Do you have someone in your life who repeatedly acts a certain way, and you find it disturbing?
Almost funny to ask the question….because if you give yourself even a few minutes to consider it….you can probably find it.
Yeah, now that you mentioned it….
Amazing, though, how frightening it is for people to see this part of the mind that objects to someone else and what they’re doing, or saying, or feeling.
But give yourself the amazing gift of inquiry today, if you’ve noticed some small (or large) behavior in someone else you don’t appreciate or like.
It doesn’t mean you are a bad person, if you have something like this you notice, if you have something about another person that bothers you.
Not at all.
It means you’re a human being, with a brain.
Long ago I was dating someone who was very caustic, opinionated, intense, and hilarious, and in a great deal of pain–in both my opinion and his opinion.
I had The Work, so I knew to question my thoughts.
I did quite a few worksheets on this guy!
Because of the number of worksheets and stressful thoughts about him, there were a few times when I thought “I should give up!”
What good was this to repeat the same complaints over and over again about this individual?
The thing is, that’s a nice thought to have, EXCEPT….
….giving up doesn’t really work either.
“You either question your thoughts, or you believe them….there is no other choice.” ~ Byron Katie
Your thoughts don’t just decide to dissolve, diminish or go away never to reappear again if you think “it’s no use, I can’t get rid of these thoughts.”
Because you’re trying to get rid of them!
How do you feel when someone tries to get rid of you?
So let’s take a look at a situation when someone is doing that super irritating thing again, or that discouraging thing, and you feel upset about it.
The place I found it repeating itself for me?
He shouldn’t be addicted.
I know other humans suffer deeply with this belief about people they love.
She shouldn’t drink. He shouldn’t smoke. They shouldn’t use drugs. He shouldn’t engage in that activity. She should stop cleaning,trying to be perfect, exercising, working. He should stop watching TV, gambling, having affairs.
The person I thought of over and over again who should not be addicted was troubled by his pornography use. He paid a lot of money for it, he went on binges with it, he swung from zero sexual contact to compulsive sexual contact with other people.
He was incredibly unhappy, he reported.
Yet, he couldn’t stop signing up for membership porn sites, and paying for sexual encounters, or even masturbating.
I know this may seem shameful to speak of, but replace this obsessive activity with eating, or drinking, or smoking. Just notice anything you feel the urge to hide.
It’s the same kind of shame.
Having the judgments feels shameful, too. I shouldn’t be judging him for this. I shouldn’t bring it up. Ew.
But there I was, dating someone with this kind of compulsion to do things that felt sexually stimulating.
I had a few thoughts.
He should control himself. He’s disgusting. He should have real relationships with people (with me) instead of using people to get off all the time. He should quit pushing for peak experiences and become interested in the valleys as-where most of us live. He should quit participating in the sick sex industry. He is immature, gross, inaccessible, unable to be intimate. I don’t ever want to date a man who uses porn again.
Phew.
See, I can still find the thoughts all right there, as I remember this relationship and how I saw him even though it was many, many years ago. The situation is still accessible to me.
Step #1: get all the vicious, mean, nasty, discouraged thoughts out on paper. Write it all down. All of it.
Step #2: One concept at a time, have someone walk you through inquiry–the four questions.
Like this.
Is it true that he should stop doing that behavior?
Yes. Dear God, yes.
Some mothers and fathers feel this way about their addicted kids. So much terror and angst, they might walk the streets at 2 am trying to find their kid. So much sadness.
Are you sure, are you absolutely positive this is true?
If you say yes again, no problem.
I understand.
I do see, from doing this work, that Reality appears to have addictive people living in it.
Reality includes a mind that believes, and gets so upset it thinks to escape with some activity or substance.
So for me, personally, I’m not really sure it’s absolutely true anymore. I also see how addiction brought me to my knees, and then to God/Reality/Source/Freedom.
How do you react when you believe he or she should not be operating the way they are operating, in the throes of addiction?
Screaming on the inside.
One huge “noooooo!”
Frightened half to death, enraged, wanting to hit something.
Who would you be without these thoughts?
Who would you be without the belief that this person you care about should stop that activity?
Who would you be in that same situation when they are doing it, or you learn about them doing it, and you aren’t hating it, or against it with all your might?
What if it was not personal?
Sometimes in this question, people think…..but….
….I would walk away, if I didn’t have this belief, and this would be terrible and even worse, and very sad.
I would quit fighting, and if I quit fighting I wouldn’t be there for them, or help them, and I’d be all alone. I would be the one who abandoned them. Oh no, I couldn’t do that, I have to keep the thought “they should stop” or else they (and I) will go to hell in a hand basket!
But are you sure THAT is true?
Do you really think everything is on YOU to be The One to turn that person around?
Are you the one in charge here?
I noticed, I wasn’t.
When I did this work in earnest, I suddenly realized, in this question four, that I had no idea how to be with my friend without the thought that he needed my help.
Wow.
Some might call that a big ego. Heh heh.
But I was willing to find out what it was like without being a “helper” or being someone who thought this other person needed to change.
Because, as mentioned, the way I was when I believed the thought also did not work. At all.
Instead of listening to long explanations of what, why or how this man I cared about entered his addictive behavior, I let it all rest.
(All those conversations were really incredible, by the way, and enlightening, and I saw how much I shared with him around wanting to escape the world).
Instead of having an End Goal to have this behavior stop, I stopped.
The relationship completely changed.
And then, ended in its current format.
No need for further communication.
No talking, no phone calls, no seeing each other….as it turned out.
Turning the thoughts around about this man and his pornography use:
I should control myself from being so addicted to helping him. He’s not disgusting. I should have real relationships with people (and with myself) instead of using helping people to get off all the time.
Wow.
I should quit pushing for peak experiences (bliss and happiness) and become interested in the valleys–where I usually live. I should quit participating in his sick sex industry by getting all freaked out about it.
I am immature, gross, inaccessible, unable to be intimate with him, or with myself (especially when I have a constant agenda of him not using).
And finally, I am willing to be in contact with people who are using porn again. I look forward to being in contact with them.
That’s 100% true.
Because I learned so much about compulsive sexual behavior from that amazing man, I have the ability to support people through inquiry and exploring their addictive process, without judgment.
I know it’s exactly the same as I was with food.
And it’s not like I haven’t had thoughts about sexuality and sexual experience–everyone has thoughts about this, all worthy of questioning if what you’re thinking is stressful.
It’s exactly the same as I’ve been over and over again with believing my stories are true.
“If you want to govern the people, you must place yourself below them. If you want to lead the people, you must learn how to follow them.” ~ Tao Te Ching #66
Grace