There’s a feast coming, a big event, a meal, a dinner, a soiree, a party.
Food will be there. In abundant quantities.
The way I always used to experience the feast, and the anticipation of it?
I’ll either white-knuckle control myself through it (and plan exactly what I’m going to eat beforehand)….OR….I’ll eat whatever I damn well please and gorge myself on whatever’s there.
There’s really another option besides these two.
We don’t have to fight a war.
Who would you be without the belief that you can’t relax in the presence of food, or eating, or other people eating, or people?
What if you felt mixed feelings, and you could STILL relax?
What if ultimately, being at a feast is not a huge wild overwhelming problem?
“The mind is like a friend. It comes to be questioned…As the assumptions come in, we can question them. I can’t control my mind, but I can question it. It leaves me in a place of curiosity. I don’t have to worry about it. I love the noticing. I notice thoughts about the past, I notice thoughts about the future. It’s such a privilege to be aware. I notice images of the past, future. But they aren’t real. Noticing what’s real and what’s not, it leaves mind at home with itself. Noticing, noticing, noticing.” ~ Byron Katie
Much love,
Grace
P.S. My one retreat all year on eating peace. A life-changing event, to experience peace with eating for 5.5 days, and work with the mind. Jan 9-14, 2019. Out-of-town people can reserve a room at the retreat house.
Yesterday late morning on the last day of retreat, a beautiful group of inquirers shared hugs, goodbyes, gratitudes, I-love-you’s, phone number exchanges, photos.
The joy of a circle of people gathered for several days to inquire together from morning until night is an experience strangely impossible to explain.
Part of the power of gathering, I thought to myself, is the presence of questions, rather than teachings. Each person is their own guru, their own guide, their own closest companion.
They find their own troubling situations, recalling them vividly, and then hold still long enough to examine them very closely, like looking under a microscope at what they believed to be true in that situation–because of that situation.
To make it simple, we begin our time together with one situation we’ve found difficult. Only one. We don’t need to make it more complicated, as the mind can so brilliantly do.
I see the images from the past 5 days now in my own mind’s eye: mother deeply connected to her son who died last year, sister open to her brother who said “no”, wife who doesn’t feel so harsh about her husband’s habits, man less frightened of environmental destruction or war, woman excited about new possibilities with her sister and mother, woman seeing the benefits of staying with her current partner, or not.
There are no plans. There is no agenda. There is no special format for what is next.
And yet after The Work, we sense there’s something different, something changed, from doing nothing but sitting in inquiry.
I love how this happens.
We’ve allowed ourselves to sit with our most despairing, disappointing, heart-breaking moments….
….and instead of closing off to them, pushing them down or trying to “be positive”….
….we look with the four questions.
And we’ve done it all day for several days in a row with companions doing the very same thing.
Beginning with Question One:
Is it true, what I’m thinking about my mother?
Is it true, this thought about my husband?
is it true, this belief I repeat internally about my sister?
Is it true, this sadness I have about my brother?
Question Two: Can I absolutely know for sure my thought is true about them?
Question Three: How do I react when I think my stressful thought? When I remember that rough thing that happened, or those words they said, or when I picture them being themselves and it brings me such uncertainty and worry, or I anticipate the very worst happening in the future?
How do I react? I’m nervous. I’m fearful. Maybe even panicked. I’m sad. I’m desperate. I’m frantic. I’m trying to find relief. I feel hatred, anger, sadness.
I notice I’m suffering.
Then comes Question Four: WHO or WHAT would it be like if I did NOT have this thought running through my head as I remember this person I feel close to? What if I didn’t think my story was 100% true? Who would I be without this belief?
What if I paused, relaxed, and looked at that poignant memory or relationship without starting to panic, or complain?
What if everything is in order, I am not in charge, and most importantly, me not being in charge is actually the Way of It and a good thing?
LOL.
At the very end in closing yesterday, a thought flashed through my head that I played the “wrong” version of a song for everyone during a meditative exercise. The version I played was more boisterous and not as soft and contemplative.
And then the awareness….next time perhaps I will play the version I find more slow and gentle, and this time it was important to play THIS version.
Because that’s what happened.
I don’t even need to know why or how it happened the way it did. I don’t need to put any meaning on it. Or tell myself I should have remembered the “better” version or that I’m too disorganized.
Even if I have a commentary running like this, I know it’s not true. It’s a chatterbox running in the corner. It’s the mind, doing what it does: offering up ideas, analyzing, seeking improvement, taking command, staying busy (it thinks it needs to).
Last step, after the Four Questions: We turn our thoughts around and look at them again.
The way it went with that person was OK. Even perfect.
Could this be just as true, or truer?
It’s certainly more fun to wonder this.
Perhaps the drinking husband, the school drop-out, the dismissive brother, the critical sister, the judgmental mother, the beautiful son no longer in his body….
….perhaps the way it went had an unimaginable benefit.
Perhaps we shouldn’t toy with it mentally to the extent we want to toy with it. Perhaps there are very good reasons for it going the way it’s gone.
Turning it around again: Could my thinking be off? Could I be the distant one, the addicted one (to my thoughts), the one who died, the one who criticized, the one who judged?
Didn’t I do all these things to others, and to myself?
“You can’t let go of a stressful thought, because you didn’t create it in the first place. A thought just appears. You’re not doing it. You can’t let go of what you have no control over. Once you’ve questioned the thought, you don’t let go of it, it lets go of you.” ~ Byron Katie
Thank you everyone who questions their stressful thinking with me. The adventure is thrilling. The gratitude is deep.
(Last I heard there were three spots left in the Breitenbush Retreat, another opportunity for immersion in The Work June 13-17 in Oregon. If you’d like to soak in inquiry and see what happens, join us).
But even if you never go to a retreat, you can do this work today.
All it takes is sitting down, with pen and paper, a quiet segment of time….and your answers to the four questions.
Much love,
Grace
June 3rd East West Books on healing eating issues with self-inquiry 1-4 pm. Also June 10th last half-day retreat of the year Living Inquiries Group 2-6 pm (last one of the year).
