Category: Money

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Money is safety (and other myths)

Last call for all the inquirers interested in doing ten weeks of The Work on money…or we should probably say we’re really doing The Work on our thinking about security, safety, comfort, adventure, fun, pleasure, ease, play, special-ness.

Because these are the qualities we generally think money can buy.

To sign up visit HERE.
Even if you never, ever do The Work on money, you may recognize the things it appears to be able to buy, and investigate these if it seems stressful.
Not long ago, I was talking to a distant family member who said he loved money for the safety it supplied, and would be supplying in the future.
Safe future, safe from physical pain, safe from suffering when he’s aging, safe from loneliness. The money will pay for people who are younger to do chores and tasks and who can handle his physical needs, errands, medical attention, companionship.
Now, there’s nothing wrong with getting set up for any of these options. Why not?
But I heard also the sound of someone who was terrified of Not Having Money. Intolerable to think of going without it, or not having enough eventually.
Money would be buying safety.
For a second, I felt different. “I’m not concerned with accumulating and saving like that”, I said to myself. “I’m so over it. I’d hate to have those kinds of fears and anxieties and the need to hold on to an amount that seemed to be ‘enough’ for sometime later in the future.”
“Thank goodness I’m so easy-going in this department. Heck, I’m even offering an inquiry course on money! No problemo! Let money do what it does, I’m alive and well and…..”
Wait a minute.
Sigh.
I almost thought I was better than the one who was worrying about money, or believing money provided safety. That tricky rabbit (mind).
So let’s inquire today.
The belief: Having money means you are granted a certain level of safety in advanced age: you receive care, attention, what you need, comfort, treatment.
Is that true?
YES. Let’s be honest here. Jeez, have you been in the various kinds and levels of nursing homes or facilities? There’s a difference.
But can you absolutely know it’s true that having money grants you safety?
No.
I really can’t know this at all. I’ve been without money, and been perfectly safe. I’ve had money, and felt terrified.
I sat many hours for days with a dear friend who was in a fancy place for hospice care, and I’m honestly not sure it was better than all the many places I’ve spent time in with other people in the past who had nothing. The fancier place smelled a little better and had a nicer looking lobby.
I’ve had no money, and asked perfect strangers for help and they were incredibly generous and accommodating. I’ve had money and still gotten the flu, hurt my leg, sprained my ankle, been criticized.
What is safety? Is it a sense of comfort? Don’t surprises happen whether you have money, or don’t? Do I really need to have money to have connection with other humans, or receive support?
With the thought that more money makes things safer, or better…I miss what’s happening now. I lose my sense of humor. I fail to notice the incredible comfort I’m experiencing in the present moment as I think of the future.
With the thought that money grants safety, I notice it’s all about the physical body and it’s support. Is that really what and who I think I am? A body?
“Success is a concept, an illusion. Do you want the $3900 chair instead of the $39 one? Well, sitting is sitting. Without a story, we’re successful wherever we are.” ~ Byron Katie in Loving What Is
Who would I be without my story of the future and safety, and money making it better?
Huh.
Rather funny.
Hilarious even.
It all seems to be a big story, created in an instant, then the mind moves on to the next piece of entertainment. I notice without the story of money meaning safety, it comes and goes, I get motivated or not, I rest, I work, I sleep, I wonder.
Not having the thought that money = safety, it doesn’t mean I don’t have it in my life, enjoy it, use it, give it away, keep some, or work hard for it at times.
I notice an ongoing relationship with it.
Turning the thought around in all the ways I can find:
  • Having money does NOT mean you are granted any safety in the future.
  • Having inquiry–the capacity to question your mind–means safety in the future.
  • Safety in the future is not even possible here in this moment…it’s only an idea.
  • Safety now means having money in the future
  • Having money means lack-of-safety in the future.
  • Nothing is guaranteed, including safety (safety from what?) or money or a future.
Good lord.
It’s all true and none of it is true.
But isn’t that a relief in a way?
No control, no set story. Follow the simple directions.
If you need some money, there are ways to acquire it in integrity. If you want to save, there are ways to do this, with love.
All I can find is that fear is not required…and I can feel immense compassion for those and for myself when I’ve felt fear about money.
What can we do?
The Work.
“Fill your bowl to the brim and it will spill. Keep sharpening your knife and it will blunt. Chase after money and security and your heart will never unclench. Care about people’s approval and you will be their prisoner. Do your work then step back, the only path to serenity.” ~ Tao Te Ching #9
 
If you want to come on the journey of identifying the stories you’re scaring yourself with, and exploring and dissolving them with the four questions….it’ll be a wonderful money adventure. Join me here.
Much love,

Grace

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He should have paid me….and the excitement he didn’t

Money.

The very word can bring up stress, thoughts, panic, dread, anger.

When it seems like money isn’t with us in abundance, or we have to work very hard for it, it definitely brings on fear for many people.

But what about when we’ve got enough, but it’s not about that. It’s about someone not paying us back, or paying their bill, or giving us what we believe we’re owed.

The other day, I caught myself having a thought about someone I perceived as having a good job (he told me he works full time, although he didn’t sound thrilled about his position). He had asked for a discount on our session. I had said “yes”.

We did a whole mini-retreat which is three hours to go through an entire worksheet (I do these at a discounted fee of only $75 per hour and his fee was lower). His preference was to work on the phone, not skype, which is totally fine. He wasn’t super familiar with The Work and he felt upset about his junk-food eating. Which is one of my favorite topics as you know….eating battles and compulsions.

The work was interesting. Although I had the feeling he wasn’t too impacted by it.

And afterwards, he didn’t pay his bill. To me.

Rats.

Maybe he thinks the work we do together isn’t worth it. Maybe he thinks I shouldn’t charge so much. Maybe he doesn’t care about bills and money and paying them on time. Maybe what I charge is so low by comparison he thinks of it as nothing much and forgets about it.

Guessing, guessing, guessing.

And a deep inward stressful thought: he doesn’t care about me.

I’ve had this thought when a friend who borrowed money didn’t pay me back. I’ve had this thought when I find out someone makes a huge salary, but still asked me for a scholarship discount. I’ve had this thought when my grandma sent $10 and she could have sent $100. I’ve had this thought when a date wanted me to always pay half of the dinner and theater tickets. I’ve had this thought when my husband doesn’t offer to pay any of the bills for the back-yard building/remodel project we’re considering.

That person doesn’t care about me.

They think I’m OK whether I get paid, or not paid, or make the payment, or don’t. They think I have no concern about money. They assume I don’t mind. They think I’m ignore-able. They want to keep their money to themselves.

Such a fascinating stream of thoughts, once I sat down and began to inquire.

I think I know what they’re thinking about me. Holy smokes, talk about making assumptions.

I knew I needed to inquire. Because that’s what would bring the most awareness, one step and one thought at a time.

He doesn’t care about me.

Is it true, in this situation?

Yes.

He even texts that he’ll get to it right away. And I see nothing. And never saw anything again. He vanished. With an unpaid already-discounted bill.

Sigh.

How do you react when you believe the thought “he doesn’t care about me” and it has to do with money–either they aren’t paying, they aren’t generous, they’re demanding more, they’re refusing to give, they don’t want to share.

A old friend of mine had this thought about her husband during the divorcing process. It was a screaming stressful thought “he doesn’t care about me!” If he did, she felt, he wouldn’t withhold money. He’d divide things up equally.

The sense of being jilted or dismissed, or having no power whatsoever over what’s happening with money can be infuriating. Terrifying.

How do you treat money when you believe the person holding it in their hand doesn’t care about you?

I hate it. I hate that I need it. I want to eliminate it from this relationship. I think I should work with people without expecting payment for anything. I should ask for donations, not set amounts or fees. Then this client could pay me nothing, and that’d fit into the program. I wouldn’t feel so angry.

