Category: Addiction

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Ever have a violent thought…..about you?

laughingbuddha
Want to feel the power of love? Question your thoughts about what you (and others) might think about you

I was watching my own video the other day.

Jeez.

What a rambler.

Often, our most critical voices….

….well, let’s face it….

….USUALLY our most critical voices are directed towards ourselves.

We look at us, being us, and we think….

….good grief, ugh.

If I were watching this (and I were another person) I’d find this unorganized, wandering around all over the place, and I’d wonder what the heck is this person even saying?

Dang!

The thing is, most of us then believe these self-critical thoughts are “true” and additionally that they are “absolutely true”.

No other option.

Is there something in your life that you do regularly, where your immediate response or assessment of yourself is that you suck?

It can happen anywhere, any time.

You’re just walking down the street, and you have a thought of that conversation you had with your old friend, or your co-worker, or your boss, or your mom.

You get a sick feeling inside, because you really feel you didn’t handle that situation well.

Or maybe you feel embarrassed about something you did.

Or the way you appear, like I did when I saw myself.

It’s so good to explore this process, and see what’s really going on.

First question: what is TERRIBLE about the “mistake” you’ve made?

What’s the worst that could happen?

Be entirely honest about your worry.

What’s the danger….when someone displays this kind of behavior, words, appearance, “mistake”?

What are you afraid of?

OK, so in my situation, I’m looking at myself on screen rambling away.

What’s the worst that could happen, because of this video, this quality I’m showing and displaying (ramble ramble no inspiring point)?

My answer: other people will also think this, and they’ll miss the message. They’ll reject the message.

They’ll say….what the hell is she talking about?

And go away.

Abandonment. Rejection.

Irritation directed towards me from others.

Every single time I believe I’m doing it wrong, or made a mistake, or appearing like a loser….

….I can guarantee I’ll find Someone Else who might see me through the same eyes.

The next question is…..WHO?

In my case, the people who I think might agree with me that I was rambling on without being clear about my point, are people suffering from compulsive behavior (especially eating)….

….what I’m talking about and the way I’m talking Is Not Helping!

They’ll be disappointed, and leave.

They’ll think….she’s no good, she doesn’t know how to deliver her message, she’s boring, she’s unclear.

At worst, they could not only leave, but spread the word that I’m totally Un-Helpful. They could tell other people to keep away from me.

Yeah, it may seem absurd, but to accept these pictures inside is easier than trying to suppress and attack them and hide them and try to “think positive”.

Because when they’re out in the open, you can take a closer look at the beliefs, and investigate them through inquiry, just to see what’s really, really true for you.

Do you want to know the truth?

So now, because of my own thoughts about me, I can find what I believe others are capable of thinking about me, too, and what would be dangerous about it.

What would their judgments mean for me?

It would mean I won’t have clients, and I won’t have success, and I won’t be a helpful person of service in this world who makes a difference.

From here, I get to see what my mind secretly believes in, that produces pain, suffering and stress.

My belief system here: People will only be served if I’m crystal clear, direct and don’t ramble. They will not receive support if I’m rambling. And I actually need to serve.

Let’s inquire.

Is that true that I’ll only serve if I don’t ramble?

No.

How do I know it?

I’ve been super rambly, I haven’t been clear, and I’ve still served a whole lot of people.

It’s OK to be however I’ve been.

How do I react when I believe in anti-rambling….and I’ve rambled?

Ouch.

Tight. Unhappy. Self-critical. Worried. Needy.

Worried about how to improve or fix myself. Signing up for self-improvement classes out of fear (not out of the fun of it or wanting to learn more).

So who would I be without the belief that I absolutely HAVE TO be clear, direct and never ramble…..in order to serve people?

What if I stepped out of that old mental Dictator paradigm, that the mind loves….

….where it gets crackin’ on the “problem” and solving it without inquiring if what it’s believing is actually even true?

Wait.

You mean I can be however I am, in any given moment?

Yes. Hello!

It doesn’t mean improvement doesn’t naturally happen. It doesn’t mean I don’t re-shoot the video, after greater clarity. It doesn’t mean anything “terrible”.

What if you turned this thought around?

People will only be served if I’m honestly myself, being who I am. They will receive support if I’m rambling. The only way I’ll become clearer about my message and way of speaking is to be myself, authentically me, a human being and not a fake version of someone more perfect.

And, “I” don’t need to serve. It’s not an emergency. It’s not a fundamental “need” like I need food or water. I can naturally serve by being myself, and life shows me what is required, and what serves, and I follow this easily….because it’s the most fun, the greatest joy.

Continuing to explore turning this all around again:

I am the one who will be served if I’m crystal clear, direct and don’t ramble with myself. I won’t receive my own support if I’m rambling.

“I” need to serve the end of my self-judgment, the acceptance of being a human being, the sweetness of enlightenment that’s not up to me.

I am served when people are super clear with me, I notice. I love it when they’re direct.

I also love the flow of rambling brooks, and direct waterfalls, both.

Why would I be against any of these qualities, all of which are present in reality?

Rambling can help things slow down, create a feeling of softness and silence, serve as a reminder that words are not important in the end.

Peace is.

“I’ve come to see that every thought is about identification….Until you come to love yourself, there’s no way to understand that love is the power and hate is not. When people abuse themselves mentally–that’s how we abuse ourselves emotionally of course, with thoughts that just are not true, with the mind that attacks us–You train yourselves to believe that violence is how. It blocks the awareness that love is the power.” ~ Byron Katie in Your Inner Awakening

If you’ve noticed self-critical, or abusive thoughts towards the self, or violence about what you’re like or who you are…..

…..be honest and see why on earth you would really “need” to be different.

What are you afraid you won’t get, or won’t achieve, or won’t be?

Who are you, without these thoughts?

You’re the cutest person ever.

You’re awesome.

You’re a human being.

Breathe deep and be it, and laugh.

