Recently someone wrote to share a stressful thought she has that I’ve heard before, in every variation possible.
I’m afraid I will fail. I already failed many times. I can’t seem to succeed. I will regret the outcome, later, in the future because it won’t be a success.
Being a human being, you’ve probably noticed a thought pattern like this, as your mind watches the memory of what you’ve been like, and then imagines what’s possible for you in the future, based on what you’ve been like so far.
That same mind will compare the failing you, to the possibly successful you, and see a gap.
Then it will say to you…..yep. See!
Something’s missing. You’re obviously not capable of doing this on your own. You need help.
A LOT of help.
Notice how stressful this is, to think you can’t do it, you won’t make it, you’ll not succeed, you can’t get there, you’ve screwed up many times already and failed over and over again.
Super stressful, discouraging, frightening, sad.
Here I share a little mantra I learned that made a big difference for me, a way to interrupt the pattern of reaching for unneeded food (or uncomfortable thoughts).
I was so touched this morning in an Eating Peace webinar I presented (so jammed with information, of course, that we went for 2 hours….it was awesome to hang in there with you and your questions, thank you).
One participant in the webinar wrote in the Q & A, where I see people’s questions and comments underway during the program.
“I don’t have an eating problem but a drinking problem. I can relate to all of this though. Will this course apply to me?”
The thing is….most of us are indeed plagued by some kind of lack of peace, and it doesn’t really seem to matter how it presents itself in action or behavior.
We do all kinds of things to try to get away from that core angst, or urge to change what we feel, or escape from the difficulties in our lives.
Once when I was on a silent retreat with one of my favorite teachers, Adyashanti, a man came up to the microphone for the portion of the retreat where people can ask questions and have a conversation with Adya.
The man shared, with tears and deep discouragement, his journey with drugs and getting off them, not long ago.
He felt he had lost everything, destroyed his relationship with his kids and family, and had nothing but a bicycle and a room in a house. No job, nothing left of his former life, not even sure where to go or what to do next.
He described such shame and sadness, my heart went out to him
Not all of us have to go to such extremes to notice that inside the psyche, inside our thoughts about others and ourselves and the world, it isn’t super pleasant, peaceful or easy.
Adyashanti replied something to this man who was suffering so deeply that I found very loving and wise…..
…..”we’re all addicts.”
In other words, he explained, we’re all addicted to our identities, to listening to our thoughts, to believing what we think is super true.
The other day, I walked from my bedroom to the little study or office in the cottage I live in.
As I have before, I paused and looked at the dirty, ratty carpet.
All of the sudden, a sinking feeling of anxiety encompassed me.
Yes, even without eating as a behavior, I still feel anxiety and have stressful thoughts….just like so many of us do sometimes.
Images came into my head of the horrible project of having to replace old carpet. All that furniture moving, and the money it would cost to hire the help, to buy the new carpet, having to choose the new color.
It’s too much, I thought.
The images included shame at having not had my act together enough earlier in life to gather money and be responsible for a simple house.
I thought of all the lists of things I should spend money on, if I even get the money, instead of carpet-replacing.
Like school needs for my kids, or a safer, newer car to drive that runs on electricity instead of gas, or donating to charity.
The thing that’s interesting about that moment, walking and seeing worn, ratty carpet, was that I almost missed all these images.
All I had was a flash thought of the worn-outness of my home, then the feeling of discouragement, and the sudden urge to work harder on my business and programs, followed almost immediately by the thought….
….but NO, I don’t want to right now, I’ve been working all day already….
….so how about I watch a good movie?
Yeah. That’s it!
This idea of what to do happened in thirty seconds.
Urge to escape. Urge to be somewhere else, see something else.
Urge to Not Feel Stress. Urge to have a bedtime story told to me.
A good one, a distracting one.
This was a moment of addiction to a story, to an identity, the quicker-than-lightening impulse to get away from being The One Who Didn’t Get A Successful Career Earlier In Life and Now Must Replace Old Carpet.
And guess what?
I DID watch a movie.
So I actually took the bait (invented by my own thoughts), and went with it. I asked my husband if he also wanted to watch.
And guess what else?
It’s another day…..and the thoughts about ratty carpet or other peoples’ comfort in my cottage returned to be looked at again, because I had a meetup yesterday afternoon and before people came, I believed “it’s just not clean enough in this cottage….for example look at that carpet!”
Who would I be without that belief, though?
Who would I be without that story of having to have things look and present a certain way?
WHAT would I be without being against my feelings of angst or concern about my future life on planet earth, or other peoples’ ideas and perceptions, or what will ever happen?
I love looking at this question, and this answer.
WHAT would you be without your stressful story?
If you didn’t define yourself as a human who is supposed to be doing it a certain way, or that you need to escape your feelings?
Wow.
I’m not even sure what I would be.
I’d be something, a being, walking from one room to another, seeing images and thinking thoughts and feeling feelings and ultimately just being here.
