Teaching Eating Peace Retreat recently in California was magnificent.
I always love who appears to share the freedom of slowing down, stopping, holding still on a moment and identifying the thoughts that come alive in the presence of food.
Memories from the past, the people who raised us, the experience of being with food and eating it can all be present in this moment now, when we’re eating.
Together, we went back and looked at situations and our history, and at what we projected into the future that might happen that seemed scary.
If you’re wondering how to do this….today I’m sharing my January Eating Peace talk from the Institute for The Work convention (Byron Katie and certified facilitators in the audience). I didn’t know it would be filmed when I was there, but so honored it was and so happy to share it with you now.
This is the way to begin to understand and end your experience of eating off-balance.
Knowing you can discover peace with everything, including food and your body.
While on retreat here with a beautiful assembly of those who have shown up to be together these three days, I’m struck by a thought someone mentioned our first day together.
I can’t eat whatever I want.
This tantrum shows up in so much more than food and eating.
I can’t DO whatever I want. I can’t BUY whatever I want. I can’t SEE whatever I want. I can’t TAKE whatever I want. I can’t HAVE whatever I want.
It’s like a deep cry of feeling limited, enraged, locked in by the circumstances of life or reality.
When we do it anyway, eat anyway, take anyway….even though there are consequences we don’t like….
….we may “win” just for a moment, but then we lose.
The frustration and fury and guilt gets ramped up even higher.
Yesterday, as our retreat group investigated together, someone became aware of a beautiful distinction I’ve heard before.
The body “can’t” eat everything….it’s the mind that wants to, and can.
What if you rested there?
What if, instead of following, like a zombie, the demands of mind saying you MUST eat, drink, do, have, see, take….even if there are horrible consequences (like being overweight, or going to jail, or harming something, or feeling ashamed)….
….you went ahead and let the mind have a hissy fit, and you let it run wild with imagination having everything it wants all by itself without dragging the body along?
Instead of saying “NO, don’t think about that!!” to yourself, in terror, what if you treated your thoughts like they were there for a reason, and doing the best they can (like a toddler)?
Everyone had a laugh imagining the mind getting to eat the entire box of cookies, or taking one bite of everything on display, or wolfing down the entire extra large chocolate bar.
Later as we walked around a nearby lake, in silence, as a part of a contemplative exercise during retreat, we took the question with us on our walk: who would you be, walking this path, without the belief you have an eating problem?
Who would we be, without the belief “I can’t have what I want, in this moment and it’s HORRIBLE!!?”
I notice, in this morning moment squares of bright sunlight shining through a curtain, on an avocado green wall. I hear the sound of air blowing through a vent. I see a dark magenta colored tassel hanging from a silver doorknob.
I feel the joy of the sweet day ahead in sharing with others the preciousness of inquiry, and my notes and curriculum on this little laptop.
Turning the thought around: I can have what I want, in this moment.
Could what is happening right now be good enough? Could what is present be supporting you? What if everything you ever thought you couldn’t get or have or eat or feel or be…..was available?
Is what I thought I wanted really the thing I want?
All I know is….all those times I ate and ate and ate actual food, it was never what I really wanted. I never felt satisfied, or happy, or thrilled, or joyful. It was never enough, it never hit the spot. It felt like “almost but not quite” or wildly far, to be honest, from what I really wanted.
What I really wanted was to feel “enough” and at the same time feel excited about what was unfolding….because life was indeed unfolding, constantly.
Even if this moment is filled with thoughts of “I can’t”….the body doesn’t have to take action.
I hear the words “Is It True?” and allow inquiry to fall into this moment, too.
What if I really did not know what I can or can’t have, or do, or say, or be? What if I have no clue? What if nothing is required, for this moment to be OK? What if “I can’t” is hilarious instead of hellish and frustrating? What if I can?
What if it doesn’t really ultimately matter, and I knew peace and joy were possible no matter what?
What if you left all your notions of what’s missing behind, if you left all your beliefs behind, like all these beautiful retreat attendees do at every meal, as we do The Work together on stressful beliefs like“I can’t….”?
So touched by my latest Peace Talk conversation with Debra Wilkinson, awakened and bright (and free from nutty eating, a freedom we share).
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eating peace
Next week I’m off to California to teach Eating Peace near Oakland, starting Friday 9:30 am. Join me if what you really want is to understand what makes you eat (or think) out-of-balance without trying to destroy your cravings, or yourself, on the way.
Why do I mention this idea about destroying cravings?
Well…..isn’t it what we’ve all wished for, or tried to do, unsuccessfully? The cravings sure don’t have to be about food. they can be for anything.
We wish we’d stop wanting or thinking about “x”, we go to war and try to kill the craving for “x”, but the image or desire for “x” keeps returning.
I got to work with a lovely inquirer just yesterday, on her cravings for potato chips. This is not the first time someone has come to a session to inquire on craving, specifically, potato chips.
