Someone recently asked if I could write about abundance, money and prosperity.
My favorite!
The thing is, it’s such a gigantic topic, fraught with peaks and valleys and swamps and dark forests, and wide open vistas….
….who knows where to begin?
Except, you do.
First, you can begin by writing down, almost in list form (in other words, you don’t need a lot of details), what you dislike about money, or what people do with it.
Then….get personal.
In relationship to ME, what do I find disturbing about money? Where don’t I feel prosperous? Where don’t I feel abundant, thriving, unfettered?
This can be in the past, or in the present (or even in the future, for that matter).
Then notice the simple, stressful thoughts arise:
I need more money
I should have more money
I want extra money
I want money enough to live here, go there, do this, buy that
he/she should give me money
I don’t want to work for money (or do x for money)
I HAVE TO do “x” because I need the money
It can feel like being in a prison camp.
That’s what a lovely inquirer shared with me recently, when it came to her job. She felt stuck, forced, and at her wit’s end. They wanted her to do certain things she hated doing. Ugh.
How do you react when you think you need the money, and it’s not here?
You do things you hate.
When I believed I needed more money, I felt such anxiety, I couldn’t sleep. I watched my bank account drain, without a job. I frantically applied for work, I went to interviews, I felt desperate.
But I also did The Work. I relaxed in between panic-stricken moments. I did the best I could, and then remembered, over and over again, that this was going to go as it did….that I was not personally in charge.
What I WAS in charge of, was my thinking. I could panic about my bank account draining, or I could do The Work.
Who would you be without the thought you need more money?
Any kind of more money, whether a little, or a lot? Even just a little more for that thing you’ve always wanted? Or enough extra to attend the School or a program you’ve always longed for?
Who would you be without the belief you need more money to do that, money that isn’t here?
Are you sure?
Woah.
You mean, if I think of something really amazing that I’d love to do, have, see, participate in….and it costs money….I do NOT need more money in order to do it?
Could that be just as true, or truer?
Isn’t that a little more fun, to imagine ways to find it, obtain it, move towards it? Do you have all the facts? Have you asked for support, or information? How could you get that money you believe you want, or need? And are you sure you even really need to do that thing? LOL.
Who would you be without your story that NOW you need more money to drop on your head, this instant (the mind gets so impatient, doesn’t it)?
What if you turned all your thoughts around, about money?
money needs more of me (come out, come out, and play says money!)
money should have more of me (have you been hiding something?)
money wants extra of me (yes, bring out your gifts!)
I already have money enough to live here, go there, do this, buy that and, I don’t need money to do any of those things
I should give myself money, and they shouldn’t give me any (unless they do). I should give THEM money (that sounds kind, I love giving)
I WANT to work for money, it’s exciting! Work is play, I’ll play for money, and I sure don’t want to lie on the floor all day doing nothing–I like activity
I don’t HAVE to do anything, because I don’t need the money I can choose.
The thing I notice? This is a choice. I’m not a victim here. I’ve always been OK, never lying on the street with nothing. It’s only always been in my mind that I’ve been a victim.
Not in reality.
I notice the turnaround is truer, so much truer: I have everything I need. My life is full of abundance, love, people, kindness, sharing, support, shelter and food and clothing, adventure in the mind.
Not having much money, or enough to do those other things….
….best experience ever.
Being at peace and feeling the security and love in my own heart, right where I am, no matter where I am. It was unbelievable to not have any money. An incredible scary part of the adventure, and amazing to see where it went. No money was required. I lived.
Any extra money, is only a bonus of icing on the cake of life. I LOVE knowing I don’t need any more money. (And sometimes I forget and start imagining I do, but that’s OK little mind, it likes to make up stories).
“How do I know I don’t need money? It’s gone.” ~ Byron Katie
Question daily. Discover the truth. (And ask for what you want)!
And now for some more mental spring cleaning.
Yesterday the Money Inquirers met for the last time to listen, share and inquire into troubling money situations.
These can seem almost infinite.
Everyone got to fill out a Judge Your Neighbor worksheet on a stressful moment with money, and then we heard three wonderfully different and common, powerful stressful situations with money.
1) I just got hired, ready to start my first day of training….and they email me to say oops, the previous employee is taking the position, sorry!
2) I’ve started a business, I have tons of training and experience, and I’m anxious about my hourly rate. I want it low to make it work for everyone. (But will people think it’s TOO LOW and not trust my expertise?)
3) My neighbor knows I’ve got money and don’t have to work at a job….but I resent her sending a donation envelope for her charity without ever getting to know me personally! She shouldn’t ask!
Aren’t these fantastic??!
Do they help you think about your own moments with money, and other people, and other people’s money or needs….or work, career, savings accounts, hopes and dreams?
The thing is, your money story can be so stressful you’re freaking out about it, and not even sleeping at night. And this goes for people who have a ton of money, or people who have very little.
So let’s take just one, through the process of inquiry.
Because an inquiry per day, keeps the freak-out away! (Kinda like an apple a day keeps the doctor away).
I’ve had every single one of these thoughts above….and many that these brave inquirers found on their fully written worksheets on their stressful situations.
Here’s the one that bubbled to the surface for me: he shouldn’t ask me for money.
Oh boy.
We were in a restaurant, and a whole bunch of people ordered different things, with separate checks for all. But my husband and I have been to that restaurant many times before, with the same awesome friends even, and we always combine our bill.
I ordered quite a bit more. He wasn’t eating a full meal.
Later, he asked if I could contribute for my share. He had kindly pulled out his card and paid the whole thing, including whatever I ordered.
I felt a little embarrassed for not thinking of it. And OK, I’ll admit it, a little disappointed. Like a little secret hope that this person, called husband, will pick up the tab.
Not long ago, a beautiful inquirer had a worksheet on HER partner, and how he asked for her to pay two-thirds of the grocery expenses since she had a kid from her previous marriage who was a 19 year old young man….who let’s face it, probably eats a whole lot.
These requests are completely fair, no question.
But this inquiry is for that little part that wants Someone Else to pick up the extra, or Not Mind about paying a little more. Someone Else shouldn’t care about that money. There should be a financial special benefit for sharing in partnership…..called they chip in more-than-whats-fair sometimes.
Yeah, that’s it…..Someone should want to treat me. He shouldn’t ask for money. She shouldn’t ask for money.
