Category: Addiction

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Eating Peace – Mind Like Water

What if you stopped trying so hard to do something about the way you eat, your weird food behavior, your cravings, your discord?
You might think “OMG! But! I have to do SOMETHING!!!!”
Right?
Otherwise….
….(terrible images, terrible feelings, terrible sadness).
What if instead you said Mind Like Water instead.
Watch here to see what I’m talking about:
Eating Peace With Grace Mind Like Water
Eating Peace With Grace Mind Like Water
You can relax, it’s OK.
Much love,
Grace

P.S. Eating Peace Workshop is filling this year. I love the people who are attending. Reserve your spot now, it’s one month away only. Click HERE.

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Eating Peace- The Imperfect Dance of Eating Struggles

Everyone feels alone from time to time, but the heaviness of the belief running through your mind “I Am All Alone” can be torturous and frightening.

Whenever I check, I find it isn’t true though.

I just can’t ever PROVE that I’m all alone, no matter how much I kick and scream that its true!

I can get all riled up, frustrated, shake my fist at the universe, feel separate, be depressed at my circumstances, or my eating issues or addictive behavior….

….but I still can’t prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that I am all by myself, completely on my own, in a vacuum of dark outer space with no earth or life in sight.

I mean, there’s stuff all over the place in this room! Have you noticed?

If you’ve felt all alone, join me today to investigate this a little, and notice the imperfection in this dance….

….the imperfection in food, having a body, eating, hunger, fullness, exercise, the people around, health, career, relationship, money, you name it…..

….it’s not perfect. (Kinda like this video, ha ha!)

Eating Peace With Grace * When You Feel All Alone *
Eating Peace With Grace * When You Feel All Alone *
Much love,
Grace

P.S. Eating Peace Workshop is filling this year. I love the people who are attending. Reserve your spot now, it’s 6 weeks away only. Click HERE.

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You Might Find Gold In Sixty Seconds

Yesterday morning I woke with a start.

One of those sudden in-breaths. Eyes Open BAM!

I FORGOT to change the clocks last night! Holy Smokes! What time is it!?! OMG my Eating Peace presentation is today! Quick!

The funny thing is….we were FALLING BACK in the clock time change.

Which means of course, I had an EXTRA hour. No need to jump. No need to sound the alarm.

Instead of 7 am, it was actually 6 am.

Weird, though, how there is a dramatic reaction, just for a split second instant, even though another 3 seconds later all is settled and clear.

Like some kind of residual shock bursting forth from a previous experience long ago of having the time wrong, probably during a spring season when the clocks are turned forward by an hour, and I arrived very late for something.

As I noted this inner jump, an urge to leap from bed to the kitchen to switch the clocks….I waited, recognizing all was fine….

….I became aware of how this kind of speedy quick physical all-body reaction happens with the very issue I was teaching about yesterday morning: troubles with food.

You feel upset, you feel anxious about health, you feel lonely, you have the thought you’re afraid of aging, or gaining weight, or what that person said to you.

You’re worried about money, stability, mistakes you’ve made, how you could have done better, expectations you have of yourself.

Maybe you’re worried about your long-term relationship, or never finding a partner.

Boom. You get scared. Maybe a craving enters your mind.

Wouldn’t a nice bowl of ice cream be good right now?

It’s so fast, it’s like what Scott Kiloby calls a “ghost image”. Fast as lightening.

Your mind gets freaked out for a second with reactivity, something fearful….

….and it moves very quickly into seeking whatever would be most comforting, soothing, distracting at a core, deep level.

Food. A cigarette. A glass of wine. Candy. Screen time. Ruminating. Obsessing. Repetitive Thinking.

In my case, I believed I was late, things were going WRONG, everything was collapsing, not working, a disaster.

What entered my mind was freaky thinking!

One tool I’ve shared with people wanting to understand themselves around their eating, become more aware of what happen when it comes to food or any compulsive behavior, is so simple, it seems ridiculous.

Count to 60.

Wait 60 seconds.

Seriously?

Yes.

Ask yourself if you really, really believe what’s going on right now in your head? Are you sure there’s something scary? Are you sure thinking, reaching, grabbing, or more thinking will help? Are you positive your images of a terrible future, or a mistaken past, are right?

