man called Father Martin, who was an alcoholic who entered a treatment facility for clergymen in 1958.

The recording had little tick and gravelly sounds, like it was very old, a nostalgic feel like a moment from history.

I could hear this man using a powerful mind to analyze, comprehend, and understand this process of alcoholism, and his own painful experience.

The day before I listened to the recording, I had been a part of a spontaneous and profound discussion amongst myself and three other wonderful friends (one being my husband) as we left an event at the same time.

It had been one of those beautiful conversations that arises unexpectedly where we were all sharing deep observations, standing there with our bags and backpacks, having thought we were going home but instead lingering for over 90 minutes until after midnight, listening to one another, thinking, observing out loud.

A council of the wise, in an unplanned moment.

One point that had come up with these dear friends…why some people suffer, crash, find peace or make significant life changes, and why some do not?

For example, why do some addicts hit bottom, find themselves in ruin, recognize a deep need to stop the way they view the world, and make a life change….and some do not?

As I listened to Father Martin I thought of that conversation. I thought that actually, everyone does stop.

It’s just that some people do it before they die. Others wait until death.

“When a person says I can’t handle it, I need help….there’s hope.” ~ Father Martin

I thought about this balance between learning and growing within this individual mind and the support and help I’ve received from what appears to be outside this thing called “me”.

Such an odd thing.

Aware of this “me” that is a personality and a body, that was born and will die on its own….and yet noticing that whatever this person here is….it is a part of the molecules and surrounding entities, life, environment, objects, energies, influences, other people, everything.

Truly connected to it all, in the soup with it all. Entirely merged with everything, part of a field.

But enough of the cosmic stuff.

There is something comforting about the possibility of entering a moment of surrender, agony, or disaster that forces an individual to wake up.

Or if not comforting exactly, something magnetic about that story. He or she was like that, for many years….and then one day…something happened.

And it was good. The suffering at such an acute level was over.

It doesn’t have to be about alcohol.

In fact, its not really ever about drinking alcohol, using, smoking, compulsively surfing the internet, not being able to stop cleaning your house, or any other “addictive” process.

All those behaviors are born out of difficult THINKING. Difficult perceptions, believing painful thoughts. Having a relationship to the universe that is fearful, nervous, sad, worried, angry.

“Your whole life has been about finding a way out. You’ve tried therapy,
coaching, meditation, bodywork, creative visualization, positive thinking,
network marketing, blue-green algae, everything you can possibly try to
save you. And suddenly you realize there is no way out. There is a complete stop. You are simply here. There’s no escape.” ~ Joan Tollifson

Dang it! I wanted the Get-Outta-Normal-Life-Free Card!

Not really. Not now.

As I look back on my own life journey, I remember the time in my twenties when I was suicidally depressed. My moods swung from wildly hopeful to horrendously pessimistic.

Life felt very volatile, unpredictable and frightening. I reached out for help. I did NOT want to die young.

What was really volatile, unpredictable and frightening? My stories about the world, my thinking.

I suppose I did hit bottom in that story…facing the fact that my own approach to life was not working, was too stressful, was deadly.

I not only quit binge-eating and starving myself and smoking tobacco and drinking alcohol in drunken quantities….I most importantly began to question what I believed at a very, very deep level.

When you can stop long enough to question your thinking for a moment when difficult things happen, then your bottoms and tops become closer together, less deep, less high.

Maybe there are little bottoms all day long, little reminders that you are not in charge, you are not getting special treatment, and there’s really no way out of this.

Just in case you’re one of those people who may be thinking you have never hit bottom, or had a huge shake-up, or never faced a moment when it was a matter of life or death for you to change….and you long for a Big Change…

…answer right now: is it true that you need to hit bottom? that you need big pain or confusion to alter your life experience? that you need to have some major shift of consciousness like Byron Katie or Eckhart Tolle?

Is it true that you need to wake up out of dream NOW, with a bang? Do you need to have a big discovery inside to henceforth have a better life?

No, doesn’t appear to be true. Some people wake up more gently and slowly, in baby steps.

Some people don’t make much change.