You can find your own situation where you’ve had this thought. Maybe it’s with a tattered person with a cardboard sign being a little aggressive on the corner.
Is it true?
Yes! Waaaaaah! I don’t like them asking! They really shouldn’t!
LOL.
Can you absolutely know that it’s true?
No. Not at all. I’ve wanted independence, freedom, clarity, and not to have any expectations about financial support….but to find my own strength and connection with money, and my own answers.
Who would you be without this story of wanting Someone to Not Ask?
I’d notice them asking.
I’d consider their question, freely, openly.
If I have a “no” for the answer and it seems fair (like someone asking for charity for example) then I tell the truth…..”NO”.
Byron Katie, talking with an inquirer upset about her grown young adult son asking her for money: “Let’s role play. You be your son, and I’ll be you, OK?”
Inquirer: Mom, can you give me some money? I want to buy some killer sunglasses.
Katie: No.
(Laughter).
Inquirer: But MOM! You’ve always given me money!
Katie: Honey, that’s absolutely true. I always have so far. And today, I’m not. I was lying in the past.
Inquirer: Dad gives me money, and more than you.
Katie: Isn’t that wonderful?
Inquirer: You’re selfish!
Katie: I know! I finally realized I’m very, very selfish! I haven’t been telling the truth, I’ve been all twisted up about saying “no” and I’ve said “yes” instead. From now on, I want to be fully honest. I love you very much, and I’m not giving you any money.
*PING*!
My mind has an Ah-Ha moment listening to this conversation (all paraphrased by the way, by me).
I become aware that it’s beautiful, and normal, and REALITY to be selfish and to ask for what I want.
It doesn’t even have to be fair, or equal, or just.
Anyone’s allowed to ask for whatever they want to ask for.
Anyone’s also allowed to say “no” to anyone asking. And if I feel worried about saying “no” I can question why it’s scary, or what I think it means about me that’s painful.
Turning the thought around: He should ask me for money. She should ask for money. I shouldn’t ask ME for money (expecting me to say yes when I don’t mean it). I shouldn’t ask them for money.
This doesn’t mean none of this should ever happen, it’s just seeing the advantages or examples of when they do.
If there really is no “should” or “shouldn’t” about what’s happening with money….who knows what is possible.
Now, here’s the actual truth of this situation with husband.
Several years ago when we met and into our dating (second marriage for both), I asked him if he would be willing to be the one to pay when we went to restaurants. I said I would pay him back, and pay for my part equally if he wanted it later, but I really would love him to pick up the tab and take out the credit card and be the one to have a wallet on him and make the actual payment on location.
I loved not having to remember to bring my purse. I loved someone else saying “I got it”. Maybe a little goofy, and old-fashioned. Or a lot.
But he agreed. This recent situation was one of the few times he said “I could use a contribution”. And honestly, he didn’t even ask me for exactly all of my portion of the bill.
So yeah.
Reality is kinder than my thoughts about it. Way.
“Everything turns out to be a gift–that’s the point. Everything that you saw as a handicap turns out to be the extreme opposite. But you can only know this by staying in your integrity, by going inside and finding out what your own truth is–not the world’s truth. And then it is all revealed to you. There isn’t anything you have to do. The only thing you’re responsible for is your own truth in the moment, and inquiry brings you to that.” ~ Byron Katie in 1000 Names For Joy
Which includes most recently, this past month of January in Year of Inquiry AND a new class on inquiring about money underway….
….you would THINK I’d feel happy all the time about money and whatever it’s doing. Or un-flummoxed. Liberated. Care-free.
(Questioning that you should feel happy and care-free about anything, when you don’t, is REALLY powerful. But that’s another inquiry).
The check arrived in the mail yesterday afternoon Fed Ex with a tap on the door. I opened it to see only the cardboard large envelope lying on the front porch and the Fed Ex driver already jumping back up inside his truck.
Opening it, I realized the endless refinancing project, which just took six long months, has completed. In the smooth envelope was a check. A chunk of “cash out” as they call it while refinancing the cottage I live in with my very darling husband Jon. We applied for extra loan money to build a little house for my mother in her final years, in our back yard.
Permits have been researched, the plans begun, ideas shared, architect consulted. It’s a good idea. We don’t have quite enough, we’ll have to save some, but we’ve been excited and talking about this with the whole family for a long time.
And yet….in the car on the way to deposit the check in the bank, I began to have pictures of going backwards into debt.
My dream of paying off a whole house mortgage just got farther away. Thoughts were born like rabbits, in the course of a 20 minute drive, me holding the check in my hand.
I’ll be working for 30 years to pay off this mortgage now. I didn’t do this whole thing all by myself. That would have been a real success. I want to leave this little cottage to my kids debt-free, its my only asset. I’ll be working until I’m 80. I can’t rest. I’ll never have the joy of No House Loan. Why didn’t I pay more attention and focus on earning and paying off the mortgage long ago?
This is terrible.
I went silent, clutching the check, sweat starting to form on my forehead.
My husband, who was happy and celebratory, wondered what was wrong and asked me a few questions (he’s very patient).
Inside my head “WHAT HAVE I DONE?! OMG!!!”
Fortunately, another voice also rose in the mind, saying “Are you sure this is bad news?”
Who would you be without these thoughts? Without this massively weighty and sad story?
Chuckle.
Realizing a part of my mind is having a Buyers Remorse Hissy Fit.
Call the Fire Department! I’ve gotten a LOAN I have promised to pay back!
Deep breath.
Without the thought, I’d notice the quiet car as I gaze out the window from the passenger seat, the gentleness of the day and the air I’m breathing. I’d notice the red lights of other car tail lights sharing the road, leading the way in front of us. I’d hear the support of my husband’s voice.
I’d remember the very inquiry one of the adorable inquirers I heard and her voice as SHE did The Work only 2 days ago on the thought “I will ALWAYS need money” and the excitement I felt at the time noticing how always needing money could be as wonderful and light as always needing air.
It’s not like I’m thinking I’m responsible for the air every day, like I have to “work” for it OR ELSE….
….even though it is actually true that I need it to live, it appears.
Without the thought this has anything to do with me personally, and my survival. I’d be relaxed, comfortable, even joyful to share this moment with my husband who I’m for the first time officially sharing a house payment with since we got married almost 5 years ago.
