I’m sitting as the sun sets on the weekend, watching the yellow-then-rose colored sky over the fence and tall laurel hedge across the street at the neighbor’s house.
I am touched so deeply by the sincerity and willingness of the people who recently filled this little cottage living room to question their thoughts.
Some were brand new to The Work. They had never written out a Judge Your Neighbor worksheet before.
Some were School for The Work graduates who have been questioning their thoughts for years.
It doesn’t matter really.
There is always a curiosity when a group gathers for a retreat–whether a 4-hour retreat like today, or a 4-day retreat–a joyful excitement (and perhaps surge of nerves).
As people came in, it was very quiet. A few simple greetings, several people unfamiliar with this place needing to ask where the bathroom is, where the tea mugs are. Others have been here before.
What will happen this afternoon?
What will be discovered?
What is possible here, as I wonder about my thinking, my ideas, my concepts, my beliefs, my suffering?
What could shift, as I consider just one troubling relationship, and clarify some of my thoughts about it?
The very first step, where we actually write down our stressful beliefs, can sometimes be so awkward….
….but also the biggest relief in the world.
We can cuss, rage, vent, wail….on paper. We give words to our feelings of loss, abandonment, fear, grief.
After everyone was here and settled in, I asked the Judge-Your-Neighbor questions slowly (with some description of exploring how to sit with and answer these questions). Everyone got a clip board and a pen—which are all the supplies you need besides your mind, to do The Work.
I’m always so amazed, although I shouldn’t be–because I did it myself despite my secrecy and huge urge to protect myself–at how willing people are to write their honest answers down to the JYN questions.
Who angers, confuses or disappoints you, and WHY?
A child can answer the question “who bugs you, and WHY?” probably more easily than an adult.
Sometimes when people start The Work, they’ll say they anger, confuse or disappoint themselves…but yesterday I already said at the very beginning of our mini-retreat not to write about themselves.
Who were you with, when you felt bad about yourself?
Turn your attention outward. See what those other people are doing, saying, feeling, thinking….that you find disturbing.
I love the quiet of the room when people are writing and their pens are tap-tapping on paper. They’re focused. They’re exposing ideas they think they should not have in the first place.
They’re so beautiful, writing away with passion and gusto.
And then, to hear someone jump in and volunteer to be the first to “go”–the first person ready to “do” The Work who has never been to this group before. I am so inspired.
Wow, how brave she is.
At least, this is my thought as a fairly extreme introvert.
How courageous to speak immediately, to read one’s entire worksheet, to put these thoughts into the room for all the ears to hear.
The thoughts that hurt so much were shared during our afternoon together: she left me, he lacks insight, they are bored with me, he raised his voice at me, she should work with me on a compromise, I want them to stop, his outbursts are getting worse, I want hope that something will change.
The Work, as you know so well, is four questions and finding turnarounds to these concepts that incite riots of feeling within.
I hear Katie’s voice saying “trust the work”.
This is about each one of us answering all the questions to the best of our abilities, in this present moment, with no expectations of the outcome.
In our mini-retreat, after sitting with two different participant’s worksheets, everyone got to pull one thought from their Judge Your Neighbor worksheet from #4: the prompt which says “In order to be happy, I need x to ______.”
We heard each person’s #4. I need him to say _____, I need her to act _____, I need them to be ______.
Everyone got to sit in this very active meditation of answering the four questions, out loud, about this need they had written down.
You can do it right now.
What is one thing you are sure would make you happy, if you got it–and you don’t have it now? Picture it coming from the outside world. A person saying “x”, a person giving you “y”, a person being like “z”. Something else coming to you, like money, or that item.
Is it true you need that in order to be happy?
Give your honest answer.
Can you be absolutely sure? Is it absolutely positively true you need that in order to be happy? Are you sure happiness is NOT possible unless it happens, in the difficult situation you’re aware of (even if it was a long time ago)?
How do you react when you think you need it, and it’s not showing up?
Oh lord. Disappointed. Waiting. Wishing. Worrying.
Who would you be without this troubling thought that you need “x” in order to be happy (seeing the mental video of what you think you need)?
I’d see what was happening right here, more honestly.
I’d notice I’m sitting in a family of people, some of whom I don’t know their life details, and yet they feel like fellow travelers on an exquisite journey.
I somehow wound up here, in a half-day retreat with other people wondering about the validity of their thinking, and willing to question it. People willing and interested in exploring.
I’d see how happiness is possible, or even here right now, whether I get “x” or not.
I love turning my thoughts around.
It never means I have to quit believing my original thought….I might notice I still worry it’s true, but I’m giving some substance and energy to this other opposite thought.
Everyone got to turn around their need in our group yesterday: I need ME to do that thing, say that thing, be that way WITH MYSELF. Especially in the presence of that other person.
Wow.
That’s true.
It’s the only thing I can really do anything about: myself.
And we looked at these needs closely. Everyone had the opportunity to contemplate and discover and find genuine ways they might live their turnarounds with themselves.
For the one who believed she needed hope for change, she saw how she could give herself “hope” or a spark of encouragement. For the one who believed someone lacks insight, she could see how she lacked insight, and then notice how very insightful she is, and feel the power of trust.
For the one who thought they were bored with her, she found how she was bored with herself, so she could find how she might feel the entertainment of what’s inside, and relax in other peoples’ presence.
If we lived a true turnaround to what we find when we do The Work….what might it look like?
Most importantly, what would it FEEL like?
You don’t even have to know what you’d do.
These words are all what people came up with as their anchor words for living their turnarounds this month, their awareness of something simple, condensed into one word, something unforgettable: Trust, Self-Compassion, Generosity, Allow, Relax, Worthiness, Creativity, Love.
What I noticed was each one of these inquirers was the most adorable, perfect example of their turnaround.
“Peace doesn’t require two people; it requires only one. It has to be you. The problem begins and ends there.” ~ Byron Katie
You can be an example of a quality you thought you needed from outside yourself, too. You could imagine noticing how you have this quality already, or the capacity to feel it.
Living our turnarounds is so much fun.
And who knows….it may change the world.
Much love,
Grace
P.S. Spring Cleaning Retreat has 3 spots open May 16-20 in Seattle. Come find your turnarounds with us.
P.P.S. Next Living Turnarounds Half-Day is April 22nd.