Who would you be if you waited 60 seconds every time you had a stressful thought, before you took action?

I have found this practice to be incredible.

You don’t need to use it around food, if that’s not your escap-ish or addictive thing.

This can be whenever you have ANY kind of stressful thought.

How do you know you’re even having a stressful thought?

You don’t feel all that good. You feel anxious. You feel nervous. You feel unhappy. You feel like something’s missing.

Wait. Sixty. Seconds.

Don’t panic.

Don’t jump to conclusions.

Don’t go anywhere.

“The primary cause of unhappiness is never the situation but the thought about it. Be aware of the thoughts you are thinking. Separate them from the situation, which is always neutral. It is as it is.” ~ Eckhart Tolle

Who would I be yesterday morning, without the belief that I needed to be concerned about how my presentation and program would go?

That was my real nervous thought.

I want to help, I need to communicate clearly, I must be useful, it’s possible to fail, I might make a mistake, things could go wrong, this is uncertain because it’s a brand new program and way of offering something for me.

I turn my thoughts around as I consider what else I was afraid of in that morning moment (besides clocks and hours changing): all is well, things will go OK however they go, I am learning, I have a ton of great and valuable information, I do help already, I can communicate clearly, it is possible to succeed, I might make a correction, things could go right, this is certain.

Can you find turnarounds to your worries or concerns, in your life?

Can you find turnarounds in your fears of tomorrow, your sadness about yesterday? In what you think is missing? Or wrong?

Self-inquiry, I remember now, is not an idea, it is deep inside my body.

It’s in and around and across and between all of us, penetrating and surrounding and opening up all of us to this exact present moment.

Wait sixty seconds.

Feel yourself reading this…feel what else is here that knows you are supported, spacious, and free.

“If we run away from our sadness, if we turn our back on anger, if we deny fear its inherent right to be here, if we kick our pain out onto the cold, dark streets…How will we ever know that these weren’t precious gifts made of gold, forged in the fires of ourselves long ago?” ~ Jeff Foster

Thinking for a moment that I might be LATE, my thoughts jolting me out of bed….

….I actually had an hour of meditative contemplation for my webinar. I relaxed. I heard the rain pattering down. I sat in the quiet, quiet cottage. I imagined the sweet participants about to join with me. I wrote back to people on email.

I let go into the unknown.

The unknown gold of the moment.

You don’t have to know, either.

Maybe not knowing, not reacting so fast, is even more fun. Try it and see.

Much love, Grace

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Eating Peace Video #3 – Three Treasures To Help You End Emotional Eating

The Tao Te Ching says that there are three treasures it has to teach: Simplicity, Patience and Compassion.

You can use these to heal your life with food.

Except….don’t use them to taunt yourself, criticize how not-good-enough you are, or how you’re falling short of the desired goal.

In this video today, I explain how to avoid the tendency to be extreme, which happens a lot with compulsive or emotional eating, and be TRULY simple, patient and compassionate with yourself.

ALSO, if you want a whole conglomeration of many of the tools, medicine and healing items I’ve used to recover completely from compulsive and emotional eating, or thinking about food….

….then head over to the webinar recording I did live last Wednesday.

You may have watched already…but if you haven’t, give it a shot.

It was fun!

Here’s one note I received from someone who attended the webinar:

Dear Grace,
It was fantastic.
Clear, thorough, an in-depth simplicity, useful.
The potter in me speaking found the images of raw clay–bowls, throwing–particularly beautiful.
Thank you and with love, J

I loved the questions and feedback I received, and I’m here to serve you if you seek help in this area. It is my deepest commitment and joy to be on the helping end of this whole eating issue, someone who is assisting in the healing of all of us, rather than fueling the fire of dis-ease around eating.

To access the webinar recording, CLICK HERE. You’ll enter your email, but you won’t be double-subscribed to this list, don’t worry. Look for the webinar link in your Inbox.

I’d love your feedback on what’s confusing, what is difficult to implement, what works for you.