But you can do this on anything: chocolate, sugar, tobacco, alcohol, sex, gambling, cleaning, internetting, working, exercising, wealth.
The feeling is “I have to do this”.
You won’t feel settled, calm, and relaxed until you get or do this thing.
I often found inside myself that this deep craving, and the activity of pursuing it and feeding it (literally, for me) was my reaction to a belief.
If you have NO IDEA what belief you’re thinking that would drive you to ingest something or do something whacked like spend $1000 on credit cards you don’t have, then take a moment to do this exercise. The inquirer working on her craving for potato chips did this with me yesterday.
Invite the craving to take a physical shape and form, like a person.
What does this being look like?
Did you hear the knock on the door? Say “come in” for once, instead of “get lost you creep!”
Have them sit down with you, like you’re doing a therapy session with them, or a special heart-to-heart conversation, or a mediated talk.
Tell the craving you’re sorry you’ve been trying to kill them all these years, and now….you’re willing to listen.
Get out your notebook, like you’re an amazing world famous journalist, and start writing.
What color is this craving? Where does it sit, in relation to you (and especially when it was around and you wound up getting overwhelmed by it)? What is its temperature? What shape is it? Where is it moving? What does it remind you of?
If this craving had a voice, what would it tell you?
Ask it why it’s here? What’s it trying to help you avoid? What’s it trying to help you get, that you think is missing right now?
When you think about the last time this craving visited you, what else were you upset about, or worried about, or thinking about….that the craving needed to come visit?
What do you believe, if anything, that you can’t handle? What do you believe is really honestly missing, in that moment where you needed to do something, or eat something?
What was wrong with that moment, that getting this thing or doing this activity would soothe?
These are some very powerful questions.
Questions that help you get curious about what’s going on, instead of remain at war.
Because what I do know about war with reality is, you lose.
And craving/grabbing/reaching/wanting is a part of your reality, right?
“Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy–the experiences that make us the most vulnerable. Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.”
~ Brene Brown
No, this is not about giving in to your cravings and gobbling everything in sight for the rest of your life.
It’s the opposite.
This is about dealing with them once and for all.
It’s not easy, but discovering the infinite power of your light is no small thing.
What are you without the belief you’ve made a mistake, done it wrong, or that you’re bad?
“If I had derived my identity from what the world was telling me, or what my mind used to tell me, I would have been a total failure. Then…a total success.”
I had to chuckle while listening to the brilliant Eckhart Tolle as he said these words, describing himself first at age 50 and then a few years later, after his book the Power of Now had swept the world and become a best seller.
He was talking about this Self, whatever he apparently was (which he no longer believed anyway).
For most of us, we have moments of feeling like failures, or successes, and everything in between.
Have you ever felt like you failed with a partner? Failed with your kid? Failed in “x” area?
(I often hear about failure from people who have struggled with addictions–someone just wrote to me this morning, for example, pleading for help with her eating disorder).
My heart goes out to people when they feel this self-criticism and negativity, this torture about being who they are.
I am bad.
I know it’s hard to do The Work on ourselves, but let’s look today….it’s what appears today for inquiry!
If I really ask myself about this idea of being bad, whether I am bad or someone else is bad, I notice I have this equal and opposite urge to move into the idea “no you aren’t, stop thinking that, you’re good, it’s OK” and wanting to soothe.
Both sides of that BAD coin don’t really feel that great, though. Not thinking you’re bad, not thinking you need soothing and fixing.
Not if YOU are the bad one/failing one….or if someone ELSE is the bad one/failing one.
So let’s take a look.
I am bad, a failure.…(here’s my proof: I’m acting too negative, I’m co-dependent, thinking about “x” too much, Not Present, not being the perfect spiritual person, too critical, a procrastinator, not organized enough, not living up to my fullest potential, didn’t make enough money, didn’t plan well, not succeeding, mediocre, eating ice cream, drinking coffee, watching netflix, etc, etc, etc).
You’ve got your thing you’re failing at, right?
Bad Job.
Is it true?
Well…..yeah.
I mean, look at her, him, them. Do you see those people? Those are SUCCESSFUL people.
Now look at me. See what I mean? I’ve had a whole lifetime and my sisters are doing “x” and I have a midget-sized house and I never get my book done and there are all these incredible people making a million dollars (not me) and I never learned a second language and I haven’t done a Ted Talk and…..
You get the idea.
You may notice you have moments in time where the way you spoke with someone, you considered “bad” or “failure”.
But are you sure it’s absolutely true that YOU are bad, wrong, a failure in that situation?
Who is the You who is answering this question?
Who is the You who you’re looking at, the bad one? Where is this person? Where is this person right NOW?
How do you react when you believe the thought you’re bad, wrong, you failed?
I don’t know about you…..but it’s a dark, cold, sinking, thick feeling.