Nothing. Is. Wrong.
Turning the thought around: This is a wonderful thing that is happening. I am going forward, not backwards, in sharing. I’m supporting myself and those around me. I am paying my financial debt and money is giving me joyful connection with family and being with my mom as she ages. I have no idea how long I’ll be working, or what the future will entail. And by the way, I LOVE my work. (Jeez, good point). It’s not exactly “working” it’s more like playing, loving, and being with the world in a way I never thought possible.
WHAT HAVE I DONE?? OMG YAYHOO!! THIS IS AWESOME!!
Isn’t that truer?
Wow.
“People talk about self-realization, and this is it. Can you just breathe in and out happily? Who cares about enlightenment when you’re happy right now? Just enlighten yourself to this moment. Can you just do that? And then, eventually, it all collapses. The mind merges with the heart and comes to see that it’s not separate. It finds a home, and it rests in itself, as itself.” ~ Byron Katie in Loving What Is pg. 306
But I’m running. I can’t do The Work right now. You have no idea how busy I am….Are you sure you have to Do The Thing and Not The Work?
I was so touched by the inquirers doing The Work on money this month, both in the Year of Inquiry group (it’s our topic all of January) and in the collection of people who showed up to participate, listen and contemplate money just yesterday in the 4 week Money and The Work class.
One important part of doing The Work on a big topic, or any really troubling reliably stressful topic in your life is…..
….drum roll please….
….DOING The Work.
In other words, sitting down, writing out the thoughts you’re experiencing in your mind no matter how childish and frightening, and then taking them through the inquiry process.
And it’s weird how hard it is all on your own for some of us, right?
Sitting on my own couch, or lying in bed, or moving about my living room, or going to the store to get groceries, doing laundry, working, being busy with life, picking up kids from school, putting together meals, talking to the son and daughter at college, preparing for the next workshop or retreat….
….there’s a commenter looking on, noticing what you’re doing.
And at the same time, there are voices saying to Get Busy, Keep Moving, You-Have-To-Do-That-Thing.
Do the thing! Do the thing! Do the thing!
Don’t sit down and wonder about a stressful thought. Get over it!
But has this worked?
Maybe for a temporary time. Maybe you get distracted pretty well, in fact…but then here it comes again. That dreaded stressful thought.
Those thoughts, for example, about money. Not enough. Might make a mistake. Can’t get what I need. I want more.
Today I suggest taking a moment to sit down. You can get up again if it’s torturous. But maybe you can also handle it? Maybe it’s OK to really see what it is you’re thinking about a difficult situation?
Start with the Judge Your Neighbor worksheet questions. That’s what everyone did in the money class. We found a situation where we were troubled with money, and focusing on money itself, wrote a worksheet, wrote out those thoughts.
NOW….you’ve got some good work cut out for you. Like someone sewing together some lovely pieces of cloth that don’t yet look so good, all cut out but not built yet, not made into a new suit of clothing, no fine threads, no tiny segments decorated, no real usefulness. Not yet.
But the good news is, you’ve got the Four Questions, and you only need to go through them, slowly, one at a time.
In the new money class I’ve invited everyone to do The Work this week on the thoughts they found. Whether you’re in the group class or not, why not do The Work on one thought every day from your worksheet?
Who knows what kind of new suit you’ll be wearing by the end of the week, with this kind of lazer focused investigating and “working”.
“For some of us, life is controlled by our thoughts about work and money. But if our thinking is clear, how could work or money be a problem? Our thinking is all we need to change. It’s all we CAN change. This is very good news.” ~ Byron Katie in Loving What Is
If you find it very difficult to sit with your own busy mind and question it, you’re not alone (I know the feeling! Oy!). Call the Help Line, find a facilitator, get a friend or family member to ask you the questions without giving any advice. Put on a timer and allow yourself to sit for whatever you think you can stand–you might surprise yourself.
I’ve been deep immersed in Eating Peace retreat. We stay together all day, even for meals, so we’re either doing The Work, or eating together, sharing in circle together, or walking in silence, or connecting honestly to our own movement and bodies through dance (yes!), or watching Katie on video, from morning until bedtime.
I chuckled when someone said…”Wait, no break?”
I’m not sure how this happened, but because we eat together and it’s a very important part of the retreat, we’re mostly simply together.
Except for this small window before our last day, when I’m writing this and getting ready for the next thing.
Which is the Money Teleclass (Noon-1:30 pm Mondays starting tomorrow for 4 weeks). It’s by donation, so if you want to do The Work on money, join me.
Someone in the Eating Peace Retreat asked me this wonderful question: Have you ever tied together money and food thoughts and ideas?
Have I ever!
I always wanted more of both!
And while I thought more money was “good” and less food was “good”…..it was basically a stressful, tentative, nervous relationship with both.
Sitting with people in The Work for several days, sinking into the question “who would I be without this thought?” over and over….
….what a brilliant, beautiful, liberating exercise.
We’ll be wondering the same question about money during the teleclass.
My favorite place to start is at the beginning, with one stressful situation where money played a role. You’ll know where to begin.
“Abundance has nothing to do with money. Money is not your business; truth is your business. I am not going to get wealth on the other side of the truth; I am going to get something much more important than that, something so powerful that everything else looks like nothing. But as long as I think it should look like money, I am cheating myself.” ~ Byron Katie
Moving….if it’s sad, do The Work and move peacefully on the inside as well as out.
Money telecourse 4 Mondays starting January 23rd, noon-1:30 pm Pacific Time. Read about it here. Anyone welcome.
Speaking of money.
Last week a lively group of inquirers gathered for the monthly Living Turnarounds private group here in my cottage.
As people did their work, wondering about these experiences with others, noticing the reactions, imagining who they’d be without their thoughts….
….I remembered situations of my own.
The moment a lover is leaving, an uncomfortable request from a sister, a son getting lost in drugs, a grandson triggering frustration, worrying about our kid’s school, arguing with our spouse.
And money….losing it, wanting it, trying to get it, feeling furious about it.
Money is the topic of this month in Year of Inquiry, and I’m also doing a 4 week by-donation telecourse on Mondays starting on January 23rd Noon-1:30 Pacific Time.
Because money, it seems, is a huge biggie source of stress, pain, suffering, worry and fret.