“Some say that my teaching is nonsense. Others call it lofty but impractical. But to those who have looked inside themselves, this nonsense makes perfect sense. And to those who put it into practice, this loftiness has roots that go deep.” ~ Tao Te Ching #67

After the 12 week Eating Peace Program gets rolling on Sunday morning, I’ll be sending out news, a video, or some tip or insight to you all once a week. As of this moment, there are a few spots available in Eating Peace, so click HERE or write if you’re interested.

It’s gonna be awesome.

You can heal your relationship with food, no matter how far gone you think you are.

Much love,

Grace

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Question Your Thinking, Change Your Addiction

Every so often, I get asked about my history of addiction and I still have a twinge of wishing it wasn’t so.

Ew.

My primary horrible experience was around food. Always concerned with eating too much or not having enough, and trapped in the squashed zone of in-between.

It was too much, it is too much, it will be too much…it wasn’t enough, it isn’t enough, it won’t be enough.

Landing on “just right” seemed elusive, actually…..impossible.

My mind was so full of fear, I couldn’t relax.

It doesn’t matter if this comes out in the way you eat or in another way. I’ve used other activities to *prove* there’s either too much or not enough of something….caffeine, alcohol, tobacco, screen time, crushes.

But what is there actually not enough of, or too much of….really?

It always seemed like there was something I perceived that was missing, or too overwhelming, and boom….the urge to escape would appear.

Since my mind was fast and busy and saw a lot that there was too much of, and a lot missing, I was constantly fretting about life, relationships, money, safety, love, yesterday and tomorrow.

No wonder I thought I needed “help” from substances, especially food.

Life was hard, thinking there wouldn’t be enough of something, or there might be too much of something, all that all the time.

And ever so slowly, it dawned on me that thought, this way of thinking, was an addiction all by itself.

I couldn’t seem to think any other way, I kept believing what I thought was true, I took myself and my thoughts very seriously, I believed I couldn’t relax or didn’t have true happiness yet, that it was around the corner.

“Simple rest without thought, feeling into the spacious relaxation of no mind, is perhaps the best antidote to addiction.  Trying to think oneself out of addiction is, in and of itself, just another addiction, an addiction to thought. If we are going to speak of recovery from addiction, we have to first speak to this addiction to thought itself.  When addiction to thought is released, thoughts still happen, but with no sense of self in them and no sense that they carry a command to engage in some addictive substance or behavior.” ~ Scott Kiloby

Questioning your stressful thoughts is a fantastic way to begin to break apart what you’re thinking, to begin to understand what’s happening in your mind that creates the urge to eat, drink, smoke, shop, watch movies, obsess, clean, exercise.

It doesn’t matter if it’s unrelated to food, or whatever you use for escape or comfort.

Look at these beliefs:

There is not enough of “x” in my life…..and…..there is too much of “x” in my life.

Write these down. Make a list.

Take them through the four questions.

“Addictions are always the effect of an unquestioned mind. The only true addiction to work with is the addiction to your thoughts. As you question those thoughts, that addiction ceases because you no longer believe those thoughts. And as those thoughts cease, as you cease to believe them, then the addictions in your life cease to be. It is a process. And there’s no choice; you believe what you think, or you question it.”~Byron Katie

If you’re wanting to stop doing something that feels compulsive, addictive, harmful…you can stop.

You can stop believing that what you’re thinking is true. Start by writing down what you repeat to yourself that seems stressful.

Then take it through the four questions:

  • Is it true?
  • Can you absolutely know it’s true (if you said Yes)
  • How do you react when you believe that thought?
  • Who would you be without that thought?
  • What’s the opposite of your original thought?

You can do this.

Freedom is on the other side.

Much Love,  Grace

P.S. Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven starts next week Mondays 9-10:30 am Pacific Time. Still a few spaces. Click HERE for more information.

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Not For Everyone, But Maybe For You: A Private, Special Retreat

I am thrilled and jumping up and down (on the inside)!

Because a dream I’ve had that others have suggested to me before, something I couldn’t imagine only a few years ago, is now coming into reality this fall.

For five+ years now, I’ve been working with people who hate their bodies, people who struggle with eating, people upset by aging, their flaws, their appearance, a difficult spouse, trying times with kids, and those frightened about money and lack of support.

As one of my favorite authors and teachers, Geneen Roth, summarizes it….

