Peace doesn’t require two people. But sharing with others helps us see how to live it.

I’m sitting as the sun sets on the weekend, watching the yellow-then-rose colored sky over the fence and tall laurel hedge across the street at the neighbor’s house.

I am touched so deeply by the sincerity and willingness of the people who recently filled this little cottage living room to question their thoughts.

Some were brand new to The Work. They had never written out a Judge Your Neighbor worksheet before.

Some were School for The Work graduates who have been questioning their thoughts for years.

It doesn’t matter really.

There is always a curiosity when a group gathers for a retreat–whether a 4-hour retreat like today, or a 4-day retreat–a joyful excitement (and perhaps surge of nerves).

As people came in, it was very quiet. A few simple greetings, several people unfamiliar with this place needing to ask where the bathroom is, where the tea mugs are. Others have been here before.

What will happen this afternoon?

What will be discovered?

What is possible here, as I wonder about my thinking, my ideas, my concepts, my beliefs, my suffering?

What could shift, as I consider just one troubling relationship, and clarify some of my thoughts about it?

The very first step, where we actually write down our stressful beliefs, can sometimes be so awkward….

….but also the biggest relief in the world.

We can cuss, rage, vent, wail….on paper. We give words to our feelings of loss, abandonment, fear, grief.

After everyone was here and settled in, I asked the Judge-Your-Neighbor questions slowly (with some description of exploring how to sit with and answer these questions). Everyone got a clip board and a pen—which are all the supplies you need besides your mind, to do The Work.

I’m always so amazed, although I shouldn’t be–because I did it myself despite my secrecy and huge urge to protect myself–at how willing people are to write their honest answers down to the JYN questions.

Who angers, confuses or disappoints you, and WHY?

A child can answer the question “who bugs you, and WHY?” probably more easily than an adult.

Sometimes when people start The Work, they’ll say they anger, confuse or disappoint themselves…but yesterday I already said at the very beginning of our mini-retreat not to write about themselves.

Who were you with, when you felt bad about yourself?

Turn your attention outward. See what those other people are doing, saying, feeling, thinking….that you find disturbing.

I love the quiet of the room when people are writing and their pens are tap-tapping on paper. They’re focused. They’re exposing ideas they think they should not have in the first place.

They’re so beautiful, writing away with passion and gusto.

And then, to hear someone jump in and volunteer to be the first to “go”–the first person ready to “do” The Work who has never been to this group before. I am so inspired.

Wow, how brave she is.

At least, this is my thought as a fairly extreme introvert.

How courageous to speak immediately, to read one’s entire worksheet, to put these thoughts into the room for all the ears to hear.

The thoughts that hurt so much were shared during our afternoon together: she left me, he lacks insight, they are bored with me, he raised his voice at me, she should work with me on a compromise, I want them to stop, his outbursts are getting worse, I want hope that something will change.

The Work, as you know so well, is four questions and finding turnarounds to these concepts that incite riots of feeling within.

I hear Katie’s voice saying “trust the work”.

This is about each one of us answering all the questions to the best of our abilities, in this present moment, with no expectations of the outcome.

In our mini-retreat, after sitting with two different participant’s worksheets, everyone got to pull one thought from their Judge Your Neighbor worksheet from #4: the prompt which says “In order to be happy, I need x to ______.”

We heard each person’s #4. I need him to say _____, I need her to act _____, I need them to be ______.

Everyone got to sit in this very active meditation of answering the four questions, out loud, about this need they had written down.

You can do it right now.

What is one thing you are sure would make you happy, if you got it–and you don’t have it now? Picture it coming from the outside world. A person saying “x”, a person giving you “y”, a person being like “z”. Something else coming to you, like money, or that item.

Is it true you need that in order to be happy?

Give your honest answer.

Can you be absolutely sure? Is it absolutely positively true you need that in order to be happy? Are you sure happiness is NOT possible unless it happens, in the difficult situation you’re aware of (even if it was a long time ago)?

How do you react when you think you need it, and it’s not showing up?

Oh lord. Disappointed. Waiting. Wishing. Worrying.

Who would you be without this troubling thought that you need “x” in order to be happy (seeing the mental video of what you think you need)?

I’d see what was happening right here, more honestly.