One of the wonders of doing The Work so often with others in my life is how moving it is that people are willing to share their innermost thoughts.
And NOT the “good”, kind, gentle, mature thoughts.
The thoughts where we go in The Work are the painful, embarrassing, shameful, aggressive, completely irrational or immature thoughts running through our heads.
Thoughts like these:
they hate me
I can’t succeed
she loves someone else more than me
I made a mistake
I’m a terrible mom/friend/partner/daughter
he took my stuff
they don’t listen to me
he should do what I say
I need to know what to do
It seems we all have these kinds of thoughts.
It’s so touching when people are willing, vulnerable, ready to speak all the thoughts they feel so terrible about thinking OUT LOUD. Or to write them all down on paper.
Last night we began an 8 week adventure into Parenting, and doing The Work on our thoughts about our kids. (We’ll be doing The Work on our own parents too, during this course, as well as many kinds of common moments of angst with our children–no matter how old they are)!
As I hung up the line knowing 14 people are in this course, all who are so very deeply interested in examining their beliefs about child-raising….
….I had a familiar moment of deep, deep gratitude.
I get to hang out with people who are entirely aware that their beliefs–unless they’re questioned–drive their words, feelings, actions, behaviors, facial expressions, inner commentary.
And they know something is occasionally (or often) “off” with their thinking. Because they feel BAD.
Funny how just the very idea of NOT being alone in our stressful thinking is so….
….encouraging.
This acceptance alone is the nectar we often need to keep moving in The Work.
“She is a friend of mind. She gather me, man. The pieces I am, she gather them and give them back to me in all the right order. It’s good, you know, when you got a woman who is a friend of your mind.” ~ Toni Morrison
Who would we be without the painful story that we’re uniquely wrong, we made a mistake, we’re unlovable, we have something missing that others don’t, or our thoughts are extra sick, mean, terrible?
We’d be gathered together, in this powerful work called self-inquiry, noticing what’s really true and what isn’t.
With a little help from some friends—other humans, who also “think”.
Which is all the more why I’m so absolutely thrilled to gather in six days for the annual Spring Retreat Seattle May 16-20 (we start Weds evening) and then again for retreat at Breitenbush from June 13-17 (with the lovely and experienced Todd Smith).
Is it time for Spring Mental Cleaning?
Come join the shared honesty, camaraderie, fascination, curiosity, clarity, awareness, truth-telling, laughter, inspiration.
Room for 1 more at the Seattle retreat in 6 days–a room at the retreat house has opened up, so if you want to, you can reserve it and stay onsite.
Room for 5 more at Breitenbush in June.
Most of all, find someone who can hear you, and do The Work with them. Trade back and forth with your facilitation. There’s nothing like having a person who can listen openly to your mind.
It gives such a deep practice of acceptance, it’s you who listens. You then become your own best friend. A friend to your own thinking.
they love me
I can succeed
I love someone else more than me
I made a correction
I’m a wonderful mom/friend/partner/daughter
he didn’t take my stuff, and it isn’t “mine”
they do listen to me
he shouldn’t do what I say
I don’t need to know what to do
What could be better than not thinking painful thoughts….are true?
“Together we can do so much.” ~ Helen Keller
Much love,
Grace
P.S. I just returned from facilitating–for the first time–a Strategic Planning Retreat for a small tech company. I really can’t wait to tell you all about it. Can you imagine Strategic Planning in business PLUS doing sincere inquiry around stressful status of the business? Wow. More soon.
I’m sitting as the sun sets on the weekend, watching the yellow-then-rose colored sky over the fence and tall laurel hedge across the street at the neighbor’s house.
I am touched so deeply by the sincerity and willingness of the people who recently filled this little cottage living room to question their thoughts.
Some were brand new to The Work. They had never written out a Judge Your Neighbor worksheet before.
Some were School for The Work graduates who have been questioning their thoughts for years.
It doesn’t matter really.
There is always a curiosity when a group gathers for a retreat–whether a 4-hour retreat like today, or a 4-day retreat–a joyful excitement (and perhaps surge of nerves).
As people came in, it was very quiet. A few simple greetings, several people unfamiliar with this place needing to ask where the bathroom is, where the tea mugs are. Others have been here before.
What will happen this afternoon?
What will be discovered?
What is possible here, as I wonder about my thinking, my ideas, my concepts, my beliefs, my suffering?
What could shift, as I consider just one troubling relationship, and clarify some of my thoughts about it?
The very first step, where we actually write down our stressful beliefs, can sometimes be so awkward….
….but also the biggest relief in the world.
We can cuss, rage, vent, wail….on paper. We give words to our feelings of loss, abandonment, fear, grief.
After everyone was here and settled in, I asked the Judge-Your-Neighbor questions slowly (with some description of exploring how to sit with and answer these questions). Everyone got a clip board and a pen—which are all the supplies you need besides your mind, to do The Work.
I’m always so amazed, although I shouldn’t be–because I did it myself despite my secrecy and huge urge to protect myself–at how willing people are to write their honest answers down to the JYN questions.
Who angers, confuses or disappoints you, and WHY?
A child can answer the question “who bugs you, and WHY?” probably more easily than an adult.
Sometimes when people start The Work, they’ll say they anger, confuse or disappoint themselves…but yesterday I already said at the very beginning of our mini-retreat not to write about themselves.
Who were you with, when you felt bad about yourself?
Turn your attention outward. See what those other people are doing, saying, feeling, thinking….that you find disturbing.
I love the quiet of the room when people are writing and their pens are tap-tapping on paper. They’re focused. They’re exposing ideas they think they should not have in the first place.
They’re so beautiful, writing away with passion and gusto.
And then, to hear someone jump in and volunteer to be the first to “go”–the first person ready to “do” The Work who has never been to this group before. I am so inspired.
Wow, how brave she is.
At least, this is my thought as a fairly extreme introvert.
How courageous to speak immediately, to read one’s entire worksheet, to put these thoughts into the room for all the ears to hear.
The thoughts that hurt so much were shared during our afternoon together: she left me, he lacks insight, they are bored with me, he raised his voice at me, she should work with me on a compromise, I want them to stop, his outbursts are getting worse, I want hope that something will change.