….it’s the suffering of Not Enough.

Every single workshop or class offering inquiry to those struggling with food and eating, pain or illness has offered profound teaching for me personally.

I’ve been learning how I can transmit the information I have of freedom from the prison of worrying about food, trusting my appetites, accepting this body and its flaws, allowing money to come and go freely, letting go of anxiety, feeling grateful and feeling deeply beautiful….

….to you.

I’ve loved my own journey every step of the way (well, ok, I didn’t exactly LOVE it every step of the way) and living this ever-expanding life with you means the world to me.

You may know where I came from, but if you don’t, it’s kind of embarrassing and ugly.

At least that’s how I used to feel.

I was anxious about overeating, upset when too hungry, and never, ever satisfied with the way my body looked. I went on huge binges, stuffing my face with everything in sight. I pushed myself hard with exercise.

I lost almost all my assets and money, and never had a satisfying career. My relationships were somewhat rocky, I got divorced. I yelled at my kids.

I felt flawed.

The stressful beliefs began when I was a kid, and surfaced more deeply when I was in high school. Then they got more sophisticated and I became a nutrition expert (without a degree), and bulimic, and life felt frighteningly unpredictable.

Ugh.

What I really, really wanted was total freedom from thinking about my life in such a painful way.

It’s agonizing to imagine that something is wrong with you, with your body, your mind, your feelings, and that you’re a failure when it comes to being here on planet earth.

Then, on top of feeling unacceptable, I would criticize myself for being self-critical.

I should know better! I should be nicer to myself! I’m acting like a teenager! I need to get a grip!

You can’t win, with this kind of loop-dee-loop thinking. It’s like bouncing back and forth between a rock and a hard place, like a ping pong ball on steroids, never getting any relief.

I sought many modalities of healing and all of them were excellent.

Individual therapy, group therapy, The Course in Miracles, meditation, The Work of Byron Katie, retreats, counseling, training, spiritual teachings, twelve steps.

And now I’m ready to combine them into core teachings for healing the mind’s attack on the body, on other people, on food, on money, on life, and end that war.

I find there are six areas of stressful beliefs, some that begin when you’re only a child, that contribute deeply to Not Enough-ness.

You can question them all, and shift.

They are responsible for immense suffering.

These areas are:

  • If I don’t look acceptable, people won’t like me. If people don’t like me, I’ll suffer. Therefore, find out what acceptable is, and look like that.
  • My feelings are not to be trusted, or shown to others. They upset people.
  • I am not safe in many situations. The world (full of people) is a chaotic, disturbing or terrifying place.
  • My thinking is not my friend.
  • There are many activities that can change my feelings about situations that are troubling…like eating, smoking, drinking wine, cleaning, getting a crush on someone. But they all hurt in the end.
  • I am my body, my body defines who I am.
Boy howdy, when your feelings are not trustworthy, and your thinking is not trustworthy, and the world is not trustworthy….then you are up sh*t creek, philosophically speaking.
But there is a way out, entirely, from that madness.
You can question what you learned was true, from your earliest memories all the way to now.

You can alter your beliefs, your mind, your feelings….by changing what creates discomfort for you in your own belief system.

In other words, if you don’t like the way a thought makes you feel, you can question it and find out if it’s really, really true.

When I was in my twenties, I felt desperate to find answers. I had some fantastic guidance, but I wish I had found a clear resource to look at my inner thoughts and what I was making things mean in my life.

Now, I don’t even have to “work” at it.

Don’t get me wrong, my mind still has troubling thoughts. Just the other day I saw my 53 year old wrinkles around my eyes and let out a sigh.

But then I chuckled.

And if I don’t, I’ve got The Work.

Who would you be without the belief that you are Not Enough, that people won’t like you, that you need to be liked, that there is Not Enough money, Not Enough attention, that you must protect yourself from a hard world?

Kind of amazing to consider, right?

Which brings me to why I’m so excited….

I’m offering a very deep focused immersion into self-inquiry, spiritual inquiry, The Work and experiential exercises I’ve found to be amazing to address the sense of feeling lack, disappointment, anger, fear, discouragement…..

…..to a very small group of eight people.

The Serene, Powerful, Loved, Ecstatic, Enough Retreat.