Being.
If you didn’t think it was important to escape or change this place, this moment, this situation, who or what would you be?
Maybe you’d be pausing in the unknown, willing to wait and be still.
Willing to see what happens next, without you trying to direct the outcome or trying to control yourself, or trying to control the outside environment around you (including people).
Someone holding still.
“Who would you be right now, sitting in this chair without the thought? Sit there as the successful man. Sit there as the failure. Sit there as every man that you wanted to be, or woman or child or you. Sit there and experience who you would be sitting in this chair without your stressful thought…..Just feel the support. Feel the support of the chair. Allow it to support you–because that’s what it’s doing whether you’re aware of it or not. And experience the breath that’s breathing you and the ground that’s supporting the chair. Feel what’s supporting your arms and the support under your skin.” ~ Byron Katie in Who Would You Be Without Your Story?
Just like meditation, it’s a practice.
You don’t necessarily have a huge lightbulb go off and an explosion of awareness and from then on, everything’s free (unless you do, like Byron Katie or Eckhart Tolle, but these are the far outliers of the bell curve. For you, it unfolds your way, just right for you).
What I’ve noticed is the gap between thinking…..and wishing to change or move or follow a craving or fix something becomes smaller and smaller and smaller.
No thought necessary about where this is going, or what I should do.
Seeing thoughts arise, seeing them vanish (forgetting about them).
What or who would you be without the belief you can’t find peace, or you have to use something (substance, food, person, activity) to find it?
Awestruck.
Alive.
Here.
Thoughts and all, warts and all. You.
Much love, Grace
P.S. For the replay of yesterday’s Eating Peace/Thinking Peace webinar, click HERE.
Question your stressful thinking, the way you act will change (and expect nothing)
You may have heard the rumor, and it’s true.
I’m doing three webinars in 4 days on the journey into peace with eating.
The first one is Sunday, November 8th. 8:30 – 10:00 am. You can also get the chance to attend Tuesday, November 10th at 9:00 am AND Wednesday, November 11th at 9:00 am.
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Some people have told me, what I share applies to all addictive thinking (not just food) and I get it.
It’s pretty true.
The process of becoming peaceful within starts with looking at the inner disturbance, but it doesn’t really matter what the disturbance actually is or how it looks when acted out.
I happen to have years of experience both in my own journey, and working with others, to end the battle with eating…..
…..but humans do nutty and extreme behavior with just about anything.
My study of this for several decades has given me some insight on my own recovery, and how others enter eating peace as well.
But it’s really about ending the addiction to fearful thinking.
I know not everyone has eating woes (which is why I’m sending this note today to everyone, including the daily Grace Note family of readers, not just eaters).
Fearful thinking is quite incredible to consider dropping.
When you feel like you have to DO something (eat, drink, smoke, check your emails, stay on facebook, game, over-exercise, read, fix yourself)….
….are you afraid of what would happen if you didn’t ACT?
What’s the worst that could happen if you hold still?
Nooooo!!!!
When I first went on a meditation retreat I thought I was being tortured by 1000 tiny ants hammering on my head and inside my skin about 3/4s of the time.
I woke up every night at 2:30 or 3:00 am.
I was on a wooded wild mountaintop, with distant views of the Pacific ocean very far away.
At night, there were no lights, and lemme tell you, not one view.
I was sharing a room with a whole line-up of women all on cots, all sleeping. I would disturb them if I turned on any lights.
I realized, without a flashlight (and I probably would have been too creeped out if I had one to go walking in the dense old-growth forest all around) I could only sneak out to the foyer, maybe get a cup of tea in the wee hours, and sit there.
I was trapped!!! It was sheer torture!!!
I joke around, but we all know what was really disturbing me was not the silence, the stillness, or the lack of entertainment.
It was me facing my own inner life.
My thoughts, my feelings, my awareness of the world.
It wasn’t exactly….good.
Who would you be without your beliefs about the dangers of life, or the dangers of this world, or the dangers of eating compulsively, or the dangers of not eating compulsively?
Who would you be without your escape behavior?
Who would you be if you took a very deep breath, and paused, and noticed your body and your environment?
You might say: I don’t know.
But not knowing feels somehow much better than KNOWING you are totally in danger, or that you’re a bad person (and so are others) or that this world is somehow threatening.
So even though I don’t have all the answers, that’s for sure, I do notice something remarkable.
It’s OK to not know.
Right now, I’m entirely safe and quiet and peaceful, even while I’m typing these words.
You probably are too, if you’re reading this note.
Who might you be without the belief you’re in danger, or in trouble, or something’s wrong with you, or you’re very small and unworthy?
I keep discovering that who I’d be is Not Acting Violent anymore with my eating, or anything else.
I keep working on my thoughts, and my feelings, and everything else falls into place with balance.