Much love,

Grace

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Two terrible, awful, horrible, no good, very bad things

question your stories about death, or craving..... .....feel the mysterious inexhaustible silence
question your stories about death, or craving…..
…..feel the mysterious inexhaustible silence

Every year at the summer Breitenbush annual retreat in late June, we have a movie night.

We watch the film Turn It Around with Byron Katie.

In the movie, quite a few courageous people get up on stage with Katie.

They share their innermost suffering and disturbing thoughts with the whole audience (and in this case, all of us who ever watch Turn It Around, too)!

That’s brave!

Last night, I showed Turn It Around in my Eating Peace retreat.

I’ve seen it about 10 times now, and it’s still moving for me.

One of my favorite pieces of work is when a young woman shares that her brother died in Afghanistan, and how enraged she’s felt about the loss, her devastated family, and death itself.

What an amazing question to ask someone as they consider death (to ask myself)….

….who would you be without the belief that death is so awful?

Without being against death, and anything leading to death?

It does seem to be the overwhelming way of it, as in 100% of the time, that we die.

So why get so disturbed?

What’s this deep, terrifying upset all about, anyway?

It’s profound to think of, at this level.

Almost the same, for me, as the process of addiction (which is what everyone is looking at so very closely in Eating Peace these three days).

Craving.

This whole over-eating, under-eating, worrying about eating thing.

What’s So Upsetting?!!

What’s going on in any moment, that we would choose to start to eat, and eat, and eat…..or drink, and drink, and drink…..or smoke, obsess about a person, shop, internet, clean, facebook….

….want, want, want?

What is so disturbing about the moment we insist we need something to…..

WHAT??

We looked at this today, in our retreat.

What does that thing, person, activity…..give you?

People noticed they thought eating, in those compulsive moments, would give them comfort, reward, compensation, soothing.

What does believing that death-is-terrible give you?

Huh.

Why would I choose to think death-is-terrible is true?

It’s like there’s some kind of idea within that if I didn’t think death was terrible, I’d twiddle away the hours I’ve got, I wouldn’t care, I’d be weird, I wouldn’t get freaked out about loss, change, and things coming and going (people or animals).

I’m afraid I wouldn’t truly love, I’d be too detached.

But is that true?

Whether it’s death I find frightening, or this empty moment, or this gruesome image from a memory….

….when I believe my story that this situation is lousy, or bad for me….

….I become fear, loss, sadness, distress, drama, excitement.

That’s who I am when I’m believing my story.

Alone, confused, not exactly trusting of the universe and reality.

So who would I be without the belief that my mind, my thoughts, my story, the images I see, my fantasies about death, my fantasies about this moment (that invent the need for some compulsive behavior) are true?

Who would I be if I didn’t believe my stories?

Including the story of death?

Including the story of uncomfortable feelings and moments and situations and addiction?

I would be feeling, seeing, being myself, which includes for me nutty pictures (some frightening) and judgments racing by and a brain full of thinking (sometimes).

Noticing that even though I see pictures of what death might be like, or other people I love dying, and even though I wonder about death a lot….

….and even though it sometimes occurs to me that a moment is annoying, missing something, more than I can handle, or boring….

….I don’t have to believe it.

In fact, I often don’t.

I don’t have to do anything.

I don’t have to get up, or fix it quick, or eat something, or figure out how to handle it.

Without believing my thoughts, they are just there, being themselves.

Me, too.

Oh, and look at that.

The universe is being Itself, too, in all its wild mysterious glory, full of lives being lived temporarily (it seems) and moments happening only for an instant (even moments full of craving) and things morphing, moving, opening, closing, changing.

Turning the thoughts around in every way: death is wonderful, craving is wonderful, life is terrible, not-craving is terrible, my thinking about death is terrible, my thinking about craving is terrible.

Could these be just as true, or truer?

“She who is centered in the Tao can go where she wishes, without danger. She perceives the universal harmony, even amid great pain, because she has found peace in her heart. Music or the smell of good cooking may make people stop and enjoy. But words that point to the Tao seem monotonous and without flavor. When you look for it, there is nothing to see. When you listen for it, there is nothing to hear. When you use it, it is inexhaustible.” ~ Tao Te Ching #35

Question your thinking, feel wonderful and open, rather than terrible and closed.

Yes. Even about Death. Even about Addiction.

The world keeps doing what it does….

….and yet, it looks so different.

Much love, Grace

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There’s Not Enough (participants, time, money, love)!

Question your belief in Not Enough....discover the truth.
Question your belief in Not Enough….discover the truth.

I’m offering the three day Eating Peace retreat this coming Friday, Saturday and Sunday. This is a time to completely unplug from your usual ways with food and eating.

This morning I noticed a funny thought float through.

There aren’t enough people enrolled.

Not Enough.

The Not Enoughs are back, alive and well. The belief in Not Enough of something…..anything.

It’s such a common human idea.

Not enough money, not enough time, not enough love, not enough pleasure, not enough peace, not enough accomplishment.

You might have noticed this thought, even if you’ve never eaten a bite of anything compulsively.

As I sat in meditation on this upcoming retreat, something I always do before I’m about to teach, I felt the sweetness of looking forward to whoever shows up, and feeling the joy and inspiration of investigating thought….and eating very slowly together.

Yes, we practice mindful eating at the retreat.

And people attend this retreat who don’t even have intense “eating” issues, it’s so amazing to slow down in this basic human experience called eating.

In the retreat, I stay with everyone every step of the way, including when you’re eating midday and in the evening. Every bite is eaten together.

Something almost none of us do on a daily basis.

Something I never even imagined I would one day do in a retreat, where I’m the facilitator!!!

Sometimes, when people take this Eating Peace retreat, people report a life-changing HALT, almost like the brakes were put on, around the wild eating cycle of constant compulsive thinking and behavior with food.

Wild cycles of compulsive eating…..

…..that’s certainly what it used to be like for me, thirty years ago.