The thing about hitting bottom is that you don’t really know you hit it until long afterwards, and you look back and can see how you turned in a different direction.

Without the belief that I need to shift, change, have a waking up experience, become enlightened, see differently….then I really have just about no future.

I am here now with no expectations.

No way out.

“Stand in your own shoes, and examine closely: What’s happening right here and right now? Is it possible to let go of trying to make anything happen? Even in this moment, there may be some suffering, there may be some unhappiness, but even if there is, is it possible to no longer push against it, to try to get rid of it, to try to get somewhere else?” ~ Adyashanti

Love, Grace

P.S. only one space left for YOI group that starts on Thursday 9/12. If connecting with a group to question your beliefs for a year sounds wonderful, then maybe now’s the time! Join us!

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Have To, Must, Never, Always and Other Lies

Not long ago I was working with a lovely man concerned with his computer addiction.

“I have to quit” he said. “Hours and hours go by with me staring at the screen, bouncing from site to site”.

I remembered other inquirers looking at their internet use, signing up for porn sites either for free or paying for subscriptions, movies, you tube, vines, vlogs, blogs, research, reading articles, email, facebook, linked in, pinterest, google plus.

Uh…watching “non-dual” speakers (there are hundreds) talk about the nature of reality. Heh heh.

I remember another person I once knew when he first introduced himself to me talking about his sobriety and how he never, never, ever, ever, never would ever take a drink again and could never, ever be with people who drank alcohol.

He was drunk a couple of weeks later.

Pronouncements that are full of across-the-board this-is-it FOREVER often have a bit of an extreme edge.

They are infused with force. At least when I have uttered these kinds of statements and there’s a kind of push….then I feel angry, discouraged, defiant, terrified, violent.

Not exactly kind, easy-going, or peaceful.

A very common cry in the addictive cycle is to say words like “I have to” or “I will never” or “I will always”.

There you are, reaching for the big yummy container of ice cream, filled with craving. Or reaching for your cigarettes and lighter. Or thinking about that beer. Or feeling a need to check your emails. Or deciding to watch videos.

In that very moment, what do you want? If you engage in the behavior, did you get what you want?

I used to want to let my anger out. To talk to people and tell the damn truth for once.

But instead, I would then think “I can’t tell the truth, that won’t help, I’ll be rejected, my anger is too strong, I am too needy, I want to be a nice person but I don’t feel nice, I’m too critical, I’ll settle for over-eating instead.”

That all happened in about 2/10ths of a second.

DANGER WILL ROBINSON, don’t tell the truth, don’t be REAL. Worse things will happen.

You’ll be rejected, obliterated, annihilated, lonely, alone, dead, insane, you’ll hurt other people…it will be bad.

Seriously. Go for the behavior instead. Change channels. Shut the craving down.

It seemed like my best choice at the time, based on what I believed, to eat alone, instead of truly expose myself.

Who would you be without the thought that at your core, without the addictive behavior to “help” manage your feelings or cover up your unhappiness, you are rotten and unlovable (when you’re upset)?

What if you realize that yes, when you touch a hot stove it burns, but you don’t need to throw the stove out of the house or stay away from stoves for the rest of your life?

What if you could relax when you have a strong urge or craving, and be curious?

What if your want, desire, urge, reaching, grasping is just a part of you, and a part of this big interesting invitation to see what is really, honestly true for you in that moment?

Are you SURE you wanna do that thing you think you wanna do?

“The biggest human temptation is to settle for too little”. ~ Thomas Merton 

Are you SURE you DON’T want to do it? Are you SURE you want to stop?

Ah, there’s a question. Because for me, the answer was obviously “no”. Because I didn’t.

What if I wasn’t so against and resistant to this terrible craving, so filled with fury, wanting to control it, anger, extreme thinking, emptiness?

Who would I be without the thought that I MUST stop, I have to, I can never, I must be vigilant, I should always….

Wow. Relieved. Fascinated. So much more energy. Connected. Wondering. Open. Possibility.

Free.

Could this craving be a gift?

I now look back and see….yes, yes, yes.