“You cannot be nonviolent if there is any part of yourself that you are in opposition to. You are not truly serving if there is any part of yourself to which you will not extend compassion. Your love will always be conditional as long as you are excluding any part of yourself from it. Suffering cannot be healed through self-hate. Only through compassionate acceptance can suffering be healed. If we accept, if we open ourselves, life will transform us.” ~ Cheri Huber in There Is Nothing Wrong With You
Whatever your addictive thing is, even if it’s telling your troubling story about the world, you can slowly, slowly unravel the knots that bind you.
We’re doing it together.
Question your thinking, change your actions (eating, or anything).
You really can.
I loved everything I learned in Grace’s Eating Peace class. I continue to learn from the deceptively simple tools and jewels. More and more I discover the Life Beyond the Suffering around food. And If I forget, there’s always another chance to remember. Like each time I choose to eat. I’m choosing peace more and more often. Thanks, Grace! ~ Oregon, US
Grace is like the fairy godmother who is objectively and lovingly looking at what’s going on in behavior, thoughts and feelings. The content of the class felt comprehensive and well thought out. I would certainly recommend the course. Thank you. ~ Toronto, CA
Much love, Grace
P.S. Eating Peace Online: Read about this awesome program I put my heart and soul into. This 12 Week Immersion addresses emotional eating and ending the suffering around obsessive thinking when it comes to food.
We start November 17th. Join now (before 11/10) for the huge 30% discount. Come to the webinar and receive a special surprise bonus.
It’s not breaking news that feelings of anger and fear fuel compulsive or obsessive behavior with food (or other substances).
But maybe you haven’t realized what you actually believe about feeling angry, or feeling afraid.
If you want to destroy, crush, consume, hide, repress or make anger and fear invisible….
….and never feel them again….
….then you’ll keep eating (or starving yourself).
Here’s what happened with me that changed everything:
Eating Peace: Trying NOT to change your anger or fear will help you and heal you
Peace,
Grace
P.S. Eating Peace Online starts November 17. We meet Tuesdays and Wednesdays live (9-10:30 am Pacific time) but all recordings are included and you can watch webinars, and listen. Change your thinking, change your eating.
Your great mistake: acting as if you are alone. Inquire with others, find freedom.
Dear Grace…..I HAVE to change, but I haven’t figured out how, even though I’ve tried everything.
Dear Grace…..I’ve been told I could benefit from an inpatient program for “addiction” (in this case eating disorders), but I don’t think it will work.
Dear Grace…..I know there’s no magic bullet or pill or weekend workshop to end all my concerns and stressful behaviors, so why should I bother signing up for any program (like Eating Peace, or The School, or that meditation workshop)?
Dear Grace…..Are there going to be other people who are: my age, my behavior, my experience, my problems, my gender, my size, my shape, my religion, my background? Or will I be the only one like me?
I notice when I’m offering a time to gather together, especially a workshop like Eating Peace (this coming Friday, Saturday and Sunday 10/9-10/11) where we’re exploring the end of suffering especially around eating and investigating the internal world…..
…..people have many questions.
What I see them asking, at the deepest level, is this:
Dear Grace…..This is my story and it’s really painful. I’m afraid it will never end. I know coming to your retreat won’t save me, heal me, stop me, change me completely. But will it at least make a difference? Will it be worth it?
Have you ever felt this way about something you have a choice about?
I need it to be good (and good means: _____)
I need to NOT be bad (and bad means: _____)
What’s strange is, of course, there is absolutely no way to get any kind of solid, 100% confirmed, complete, guaranteed answer.
Ever.
How does anyone know to try something new, or different?
How does anyone decide Yes or No about a possibility?
A few years ago, I signed up for a program that cost a lot of money (according to me, it felt like a huge stretch) and travel time and planning.
Before I decided to sign up, I kept going back to the information presented online about the program, and reading about the founder and teacher, and re-reading articles and books by her.
It was offered every year, and I took a look for about 4 years in a row thinking “I should do this, I really want to see it for myself.”
What was the kernel of truth, the THING I really wanted, the spark of interest that stayed alive and afloat for all that time, that invited me to say “yes”?
It’s kind of undefinable in concrete terms, but I wanted to grow my feeling of feminine power and awareness and sensuality. I loved imagining FEELING pleasure, joy and self-love.
I had already done The School for The Work with Byron Katie quite a few years before.
This felt like a way to practice a turnaround about being thrilled to be alive, and being surrounded by supportive sisters (the program was for women only), and tapping into the joy of my unique life.
I wanted some examples of what it would look like to be living and practicing that turnaround.
My old stressful beliefs were “being female isn’t that great, sisters can hurt or compete with you emotionally, and joy is elusive.”
I knew those beliefs weren’t true.
I wanted to BE who I was without those thoughts.
However, I knew that once the program was over, I’d still be in the world with myself, in my own personal life, with my mind, feelings, soul, and unfolding steps.
And that’s what happened.
I participated in the program, and then it was over.