Sigh again.

Who would you be without the belief he doesn’t care about you?

Oh. Huh.

It’s weird. I see a bill. I communicate. I do the best I can. I realize I know nothing about what happened, or what is happening in his mind. I notice I appreciate silence–which is what he’s given me. I’m aware I don’t need his particular bill paid in order to survive, or be happy.

Almost all people I’ve ever worked with bring their payments with them to the sessions, or pay beforehand. Overall, people are attentive, caring, generous, and clear about their fees and paying them. It’s remarkable.

We apparently use money for a clear exchange of needs, services, trades, support–and it mostly works brilliantly well. People handle their money beautifully, and send it to me with apparent ease. They write and ask the fee for things, they get their questions answered, they send the number I mention, they ask for the link to pay. I am able to live without doing other labor….for the past 4 years.

Turning the thought around every way: 1) I don’t care about him. 2) I don’t care about myself, especially when it comes to him and his bill and this situation. 3) He DOES care about me.

How could these be true?

I consider them, one at a time.

I don’t care about him? True. The lack of the payment becomes the entire focus. I consider his work on junk-food eating but don’t know what he got from it. I didn’t ask. I think of him as an uncaring user. I picture an unhappy loser in my mind, even though I’ve never seen him before. I don’t care about why he isn’t paying. I just want the fee, then I’d forget about him.

I don’t care about myself. Wow, very true. I accepted an extremely low fee for a 3 hour session. I’m not valuing my time. I don’t do these kinds of almost-free sessions anymore. I couldn’t afford to do The Work with people if I accepted such low fees, I’d have to work another job. I didn’t respect my own boundary from the very beginning when I said “yes” to a huge discount.

I also didn’t care about myself because I kept thinking he must think the session was worthless, and that’s why he isn’t paying–even though I don’t know that is his thought. I’m assuming no payment means no worth, and feeling sad about that.

He does care about me. How could this turnaround be true?

He reached out in the first place and asked for a session. He stayed with me on the phone for 3 hours. He answered the questions, and asked a few as well. He explored, and then left.

People come and go. It doesn’t mean they don’t care. How would I know? He has his own life to live, which is far away and doesn’t intersect with mine except for those 3 hours….out of however many thousands of hours in my lifetime (and his) this isn’t much crossover.

Maybe I’ve been spared? Maybe so has he?

Who would I be without my story of caring, and money, and bills and payments?

Communicating clearly, and then being done with it. Saying “no” in the future if there’s another request. Not being wishy-washy with boundaries. Asking for what I want. Not having an internal fit if I don’t get it (questioning that it’s necessary).

Allowing the universe and reality to show me what to do next time. Everything very simple.

Questioning my beliefs about money, bills, invoices, payments, receiving, scholarships, gifts, service, needs, support, and caring…I become free. And very, very clear. It’s OK to not work for free. It’s OK to be direct and at east with exchanges of money.

It’s OK if someone over there isn’t reliable (in my opinion). It shows me how to do business cleanly, with integrity…not with magical hope-thinking that they’ll supply payment.

How could it be FANTASTIC someone doesn’t make a payment they apparently agreed to make? It shows me how to be so beautifully crystal clear, and to serve, and how my joy with this work is not diminished by payment or lack of payment. I get just as much thrill from the Help Line where I volunteer as with those who are making payments for sessions.

“This is very exciting. And if your mind isn’t in his business, you would be amazed at the space that opens up for you, the power that opens up to solve your own problems…It’s the truth that sets us free to act clearly and lovingly, and there’s such excitement in it.” ~ Byron Katie in Loving What Is

Who am I without my story?

Woman enjoying questioning thoughts about money. Seeing the perfection in exactly the way it is. Reality rules.

Much love,

Grace

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The best recipe when you hate your job

The other day someone wrote to me and asked: I’ve got multiple pages of writing on one very important and stressful topic.

Now what?

Great question.

Time to narrow things down a little. Time to really consider the beliefs rising within that feel so painful.

If you’re not sure, here’s what I like to do to get started:

First, I’ll make a list of interactions or moments with other people, incidents that happened, memories I have in my mind, that are all related to this topic of concern.

For example. Let’s say I’m worried I’m not doing a great job. (I had this thought the second day on staff at the School for The Work because I forgot to do something in my job description).

But let’s say it’s an overall stressful topic for you, when you think about work, employment, job, boss, your career. You’ve journaled on it. You’ve written about what you’d rather be doing. You’ve made a plan for yourself about how to change. You’re definitely troubled about the whole thing.

Now, make a list, as you look over your own journaling, of moments in time that were stressful when it comes to this topic. If you had a camera on these moments, and filmed the whole thing and saved them in your internal mental files, what memories would you say “prove” that this topic (in this case work) is stressful?

  • the moment at a staff meeting when my boss asked for a report and I didn’t have it, and she looked very disapproving
  • the moment one of my co-workers huffed with anger and said she had to do two jobs–hers, and mine!
  • the moment I received the assignment to create a database for new patients and update it weekly
  • the moment I’m in rush hour traffic taking 80 minutes to drive home, when it could take only 20 when not rush hour
  • the moment I had so little money left because of unemployment (before I got my job), I almost lost my house–I was sitting on my couch looking at my bank statement
Now I have some snapshots of moments I really dislike about working, and not working. My collection of what bothers me about the whole thing.

 

I start with one. There’s my scene from the troubling movie of my life. I see it vividly.

 

I then write a Judge Your Neighbor worksheet on that moment in time. Only that one. I start there. It narrows things down, puts it into a container the mind can handle.

 

Write all your troubles on the JYN. And then, of course (narrowing it down further to a small simple thought) we question what we’ve written on the JYN.

 

“She’s disappointed in me”. 
 
This thought is so different from “I hate my job”.

 

It drills into our overall blanket concepts and digs into why, how, where, studying the details of this experience of life we think of as “bad” or “wrong” or something we’d prefer not to encounter.

 

And wow.

 

When these specific concepts are taken to inquiry….

 

….how fascinating to discover they may not be as bad as we think.

 

Or just maybe, they may have had something to offer of deep importance.

 

Who would I be without my story of difficulty with working, employment, money-earning, bosses?

 

When I did this work in the past, I noticed I was freer, just one little bit at a time. I was more relaxed, I opened up to my boss, I had a difficult discussion with the co-worker I thought was always watching me like a hawk, I started enjoying the commute with my CDs to listen to on the way home, I noticed the gorgeous fountain in front of one of the buildings of the organization I worked for.

 

So much that was good about that job.

 

And more important, my attitude adjusted automatically, without me having to try, without me having to plan on how I would be quitting and what I could do to solve the problem.

 

Just a wee bit at a time–one thought at a time–taken to inquiry.

 

“What you’re thinking about them [or it] is the recipe for what you want.” ~ Byron Katie

Much love,

Grace

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His suffering about money leads to freedom…..mine

He shouldn’t be so focused on money.

Have you ever had this thought?

You’re watching, listening, noticing that other person over there and hearing them care oh so much about spending, income, salary, investing, wills, counting, saving, having.

Wow. He brings the conversation back to money, no matter where we start out or whatever the topic.

He’s so suspicious, bitter, frightened. Kind of scrooge-like. Unable to let go of imagining money issues, or people taking his money, or the need for greater and greater quantities of money.

He’s worked independently to amass a fortune. Yet, he still dickers with others to get a bargain, negotiate a good deal.

I feel a strange repulsion and fascination.

I notice the conviction that he shouldn’t care so much about making more money, having a windfall, winning the lottery, buying nice stuff. He’s got so much, he doesn’t even have to work for a living, and yet he’s working. Very hard.

Is it true he shouldn’t be so focused, or care so much, about money?

Yes. It’s ridiculous. Who wants to live like that? I don’t see him as free, or happy, at all.