“Resist your temptation to lie by speaking of separation from God, otherwise we may have to medicate You. In the ocean a lot goes on beneath your eyes. Listen, they have clinics there too for the insane who persist in saying things like: ‘I am independent from the Sea, God is not always around gently pressing against my body.’ ” ~ Hafiz

Instead of shutting yourself down, medicating yourself with shame or unhappiness at your own behaviors, or lying about what an unreliable, grabby, addicted person you are….consider instead the turnaround to be true.

In that moment of desire, urgency, reaching…could there be something more satisfying, more thrilling, more wonderful, bigger, deeper, more beautiful than you’re aware of?

What if you are aware, you’re just pretending that you’re not? What if that’s the moment you’ve been waiting for….connection to All This?

What if you can handle the fire?

If I can, you can too.

The One Year Program is devoted to staying in inquiry, when you apparently think it might be easier to believe your lies. Join us.

Love, Grace

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Thank you, Relationship With Food

Most of you know that I consider one of my first difficult relationships the one I developed with food and eating.

It came in as a distinct relationship around adolescence, the usual time young people are becoming interested in adulthood, attraction to others, sexuality, greater responsibility.

I was afraid of the universe. Things did NOT look all that safe to me.

But from that time forward, I can honestly say that I never, ever stayed happily, openly, easily, freely on any kind of a food plan or diet.

I would decide on a late afternoon one day, “tomorrow, I am going to quit consuming Evil Sugar in all forms” and by 9:30 am the next morning I would decide “nevermind, I am going to eat whatever the hell I want”.

I gave up going on food plans or diets pretty early in my troubled eating experience. It was extremely painful to fail, when I already felt like a big failure around food and eating.

Well, recently, after hearing about it for a few years, I came to the conclusion that for three weeks, it was a pretty darn good idea for me to make some changes in my diet.

Which means, not eating whatever I want, whenever I want it.

This is honestly the first time I can remember doing this in my life since my relationship to food stopped being a violent war zone, 25 years ago.

If I’ve done some kind of food plan or been under medical guidance to not eat something, I can’t remember it, so it didn’t make a big impact.

My story has continued to be, I will eat whatever, whenever, however, whichever I want.

Sort of rebellious, I must confess.

But also, a great exploration in experimenting, learning to not be afraid of particular foods I had been told were evil (like candy), finding out for myself what actually worked for me and what didn’t.

I was so deeply committed to seeing things without a moral evaluation attached.

When I was young, people actually would say, when they ate certain foods, that it was naughty, sneaky, cheating, or bad.

Like there was some kind of dark, seductive, haunting, terrible force in that food…like the DEVIL.

But recently, all these years later….there I was actually reading about food chemistry, calories, agents, molecules, all because I thought I’d do some research on some symptoms I was having…

….and I wound up cutting out a bunch of types of food from my normal daily diet.

Just a temporary experiment, allowing myself to see what is actually true for this particular body.

Here’s the funny part I wanted to share with you all: the day after I decided it sounded interesting to do this….an old voice called me on the inner-mind telephone.

“Uh, Grace….remember me? I’m the rebellious teenager who will not be denied here. You are skating on thin ice. Do you want to fail? Are you sure you want to cut out those yummy foods you eat EVERY DAY? This is a little too much focus on food, don’t you think?”

It crossed my mind to drop the whole thing. After maybe 15 hours, 8 of which I was asleep.

Almost immediately, I recognized the fear in that voice, the one who thinks it will be deprived, starving, frightened, restricted, controlled, bossed around, and abused.

Long ago, my restriction of food, and then the huge binge-eating episodes, was like the Dictator in the Concentration Camp withholding food in a war with a Raging Urge to Stay Alive.

Back then, it was outright war, and no solution. Everyone lost, all the time.

No happiness or joy in any of those extreme swings.

I felt great compassion for that old self, so terrified as it once was.

And I saw the idea floating up to be questioned “I can’t handle this, I will be deprived, this will hurt, I won’t get what I want, too scary, too hard.”

Is that true?