If you enroll in this unique once-in-a-lifetime retreat, offered November 10-13, 2014, you will look at the nooks and crannies where you have believed in Not Enoughness.

You will look at who you really are, what is genuinely true, and what’s gotten in the way of your freedom.

You will have access to the nurturing, care, enough-ness, beauty and wisdom that lives inside of you, that’s been here all along even through your self-defeating behaviors.

You can put down trying to solve the problem of life, money, kids, spouses, food and weight, and build your contact with unconditional love.

We’ll question painful messages of fear and hurt, of thinking there is something wrong with you.

You’ll open to truly imagining there isn’t.

I would love to support you to put down the battle, the project of self-improvement forever….and I know you can’t stop your thoughts, and you can’t control them.

(Control never works in the end).

But you can turn your attention to other truths, you can stop proving that your stressful thoughts are true, and prove the peaceful ones instead.

This is not your average, in-house retreat where I have people come to my cottage for a day or two. This particular format will appeal and be possible for only a very few.

We will be in luxuriously cared for, with special guest appearances via skype or in-person by teachers who are experts in spiritual inquiry (and maybe you’ve heard of them).

I’ve asked several important guides, and it is yet unknown who will be able to connect with us for sure. It will be a surprise!

You will be able to ask personal questions and have direct contact with them.

This experience will be different than large meditation and educational retreats attended by hundreds. You will not contend with crowds.

And I’ll offer you my own experience and strength, and my compassionate facilitation.

“The Way of Liberation is a call to action; it is something you do. It is a doing that will undo you absolutely. If you do not do the teaching, if you do not study and apply it fearlessly, it cannot effect any transformation. The Way of Liberation is not a belief system; it is something to be put into practice.” ~ Adyashanti

You can turn all of your beliefs around, and live a life of completely, utterly, unconditionally enough at every turn, around every corner, deep inside of you.

You can start practicing it now, by turning the troubling beliefs to the opposite:

  • I can look the way I look, people love me. If people don’t like me, I’ll won’t suffer. Being myself is acceptable.
  • My feelings are to be acknowledged, honored, and shown to others. They don’t upset people. Or me.
  • I am safe in every situation. The world (full of people) is a mysterious, magical, curious and loving place.
  • Thinking is my friend.
  • There are no activities that can change my feelings about situations that are troubling…except self-inquiry, self-love, allowing everything and everyone to be as they are.
  • I am not my body, my body cannot define who I am. My body is inside of me, as is everything else.
At the Serene, Powerful, Loved, Ecstatic, Enough Retreat

you will stay in five-star award-winning accommodation Willows Lodge in Woodinville, Washington. Our group will be fully catered for every meal. We will work with the abundance of beauty and food as part of our inquiry practice, and what is enough.

For many others who will not be able to do this due to cost…. ….have no fear, I’ll be presenting my teleclasses this summer starting soon in July, and YOI (Year of Inquiry) in September…and I am working on pre-recorded classes you can take on your own.

(Eating Peace will be the first class people can take online on their own, stay tuned).

“We ask ourselves, ‘Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?’ Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.” ~ Marianne Williamson

Letting yourself experience this four-day retreat of deep self-inquiry, The Work, presence, now….you may discover a new light within that is both serene and ecstatic, when you know how loved you are that no situation, person, place or thing can change this.

And who knows what can happen from there.

The Serene, Powerful, Loved, Ecstatic, Enough Retreat is by application only.

If you are interested, please click this link. I will respond to all applications on a first-come, first-serve basis. Please apply by July 4th, independence day in the US. Your payment will be due upon your acceptance into the program and confirms your participation.

Thank you universe for this incredible opportunity to be a guide along your journey.

Wherever you are, and whoever you are, you are love.

“Love is action.” ~ Byron Katie

Much love, Grace

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Find Your Invincible Summer

Many people have been writing to me about Summer Camp for The Mind 2014……A Space Odyssey.

Just kidding about the Space Odyssey part! (Sort of!)

Because actually….being with the mind is often like entering a huge infinite space.

There are so many thoughts, perceptions, and constant incoming data and sensations all day long. The mind is logging events, information, words, pictures, feelings, ideas, assumptions, conclusions, doubts.