The Work, as you know so well, is four questions and finding turnarounds to these concepts that incite riots of feeling within.
I hear Katie’s voice saying “trust the work”.
This is about each one of us answering all the questions to the best of our abilities, in this present moment, with no expectations of the outcome.
In our mini-retreat, after sitting with two different participant’s worksheets, everyone got to pull one thought from their Judge Your Neighbor worksheet from #4: the prompt which says “In order to be happy, I need x to ______.”
We heard each person’s #4. I need him to say _____, I need her to act _____, I need them to be ______.
Everyone got to sit in this very active meditation of answering the four questions, out loud, about this need they had written down.
You can do it right now.
What is one thing you are sure would make you happy, if you got it–and you don’t have it now? Picture it coming from the outside world. A person saying “x”, a person giving you “y”, a person being like “z”. Something else coming to you, like money, or that item.
Is it true you need that in order to be happy?
Give your honest answer.
Can you be absolutely sure? Is it absolutely positively true you need that in order to be happy? Are you sure happiness is NOT possible unless it happens, in the difficult situation you’re aware of (even if it was a long time ago)?
How do you react when you think you need it, and it’s not showing up?
Who would you be without this troubling thought that you need “x” in order to be happy (seeing the mental video of what you think you need)?
I’d see what was happening right here, more honestly.
I’d notice I’m sitting in a family of people, some of whom I don’t know their life details, and yet they feel like fellow travelers on an exquisite journey.
I somehow wound up here, in a half-day retreat with other people wondering about the validity of their thinking, and willing to question it. People willing and interested in exploring.
I’d see how happiness is possible, or even here right now, whether I get “x” or not.
I love turning my thoughts around.
It never means I have to quit believing my original thought….I might notice I still worry it’s true, but I’m giving some substance and energy to this other opposite thought.
Everyone got to turn around their need in our group yesterday: I need ME to do that thing, say that thing, be that way WITH MYSELF. Especially in the presence of that other person.
Wow.
That’s true.
It’s the only thing I can really do anything about: myself.
And we looked at these needs closely. Everyone had the opportunity to contemplate and discover and find genuine ways they might live their turnarounds with themselves.
For the one who believed she needed hope for change, she saw how she could give herself “hope” or a spark of encouragement. For the one who believed someone lacks insight, she could see how she lacked insight, and then notice how very insightful she is, and feel the power of trust.
For the one who thought they were bored with her, she found how she was bored with herself, so she could find how she might feel the entertainment of what’s inside, and relax in other peoples’ presence.
If we lived a true turnaround to what we find when we do The Work….what might it look like?
Most importantly, what would it FEEL like?
You don’t even have to know what you’d do.
These words are all what people came up with as their anchor words for living their turnarounds this month, their awareness of something simple, condensed into one word, something unforgettable: Trust, Self-Compassion, Generosity, Allow, Relax, Worthiness, Creativity, Love.
What I noticed was each one of these inquirers was the most adorable, perfect example of their turnaround.
“Peace doesn’t require two people; it requires only one. It has to be you. The problem begins and ends there.” ~ Byron Katie
You can be an example of a quality you thought you needed from outside yourself, too. You could imagine noticing how you have this quality already, or the capacity to feel it.
Living our turnarounds is so much fun.
And who knows….it may change the world.
Much love,
Grace
P.S. Spring Cleaning Retreat has 3 spots open May 16-20 in Seattle. Come find your turnarounds with us.
When someone first asked me to offer a retreat in The Work specifically for people to work on eating issues, food judgments, or upsetting thoughts about their bodies….
….I’ll be honest. I thought almost immediately “No Thanks.”
The world of compulsion, addiction, zombie trance eating that I had experienced for many years was so brutal. Especially the tricky, vicious voices related to emotional eating and hatred of fatness and a glorifying of thinness.
These were tough topics. They had been so filled with suffering for me. I wanted to leave them behind, and never look back.
I was also nervous that people might not find answers, or “get” how to apply self-inquiry to their eating or weight or compulsions.
I noticed out in the world, people got angry, perfectionistic, discouraged and very opinionated about food and ways of eating (raw, protein-heavy, meat-eaters, vegan, pure, anti-this, pro-that, anti-rules, pro-rules).
Or was it me who had experienced all that conflict in my own mind?
Hmmm. The world of eating, and my body image, was a battle field for sure–whether I was succeeding or failing.
As time passed and I worked with more and more people one-to-one, exploring the world of upside-down or troubled eating, I knew it would be of service to share in lightening the agony. I knew people could come together and investigate how to reach the natural state of peace we all were born with.
My first workshop was what some might call a….big flop.
In creating the curriculum, I thought I needed at least a weekend, including Friday night. I drew from retreats that had helped me. I felt confident in imagining the exercises and ways of bringing The Work and self-inquiry into all facets of the retreat. I had done many of these exercises with people in solo sessions. I felt excited.
Then, when it got time to put it on the calendar and announce it, only a few people expressed interest. And the person who had originally asked me to create a retreat was no longer living in the area, and not wanting to travel back to Seattle only for a weekend.
This was back when I was so new at offering facilitation and guidance, my confidence was the size of a peanut.
Three people signed up for the retreat.
One of them attended by skype from Colorado. We had a spot set up for her on a little table in my living room. Another drove a distance from Oregon, and a third kind gentleman came from fairly close by in Seattle.
As I mention in today’s video, the way I structured the schedule, everyone went off at meal breaks and got their choice of foods, with instructions to eat mindfully, notice their thoughts, write them down, and then return in 90 minutes.
Although everyone felt calmer around food and eating, no one reported feeling very different with food. One person even said they ate something they usually don’t eat, and they weren’t too sure this had been a good idea.
The exercises were powerful and interesting, the inquiry was thought-provoking and offered insights….but how could the people coming to a retreat on eating peace actually experience something different in their eating?
As I pondered this over time, I read about a man who had a vibrant zen meditation practice, who also had had many overeating or compulsive eating issues in his life, who loved bringing peace into his relationship with food.
*PING*!