I can hear it when I’m facilitating people who have this thought. They report that they feel sick when they believe this thought, or depressed. Or, like the person who wrote to me today….they’re frantic, desperate, suicidal.
Now, pause.
Who would you be without your thought that you are bad, you did it wrong, you failed?
Yes….as you watch yourself and your mind fill with images of the past and the mistakes, and images of the future you’re worried will happen….
….who would you be, even if you’ve got pictures running through your head, or voices chattering on the inside….
….who would you be WITHOUT believing this thought?
Just hold still for a minute.
What is happening right now, without any idea that you’ve done something wrong, or anything bad, or bad-ness is part of you or what you are in some situation?
You might still feel some feelings, like sadness, or very afraid, or nervous, or dull, jumpy, thick.
You feel how the energy is moving and where it floats and what happens to it, without the thoughts you’re bad. Close your eyes and feel it, feel everything here now.
Do you feel it? Just the sense of pulsing, and being alive, and what it’s like to not be so sure of your mental evaluations of yourself?
What if you just did not know what was true about “you”?
Kinda funny. Makes me smile, actually.
Can you turn this belief around to the opposite?
I am not bad. I am good. I am ____. I am.
Ooohhh.
“The body reacts to your mind. The body believes your thoughts to be real. Mind patterns often create fear. The thought creates the emotion because you’re totally identified with the thought. The body responds as if the thought is reality. The body can’t tell the difference, what you think affects the body. By seeing thought as untrue is the only way to become free. You can only see it as untrue with awareness. Without awareness, the thought swallows up your entire consciousness. Simply allow everything to be here. Allow the feeling to be here. Without feeling you shouldn’t feel it either. Allowing it….brings awareness.” ~ Eckhart Tolle
I notice the sense of “bad” or “good” is ever-changing, coming and going, here then not here.
In the latest Eating Peace notes and videos, I’ve been suggesting you talk to the parts of yourself that want to overeat, graze eat, obsess about being perfect with food, or see your body as ugly.
Those voices are rough, I know.
They feel rude, nasty, frightening and like the kind of guests you’d call the police on.
But I got quite a few questions about HOW to talk to them. I mean….they’re pretty freaky, right?
With eating, people can get particularly mean to themselves.
Ugh.
“You’ll never amount to anything. Look at you, stuffing your face again. Have you no pride, or willpower? You’ll never be thin. You’ll never get this handled. You’ll never get past this. What’s wrong with you? You ate that….again?!”
When this kind of aggression is directed towards yourself on the inside, it doesn’t exactly feel easy to do positive affirmations, look on the bright side, or turn your mean thoughts off (as if you had any great personal control over them).
Step One, (you may have noticed from other posts I’ve written), is to allow that voice to stay in the room.
Let it be there. Don’t fight it. You’ll never win!
Step Two, ask the voice a few very powerful, very pointed questions.
Watch here to see how I’ve worked with The Voice. If you do these exercises, let me know how it goes!
HOW to talk to the crazy voice that wants to eat (when you are not hungry)
“Ending addictions has nothing to do with getting rid of cravings. It’s about seeing cravings for what they are and deeply allowing the to be there. Yes, in the end, this freedom is even there in not getting what you want. This realization challenges all conventional wisdom, goes against much of our conditioning, and isn’t taught in any positive-thinking or self-help books….When you discover who you really are, you’re free whether you get what you want or not.” ~ Jeff Foster in The Deepest Acceptance
On April 15-17 I’ll be traveling to Newark, California to offer my three day Eating Peace Retreat. People who take this program report finding deep awareness and freedom from compulsion through truly communicating with themselves, including their inner eater. I’m here to help you do that. Join me (we’re in a private home, still a few spaces left). Click HERE to read more, and register.
Trying to control your thoughts? Welcome to crazyville.
I’ve received quite a few requests from folks who really wanted to listen to the Replay of Monday’s webinar about “Control” when it comes to compulsion (specifically with eating).
Click here to watch the webinar slide show to understand moving out of trying to control yourself or your feelings, and investigate them instead. A whole new world. The Q & A at the end I found wonderful, too, including wanting to control kids’ eating, and what to do if you feel you really can’t stop. Enjoy, and write to me and let me know what’s helpful that you learn.
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Speaking of CONTROL.
Control is a topic of interest to everyone…..whether you grapple with it, or not.
Not just for people who’ve experienced wild out-of-control episodes of consuming, drinking, or doing some kind of intense behavior like trying to have sex with as many people as possible or eating everything in your kitchen from one end to the other.
The energy of “bingeing” is not limited to eating, that’s for sure.
But eating seems like one of the most socially acceptable, pervasive, constantly available compulsive behaviors around.
Even kids do it (unlike a lot of the other addictive behaviors), especially kids challenged with tough emotional experiences, anxiety, or confusion.