But can you absolutely know it’s true he shouldn’t care so much, when he does?

Well, he appears to be a very unhappy, obsessive, uncomfortable person when it comes to money. I can’t absolutely know it’s true he shouldn’t care about it, though. I’ve witnessed this same energy in others. The reality, it appears, is people sometimes care a whole lot about money. In a really nervous, freaked-out, upset kind of way. They go to war over it. Families get broken over it. People leave each other because of it.

So I can’t say it’s absolutely true he shouldn’t be like that. He is.

How do I react when I see him over there acting so nervous, and saying outrageous things about people trying to scam him?

I feel scared. I wonder if he’s right. Maybe I should care more! I remember when I almost lost my house, and had $10.16 left in the bank, and how I could barely stand the tension of wondering what was going to happen next.

When I believe he shouldn’t care so much about money, I feel some doubt. I imagine that if I had been more like him, I might never have gotten into a position of losing so much or having almost no money.

It’s a no-win perspective, when I believe this thought about him. I have no winning view of him, I have no winning view of myself, I have no winning view of money.

Who would I be without this thought he shouldn’t care so much about money?

I’d simply be a person listening to my friend rant and rave about money, and people and money, and anxiety and money, and families and money, and marriage and money. I’d be present with him. I’d remain centered. I wouldn’t feel thrown off-balance about money, or my own approach to money which feels like an ever-evolving, expanding experience.

Without this thought about him and what he shouldn’t care about….

….I’d be back with myself, in my own business, noticing much more than moods about money in the room.

I’d be breathing, hearing, seeing, not pushing anything, including concepts, away or out. I may even be honoring the awareness of what happens when people focus on something they believe they need in order to be safe, or happy, and how hard this can be. It reminds me to relax with what is.

Turning the thought around: I shouldn’t care so much about money. Especially in the moment other people (like my friend) talk about it or bring it into the conversation. I shouldn’t care so much about them caring about it. I shouldn’t care so much about my own past regret, when it comes to money, when there’s nothing I can do about any of that. The past is over, after all.

I shouldn’t care so much about money and the future, like needing to leave my little cottage to my kids debt-free. Or having visions of working forever into my old age because I started so late in earning much of anything.

Turning the thought around again: he SHOULD care so much about money. First of all, he does. He doesn’t feel very capable of working a normal job, if he lost what he has. He doesn’t feel very caring about much in the world. His focus is survival. He’s been afraid since a very young age. Maybe money is his only true friend. It shows up, can always be traded for things that help him be a little more comfortable, and he likes playing with it.

All I can do is notice my own relationship with money, and what arises when hearing other peoples’ thoughts about it. Who used my friend’s comments to trigger worry, doubt, and regret about money?

That was me.

And my own thoughts are what I can do something about. Not his.

“As long as you think that the cause of your problem is ‘out there’–as long as you think that anyone or anything is responsible for your suffering–the situation is hopeless.” ~ Byron Katie

He thinks money is responsible for his suffering, I think his comments about money are responsible for my suffering.

Everybody suffering. Nobody sane.

I know how to get back to sanity. The Work.

Much love,

Grace

October 4-day retreat in northeast Seattle, December 3-day retreatat Breitenbush HotSprings, Eating Peace Process in November.

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But I could run out of money (that’s what HE thinks)!

The Summer Camp for The Mind daily group just completed, and oh what a summer of inquiry.

I noticed the very last week, we had quite a few stressful beliefs about money appear.

Money is a beautiful and brilliant topic for inquiry. It causes a lot of stress, anxiety, anger and fear in peoples’ lives, when we don’t question it.

Even thinking about other peoples’ money causes stress for many of us. Whether those other people have loads of money, or teensy tiny amounts of money. And then, what those people are doing with their money, or not doing with it….oooh what a rich place for inquiry.

As I contemplated money and heard all the discussions about it, I noticed a situation appearing in my mind from many years ago. The thing I love about the work is how we can go back, to something from the past, and explore that powerful moment. (Who knows what can transform by doing this).

My memory: Four housemates and I were talking in the living room of a group house we all shared. Four young women and one man. None of us over 30. Our male roommate was speaking about his girlfriend and how she was from a stage and acting family in NYC. She had a lead role on a soap opera, which is why she didn’t live in our city. Her mom and dad were super wealthy and went to Martha’s Vineyard all summer to a family property.

My housemate continued his story; “she already pays for my plane tickets back and forth, and it’s practically nothing for her. I wish she’d just let me move in permanently. It’s not like she can’t afford it. And here I am working as a chimney sweep, it’s ridiculous.”

He really was working as a chimney sweep. For his brother.

Inside, I thought, jeez. What’s his problem? He’s so greedy and needy! What a loser! He really just wants to go live with his TV star girlfriend and not work? Wow. Ew.

He shouldn’t want his girlfriend’s financial support. 

So unattractive.

He should want to stick with his own life, create his own means for support. He shouldn’t turn to anyone else to pay for where he lives. He’s a user. And what’s he telling us about this dream of his to be a kept man for? Does he have no pride?

This scene took place 30 years ago, but as I sat with the image in my mind ready for inquiry, I could still remember my disappointment, maybe even a little disgust.

Ready to do The Work? Find where you thought someone should get a job, pay their fair share, quit depending on someone else (or hoping to), get their own money, support themselves. This happens fairly often inside families between parents and their children.

Is it true he shouldn’t want his girlfriend’s financial support?

Duh. Of course it’s true.

He should relax and be proud of his own ability to work, be creative, give service. He shouldn’t think money is so fabulous, or having her pay his plane tickets is so awesome. He should be excited to make his own way to the top, or to any level for that matter. He shouldn’t tell us, out loud, what he’s hoping for!

Wow, I sure had a lot of advice for the guy. I barely knew him. But I was ripping him to shreds in my mind.

Can you absolutely know it’s true he shouldn’t want her support?

Sitting still in that situation, going back in time thirty years, I mulled this over.

Maybe I couldn’t know he shouldn’t want what he wants, but I sure could know it was gross that he wanted it. I kept thinking something was wrong with him.

I could barely squeak a tiny speck-sized drop of doubt. Absolutely true, with zero doubt? I didn’t know. I had no idea of his financial history, or what he really thought of himself, or his abilities with money. I had no idea if it was wrong to “want”.

Just not knowing it was “bad” or “wrong” for him to want financial support was interesting alone. I still didn’t find it attractive. But I definitely couldn’t know it was true he shouldn’t want her support, just exactly the way he wanted it, in that situation.

How did I react when I believed he shouldn’t want her support?

I didn’t get to be closer friends with him. I even ignored him. We lived only a few months in that same house together, before he moved away to live with his girlfriend! I called him a free-loader in my head, a manipulator. I wished him failure. I was super judgmental.

It was a lot of judgment for someone I didn’t even barely know. I could hardly admit it, but I felt some jealousy. How come he gets a fancy life, and I don’t? I treated money like it was something distant and far away, something that belonged and was easy for those wealthy people. I treated money like it was the best thing in the world to have. I never questioned THAT part of the belief system or the stressful story I had running.

So who would I be without the belief that this housemate of mine shouldn’t want financial support from his girlfriend?

BOINNNGGG! (That’s like a board hitting a cartoon character in the head).

Without this belief? Are you serious? But!

You mean he’s allowed to want, and even to ask for, financial support from his girlfriend?

Why, yes! And who would I be to not object to it?

I’d be noticing how free this man was to ask for help. Noticing how free he was to tell his four housemates all about his personal love life and what he wanted, without really caring what we thought.

Without the belief he shouldn’t want financial support from another person, I could come back to myself and my own business and notice my own fears or worries about finances, and notice I may have some internal inquiry work to do.

I mean, why on earth would I care about some random man’s desires when it came to work, money, financial support and what he wanted to pay for or not pay for?