But I had tools and very solid examples of what this kind of energy looked like. I had pictures now of how I might open up to practicing the energy of whatever I felt “feminine power” was or “awareness” or “sensuality” or “pleasure” or “support” of other women especially.
I remember during that program I walked down the street one day by myself on the way to the morning session with the sudden question “what if right now, I experienced joy and felt every ounce of this body with gratitude?”
I walked into a Starbucks, to get the most fabulous drink that felt the most divine for my body, the most healthy and nurturing.
As I ordered my tea at the counter, the man said “pretty in pink!” and gave me a huge smile (I had on a pink shirt).
Everyone was smiling in the cafe.
People were happy walking their dogs on the morning sidewalks.
I thought “I adore New York City!!” (which is where I was walking).
Was it the program, or me…..
…..or a fabulous convergence of forces and energies all coming together at once.
Neither me, nor the program, nor the curriculum, nor the city is the “cause” of that moment.
It was all of it, joining together. Connected.
Does this mean it was “worth it”?
On the very last day of the School for The Work with Byron Katie over a decade ago, as I left the big conference room after our very last session, full of goodbyes, a staff person said to me….
….”Now is the real school. Your life.”
Gasp. All untethered? Without guidance?
But who was I in that moment without the story that this meant I had to do it all completely alone, that I was by myself, that I had to figure my whole life out independently from anyone else, or that I was not supported by the universe?
Who would you be without the beliefs that if you decide to join with something, anything at all….
….it HAS TO make a difference and I KNOW WHAT THAT LOOKS LIKE!?!
Who would you be without the belief that you’re in charge?
Even with the simple act called doing The Work, or how about the simple act of eating (I know both do not seem so simple depending on your situation).
But what if you questioned your stressed out mind without expectation of the way it is supposed to look once you question it?
What I have found, over time, is when I do NOT know how something will affect my life, my behavior, my choices, my actions in a clear way….
….it’s actually a bit easier.
I let go of being The One who has to Know.
After my first School for The Work, I got a weekly partner and we kept questioning thoughts every Monday for two years.
All I need to know is that I hurt when I believe a whole novel of thoughts about a topic, and they’re all stressful.
When I inquire, I hurt less.
“You don’t need to figure anything out. You don’t need to see how it all fits together. All you need is to practice directing your attention to the life you want.” ~ Cheri Huber in What You Practice Is What You Have
Signing up for a program, a college course, a vacation, a class, a workshop, a date, a marriage, a retreat….
….what if you didn’t focus on the outcome, trying to make sure you won’t stand out, or trying to make sure you’ll be safe, or getting proof that you’ll be different (better) by saying yes?
All these are impossible to know.
What if you allowed yourself to join in simply because you’re curious? Because the way you’re doing it feels All Alone, and difficult?
Who would you be without the belief that you could make a mistake, or waste time or money, or fail at your plans to change?
I have no idea if I’m so different after my program in NYC all those years ago, but I love the story that keeps playing in my mind, the movie I get to watch, when I think about all the scenes and exercises and activities I was invited to do.
They still remind me to consider what it feels like to be responsible for my own joy in any given moment.
I could say it wasn’t “worth it” (I wondered sometimes after it was over) and I could have saved time and money NOT going.
But I can’t find that this is true, when I question it.
“Investigate all the beliefs that cause you suffering. Wake yourself up from your nightmares, and the sweet dreams will take care of themselves. If your internal world is free and wonderful, why would you want to change it? If the dream is a happy one, who would want to wake up? And if you dreams aren’t happy, welcome to The Work.” ~ Byron Katie in Loving What Is
If you’d like to enter the journey, even if you’ve started long ago, or taken it 1000 times, of questioning the beliefs that create suffering around food, diet, weight, failure, or your conviction that you must change (or else)….
….then Eating Peace is a 3 day opportunity to practice, learn, ask questions, find what’s really true for you, get a dose of quiet and insight that only you can really give yourself.
I have been down the long road of terrible suffering around food and eating, and it’s over now.
It has helped me immensely to consult those who have taken this journey and come out.
Now I can be that for you.
Someone wrote to me “I just want to get back to normal.”
Clearly seeing what you’re thinking that produces pain, the urge to eat weirdly, to rage at yourself, to be angry with your body or metabolism, to feel disappointment about food, to be upset with bread or despairing about sugar….
….and questioning these deep old thoughts is the fastest way I know to get to normal.
Whatever that is.
“Your great mistake is to act the drama as if you were alone…..Put down the weight of your aloneness and ease into the conversation…..Everything is waiting for you.”
~ David Whyte from his poem Everything Is Waiting For You
Much love, Grace
P.S. Eating Peace is for those interested in peace, and those willing to look at war. Inner war, outer war. Inner peace, outer peace. To register or read more, click HERE. You don’t have to have any kind of disordered eating to attend, and if you do, you’re truly welcome.
If you’re too careful about what you say, you could hurt yourself
Eating Peace 3Day Retreat is one week away. Room for more. Join me in this thrilling ride of ending wars with food, eating and body image. October 9-11, 2015. Northeast Seattle. Register HERE.