If someone had offered a live workshop on eating peace at the time, I would have thrown myself into it as soon as possible. I had nothing like that available to me. What was available was therapy (I am grateful and deeply appreciative to all the therapists who worked with me). I also found a group called Beyond Dieting that met weekly about freedom from compulsive thinking about food. There were books to read. There were 12 Step Meetings.

But nothing just for crazed eaters like me that would help stop the insanity for a whole day or more.

I had to go to an inpatient hospital program for that. And I did.

But not before a LOT of suffering.

When I was about 25, I moved. Again.

I had lived in dorm rooms, apartments, house-shares and lots of temporary type housing (interspersed by staying at my parent’s home) since I was 18.

But that year when I was 25 after finally graduating from college, I actually moved a long distance away, going from Washington to Colorado.

I’ll never forget the silent drive for 3 days, camping in my own tent by myself, and feeling the combined fear and excitement of being on the road and entirely free and uncertain.

It’s a wild, strange feeling.

I remember driving through Wyoming and seeing the mountains rise up in sharp, dramatic peaks. I was on small backroads for a certain length of time and I pulled my little car over and stopped and got out and stood in the wind.

A herd of antelope moved off in the distance between me, and the mountains. The wind blew loudly. It was completely silent. Not one other car in sight. Brown grass blowing chaotically like water all around.

I was on my way to Denver. I was on my way into a new life chapter.

For awhile, when I arrived, I had an excited momentum of newness surrounding me. I knew what to do each day.

Project: Get A Job. Get A Place To Live.

Basics like that can keep you very busy and concentrated.

No time for the haunting sense of failure or need to overeat or binge-eat, or smoke or drink (which were low-level things I used occasionally also at the time).

The horrible behavior had been binge-eating. I hated it and fought with it and really did not want to experience it ever again. I had seen therapists for it and learned a lot.

That was OVER now!

But after about six months of things settling down, having a basic job at the University of Denver and my own room in a beautiful Victorian house-share with 4 other people….

….one day my visitor appeared again.

The mean, bored, critical one who was also quite frightened and felt like a victim with a chip on her shoulder and wanted to eat.

She was a part of me. And she was back.

Uh-oh.

I thought I had obliterated her from the face of the earth. And locked the door and thrown away the key.

But here she was returning after my “geographical cure” of moving to a brand new city, starting to make new friends, take new classes, be a new person.

Dang it.

She was kind of angry (wouldn’t you be?) that I had ignored her and put her on hold for so long.

I found myself opening the cupboards of the kitchen in this beautiful house I lived in on Elizabeth Street, and seeing what my roommates had for food.

I stared at their boxes of cereal, or loaves of bread, or chunks of cheese on other peoples’ designated shelves in the refrigerator.

I shaved off a tiny slice, trying to make it so it wasn’t noticed, of banana bread from someone’s package.

My mind started to kick in…..

…..if I just eat a little bite from everyone’s food, they won’t notice.

I did that.

And guess what?

It wasn’t enough.

I wanted more.

I got into my car, in snow 8 inches deep on the ground in my first Denver winter, and started to drive.

I call this, now, the Searching Trance.

I would turn into a fast food restaurant, order something that sounded normal, pay for it through the cold roll down window, and start to eat it the minute I drove away.

Driving and eating and looking for the next place to buy something to eat.

My mind would spin with what sounded good and what I wasn’t allowed and where I could find it.

Is it here? Is it there? Is it around that corner?

Quick, quick, quick, quick.

The adrenaline was pumping and there was a sense of almost being about to get caught, and sneaking everything I wasn’t allowed to eat (to think).

My mind was on an escape mission.

I ate and ate from one end of town to the other, and headed back to my home.

Inside, thankfully, only one of my housemates was home and I managed to smile a big fake smile, say hello, and speed past them to head upstairs to my room. And the bathroom where I would turn on the shower so nobody could hear me, and make myself throw up food I had just eaten.

Then….I could rest.

That’s the thing about that cycle….I could finally rest and I would sleep very deeply almost like I got knocked over the head.

Nowadays I look back at that suffering and realize if only I could have discovered a way to stop, lie down, and relax….

….I could have gotten there without the food.

But I didn’t know how.

I so badly wanted to rest my MIND and my thinking, and it never worked to lock it up or try to control the thoughts by suppressing them and pushing them away or down or out of sight.

Eventually, still in Denver, I checked myself in to the hospital treatment program for addiction and eating disorders and lived there for an entire month.

Fortunately for me, my health insurance through my job at the university paid almost in full for the entire program, although it was crazy expensive.

It was a huge help for me to live my life daily without the binge-eating, and not as a geographical cure…..

…..instead I was surrounded by people who knew how I suffered.

Every hour of every day was filled with exercises, groups, activities, relaxation, therapy, conversations and intense sharing of the deep darkness I held in my heart about life.

I had to face the most sad and frustrating events from my past, and look at ways to handle my thoughts without needing or using eating or any other substances to “help” me get through life.

Now, the honest truth is…..

…..I engaged in every single addictive behavior again after a certain period of time back in “regular” life on the street after my inpatient experience.

But that was when I got really scared again and didn’t know how to be with my own feelings and thoughts.

I had no way to inquire at the time.

I just “believed” and went with it. I thought what I was thinking was true.

However, that immersion into time without binge-eating or using anything, ever, to escape gave me some solid ground to walk on.

I knew I was going to be OK.

I knew I could return to practicing the belief in “enough”.

I got myself into a group, I went to meetings, I found ways to get support and not panic with the deep belief in Not Enough.

Who would you be without your thought in Not Enough of something?

Are you sure you need it?

Are you sure it’s not possible for you to get what you need?

Are you sure you can’t handle this moment easily, without that thing you believe is missing or that you don’t have enough of?

Whether it’s money, time, love, safety or success…..

…..what if you turned the thought around, after you contemplate being without it altogether?

I DO have Enough.

That thing I don’t have enough of?

What if it needs more of ME?