Without the belief he shouldn’t want financial support, I might reflect more closely on my own thoughts about money and how terrified I was at the time that I couldn’t support myself. In fact, it appeared I couldn’t! My parents sometimes sent me money to cover my student loans, I had a pretty low-paying entry level job, and I felt inadequate.

My self-image was so low at the time, when it came to money, that I believed I couldn’t earn enough of it, myself. I thought I’d have to work super hard to barely make ends meet.

I really thought the only way I’d ever be supported with abundance financially was if someone gave me money. It didn’t ever cross my mind that I could work, or build it into my own life through my own ideas, energy or creativity.

That was for other people. Like my housemate’s girlfriend.

I was in the lowly position of my housemate. Someone who needed help.

But who would I be without THAT very stressful thought?

Without this whole entire story of money….who would I really, truly be?

Gosh.

Holy smokes.

You mean, I am the one who shouldn’t want the financial support of someone else?

Yes. That’s the first turnaround. I shouldn’t want it. And why not? Because of the incredible possibility of what it could be like to support myself, in freedom, without feeling dependent, or less-than-able, or needy, or full of longing for that thing called money that’s way far away in other peoples’ bank accounts.

I shouldn’t want it, because I’m deeply interested in having my own relationship directly with money.

Another turnaround: he should want her financial support. Why not? It’s honest, and he didn’t like chimney sweeping. Perhaps he was more honest than I was, with my rules and judgment about what looked “right” and what looked “wrong”, especially in my own heart and my own relationship with money.

“Wealth is a state of mind; if anything is held back, it’s not true wealth….Abundance isn’t a word about yesterday or tomorrow. It’s recognized now, lived now, given now. It doesn’t ever stop; it just keeps pouring itself out. Once you understand this, all striving falls away. You need only notice and let the giving happen through you, excited to see where it will go next, always knowing that you’ll never run out of what’s needed.” ~ Byron Katie in A Mind At Home With Itself

Can I be wealthy in the presence of anyone else, and any amount of money, and any words about what someone’s doing or not doing with money? That’s the real question. Can I feel the plentiful supply of life, no matter what’s happening with money?

Of course I can.

All that comes between me and that, are a few concepts about what’s required for happiness.

Ha ha! I can question that.

*August 22nd 8:30 am PT: Ten Barriers to The Work and How To Dissolve Them. (2 hours) Click HERE to register. Bring a pen and paper.

Two additional Q & A sessions about Year of Inquiry. You don’t need to register, just click on over at the correct time:

*All About Year of Inquiry Webinar Weds August 23rd 2-3 pm PT

*All About Year of Inquiry Webinar Thur Aug 24th 5:30-6:30 pm PT

Much love,

Grace

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My job is sooooo boring. My job is sooooo demanding. Let’s take care of the story.

I’ve heard several inquiries from people recently about stressful thoughts on their jobs.

So much arises that’s challenging at work, whether we work for someone else or ourselves. Over the years, I’ve heard tons of worksheets on painful thinking about work (and written these kinds of worksheets myself).

The interesting dilemma with work I heard about lately?

Boredom. Or, the equal and opposite work issue….Too Demanding.

This job is soooooo boring! It’s repetitive, dull, doesn’t require my best skills, anyone could do it, stupid, too easy, not teaching me anything, unexciting, unchanging. I hate it!

This job is soooooo fast-paced! It’s relentless, frantic, requires my highest performance at all times, no one else could do it, too hard, never relaxing, confusing, chaotic, constantly changing. I hate it!

Hint: the “I hate it!” part is extra special stressful. Frustration, anger, irritation, despair.

Many years ago, I read an article on high stress jobs. I was surprised at the time to find my own current job, the first full time job I ever had, on the list.

The article spoke about jobs where people have very little assertion over what happens, or when it happens, and they don’t have all that much power to make any changes. Receptionist (my job), or customer service help, security officer, fire fighters.

In these roles, you’re waiting for the thing to happen. You have zero control over who walks in the door or when you’ll receive a call, or what time. You simply have to be available, with very little to do until that happens, or at ease with being suddenly interrupted if you are doing something else.

I remember in my 25 year old mind thinking “Oh! Cool! This makes so much sense!”

The high-performance jobs have the opposite kind of stress. You may still feel you have zero control in the long run, you’re trying to accomplish something vast, or other people (employees) don’t do what you want them to do.

I found huge relief in simply knowing my position could be called stressful. I had been running thoughts in my head about how I should be happy with this job, and grateful to be earning a living, and at ease with the low amount of responsibility required.

So I’d say first, if you are watching your thoughts and you notice ideas about restlessness, irritation, boredom, anger with your job….or anxiety, frustration, over-stimulation, worry….the very FIRST thing you can do is accept that you’re having these thoughts about your job for good reason. Hear them. They have something to offer.

These thoughts are worthy of exploring.

WELCOME, oh thoughts!

(This is a brilliant principle to bring to thoughts in your mind that produce any size stress at all–we’re not doing inquiry to crush stressful thoughts–we’re hearing them, and wondering about them).

Now, let’s dig in to this whole “my-job-sucks” situation with some questions, so you can get to the heart of your concern.

Stressful Situation A: You have nothing to do. No tasks, no projects. All that’s required is you sitting here, you being present. In my very first job, I wasn’t allowed to read. So I literally had to sit in my chair behind a front entrance counter space, with my head showing and generally facing forward. Sometimes I could work on tasks involving typing, or collating, whenever other people brought them to me.

Any time you hear the words in your head “I have to”….you may want to take a look. That’s what the energy of “force” can sound like. “I have to sit here, I can’t do anything else, this is so boring, I want to be somewhere else…..” It’s what it sounds like when you believe you have no control at all, no say, no choice. (Another way you could say it is….victim. But don’t use that to get mad at yourself now).

It was a humongous relief to learn it was normal to be stressed in the job of receptionist. It didn’t mean something was wrong with me! Yippee!

I began paying attention to other jobs at the same organization. I asked managers about positions I could move into. I asked the Business Director about what it took to be a bookkeeper and she told me to take a class, which I did.

I was the Receptionist at that company for six months. Then, I moved into the back library room and became the Information Center Specialist and got to reorganize the store room. It kept going up from there.

This wouldn’t have happened if I hadn’t had the simple idea offered to me in an article (long before I was aware of The Work) that my position was stressful, and I actually longed for more, and that was OK! I noticed who I was without the belief I’m doing something wrong, without the reaction to “my job sucks”.

Stressful Situation B: You have too much to do. So many things. There’s not enough time in one day to ever complete all the things you’re doing. You’re constantly working on projects after hours. You need a vacation, endlessly. People report to you. You need to handle people, planning, goal-setting, details, administrative stuff, creative concepts, meetings. And you need to do all these things really, really well.

I’ve gotten to this place in my work world in more recent years.

When believed, these thoughts can produce stress within, just like a boring job.

Like my first situation, if I don’t have the belief I should be grateful, and dismiss my concerns….I begin to inquire.

So let’s look more deeply at the kinds of concepts that spring from my-job-sucks thinking:

  • I need to get out of here
  • this whole place sucks, and everyone who works here (I find my proof)
  • I hate non-profit organizations/ health-care system/ corporations/ schools (or whatever kind of place you work, make a blanket statement)
  • I’m a loser
  • I should be more grateful
  • let’s look at the want ads for anyplace else but here (and let’s look every day)
  • I can’t leave right this minute because I need the money
  • no one can help me
  • I can’t handle it

The thing is, all these thoughts, for me, were inside the reaction to the very first feeling of frustration, the very first thought: I don’t want this. 

Almost immediately on the heals of that thought was one solution I frequently moved to, before I ever learned about The Work: I should make myself not think this thought.

It was like a No Win situation.