I’d notice I’m sitting in a family of people, some of whom I don’t know their life details, and yet they feel like fellow travelers on an exquisite journey.

I somehow wound up here, in a half-day retreat with other people wondering about the validity of their thinking, and willing to question it. People willing and interested in exploring.

I’d see how happiness is possible, or even here right now, whether I get “x” or not.

I love turning my thoughts around.

It never means I have to quit believing my original thought….I might notice I still worry it’s true, but I’m giving some substance and energy to this other opposite thought.

Everyone got to turn around their need in our group yesterday: I need ME to do that thing, say that thing, be that way WITH MYSELF. Especially in the presence of that other person.

Wow.

That’s true.

It’s the only thing I can really do anything about: myself.

And we looked at these needs closely. Everyone had the opportunity to contemplate and discover and find genuine ways they might live their turnarounds with themselves. 

For the one who believed she needed hope for change, she saw how she could give herself “hope” or a spark of encouragement. For the one who believed someone lacks insight, she could see how she lacked insight, and then notice how very insightful she is, and feel the power of trust.

For the one who thought they were bored with her, she found how she was bored with herself, so she could find  how she might feel the entertainment of what’s inside, and relax in other peoples’ presence.

If we lived a true turnaround to what we find when we do The Work….what might it look like?

Most importantly, what would it FEEL like?

You don’t even have to know what you’d do.

These words are all what people came up with as their anchor words for living their turnarounds this month, their awareness of something simple, condensed into one word, something unforgettable: Trust, Self-Compassion, Generosity, Allow, Relax, Worthiness, Creativity, Love. 

What I noticed was each one of these inquirers was the most adorable, perfect example of their turnaround.

“Peace doesn’t require two people; it requires only one. It has to be you. The problem begins and ends there.” ~ Byron Katie

You can be an example of a quality you thought you needed from outside yourself, too. You could imagine noticing how you have this quality already, or the capacity to feel it.

Living our turnarounds is so much fun.

And who knows….it may change the world.

Much love,

Grace

P.S. Spring Cleaning Retreat has 3 spots open May 16-20 in Seattle. Come find your turnarounds with us.

P.P.S. Next Living Turnarounds Half-Day is April 22nd.

Living Your Turnarounds: Simple, Fluid, Kind, Fearless….yes you can

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Let’s do The Work together, and live our turnarounds: monthly LTA group

This coming weekend, a group will be gathering with a focus of Living Turnarounds.

What does this mean?

Well, since you’re aware of The Work, you’ll know that the very last step of questioning your thoughts is to turn them around.

As in….finding the very opposite, and not using it like an affirmation (unless this brings you joy) but instead sitting with each turnaround, no matter how weird it feels or sounds, and considering in this world of duality how it could be as true, or truer.

Sometimes the Turnarounds bring remarkable ah-ha’s, lightbulbs, awareness of what you DO have power to change, in a really loving and excited way.

Maybe you even discover where you need to make amends, to another person, or to yourself, so you bring the past to a close and you can stop regurgitating it, stop thinking about it constantly, stop trying to make it right….because you’ve done your best, and it’s now over.

When I was going through a separation and divorce, I did The Work fairly frequently on the thoughts I was experiencing that produced enormous fear about my life in the future.

I can’t do this alone, I’m abandoned, I’m lost, I’m a failure, I’m worthy of being left, I’m not able to earn enough money, I did it wrong, I’m lonely.

As I did The Work on this over time, day after day (I did The Work about three times a day during that period over ten years ago) I would find turnarounds that “clicked”.

Sometimes they scared me.

They looked like this: I can do this alone, I’m set free, I’m found, I’m a success, I’m worthy of being enjoyed, I’m able to earn enough money, I did it right, I’m connected.

I had to concentrate with my mind to find examples of each turnaround.

How could they be just as true, or truer, than my original stressful thought?

It might have felt shaky and not very confident, but I would get a different feeling inside my body, at a very deep level, as I found the turnarounds to be just as true. Why not?

Then I would consider, as I felt the new, alive, excited, fearless, thrilled, relaxed or more stable awareness within….

….how would I live this?

What could I do, say, be, think, feel, in order to live this turnaround?

What would it look like?