More of my kindness, acceptance, attention, willingness to hang out with it.

That mean nasty one who used to come visit and want to binge-eat?

I notice she still shows up sometimes, although she never cares about eating and hasn’t binged in several decades…..

…..because she doesn’t need to scream that loudly anymore.

She’s softer. She’s not so dark and dreary.

She’s more easily amused, and her mind changes much more quickly.

I let her sit at the table with me for as long as she wants, and she can tell me all about what I’m missing and what she believes isn’t present enough in my life.

I give myself a lot of her……

……because she is me.

Because the ultimate turnaround is:

I need more of myself, in this situation.

I need to attend to me, love me, enjoy me, notice me, care for me, be in love with me, dance with me, eat with me, hug me, feel the enoughness of being alive even as life changes and moves every day.

When I feel this way, I love everyone and everything I come into contact with….

….whether it’s a small workshop full of inquirers, or a big one with 100 participants in it.

I’ve had both, and it’s a marvel either way.

This retreat has room, apparently, for more.

And it is perfectly enough as is.

Can you find it, in your life?

In my world, I can trust that exactly the people who show up are the ones who are supposed to be here, and no more or no less.

If you think you’re possibly supposed to be with me this weekend, hit reply, or join now, or call me 206-650-1230. To register, click HERE.

And meanwhile, no matter who or where you are….

….question your belief that you don’t have enough of something.

It doesn’t mean you SHOULD go without. You don’t know what will happen, with inquiry. It’s just an adventure in exploring beliefs.

You might be amazed at what you find.

“The way out of suffering is to be engaged in the process of ending suffering. The process is the outcome. In Life, the transformation occurs in the process.” ~ Cheri Huber in I Don’t Want To I Don’t Feel Like It

“The Master stays behind; that is why she is ahead. She is detached from all things; that is why she is one with them. Because she has let go of herself, she is perfectly fulfilled.” ~ Tao Te Ching #7

Much love,

Grace

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Eating Peace Free Master Class: How to question your thinking on eating troubles

News Flash: Join me for a completely free Eating Peace Master Class Online on Sunday morning 8:30 am Pacific Time. You participate from the comfort of your home with any computer. You’ll receive a link to the webinar in your Inbox if you register. To sign up, click HERE.

Watch my little two minute video about it here:

You can find peace with compulsive eating (thinking). Join me on Sunday!
You can find peace with compulsive eating (thinking). Join me on Sunday!

Why am I offering such a class?

Because I’m committed to supporting people end their misery around food, eating and body image.

To end all misery, in every area, really.

You probably know by now, my worst nightmare was living with terrible thoughts and feelings about eating, food, and how my body looked and performed athletically.

Always falling short, never good enough.

Unable to stop binge-eating and then swinging to total restriction and freaking out on heavy exercise.

You don’t have to have this experience with eating to know the pain of compulsive or “addictive” behavior.

Reaching to grab something.…

….seeking, pushing, striving, wanting, feeling desperate, bored, upset, angry….

….this state of grabbing can precede the urge to smoke, spend money, buy stuff, clean, surf the internet for hours, watch TV, drink, smoke, gamble, obsess, be sexual, think.

Addicts Anonymous….you know what I mean?

Yikes.

It’s really not a happy life in this cycle.

But if we knew what else to do, we’d do it.

The interesting trick I’ve found (and the only one that seems to hold up over time)?

Questioning Thoughts.

Wondering who I would be without them.

Noticing what’s right here, now, in front of my face and in my environment.

What I’m surrounded by that is Not Thinking.

At first, it was just puzzling.

Then….wondering who I was without thought became quite interesting.

Then….fascinating.

And then….just a feeling, a being.

Here. Present. Accounted For.

But don’t worry about all that.

We all think, we all believe, we all take ourselves very seriously, we’ve all fallen into fantasy worlds.

All it takes is practice to relax, just like walking.

As you use your imagination to experience what it’s like to be without your stressful thoughts….

….you get a glimpse of freedom.

If you’re not sure how and you’re especially interested in questioning thoughts about food and eating….

….come join me on Sunday morning for The Work of Byron Katie on food and eating.

We’ll take at least one deeply stressful core belief to inquiry, so you’ll know what to do the next time you’re suffering.

And the next.

And the next.

You can do this.

Right now….who would you be without your thoughts? What’s going on around you, in you, through you?

Are you laughing yet?

And if you aren’t, there’s nothing wrong with you.

Just do The Work.

Much love, Grace

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Who do you think is gross? Inquiry to the rescue!

Thoughts about someone else doing unmentionable addictive things? Do The Work for freedom!

Do you have someone in your life who repeatedly acts a certain way, and you find it disturbing?

Almost funny to ask the question….because if you give yourself even a few minutes to consider it….you can probably find it.

Yeah, now that you mentioned it….

Amazing, though, how frightening it is for people to see this part of the mind that objects to someone else and what they’re doing, or saying, or feeling.

But give yourself the amazing gift of inquiry today, if you’ve noticed some small (or large) behavior in someone else you don’t appreciate or like.

It doesn’t mean you are a bad person, if you have something like this you notice, if you have something about another person that bothers you.

Not at all.

It means you’re a human being, with a brain.

Long ago I was dating someone who was very caustic, opinionated, intense, and hilarious, and in a great deal of pain–in both my opinion and his opinion.

I had The Work, so I knew to question my thoughts.

I did quite a few worksheets on this guy!

Because of the number of worksheets and stressful thoughts about him, there were a few times when I thought “I should give up!”

What good was this to repeat the same complaints over and over again about this individual?

The thing is, that’s a nice thought to have, EXCEPT….

….giving up doesn’t really work either.

“You either question your thoughts, or you believe them….there is no other choice.” ~ Byron Katie

Your thoughts don’t just decide to dissolve, diminish or go away never to reappear again if you think “it’s no use, I can’t get rid of these thoughts.”

Because you’re trying to get rid of them!