Can I really absolutely know for sure that eliminating these foods and doing an experiment of eating other things instead will be too hard, that I’ll be deprived or scared or angry or hungry?

No. I can’t know that for sure.

In fact, the whole point is to see if the opposite is true. Jeez.

“So, how do you get back to heaven? To begin with, just notice the thoughts that take you away from it. You don’t have to believe everything your thoughts tell you. Just become familiar with the particular thoughts you use to deprive yourself of happiness. It may seem strange at first to get to know yourself in this way, but becoming familiar with your stressful thoughts will show you the way home to everything you need.” ~ Byron Katie

Who would I be without the belief that switching around what I am eating in this time/space reality is gonna be difficult, in any way?

Totally excited to play this game. Noticing the fun of learning. Noticing how easy it is to say “no” and then say “yes” and take care of this body the best I know how to, for today.

Turning that impulse around that believes this food experience could mean deprivation, I find these words coming alive: “I can handle this, I will be satisfied, I am satisfied right now, this will heal, I will get what I want, this isn’t scary, this is easy, this is actually fun.”

 “Life always gives us exactly the teacher we need at every moment. This includes every mosquito, every misfortune, every red light, every traffic jam, every obnoxious supervisor (or employee), every illness, every loss, every moment of joy or depression, every addiction, every piece of garbage, every breath. Every moment is the Guru.” ~ Joan Tollifson

Even a little idea about changing the way we eat….which may be a bigger idea than we think….is our teacher.

For me, one of the greatest teachers, a holy representation of my belief about life.

Thank you, Relationship With Food.

Love, Grace

P.S. Weekend intensive on Food and Eating in Seattle December 14-15, 2013. Click HERE for brief description—more on this coming soon.

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Getting Un-Addicted To Addictive Thinking

Yesterday I received not one, but two letters from participants in the One Year Program of Inquiry that I facilitate.

Our group began meeting in June, and we connect by phone or skype with a different topic each month. Then we’ll meet live and in person in both September and next March (for those who can travel to Seattle).

I’m excited, because a second group will start on Thursdays, Sept 12th in the afternoon instead of the mornings (5:15 to 6:45 pm).

Here is what these sincere inquirers wrote:

Dear Grace,
I am grateful for your classes, and your spirit, and just doing what you do. The relationships I’ve developed through your classes…with you…and others…it’s so amazing how there are now all these like-minded people in my life…and how these relationships of radical openness spill over into “regular” relationships…with [my friend], my sisters, my Mom, Brother in law, nephew…just seems to be more and more a way of being. ~ JB A Year Of Inquiry Program
 
And to our Private Group Forum:
Hi All! I’d like to say how much I’m enjoying being a part of this group. I thank you all very much for coming together and making it possible. (I thank me, too, for this gift to myself:) ~ DS A Year of Inquiry Program
There is no one more grateful and impressed  than ME by the sweet connection, authenticity and determination of the people who chose to join.

The full title of the year is A Year Of Inquiry For The Addictive Mind. 

(But I like to call it YOI for short. It makes me laugh).

Addictive MIND? But no one in this group is consumed by addictive behavior, or using drugs or alcohol all the time, or engaging in intense or flippant compulsive behavior, or lying in the gutter…..

….they really aren’t.

And yet they answered a call of being invited to join for a full year with fellow passengers on a journey to understand their own compulsive and painful thinking.

They all wanted to investigate the thoughts, ideas and notions that create their own suffering.

They wanted to do it over the passage of time….so that events, changes, or circumstances might occur, and they’d have a support group to work with as life happened.

That’s what I have signed myself up for, as I have worked with groups and teachers being a student of The Life of Grace Bell (whoever that is) and the Human Condition.

Addiction is defined in the dictionary as the state of being enslaved to a habit or a practice.

It feels true with thinking sometimes…..have you noticed?

Something alarming happens, someone says something threatening, there is change….and the mind is off and running, believing everything that makes it nervous.

Addictive thinking is that automatic reactive thinking that works faster than the speed of light, it seems, at believing that uncomfortable (or excruciating) things are absolutely true, without stopping to question them.

