When people start becoming interested in questioning their thinking they often come to see me, or enroll in a teleclass, and say “I don’t really know what I’m thinking but I feel bad” or “I have so many judgmental thoughts, I don’t know where to begin!”
“I could do The Work for hours, I have so many thoughts…..I’ll need to do The Work DAILY…for 100 years!”
“I feel terrible, I experience stress all the time, I can hardly get relief!”
Have you ever noticed, though, how if you hit a core, underlying way of seeing someone in your world who looks troubling, and you shift some small part of it, bring some light to it, connect with another person about it, understand it differently…then other people in your world also start looking better?
Who has brought enormous judgments up in your life? Who has represented a source of stress, anxiety, anger, or fear? If they had only been different….you wouldn’t have had such a hard time. You would be in a different place now.
That person is the one to do The Work on.
Some people will exclaim “BUT! I’ve done so much therapy work on my father! My mother! My sibling! My spouse!” They don’t want to go there again, or focus even more on these key people in their lives.
Byron Katie oftens says that The Work is not therapy. It is a modality of self-inquiry, a simple but profound process of looking at how YOU are actually looking at people.
Those difficult people may have done very harmful things, said very painful things, acted in ways that were extremely damaging, it appears. Everyone may agree with you when they hear your story of how these people behaved and how hard it was.
It is often incredibly powerful to share your perspective, to see what this story is that you are telling to others, and to yourself.
But the most powerful thing is to actually feel an internal change about how YOU experience that person. Without them changing at all.
Can I be happy with them, as they are, without condemning them or defending against them? Can I stop with the internal war?
Can I remember that person, can I be in their presence, can I allow them to be the way they are, doing what they do, and stay connected to my own happiness and joy?
For me, that is the true sign that all is well with me. I see that person, place, situation, memory, event….and I discover that it is still a friendly universe, with them in it. I feel love, I feel surrender, trust, openness, peace.
Doing The Work cuts through the details to the very core underlying beliefs I have about THAT DIFFICULT PERSON and moves me into a broader, more expanded vision of what I see, how I see.
Then the rest of the world starts looking better, amazingly. The rest of the world starts looking like it does when you fall in love and every moment is exciting, full of wonder, anticipation, and joy.
Only you aren’t believing this feeling comes from outside of you, from another human being. It’s coming from inside of you and the way you see.
When I go all the way back to the most troubling person (or people) in my world, and I question what I’m thinking about them, what I believe I learned from them, how I think they affected me and hurt me….
The most amazing thing happens. Freedom.
If we felt good already, if we felt happy, joyful, awake and free…we wouldn’t be drawn to do The Work in the first place.
Who in your life, when you think of them, brings up sadness in you, or anger, or nervousness, worry, disappointment?
Go there. Look again. Write down your judgments of that person. Keep them simple. Be thorough. Be petty, mean, obnoxious. Do not edit yourself. Be non-politically correct, rude, controlling, bitchy, needy, desperate, embarrassing.
These thoughts can now be the gold of your awakening. Really.
Don’t sigh and think “I already did this, I already have looked…” It is OK to look again since the judgments still exist. Since they are there, they are waiting and available to be seen, with new eyes.
This may be the last time you ever see this way again, if you dive into self-inquiry in a truly honest way by answering the Four Questions. Milk it for all its worth.
“The apparent craziness of the world, like everything else, is a gift that we can use to set our minds free. Any stressful thought that you have about the planet, for example, shows you where you are stuck, where your energy is being exhausted in not fully meeting life as it is, without conditions…Until you can love what is—everything, including the apparent violence and craziness—you’re separate from the world, and you’ll see it as dangerous and frightening. I invite everyone to put these fearful thoughts on paper, question them, and set themselves free.”~Byron Katie
If you’d like help with this process and to start from right where you are…there is one space left in the Seattle One Day workshop next Saturday. Write grace@workwithgrace.com if you’re the one. If your only reason not to come is financial, please ask about scholarship help.
So Good To See The Value of The Work
I wanted to tell you how much I appreciated your class. It was so good to learn Inquiry on a deeper level and to see the value, first hand, of doing The Work with others (as opposed to doing it solo.) Thank you so much for making it possible for me and for being such a clear, living example of “being the Work”.~ Becky, Class participant
Love, Grace
Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven In-Person Intensive Seattle 12/1 10 am – 6 pm.