Tag: doing the work on yourself

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You should do The Work on yourself

My 100th Podcast Episode. Peace Talk is a short (less than 10 minutes) talk about inner peace, in every situation. Thanks for listening. Keep writing with your topics and questions, I love hearing from you.

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thank you everyone for sharing your stressful thoughts, for they are mine, too, it turns out

“This is a LOT of work”said the handsome young man sitting on my couch.

Our session had just come to an end, after going into overtime.

He said it with a sigh and a slightly dejected sense of disappointment in his voice.

Like….dang it. 

I was hoping for a change of heart after this.

Immediately, I thought about how I could have used the session more productively by saying a little more about The Work in the first place, by explaining it better (not true).

What I had not known was he knew just about nothing about The Work, but was still somehow drawn to come see me.

He knew I once had a food thing of some kind.

He had a drinking and smoking thing.

I could see the pack of Camel Straights in his shirt pocket, the kind I used to smoke myself so many years ago.

He wanted it to be over.

He wanted it to be a thing that was No Longer A Thing.

Like that old terrible relationship you remember you once had, and it was violent and troubling, and now it’s been 20 years, or 2 years, and you actually kind of smile when you think of that person.

Addictive compulsive behavior is like this.

It’s so painful, so full of suffering and angst and self-hatred, that anyone experiencing even a little tiny bit of trancing into something addictive, whether a substance or a behavior, would think “this has to stop” when you snap out of the trance.

It doesn’t just stop though, right?

Nope.

Not if you want to skip over the part in which you discover what you’re thinking, believing and feeling that causes the unrest in the first place, that fuels the reaching for the thing that will help you forget awhile about your thoughts.

It also won’t stop if you persistently think you are alone AND you should be able to figure this out by yourself.

It won’t stop if you think you should pull it together and feel gratitude for how much you have (whats-wrong-with-you-anyway).

And it won’t stop if you HATE uncomfortable feelings, or feelings of terror and failure and vulnerability.

Because those feelings are what often happen right before you reach for the thing, so you’ll have to be with them.

This sweet man had emailed me before our first session and asked if he should fill out any forms beforehand, to save time, or do anything to prepare.

I sent him a Judge Your Neighbor worksheet and said he could spend time filling it out and to pick something other than himself.

Guess what he said as he sat down on my couch to begin the session?

“I couldn’t find anyone at all in my life I have trouble with, thank God. I have such an amazing life. I have so many people I love and who love me. I have it pretty good.”

Oh boy, here it comes I thought….

“It is me I have a problem with. Just me. So I answered the questions on this sheet about myself.”

So now today, instead of talking about how I found it so much easier to do The Work on the world, which turned out to Be Me anyway, and give you a suggestion on Not Doing It On Yourself…..

…..I’m going to do my own work.

Which is really the quickest, easiest, most productive, direct way.

And yes, it’s called The Work because it appears to require some time and attention and care.

But I really have no choice, because it’s either do this, or fuss internally and get irritated.

Maybe I stay irritated, maybe I fuss, but at least one way there’s a chance of rain.

Without questioning my thoughts….it’s a drought and maybe rain comes eventually, but who knows.

I’m in a hurry.

So here we go.

People should stop doing The Work on themselves!!

They should stop being so harsh and critical of themselves. They should join the human race and be normal mediocre humans. They shouldn’t think they owe a debt or are extra privileged and guilty, they shouldn’t try so hard, they should relax and enjoy this amazing life while they’re here.

If they’re addicted and they don’t want to be, they should f*%&ing stop using the thing they’re addicted to and WRITE DOWN THEIR THOUGHTS when they think “I have to smoke”.

They should understand that their thoughts and feelings are driving them crazy, not the substance. They should stop being so frightened, so discouraged, and so hard on themselves.

Let’s do The Work.

These people should stop insisting on doing The Work on themselves.

Is that true?

No.

How do I know?

It’s not happening.

Plus, I’ve watched concepts I’ve had about ME float through my consciousness, and been aware of questioning them, and how powerful it’s been.

I should have explained the process of self-inquiry using The Work much better to that new client…..is that true?

No. I didn’t.

How do I react when I believe people should stop doing The Work on themselves?

Irritated. Wanting to explain. Thinking that explanations would solve the problem.

Remembering my own life when I thought all it would take to be happy was me being different, doing therapy, me being strong, disciplined, full of willpower, determined, intentional, driven, clear.

With the thought, pictures of another friend pass through my mind.

A friend very, very determined to become enlightened.

I feel angry at her effort and her pushing, her bossy ways, her spouting off her opinions about other people and who is awake or not awake (ugh).

That same friend, I realize suddenly, sees herself in the same way this young man sees himself.

Not There Yet.

“I just need someone to kick my ass…” he said.

Really?

Pause.

Deep breath.

I got a little worked up there for a minute, reacting to the thought “people should stop doing The Work on themselves.” 

So who would I be without the thought?

Without any thought that they should be any different than they are, that they should think any differently about themselves, or stop being so harsh and critical and controlling.

Without the thought they should stop thinking they need their ass to be kicked?

What would that feel like, as I sit picturing them in this moment?

I see myself over there, in their shoes.

I see someone with a huge enormous heart, so big they don’t want to judge others or hurt others.

I see someone full of passion, someone wanting to give to the world, someone understandably tired of their own fears, worries, doubts and false stories.

I think of this young man, and my friend, and sense their discouragement.

I feel compassion without the belief they should be any different than they are, including self-critical.

I feel lightness, too.