It was like a little bell went off.
I myself hadn’t been willing to sit with people and share what it was like to mindfully and peacefully eat–to guide people in the experience itself.
If I wasn’t willing to expose myself in a meal for all the world to see, certainly they wouldn’t be willing either.
I knew what to do. I needed to have everyone who came to retreat eat together, in a different way. It needed to be a part of the practice, the process, the experience.
So that’s how a full immersion retreat was born. Instead of me going away to be all by myself eating whatever I wanted, dang-it, I’d eat whatever I wanted in plain sight.
No need to rebel, defend, or fight for whatever it was I was eating. No need to hold judgments about whether I did it right, or wrong.
I knew this, I had felt the peace of caring kindly for my own body, and now if I wanted to share it honestly with others, it was time to actually do that, for reals.
So the next retreat was different.
The planning was different, the feeling inside myself was different, the peanut-sized confidence didn’t really matter….I felt love and willingness to flop again, if that’s what happened….but also, I trusted the inspiration.
I wanted to join with others on the same journey, who had been suffering when it came to food.
I actually felt this weird sensation of knowing I was going to offer what I always wished was available for me, so long ago, when I felt crushing desperation about how to eat normally, and like I couldn’t find out how.
Now, this Eating Peace Retreat has become four days long. And honestly, it could become longer at some point.
But for now, we gather on a Thursday night (January 11th) for this upcoming annual retreat, we meet Friday, Saturday and Sunday from 9:00 am to 9:00 pm, and Monday morning (January 15th) we meet two more hours as a final session together.
I’m with you every step of the way. We eat, think, inquire, feel, explore, walk, and move together.
We identify our most painful thoughts about being in this world with food–what we’ve learned to fear or hate. You get to pick your own food, on purpose, and give yourself what you want and need.
We identify our most painful thoughts about moving, about energy and physicality or whatever’s called “exercise”–every difficult, furious or tormented thought about any of it, and take it through the inquiry process. We’ll do some moving together, without the mind running the show.
We identify our most painful thoughts about what other people think of us, what they see, what they’ve said, what we think it means about us. We identify our beliefs about hunger, fullness, and the foods we have the greatest trouble with.
All of these thoughts, we can question.
We tie in The Work of Byron Katie with all of these stressful, troubling ideas we’ve had in our minds. The Work is the most simple, beautiful, lazer-sharp way to dissolve our suffering about food, our weight, our eating.
This retreat is intentionally left small. I offer it once a year in Seattle (yes, I know I should offer it again during a little more light and a little less rain…stay tuned, this is coming).
Everyone who attends, I’ll be checking in with a month after the retreat to see how you’re doing and if your life with eating needs further support. Everyone at the retreat will leave with partners to do this work with over the phone or skype, so they can stay in touch with questioning their stressful thinking.
What I know now, is I can’t label the Eating Peace Retreat as a big flop anymore.
It’s been phenomenal.
I’m so moved, deeply touched, and in awe of what people learn about themselves through the process of being together and doing The Work on memories, beliefs and struggles they’ve never questioned before….about food, their bodies, their eating.
I am so, so amazed to find that the terrible, frightening, wild and chaotic eating I used to do actually brought me home to a bigger, brighter, more enlightened world….and that the same difficult experience brings me to serve others who want to find a way of eating peace, too.
I wanted to thank you for a wonderful retreat. It was life changing. The Work has been such an amazing tool in my life and to combine it with eating peace could not be more perfect. In my heart I feel it was the missing piece and exactly what I was hoping for when I signed up and more. I am so grateful and excited to practice eating peace in my daily life and continue to use The Work on my stressful thoughts around food and eating….Thank you, thank you, thank you for sharing your guidance, wisdom and teaching, it is such a great gift to share.
~ Participant January 2017
Eating Peace Retreat is only a month away. I’d be honored to have you, if it’s right. To register, visit here. Room for one more person in the retreat house (ask about how to reserve) and also room for one in a lovely airbnb run by friends close by is still available. Write with your questions.
And now….what if when you think about all this eating and being together, and eating mindfully in a group….it makes you want to run the other way. Fast!?
What if the REBEL comes out when you’re trying to eat peacefully? What if the very thought of slowing down, and sitting with people on an eating peace retreat….makes you want to jump out of your skin, or to strangle something?
It’s definitely how I used to feel (and still do sometimes). Watch the video today to see what happened for me around the Rebel, and how to be with it and let it be here, staying safe and clear at the same time.
I was very touched recently. Several people in Year of Inquiry approached me with an offer that they’d like to start a scholarship fund for people who need financial help attending Year of Inquiry, especially the live retreats in Seattle.
The year long program has two options; telesessions only (which include all the webinar presentations I offer every month) or the full, live program for those who come to fall and spring retreats.
Sometimes people sign up for telesessions only and hope they can come up with the funds for the in-person retreats. This scholarship help may be one way they can do it.
Even though YOI (Year of Inquiry) doesn’t start until September, I felt such a deep sense of gratitude and acknowledgement that people collectively think doing this work together as a practice is so powerful, they want to help others do it too.
Almost at the very same time of hearing of these generous participants’ desire to contribute to others, I also learned Year of Inquiry will offer credits to people interested in becoming a part of the Institute for The Work (ITW).
The Institute trains people in facilitating and doing The Work and those meeting all the extensive credits required inside ITW become Certified Facilitators.
Anyone enrolling and completing Year of Inquiry would receive the equivalent credits of a whole School for The Work plus 80 hours of partnering in The Work.
It may seem like a foreign language to you, if you’re not aware of Institute for The Work or you aren’t interested in certification….
….but I felt very moved by the endorsement.
It means people can begin to taste the practice of The Work by joining in with our little group, and if they’re really into it, can use Year of Inquiry as a diving board for further training.
But the most important thing about doing The Work and questioning thoughts, in the end?
It’s not the credit earned.
The thing I love most about gathering with others to wonder about concepts we hold, the beliefs we find troubling and stressful: I don’t have to do this work alone and rely on my own thinking to bring me clarity.