I hate it, and I shouldn’t hate it. But I hate it. But I shouldn’t hate it. But look over there, I have proof for why it’s hateful (did you see what my boss did? Did you hear that co-worker? Jeez!) But I shouldn’t be so contrary. But I guess I’m the kind of person who hates this. I shouldn’t be hating this. But I do! I QUIT!!

It’s an all-out war in there! Yowsers!

What if you questioned the thought “I do not want this (I hate this)”?

Let’s do it!

I do not want this moment. I do not want my thoughts about this job or this moment. I do not want this boredom. I do not want this frenzy. 

Is it true?

YES. Duh. This moment repeats itself over and over. I have to sit here, or quit. Of course I don’t want this! What do you mean….I have to suck it up? Dang right it’s true!

Are you absolutely sure you don’t want what is happening to be happening in your job? Right in that uncomfortable moment?

No.

Who would you be without this dreadful story of my-job-sucks and I hate it?

Oh.

Right.

I’d be back in my own business, curious about the duties requested for this position, curious about other opportunities, consulting and gathering more information. Not saying “no” to this. Not saying speedy quick “yes” to something else.

Turning the thought around: I hate my thinking about this job. It’s my thinking I don’t want. I do not hate this moment–I actually love it. What a place to be, getting to be here, alive, and see what happens next! I like having work, too. I like the money, the support, the learning. (You might find the specific things you love about your job. I remember finding an example once at a job I thought I didn’t want….Example: it has a fountain that’s gorgeous between buildings by the name of GRACE).

Turning it around again: my job doesn’t want me, it hates me (especially when I hate it). One example might be that it’s not my permanent job. I may be called to expand and do other more interesting, more wonderful things. Or, I may notice my job is supporting me so hard, and I don’t even notice. (Find examples again).

Turning it around one more time: I hate myself, when I’m hating this job. I don’t want me, when I don’t want the job. I’m fighting with the environment, the duties, the activities, the people. It’s not the real me. The real me is open, mysterious, accepting, relaxed. The real me is willing to speak up, explore, ask for help, share my inner thoughts about jobs, change it up, have fun.

Could it be just as true, or truer, that I LOVE this job? I want this job? Maybe you are the one who gets to dance with this job, in unexpected ways, without resistance.

What is “this job” anyway?

Who would you be tomorrow, your very next day at work, without your story of being in the wrong place?

WOOOOO HOOOOO!!

A Suspended Blue Ocean

The sky
Is a suspended blue ocean.
The stars are the fish
That swim.

The planets are the white whales
I sometimes hitch a ride on,

And the sun and all light
Have forever fused themselves

Into my heart and upon
My skin.

There is only one rule
On this Wild Playground,

For every sign Hafiz has ever seen
Reads the same.

They all say,

“Have fun, my dear; my dear, have fun,
In the Beloved’s Divine
Game,

O, in the Beloved’s
Wonderful
Game.”
~ Hafiz

Let me know what happens, as you inquire.

This is gonna be good.

“Sit, stand, lie down a little. But the story we run as we’re doing it–take care of that.” ~ Byron Katie

Much love,

Grace

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Must be doing something right–the astonishing generosity of humans

One beautifully striking notion from Byron Katie that I’ve so loved and learned from, has been the idea that what’s happening, the words you hear or read, your encounters, the sounds, sights, voices, behaviors, events and places you find yourself in….

….are all for you.

For your awareness, reflection, learning, challenge, enlightenment.

How do you know it’s supposed to happen?

It does.

This takes us to sometimes very intense places and memories. Questions arise. But that hurt! I didn’t like it! I’m not OK now!

The Work usually begins by voyaging into these churning waters, maybe even going into a big storm that’s been very frightening to navigate for most of your life. We start by visiting what we do NOT like in the world, most of the time. Perhaps it’s even a trip to hell.

Yikes! It takes courage to begin The Work. It really does.

But one time, in the midst of a big audience with Byron Katie on the stage, I heard Katie speak to this idea of loving what is another way.

The flip side.

A woman standing with the microphone was frightened. Her voice was shivering, her hair gray, her eyes bright with many years of experience behind them. She was well along in years, her adult daughter sitting next to her, as well as other members of her extended family.

She was talking with Katie about her suspicion that people didn’t really love her, even if they said so. That she had a hard time taking in attention, care, or kindness. She brushed it off. Something about it was sort of….embarrassing, or worrisome.

What if, when you encounter something wonderful, when you hear beautiful words you love, when someone expresses appreciation, when you witness love in action, when something happens you enjoy….

….isn’t this also happening because it’s supposed to happen?

How do you know you’re supposed to hear it, read it, see it, feel it?

You do!

Could there be underlying thoughts buried within that prevent goodness, gentleness, or kindness from being noticed, or trusted, even when it looks favorable?

The elderly woman seemed to understand, more and more, that she may have been mistaken, as she and Katie spoke about love and receiving and trusting reality in every situation.

She realized if she had trouble with compliments and taking it all in, that this was not really personal, and she could question what she was believing about it, just the way difficult things happening in the world were also not personal.

And she could trust, if she questioned her thinking, that she was hearing what she needed to hear in that moment. Including “I love you” and “thank you so much” and “I’m very grateful to you” and “I’m glad you’re around.”

Some good questions to ask yourself, if you find you have some discomfort with attention, or gratitude, is to wonder….what do I think it means, that I’m hearing this? Do I believe I’m supposed to do something, or owe something? What’s uncomfortable about celebrating and receiving the love someone’s expressing? Or sharing how much I love someone or something?

Can you simply be with this joy?

When someone first sent me a donation about eight years ago, I received it in an envelope in the mail. $10. I checked my calendar. Did I miss something? This must be a mistake. I don’t think this was an outstanding bill. Then I saw an email sent separately, and it said simply “thank you for the work you do.”

A few months went by, and I received a paypal donation. $300. What is this? I looked around in my calendar again and wondered if I forgot about an invoice or something. The donor added a note “I love your writing, it makes such a difference to me.”

What I wrote wasn’t even called Grace Notes yet. Although someone shortly after that who was in one of my teleclasses said “send these examples of The Work that you write about out to the world and call them Grace Notes!”

OK. They were named. I didn’t name them myself.

Then a little time went by, and someone sent $20, a few more weeks or months, another person sent $10, then someone sent $100. Then someone sent $600! People I never met before in my life, sending little notes of appreciation and sums of money from time to time. Sometimes a long while in between, then here comes something again.

Last week I received two donations in one week, both in the old-fashioned regular mail.

One was from a woman who took the money teleclass this past year. She sent me a map of her hike with the trail highlighted in sparkly orange and fine purple pens, and a fabulous note written all around the edges and two crisp $20 bills.
“The world in front of me is only ever kind….I am enjoying your Grace Notes while on the trail.”

The other was an absolutely beautiful card with a check for $50 and such kind, thoughtful words.

You have no idea how much it means to me to receive these personal notes, this expression of appreciation (and I love how that word appreciation is used in financial terms, too). Sometimes, people have sent gorgeous sharing of their stories and appreciation without money and this is also brilliantly beautiful.

Somehow, it continues to show me where to move and how to move. Without readers, there would be nothing here, and I suppose that would be OK too.

Yet I see we share in all this together, and I am so deeply moved by your generosity, so thank you for being here. In whatever form you’re doing it. Seriously.

You are awesome.

I give you a deep bow, to your precious unique life, and the One Mind life we all seem to have that loves getting on board the peace train, together.

Much love,

Grace

P.S. Although it does cost money and involve time and energy and “work”, Year of Inquiry is a deep investment in freedom for your mind and questioning stressful thoughts of so many kinds. Last year, several people in YOI suggested they’d like to create a scholarship fund to help current YOI members travel who had only signed up for the teleclasses but couldn’t get all the way to Seattle for the fall and spring retreats because of the expense. It was so generous. It is indeed an opportunity to receive, share, get connected, and watch the world as it supports you. I love the people who join. And by the way, two men are already signed up (these programs tend to be well attended by women). Join us! (Deadline to sign up is August 31st). Read about it here.