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I need to go easy on him.
Have you ever had that thought when you know you need to bring up something to somebody that you’re pretty sure they won’t like to hear?
Phew.
Feeling mixed about speaking up is very common for a lot of people.
Dangerous results come to mind. Like people getting really mad and running away, or lashing out.
When I was in my twenties I probably got the prize for being the most indirect, angst-ridden, nervous, unclear communicator when it came to dating and men that you’ve ever met.
Well, OK.
It maybe could have been worse.
And here’s the funny part. (Sort of funny, let’s put it that way).
If I didn’t speak, and let it build, and tried to make myself tolerate and NOT talk or say anything hurtful, guess what also tended to happen during those years when it came to communication?
Yep.
The complete opposite.
Slicing someone to shreds verbally on the inside. Being super bossy and controlling. Laying down the law.
I kind of hate to admit it.
The critical part was pretty mean. It mostly happened on the inside. I sometimes gossiped about people I felt scared of. I didn’t want to tell them to their face because I was super worried about hurting their feelings and pleasing them and remaining safe.
It took a lot for me to snap.
My most common way to snap?
Eating.
Since I didn’t let myself speak up to anyone, especially men, so I could avoid hurting their feelings……
…..I would go on these eating binges that felt like tornadoes.
It was like something clicked and I’d say “f*&K IT!” and stop controlling, suppressing, diminishing and squelching my own inner anger. In a mixture of panic, rebellion and fury, I’d eat everything in sight, or drive to find whatever food I damn well wanted.
I also smoked cigarettes, or drank beer or wine.
I was like a Rebel Beoch.
By myself in my own car driving around listening to loud music.
Finally telling the whole world off by expressing the inner energy like a fire storm.
When no one was looking.
(How was that workin’ for me? Um, not so hot actually).
The trouble with letting out energy sideways like that, it never gets directly resolved.
The truth was I felt the crushing experience of believing that Other People I Love could both hurt me, and be hurt by me.
I wanted everyone to be pleased with me so that I myself never got hurt, and never caused hurt.
In many ways, this is the sweetest, dearest, kindest most loving impulse…..way down deep inside the heart.
Do you see how innocent the impulse is to have no one, including me, ever feel frightened, abandoned, ashamed, or unworthy?
You have this inner impulse of gentle loving kindness, too.
But somewhere along the way, thank God, I discovered that being super careful not to hurt anyone had an obvious assumption for me under the surface:
That it was possible to be hurt (oh terrible), and that hurting must and can be prevented.
But here’s the bummer twist to the plot.
If it’s possible to be hurt and to cause hurt, AND you believe you can prevent it, then you’re in deep doodoo.
You have to be insanely careful.
In my situation with men and dating, I’d just not answer the phone if a guy was trying to reach me for a second date. Or I’d act super this-is-friends-only and pretend I didn’t hear if a guy made flirtatious remarks who I wasn’t really attracted to.
If you believe in getting hurt, you may have to “work” on yourself to make sure you quit acting so hurt. Or you may do everything you can to relieve the hurt, end the hurt, get rid of the hurt. You need to constantly learn techniques to fix the hurt, repair the hurt, and quit suffering about the hurt.
But you just can’t accept the hurt.
No way.
You gotta FIGHT it, SMASH it, DESTROY it, BURY it.
But who would you be without your story about HURT?
This includes not only hurting when it comes to dating….
….but every kind of emotional fear of getting hurt, like with friends, family, kids, siblings, co-workers, bosses, neighbors.
Who would you be without the belief that you are capable of hurting just like you were hurt?
Without the belief that it means you are worthy of being hurt, if you were hurt?
Or that someone else is worthy of being hurt, if they hurt you (or hurt others)?
What if you didn’t have the thought that hurting is forever?
“There is only one problem, ever: your uninvestigated story in the moment.” ~ Byron Katie
For me, to question my beliefs about this world hurting me has been the most basic, deep mystery brought forth by The Work.
It seemed like the universe was unfriendly.
You know, those unfriendly situations? You know the ones I’m talkin’ about?
Bad stuff happens.
Who am I though, in this present moment, without that thought that hurting happens, that getting damaged is irreparable, or that it means the universe is not so nice?
Not denial, not sugar-coated, not making it look fine when it isn’t…..
…..this is really looking to see what is actually, genuinely true.
I keep finding, with the help of others and the support of life, that every time I believe I’ve been hurt, I’m carried or pushed or guided or pointed, however softly and subtly (sometimes intensely), to something different.
Something healing.
My disordered crazed eating brought me to seek help, which brought me to the wisdom of others who had healed before me, which brought me to looking deep within at my definitions of pain, history, family, love, parents, work, God, life and death.
Your suffering may have brought you here today, to read these words, because you are a lover of understanding life and reality.
You want to know the truth.
Me too.