How would I go through my day, with the new awareness, the new feeling, living a turnaround that I was safe, creative, and able? That maybe this was an exciting changing time of wonder and joy? That I could earn enough to support myself on my own?

I signed up for a Qigong class. I took a women’s workshop on human sexuality. I enrolled in a program on women’s empowerment and joy. A friend told me about something called Ecstatic Dance where you could dance however you like without talking to anyone (I went).

I invited people I knew who were musicians over to sing together like I had done long ago (lots of piano and guitar playing and singing in my past, and I hadn’t done it for years) and called it Sing Thing. I began applying for jobs and figured out where I have something to offer, even though I had not been working full time for ten years.

My life began to blossom, to become more than it had ever been prior to this “terrible” thing called the process of divorce.

Who would YOU be without your story?

This is not a matter, I found, of making a list and “doing” it. Like setting goals you think you “should” achieve or do.

These new joys came to me because of inquiring into my deepest, most painful thoughts about what was happening….the worst that was happening.

And then feeling what it was actually like to live in this body without that thought.

There are some wonderful questions you can contemplate to help you find barriers to living the life you want, your immunity to change, the inner reasons you don’t “live” the way you think would bring you peace.

When I investigated….

….*Ping*….the idea would come to talk to a friend about energy and physical movement, and I’d be led down a road with tiny sweet breadcrumbs to “I know someone who teaches a class starting next week, you’d fit right in”.

“When we stop opposing reality, action becomes simple, fluid, kind, and fearless.” ~ Byron Katie

This coming Sunday is the first Living Turnarounds group October 23rd 3-6 pm northeast Seattle in Goldilocks Cottage (my house). Sign up here or hit reply to let me know you’ll be here this weekend. We’ll meet once a month through June 2017. There are some people coming from far distances, and not everyone attending this Sunday can plan on being present for every session, so that’s the way of it. If you can only come one at a time, you’re welcome. You can pay as you go.

We’ll do The Work on what stands between you and living a simple, fluid, kind and fearless life, in any area you truly desire.

Much love,

Grace

I had a massive hissy fit…and after The Work…I had a Living Turnaround

DO NOT INTERRUPT ME!! Have you ever had this thought with a vengeance? Living the Turnaround can be.....sweeter than sugar
DO NOT INTERRUPT ME!! Have you ever had this thought with a vengeance? Living the Turnaround can be…..sweeter than sugar

Oh rats.

The other day I screwed up big time.

If there was a camera in the room, or you were a fly on the wall, I’d be soooooo embarrassed.

I got angry with my 19 year old daughter.

I was on skype on my computer, working with a client. She entered the room, gesturing wildly, looming over me and obviously very frustrated. I couldn’t figure out what she was trying to ask. She grabbed a piece of paper and wrote things aggressively on it. She tapped the paper hard.

I squeezed my eyes shut, looked down at my computer keyboard, and kept going with my client.

She was still there five minutes later.

Still there.

I glanced up, her teeth clenched, eyes burning a hole into my head.

She was NOT getting the message that I should be left ALONE.

Thank goodness the client I was working with was audio only, not video. It was like a thing inside me went ballistic and exploded and I screamed at her. OK, it wasn’t really a scream, but it was like a vicious hiss without sound. I was mouthing the words.

GET OUT OF HERE! NOW!!

Now I was gesturing wildly pointing my finger at the door. Flailing around like a nut case.

OUT! OUT! GET! OUT!

Inside it felt like World War III.

She left, and slammed the front door.

Later, as I walked through The Work with my reaction, focusing on that powerful moment, when I got to the turnarounds, I knew this was one of those pieces of work where action needs to happen.

The Living Turnaround.

I’m preparing curriculum on this very topic for the upcoming Breitenbush retreat, only two weeks away.

(By the way, there are four spots left at Breitenbush Hotsprings Annual Retreat June 22-26. This is the last year with the deeply experienced and supportive assistance of Susan Beekman, also Certified Facilitator, who has come with me every single year since we started offering this workshop together in 2011. I’ll probably be doing it in 2017, but she’s retiring).

Finding your own personal Living Turnarounds is very powerful, and sometimes tricky. It doesn’t come so easy.

