You should do The Work on yourself

My 100th Podcast Episode. Peace Talk is a short (less than 10 minutes) talk about inner peace, in every situation. Thanks for listening. Keep writing with your topics and questions, I love hearing from you.

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thank you everyone for sharing your stressful thoughts, for they are mine, too, it turns out

“This is a LOT of work”said the handsome young man sitting on my couch.

Our session had just come to an end, after going into overtime.

He said it with a sigh and a slightly dejected sense of disappointment in his voice.

Like….dang it. 

I was hoping for a change of heart after this.

Immediately, I thought about how I could have used the session more productively by saying a little more about The Work in the first place, by explaining it better (not true).

What I had not known was he knew just about nothing about The Work, but was still somehow drawn to come see me.

He knew I once had a food thing of some kind.

He had a drinking and smoking thing.

I could see the pack of Camel Straights in his shirt pocket, the kind I used to smoke myself so many years ago.

He wanted it to be over.

He wanted it to be a thing that was No Longer A Thing.

Like that old terrible relationship you remember you once had, and it was violent and troubling, and now it’s been 20 years, or 2 years, and you actually kind of smile when you think of that person.

Addictive compulsive behavior is like this.

It’s so painful, so full of suffering and angst and self-hatred, that anyone experiencing even a little tiny bit of trancing into something addictive, whether a substance or a behavior, would think “this has to stop” when you snap out of the trance.

It doesn’t just stop though, right?

Nope.

Not if you want to skip over the part in which you discover what you’re thinking, believing and feeling that causes the unrest in the first place, that fuels the reaching for the thing that will help you forget awhile about your thoughts.

It also won’t stop if you persistently think you are alone AND you should be able to figure this out by yourself.

It won’t stop if you think you should pull it together and feel gratitude for how much you have (whats-wrong-with-you-anyway).

And it won’t stop if you HATE uncomfortable feelings, or feelings of terror and failure and vulnerability.

Because those feelings are what often happen right before you reach for the thing, so you’ll have to be with them.

This sweet man had emailed me before our first session and asked if he should fill out any forms beforehand, to save time, or do anything to prepare.

I sent him a Judge Your Neighbor worksheet and said he could spend time filling it out and to pick something other than himself.

Guess what he said as he sat down on my couch to begin the session?

“I couldn’t find anyone at all in my life I have trouble with, thank God. I have such an amazing life. I have so many people I love and who love me. I have it pretty good.”

Oh boy, here it comes I thought….

“It is me I have a problem with. Just me. So I answered the questions on this sheet about myself.”

So now today, instead of talking about how I found it so much easier to do The Work on the world, which turned out to Be Me anyway, and give you a suggestion on Not Doing It On Yourself…..

…..I’m going to do my own work.

Which is really the quickest, easiest, most productive, direct way.

And yes, it’s called The Work because it appears to require some time and attention and care.

But I really have no choice, because it’s either do this, or fuss internally and get irritated.

Maybe I stay irritated, maybe I fuss, but at least one way there’s a chance of rain.

Without questioning my thoughts….it’s a drought and maybe rain comes eventually, but who knows.

I’m in a hurry.

So here we go.

People should stop doing The Work on themselves!!

They should stop being so harsh and critical of themselves. They should join the human race and be normal mediocre humans. They shouldn’t think they owe a debt or are extra privileged and guilty, they shouldn’t try so hard, they should relax and enjoy this amazing life while they’re here.

If they’re addicted and they don’t want to be, they should f*%&ing stop using the thing they’re addicted to and WRITE DOWN THEIR THOUGHTS when they think “I have to smoke”.

They should understand that their thoughts and feelings are driving them crazy, not the substance. They should stop being so frightened, so discouraged, and so hard on themselves.

Let’s do The Work.

These people should stop insisting on doing The Work on themselves.

Is that true?

No.

How do I know?

It’s not happening.

Plus, I’ve watched concepts I’ve had about ME float through my consciousness, and been aware of questioning them, and how powerful it’s been.

I should have explained the process of self-inquiry using The Work much better to that new client…..is that true?

No. I didn’t.

How do I react when I believe people should stop doing The Work on themselves?

Irritated. Wanting to explain. Thinking that explanations would solve the problem.

Remembering my own life when I thought all it would take to be happy was me being different, doing therapy, me being strong, disciplined, full of willpower, determined, intentional, driven, clear.

With the thought, pictures of another friend pass through my mind.

A friend very, very determined to become enlightened.

I feel angry at her effort and her pushing, her bossy ways, her spouting off her opinions about other people and who is awake or not awake (ugh).

That same friend, I realize suddenly, sees herself in the same way this young man sees himself.

Not There Yet.

“I just need someone to kick my ass…” he said.

Really?

Pause.

Deep breath.

I got a little worked up there for a minute, reacting to the thought “people should stop doing The Work on themselves.” 

So who would I be without the thought?

Without any thought that they should be any different than they are, that they should think any differently about themselves, or stop being so harsh and critical and controlling.

Without the thought they should stop thinking they need their ass to be kicked?

What would that feel like, as I sit picturing them in this moment?

I see myself over there, in their shoes.

I see someone with a huge enormous heart, so big they don’t want to judge others or hurt others.

I see someone full of passion, someone wanting to give to the world, someone understandably tired of their own fears, worries, doubts and false stories.

I think of this young man, and my friend, and sense their discouragement.

I feel compassion without the belief they should be any different than they are, including self-critical.

I feel lightness, too.

If I just got here from another planet, without any thought that these humans should be less critical of themselves….

….I would notice that’s not reality here.

Without these thoughts….

….I’d facilitate this man on his belief that he just needs to get organized.

I turn it around: people should keep doing The Work on themselves.

I should not be so harsh and critical of them, or of me. I should join them, being a normal mediocre human rather than a know-it-all.

They should think they owe, and I owe them and others and myself as well. I should keep trying hard, and so should my friend. I should relax and enjoy this amazing life, and these amazing people who are so brilliant, while they’re here.

“The only time we suffer is when we believe a thought that argues with what is. When the mind is perfectly clear, what is, is what we want…….There is only one mind, and people are going to tell us what we haven’t dealt with yet in their own thinking.” ~ Byron Katie