When alone, I’m not always aware of my biggest blind spots. I get tired, or bored, or the inner voice in my head gets to loud to hear myself think clearly.
Getting together with other people to do the four questions and find turnarounds is ingenious. It keeps the connection to inquiry alive. We’re in it together. Other people can do The Work when I’m too hopeless, or fatigued, to do it myself. I’m listening, and I still learn.
And we’re practicing together, over and over again.
You just do it. Like learning to ride a bike. You try, you fall, you swerve, you fall, you try again, you fall, you get on again, you start to pedal, glide, and relax.
And you keep going.
Maybe it’s like joining a gym. You’re not done, even if you’ve been a gym member at the same place for 15 years (like me). You just keep going, on rainy days especially. It becomes a way of life, a way of continuously practicing the movement you need to feel healthy.
I’m not sure where I’d be without having created Year of Inquiry, or the other shorter classes, programs, solo sessions and retreats I keep offering.
Everyone showing up is here to help me stay true to my favorite experiences in human life: awareness, transformation, contribution, service.
Now, if an entire Year of Inquiry is hard to imagine, there are shorter experiences you can join to hit the reset button or sink into a deep mental tune-up in your thinking.
One of the most beautiful ways, is to come to Breitenbush Hotsprings Conference Center in Oregon on June 21-25. Deep in a pristine old-growth forest, this is one of the most magnificent settings for investigating where you feel stuck.
Everyone stays in a beautiful warm cabin, or you can camp, stay in a tent platform, or reserve a dorm room in the lodge. Three meals a day are home-cooked, all vegetarian and exquisite. Get massage or body work, hike in the woods, visit the hot pools for a soak in the mineral waters. The air is fresh, the atmosphere quiet and profoundly peaceful, and the relaxation beyond measure.
Breitenbush has become a regular highlight of some peoples’ summers who return year after year to sit in their life-changing inquiry. We always have a whole handful of people who have been once or more to the School for The Work with Byron Katie in the past year.
But no matter where you live, what you’re able to do or join, how you’re able to travel or not travel….
….it appears my job is to continuously put Inquiry Practice on the calendar.
In just about every which way possible. Phone, computer link, donation-based monthly call, free meetups, in-person immersions, mini retreats, groups, videos, podcast, Grace Notes, recovery and eating peace process work, writing.
What I notice is, it’s not a requirement to question your thoughts in order to live.
But is it a requirement to question your thoughts in order to be peaceful, or joyful?
I don’t even know the answer to that question, at least not for anyone else.
For me, however, it appears that without investigating what’s running through my mind, if I’m just swallowing everything I’ve learned or been exposed to without curiosity….I’m living a very stressful life, full of suffering.
I’m almost putting salt in the wound, as they say. I’m practically giving fuel to my own suffering….repeating a conversation over in my head, assuming what someone else is thinking, imagining my demise whether sickness or death, feeling sharp, or bitter, or angry, or very sad.
What a nutty mind–so funny the way it keeps worrying about my survival, and getting anxious, or delivering “warning” messages.
But with The Work also running through my mind, heart and soul….
…I’ve got the best set of questions ever if my head replays that horror film from 1990.
Is it true? Can you absolutely KNOW it’s true? How do you react, what happens, when you believe what you think? Who would you be without this thought? What if you turned your belief around to the opposite?
Why am I experiencing so much pain? Because I’m believing a lie. If you’re lying in bed in the morning and you think ‘I want to get up, I should get up!’ and you then begin to experience fear and guilt…I invite you to just be there and try to make yourself NOT get up. It’s not possible. When it is time to get up, you get up. Not one second too early or too late. There are two ways to lie there, or get up, and one is in peace and the other is in stress.” ~ Byron Katie
If you want to move into this way of inquiry, without anyone telling you what to think whatsoever, and without any rules or regulations, or how you “should” be thinking or not thinking….
….step into this process called The Work. Your way. Your answers.
It couldn’t be anything but your own answers, if you want true peace.
Join me in this fascinating unknown mysterious adventure where we’re wondering what’s true and contemplating life and all it’s hardship and pain, and beauty.
Where we can question our stressful stories, and find, we just might be able to love what is, now.
If you recognize the famous first line from the musical Grease song, you might start singing it in your head.
I love summers in the Pacific Northwest. Fresh nights where you need a sweater, warm enough days for swimming in lakes and maybe a dip in the cold ocean or campfire on the wild beach.
And the time for a deeper immersion in self-inquiry with others, relaxing with the long light.
So many choices, so many ways, so much beautiful possibility!
Breitenbush Hot Springs Summer Retreat June 21-25, 2017 is only open for early bird rate for another 2.5 weeks. $395 until May 1st and very popular, the lodging sells out quickly (they set aside some of the best for us, but you need to book it soon). We are already filling.
I would love to have you join me in this gorgeous setting with no internet, no phone service (yes, astonishing), amazing fresh organic home cooked meals, deep forest hiking, soaking in hot springs at leisure outside of session hours, massage, and absolutely beautiful cabins.
And that’s not even the best in-session part. Together, as a part of this annual retreat, we’ll gather and walk through the inquiry journey, one simple step at a time, investigating our stressful thinking.
Beginners and experienced journeyers are all invited and welcome. We start at the very beginning, with our own stressful relationships or worries, our frustrations and places we wish would change.
The Work is a process of inquiry that dissolves all the suffering in life. At least it has offered this to me. As I inquire, and stay with my exploration (so much easier to do in a group) I find the personal freedom I always used to long for and think was impossible.
To read more about Breitenbush, or if you have questions, please reply back to this email and I’ll personally answer. If you have special questions about the meals or lodging, or travel to Breitenbush, those questions are best answered by the good staff at Breitenbush. You can call them at 503-854-3320. This is also how you sign up. The old fashioned way over the phone.
And as if that much summer loving wasn’t enough….I’ll be facilitating Being With Byron Katie in Seattle July 8-11, a completely silent retreat where we watch Byron Katie speak and work with her audience streaming live from Switzerland (technically, it’s a 9 hour delay).