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The good news about money wrestling matches in relationships (+ summer camp)

Summer Camp For The Mind, an immersion in The Work via telesessions Monday through Friday, begins July 5th or July 6th (depending on the day and time that works best for you). We kick off on July 5th or July 6th with a 3-hour blitz Intro to Summer Camp.

During these two long intro sessions, everyone will hear about how to join our private slack forum, everyone receives guidance to fill out a Judge Your Neighbor worksheet, and we’ll begin to question stressful thoughts. These first two longer sessions are recorded so people who miss these Intros can catch up.

Summer Camp is offered by donation (see suggested range when you visit the summer camp page). To read about it and sign up by July 3rd, visit HERE. All details with how to attend the calls will be sent out by midnight July 3rd Pacific Time.

Meanwhile, last week I was contemplating the incredible journey on money, and how for me personally it all got extra weird and difficult and the MOST hard when a significant relationship came to an end.

We all know the pain and suffering involved in relationships when they undergo big changes.

People often feel unlovable, like something failed in the relationship, if it goes other than the way we prefer.

And recently through the beautiful work of several different inquirers I had the privilege of sitting with, I remembered how surprisingly strong stress is about MONEY in the middle of a relationship.

Or at the end of one.

Or, OK, at the beginning of one too.

Dating, going on trips, sharing expenses, paying the bills in the home (who’s doing it, who’s home is it), purchases, needs, bank accounts getting split, people dividing everything and going their separate ways, people freaking out if they think they won’t have enough money in the future.

Money touches us everywhere. It’s a part of relationship, it seems.

We trade it for things we desire, need, support, use.

And any moment there’s something uncomfortable with money going on….so good for inquiry.

Today, I focus on the troubles that can appear where the relationship is changing. Called break-up. Ending. Completion.

Divorce.

And the money. Wanting half the possessions or the equivalent. Breaking things into even piles.

Some people are so frightened of these images about money being scarce because of the changes in a relationship, they see themselves living on the street in the future pushing a shopping cart. The fear is so massive, they’ll choose to NOT leave a relationship, because the picture in the mind of no money is worse than the discomfort of the current relationship.

Which means….money is actually more important than the relationship itself, if you get into that fearful state. If it weren’t for the money, you’d might not like what’s going on, but you’d feel far more at ease.

It’s like “What’s happening in the relationship breaks my heart, but I can get through that, as long as I know I’ll have enough money.”

I saw this in myself. Almost divorced. Stayed with kids and worked part time at home for over a decade. No real career. No personal savings. No health insurance.

I remember sitting on my old brown leather couch from the 1960s that used to have a matching partner in the elegant living room of my childhood, wondering how it got to this, that my life was so dramatically downsized from anything I had once known.

From a huge grand and exquisite house built in 1924 in Seattle where I grew up. And now, sitting in a tiny cottage built in 1940 for vacations in the far north end of the city.

I felt so sorry for myself.

A voice kept coming in; “You have nothing. Nothing. Look at you. You should have planned. You should have gone to medical school like you briefly imagined. You’re pathetic.”

Over the following few years, I would walk in my neighborhood and almost cry sometimes looking at the massive homes on Lake Washington only 200 yards from where I lived, all lined up with docks, boats, manicured yards, and windows looking at Mount Rainier.

“I don’t have that. I have NOTHING.”

Let’s take a look.

You can do this if you believe you will have nothing LATER, even if you don’t have nothing yet. Those pictures of you having nothing in the future are so stressful, right?

Those pictures are so threatening, we react to them and feel frightened NOW, even though we actually do have enough to eat, water to drink, we have a roof, we even have a car or a bicycle, clothing, a flushing toilet, a toaster, table and chairs.

But anyway. Who cares about all that.

“I have nothing” by comparison to those other people, or that other person.

Is it true?

Now, I know the word “nothing” is dramatic. We can see we have something. Maybe even quite a lot. But this BY COMPARISON thing.

Ahhhh, there’s the rub.

So much less, that’s what I have. Sooooooo much less.

Is this absolutely true?

Yes.

How do you react when you believe this is true that you have so much less money than “x” or “y” (picture those happy people, or your former mate doing fabulous things, or your neighbors laughing on their boat)?

My mind jumps around at who to blame. Him. Her. Family. Them. The government. Their business. That country. The law. This neighborhood. My ancestors.

Furious. Replaying what she did, what he did. Seeing me with LESS. Grrrrrrr.

Maybe you react with fighting words, anger, resentment. Harsh words. Or maybe you go the other way into apathy, despair, sinking non-action, curling up in a tight ball with shame or self-pity.

Flashing pictures of this rough future you’re going to have. Flashing pictures of not having enough in the past and how this will be repeated. Flashing pictures of scenes from movies, or friends you knew, who lost money.

A feeling of unworthiness about yourself. (Notice the word, also used when something can’t be traded for money).

So who would you be without the belief they have so much more than you, or you have nothing?

What if you really just couldn’t do the comparing for a moment? No reference for looking at two things and deciding you come out below the other, or with less.

Who would you really be, without believing in the danger of No Money? What if money didn’t mean survival, security, or peace?

Because, I notice it doesn’t guarantee any of those things. At all.

Without the belief, way back when I had almost no money sitting in my little cottage, I caught a glimpse of a quiet pulsing silence. It was just a moment in time, during a long life. That moment of little money was the same as any moment if there had been a lot of money. A couch, me sitting still, no hunger, no thirst, able to lie down wherever I was and rest if I needed to.

Noticing that to call the place I lived “mine” was not even true. Everything temporary. Everything changing. The fanciness of the furniture might be greater where I sit one day, or the rug on the floor….but this is the same body, living on planet earth. The environment constantly changes. Mind comes along for the ride, commenting on everything it sees.

Without the thought of comparison, I’m present with what’s happening right now. Noticing I’m fine.

Money is doing what it does. It comes, it goes. It moves in and out of my wallet. It’s busy living it’s life. And I’m here, completely and totally 100% fine. There is no threat, except in the pictures in my thinking. There is no threat, except my vision of what I think it means when something in the environment is “worth” a lot, or I can trade this pile of green paper for something else I think is important.

None of it really is, in the long run.

Turning the thought around: I have more than they do. I have everything I need. I have enough–just the right amount, in fact, for supporting my own evolution. In my thinking, I have less than them. But only in my thinking.

How is this just as true, or truer?

Oh, it’s soooo much truer for me.

Examples: I love noticing how kind and sharing the human race is. I received furniture from the friend of a friend who was giving everything away. Beautiful little unique pieces of furniture, for my little cottage. I didn’t have so much space to clean. Vacuuming took 15 minutes. I could talk with my daughter as we both lay on our beds in our own rooms (small little hallway dividing us). I had a fridge full of delicious food all kept cold (unlike people 100 years ago).

I had incredible appreciation (notice the fine word, again also used in the financial world) for everything around me. For life, for silence. For Not Needing lots of stuff.

I could read for entertainment, instead of thinking I needed to go to Paris. I watched movies from the library. I wondered about the mind and my thinking–which was (and still is) the ultimate most fascinating thing of all, and the thing I was most wanting to relax.

My greatest desire, actually, was peace. Which is probably everyone’s greatest desire. If you asked me to trade all the money I ever had for peace, or keep all the money I ever had and leave peace out of it….I’d take peace.

I’m no dummy.

I want a free mind, a mind at ease. I wanted a mind ready to be in the presence of anything that showed up in this physical world. Including a moment of noticing someone else’s material wealth or my lack of it.

I wanted to notice the wealth I had of life, what was possible, not what was impossible.