On the flip side, it is also believing that I want more, and more, and more of the Truth, of feeling good, whatever that may be.

Very tricky mind.

The mind, which appears to have a compulsive way about it, says “grow this beautiful state of experience over here” and then “get away from that nasty experience over there“.

Once when I was in meditation retreat, a man came to the microphone and told his terrible story of heroine addiction.

The teacher, Adyashanti, commented that this man’s addictive process was just like everyone else’s! Even the people trying to catch the drug of spiritual enlightenment and bliss all day long!

“Addictions are always the effect of an unquestioned mind. The only true addiction to work with is the addiction to your thoughts. As you question those thoughts, that addiction ceases because you no longer believe those thoughts. And as those thoughts cease, as you cease to believe them, then the addictions in your life cease to be. It is a process.” ~ Byron Katie

Once inquiry begins, this way of thinking followed by immediately reacting begins to slow down.

Relaxing becomes possible, without anything needing to change in our environment.

Pain is present still….it appears that this is something that is a part of life. Pain, death, loss, sickness, hardship, fear….all here in this world, in the middle of this life.

The pain of my father’s death, my friend who just died at age 22, the best friend I thought I once knew having committed a stunning betrayal, the man who dramatically threatened to kill himself, the woman who lied, the man who was verbally violent, the desperation of some I have met….

….all so painful. Destruction appears to happen here. Endings. Change. Goodbyes. Beginnings. More Endings.

But ongoing suffering? Ruminating on the past? Thinking about all these painful events over and over? Asking why, endlessly? Trying to avoid them ever ever happening again?

Surrendering, not believing that is it absolutely true that it is all a House of Horrors and a Big Mess….knowing there is nothing I can do about any of it…..the suffering fades away.

I am open to what is mysterious in this moment, the Great Unknown.

I notice I am breathing and still here, today. I notice my heart is beating. Or should I say, “this” heart is beating (I’m quite sure now it is not “mine”).

“Suddenly I realized that what I was addicted to was me–me, the one who was struggling; me, the one who was striving for enlightenment; me, the one who was confused. I was a junkie for me. Even as I was trying to get beyond myself, to break through to a different view, I couldn’t because I was actually addicted to me. And there wasn’t a secret about how to get un-addicted. I had to get to the point where I bottomed out, where I stopped, where I realized that I didn’t know anything.” ~ Adyashanti

Oh boy!

If you’re ready to Un-Know Everything, practice self-inquiry with others, learn to facilitate well, study your thoughts, connect intimately…

….then come join us starting in September for a Year of Inquiry.

YOI for YOU!

Read all about it by clicking here.

And if this group isn’t quite right, check out the other telegroup classes below, find a partner to work with, or just begin by writing down your stressful beliefs and calling the Help Line to speak to a volunteer facilitator (I am sometimes there too!)

Much love, Grace

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I Am SURE I Need More Information

Yesterday on Sunday evening, I realized I had an interview queued up on my laptop since early morning, ready to push play and watch….but had never gotten around to it the whole day.

I also had my local library website open in a browser on the same laptop, waiting for me to order a book (or two) from that author who was recommended to me.

Oh, and I had an mp3 of a teleconference call ready to download, led by someone I’ve never ever heard of but the title sounded interesting about mindfulness and enlightenment or something….

….and finally, a public webinar by one of my favorite business author and teacher guys David Allen, waiting for my credit card if I want to join his class next month.

Heh heh, and that was not exactly an atypical day….

….and I never actually opened, got to, listened to, or purchased any of them.

There are hundreds and hundreds of spiritual teachers, coaches, counselors, practitioners, authors, lecturers, and scientists who have something interesting to teach or say.

Not only something interesting, but often something quite profound and beautiful to offer.

It would be impossible for any one of us to study them all. Ever.

Yet our mind will tell us that even if we can’t get to them all, read every great book, see every interesting teacher….we should make contact with AS MANY AS POSSIBLE.

Surely we can get to as many of them as we can and study what they say?

Surely we can work with new practitioners, read a new book, keep hunting and getting closer to that “goal” of….