When we talk about “control” there’s ONE area probably 99.9 % of us have felt Out-Of-Control in.
Thinking.
And yet, we try so hard to control it.
We have beliefs like “I need to fix my thinking” or “I’m being to negative” or “I’ve got to stop obsessing about x, y or z”.
Over a decade ago, I went on my first “silent” retreat.
I put the word “silent” in quotations because….
….even though the room was quiet with 200+ people sitting with their eyes closed, even though there was no talking while standing in line for meals, or eating meals, even though there was no gesturing or writing notes or looking into other peoples’ eyes, and there was literally nothing to “do” except be in one of three places all day (meditation hall, dining hall, sleeping room)….
….it seemed like it was the loudest retreat I had ever been on in my life.
INSIDE MY HEAD!!
And I mean, it was a scream of immense suffering that I almost didn’t know where it came from or what it was all about.
Something seemed horrified at my thinking, and how out of controlit actually was, and how mean and bitter and negative and alarmed.
I had been trying to fix my thinking for years, and here it was right in my face.
I couldn’t sleep most nights during that retreat, my brain was talking so loudly.
The second night of trying, I got up with my tiny flashlight so as not to disturb the other women all lined up on cots sleeping in the pitch dark of a mountain retreat with no moon.
I’ll start walking. That’s it. I can’t lie still here anymore. I love the trails here. It will be brilliant to be out at sunrise.
I pulled on my socks and shoes, my sweater and jacket. This was northern California and very chilly up in the mountains. I had put my phone away so I had no idea what time it was (no checking emails, no looking at facebook, no contact with the internet. On purpose).
Very softly and slowly, I made my way out of the full room of sleeping sounds, and into the dimly lit foyer, past a reception sort-of open area and towards the bathroom that lit up suddenly making my eyes squint and blink when I entered.
Then, I saw the clock on the wall.
2:33 AM.
Seriously???!!!
As if to check, and make sure the clock was correct….
….I went all the way down the corridor, past the meditation hall, and out of the building and looked out into the night. Pitch dark.
I can’t even go on a f*&ing WALK!! Hell runneth over!!
That was my Shakespeare drama moment. I was fully and completely believing there was danger lurking and this was a TERRIBLE situation.
Even though I was surrounded by amazing people, listening to the beloved and wise author and spiritual teacher Adyashanti twice a day, I could ask a formal question if I wanted to, and basically there was NOTHING I “had” to do.
Food was prepared for me, the gong rang to call people to the hall. A fabulous bed was all mine. I was warm, and clothed.
I came here for this? I thought.
This is insanity! I can’t stand it! Get me outta here! My mind is simply too whacked to do this. I give up. I’m never doing this again. Only 5 more days. I’ll just get through it and go home, never to return. Impossible. Ridiculous. I can’t.
I truly felt like I was trapped in a room for a week with a maniac.
But little did I know, it was this voice that had been waiting desperately for the opportunity to talk with me. She/He (a sort of weird non-gendered monster) had been sitting in the corner waiting for me to stop “doing” stuff constantly for years.
In my twenties, I had eaten instead of listen to that horrible maniac. I had smoked and planned my life and worked and tried to control things and probably most especially that voice. I had spent a whole lot of energy focused on making sure I never, ever, ever was stuck in the same room with this maniac mind for more than one minute. I kept moving.
Why didn’t I remember that before I signed up for this retreat?
Well. Good question.
The reason I was there is because I had done lots of self-inquiry, The Work of Byron Katie, for a couple of years at that point.
And something within me had changed.
I was not so frantic, not so unwilling, and not so convinced that I was insane (or going there) and broken. I had gotten the feel of being something other than my mind itself. I didn’t have answers, but I was definitely calmer at the core.
I had seen by then that my thoughts were not necessarily True. It took a bit of inquiry to see this. There was no “convincing” that they were not true, only willingness to sit still and slowly look at the beliefs running through my mind (maybe for many years) that made me feel awful, and frightened, and like running for my life.
Fortunately, it was only the second day of the retreat.
The next day, I raised my hand to speak.
It was either than, or bolt.
Instead of speaking from the voice that tries to get everything in order, present well, be acceptable, and hold the Maniac Voice underwater until it drowns (which it unfortunately never did)….
….I spoke about my inner torture where I just felt like crawling out of my skin, and like the world was a dangerous place, and I was nuts.
The first step of The Work is expressing what you’re actually thinking that hurts. It’s identifying the beliefs of horror, of pain, of wondering why this world (or you) are so messed up, of despair.
Writing these thoughts down helps so much, because slowing down rather than speeding up is one of the most wondrous and weird keys to freedom (I’d let you know if I had discovered a faster way, believe me).
When I went up to the microphone, I called my thinking a cesspool. “It’s a cesspool in here” I said, pointing to my own head.
And here’s what happened that was unexpected, for the voice, and yet….not so unexpected at all, really.