I wanted to notice the thing that’s all-and-forever lasting, the thing that’s been with me every step of the way throughout my life, no matter how much money or success I’ve had (according to society).

THAT thing is priceless, shining like a diamond. The greatest treasure I could ever have.

I sit in the streets with the homeless.

My clothes stained with the wine 

From the vineyards the saints tend.

Light has painted all acts the same color.

So I sit around and laugh all day with my friends.

At night if I feel a divine loneliness

I tear the doors off Love’s mansion

And wrestle God onto the floor.

He becomes so pleased with Hafiz and says

‘Our hearts should do this more.’

Hafiz

My terror about money offered me the wrestling match or two or three of a lifetime.

Turns out, my heart met the heart of reality, in the middle of every match….and I realized everything was painted the same color.

It didn’t matter how much, what was more, what was lost, what was found, what was less when it came to money and possessions and safety.

Safety was somewhere other than money. I keep remembering this over and over again whenever I do The Work on money.

Every time I do The Work on money, life says “our hearts should do this more often!”

Thank you money for being such a “problem”. Ha ha!

It was actually only a thought about money that was the problem. Not money itself.

Just to make sure….just a moment ago while writing here, I checked in on money, support, security, wealth, richness, and success by asking “Is everything OK right now? Do I have enough money? Is there abundance all around, everywhere I see?”

Yep. Still true.

Much love,

Grace

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I thought I had a problem….I was confused

Wow, sometimes this mind can grab onto something like a dog clamping down on a bone, unwilling and unable to let go.

You’ve probably noticed.

When did my mind crunch down with gusto and start going in for the problem-solving intensity and worry?

Day Before Yesterday.

I realized not one single person, so far, who is signed up to watch Being With Byron Katie here in Seattle July 8-11 was opting to stay overnight at the retreat site.

I had this uh-oh feeling.

People don’t want to stay at this house. It’s too central, too urban, too city. I made a mistake! I should have had a more elegant-country-retreat house in mind! Why did being in the middle of the city appeal to me? Ohhhh Nooooo!!

My old standard favorite home to occupy for retreats and events, way in the north end and more suburban, is being torn down. As in Not Available for any retreats, ever again.

I liked THAT house.

Other people like that house, too. It’s spacious, comfortable, inexpensive, relaxed, lots of parking. I don’t want THAT house to go away.

I don’t want change on this particular issue!

People feel this way all the time about things other than houses they rent. Change is disturbing…. job loss, spouse loss or divorce, illness, possessions, children growing up, parents aging.

Last March, when I first learned my favorite retreat rental house was being torn down, I quick went crazy online looking for our new alternative for Being With Byron Katie. Combing through listings, emailing owners if they had a big screen television with good viewing room for a group.

Several times, as I almost thought I’d gotten a good house, it was rented within hours right out from under me. Houses were going like hotcakes! Everyone wants to be in Seattle in the summer! Holy smokes!

So when I found a fabulous location like Capitol Hill for our Being With Katie retreat that wasn’t so crazy expensive as everything else, I rented it sight unseen.

Now, why was I worried about no one staying there? Money. Dang it. Money again. Heh heh.

This is a “break-even” event where everyone’s registration actually contributes to the cost of putting it on.

Even people who attend for only a 3 hour session, or one day only, get access to the recordings for the whole event (until the end of September). So, it’s just a flat fee and everyone coming and going without words, taking in the event, keeping silence, then watching what they miss later if they want to.

And some people, I assumed, would stay in the bedrooms of this house overnight and chip in extra based on the rental fees, and cover their rooms.

I dropped by to look at the house in between guests, when it was being cleaned.

The inside is great. Very quiet. Lovely hard wood floors, beautiful kitchen, four nice bedrooms. But one side of the house runs along Harvard Avenue, which is busy and has freeway noise. The owners had me enter from the alley, which has a lovely quiet, secret spot feel.

But not a spread out, green vacation, lush landscape orientation, surrounded by wilderness.

Someone wrote and asked if she could bring her tent. Gulp.

There’s no yard for a tent. This is not for camping.

If no one opts to stay overnight….I’m paying a big chunk of money for four empty bedrooms. Yikes. No longer break-even. A loss of over a thousand dollars. Holy Moly.

This house is in an urban area in the middle of Seattle, literally. The homes are mostly stately mansions, gorgeous old Capitol Hill houses, lining beautifully landscaped sidewalks with small front yards and steps to the front door guarded by stone lions.

Nearby only one block away is Roanoke Park, which I remember playing in 40 years ago. In other words, there’s been no new development around this original Seattle hill for decades. Except maybe some remodeling of these magnificent homes.

The house we’re taking over for four days is actually modest in the midst of all the ornate display of old Seattle. It appealed to me deeply because I love the surrounding walks, the gorgeous views, the architecture. And it’s basically walking distance from the house where I grew up and my parents lived for 28 years.

Not far away (only 5 blocks or so) is a winding inner-city wooded park road called Interlaken Boulevard. I learned to drive on that road, and walked and biked it many times with friends.

Maybe my childhood stomping ground blinded me. (Inner squeal…MONEY!)

So I raised the worrisome “issue” with my husband. I’ll lose money. No one will stay. It’s not good enough. This is a disappointment.

And guess what he said?

“Is it true?”

At first it was a little chuckle. Then, we began to laugh.

Oh! Right!

Who would you be without your story of loss, change, worry?

Who would you be without your belief that you want the old one, you want it to stay the same, you want the same spouse, job, body, skill, etc, and not have any of it cost too much, by the way?

This wasn’t even that big a deal in the grand scheme of things. In fact, a midget sized worry, to be honest.

So what would it really be like to be someone who is not concerned with what is happening, to be someone who remembers they don’t know what the future will bring?

My husband and I began to find examples of how fabulous it would be if absolutely no one wanted to spend the night at the retreat house.

1) We could go sleep there and have it all to ourselves, taking walks all over Capitol Hill in the July summer nights.

2) We could rent out our cottage while we stayed at the Capitol Hill one to some excited people who didn’t think they could find a Seattle spot at this late date in the summer, and make some of the money back.

3) We could sit up late on the viewpoint just up the road from this house on the way to Volunteer Park and watch the full moon come up, then walk “home”.

What turnaround examples can you find for a life change you didn’t expect, or prefer?

How could it be OK, interesting, an advantage…even a wonderful thing that it’s going the way it goes?

And, I notice right here, right now…I have no idea really what will happen. I could have the opposite problem of too many people wanting to sleep in the retreat house, in which case….silent slumber party!!“

To join us at Being With Byron Katie, read about it and sign up HERE: http://bit.ly/bwbkgrace

To ask about staying onsite, email grace@workwithgrace.com and I’ll tell you all about the room options.

You are the wisdom you’re seeking, and inquiry is a way to make that wisdom available whenever you want. My experience is that there’s no one with more or with less wisdom. We all have it equally. That’s the freedom I enjoy. If you think that you have a problem, you’re confused.” ~ Byron Katie in 1000 Names For Joy

If you’d like to take a look at some common barriers to doing The Work, this is one of my favorite topics of all time.

(After working with many people and asking them about their deepest concerns, I’ve identified these ten barriers or blocks to “getting” The Work).

Register for the Masterclass HERE. We’ll meet Friday at 8:00 am Pacific Time. Yes, I will record it and yes, I will also offer it again live very soon.

 

Much love,

Grace

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If you don’t get a job soon….are you sure about the worst that could happen?

One of the more frightening times in my life was when I had no money and had to find a job ASAP.

It felt like a major emergency.

I tried to sell my house (no takers, couldn’t sell it for even the amount I owed on it), I had been on 20 job interviews, I had borrowed $6000 from a family member, my credit card was at the highest level as I had used it for groceries, and I was late on a mortgage payment.

Things looked very bleak when it came to money and work.