I turn the thought around about that thing that hurt so horribly:
that experience healed me
I was not hurt
it did not mean I was deserving of the pain
there is no need to be careful here
I have not unforgivably hurt other people
I did not hurt myself permanently
Could these be just as true, or truer?
Remember, this isn’t denial.
It’s not condoning or believing yay, I got hurt or someone else got hurt.
It’s holding it all in one wide open expansive place, mysterious and unknown.
“If you can learn to remain centered with the smaller things, you will see that you can also remain centered with bigger things. Over time, you will find that you can even remain centered with the really big things. The types of events that would have destroyed you in the past can come and go, leaving you perfectly centered and peaceful. You can be fine, deep inside, even in the face of a deep sense of loss…..Ultimately, even if ‘terrible’ things happen, you should be able to live without emotional scars and impressions.” ~ Michael Singer in The Untethered Soul
Keep inquiring.
We’re getting it.
Can you feel what’s centered and peaceful, even with all the suffering you’ve gone through in your life?
If you can’t….don’t worry.
Inquire.
Nothing more required.
Much Love,Grace
P.S. Do you hurt yourself with food and eating? Eating Peace may be a wonderful experience for you. October 9-11, 2015.For more information, click here.
When you’re afraid, and you believe it’s all true, you may try to escape
Eating Peace in-person 3 Day Immersion Retreat is coming October 9-11 in north Seattle or November 13-15 in Newark area outside San Francisco. (And I’ll teach it a third time Jan 22-24 here in Seattle again). Mental health counselors earn 32 CEUs.
This Grace Note isn’t just for people with eating issues….
….it’s for those of us who do weird things that don’t make sense, that seem out of integrity to our truest nature.
Things that hurt, or hinder, or damage, or diminish something in our experience.
After many years of eating wars and studying how to stop the insanity I experienced….
….and then working with clients one on one for over a decade….
….I discovered some very common themes and deep-seated fears people experience who don’t know how to eat in peace.
Many of these things are true for people who eat without trouble, but do OTHER things without peace.
I started with myself, of course.
When it comes to the way I ate, I remember it well.
It was a *horrible* way to live.
Overeating, binge-eating, emotional eating, over-exercising, getting up at 5 am, avoiding meals with friends and family, pushing, pushing, pushing…..
…..ugh, what a nut-case.
What a painful life.
I didn’t know how to solve my problem of war-like activity. Constantly, my solution was to find a special or perfect way to do different activity. A different diet, a different exercise routine.
What I didn’t know was that the way I ate was not really my problem.
It was a symptom (you’ve all heard this before, I know).
My actual problem was war-like hateful thinking and feeling.
But I couldn’t see it at the time. I always thought something was wrong with me.
Thank goodness for the teachers, helpers, and healers I encountered along the way.
And thank goodness for my extreme, horrendous, life-threatening behavior…..because it made me HAVE to look, instead of avoid looking year after year.
Eating is NOT the only way war manifests in peoples’ lives.
Which is why I’m talking about it in Grace Notes (rather than only on Eating Peace news or videos, and if you want to see Eating Peace videos, just update your subscription at the very end fine print).
But you may have noticed, people have so many other very agonizing activities they engage in regularly that they don’t really want to be doing…..definitely not just food and eating.
So let’s take a look at how to work with difficult feelings (that lead to such difficult behaviors).
My thoughts and feelings in the past were violent.
When you believe violent thoughts about yourself, about your past, about other people…..you’re scared.
You feel powerless. You feel angry. You feel hateful.
Sometimes you feel like you wish you were dead.
Sometimes you ream on other people and categorize others as evil and dangerous (you’re violent in your mind towards them).
Even if you NEVER have taken a bite of food in your life that was emotional rather than based on physical need…..
…..you probably have done something in your life that you really wish you hadn’t, later.
You may have experienced the feeling of self-criticism, sadness, discouragement, depression or shame.
Have you ever noticed that even when you know a ton of stuff about some topic it doesn’t matter sometimes how much you know?
You study about diet, or money, physical fitness, communication, relationships, business, health, success….
….but nothing really changes.
You still tank on the action becoming different.
You still yell at your kid, you’re still late, you still get super anxious, you still drink too much, you still spend a huge chunk of money outside of your budget, you still surf the internet for an extra two hours, you still worry, you still cheat on taxes, you’re out of integrity.
In Eating Peace we dive into the process of exploring how it happens that even with all the knowledge in the world about nutrition, diet, glucose levels, good-feeling foods, foods for your body type, cave-man diet, or mindful eating, or a getting a degree in medicine…..
…..you still eat when you aren’t hungry, or eat the foods you know don’t work well with your body.
I’m sharing this with you all (not just people interested in Eating Peace) because looking at stressful behaviors when you think you know better is seriously interesting.
And seriously disturbing and discouraging.
Doing something you’ve vowed not to do is also fairly common.