People nodded, smiled, laughed. Adya basically said in his own more eloquent words: Oh, yeah. I get it. Been there. Done that.
You mean?
I’m not extra special crazy? I’m not hopeless?
No.
THINKING your way out of this predicament of being alive, and having to have things go well and favorably, is hopeless.
THINKING your way out of suffering is….not possible, it seems.
Just look around. It’s in the newspapers. Horrible things happen. It’s tragic. It’s absolutely awful. It’s a deep cry of wailing and sobbing and shock and sadness that’s unbearable for the mind.
But what I notice is, I am alive, even though I’ve seen horrible things (and they haven’t been so horrible compared to what some people have experienced, but it doesn’t matter).
So something here IS surviving. Life still is alive. Something is even present here that is NOT noisy. The mind might be shouting for attention, and shouting for you to watch out around every sharp corner (it loves to think everything’s a sharp corner on a mountain pass going 120 miles per hour).
But do you feel what is here, now, hearing the Maniac? I know the listener in us seems awfully quiet. So quiet it’s imperceptible. I sometimes can’t feel or hear the “listener” at all–I’m just like you.
But I know it’s there, because as soon as I stopped trying to run away from all that noise, the most wonderful feeling of relief poured through me.
And I slept all night long in my little sleeping cot at the retreat.
Question the thought: this world is horrible, hell, dangerous and insane.
Is it true?
Who would you be without that thought?
Turn it around: My thoughts are horrible, hell, dangerous and insane. This world is beautiful, heaven, safe and sane.
I notice, I can find many examples.
“….Nothing could be worse than trying to control what can’t be controlled. If you want real control, drop the illusion of control. Let life live you. It does anyway. You’re just telling the story about how it doesn’t, and that’s a story that can never be real. You didn’t make the rain or the sun or the moon. You have no control over your lungs or your heart or your vision or your breath. One minute you’re fine and healthy, the next minute you’re not. When you try to be safe, you live your life being very, very careful, and you may wind up having no life at all.” ~ Byron Katie in 1000 Names For Joy
When I tried to be safe, and careful, and full of warning screams within, I wound up binge eating.
I didn’t have a life. At all.
I just thought I did.
Much love,
Grace
P.S. Again, here’s the replay for the Eating Peace webinar on having your needs met without control when it comes to eating. And if you want to join me for a deeper Eating Peace online mini retreat on Saturday (limited to 10) then click HERE to learn more and sign up.
I am sooooo thrilled to be featured on Women For One.
This beautiful and far-reaching organization is a global community of women sharing their truth, stories, and inspiring action and transformation. Featured TruthTellers on the site are Maya Angelou, Marianne Williamson, Marie Forleo and Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor.
Recently, the founder Kelly interviewed Byron Katie. Kelly founded Women for One in 2011 and I love her tagline “permission to be real, granted”.
So now, I’m a “TruthTeller” on Women For One, too!
So deeply honored to be among such amazing women.
I would be so grateful if you headed over to the article I wrote, and leave a comment below the article there.
Click HERE to read my article. If you’re moved to comment, lovely. If you’re moved to share the article with family and friends, thank you ever so much. It so helps to spread the message of peace that’s possible for us all.
Anger turned inward feels very depressing. You can explore your thoughts, even the ones against yourself, with The Work.
“Oh Grace….I feel so horrible today, my eyes are bloodshot, I look in the mirror and feel worried about aging, and I feel fat. I know it’s so stupid.”
One of my dearest friends, who is an amazing, loving woman, also in her fifties like me and in unbelievable physical condition (a former professional athlete) left this message on my voicemail.
She’s going through a super rough transition with her long-term partner and needs a job.
I felt touched that she could say this out loud, actually admitting these kinds of troubled self-criticisms.
Because often what happens with our inner world, is we are so tormented and in turmoil by our emotional life, and feeling scared, that we’ll begin to turn on ourselves just to let off the fire of energy somehow.
Kind of like the way a bottle of fizzy water all shaken up explodes when you pop the cap off.
All over yourself.
I remember someone sharing a story once.
A dog had been hit by a car and was dying.
The owner ran into the street, heart racing and tears choking, and the dog, lying with a broken body, bit his beloved owner.
It’s a sort of strange, natural reaction sometimes to lunge out and hurt the one you love most–even if it’s YOU.
My dear friend doesn’t have any issues with food….her compulsive patterns used to show up in other ways around drugs and alcohol and smoking and she’s been sober and clean of all that for many years now.
But even those of us who don’t go to extremes with any substances, or with food, can have a stream of thinking and feeling where anger, confusion, fear and upset are directed like knives or sharp slaps towards ourselves.
What I like to remember is, it’s energy wanting to move somewhere.
It’s the reaction to stressful thinking. We feel bad. We feel desperate, or so worried.