I’ve met people with almost unlimited quantities of money, people who make money in business or real estate, people who inherit money, people who have very little money, people who lost money, or a house, or possessions they deeply loved because not enough money, people who live practically without any money at all.
What I see in reality, is there isn’t a direct tie between happiness and money, and unhappiness and lack of money.
But I’ve really thought it was true, in the past, that my happiness depended on having “enough” money (with “enough” being a little foggy or hard to pin down).
A memory.
I’m in my old house (one of them, I’ve lived in quite a few). It’s a beautiful house. It’s quite possibly my favorite house, besides my childhood home, (and my current cute adorable cottage) that I’ve ever lived in.
It’s big, but not pretentious at all. Built in the 1960s and thoroughly updated from top to bottom. It’s elegant, tucked away with an astonishing 40 year old bamboo wall along a secluded deck, surrounded by old growth cedar trees beyond that. Too dark, some might say. But inside the layout is lovely, with skylights, a big master bedroom with a gorgeous wooden ceiling, two lovely additional bedrooms all looking into lush ferns and forest, a big full basement that can serve as an entire brightly lit apartment.
Large floor to ceiling windows fill the living room space, and the 1960s stone fireplace and mantle. All the doors and closets and windows are stunningly high quality.
I lost that home.
Here comes the thought again.
Like a splinter. All the memories race through. I remember feeling anxious about the monthly payment, worrying about the failed septic tank, fearing a future massively expensive sewer hook-up requirement, terrified of not being able to pay. It’s too much, it’s too much.
Thoughts racing back then, like “we would be better off with something more modest” and other more painful thoughts like “we don’t actually deserve this house”.
As if it shows we’re better off than we actually are. It’s too much, it’s too much.
Images of deciding, with then-husband, to sell it before we get stuck with a big bill. We will sell it and walk away and no longer be terrified of large expenses or big monthly mortgage payments. We’ll be relieved! It will be worth the pain!
Someone comes along who wants to buy this house, never even put it on the market, and things move quickly….
….“Wait. Nevermind! I didn’t mean it! We don’t really want to sell!” I want to cry. But I’m embarrassed to change my mind. I push through. I must be tough. It’s the “right” thing to do.
I didn’t lose it. I gave it away. I walked away from something wonderful, because I was too afraid.
Ugh. This is even MORE stressful.
I made a mistake.
Let’s do The Work!
Is it true, that I made a mistake in selling that beautiful house?
Yes, yes, yes. It was so amazing to find it. There were magical coincidences upon moving in. A car we bought turned out to be owned by a woman who grew up in that house, whose father built that house with his own hands. A famous local mountain climber.
Wow….we own his house? We didn’t even know it when we bought it! This is incredible! We are so lucky! What serendipity!
Pictures of the parties in that house move through my mind. The guests we invited to stay, the meetings–I was not ashamed to volunteer my house to have them in, the strangers we welcomed, the Christmas Eve annual breakfasts for tons of friends and family.
I made such a mistake. A horrible mistake. Surely that’s true?
Can I absolutely know this?
No.
I can’t know more than reality or God or all the mysterious forces involved. I can’t know it didn’t support the people who bought the house, my kids, the divorce in the future that happened only two years later, the collapse of everything that led to all that brought me to here where I am now.
How do I react when I believe “I made a mistake”.
It’s a crushing thought, when you believe it.
People believe they’ve lost relationships, family members, their country, money, jewelry, photos, precious mementos, jobs, houses, cars, reputations, their whole lives as they knew it….
….and they feel devastated.
I felt the flare up, after that very powerful afternoon when all the inquirers came over to do their precious work, as in my mind I remembered again that house.
Never will I get it back.
If only I had been more confident, more aware. If only I had had The Work at the time. I got the book Loving What Is when living in that house. Why couldn’t I have sat down and “done” The Work? Why did it seem too hard to follow? Too confusing and too complicated?
I feel desperate when I believe I made a mistake. Crushed by my own decisions. I did it. Responsible.
So who would I be without this vicious, difficult, despairing thought that I made a mistake? Without the belief I could have done it differently? Or that I want a do-over?
If I couldn’t have this story at all….what would it be like?
Without the thought that I made a mistake with money and gave up on staying in my own home?
I’d relax.
I’d settle down and let the silence of this moment hold me close.
I’d notice I have a cute little place to live, and that house I once lived in rarely comes to mind. I’d appreciate the visions and memories of being so young and agile, and willing to move about and walk away.
I’d enjoy that ultimately my desire is to be peaceful, and this life, like that house, is not “mine” in any permanent way.
I’d remember suddenly all the people I love, many of whom I had not seen in years, contributed to me getting back on my feet again only about 4-5 years later. I had solid evidence of the kindness of the world….and I would have missed this, without that previous experience.
I’d be aware of the incredible freedom of having very few things, of owning little, of starting one’s life all over again from scratch.
I’d remember, without the thought that I made a mistake, the moment quite a few years ago now, when I facilitated a lovely young woman who had lost her house she inherited and decorated with yellow curtains, and her pain and misery of self-inflicted anger. I’d remember how she came to me to question her deeply painful thought, and she helped me by honestly sharing her story.
Turning the thought around:
I did not make a mistake. I made a correction. “I” did not make any mistake. It was done for me, supporting me in an incredible adventure to self-inquiry and truth.
“Just keep on coming home to yourself. You are the one you’ve been waiting for.” ~ Byron Katie
I’m not waiting for a house to come back, or enough money, or the right job, or the perfect partner, or the great success story.
Only to question what I believe is true, when it hurts….
….and open up to a different world, without stories of loss and mistakes repeated over and over again like an alarm that won’t switch off.
Finally, my favorite and most astonishing part of all, when it comes to The Work. This other kind of turnaround:
I am willing to make the same kind of “mistake” again. To lose my house. To make what appears to be a “bad” decision. To think of myself as too small and unworthy. To choose to lower stress, remain out of debt, respect money, do what I think’s best even if I don’t know for sure, even if it means heartache.
Why not. It could happen. (Roseanne, Rosanna Danna).
But even more than being willing, how could I look forward to it!?!
Why is it a good thing I don’t live in that house now, and I made that correction which involved leaving it?
Sometimes, this takes some important concentration to begin. But here it comes, I can see the examples:
I don’t have to clean a big house, or vacuum all that carpet. There are no enormous expenses with a very tiny house like the one I live in now. When my kids are home, or family or friends are over, we’re all together in this little cottage, because there’s no other place to go. There was no suffering about who got that pretty house in the divorce. The people who moved in were thrilled.