Because it’s nice to do The Work and everything, and imagine dropping thoughts, changing uncomfortable ideas to exciting ideas, switching things into the positive from what was before feeling negative, watching stress release itself from your mind and heart.

But if it stays up in the head as an intellectual or purely cognitive exercise, without sinking down into the body and into our every move…

…then, well…it’s not really transformative.

Not that we can exactly control transformation (haha) because if we could, we’d all be completely and entirely transformed by now. All foibles and imperfections shaved off and smoothed down. Goals reached, accomplishments made, projects achieved, relationships resolved.

No tantrums and waving arms about in fury.

Sigh. Chuckle.

So how DO we live our turnarounds, or discover more specifically our “living turnarounds”?

Well lets just say as a wild example, you do The Work on the stressful belief “she should NOT f$%&ing interrupt me!!!”

Your turnarounds are the following (without the cussing):

  • she should interrupt me
  • I shouldn’t interrupt myself
  • I shouldn’t interrupt her
Even though you may have a new perspective on the idea that she shouldn’t interrupt you, and you allow reality to be as it is, it doesn’t mean you constantly have your fingers crossed that you hope she interrupts you even MORE than ever, and your living turnaround is to keep the interruption going.

 

LOL!

 

That would be weird.

 

But you might find it very appealing to live the turnarounds “I shouldn’t interrupt myself” and “I shouldn’t interrupt her”.

 

You might sit and contemplate these, and find three ways you could act or be or feel like someone who supports these beliefs, who holds them as sacred, who is committed to these turnarounds as the greater truth.

 

You don’t like yourself when you interrupt. You want to understand your own internal incessant interruptions (anger, rage, fear, distraction) so you begin to see what it might look like to be someone who honors these turnarounds of NOT interrupting, and actually live them.

 

At least, this was the case for me.

If I lived the turnaround “I shouldn’t interrupt her” I asked myself what comes to mind?

I suddenly realized she didn’t know how on alert I felt, and a little nervous, because this was a brand new client I was working with, who wasn’t super familiar with The Work, who just got diagnosed with cancer.

I was thinking about my own cancer diagnosis. I was also aware this was a private call, and she didn’t know I had a client in the first place, and I felt embarrassed about having my kid walk into the room.

The Living Turnaround became very clear. Crystal clear.

I shouldn’t interrupt my love for my daughter, I shouldn’t interrupt my love for myself. I shouldn’t get so freaked out with trying to help the client, or feel overly-responsible to the client so that I can’t handle one small interruption. I shouldn’t interrupt myself with my attempt to be the perfect facilitator, who doesn’t have interruptions.

Trust the universe. Including an interrupting daughter.

I shouldn’t interrupt Reality, and try to make it go MY way.

I knew how to live the turnaround. I owed her an explanation, an apology, and to let her know when I have a client scheduled, if I know she’s coming home.

I hardly had to wait to find a good time to live the turnaround. It was already happening within, on the inside of myself. I no longer felt any of that rage and anger. I saw there was other work to do about clients with cancer….and my empathetic thoughts about them (this is for another Grace Note).

The next morning at 6:45 am, daughter called from her dad’s house to ask me something. After we got the basic logistical thing handled she was asking, I said “you know yesterday, when I was so incredibly furious with you? Well, I’m so sorry. Here’s what was going on for me in that moment…..”

I was super honest, vulnerable and very sincere. I left nothing out. I spoke of my nervousness before she ever came in.

At the end, I said “I love you so much”.

She said “I love you too, mom”.

And you know what? She didn’t interrupt me once.

“You can find the truth only when you go inside. Going outside for a solution, trying to convince her to see it your way, is war. Fear is blind and deaf.” ~ Byron Katie in 1000 Names For Joy

Much love,

Grace

Peace Talk with Debra Ruh…..How do I live a turnaround?

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you are greater than your suffering

One of the most interesting exercises and invitations to us all as we do The Work and self-inquiry….

….is to wonder what it would be like to “live” a potent turnaround.

As you probably know….

….the turnarounds are all the opposite angles, perspectives and views to our stressful beliefs.

“He should give me flowers” becomes “he should not give me flowers” and “I should give him flowers” and “I should give myself flowers.”

We sit with these crazy opposites and find examples of how they are also true.