How do you feel when someone tries to get rid of you?

So let’s take a look at a situation when someone is doing that super irritating thing again, or that discouraging thing, and you feel upset about it.

The place I found it repeating itself for me?

He shouldn’t be addicted.

I know other humans suffer deeply with this belief about people they love.

She shouldn’t drink. He shouldn’t smoke. They shouldn’t use drugs. He shouldn’t engage in that activity. She should stop cleaning,trying to be perfect, exercising, working. He should stop watching TV, gambling, having affairs.

The person I thought of over and over again who should not be addicted was troubled by his pornography use. He paid a lot of money for it, he went on binges with it, he swung from zero sexual contact to compulsive sexual contact with other people.

He was incredibly unhappy, he reported.

Yet, he couldn’t stop signing up for membership porn sites, and paying for sexual encounters, or even masturbating.

I know this may seem shameful to speak of, but replace this obsessive activity with eating, or drinking, or smoking. Just notice anything you feel the urge to hide.

It’s the same kind of shame.

Having the judgments feels shameful, too. I shouldn’t be judging him for this. I shouldn’t bring it up. Ew.

But there I was, dating someone with this kind of compulsion to do things that felt sexually stimulating.

I had a few thoughts.

He should control himself. He’s disgusting. He should have real relationships with people (with me) instead of using people to get off all the time. He should quit pushing for peak experiences and become interested in the valleys as-where most of us live. He should quit participating in the sick sex industry. He is immature, gross, inaccessible, unable to be intimate. I don’t ever want to date a man who uses porn again.

 

Phew.

See, I can still find the thoughts all right there, as I remember this relationship and how I saw him even though it was many, many years ago. The situation is still accessible to me.

Step #1: get all the vicious, mean, nasty, discouraged thoughts out on paper. Write it all down. All of it.

Step #2: One concept at a time, have someone walk you through inquiry–the four questions.

Like this.

Is it true that he should stop doing that behavior?

Yes. Dear God, yes.

Some mothers and fathers feel this way about their addicted kids. So much terror and angst, they might walk the streets at 2 am trying to find their kid. So much sadness.

Are you sure, are you absolutely positive this is true?

If you say yes again, no problem.

I understand.

I do see, from doing this work, that Reality appears to have addictive people living in it.

Reality includes a mind that believes, and gets so upset it thinks to escape with some activity or substance.

So for me, personally, I’m not really sure it’s absolutely true anymore. I also see how addiction brought me to my knees, and then to God/Reality/Source/Freedom.

How do you react when you believe he or she should not be operating the way they are operating, in the throes of addiction?

Screaming on the inside.

One huge “noooooo!”

Frightened half to death, enraged, wanting to hit something.

Who would you be without these thoughts?

Who would you be without the belief that this person you care about should stop that activity?

Who would you be in that same situation when they are doing it, or you learn about them doing it, and you aren’t hating it, or against it with all your might?

What if it was not personal?

Sometimes in this question, people think…..but….

….I would walk away, if I didn’t have this belief, and this would be terrible and even worse, and very sad.

I would quit fighting, and if I quit fighting I wouldn’t be there for them, or help them, and I’d be all alone. I would be the one who abandoned them. Oh no, I couldn’t do that, I have to keep the thought “they should stop” or else they (and I) will go to hell in a hand basket!

But are you sure THAT is true?

Do you really think everything is on YOU to be The One to turn that person around?

Are you the one in charge here?

I noticed, I wasn’t.

When I did this work in earnest, I suddenly realized, in this question four, that I had no idea how to be with my friend without the thought that he needed my help.

Wow.

Some might call that a big ego. Heh heh.

But I was willing to find out what it was like without being a “helper” or being someone who thought this other person needed to change.

Because, as mentioned, the way I was when I believed the thought also did not work. At all.

Instead of listening to long explanations of what, why or how this man I cared about entered his addictive behavior, I let it all rest.

(All those conversations were really incredible, by the way, and enlightening, and I saw how much I shared with him around wanting to escape the world).

Instead of having an End Goal to have this behavior stop, I stopped.

The relationship completely changed.

And then, ended in its current format.

No need for further communication.

No talking, no phone calls, no seeing each other….as it turned out.

Turning the thoughts around about this man and his pornography use:

I should control myself from being so addicted to helping him. He’s not disgusting. I should have real relationships with people (and with myself) instead of using helping people to get off all the time.

Wow.

I should quit pushing for peak experiences (bliss and happiness) and become interested in the valleys–where I usually live. I should quit participating in his sick sex industry by getting all freaked out about it.

I am immature, gross, inaccessible, unable to be intimate with him, or with myself (especially when I have a constant agenda of him not using).

And finally, I am willing to be in contact with people who are using porn again. I look forward to being in contact with them.

That’s 100% true.

Because I learned so much about compulsive sexual behavior from that amazing man, I have the ability to support people through inquiry and exploring their addictive process, without judgment.

I know it’s exactly the same as I was with food.

And it’s not like I haven’t had thoughts about sexuality and sexual experience–everyone has thoughts about this, all worthy of questioning if what you’re thinking is stressful.

It’s exactly the same as I’ve been over and over again with believing my stories are true.

“If you want to govern the people, you must place yourself below them. If you want to lead the people, you must learn how to follow them.” ~ Tao Te Ching #66

Ahhhhh yes.

 

I had learned also that sexuality was shameful, and worthy of hiding, and never discussing. I’ve pretended I didn’t have huge desires and passions for ecstatic experience of all kinds. I’ve been pulled into craving and fantasy, and worried it was wrong.

 

No different.

 

Thank you inquiry, for leveling out the playing field.

 

Much love,

Grace

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Is it a stressful story, or a wishing rock?

without your stressful story, maybe all you have is a beautiful wishing rock
without your stressful story, maybe all you have is a beautiful wishing rock

You might be able to tell, there’s a theme lately going on in Grace Notes or Eating Peace videos on youtube.

Retreat.

On the inside.