Nothing changed in my location, I live so close by. It was very tucked away and isolated and dark, now I’m out in the bright open street facing south. Visitors to the old house had to park several blocks away and walk. I would have never lived here where I live now, and found this place where I can live all the rest of the days of my life into old lady age without ever moving or “downsizing” again.
I’ve had fabulous neighbors I would never have met.
I might have continued ever-thinking that houses are required for happiness.
Who would you be without your terribly painful thought that something or someone got away, and you lost it, or made the mistake that caused it to happen?
Perhaps feeling the abundance of what is permanent….which isn’t a thing or a person or a place or a condition. Excited for the taste of having nothing from this earth stay with me forever, which is where we’re all going eventually anyway.
Questioning that thought that I made a mistake, and lost something?
Priceless.
Much love,
Grace
P.S. If you notice a stressful thought or two or eight-hundred about money, join the 4 week money class.
I should be different when it comes to “x”. What if this isn’t true, for some important reason?
It’s weird how agonizing thoughts that conflict with one another can be sometimes.
On the one hand, I know it would be great to lift weights again. It’s been a few years. You’re supposed to lift weights when you get older, right? Build calcium or something?
On the other hand, how boring can you get…..lifting weights, ugh.
I remember being in a decision dilemma about my old job.
On the one hand, I’ve got great health care benefits, awesome co-workers and boss, nice environment (there’s a fountain named Grace on the campus, how sweet is that?) and a solid paycheck every two weeks.
On the other hand, I commute every day sometimes for an hour, I don’t have enough time for my other pursuits including my business, the actual work is kind of boring.
You could go this way.
Or you could go that way.
You’re free to make the decision. You’re completely and utterly free to do as you wish.
Or…..are you?
What if you feel uncomfortable or stuck, but for some weird reason, you do NOT make a move, or make a change?
What if you’re believing an underlying stressful story, and you’re not even brightly aware of the story?
(What if all you do is attack yourself viciously….why can’t you fix this, or move on, or stop thinking about it, wake up, get a grip, CHANGE?! Jeez! Fume, fume, fume.)
But what if there are a few things to explore and dig into under the surface, things you may find a little uncomfortable to address or even “see” in the first place, that all contribute to this stuck-ness you’re experiencing?
What if there was something that yelling at yourself was hiding?
For example….eating too much.
(I know, my favorite topic, what can I say….I was a nut case for years with eating).
You know you should lose weight, you know it doesn’t serve you to binge-eat, you know you need to stop starving yourself to death and then overeating, you know you need to quit the junk food at night….
….and you might even do The Work on some of the thoughts that appear, such as “I should lose weight” or “I need to eat that food” or “I should go outside and exercise” or “I’m a loser” and find the turnarounds and notice, nothing changes.
Not that there’s anything wrong with doing The Work on those powerful and stressful beliefs.
However….your mind may be brilliantly distracting you with these first thoughts that appear. The ways to FIX this situation. It’s off the to races on what you need to do, say, think, feel in order to change this (especially the “do” part), without really looking deeply at what’s actually going on for you.
So of course, when you fall into this “FIX IT NOW” way of viewing your problem, when you have urgency and fear about your situation or condition, the weird thing is often when there are underlying beliefs that oppose the surface beliefs…..not much may change.
Fear kind of has a way of blocking things from sight. Clever energy, fear.
I speak for myself.
Some time ago, as I’ve mentioned before, I had a raging eating disorder.
Can you imagine how many times I said “I am going to stop this” (starving, overeating, binge-eating)? Yes. about a million.
It was not until someone very wise got to know me, and cared about me, and suggested I might be adapting to something completely different that had nothing to do with food and eating….that I began to consider what it was like to be close with people.
What was I afraid of, that overrode the desire to stop the insane cycle of eating the way I did?
What was the worst that could happen, if I DID stop binge-eating?
You might ask yourself a similar question, even if you don’t have an eating issue: What’s the WORST that could happen if I quit my job, do what I want to do, leave home, start a business, go to the gym, write every day, lose weight, quit drinking coffee?
But those things are all soooooo wonderful. I should do them, it will be good for me, I’ll succeed.
Are you absolutely sure?
Long ago, I discovered that I was actually nauseated to confront someone in my group therapy and tell the truth and speak directly to them about what I wasn’t comfortable with. If someone confronts me, I still feel anxious initially, even now.
If someone says what they don’t like, and I’ve done it, I feel terrified of disappointing them. I feel frightened they’ll attack me, or slink away and never talk with me again.
I was so very committed to NOT BEING A DISRUPTIVE or MEAN or UNLIKABLE or REJECTABLE person, I would do anything, including not actually have friends and eat in secret instead.
Anything to avoid being dismissed or disliked. Anything to get rid of anger and rage (overeating really helped, and vomiting too). Anything to slip under the radar of the judgments of others (namely, mom, dad, grandparents). Anything to stay as safe as possible, in an unsafe, judging world.
Including risk my life by stuffing myself with food and forcing myself to vomit or exercise like a maniac.
You might not have such an extreme case of avoidant beliefs, but if you have something you keep repeating, or don’t act upon, or don’t do even though you know you’d feel happier (you think) or some way you procrastinate, hurt yourself, avoid action….
….there may be a very important frightening story you’d kinda sorta rather not look at, if you please.
But looking will make all the difference.
Not long ago, I realized I have been carrying the thought around “if I stop and slow down, it could be dangerous (money loss, failure, boredom, lack of creativity, fading into oblivion). So I really need to keep up this pace and work all the time. No extra meditations. No reading for pleasure. No netflix. No movies. Morning coffee required.
Who would I be without that story?
“Your suffering may be caused by a thought that interprets what happened, rather than the thought you wrote down….When your statement is about something you think you don’t want, read it and imagine the worst outcome that reality could hand you. Imagine your worst fears lived out on paper. Be thorough. Take it to the limit.” ~ Byron Katie in Loving What Is
This work is not always easy. I notice, there’s sometimes initial resistance and refusal inside me to want to look.
It’s like…..NOOOOOOOOO.
And then, when there’s no other alternative (there isn’t, unless I prefer to suffer)…..The Work.