It doesn’t mean any of them are the “right” answer.

They’re like trying on completely different coats, or wearing a different pair of shoes (or moccasins, as the ancient wisdom native saying goes).

Sometimes, we’re hit with the implications of a turnaround, and we might feel great excitement in turning our life situation inside out into something new and different.

The situation that seems so very threatening and awful….

….with a turnaround seems challenging, but possible.

Or, super thrilling!

Or, hilarious!

We get to ask this awesome question: What If I Lived This Turnaround?

What if I actually went into the flower shop, and bought myself the most gorgeous bunch of flowers in the whole place?

Instead of holding onto my thought that HE should be the one doing the flower-buying.

If it can start with something simple, like buying myself just the thing I always wanted someone else to buy….

….what else might be possible to turnaround?

What if I really could bring something different to life, even out of the tragic thing I experienced?

Yesterday I got two sweet and brilliant examples of living turnarounds right before my eyes.

The first was….

….getting to talk with an amazing woman who has clearly lived an astonishing turnaround in her life after giving birth to a baby with down syndrome 28 years ago (Debra Ruh).

I was so moved by her lifetime example of turning her difficult experience into something beautiful, I interviewed her to share it with Peace Talk listeners.

(You can download this Episode 106 of Peace Talk on itunes right here).

The other example of a living turnaround yesterday was…..me.

I led a retreat online, with people dialing in using their phones or computers, for three hours about questioning love stories that hurt.

I shared my biggest painful love story of divorce (that has turned into a blessing).

You know what the living turnaround is?

That I was leading a Valentine’s Prep Day retreat online, where people came from all across the United States, Europe, Australia….

….and this is what I do for a living now.

I join with others to question stressful thoughts.

I get messages like these….both of which I also received in emails yesterday:

Thanks Grace. Really enjoyed this retreat. What a beautiful way to start the Valentine’s Weekend (or any weekend…..it’s only my stories telling me that there is something different /special about Valentine’s weekend). Will be a much more relaxed and pleasant weekend after doing The Work today. So I guess it *IS* a special weekend afterall! I so love YOU and doing The Work with you….THANKS!!! ~ Florida
 

Thank you Grace, 

You are a true teacher, the real deal. 
I love having found you! ~ Italy

I had the thought….wow….

….it’s bragging to share these beautiful comments.

But my life is full of these kinds of expressions of love now. Full of thoughtful, incredible people so sincere about questioning their suffering.

Who would you be if you lived one of your turnarounds?

If you opened up to the thing that happened, that incident, that relationship….

….could now morph into something spectacular, or new?

I was once on staff at a School for The Work and was partnered with a woman who was very distraught about a horrible tragedy in her life.

She had been the driver of a car, on a family vacation, and the tires had suddenly blown out (they were later recalled for all these types of vehicles) causing the SUV to flip wildly off the road.

The accident killed her husband, one of her daughters, and the best friend of her other daughter.

In her path of healing, at a future point in her life, she founded an organization to help people handle the shock of sudden death, including helping firefighters and police officers deliver shocking news to families after accidents.

I cried with her, as we did The Work together, as she undid the terrible pain one level further.

We could both already see, in that inquiry, how stunning it was to see what came out of what seemed awful. It was something helpful to humanity, to her community.

Love prevailed.

She’s an inspiration to people of overcoming accidental death and living an incredible life beyond beliefs about how reality should be.

Just like Debra Ruh, the woman I spoke with on Peace Talk.

Now….my own experiences have never been so dramatic.

But I certainly never could have dreamed I’d get to question my thinking, talk with other truly powerful people on a daily basis, or have three hours fly by while asking and answering questions, and turning suffering around into blessings.

What turnaround are you living right now?

Meditate on what it might look like, if you did turn what you’re imagining around.

Let it come in as an idea, an inspirational thought.

You don’t have to know right now….let it come to you.

Let it take as long as it takes.

“To exclude anything that appears in your universe is not love. Love joins with everything. It doesn’t exclude the monster. It doesn’t avoid the nightmare–it looks forward to it.” ~ Byron Katie

“The most authentic thing about us is our capacity to create, to overcome, to endure, to transform, to love and to be greater than our suffering.” ~ Ben Okri

Much love, Grace