Have you ever wondered why you like someone?
There are often qualities we are conditioned to understand, enjoy, “get”, or relate to easily and well. When someone comes along with just the right amount of the formula that we can relate to, we like them. It may even feel so familiar, like you’ve come home, that you think “OMG! You’re the one I’ve been waiting for! This is FANTASTIC!”
And it’s REALLY REALLY fascinating and wonderful to ask yourself; why? Why this person? Why now? Why am I so drawn? Why do I like them sooooooo much?
What is going on here?
Anthony De Mello writes in his sweet book Awareness “If you’re attached to appreciation and praise, you’re going to view people in terms of their threat to your attachment or their fostering of your attachment.”
I remember realizing that with some people, the actual reason I liked them, as Tony De Mello also discovered, is that they do the behavior or say the words that show they are enjoying themselves in my company, they are feeling good, I am feeling good. We are appreciating each other.
I like them because they like me. They like me because I like them. It’s like we recognize each other as people who can give and receive appreciation, love, approval, praise in a way that is comfortable, familiar.
It’s like there’s a measurement device faster than the speed of thought that is a very sensitive sensor, looking at all these energies or personality traits and behaviors. All of it getting measured against the comfort zone. My comfort zone.
It’s like getting into a mode where we’re tasting the personalities of porridge, like Goldilocks, and we know immediately when it’s JUST RIGHT.
Now, there is absolutely nothing wrong with the beauty of connecting, making intimate contact with someone (or many), being real, honest, joyful….being around someone who inspires you!
But this attachment sensor is powerful. It’s even become a theory in the psychological field, that people are driven by their conditioning around attachment and connection.
So what happens when you really like someone, you’ve had a wonderful feeling with them, deep intimate connection….and then they drift away, or tell you it’s not working for them? They say NO. They’re too busy, they don’t have the time, their life circumstance changed and they aren’t available anymore. They don’t return your calls.
Rats.
You may get to find out what you’ve been attached to.
They don’t like me after all, I did something wrong, I offended them. What did I say, do or think that distressed them? I have to figure it out. I am not important, I am not lovable, I am not worth it to them, I am dismiss-able, I am worthy of being ignored. This is terrible, this is a problem. Agony, worry, fear, hand-wringing, busy mind.
The scale of this pain can be at a level of 100, like when your life partner of 20 years leaves….or it can be a 10 like when a co-worker you used to have a coffee break with every day says they don’t have time for that anymore.
“The truth is everything will be OK as soon as you are OK with everything. And that’s the only time everything will be OK.”~ Michael Singer
I start with the most simple of core stressful thoughts in this situation, where I am here with myself, and that person I have so enjoyed seems to be gone.
I need to talk with them, I need to be with them NOW….Is that true? Am I OK right here in this moment, without their presence? Can I connect with others, if I want to talk or listen?
This one human being out of billions on the planet is the ONLY ONE that will resolve this feeling of detachment. Like a baby whose mother dies. Only that human being, that baby’s mother returning, will bring genuine happiness back.
IS THAT ABSOLUTELY TRUE?
Could it be that if someone is gone, if they break up with me, if they move away, perhaps even if they die, that I can still be happy? Could I get what I need and want from someone else?
“How do we love ourselves? One way is by not seeking approval outside ourselves–that’s my experience. By not seeking approval outside myself, I come to see that I already have it. I don’t want approval; I want people to think the way they think. If I seek your approval, it’s not comfortable.”~Byron Katie
I notice that when I question my thoughts about that person and their level of contact with me (or lack of it) that I have no idea really what it means. I can’t know at all it means they don’t like me, care about me, or that I am worthy of being left.
And there are so so many other human beings in the universe…and more places in this world than anyone could ever explore. So many possibilities!
There is intimacy right here in this moment. Appreciation for this present moment.
I once saw a motivational speaker called Bob Proctor on film talking about how much he enjoyed his own company. He was so enthusiastic. So full of playful happiness! He exclaimed “I just LOVE myself! I am so much fun to be around!” and then he kissed his own hand with such childlike joy, it made me laugh out loud.
That is what it is like without the thought that I need that person to come back, to say they like me, to say I didn’t do anything wrong, to comfort me, to call me.
Without the thoughts that anyone should be nearer than they are, without feeling attached or detached or concerned or anxious or fearful…I appreciate myself. I find what is lovely, precious and comforting, right here, right now.
At some point
Your relationship With God
Will become like this:
Next time you meet Him in the forest
Or on a crowded street
There won’t be anymore “Leaving”.
That is,
God will climb into Your pocket.
You will simply just take
Yourself
Along!
~Hafiz
You are beautiful.
Love, Grace
P.S. Only a few spots left to do The Work for a day in Seattle. Come join us in this amazing process of identifying your painful thinking, and questioning it! Write grace@workwithgrace.com to reserve your spot.
Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven In-Person Intensive Seattle 12/1 10 am – 6 pm.
Horrible Food Wonderful Food Weekend In-Person Intensive Seattle January 12-13, 2013 Saturday 10 – 5:30, Sunday 1:30-5:30. To register for either weekend workshop, click here!Fill in the workshop fee after you click the Buy button at the bottom of the page. You can use paypal or any credit card (you don’t need a paypal account).
Mark your calendar for Breitenbush, the end of June! We will be looking at all aspects of what we consider to be flaws in the body, and Un-doing our beliefs about them. Stay tuned if you’d like to join me and Susan Grace Beekman from June 26-30, 2013. You can change your internal beliefs about what you think bodies should be like….and change your entire experience of being in yours.
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