Last night I went to test out the gorgeous big-screen at the lodge where we’ll be watching Being With Byron Katie and moving into silence in between all sessions starting on Saturday.
Wow.
The internet connection worked beautifully, and I felt thrilled to be one of the people about to enter listening-only-mode with Byron Katie as she teaches from Switzerland.
I feel so lucky.
This retreat has space for 2 more people. I operate this one at a non-profit level, which sometimes brings up a few thoughts about MONEY.
ARRGGG, will it never end?!
(You’ll see in a sec what I’m talking about, when it comes to the “arrggg” part around money).
What the non-profit deal means, is everyone attending pays the small rate of $165 for attending one, two, three or all four days with Katie. If you have to leave, or miss any days, then included in your registration is free access to the recordings through August 31st.
Everyone who attends gets to sign up for viewing time, on their own, from their own home, using my log-in. It takes some scheduling prowess because we can only have one person logged in at a time, but we have full permission and an awesome scheduler. It worked fabulously last year.
So back to the money part I mentioned.
As in non-profit.
Now, as of today, I am sooooooo OK with this retreat with the money part.
Because why?
Because I am not losing money, so reality is going my way (ha ha).
All my expenses have now been reimbursed. I’ve put many hours into arranging it, planning it, organizing people, answering questions….and not put any financial expectation on the working hours required to pull the event together. As in, no money expected for the organizing of this retreat.
However, when I put the payment down on the lodge I rent for retreats here in Seattle, for 5 nights, it felt like a pretty major kaplunk of moolah. Almost $2000 for the lodge rental alone.
There’s a streaming fee of course ($250). Then there are Judge Your Neighbor worksheet copies, a white board and pens, post-it notes, and other small expenses. A few internet fees. Some posting fees for the event announcements.
Even though I know by now, events happen, people show up, it always works out (especially when I have The Work)….
….it’s still scary for that part of me that cares so much about money and prefers more coming in than going out.
Ugh. So much thinking, worrying, wondering about money.
These thoughts move like a stuck tape loop. Needing more money, losing money, not having enough money.
(Will these kinds of thoughts never end during my lifetime?)
How they show up this time, in this situation around this event, are like an old set of flies buzzing around, softening sometimes, rising up again.
They sound like this:
If I charged more, I’d at least pay myself back for all the work. This isn’t fruitful to offer this as a volunteer project. Just because I’m not teaching, doesn’t mean I shouldn’t make money for my time involved. Oh no….if this keeps up, I’ll lose money on this retreat! I am NOT doing this next year. No one understands how awesome this is. People shouldn’t write me to ask for scholarships. I should have more confidence about this retreat. People don’t understand how cool this event is or how insanely cheap compared to live events with Byron Katie. Maybe its so cheap it reduces the awareness of the value. No one realizes they can watch what they miss after the event, without extra cost. I’ve done all this work for nothing. It’s too much work. See #1, loop back. Repeat.
Over and over again, the same kinds of thoughts.
Why not take a look, see what’s left of these annoying beliefs?
More money should come in. I should be paid for effort (I’m somehow NOT being paid).
Is this true?
Yes. Yes. It really would be better to feel compensated for everything. It would be better to earn something, have money coming in. Not breaking even. Breaking even is not good enough!
Are you absolutely sure?
No. No idea. Ha ha.
I look around and notice, I’m absolutely fine. Thriving, enjoying myself, enough to eat, place to live, good business, people coming and excited for this amazing retreat.
How do I react when I think I should have some kind of pay back? That the money isn’t “worth” it, not enough, too low?
Pissy. Annoyed.
Bad attitude. Treating money like I know better, bossing it around.
Nervous. Thinking about NEXT YEAR of all things, when this soon-to-be event hasn’t even happened yet THIS year.
Wildly flailing in the future. Thinking about my bank account. So concerned with enough-ness and deciding this isn’t it.
So who would I be without this belief, though? What if I had no idea, no argument with what is, when it comes to money?
Huh.
You mean….money can do whatever it does, and I don’t mind? Like, I don’t even KNOW it’s doing something uncomfortable, or not good enough?
Yes.
Woah.
I guess I would be noticing how excited I am for this retreat, to spend 4 days listening, instead of talking or teaching or facilitating or expected to lead one single session.
Noticing how relaxed I am right now, in the beautiful summer weather. Breathing deeply. Feeling the amount of money I have and thinking “enough”. Stopping the comparison, pushing, wondering, wishing, wanting….altogether.
No wanting something different.
An amazing relaxed, curious, sweet feeling of being with this present moment. Noticing how fun money is, and it’s enough the way it is. Like this moment.
Turning the thoughts around….
No charging more is required. I am already paid back for my work with joy, connection with others. Plus all the money I’ve spent is reimbursed. This IS fruitful as a volunteer project. Because I’m not teaching, it’s OK to not make money. Oh no….if this keeps up, I’ll gain sanity on this retreat! I have no idea about next year, I’m open to it. All the right and perfect people understand how awesome this is. Maybe I’m the one who doesn’t. People should write me to ask for scholarships, it’s wonderful and gives me ideas for doing this in the future. I already have great confidence about this retreat, and I’m feeling more. I could make a scholarship fund for this event. People totally understand how cool this event is and how cheap compared to live events with Byron Katie. I have reduced my own awareness of the value here by being concerned with money. People realize just what they need to realize, and so do I. I’ve done all this work for so much. I am rewarded with love, insights from Katie. I’ll get to enjoy the retreat. It is NOT too much work. For all I know, I’ll become aware of an incredible realization in these four days ahead.
How could the money be doing exactly the right thing, in the right amount, for me….for others….for Seattle….for the world?
Why not?
This could be the most perfect, brilliant, lovely four days for me, and I don’t have to buy any plane tickets or spend anything more than I have, or go to Europe to see Byron Katie in person. I get to be with all these amazing people coming to attend to their minds….with a passionate interest in freedom.
I get to hear one of the world’s gifted teachers of peace, and hardly have to leave my own home.
Wow. Such a deal.
“I’ve never seen a work or money problem that didn’t turn out to be a thinking problem. I used to believe that I needed money to be happy. Even when I had a lot, I was often sick with the fear that something terrible would happen and I would lose it. I realize now that no amount of money is worth that kind of stress.” ~ Byron Katie
No LACK of money is worth that kind of stress either.
I notice right now, in this moment, I’d rather be free than right about money, profit, income, being paid, being compensated.
How do I know I shouldn’t be making MORE in this event?
I’m not.
Much love,
Grace
P.S. It’s been a few years, but I created a full webinar on money, and questioning what I call a “Belief Cluster” of thoughts about money we commonly believe, all of which bring terrible stress. If you’d like to watch it, click here.