When I asked people to share with me their top stressful thoughts a few weeks ago, I had quite a few sharing “I need to get a job”.

The urgency and fear around getting a job can escalate with our scary images of what will happen if I do NOT get a job. I’ll lose my house, my car, my possessions, my sanity. I’ll never recover from these losses. Other people might even suffer (if you have dependents).

As I did The Work at that time 8 years ago on my dreadful feelings of panic about not getting work, a dear friend and facilitator asked me a powerful question:

What’s the worst that could happen?

Not insanely-wild-imagination-worse-case-scenario…but very likely what could happen that’s really, really bad.

So for example, even if my mind might imagine I’d be dying of starvation on the street, owning nothing, my kids given away to relatives to be raised….I really deeply knew this simply would not ever happen. I know too many people who I love and adore and who also love me. I’d have places to stay most likely. I really couldn’t see myself dying of not having work or money. Not really.

But I could see a worst case scenario that I was indeed quite terrified could happen: I’d have to go live in my mother’s basement with my two kids.

I pictured having to wake up at 5 am to drive them miles if I wanted to keep them in the same schools with the friends they knew. I felt horrible imagining their lives being further disrupted (there was already a divorce, just finalized).

I pictured feeling burdened by living with my mom, that she and I would drive each other crazy. We’d fight over refrigerator space, or chores (like when I was 13). I was sure I’d be such a loser, I’d hate myself and had an image of never recovering, never really coming back from the divorce or the failure–even though I was only 44 and could live many more years possibly.

I had thoughts like “my life is almost over” and “I should have gone to medical school” and how my life so far had been a huge mistake, I should have seen it coming, blah blah blah.

That mind will kick into high gear with incredibly alarming voices, words, shouts, pictures, and the resulting feelings of panic.

I felt abandoned.

My primary intense thoughts: I need money, I need a job. This is horrible.

Let’s inquire.

Is it true?

YES! Can’t you see my bills?! (I thought at the time)?! How can you even ASK this question—of COURSE I need more money and I need a job in order to get it!

YESTERDAY!

Can you absolutely know it’s true you need more money, and a job?

Yes. I felt so sure. I maybe had a tiny sliver of awareness that I would still be breathing without money or a job. I could see that I still had a car in my driveway, some food in my cupboards, and a beautiful rug on the floor.

Honestly, I could see in that very moment that it was not absolutely, 100% required I get a job immediately, or I would die on the spot. I was scaring myself with pictures of a slow decline and death, failing miserably and never recovering. But I had no idea what life would really look like, and I could see I was OK in that moment.

So no, I couldn’t absolutely know I needed a job and money NOW.

How did I react when I believed I needed money and a job NOW!?

My hands were bunched in two tight fists. My whole body was tense. I couldn’t sleep. I had to pace. I was sick to my stomach and not eating so well. I was frantic when I looked at job boards, and combed through online HR departments. I’d change and re-change my resume. I’d ask myself “what am I missing?” and wonder where else I could try to find work. I’d apply to everything that even slightly fit my qualifications.

My attitude, at that time, towards work was that it was a sucky thing you had to do for money. Money was required, and this world was set up poorly because of it. I didn’t even really WANT to work. I had never had a fun job.

My beliefs were that jobs were dull, you had to do what the boss says, and you get rewarded for your compliance with money and health care. SLAVE for money.

Heh heh.

If I was on a dating site, thinking a relationship was a required pain-in-the-ass but you need it to survive life, like the way I believed I was forced to work full time to survive in life….I’d be the worst partner ever. Desperate.

So who would I be without this terrible, disheartening, frightening story that I needed more money and definitely must have a job?

Kind of weird to wonder about NOT having this thought, when it appears you have a stack of bills, and debt, and you might even lose your house, right?

But let’s do it anyway.

It’s just an exercise in meditating on this very stressful belief about having to have a job, like I’m forced into something–I’m very small and tiny and needy, and life is big and dangerous and has the security–but only if you work and are willing to do things you don’t even care about doing.

Who would I be without that terrible attitude? Without the belief I’ve been abandoned? Without the belief that life is out to break me down into a pulp? That I’m on my way to losing it all?

Woah.

Without that story?

Huh.

I could see in that moment of no work, and the resentment chip on my shoulder (more like the size of a small boulder)….

….my mind was surrounded by a suffocating dark cloud when it came to thinking about work, jobs, house payments, bosses, office buildings.

So could I really go there, considering what it would be like without that story?

What if I just got here from another planet, and had no reference for jobs, working, interviews, resumes, applications, boredom at work, having to do what bosses tell you?

What if I had no history to compare to? What if I was in this position and it was a game, like landing here for the very first time, putting on a human suit, and seeing what I might conjure up when it comes to this whole money-job thing?

Oh…that’s what it would be like, without this dreadful thought I needed a job in order to survive!

I could take a deep breath, clap my hands together, and say “I’m in!”

I might think about working anywhere, without judgment. Maybe I’d ask way more people about work, and different people than I’d been asking. I could make an announcement in places I went every day, like the dance I attended each week and was trading work for my entrance fee. Or at the grocery store check out.

Maybe I’d send an email to everyone in my address book, and basically if it was a game where I had to move quickly, I might hit the streets and start asking everyone I ran into if they knew anyone who needed help. Perhaps I’d talk to the people at the bus stop, all of whom were headed at rush hour to jobs in downtown.

More and more ideas might pour into my mind, if my attitude was open, unafraid. Even if I didn’t get a job, I would know I went down doing my best….and that alone would feel good. It would make a great story.

She lived in the basement of her mother’s house, but only after going to 100 job interviews, handing out her resume to people walking the streets of downtown, asking for everyone’s attention at the local coffee shop and with a loud voice and a smile, saying I’m looking for work. 

Turns out….I never needed to all of those wild bold things, but without the belief I need a job and money like an emergency, terrified…..my mind got very creative. How fun to begin to brainstorm, just like all the engineers on the ground in Houston who were putting their minds together to bring Apollo 13 back to earth.

That’s who I was without my belief I need a job in order to survive. Excited. Confident. Ready to die trying. Willing.

Turning the thought around: I do NOT need a job or more money. A job needs me! (Turned out to be true). I already have a job, which is to question my fear in that situation, and live more joyfully. I choose to find a job and have fun acquiring money, not feel forced and like a victim about it.

If it had been my last day on earth….would I have wanted to be freaking out because I didn’t have a job?

No.

I also imagined the beauty of the turnaround that I might go live with my mother. How could that be fantastic, like the best thing EVER?

I’d get to know my mom way more, in my 40s. She’d get to know these two grandchildren far better, my kids. We’d be getting to live in a 3-generation household. I’d downsize even more, and I love having few possessions and traveling light. I’d get to know a new neighborhood (where my mom lived) for daily walks. I’d do The Work on my mom and she’d do The Work on me, it could be brilliant for discovering and un-doing old beliefs about us both. I wouldn’t have a mortgage! I might find a job in that new neighborhood, maybe something I liked because I’d have more time to be selective.

If I don’t get a job soon, the WORST that could happen is having to move into my mom’s basement….turned around….the BEST that could happen is having to move into my mom’s basement!

Wow, that was starting to sound true!

When I got a job offer, only about a week later, I was practically disappointed I didn’t get to move in with my mom and take on that amazing adventure of being with her in a new and different way.

Can you find benefits for your worst fears coming true?

Can you feel the relief at not having the thought you Must Have a job yesterday? Can you find examples that you actually have a job right now….called questioning your suffering about work and money?

Who would you be without your story?

“My job is to delete myself. If there were a bumper sticker representing my life, it would say CTRL-ALT-DELETE: THEWORK.COM. That’s where I invite everyone to come join me. Join me and delete your own beautiful self. That’s the only place where we CAN meet. I call it love.” ~ Byron Katie in 1000 Names For Joy

Much love,

Grace