Good time to remember to do this one part of inquiry, if it’s hard to remember to do it all (and I encourage you to call the Help Line or get someone to facilitate you if you can)….
….and this one part of self inquiry IS….
….notice the worst thought that you’re thinking.
Just that one.
I know you may have a whole pile of them. They seem to multiply fast and have babies and one piece of criticism turns into being critical of so much more.
But find ONE difficult thought, a basic core repetitive idea running through your mind.
My friend’s was “I can’t do this.”
I’ve had the same thought.
So deflating, depressing, sad, despairing.
But what you can do once you see and feel the thought permeating you, is to question.
We’re not trying to fix it, or destroy it, or even change it.
Only to see what the truth really is.
Is it true you can’t do what appears to be required?
Are you sure?
Write down your answers, get the journal out.
How do you react when you have this thought running through your head, that you can’t…..
I personally want to cry.
I might snap at others, or make general statements about life or the world and how dumb this all is, or those other people, or the state of affairs in politics.
Nice big general grand statements of YUCK.
But who would you be without your belief, if you couldn’t have this thought running in your mind?
If suddenly, you weren’t ABLE to think “I can’t”.
This is a powerful practice.
Sometimes it takes awhile to imagine. I like noticing that the tree doesn’t think it can’t, the table I’m sitting at while writing doesn’t think it can’t, this laptop doesn’t think it can’t, and this morning I myself didn’t think I can’t get up to go to the bathroom–I just did it.
So I know what it’s like to NOT have the thought that I can’t.
Now apply that same feeling to this situation, where you think you can’t.
What would it be like?
What would you sit like, walk like, breathe like, talk like?
This isn’t about forcing yourself to do anything, either, it’s really just noticing what it would be like to not have the belief “I can’t” in this moment in time.
THEN….turn the thought around to the opposite, just to try on every angle, every possibility. It’s opening up your view and your perspective to include ALL things in duality….can and can’t.
I can.
How could this be just as true, or truer?
Turned around again: My thinking can’t.
Yes, my thinking can’t get me a job, bring me peace, allow me to relax, get me more money. Movement, action, motion is what will bring me any of this.
But I can question my stressful thinking, and open up to the exciting turnarounds, and the bigger space of thinking something like “I can” and finding examples of how this can actually be true then brings new movement, new action, new motion, new ways of being.
Think – Feel – Act – Have.
The process of creation.
So let’s begin by looking at what we think clearly.
At least when I look, I see what is NOT true, and it becomes so much easier to see what is.
TA: I can eat normally, I can feel peaceful today, I can find a new job, I can spend time with people, I can take care of myself, I can feel beautiful, I can love my body, I can move away from things I don’t really want (food, boyfriend, substances, activities), I can say no, I can say yes, I can move slowly, I can live, I can be a human being in all my imperfect glory, I can speak up, I can stay quiet, I can do what seems right in this moment, and do something else tomorrow.
If you’d like to do the deep research, practice, wondering and exploration when it comes to the basics around EATING….
….I’m opening up a new Eating Peace Core Teleclass six week program, as a foundation for doing your ongoing work on emotional and compulsive eating.
We begin Friday March 4th from 2:00 – 3:30 pm Pacific Time. All audio (no video). Join from anywhere in the world with skype.
If it’s time to dive into The Work and Eating….I’d love to have you.
Click HERE for all the information and to register.
“I did The Work because I was in a hurry.” ~ Byron Katie
Big peace,
Grace
P.S. If you prefer in-person immersion learning, join me for the Eating Peace Retreat in Newark, California April 15-17 in six weeks. Everyone who enrolls in the telecourse can register for the April retreat for a special gift rate of $297 (instead of $347).
Silly mind….you’re not as good at playing the trumpet as you think!
What a goof ball the mind can be.
Remember yesterday, sooooo many hours ago, and how I did The Work on how totally boring life can be sometimes?
Ha ha. Not really true.
But you would think, in the midst of inquiry about quiet, repetitive, empty moments of time and the nature of boredom, it would be easy to remember that in less than two days, I’d be walking the streets of New York.
Mid-stride, with a huge smile on my face, drinking in the dark, windy streets full of noises, people, lights coming from small passageways into warm cozy hole-in-the-wall restaurants, art galleries, and shops….
….I suddenly thought to myself, “Jeez, look at this amazing life. I get on an airplane, I sit down for five hours, I run into a friend on the same airplane from Seattle, we travel into New York City on the train together, and the entire journey is spectacular, new, fun, joyful, restful (I slept for part of the plane ride) and my eyes can’t stop taking in this delicious world.”
If you’re bored, just wait awhile.
If you’re sad, just wait awhile.
If you’re angry, just wait awhile.
Here comes another day, another hour, another new moment.
This one.
The complaining mind is so funny, isn’t it?
It’s like a little wind up puppet with a trumpet, and it loves to play that trumpet really loud sometimes!!