If I just got here from another planet, without any thought that these humans should be less critical of themselves….

….I would notice that’s not reality here.

Without these thoughts….

….I’d facilitate this man on his belief that he just needs to get organized.

I turn it around: people should keep doing The Work on themselves.

I should not be so harsh and critical of them, or of me. I should join them, being a normal mediocre human rather than a know-it-all.

They should think they owe, and I owe them and others and myself as well. I should keep trying hard, and so should my friend. I should relax and enjoy this amazing life, and these amazing people who are so brilliant, while they’re here.

I should stop using what I’m addicted to (My Brilliant Stories) and write them down and question them instead.
DOH!
I should understand how my thoughts are the things that hurt….and not even really those. I should stop being so hard on them, on me, on her, on him.
I shouldn’t do The Work on myself, as I’ve learned how it’s got this underlying motive that I need to change.
Or what the heck, maybe I SHOULD do The Work on myself, and see what happens with the critical voice that sees things so imperfectly sometimes, including me. See what’s left of it.

“The only time we suffer is when we believe a thought that argues with what is. When the mind is perfectly clear, what is, is what we want…….There is only one mind, and people are going to tell us what we haven’t dealt with yet in their own thinking.” ~ Byron Katie 

People are so dear, so adorable.

Aren’t we amazing, aren’t we all incredible in how sincerely we desire to be the best version of ourselves possible?

And I love and appreciate, bowing to the ground in gratitude, that this improvement is not all up to me.

Thank God, Thank God.

Much love, Grace

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Take A Break From The Self-Critical Bull

Do you ever put yourself down?

Oh man.

In the past, I’ve easily heard come right out of my mouth little phrases said under my breath TO myself, like “you idiot, what the hell were you thinking?” or “come on, pull it together, it’s not that big a deal” or “what the f*&% is wrong with you?”

It’s no secret that we’re sometimes super crazy harsh with ourselves.

My harsh voice used to be really vicious.

Geneen Roth, one of my favorite authors and teachers of inner freedom from the turmoil of eating troubles, calls it The Voice.

Or maybe it was her friend (who I also adore) Annie Lamott, who is also a writer.

Annie once said that The Voice was like KFCK radio station.

Turned on, it spouts obscenities, mean phrases, attacks, sarcasm and criticism, all directed at YOU, that no friend who ever cared about you would EVER say.

Many people who come to work with me say they really don’t think that many mean things about other people….

….it’s this KFCK radio station that’s the worst, and they want to do The Work on themselves instead of others.

The weird thing is….over time, I began to understand why Byron Katie suggests not doing The Work on yourself and your thoughts about who you are….

….but instead, to just point your finger outward and rip someone else to shreds.

It’s because when you look at yourself, your observations and perceptions are so completely insane, it’s often hard to find clarity or to perceive what the truth actually is for you.

You are in the soup, with yourself, and you can’t really ask your own mind easily to find a genuinely neutral, open-minded answerer.

Sometimes, when you’re tempted do The Work on yourself, you have a big motive.

You’re hoping you’ll CHANGE.

If you hope someone changes when you do The Work, INCLUDING YOU, then you’re setting yourself up for big fat disappointment.

I know it’s kind of counter-intuitive….to actually investigate a belief system or way of looking at something inside you (or others) without a secret wish that they will change.

Why do The Work?! I mean seriously! You mean I just have to ACCEPT EVERYTHING?!

All those nasty and imperfect qualities?!

Impossible! NEVER! I will fight for improvement of the person who I am until the day I die!

But what if you dropped the thought that you are missing something, you need to change, you KNOW that the quality you’re objecting to is bad and needs to be eliminated?

I love telling people about a conversation I had with Byron Katie once.

I said I did The Work over and over again, on the same few people, and I was still really freakin’ angry!

She replied “How do you know you’re supposed to be angry? YOU ARE!”

Oh! Huh.

Then it dawned on me how much I tried to be a never-angry person.

No wonder I used to eat food and throw up sometimes long ago, or run five miles super hard, or work overtime. My anger was getting trapped in an inner explosion in my stomach.

It didn’t mean it was time for me to start yelling at everyone else, instead of yelling at myself….that doesn’t feel good either (and I already did that, anyway, on the inside).

But just acknowledging the quality I disliked, and seeing how human I was, what a relief! I started to have an attitude of being open to how much it benefitted me to experience the quality of anger….or any other objectional quality, for that matter.

Anger was powerful, zesty, fervent, intense, passionate, exciting!

Who would you be without the belief that you should change?

It’s a seriously new thought for some people. They may have had the thought they should change since age three.

“As my mother used to say, “You’re like a bull in a china shop.” Did you ever hear that? If you let your mind imagine a bull getting loose in a china shop, that’s how the me is. It’s knocking things over, things like the most precious china. With a whisk of its tail, there goes . . . grandma’s four-generation-old antique china cups! Boom-they’re gone. When your me is operating, it’s like that bull. It tends to make a lot of noise because it’s always in a slightly adversarial relationship with its moment. It produces noisy thoughts, feelings, beliefs, or opinions. It also likes to search, moving its head around, scanning for the right emotion in the body, scanning through the mind for the right concept…Inside, there is something that is not creating nearly as much noise as the me. This something else, this openness, this awakeness, is not searching for the next moment or scanning for the right emotion or experience. You can get the sense of it now.” ~ Adyashanti

Right now. No scanning for what’s wrong. No criticism.

Just wait, and feel it.

If that feels hard to do, don’t worry. Even that is OK.

Much Love,  Grace