Trouble is…..space feels sometimes frightening (sometimes absolutely terrifying) and sometimes joyfully and wildly expansive.

But I love that venturing into this crazy frontier only needs to happen one thought at a time.

Like a meditation practice, I can sit, inquire, ponder the silence and enter the place where maybe, just maybe, its OK to Not Know.

A most wonderful, simple, step-by-step way to enter the space of the mind, full of freedom and possibilities, and love….through inquiry.

That’s what we’ll do in Summer Camp.

Here’s how Summer Camp for The Mind will work in a nutshell:

  • There will be several live dial-in options to call and do The Work with a small group of inquirers. You can be in the working hot seat, share your own answers as the inquiry progresses, or choose to listen only.
  • All calls will be recorded so if you miss, you can listen later.
  • Everyone will have access to a totally private membership site to share their work, answers, questions, comments.
  • Some live telecalls will address very common underlying beliefs. Come with an open mind, ready for exploration. You may find unexpected lightness by the end of inquiry.
  • Flat fee of $97 per month for June, July and August, you can come and go as you please. Sign up or opt-out any time.
  • Telecall times are Tuesday mornings, Thursday later mornings, and Monday late afternoons all Pacific Time. Call when it’s best for you and enter the peace of inquiry.
I’m offering Summer Camp For The Mind for you if you’re ready to try group calls without long-term commitment, if you’re interested in Year Of Inquiry but want a “taste” first of how it feels, or if you’re ready to put self-inquiry into deeper practice in your life.
Because….I didn’t do The Work once and have fireworks go off and never need or want to do it again.
Not at all. Like meditation, this has been a glorious, ongoing, steady practice.
The more I’ve played in inquiry, the easier life has become. Or, was life already easy…and I just didn’t see it that way, yet?
“In the depth of winter I finally learned that there was in me an invincible summer.” ~ Albert Camus

I would love for you to join me in exploring your own invincible summer. We start online on Sunday, June 1st, and the first telecall is Monday, June 2rd. We’ll camp all summer until the end of August.

Exact telecall dates are HERE. Seven Monday late afternoons, seven Tuesday mornings, seven Thursday later mornings, all Pacific Time.

“This work is meditation. It’s like diving into yourself. Contemplate the questions, drop down into the depths of yourself, listen, and wait. The answer will find your question. The mind will join the heart, no matter how closed down or hopeless you think you are…” ~ Byron Katie

If you’ve had trouble staying steady for a period of time in inquiry. Join a tribe of fascinating fellow-investigators.

Can’t wait to meet you.

Much love, Grace

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Not Believing Your 10,000 Thoughts = Peace Around Food (Or Anything)

Wow, I loved doing The Work this past weekend in Horrible Food Wonderful Food with the beautiful inquirers who wanted to look at the way they eat, view their bodies and examine their compulsive movements with food.

Not only did we question powerful thoughts like “there won’t be enough for me” but we also looked at one person in our lives whose behavior, words, or even a “look” disturbed us.

That person was bothersome….and it may appear that they have nothing to do with our relationship with food or eating.

But it may be more closely related than you think.

Try this test.

First, pick a situation where you got scared, upset, nervous, irritated, worried, confused. It’s a scene from your life. There was another person, or a group of people, involved.

It can be hard to choose sometimes, when there might be many moments spent with this other individual. So allow one particularly troubling moment to come to mind.

It doesn’t even have to be that big of a deal….the most important thing is you have some objection to someone. You didn’t like something about the situation you experienced with them.

Then, write down all your beliefs about this situation. Write down why you’re disappointed or nervous, what you would prefer instead, what you wanted, what you needed in order to be happy.

Now you have your troubling concepts written, on paper, in front of you.

Here’s where the interesting part about food and eating…or ANY addiction…comes in as a part of your investigation into your stressful experience of reality.

Let’s say you write this about someone: I am upset with him because he lied to me. I want him to grow up. I want him to vanish. He shouldn’t have ever started talking to me. He should cut the crap. I need him to apologize, relax, stop being so dramatic, enjoy his own life. 

You may then do The Work with any one of these concepts, asking the four questions and finding your turnarounds (opposites) and exploring the truth of your story and if you really believe it.