We start listening to the horn blow, completely forgetting it’s not that harmonious, and not very good technique, and kind of random.
In fact, it’s terrible.
What if we just looked at our inner complainer like a kind of “off” guy in the alley delightedly playing a trumpet?
Maybe someone with a few cards short of a full deck, if you know what I mean.
Kind of a dim bulb. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer. Someone with only one oar in the water, if you catch my drift.
As in…..did you remember, the other day when you thought life was boring….but actually you were soon to depart for New York City?
Oh. That was me.
Now. I know this is pretty incredible to be able to take a trip and travel and have the world show up as so very very entertaining.
But I am talking about so much more than the huge privilege of physical adventure.
I’m talking about the very funny way our perceptions are soooo clouded by the moment.
Dang. Just so sure what’s happening is TRUE, it feels like being completely immersed in the emotion and the experience….
….and it will Never End.
But it will. It can. Any minute now. It does.
“Do you have the patience to wait till your mud settles and the water is clear? Can you remain unmoving till the right action arises by itself?” ~ Tao Te Ching #15
Much love, Grace
P.S. If you want to question your wants about the future that appear favorable….the ones you cross your fingers for, pray for, hope for, come inquire and open to peace, now (not just later): Abundance, Desire and The Work Weekend. March 18-20. Friday evening, Saturday and Sunday. $295.
PLUS Special gift early-bird registration for the spring retreat (all rooms are now sold out, but commuters are welcome) for May 13-15. $325 for three full days of The Work: Question your thinking, change your life.
I’m excited because people are signing up for the new retreat I’m offering March 25-27 in north Seattle on Abundance, Desire and The Work.
I notice is everyone signed up so far has already done a retreat with me in the past.
Which is awesome of course….I love each and every person I get to spend time with and when they return to dive into more of their own work, it’s such an honor to witness.
But if you don’t know me particularly, or even if you DO….
….you might be wondering….
….what is Grace talking about with this Abundance and Desire topic?
The sub-title of the retreat is: Doing The Work on What Keeps Us From What We Really Want–Reality, Now!
But aren’t abundance and desire fun?
Of course they are!
However.
I saw within myself such disappointment, discouragement, unworthiness, sadness and suffering when I didn’t get what I secretly wanted.
I wanted to understand the feeling of being, acting, moving, living and seeing what would happen if I wasn’t motivated by the future, but instead by the present.
We all have visions of what we desire.
Our dreams, goals, wishes, longings.
If only it were like THAT….I would be happy.
OK, maybe I can’t realistically know I’d be happy. But I’m absolutely positive I’d be happier.
How could I not be just a little bit happier if I got that thing I’m dreaming of?
I mean, this is a no-brainer, right?
I dream of more money, I dream of the beautiful soul mate, I dream of being in relationship with “x”, I dream of being addiction-free, I dream of being enlightened, I dream of adventure, joy, bliss, peace, self-realization, adventure, seeing the world, health, happiness.
Maybe I don’t know what it’s really like until I get there, but heck I really, really, really am positive it’s going to be good.
It’s got to be better than this.
Right now I happen to be in the middle of the Money telecourse I teach once or twice a year. The participants are truly amazing at seeing clearly how much they want more money, how sure that money represents safety, ease, independence, power or freedom.
I get it.
I feel like if I won the lottery this afternoon, I’d jump up and down and feel so excited and start planning my trip to Turkey immediately. And buy my new Prius. And update the scratched up floors in my house and fix up the garage.
I have all these personal all-about-me kinds of fun ideas and visions come into my mind.
It gets extended beyond only me, too. I feel altruistic. I’d open a hospice center, I’d open an inpatient treatment center using The Work to address emotional eating, I’d plant trees in my neighborhood where they chopped the diseased ones down.
A man I know longs for a committed partner and everyone thinks he’s a catch. He’d love a companion on this life adventure.
He wants what so many people want….tender conversations, inside jokes, intimate touch, support in hard times.
Another student of mine wants youth and health. She’s on a mission to find healing from her disease and spending all her life savings to rock bottom to live longer than anticipated.
So understandable, and so honestly human.
Nothing wrong with any of these desires and wants.
Except.
Have you noticed how you treat this present moment, when you want something different than what’s happening?
Brushing through this and flipping through to the turnaround really speedy and lightly isn’t going to generally feel very clear, easy and peaceful.
For some reason, quickly doing a more positive thinking process goes like this: “Oh yeah, I forgot….I’m gonna concentrate only on loving what is. Doing it! Rock on!!”
Maybe sometimes this actually “works” to move our minds into a different way of perceiving by jumping to the opposite. But usually, my mind then once again returns to the wishing, slowly but surely….
….unless I do The Work.
Unless I really, really take a look at what is Now and what is Desired and investigate closely to see what’s true, for me, genuinely and honestly.
So let’s say you want ______.
You know what it is.