Much love,
Grace
P.S. One spot just opened up in the Eating Peace Retreat–a cancellation. If eating, food or your body image is one of your dilemmas, we’re going in to find out what we’re believing, and what’s really true. Join me January 19-22 in Seattle. To find out more, visit here.
P.P.S. If money is a problem, I’m doing a 4 week money class by donation. To read about it and to sign up, visit here.
Are thoughts about money swirling around your brain? Time to inquire.
This week, I’ve taken time off to be with family and to go hiking in the dark misty rainy deep forests of the Pacific Northwest.
My computer stopped working one day. Giving me more time to be in silence, and to look at my thoughts about “working” and how important I think it is.
It coincidentally happens to be the time in Year of Inquiry where we look at money, during Month Five.
Money. What a topic of ups and downs, highs and lows, success and failure, fear and joy.
But that one deep belief, so simple really: I need more money….oh so tricky and persistent.
At least for me.
I’ve shared about the depths of my crash in the past. (Several Grace Notes include this powerful time that apparently happened and one of the pieces is right here).
As I put together my webinar about doing The Work on money for the Year of Inquiry peeps, I was reminded again of how powerful my thoughts have been about money….
….and needing it.
And again, one of my favorite questions about this money investigation: What would I have, if I had it?
What do I really believe money gives me? What is dangerous about Not Having it?
How fascinating, the mind comes up with answers almost instantly, without question (even though I’ve “done” the work on this before).
If you have money, here’s what you get:
security
protection
health care
comfort
fun
entertainment
admiration
belonging
ability to be generous
creativity
What this means, if you don’t have money (or not enough money, in your opinion) is that you do NOT have these things, or they are threatened.
How great to have this out in the open. Because then, you can question all these concepts to see if they are in fact true!
Are you absolutely sure that if money is not present, not “yours” that you don’t have enough security, protection, health care, comfort, fun, entertainment, admiration, belonging, ability to be generous, creativity, etc, etc?
You need more of those things, or to guarantee them later on, in the future.
Is that true?
Hmmm.
It seems like to have a happy life, I might need that list.
Although, as I answer the question (is it true?) I can’t be sure. I’m not even sure money brings you those things. (LOL, it doesn’t guarantee any of them).
I was thinking the other day I need more money (to buy a better car, to get better health care, to travel).
You need a better car, better health care, and to travel…..why is that, Grace?
Um. Because. It would be more fun, secure and easy?
True?
Right now I am sitting in a chair feeling fine health-wise. I’m in tip top shape and don’t need to see a doctor, as far as I know. I have no reason to go. I notice also, in this moment, my car works beautifully even though to some it might be called “old” (the year 2000). It is not broken, and it’s warm, light, clean and comfortable and drives me everywhere. Today I went hiking in the woods and was reminded of the Lord of The Rings adventures. It’s like that 45 minutes from my house, in the misty land of the elves.
It’s not TRUE that I “need” more money, or to do any of the things I think more money would bring, in order to be happy at this moment.
How do I react when I believe I need more money?
I get stressed out! I think about working harder, longer hours, doing it better. I start to think what I’ve done already to earn money isn’t good enough (obviously, otherwise I’d be done thinking I need more)! I see pictures of the future of me working when I’m very old and wrinkled and almost 100 years old. No rest, ever!
So who would I be without this thought I need more money? Or without the thought I need any of the things money buys? Or that these things would bring me happiness?
LOL.
Holy Moly!!
I would notice how happy I am right now at this moment. How cozy and warm, how I’m sitting at a laptop computer which I bought myself.
“Has there ever been a time in your entire life when you have not had enough money, when you have not had all of your needs met?” ~ Byron Katie asking the audience
I can’t remember a time when the way it turned out, I needed more money. At least not to be safe, secure, loved, healthy, cared for, or to have fun. I had all those things, with the exact amount of money I had.
There was a time when I needed more money (I thought), and it came to me what to do that day, and the next, and I kept going. It would have been OK if I had no idea what to do, and I wound up living in my mother’s basement. Then I would have been warm, fed, and content THERE.
My suffering was in my thoughts…..not in reality, my body, my heart, other people near me, my spirit.
Without my thoughts about needing more money, I notice this present moment, and there is absolutely no problem.
Maybe you have a piece of paper with numbers on it, and writing says BILL PAST DUE.
Is it the end of the world that you can’t pay? Is it a tragedy that you’re moving out of your house? Are you lying down and starving to death because you lost your job? Does no one care about you because you don’t have x, y or z?
Are you completely safe and secure at all times because you do have a, b, and c?
No.
Turning the thoughts around about needing more money: I need more of ME. I need more of my own sane thinking. I need LESS money.
Let’s look at these turnarounds: I need more of myself, of my own sane thinking.
Yes, right in any given moment I’m thinking I need more money, I can remember it is not required for happiness, safety, enlightenment or love. “Skip the middleman” says Katie. I can almost feel giddy by looking at whatever this thing is called “me”. This attention to “I”. The inner, mysterious feeling of being alive, being only this. Of giving attention to the thing that will last forever, beyond this body.
I need more of my own thinking. Sure….especially the depths of inquiry which appears to require a type of wonderful open-minded thinking.
Rather than needing more money, I might need more kindness, trust, acceptance, sharing and joy in this moment. I can relax. I can be. I am being, already. How astonishing to notice I do not need anything more right here and now. Love, kindness, acceptance, sharing and joy appear, if I look at how the carpet warms the room, the bookshelf shines joyfully, the empty water glass waits in service.
How exquisite to not even feel interested in more money, now that I’m in deeper contact with this moment.
How incredible to wonder, if the universe is friendly, could it be supporting me to feel truth and love in this moment here, now….without needing any more money than I actually have?
Just….wow.
I need this amount of money. This is just right, for me. To learn to feel joy, outside of the story of “More Money”….what a powerful gift.
What an incredible, different, new, wonderful story….and maybe not so new. Maybe inspired in me by others who also questioned this story of money before me, and found a new exciting path of letting go.
Letting go into a infinite source of support.
What if what you truly want more of is already here in infinite supply? Not wishful thinking, not hopeful thinking, not religious thinking, not “right” thinking, not positive thinking.
Only infinite mysterious wild brightness.