Why do I eat when I already know it ends in physical pain and I’m clearly not hungry?
Why do I spend money when I already decided I’m trying to save for that special thing and I want to do?
Why do I rip that woman to shreds in my head and decide to fire her without explanation?
Why do I fantasize regularly about my old boyfriend?
Why do I get all freaked out about the next steps in my career that are pretty obvious?
Why do I never sit down and finish that book proposal?
Why do I race from spiritual teacher to spiritual teacher and fifty retreats a year trying to find enlightenment?
When is enough, enough?
Why is it NEVER enough? (And like I said, this is not about only food and eating).
Well….heck…..
…..if I may be so bold to say: fear.
I think something, I am frightened, I believe it is true, I react.
There is no other possibility when I think what I believe is the truth.
But what if there was another way?
Another option?
“There is nothing more important to true growth than realizing that you are not the voice of the mind–you are the one who hears it.” ~ Michael Singer
Answer this question. Use your imagination for good (not to terrify yourself).
Who would you be without believing your fearful thoughts?
Who would you be if you captured what you were thinking before you overate, or bought something you don’t even really care about, or broke up with your partner, or got together with your old boyfriend, or drank wine, or smoked a cigarette, or started worrying?
Who would you be without your thoughts about life, other people, success, God, you, money, other people….or other people?
(Notice how I have other people in there a few times? I did that on purpose).
Get yourself in a place where you can take the time to question what you think.
It helps to get facilitated. It helps to have a mentor, or a guide, or a teacher.
Who would you actually be, what would you DO, how would you behave, if you knew you could somehow be with fear without DOING something about it (like eat) or believing it to be 100% true?
Question your thinking, change your life.
That’s not a small thing.
It’s huge.
If you notice you have difficult thoughts about food (and you don’t have to have an eating disorder, or be overweight, or obsess about diets all the time) then come to Eating Peace.
Mental health counselors earn 32 CEUs. Yes, that isn’t a typo. We stick together and stay engaged for many hours each day for a Friday, Saturday and Sunday.
Even if we *think* it’s a big fat bummer and we need alone time and we have to go eat something ASAP or die.
You get to see if it’s really true.
Join me in this work I love.
Whether Eating Peace or another retreat–they’re all about the mind and feelings.
Question your thinking, and watch how you act and behave in the world simply change.
Without the violence of trying.
Much Love,
Grace
P.S. One person cancelled yesterday, and one person signed up, so there’s ONE spot open in the 3 day weekend for ANYONE starting this Friday in simple Self-Inquiry and The Work of Byron Katie. Dive into what scares, angers or saddens you the most about your life….and find freedom. Reply to this email if you want to join us in Seattle.
I am sooooooo happy to be back home after traveling for three weeks.
I missed sharing with you all and creating videos, but today I was inspired to consider “home”.
The feeling of being home used to be completely foreign to me when it came to food and eating.
You might have felt this, too.
But there’s a way to pause (and it may require less effort than you ever thought) and picture what’s light about the moment, rather than dark, scary or sad.
Watch here to see what I mean, and leave a comment to let me know what you think.
Lots of peace,
Grace
P.S. Eating Peace is coming! A three day immersion in freedom from eating wars. October 9-11, 2015 north Seattle or November 13-15 near San Francisco. We begin Friday morning at 9:00 am. $347. Register HERE. If you need accommodation, there are 3 bedrooms in our retreat lodge.
During the time 8-10 years ago when I was going through separation from my 15 year marriage, followed by divorce, I felt so lost and anxious.
I was questioning my thinking, meditating daily, and had great tools for finding support.
But I had a very hard time sleeping, and my thoughts would stir up a whole line of thinking about what I should do, could do, need to do.
I felt frantic. It seemed like my very survival was at stake. I could lose my home, my possessions, my stability (I already was).
And then a very dear friend texted me something.
She and I had many conversations about possibilities, and “doing” things and getting some sense of relaxation in my thoughts and prospects for work, and housing, money, security, or new love…..
Not everyone knows that I spent about 10 years of my life….
….as a smoker.
Yep.
I had my first cigarette sometime around age 17 thinking this was just a casual funny thing to do when gathered with friends pretending you were a real grown up.
That turned into heading off to college very soon afterwards and noticing the students who smoked and the students who didn’t smoke, and joining in with the crowd who did.
Then I had a boyfriend who smoked. Every day.
The frequency just kept increasing over time, until I had to realize….
….I was a smoker.
Then I learned something about tobacco companies making millions and decided to buy a pouch of tobacco and roll my own (thinking this cut back on my contribution to those Big Corporations).
One day, I was rolling my cigarette in my apartment, all alone. I had been out biking almost all day, sweating and feeling joy in my athletic body.
I paused. I have no idea why.
I thought about what I was doing, looking at my fingers working with the rolling paper. I could no longer say “I’ll stop smoking when I graduate college”. I could no longer say “I’ll stop smoking when I break up with my boyfriend”. I could no longer say “I’ll stop smoking when I live in my own apartment”.