But you may not be so happy about that theme if you feel like you’re not doing it right.

If you feel like you’re completely pissed off, agitated, anxious or depressed. Or on attack mode (the opposite of retreat) running forward trying to get it handled, or fixed, or done forever.

I get it.

The other day I thought a stream of thoughts, all of which were along the same vein….

….like the way there are veins in the old granite rock up near Ross Lake in the wilderness, driving distance from my home.

Up near Ross Lake, huge slabs of rock are exposed, with a highway cutting through the edge that winds up through the mountains.

College and high school classes go there for the observation and learning about geology of the region, where the under-layers of earth pushed and cracked to the surface and became exposed.

Huge veins of deep or light color run through the rock.

Like the pebbles you see on beaches that have one line running through the pebble that’s different from the rest of the rock, making the pebble appear to have a ring around it.

Since I was little, the kids all said “pick up this kind of pebble, make a wish, and throw it over your left shoulder into the water….your wish will come true.”

Wishing rocks.

Who said so?

Maybe someone many generations back, or far, far back into so many years ago we don’t even remember.

That one thread running through the rock was so solid, so beautiful, so permanent, so colorful.

As I was noticing a thread of thinking running through my own mind, I suddenly had the vision of one of these pebbles….

….or a whole side of a mountain, like near Ross Lake, that had a thick vein of color running through it in massive proportion.

My thoughts were thick and tight and strong, and repetitive, like this vein.

Sigh.

They went like this:

Life is kind of dull, like the weather. I don’t feel like (fill in the blank). Maybe I should get a different regular normal job (I always love when this thought comes in). How about a cup of coffee? Yeah, that’s it. It’s not possible to be on retreat at all times. It’s too boring, too slow, and not practical. There are too many things I want to do in life, and I need to clean. And pay bills. My cottage is too small. The carpet needs vacuuming. Nothing ever works out perfectly.

Yeah.

It was that self-piteous. Piss. Moan.

It continued.

My clients and students who are angry right now, or having a hard time, especially those who experience a contentious relationship with eating?

There’s no solution. They’re right. Life is hard. Holidays are difficult. Family is troubling. People are complicated. Addiction is not easy to overcome. Compulsion is too strong to address. It’s too hard to change one’s story. 

And while we’re at it, can I mention that I hate shopping?

BEEEEEEEPPPPPP.

Did you hear the loud horn?

It was the kind that is built to scare away bears in the wilderness.

You hear it?

It means “stop now”.

Because these kinds of thoughts are strong, compelling and they have babies faster than you can say Jack Robinson.

(Which, by the way, do you know where the saying comes from “faster than you can say Jack Robinson?” From the 1600s in England. Talk about passing along ancient impressive history and old stories through phrases, like the line in the hard rock lasting for generations into the future, even if we no longer know who Jack Robinson is anymore).

Pause.

Even though everything is happening.

Even though you are getting on and off airplanes, or wishing you could and you aren’t.

Even though you are upset with the weather, and worried about global warming, and its not snowing where you live anymore, or snowing too much.

Even though you were fired, or your love of you life divorced you. Even though you lost your hearing, or your health. Even though you can’t read every amazing classic book ever written. Even though you don’t know what to get your kid for Christmas. Even though you’re sick of decorations all around you when you do not even celebrate this holiday. Even though you ate too many cookies at the office party.

Just stop.

Do you notice how you react when you think it’s hopeless?

Do you notice what happens in your body when you believe the world is a dangerous place, or disappointing?

Ow.

When I believe these kinds of thoughts, there’s a crushing weight of self-criticism, responsibility, grief.

So who would you be without these thoughts?

Without beliefs that pack tightly together and create a line inside a rock?

What if you just caught that chatter that says “I’m sick of it” and wonder who you are without the belief?

Because there are already huge parts of you without the belief.

My pinky finger on my right hand, for example, doesn’t have any of these thoughts.

I also didn’t have these thoughts yesterday when curling up in bed to go to sleep after a productive day.

I didn’t have the thought when walking into the gym, or listening to one of my best friend’s messages about her own thoughts with love and acceptance.

Or when I noticed the beauty of red car tail lights filling the night streets. I’m not kidding.

You don’t even really have to work so incredibly hard to wonder what it would be like to not have these kinds of solid, ancient thoughts.

Because there is already a great part of you, far bigger than the energy of this thinking, that doesn’t have any of these thoughts.

Who are YOU anyway, who believes it has stressful thoughts?

Are you sure YOU have them?

Where are they?

I notice they are only an energy, zipping through.

I notice they only come into vein-formation if I begin to follow them, and believe them, and take them seriously.

The other day a student wrote to me “I feel like breaking something!”

“How do you know you’re supposed to be angry? You are!” ~ Byron Katie to me when asking her about my own anger and how to get rid of it.

Just because I think it, I feel it, doesn’t mean I AM IT.

Turning the thoughts around….

Life is full of movement, like the weather. I do feel like (fill in the blank). I am not the one in charge. Nothing is required. There are no solutions to “life”. It IS possible to be on retreat at all times, it’s already actually happening, I don’t have to try. My thoughts are profuse, and that’s fun. Only my mental noise and mind believes them, not the rest of me. I will never be “done”. My mind is too small, my mind needs vacuuming. Everything works out perfectly. 

Pause a moment longer, now that you’ve been pausing to consider your thoughts, and not taking them seriously.

Take a very deep breath.

Relax your entire body. Hold still a moment.

Even if your mind yells and makes noise and comments and gestures and demands you get up and do something….

…..notice how you do not have to act like it’s true.

“Practice not doing, and everything will fall into place.” ~ Tao Te Ching #3

Much love,

Grace

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Eating Peace: Ending shame is maybe the greatest key to ending compulsion…here’s how

When I was a kid, I felt ashamed and embarrassed to feel just about anything.

Ecstasy and attraction (wanting) something, anger or fury, sadness or self-pity.