Strange, I know. I notice this mind seems to *think* it loves answers and simple ideas, like “I need more money” to be true, so it knows what to do next and what to avoid and what might happen.
But it really has no idea.
(It’s OK that it has no idea, everything’s gonna be fine, don’t worry).
“If you look to others for fulfillment, you will never truly be fulfilled. If your happiness depends on money, you will never be happy with yourself. Be content with what you have; rejoice in the way things are. When you realize there is nothing lacking, the whole world belongs to you.” ~ Tao Te Ching #44
The annual money class will begin again in early 2017. Stay tuned for the announcement of when it will run. If you’ve been waiting excitedly for this like me (it will be an 8 week class I teach annually, by donation) then hit reply and give me your favorite time of day and I’ll consider it, if it works with my schedule.
I would also love it if you shared Grace Notes with others and let them know they can sign up for free at www.workwithgrace.com.
Have you ever had the thought, while looking at your bank account statement….
….this isn’t enough?
Haw.
Almost laughable to ask the question. Because it seems like everyone’s had this thought!
But when you really think about it….
….it’s a weird thought.
It’s all murky and foggy and has a never-ending feel to it and it can’t be proven true. A big blanket abstract thought. A generalized, common, broad thought. A very stressful thought that brings a lot of suffering
And a completely acceptable thought.
As in….of COURSE you should have the thought this isn’t enough.
Now, we’re talking about money, but pick your thing there isn’t enough of and follow along with this inquiry.
Love, enlightenment, wisdom, health, pleasure
Because it’s unusual to question it. We often just assume it’s true.
In the past, when I had this thought from time to time about money, I honestly had no full regard for why I had the thought, how I arrived at this thought, when I started believing this thought.
It was just a reactive experience I picked up:
I need more. Duh.
Danger Zone. More is better. Danger Zone. I’ll have to pay. Danger Zone. I’ll lose what I have. Danger Zone. The future is NOT bright.
So let’s explore. You’ll love this investigation about money, no matter how much you have, if you’ve ever wished for more and felt a little nervous…..or scared out of your mind.
First of all, when you look at that number, that pile, that quantity of money, you immediately go into what it is supposed to support and cover and get spent on, right.
You may have a general sense of the flow of money going in, going out, what the mortgage or rent bill is, what the utilities are every month, what you generally spend on groceries for your household, gas, transportation, clothing, bus fare, your annual meditation retreat, one plane ticket, a local art class, gifts, toothpaste.
But what if something terrible happens?
What if I lose my health care benefits? What if I can’t work anymore? What if someone sues me? What if someone steals it? What if I make a poor investment?
I gotta keep this, in a bucket, in a safe, under the mattress, in a special safe-deposit box with a key and about eight password codes and security guards.
What I noticed was….I did not find it very peaceful to worry about money. I did not find it peaceful to wish the quantity was bigger than it was, or that it remained at a certain number, or never got lower than “x”.
I wanted freedom.
I noticed I was not free, in that moment of thinking “this isn’t enough”, even with some money in my savings.
Well….for me, I had to lose it all first (almost all) before being willing to find freedom. You might want to inquire a little earlier. Just a suggestion.
So. You don’t have enough.
Is that true?
Yes. Oh yes. I would be so much happier with 10 times more than the amount I have, I’m sure this is true.
Wait, make that 100.
I would feel safe with more money. This isn’t quite enough. If anything happened…..
Is that really, absolutely true?
Is it absolutely true I’d be better off keeping my ginormous-mortgage house? Is it absolutely true I need to use money to go to retreats? Is it absolutely true I need money to pay for broken things, lawyers, or accidents in the future? Is it absolutely true I need extra money right now, in this moment?
But.
A car could crash through my front living room picture window. I saw it in the movies.
Ten years ago when I sat on my worn-to-a-pulp brown faux leather 1960s couch believing I needed more money in that moment, I thought….
…..well maybe not right now, since I’m breathing and fed and comfortable….
….but it could happen. I need to be prepared.
(Don’t even THINK about buying a new couch. Remember the money!!)
Who would you be without this belief, though? Without believing in needing more, in being prepared, in working and saving up and hoarding, er, I mean storing, money, so you can relax….later?
Deep breath.
Hold still a moment.
What if you didn’t believe there isn’t enough, or won’t be?
Look around.
Oh. I’d feel….curious. Relaxed.
I’d feel joy.
I wouldn’t count the money I have, over and over.
I’d feel so grateful for the amount I have, it’s just the right amount. It prevents too much retreat-going or self-help shopping. It allows me to say “no” clearly to my kids or others.
“Yes” and “No” are both free to be spoken. It’s efficient. I love paying for what I need, and if there’s leftovers, having fun with it or saving it for fun, too. I love supporting myself in what makes life precious, and exciting, like my meditation retreat.
Wow.
Turning the thought around to the opposite: this is enough.
Obviously. I’m not dead.
I’m quite able to relax. I have enough to survive, and always have.
My thinking isn’t enough, that’s what isn’t enough. I don’t have enough of “me”. I don’t have enough friendliness, love and affection for myself. I don’t have enough gentleness and trust towards the universe. I don’t have enough humor, zest, pizazz and lightness for myself, me, this, my thoughts, my future, my precious life.
Especially when it comes to money.
What if right in this very moment, it was enough? Nothing missing?
Ahhhhhhhhhh.
“I have learned that to be with those I like is enough”. ~ Walt Whitman
Can I like myself, and this moment?
Yes.
And if I don’t…..The Work.
If you need to get by with a little help from some friends (including your own thoughts), join the October retreat in Seattle. Four days of inquiry. It’s awesome.
Last night I went to test out the gorgeous big-screen at the lodge where we’ll be watching Being With Byron Katie and moving into silence in between all sessions starting on Saturday.
Wow.
The internet connection worked beautifully, and I felt thrilled to be one of the people about to enter listening-only-mode with Byron Katie as she teaches from Switzerland.
I feel so lucky.
This retreat has space for 2 more people. I operate this one at a non-profit level, which sometimes brings up a few thoughts about MONEY.
ARRGGG, will it never end?!
(You’ll see in a sec what I’m talking about, when it comes to the “arrggg” part around money).
What the non-profit deal means, is everyone attending pays the small rate of $165 for attending one, two, three or all four days with Katie. If you have to leave, or miss any days, then included in your registration is free access to the recordings through August 31st.