We get to send questions, photos, and share in the event all the way from our little spot in Seattle. Room for 20 maximum attendees, there are 4 bedrooms for weary travelers for a reduced fee. Our house is a modest older Seattle house in the midst of the beautiful Portage Bay neighborhood. Our retreat house will remain in silence for the entire time.
The fee for this 4 full day event? Only $185. Truly the most inexpensive event with Byron Katie you could ever attend. Worth 24 credits for Institute for The Work candidates with Byron Katie directly, as if you were attending live with Katie, for a small extra fee (still less than if you registered for it on your own).
And lastly, to continue your summer love….Summer Camp for The Mind Virtual Inquiry Jam.
July 5-August 18, 2017. Monday-Friday daily inquiry telecalls simply doing The Work with Grace. This is an annual daily dial-in where we all fill out a Judge Your Neighbor worksheet, and the first volunteer in the hot seat does The Work. As many people do The Work who are able–each session is 90 minutes. Q & A time included. Every day, the inquiry jam is at a different hour, so you can join when it works for your time zone and schedule. Come to one or all the calls. You get to pick. Summer Camp for The Mind is sliding scale, for everyone.
Hope you’ll join me in deepening your Love this summer, and being a part of the Peace Movement.
Last night I went to test out the gorgeous big-screen at the lodge where we’ll be watching Being With Byron Katie and moving into silence in between all sessions starting on Saturday.
Wow.
The internet connection worked beautifully, and I felt thrilled to be one of the people about to enter listening-only-mode with Byron Katie as she teaches from Switzerland.
I feel so lucky.
This retreat has space for 2 more people. I operate this one at a non-profit level, which sometimes brings up a few thoughts about MONEY.
ARRGGG, will it never end?!
(You’ll see in a sec what I’m talking about, when it comes to the “arrggg” part around money).
What the non-profit deal means, is everyone attending pays the small rate of $165 for attending one, two, three or all four days with Katie. If you have to leave, or miss any days, then included in your registration is free access to the recordings through August 31st.
Everyone who attends gets to sign up for viewing time, on their own, from their own home, using my log-in. It takes some scheduling prowess because we can only have one person logged in at a time, but we have full permission and an awesome scheduler. It worked fabulously last year.
So back to the money part I mentioned.
As in non-profit.
Now, as of today, I am sooooooo OK with this retreat with the money part.
Because why?
Because I am not losing money, so reality is going my way (ha ha).
All my expenses have now been reimbursed. I’ve put many hours into arranging it, planning it, organizing people, answering questions….and not put any financial expectation on the working hours required to pull the event together. As in, no money expected for the organizing of this retreat.
However, when I put the payment down on the lodge I rent for retreats here in Seattle, for 5 nights, it felt like a pretty major kaplunk of moolah. Almost $2000 for the lodge rental alone.
There’s a streaming fee of course ($250). Then there are Judge Your Neighbor worksheet copies, a white board and pens, post-it notes, and other small expenses. A few internet fees. Some posting fees for the event announcements.
Even though I know by now, events happen, people show up, it always works out (especially when I have The Work)….
….it’s still scary for that part of me that cares so much about money and prefers more coming in than going out.
Ugh. So much thinking, worrying, wondering about money.
These thoughts move like a stuck tape loop. Needing more money, losing money, not having enough money.
(Will these kinds of thoughts never end during my lifetime?)
How they show up this time, in this situation around this event, are like an old set of flies buzzing around, softening sometimes, rising up again.
They sound like this:
If I charged more, I’d at least pay myself back for all the work. This isn’t fruitful to offer this as a volunteer project. Just because I’m not teaching, doesn’t mean I shouldn’t make money for my time involved. Oh no….if this keeps up, I’ll lose money on this retreat! I am NOT doing this next year. No one understands how awesome this is. People shouldn’t write me to ask for scholarships. I should have more confidence about this retreat. People don’t understand how cool this event is or how insanely cheap compared to live events with Byron Katie. Maybe its so cheap it reduces the awareness of the value. No one realizes they can watch what they miss after the event, without extra cost. I’ve done all this work for nothing. It’s too much work. See #1, loop back. Repeat.
Over and over again, the same kinds of thoughts.
Why not take a look, see what’s left of these annoying beliefs?
More money should come in. I should be paid for effort (I’m somehow NOT being paid).
Is this true?
Yes. Yes. It really would be better to feel compensated for everything. It would be better to earn something, have money coming in. Not breaking even. Breaking even is not good enough!
Are you absolutely sure?
No. No idea. Ha ha.
I look around and notice, I’m absolutely fine. Thriving, enjoying myself, enough to eat, place to live, good business, people coming and excited for this amazing retreat.
How do I react when I think I should have some kind of pay back? That the money isn’t “worth” it, not enough, too low?
Pissy. Annoyed.
Bad attitude. Treating money like I know better, bossing it around.
Nervous. Thinking about NEXT YEAR of all things, when this soon-to-be event hasn’t even happened yet THIS year.
Wildly flailing in the future. Thinking about my bank account. So concerned with enough-ness and deciding this isn’t it.
So who would I be without this belief, though? What if I had no idea, no argument with what is, when it comes to money?
Huh.
You mean….money can do whatever it does, and I don’t mind? Like, I don’t even KNOW it’s doing something uncomfortable, or not good enough?
Yes.
Woah.
I guess I would be noticing how excited I am for this retreat, to spend 4 days listening, instead of talking or teaching or facilitating or expected to lead one single session.
Noticing how relaxed I am right now, in the beautiful summer weather. Breathing deeply. Feeling the amount of money I have and thinking “enough”. Stopping the comparison, pushing, wondering, wishing, wanting….altogether.
No wanting something different.
An amazing relaxed, curious, sweet feeling of being with this present moment. Noticing how fun money is, and it’s enough the way it is. Like this moment.
Turning the thoughts around….