The shame of feeling these, and wanting to cover up that I felt them, I took with me into adulthood.

The problem is, if you feel ashamed to feel, you have a MAJOR BLOCKADE going on with reality.

Because you are a feeling person.

Watch here to find out how to allow all feelings to be present and come into the light.

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You should do The Work on yourself

My 100th Podcast Episode. Peace Talk is a short (less than 10 minutes) talk about inner peace, in every situation. Thanks for listening. Keep writing with your topics and questions, I love hearing from you.

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thank you everyone for sharing your stressful thoughts, for they are mine, too, it turns out

“This is a LOT of work”said the handsome young man sitting on my couch.

Our session had just come to an end, after going into overtime.

He said it with a sigh and a slightly dejected sense of disappointment in his voice.

Like….dang it. 

I was hoping for a change of heart after this.

Immediately, I thought about how I could have used the session more productively by saying a little more about The Work in the first place, by explaining it better (not true).

What I had not known was he knew just about nothing about The Work, but was still somehow drawn to come see me.

He knew I once had a food thing of some kind.

He had a drinking and smoking thing.

I could see the pack of Camel Straights in his shirt pocket, the kind I used to smoke myself so many years ago.

He wanted it to be over.

He wanted it to be a thing that was No Longer A Thing.

Like that old terrible relationship you remember you once had, and it was violent and troubling, and now it’s been 20 years, or 2 years, and you actually kind of smile when you think of that person.

Addictive compulsive behavior is like this.

It’s so painful, so full of suffering and angst and self-hatred, that anyone experiencing even a little tiny bit of trancing into something addictive, whether a substance or a behavior, would think “this has to stop” when you snap out of the trance.

It doesn’t just stop though, right?

Nope.

Not if you want to skip over the part in which you discover what you’re thinking, believing and feeling that causes the unrest in the first place, that fuels the reaching for the thing that will help you forget awhile about your thoughts.

It also won’t stop if you persistently think you are alone AND you should be able to figure this out by yourself.

It won’t stop if you think you should pull it together and feel gratitude for how much you have (whats-wrong-with-you-anyway).

And it won’t stop if you HATE uncomfortable feelings, or feelings of terror and failure and vulnerability.

Because those feelings are what often happen right before you reach for the thing, so you’ll have to be with them.

This sweet man had emailed me before our first session and asked if he should fill out any forms beforehand, to save time, or do anything to prepare.

I sent him a Judge Your Neighbor worksheet and said he could spend time filling it out and to pick something other than himself.

Guess what he said as he sat down on my couch to begin the session?

“I couldn’t find anyone at all in my life I have trouble with, thank God. I have such an amazing life. I have so many people I love and who love me. I have it pretty good.”

Oh boy, here it comes I thought….

“It is me I have a problem with. Just me. So I answered the questions on this sheet about myself.”

So now today, instead of talking about how I found it so much easier to do The Work on the world, which turned out to Be Me anyway, and give you a suggestion on Not Doing It On Yourself…..

…..I’m going to do my own work.

Which is really the quickest, easiest, most productive, direct way.

And yes, it’s called The Work because it appears to require some time and attention and care.

But I really have no choice, because it’s either do this, or fuss internally and get irritated.

Maybe I stay irritated, maybe I fuss, but at least one way there’s a chance of rain.

Without questioning my thoughts….it’s a drought and maybe rain comes eventually, but who knows.

I’m in a hurry.

So here we go.

People should stop doing The Work on themselves!!

They should stop being so harsh and critical of themselves. They should join the human race and be normal mediocre humans. They shouldn’t think they owe a debt or are extra privileged and guilty, they shouldn’t try so hard, they should relax and enjoy this amazing life while they’re here.

If they’re addicted and they don’t want to be, they should f*%&ing stop using the thing they’re addicted to and WRITE DOWN THEIR THOUGHTS when they think “I have to smoke”.

They should understand that their thoughts and feelings are driving them crazy, not the substance. They should stop being so frightened, so discouraged, and so hard on themselves.

Let’s do The Work.

These people should stop insisting on doing The Work on themselves.

Is that true?

No.

How do I know?

It’s not happening.

Plus, I’ve watched concepts I’ve had about ME float through my consciousness, and been aware of questioning them, and how powerful it’s been.

I should have explained the process of self-inquiry using The Work much better to that new client…..is that true?

No. I didn’t.

How do I react when I believe people should stop doing The Work on themselves?

Irritated. Wanting to explain. Thinking that explanations would solve the problem.

Remembering my own life when I thought all it would take to be happy was me being different, doing therapy, me being strong, disciplined, full of willpower, determined, intentional, driven, clear.

With the thought, pictures of another friend pass through my mind.

A friend very, very determined to become enlightened.

I feel angry at her effort and her pushing, her bossy ways, her spouting off her opinions about other people and who is awake or not awake (ugh).

That same friend, I realize suddenly, sees herself in the same way this young man sees himself.

Not There Yet.

“I just need someone to kick my ass…” he said.

Really?

Pause.

Deep breath.

I got a little worked up there for a minute, reacting to the thought “people should stop doing The Work on themselves.” 

So who would I be without the thought?

Without any thought that they should be any different than they are, that they should think any differently about themselves, or stop being so harsh and critical and controlling.

Without the thought they should stop thinking they need their ass to be kicked?

What would that feel like, as I sit picturing them in this moment?

I see myself over there, in their shoes.

I see someone with a huge enormous heart, so big they don’t want to judge others or hurt others.

I see someone full of passion, someone wanting to give to the world, someone understandably tired of their own fears, worries, doubts and false stories.

I think of this young man, and my friend, and sense their discouragement.

I feel compassion without the belief they should be any different than they are, including self-critical.

I feel lightness, too.

If I just got here from another planet, without any thought that these humans should be less critical of themselves….

….I would notice that’s not reality here.

Without these thoughts….

….I’d facilitate this man on his belief that he just needs to get organized.