Now, to investigate further with your addictive substance (in my case it was food)….here’s the interesting test:

Turn all your thoughts around to the opposite, to yourself, and plug in the word “food” and try it on like you’re trying on a different outfit.

I am upset with myself because I lied to myself about food. I want me to grow up when it comes to food. I want my thinking about food to vanish. I shouldn’t have ever started talking to myself about food. I should cut the crap. I need me to apologize to food (to my body), to relax, to stop being so dramatic, to enjoy my own life especially when it comes to eating food. 

Wow. What an awesome prescription for what I needed to do next, to face my addictive behavior.

I can spend more time with this prescription, specialized for me only as it was built out of my own stressful perceptions (of that other person).

Instead of that other person, or thing like food, needing to change, in order for me to be comfortable, could it be ME who could be comfortable first?

Can I stop lying to myself and telling myself all kinds of detailed, intricate, wild, chaotic, sad, violent stories about food, eating and this body?

“You just stop telling your mind that its job is to fix your personal problems. This job has broken the mind and disturbed the entire psyche. It has created fear, anxiety and neurosis. Your mind has very little control over this world. It is neither omniscient nor omnipotent….You have given your mind an impossible task by asking it to manipulate the world in order to fix your personal inner problems.” ~ Michael Singer 

Today, I know that eating something will not solve my personal inner problems. It will only fuel them, quite honestly.

Drinking, smoking, engaging in obsessive thinking about a relationship, shopping, cleaning, setting goals….these also won’t resolve anything in the inner world. Yes, they will distract me, cause temporary memory loss, create drama, make me feel relief.

But all that is really not that fun. I tried them all and they really all stopped working. And I wanted more than relief.

I wanted liberation.

So in that moment when you feel like reaching towards something like a candy bar, a cigarette, a magazine, memories of that giddy moment with a lover….

….could you remember to ask yourself “is it true, that I need or want this?”

Is it true that this present moment isn’t good enough?

Is it true that I’m hungry? Or unhappy? Or lonely?

Is it true that this moment won’t be changing in a few seconds, without my help?

“You can have ten thousand thoughts a minute, and if you don’t believe them, your heart remains at peace.” ~ Byron Katie

Doing The Work on anything addictive, on others, on what I object to in my life in any way….is such a great alternative job for this analytical mind than demanding it resolve the situations or people I encounter in my life.

And funny thing….the more I have done The Work….

….the urges, cravings, commands, demands to DO something (like eat, or think, or plan)….

….all vanish.

For all those who wrote to me about doing Horrible Food Wonderful Food via web cast, YES, I will do an online retreat soon on this topic where you can join from anywhere in the world.

I love your creative ideas, and your sweet and amazing desire to set yourself free.

Much love,

Grace

 

 

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Love Junkie Pain

Every few weeks, someone signs up to do sessions with me because they are experiencing suffering when it comes to a romantic interest.

I will never, ever be the same after doing The Work a decade ago on men. 

In a good way. 

You should have heard my original worksheet, not only on men in general (that was interesting to be so general and broad and totally prejudiced) but on men I was dating. 

One of my biggest Ah-Ha moments came when I realized….I was a total “love” addict. I mean serious junkie for that flourish of adrenaline, excitement, contact, attraction. 

Since someone I worked with recently was almost obsessively concerned with the whereabouts, the emails, texts and conversation history with a woman he knew….

….I thought I’d take a look today and these repetitive beliefs about others.

About that One Other. “My” girlfriend. “My” boyfriend. “My” spouse, partner, husband, wife, lover. 

And when they aren’t doing what you want them to do. 

My client had this Judge Your Neighbor worksheet, already filled out, when we began our session (some words and notions changed slightly just to keep everything completely anonymous):

I am outraged because she is ignoring me since we broke up. I want her to call me, text me, be open to getting together, and maintaining our friendship. She should return my calls. She shouldn’t shut me out. I need her to contact me. She is selfish, bitchy, unpredictable and cold. I don’t even want to get ditched by a potential love interest again.

He also had thrown in there a few self-critical judgments, like that he shouldn’t be thinking about her and there must be something wrong with him, for having these thoughts and feelings in the first place.

