I am bad

“If I had derived my identity from what the world was telling me, or what my mind used to tell me, I would have been a total failure. Then…a total success.” 

I had to chuckle while listening to the brilliant Eckhart Tolle as he said these words, describing himself first at age 50 and then a few years later, after his book the Power of Now had swept the world and become a best seller.

He was talking about this Self, whatever he apparently was (which he no longer believed anyway).

For most of us, we have moments of feeling like failures, or successes, and everything in between.

Have you ever felt like you failed with a partner? Failed with your kid? Failed in “x” area?

(I often hear about failure from people who have struggled with addictions–someone just wrote to me this morning, for example, pleading for help with her eating disorder).

My heart goes out to people when they feel this self-criticism and negativity, this torture about being who they are.

I am bad.

I know it’s hard to do The Work on ourselves, but let’s look today….it’s what appears today for inquiry!

If I really ask myself about this idea of being bad, whether I am bad or someone else is bad, I notice I have this equal and opposite urge to move into the idea “no you aren’t, stop thinking that, you’re good, it’s OK” and wanting to soothe.

Both sides of that BAD coin don’t really feel that great, though. Not thinking you’re bad, not thinking you need soothing and fixing.

Not if YOU are the bad one/failing one….or if someone ELSE is the bad one/failing one.

So let’s take a look.

I am bad, a failure.…(here’s my proof: I’m acting too negative, I’m co-dependent, thinking about “x” too much, Not Present, not being the perfect spiritual person, too critical, a procrastinator, not organized enough, not living up to my fullest potential, didn’t make enough money, didn’t plan well, not succeeding, mediocre, eating ice cream, drinking coffee, watching netflix, etc, etc, etc).

You’ve got your thing you’re failing at, right?

Bad Job.

Is it true?

Well…..yeah.

I mean, look at her, him, them. Do you see those people? Those are SUCCESSFUL people.

Now look at me. See what I mean? I’ve had a whole lifetime and my sisters are doing “x” and I have a midget-sized house and I never get my book done and there are all these incredible people making a million dollars (not me) and I never learned a second language and I haven’t done a Ted Talk and…..

You get the idea.

You may notice you have moments in time where the way you spoke with someone, you considered “bad” or “failure”.

But are you sure it’s absolutely true that YOU are bad, wrong, a failure in that situation?

Who is the You who is answering this question?

Who is the You who you’re looking at, the bad one? Where is this person? Where is this person right NOW?

How do you react when you believe the thought you’re bad, wrong, you failed?

I don’t know about you…..but it’s a dark, cold, sinking, thick feeling.

I can hear it when I’m facilitating people who have this thought. They report that they feel sick when they believe this thought, or depressed. Or, like the person who wrote to me today….they’re frantic, desperate, suicidal.

Now, pause.

Who would you be without your thought that you are bad, you did it wrong, you failed?

Yes….as you watch yourself and your mind fill with images of the past and the mistakes, and images of the future you’re worried will happen….

….who would you be, even if you’ve got pictures running through your head, or voices chattering on the inside….

….who would you be WITHOUT believing this thought?

Just hold still for a minute.

What is happening right now, without any idea that you’ve done something wrong, or anything bad, or bad-ness is part of you or what you are in some situation?

You might still feel some feelings, like sadness, or very afraid, or nervous, or dull, jumpy, thick.

You feel how the energy is moving and where it floats and what happens to it, without the thoughts you’re bad. Close your eyes and feel it, feel everything here now.

Do you feel it? Just the sense of pulsing, and being alive, and what it’s like to not be so sure of your mental evaluations of yourself?

What if you just did not know what was true about “you”?

Kinda funny. Makes me smile, actually.

Can you turn this belief around to the opposite?

I am not bad. I am good. I am ____. I am.

Ooohhh.

“The body reacts to your mind. The body believes your thoughts to be real. Mind patterns often create fear. The thought creates the emotion because you’re totally identified with the thought. The body responds as if the thought is reality. The body can’t tell the difference, what you think affects the body. By seeing thought as untrue is the only way to become free. You can only see it as untrue with awareness. Without awareness, the thought swallows up your entire consciousness. Simply allow everything to be here. Allow the feeling to be here. Without feeling you shouldn’t feel it either. Allowing it….brings awareness.” ~ Eckhart Tolle