….oh yeah, good question….what is The Goal?!

Funny how when I stop and look at myself and this particular gathering-and-studying behavior, I recognize a familiar energy, one that is stressful.

There is a little edge of push-push running around like a nervous chicken, seeking the most perfect answer, a great teacher, a solution.

Maybe the goal is that I want to stop suffering, feel happy, gain knowledge, succeed, thrive, win, enjoy, perform, bliss-out, do good.

Maybe…just maybe…there’s someone out there who can wave their wand over your head and “make” you feel better! A light bulb would go off! WOW that would be AWESOME.

The thing is, we listen and learn and gather and we DO feel better, excited, more aware. At least I do.

I love the wisdom available, just sitting down at my laptop. It’s quite stunning, really.

But it’s also of great value to me to stop hunting. Wait. Be. Watch. Listen to the silence, not someone else’s voice.

Watch that moment when I am chasing after a goal that is somewhere in the future, whether an hour from now after I watch my spiritual-teacher video, or five months from now when I’m totally over my current unpleasant condition.

That moment when I am believing “I need more”.

  • I need to read that new book
  • I need to read those old spiritual classics that I missed
  • I need to buy a ticket and go hear “x” person on their lecture tour
  • I need to order those files of “so-and-so” talking about enlightenment
  • I need to recommend to other people this new author
  • I need to stop suffering and feel blissful instead. All the time.
  • I know what enlightenment is like, and this here is NOT IT
  • I need to sign up for that program

I don’t know about you, but how I react when I have these kinds of thoughts, if I really look and examine and investigate this state of mind, is I am insatiable.

One big needy ball of energy. Walking around like I’m looking for something, very subtly and very appropriately (it doesn’t look like drug addiction or other heavier addictions).

But I am spending money on books, programs, recordings as if my life (mind) depended on it.

Sigh.

I remember when I had no money left six years ago.

One day I was doing The Work and questioning the thought “I need more money”.

I had turned the thought around just to look at it, the way we do in The Work: “I do not need more money.”

I suddenly realized one advantage of not having money.

I didn’t have it to spend on books, retreats, lectures, programs, practitioners, modalities, spiritual “information”.

I had to sit in a chair, with my own mind, instead.

I had to develop a relationship with myself that worked. A foundation of openness to this self, whatever it was.

Who would you be without that thought that you need to find the right teacher, practitioner, or program?

Who would you be without the thought that there is an answer out there that you must find, or an enlightened state that is different from who you are right now?

Who would you be without the thought that there is a magical piece of information that will crack the code of life for you personally?

“The key is to be quiet. It’s not that your mind has to be quiet. You be quiet. You, the one inside watching the neurotic mind, just relax.” ~ Michael Singer

Today, something in me feels such joy at not needing anything MORE than what I already have learned, come into contact with, practiced, or become aware of….so far.

What if you were not missing a thing? What if you did not need one bit of extra additional information?

What if you could trust that you are moving through All This and you left everything alone, just allowed it to be what it is?

“The Tao is called the Great Mother: empty yet inexhaustible, it gives birth to infinite worlds. It is always present within you. You can use it any way you want.”~ Tao Te Ching #6

Much Love, Grace

  • Earning Money: What’s Your Problem? Questioning Your Beliefs About Money, Work and Business. Thursdays, July 11 – August 29, 2013, 5:15 – 6:45 pm Pacific time. 8 weeks $395. Register Here. 
  • Our Wonderful Sexuality: A Safe Place For Inquiry on Painful Thoughts About Sexuality. Fridays, July 12 – August 30, 2013 Noon – 1:30 pm Pacific time. 8 weeks $395. Register Here. 
  • Mini Retreats Seattle. Saturdays, 8/10, 10/12, 11/30, 2013, 1:30-5:30 pm. Goldilocks Cottage. $70 includes intensive, handouts, tea and snacks, $55 repeater rate.  Click here to register for mini-retreats:
  • Loving Your Body Breitenbush Hot Springs Retreat. June 26-30, 2013. For all the information please click HERE.

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