Ow. 

I then recognized, as the client was speaking, that he could be talking to me. 

A man I dated had once called me many months after our strange and volatile encounters together, kind of off and then on and then off again. He said “Hi! How are you?” and I had said “why are you calling me?” and he said “because we’re friends!” and I said “we are not friends” and hung up.

Remembering that incident, I heard the voice of this dear inquirer client, and took in his worksheet.

And then, I took a look at a quiet little stressful thought floating in my mind. This thought can cause a lot of problems, I have found, if you really believe it. 

I should be nicer.

Nice means carrying on a conversation past the point when you’re done, nice means smiling, nice means saying yes, nice means being friendly, nice means being open, nice means saying hello, please, thank you and have a good day. Nice means caring, being of service, helping, being interested.

Yikes. Ewwww.

Is it true that I should be these things?

Of course not. But it also doesn’t mean I should be against these things!

How do I react when I believe that I should be nice, and I notice that sometimes I feel these things in a genuine honest way, and sometimes I do not? How do I react when I believe I shouldn’t be nice?

Nice-ness comes and goes. 

If I believe I should be nicer or shouldn’t be too nice, then I feel stifled, nervous about falling off the Nice Wagon or climbing on it and not being able to get off! 

With these thoughts, I notice that other peoples’ feelings are super important. Other people might get hurt, other people might cry, other people might get angry….if I am not nice. Other people might get smothering, clingy, and assume I care if I am too nice. 

With these thoughts, fear and anxiety enter the room. I feel like a fake. Holding things in. 

So who would I be without the thought that I should be careful about being nice or not nice EVER?

WOOHOO! Can you feel the freedom?! 

Things become clear. Things become slow. If I don’t know what my answer is when asked a question, then I don’t answer yet. If I know, then I say “yes” or “no”. 

Without that thought, I feel very, very kind towards myself. I feel gentle to the other person as well. There is no need for niceness to happen, or not happen. There is something alive, sweet, powerful and loving, right here inside, no matter what someone else’s reaction.

“What is love? Take a look at a rose. Is it possible for the rose to say ‘I shall offer my fragrance to good people and withhold it from bad people?’ Or can you imagine a lamp that withholds its rays from a wicked person who seeks to walk in its light? It could only do that by ceasing to be a lamp….and a tree gives its shade to everyone–even those who seek to cut it down….[but] think how the rose, the tree and the lamp leave you completely free. The tree will make no effort to drag you into its shade if you are in danger of a sunstroke. The lamp will not force its light on you lest you stumble in the dark. Another word for love is freedom.” ~ Anthony De Mello

The turnarounds for me are that a code of behavior (called Nice or Not Too Nice) is not necessary. Being present feels open, unknown, yet solid. 

I love that man who challenged me, who asked to talk, and my discovery of my “no” in that moment. 

No rules, no expectations, no demands, no resistance, no pushing, no commands. The truth coming up, in that moment, out of a quiet freedom. 

Back to remembering what it’s like to not know anything. To not be addicted to love, attention, being appreciated, being praised, being liked. 

No need to be clever, full of knowledge, pious, or good. 

What a relief. 

“When the great Tao is forgotten, goodness and piety appear. When the body’s intelligence declines, cleverness and knowledge step forth. When there is no peace in the family, filial piety begins. When the country falls into chaos, patriotism is born.” ~ Tao Te Ching #18

Much love, Grace

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How Would It Be? Song For You

Today I’m sharing with you all a song that a dear inquirer in the Year of Inquiry program shared with our group.

We call it our Doing The Work theme song.

Who would you be without your sad, hard, agonizing, painful story?

Play it here, and enjoy.

(You can find the artist, Ellis, at ellis-music.com)

The next Year of Inquiry For The Addictive Mind group begins on Friday, March 7th.

Our small group will meet for a whole year with 3 telegroups per month, from 9-10:30 am Pacific time. With 2 optional in-person retreats in Seattle.

Lucky in YOI

“Thanks for putting up with me. It still amazes me to be so well received. I feel closer to you all than people I have known for decades. What a gift you all are and I thank my lucky stars!” ~ YOI member

With love, Grace