Admit it. You don’t have to tell anyone.
It’s OK if it’s money. Again.
But maybe it’s something else.
The most important thing I’ve found to understand what happens in this process is to hold still and focus on that one dream you have, that thing you wish for, without jumping to something else.
Get that picture as clearly as possible in your head of that life you so desire.
Compare it to right now.
Yep. It’s better over there.
Pause.
Is it true?
Are you sure if you take a bite of that yummy delicious thing, you’ll feel better?
Yes, yes, yes.
I am positive that if I just had one bite of food in this terribly hungry moment, I will feel better.
I’ve proven it 1000 times.
It feels good to eat when starving and ahhhh, I get so relieved.
I am positive if I had one word of praise from that awesome, sexy hunk of a man I would feel thrilled….and better than this boring moment here.
I am positive if I had a million dollars descend on me through the lottery channels or some special winning that I would feel ecstatic….and have more options and a changed life from this limited scarce reality.
Notice how there are two visions.
This One Here Now.
That One There Then.
And we get so sure the other one is better, right?
I know how I act when I believe my life would be better, enhanced, joyful, thrilling, adventurous, calmer, blissful, free….IF I only had that thingie come true.
I’m in pursuit.
I’m waiting.
I’m reaching for that delicious carrot and it keeps moving just a wee teensy bit out of reach so I’m almost falling over trying to get it, and never succeeding.
Can you feel it in your body, when you’re reaching?
But who would you be without the belief that the thingie you want, that vision you see or feel so sure of in your mind….
….will give you happiness?
Wait.
You mean.
Are you saying there’s no possibility of happiness?
That SUCKS!
That’s WORSE!
You’re taking all my hope away….oh no!!
Hand wringing!
Please don’t take my hope. That’s the only thing I have to hold on to. I’m reaching maybe….but it keeps me going. Please.
I will get there.
I will get that person, place, condition, enlightened state of being!!
Pause.
Who would I be without the thought that something else will make me happier?
Noooooooo!
OK, so slow it down.
Relax.
Nothing will be destroyed, except maybe a few thoughts here and there. Look around, everything is still the same, OK?
You are simply considering who you would be WITHOUT ANY THOUGHT of a future happy place.
No getting better, later.
Stay. Stay. Don’t rush off.
This is it, right here.
This is what you got.
Here it is.
If you’re like me….it’s bloody difficult to stay, with this genius mind so good at imagining improvements and possibilities.
I’m not saying you have to give up your mind, though.
What if this is it….and “it” includes your brain thinking away and dreaming and conjuring up brilliant (and troubling) ideas?
Say: “Thank you mind, for showing me about 150 movies at the same time about the future and about the past. With the sound playing on all of them. At once.”
And then leave the movie-playing alone and let it do it’s thing.
But notice what else is here.
Who are you, without this belief that the Thing will get you to some better place?
Can you hear the deafening Silence? Can you feel how OK you are no matter what you’ve ever been through in your entire life that’s hard? Can you feel how OK you are if you never achieve that future vision you’ve been hoping for?
Turning the thought around: There is no “better”, in the future. Even five minutes from now. There is no “worse” that once happened before. It’s all a figment. It’s all images and movies playing in various and completely different genres (horror, winner, tragedy, comedy).
All that goin’ on?
It’s all just the mind, doing it’s THANG.
Sing to it now….
You are more than your mind working it out.
Sit still with that part of you that immediately follows the mind. Let it not race behind the pictures your mind shows you so quickly. Let it walk more slowly.
Widen the gap between thinking about your dreams and sorrows….
….and reality.
If I can attempt this, if I can stop just a minute….
….so can you.
“The things you think you love–you have no idea–you don’t…You can’t get away with it [being against what is] because your true nature is kind. Everyone’s trying with all their might to believe what they don’t believe. We believe our thoughts, and Hell is created.” ~ Byron Katie in Seattle 1/2016
If you need a little help, with the support of others to stay focused on inquiry and set yourself free from the difficulty of wanting what you don’t have….
….come to the Abundance and Desire Retreat.
Here’s what I am finding out over time, through the powerful support of inquiry. (You may be surprised).
Everything is here right now for my happiness. It’s amazing.
It’s astonishing.
As you realize this, right here in this moment….
….as you notice that everything you need is here now, you are inspired, astonished, relaxing, laughing, calming down, finding peace, hearing, feeling.
All those things, conditions, experiences, people or items you wanted before, so that you’d feel happy?
Completely unnecessary.
Happiness is present.
And THEN….they begin to happen after all. Now.
“Serenity is within, do not seek it without.” ~ the Buddha
Much love,
Grace
Join the Abundance and Desire Retreat. Doing The Work on what keeps us from what we really want: Reality Now! March 25-27. Friday night through Sunday afternoon. $295. Three private rooms plus a couple of very comfy air mattresses available if you need to stay overnight (just ask).