Everyone who attends gets to sign up for viewing time, on their own, from their own home, using my log-in. It takes some scheduling prowess because we can only have one person logged in at a time, but we have full permission and an awesome scheduler. It worked fabulously last year.
So back to the money part I mentioned.
As in non-profit.
Now, as of today, I am sooooooo OK with this retreat with the money part.
Because why?
Because I am not losing money, so reality is going my way (ha ha).
All my expenses have now been reimbursed. I’ve put many hours into arranging it, planning it, organizing people, answering questions….and not put any financial expectation on the working hours required to pull the event together. As in, no money expected for the organizing of this retreat.
However, when I put the payment down on the lodge I rent for retreats here in Seattle, for 5 nights, it felt like a pretty major kaplunk of moolah. Almost $2000 for the lodge rental alone.
There’s a streaming fee of course ($250). Then there are Judge Your Neighbor worksheet copies, a white board and pens, post-it notes, and other small expenses. A few internet fees. Some posting fees for the event announcements.
Even though I know by now, events happen, people show up, it always works out (especially when I have The Work)….
….it’s still scary for that part of me that cares so much about money and prefers more coming in than going out.
Ugh. So much thinking, worrying, wondering about money.
These thoughts move like a stuck tape loop. Needing more money, losing money, not having enough money.
(Will these kinds of thoughts never end during my lifetime?)
How they show up this time, in this situation around this event, are like an old set of flies buzzing around, softening sometimes, rising up again.
They sound like this:
If I charged more, I’d at least pay myself back for all the work. This isn’t fruitful to offer this as a volunteer project. Just because I’m not teaching, doesn’t mean I shouldn’t make money for my time involved. Oh no….if this keeps up, I’ll lose money on this retreat! I am NOT doing this next year. No one understands how awesome this is. People shouldn’t write me to ask for scholarships. I should have more confidence about this retreat. People don’t understand how cool this event is or how insanely cheap compared to live events with Byron Katie. Maybe its so cheap it reduces the awareness of the value. No one realizes they can watch what they miss after the event, without extra cost. I’ve done all this work for nothing. It’s too much work. See #1, loop back. Repeat.
Over and over again, the same kinds of thoughts.
Why not take a look, see what’s left of these annoying beliefs?
More money should come in. I should be paid for effort (I’m somehow NOT being paid).
Is this true?
Yes. Yes. It really would be better to feel compensated for everything. It would be better to earn something, have money coming in. Not breaking even. Breaking even is not good enough!
Are you absolutely sure?
No. No idea. Ha ha.
I look around and notice, I’m absolutely fine. Thriving, enjoying myself, enough to eat, place to live, good business, people coming and excited for this amazing retreat.
How do I react when I think I should have some kind of pay back? That the money isn’t “worth” it, not enough, too low?
Pissy. Annoyed.
Bad attitude. Treating money like I know better, bossing it around.
Nervous. Thinking about NEXT YEAR of all things, when this soon-to-be event hasn’t even happened yet THIS year.
Wildly flailing in the future. Thinking about my bank account. So concerned with enough-ness and deciding this isn’t it.
So who would I be without this belief, though? What if I had no idea, no argument with what is, when it comes to money?
Huh.
You mean….money can do whatever it does, and I don’t mind? Like, I don’t even KNOW it’s doing something uncomfortable, or not good enough?
Yes.
Woah.
I guess I would be noticing how excited I am for this retreat, to spend 4 days listening, instead of talking or teaching or facilitating or expected to lead one single session.
Noticing how relaxed I am right now, in the beautiful summer weather. Breathing deeply. Feeling the amount of money I have and thinking “enough”. Stopping the comparison, pushing, wondering, wishing, wanting….altogether.
No wanting something different.
An amazing relaxed, curious, sweet feeling of being with this present moment. Noticing how fun money is, and it’s enough the way it is. Like this moment.
Turning the thoughts around….
No charging more is required. I am already paid back for my work with joy, connection with others. Plus all the money I’ve spent is reimbursed. This IS fruitful as a volunteer project. Because I’m not teaching, it’s OK to not make money. Oh no….if this keeps up, I’ll gain sanity on this retreat! I have no idea about next year, I’m open to it. All the right and perfect people understand how awesome this is. Maybe I’m the one who doesn’t. People should write me to ask for scholarships, it’s wonderful and gives me ideas for doing this in the future. I already have great confidence about this retreat, and I’m feeling more. I could make a scholarship fund for this event. People totally understand how cool this event is and how cheap compared to live events with Byron Katie. I have reduced my own awareness of the value here by being concerned with money. People realize just what they need to realize, and so do I. I’ve done all this work for so much. I am rewarded with love, insights from Katie. I’ll get to enjoy the retreat. It is NOT too much work. For all I know, I’ll become aware of an incredible realization in these four days ahead.
How could the money be doing exactly the right thing, in the right amount, for me….for others….for Seattle….for the world?
Why not?
This could be the most perfect, brilliant, lovely four days for me, and I don’t have to buy any plane tickets or spend anything more than I have, or go to Europe to see Byron Katie in person. I get to be with all these amazing people coming to attend to their minds….with a passionate interest in freedom.
I get to hear one of the world’s gifted teachers of peace, and hardly have to leave my own home.
Wow. Such a deal.
“I’ve never seen a work or money problem that didn’t turn out to be a thinking problem. I used to believe that I needed money to be happy. Even when I had a lot, I was often sick with the fear that something terrible would happen and I would lose it. I realize now that no amount of money is worth that kind of stress.” ~ Byron Katie
No LACK of money is worth that kind of stress either.
I notice right now, in this moment, I’d rather be free than right about money, profit, income, being paid, being compensated.
How do I know I shouldn’t be making MORE in this event?
I’m not.
Much love,
Grace
P.S. It’s been a few years, but I created a full webinar on money, and questioning what I call a “Belief Cluster” of thoughts about money we commonly believe, all of which bring terrible stress. If you’d like to watch it, click here.
I love when people ask me to write about topics.
I’ve been deep immersed in Eating Peace retreat. We stay together all day, even for meals, so we’re either doing The Work, or eating together, sharing in circle together, or walking in silence, or connecting honestly to our own movement and bodies through dance (yes!), or watching Katie on video, from morning until bedtime.
Have you ever had the thought, while looking at your bank account statement….