I was so touched this morning in an Eating Peace webinar I presented (so jammed with information, of course, that we went for 2 hours….it was awesome to hang in there with you and your questions, thank you).
One participant in the webinar wrote in the Q & A, where I see people’s questions and comments underway during the program.
“I don’t have an eating problem but a drinking problem. I can relate to all of this though. Will this course apply to me?”
The thing is….most of us are indeed plagued by some kind of lack of peace, and it doesn’t really seem to matter how it presents itself in action or behavior.
We do all kinds of things to try to get away from that core angst, or urge to change what we feel, or escape from the difficulties in our lives.
Once when I was on a silent retreat with one of my favorite teachers, Adyashanti, a man came up to the microphone for the portion of the retreat where people can ask questions and have a conversation with Adya.
The man shared, with tears and deep discouragement, his journey with drugs and getting off them, not long ago.
He felt he had lost everything, destroyed his relationship with his kids and family, and had nothing but a bicycle and a room in a house. No job, nothing left of his former life, not even sure where to go or what to do next.
He described such shame and sadness, my heart went out to him
Not all of us have to go to such extremes to notice that inside the psyche, inside our thoughts about others and ourselves and the world, it isn’t super pleasant, peaceful or easy.
Adyashanti replied something to this man who was suffering so deeply that I found very loving and wise…..
…..”we’re all addicts.”
In other words, he explained, we’re all addicted to our identities, to listening to our thoughts, to believing what we think is super true.
The other day, I walked from my bedroom to the little study or office in the cottage I live in.
As I have before, I paused and looked at the dirty, ratty carpet.
All of the sudden, a sinking feeling of anxiety encompassed me.
Yes, even without eating as a behavior, I still feel anxiety and have stressful thoughts….just like so many of us do sometimes.
Images came into my head of the horrible project of having to replace old carpet. All that furniture moving, and the money it would cost to hire the help, to buy the new carpet, having to choose the new color.
It’s too much, I thought.
The images included shame at having not had my act together enough earlier in life to gather money and be responsible for a simple house.
I thought of all the lists of things I should spend money on, if I even get the money, instead of carpet-replacing.
Like school needs for my kids, or a safer, newer car to drive that runs on electricity instead of gas, or donating to charity.
The thing that’s interesting about that moment, walking and seeing worn, ratty carpet, was that I almost missed all these images.
All I had was a flash thought of the worn-outness of my home, then the feeling of discouragement, and the sudden urge to work harder on my business and programs, followed almost immediately by the thought….
….but NO, I don’t want to right now, I’ve been working all day already….
….so how about I watch a good movie?
Yeah. That’s it!
This idea of what to do happened in thirty seconds.
Urge to escape. Urge to be somewhere else, see something else.
Urge to Not Feel Stress. Urge to have a bedtime story told to me.
A good one, a distracting one.
This was a moment of addiction to a story, to an identity, the quicker-than-lightening impulse to get away from being The One Who Didn’t Get A Successful Career Earlier In Life and Now Must Replace Old Carpet.
And guess what?
I DID watch a movie.
So I actually took the bait (invented by my own thoughts), and went with it. I asked my husband if he also wanted to watch.
And guess what else?
It’s another day…..and the thoughts about ratty carpet or other peoples’ comfort in my cottage returned to be looked at again, because I had a meetup yesterday afternoon and before people came, I believed “it’s just not clean enough in this cottage….for example look at that carpet!”
Who would I be without that belief, though?
Who would I be without that story of having to have things look and present a certain way?
WHAT would I be without being against my feelings of angst or concern about my future life on planet earth, or other peoples’ ideas and perceptions, or what will ever happen?
I love looking at this question, and this answer.
WHAT would you be without your stressful story?
If you didn’t define yourself as a human who is supposed to be doing it a certain way, or that you need to escape your feelings?
Wow.
I’m not even sure what I would be.
I’d be something, a being, walking from one room to another, seeing images and thinking thoughts and feeling feelings and ultimately just being here.
Being.
If you didn’t think it was important to escape or change this place, this moment, this situation, who or what would you be?
Maybe you’d be pausing in the unknown, willing to wait and be still.
Willing to see what happens next, without you trying to direct the outcome or trying to control yourself, or trying to control the outside environment around you (including people).
Someone holding still.
“Who would you be right now, sitting in this chair without the thought? Sit there as the successful man. Sit there as the failure. Sit there as every man that you wanted to be, or woman or child or you. Sit there and experience who you would be sitting in this chair without your stressful thought…..Just feel the support. Feel the support of the chair. Allow it to support you–because that’s what it’s doing whether you’re aware of it or not. And experience the breath that’s breathing you and the ground that’s supporting the chair. Feel what’s supporting your arms and the support under your skin.” ~ Byron Katie in Who Would You Be Without Your Story?
Just like meditation, it’s a practice.
You don’t necessarily have a huge lightbulb go off and an explosion of awareness and from then on, everything’s free (unless you do, like Byron Katie or Eckhart Tolle, but these are the far outliers of the bell curve. For you, it unfolds your way, just right for you).
What I’ve noticed is the gap between thinking…..and wishing to change or move or follow a craving or fix something becomes smaller and smaller and smaller.
No thought necessary about where this is going, or what I should do.
Seeing thoughts arise, seeing them vanish (forgetting about them).
What or who would you be without the belief you can’t find peace, or you have to use something (substance, food, person, activity) to find it?
Awestruck.
Alive.
Here.
Thoughts and all, warts and all. You.
Much love, Grace
P.S. For the replay of yesterday’s Eating Peace/Thinking Peace webinar, click HERE.