No charging more is required. I am already paid back for my work with joy, connection with others. Plus all the money I’ve spent is reimbursed. This IS fruitful as a volunteer project. Because I’m not teaching, it’s OK to not make money. Oh no….if this keeps up, I’ll gain sanity on this retreat! I have no idea about next year, I’m open to it. All the right and perfect people understand how awesome this is. Maybe I’m the one who doesn’t. People should write me to ask for scholarships, it’s wonderful and gives me ideas for doing this in the future. I already have great confidence about this retreat, and I’m feeling more. I could make a scholarship fund for this event. People totally understand how cool this event is and how cheap compared to live events with Byron Katie. I have reduced my own awareness of the value here by being concerned with money. People realize just what they need to realize, and so do I. I’ve done all this work for so much. I am rewarded with love, insights from Katie. I’ll get to enjoy the retreat. It is NOT too much work. For all I know, I’ll become aware of an incredible realization in these four days ahead.
How could the money be doing exactly the right thing, in the right amount, for me….for others….for Seattle….for the world?
Why not?
This could be the most perfect, brilliant, lovely four days for me, and I don’t have to buy any plane tickets or spend anything more than I have, or go to Europe to see Byron Katie in person. I get to be with all these amazing people coming to attend to their minds….with a passionate interest in freedom.
I get to hear one of the world’s gifted teachers of peace, and hardly have to leave my own home.
Wow. Such a deal.
“I’ve never seen a work or money problem that didn’t turn out to be a thinking problem. I used to believe that I needed money to be happy. Even when I had a lot, I was often sick with the fear that something terrible would happen and I would lose it. I realize now that no amount of money is worth that kind of stress.” ~ Byron Katie
No LACK of money is worth that kind of stress either.
I notice right now, in this moment, I’d rather be free than right about money, profit, income, being paid, being compensated.
How do I know I shouldn’t be making MORE in this event?
I’m not.
Much love,
Grace
P.S. It’s been a few years, but I created a full webinar on money, and questioning what I call a “Belief Cluster” of thoughts about money we commonly believe, all of which bring terrible stress. If you’d like to watch it, click here.
Trying hard to be careful….can hurt you (and Breitenbush special gift)
Leaving home to get together with a group to explore and learn something or travel to distant lands is a pretty common human activity.
It’s also a pretty huge hassle sometimes, and requires a lot of resources and the right circumstances. Job, money, time, freedom to go.
I have to get this body from here to there. Here, I am in my comfortable home where I’m used to the bed, the bathroom, I know where anything I need is stored, there is no issue of uncertainty about finding water, bathing, toothpaste, cupboards holding food I myself have purchased.
Going somewhere requires getting in a vehicle, buying a plane ticket or a train ticket, spending other money to make sure you have what you think will bring you comfort, saying goodbye to friends and family and the familiar….
….and uncertainty.
What will it look like, what will happen? Will I be uncomfortable? Can I find what I need when I’m there (not here)? Will I be able to relax? Will I be threatened in some way, no matter how small? Will there be bugs, or strange noises, or weird people?
It’s funny how the mind will activate and start flashing pictures before your eyes of why NOT to do something new, go someplace different, travel, explore, move, change, see something unusual.
Even if staying home is boring, same same, too comfortable, unfulfilling, or maybe fraught with abrasive family relationships that aren’t that fun.
Better stay at least in the familiar. It could be worse.
I find the mind has the same kind of worry, avoidance, and discomfort with the internal landscape of who we are.
The mind will say…..
….this right here can’t be “it”, can’t be enough. This right here is not entirely fulfilling. Maybe this right here, my life as it is, actually has some discord and tension. Arguments with co-worker, spouse, child, parent, neighbor.
But don’t try anything different!
It could be worse!
It’s like the mind, or that way of thinking, is peppered or infused with what I like to call “careful” syndrome.
Be careful. Life is tricky. Anything could happen. Watch out. Don’t be reckless. Don’t go overboard. Don’t try it. Do not jump. Don’t make that move. You’ll regret it. I said be careful!!
Sounds like a nervous parent, doesn’t it?
But are you sure you need to be careful? Is this actually true? Are you positive this carefulness is required, or the best approach to life? Or the least dangerous?
Whew.
No.
I’ve felt a lot of twisted up tightness and unhappiness when believing I need to be careful. And I have NO idea if my carefulness ever, ever prevented something bad from happening.
I’m pretty sure that me being careful has never meant safety.
Could life be worse?
Now, that’s an interesting question. We have NO IDEA what will occur in the future, not even for sure tomorrow or even 6 minutes from now. It’s sooooo goofy that the mind can even come up with this imaginary scenario that it could be worse.
I actually don’t know it’s true. It could be something might happen, and even if it’s big and dramatic, or scary….it’s NOT worse.
How do you react when you think you should be careful? Or else (worse, bad, terrible)?
I stay home. I work a lot. I keep busy in a weird kind of way that prevents silent time and opening up to deeper thinking. I skip meditating. I push towards some of the same goals. I don’t have conversations that might be important to have….uncomfortable ones. I don’t bring up things I feel anxious to speak about. I don’t make changes. I don’t try anything truly different. I don’t travel, physically, or internally.
Who would you be without this story of You Needing To Be Careful?
Huh.
The strangeness of being without this thought suddenly comes forward. I notice how much care and effort I’ve made in my life to be cautious, tentative, not plunge in, wait, hesitate, decide against something.
What if I didn’t think my children should be careful? What if carefulness wasn’t required? What if taking care, in this anxious way, didn’t prevent “bad” things from happening? What if everything happened, whether I was taking care or not? What if it truly was not necessary whatsoever, or even possible, to Be Careful?
Gulp.
Mind blown.
Turning the belief around:
I do not have to be careful. There is no WORSE way for it to be. It’s THIS way, the way it is. It could be BETTER.
Wow, it could be better. Change could offer something interesting. Staying the same, and relaxing with it, could also offer something interesting.
My thinking and the story my thoughts invent make things worse. I scare myself with my imagination. (Ha ha, isn’t that the truth)?
And what if I lived this turnaround, that things might be better, or unknown and mysterious (yay) and what if I was willing to have anything happen?
What if I could sense in my bones the feeling of looking forward to anything that happens?
Yes, anything.
No resistance. No bracing myself for the blow, or being exceptionally careful so it doesn’t hurt so bad, or blocking and avoiding so I don’t get over-stimulated or exhausted. No walking on eggshells. No holding back.