I turn it around: people should keep doing The Work on themselves.

I should not be so harsh and critical of them, or of me. I should join them, being a normal mediocre human rather than a know-it-all.

They should think they owe, and I owe them and others and myself as well. I should keep trying hard, and so should my friend. I should relax and enjoy this amazing life, and these amazing people who are so brilliant, while they’re here.

I should stop using what I’m addicted to (My Brilliant Stories) and write them down and question them instead.
DOH!
I should understand how my thoughts are the things that hurt….and not even really those. I should stop being so hard on them, on me, on her, on him.
I shouldn’t do The Work on myself, as I’ve learned how it’s got this underlying motive that I need to change.
Or what the heck, maybe I SHOULD do The Work on myself, and see what happens with the critical voice that sees things so imperfectly sometimes, including me. See what’s left of it.

“The only time we suffer is when we believe a thought that argues with what is. When the mind is perfectly clear, what is, is what we want…….There is only one mind, and people are going to tell us what we haven’t dealt with yet in their own thinking.” ~ Byron Katie 

People are so dear, so adorable.

Aren’t we amazing, aren’t we all incredible in how sincerely we desire to be the best version of ourselves possible?

And I love and appreciate, bowing to the ground in gratitude, that this improvement is not all up to me.

Thank God, Thank God.

Much love, Grace

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Stories. They won’t go away, or change, until you tell them.

journal
First, write it down, then ask four questions, turn it around: a Revolution

People in my Eating Peace class are invited to keep a journal during the 3 months course together online.

Whenever I’ve taught this course, I suggest writing at least once a day, for five minutes if you can’t do anything more.

But it’s almost embarrassing….

I myself have been practically rebelling against journaling.

Again.

Even though, when I do it, it brings such clarity. As if I see the story I’m telling in vivid formation.

It has to come out into the open, when you write it down.

And sometimes….

….OK, maybe often….

….we humans hate this.

Can’t the thing that happened, or the meaning we’ve put to it, or the difficult incident, or the truly awful experience and the terrible accompanying thoughts….

….just GO AWAY?

I really do know better than to think something can “just go away”.

It doesn’t.

Even if it’s forgotten, it’s only buried and ready to crawl out of the grave at the perfect trigger moment, if you don’t look at it, share it (with yourself, with others) and question the story you’ve made from what you experienced.

Like, for example, holiday season.

People getting together, the weather and sky very dark, memories, hopes to gather, disappointments.

I suddenly realized the other day….

….after waking up with a terrible nightmare about being stuck in a weekend business mastermind conference that cost 5 million dollars….

….I not only need to slow down, I also need to go ahead and talk with myself.

By writing.

So even though part of me is complaining about it, I’m writing.

It’s astonishing the list of things I can find that feel upsetting.

  • I miss my mom who is traveling in Mexico with my aunt
  • I miss my dad who died 25 years ago and who would have been busy cooking for all the expected and invited guests
  • clients I’m working with feel the same awareness of holidays past and I hear their sadness and despair
  • I’m taking two trips in December and I’m nervous about both
  • my neck and hamstring injury site are hurting
  • I haven’t had a super close transformative conversation with my husband in quite awhile
  • I have two friends I feel distant towards and I notice I don’t write to them, or call them, because it might be hard or stir up feelings
In Brene Brown’s book Rising Strong, she talks about the arc of a story when someone “rises strong” and faces hurt in a way that brings more wisdom to life.

 

The Reckoning: get curious about your feelings, see how they connect to how you’re thinking and acting

 

The Rumble: own your story: get honest, then challenge your assumptions (gosh….that would be doing The Work!)

 

The Revolution: experience a new, braver story to change how we engage with the world and to ultimately transform the way we live

 

The act of simple writing of all your judgments, complaints, whining, stressful feelings allows you, allows me, to step on the path of this journey.

 

Without even starting there….

 

….I’m just a mish-mash of memories, pictures, sensations, feelings and disturbances.

 

Everything is unconscious, without having some way to look at it more slowly.

 

Writing seems to be the easiest way.

 

So today….

 

….give yourself the immense gift of journaling what’s going on inside that head of yours.

 

Yes, I know….it would be really fantastic if it would all just go away.

 

It would be great if we didn’t really have to feel the agony or pain of our stories, our memories, and drag through them again.

 

But it’s the only way I have ever found that they can get challenged, questioned, seen, digested.

 

It’s the only way I ever stopped “eating” over something, was to actually spend time with the “something”.

 

Then eating (or drinking, smoking, doing that escape thing) to shove it back underwater is of course no longer required, or even cared about, or in any way interesting.

Right after this, tonight, I’m going to write about the things I mentioned above that feel upsetting.

Will you join me?

Because only then can we begin to look, investigate, and have a rumble.

And only then can we experience the revolution that follows.

And THAT is a story I love.

Much love, Grace

 

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Eating Peace: A crazy strange idea (that works)–stop trying

Have you ever stopped to notice, that every single time you reach towards something when you feel uncomfortable….

….food, drink, smoke, internet, activity-you-promised-not-to-do….

….you’re trying to feel OK.

But you don’t feel OK.

You’re trying to.

So you put something in your mouth and eat it, and you forget about how you weren’t feeling OK for awhile.

You move on.

Other stuff happens.

Now, you’re drunk, or stuffed, or exhausted, or your money is gone, or you feel guilty, or you feel horrible pain.

That thing you didn’t feel OK about is long gone.

Now, you have worse problems you have to attend to, and work on, and self-hate to deal with on top.

What if….when you got the first inkling of Not-OK about anything, you didn’t try to get away from it or fix it or do something about it?

Believe me, I know it’s weird.

It’s not what is usually offered, or suggested, or what your mind will chatter away about with many possible ideas to solve the problem.

Not solving the problem is VERY strange for the mind.

But try it on. What if you didn’t try to be OK?

Stop Trying to be OK....see what happens
Stop Trying to be OK….see what happens

Peace,

Grace