Today I woke up thinking about one of my favorite people, someone who has been a really close friend in the past.
But we don’t talk much anymore. We haven’t seen each other in a really long time. My last emails went unanswered.
Inside, I felt a little sad.
There is distance here. That person is far away. No communication. No flow.
The mind immediately begins to make suggestions for solving the problem. DISTANCE is a problem, in this situation.
Have you ever noticed that the mind can actually speak to you in third person? My thoughts were going something like this:
I think you did something wrong! Maybe you weren’t interesting enough? Maybe you failed to share honestly about something? Perhaps you hurt his feelings? That last time you were together wasn’t ideal–maybe you should have talked about it? Something happened in this friendship, that’s for sure! You think you’ve sorted this through and reached the best conclusion possible, but NO. You haven’t!
Then another member of the Mind Committee appears on the scene to offer its opinion about this person you’re thinking about! Well…he did have a lot of faults…maybe this is all for the best! Remember how much he complained? He talked too much, he drank too much, he interrupted, he was a bad listener, he was too bossy…
It’s like the mind is making a case for defense, trying to argue its way to a peaceful conclusion.
As my mind took off on its journey to analyze the heck out of the exact same relationship that it has already thought about before, I realized…OH.
I haven’t done The Work yet on that person.
When the Mind Committee gets big enough to look like the Wall Street stock market floor with people shouting, noise, arms waving, and anger, worry, fear, doubt, and sadness all present….then that’s a very clear sign that sitting down and doing The Work might have been a good idea awhile ago.
If the Mind Committee has only sent two voices to come into the room and start talking (like my experience this morning when I woke up) then it might be a good idea to notice this and do The Work NOW, before it gets louder and bigger…before the reinforcements and teams of debaters are ordered in.
So I sat down and I wrote out my judgments. What do I want from him, that would make me happy? What do I need? What should he do, what should he say, or think, or feel?
Then I take only one of these thoughts, just one of them. I don’t have to question everything, I don’t have to get this whole thing wrapped up in one fell swoop. Time is not important here.
This is starting with only ONE stressful thought. It doesn’t have to be the “best” thought to question. It’s identifying an idea I have that I feel is serious, sad, painful.
He abandoned me.
Yes! That is sooooo true! He ditched me, he doesn’t have the staying power of a real friend, he’s shallow, superficial, he’s not cut out for real depth of honesty, he is flawed, good riddance!
Can I absolutely KNOW that it is TRUE that he abandoned me? Really? Can I know that Abandonment is what is going on here? And that he is doing it, 100%?
Well. Um. Not really. No. Now that I think about it, it isn’t true at all.
How do I react when I wake up with a memory of him and I have regrets, doubts, concern…when I am believing that he abandoned me?
SAD SAD SAD.
Who would I be without the thought that he abandoned me? If I really couldn’t even have this belief? If it didn’t occur to me? Who would I be if I came from another world and got dropped into this situation without the thought that ABANDONMENT is going on here?
I notice that I think about him and feel happiness. How much I loved our conversations. How much laughing, crying, intimacy has happened. Gratitude for him, whether he is here at the moment or not. Appreciation for him….whether he responds to my emails or not. Smiling, without the thought.
The turnaround to the thought, the exact opposite, is “he did NOT abandon me.”
How is this just as true, or truer? Can I find real, genuine examples of ways he did not abandon me, even though there is distance, apparently, between us? Even though we haven’t talked in a long time?
Well, first of all…ahem…he is busy living his own life, and its not all about me. He has a huge project he’s working on. He’s traveling. He’s in an important primary relationship in his life that he’s trying to sort out. He’s taking care of himself.
I don’t have to know all about it. I don’t have to know the details. I mean….really. Would I want to say “stop doing all those things and take time out to contact ME! You need to show ME that you care. Where are you? Get over HERE! You need to come towards ME. ME ME ME.”
Sigh. This Work is NOT about raking yourself over the coals, listing your faults and concluding that you yourself are the culprit. THAT kind of turning-it-around is not compassionate or loving.
Seriousness is a clue that you are attacking yourself in some way, if you turn something around and it feels painful at first.
So I notice it is kinda funny, this whole all-eyes-on-me thing that happens eternally, with the little unquestioned mind. Everything is about me. He isn’t living his life, making his own choices and decisions, out there in the world. Nooooo, he abandoned me!
And ultimately, there is the turnaround to myself that I look at through this process of The Work: “I abandoned myself”.
How is THAT true, right in the middle of this friendship? Right in the middle of this memory of that person, as I woke up this morning?
I abandoned myself as quickly as you can say Jack Robinson. The minute I thought of that dear person, I related him to ME and instead of feeling loving, sweet, affectionate, grateful, and full of joy…I felt slighted, attacked, dismissed, judged, uncared for, confused and abandoned.
In the present moment, with the memory of that person, I was sad.
I must confess….this thought of abandonment has been one I have had before. No! Really? OMG! (joke).
I notice that another example of how I abandon myself is that I have believed the Universe itself….love, security, happiness, care, joy….all of this has abandoned me at times.
I have believed that the Universe/God/Source is not friendly but instead totally uncaring, in a bad way. Those difficult things happened that were scary, terrible, threatening.
I remember now, in this morning’s Work, that this thought I have had, about this friend, is something I have thought before about all THIS. The world. Life. Oh yeah, that’s right. I’m doing my Abandonment Thinking thing.
“It takes a lot of courage to go inside yourself and find genuine answers to the four questions of The Work. When you do, you lose all your stories about the world–you lose the whole world as you understood it to be….You open your arms to reality. Just show me a problem that doesn’t come from believing an untrue thought.”~ Byron Katie
Could it be true, or truer, that there is no abandonment going on, ever…except in my own mind? Could it be true that this mysterious World is never abandoning me?
Because as it turns out, I’m sitting here, breathing, alive, typing, drinking tea, seeing rain come down outside the window.
I mean, there is stuff EVERYWHERE. Objects, colors, sensation, light, heart beating, furniture, heat, windows, aliveness, a bird squalking somewhere, rain tapping on the roof, image of my friend, peace…joy.
“Failure is an opportunity. If you blame someone else, there is no end to the blame. Therefore the Master fulfills her own obligations and corrects her own mistakes. She does what she needs to do and demands nothing of others.”~Tao Te Ching #79
I demand nothing of others? That means I don’t demand they “not abandon” me. I don’t assume they have.
Suddenly, it’s a very friendly universe.
Love, Grace