It doesn’t mean, oh no….I’m now going to hurt myself or other people. It’s not swinging to the complete opposite “I’ll be CARELESS!” like now I’ll try to jump off the roof because dang-it I want to see what it’s like to fly for two seconds!
It’s not running wildly through a china shop knocking over everything, or doing this to the inside of my psyche and my inner world and freaking myself out.
But it is expanding my world into far more possibilities.
It feels, when I live the turnaround and feel the turnaround “I do not HAVE TO be careful” like I trust something about reality. I’m here, willing to be here, looking forward to being here until I’m not.
This feels deeply joyful. It feels like a place beyond this mental outlook or worrying story. It feels full of wonder.
Wonder, and awe, and many adventures and travels.
Who are you, without the story that you need to watch out, or be careful?
Don’t Make Lists by Dorothy Walters
Every day a new flower rises
from your body’s fresh soil.
Don’t go around looking
for fallen petals
in a fairy tale, when you’ve
got the golden plant
right here, now,
shooting forth in light from your eyes,
your awakening crown.
Don’t make lists, or explore ancient accounts.
Forget everything you know
and open.
Are you ready for an adventure of the inner AND outer kind?
There is such an adventure for those who are called, at Breitenbush Hotsprings Resort and Conference Center in eastern Oregon deep in the old growth forest. It’s a stunning physical setting, and your physical body is well nourished and cared for with silent bathing pools to use (outside of our retreat sessions), delicious vegetarian home-cooked meals full of vegetables and fruits, and the air filled with emerald green ancient trees.
The beds are all exquisite (I stay right there every year and sleep so well, it’s amazing). The night is so silent and dark, it’s a drastic comparison to city and town life. No cell service, no internet. You’ll unplug
And on the inside, we investigate with mind, heart and soul. We start with The Work on an important and difficult issue in our lives, someone we’re at odds with, something we find disturbing. We get to spend time with our perspective and take it through this most powerful form of self-inquiry. We get to wonder about new ways to see, like not being so careful, not feeling stuck or squished in our lives.
Breitenbush Summer Retreat is less than a month away. There are only a few spaces left, and a few of those delicious beds. Call them to register today, before they open up the beds to the general public. Click here: Breitenbush for all the information you need to call them, and find many questions answered.
At Breitenbush, we do The Work, take silent breaks, eat in silence together, share facilitation with others, share in our group, walk the labyrinth with inquiry (yes, they have a labyrinth), walk through lush, soft green trails of gigantic trees and wild purple rhododendrons, schedule a massage, soak in the springs, dance on Saturday night in the great lodge hall, and expand our vision, together.
We nurture ourselves by being with ourselves directly. Not carelessly, not fearfully with the kind of care that makes us small….
….but with curiosity, and an opening mind.
Won’t you come join us forgetting what you know to be true that brings you sadness, confusion, irritation and suffering?
Beginners to The Work are totally welcome. Experienced are also very welcome. A beautiful collection of people always arrive. Ready to explore the inner and the outer by stepping away from normal life for 5 days.
Not much time left, if you call very soon you’ll still have some excellent lodging choices…..and some excellent new turnaround choices for your life.
“Don’t be careful, you could hurt yourself.” ~ Byron Katie
Much love, Grace
P.S. I am so touched to let you know of a beautiful offer: If you are seriously considering Breitenbush but concerned about the money, we have an angel donor who is offering some scholarship aid for lodging. She loves the work, has done many programs with me, and wants to support someone attending. Please write grace@workwithgrace.com to learn more and send me an email.
Wide open wild ocean at Asilomar, where I’ve been retreating. And now…..more retreating in daily life!
I have missed you this week, I love sharing with you so much, and hearing from those who write.
I have just come away from a primarily silent retreat with the inspiring and loving teacher Adyashanti for seven days.
The only time there was speaking, was if you raised your hand, Adya called on you, and you came to the microphone (in front of 300 people) to ask him a question or have a conversation about this thing called life.
I asked Adya a question.
How do I bring this profound silence and joy that I receive here on retreat into my daily life, and stay connected to serving and being peace?
It was such a good answer.
He is always very kind and generous, and not judgey.
But if I could sum up the answer in one fell swoop, although it was much longer and sweeter than this, it would be:
Don’t be afraid of getting disturbed.
Oh.
Right.
Questioning what’s going on.
I can do that.
We all can do that.
And not just questioning what’s going on when we feel unhappy, or upset, or sad, or mixed up about things….
….but even telling an uncomfortable situation to come on in.
It’s welcome.
When I wish for my life to be one big long retreat, and a retreat has to look like lots of silence and open time, and space and gentleness, good simple meals, lack of work….
….then I will be disappointed.
And very, very confused.
Because really? That’s not what I want at all.
I want life to be exciting, and challenging, and fascinating, and full of wonder and miracles, and change and destruction, and rebirth and passion.
I want what Life wants.
When I don’t, it hurts real bad.
So today, as I have a day of travel and writing and getting ready for a half day retreat tomorrow in inquiry, I can remember about how every single time I thought I knew how life should go and could not find flexibility in my thinking….
….things got a bit worse.
Every time I have stopped, questioned what I believed to be the truth about any situation….
….things got better.
Eventually.
Today, I am so grateful for every harsh, difficult thing I’ve ever gone through, because of what it’s given me along the way.
Today, I am so grateful for laundry, children, cleaning the bathroom, making copies of retreat materials for participants tomorrow, doing the dishes, and cleaning out the Inbox of emails.
Do I really want my daily life to be like a silent retreat with non-stop spiritual guidance?
Who had the idea that it isn’t?
Oh yeah!
That was me!
The good news….if that was little me who had that thought, I could be wrong!
Much love, Grace
P.S. Last minute shuffling looks like one spot has opened up for tomorrow’s December 12 mini retreat 1:30-5:30 pm. Question your mind, change your life. Really.
I was very touched recently. Several people in Year of Inquiry approached me with an offer that they’d like to start a scholarship fund for people who need financial help attending Year of Inquiry, especially the live retreats in Seattle.