I was 26, I had broken up with the smoking boyfriend, I had graduated college, and now I lived in my own apartment. I kept passing all those points, and I didn’t stop.
This was going to be harder than I imagined.
I suddenly knew….I either keep going like this, thinking I’ll stop when….
….or I stop.
I don’t know why this particular thing struck me this way.
I had other experiences of addiction….primarily eating….
….that despite wanting to change or stop, I just couldn’t or didn’t until I had several important mentors, therapists and teachers help me with my overwhelming feelings.
But smoking?
It really came over me that day. I just have to stop.
So I did…..for about 6 months.
Then, through a series of transitions and events, I left my job and my apartment behind and returned to my parent’s house where I grew up to regroup for awhile and figure out what was next.
Staring out the window of my old childhood bedroom, at age 26, I felt like an abject failure.
I’m doomed, I thought. I’m such a loser. I can’t do anything right.
Now I have to find a job all over again, and my own place to live, and stop moving back in with my parents. Jeez.
The next thought?
I know! Go buy a pack of smokes! Yeah….do that next!
So I listened to that voice, and I left on foot for the corner store, and walked around the neighborhood at odd nighttime hours, smoking (since it wasn’t allowed in my parents’ house and I agreed it shouldn’t be, plus I was ashamed to be seen smoking by my parents).
I didn’t realize back then, it was my thoughts and feelings that were driving my urge to smoke.
I didn’t realize my own self-hate, being addicted to compulsively thinking there was something wrong with me and with the world, was the thing that fueled the fire of doing this activity called smoking.
Thoughts like….
….I’m unworthy, I can’t, I’m stupid, I’m slow, I’m too whatever.
But here’s the real kicker, as I look back at that time when I re-started smoking.
I’d smoke (or eat, or drink, or over-exercise) in order to not have to actually discover what it would be like to simply be myself.
I didn’t think I could be just me.
Raw, unaltered. Unfiltered (like the cigarettes I used to smoke).
Now, before you think that I “got” something and had a big Ah-Ha magic moment and stopped smoking because of a great lightening bolt of insight….I’ll tell you the end of the smoking story.
As I wandered the neighborhood in growing despair, I would sometimes have the thought “I’d rather be dead.”
Not exactly ready to commit suicide, but very dark and hopeless.
It was so dark and intense….
….I found myself sitting on top of my childhood built-in desk one night at 2 am, looking out at the roof tops of other houses into the night sky, with the window wide open.
God, I need help. I have no idea how to do this. Help.
A few days later, I accepted an invitation from an old friend to attend a party.
Who knows if I would actually go or not….I had no idea.
But I did.
At that party, a man came up to me as I sat under a tree with my lit cigarette and said “Is this your James Dean impression?”
I stared.
Did he just say what I think he said?
It was the most honest question I had been asked in months, and months.
The banter followed. He sat down near me. We talked for hours. We exchanged phone numbers.
A week later, no call from this man.
But I had been thinking about his bold question and the term “impression”.
I liked this awareness that the smoking was an impression, and not the real me. This is secretly what I knew already.
When I reached him on the phone, here’s what he said: Yeah, well, I agree it was awesome talking last week. But I’m serious about the whole smoking thing. I hate it. Smoke smells terrible to me, it kinda makes my head hurt. If you want to do it, OK….but we won’t be seeing each other.
Woah.
Smoking, or his company?
I got all the remaining cigarettes I had purchased, and crunched them into pieces and flushed them all down the toilet. The thing is, I had done this before. I knew what it was like to think “I’m DONE!” and then go back later.
But the next day, I learned I got a job I had interviewed for several weeks earlier at The American Lung Association.
You couldn’t smoke if you worked at the American Lung Association. In fact, I would be helping to educate people about quitting.
I never smoked again.
Not everyone gets an obvious set of choices like that. Maybe because I was such a knucklehead, I needed it to be really clear what choice to make.
But you still have one choice….do you want to see what it’s like to stop acting on the addictive pattern you’re in?
Because you can.
You can tell other people, you can get support, you can call for help.
You can question your thoughts about yourself that you aren’t capable of stopping.
You can most of all question your thoughts of pain, suffering and unrest. All the disturbing thoughts you think that you’ve been believing are true, that contribute to your addictive fixations….
….whether you’re focused on smoking, or eating, or drinking, or using drugs, or having a massive weird crush on someone, or using sex or people as objects of addiction, or spending money and buying stuff, or achieving enlightenment.
Finding out what’s out there, beyond stopping, becomes more interesting and curious and draws you to it like a magnet.
“Eventually you’ll want out, at any cost. You will then realize that life is actually trying to help you. Life is surrounding you with people and situations that stimulate growth. You don’t have to decide who’s right or wrong. You don’t have to worry about other people’s issues. You only have to be willing to open your heart in the face of anything and everything….” ~ Michael Singer
