Not Deciding Creates Fourth of July Sparkles

OK so only two days until the Cleanse, the annual program in Los Angeles where Byron Katie works with folks up on stage, and it is about as powerful for those in the audience as those on stage.

I have plane tickets, and room reservations, and my ticket in to the program.

But for those of you who have been following my story, I haven’t actually been sitting much for awhile.

As in, I haven’t been sitting AT ALL. Literally. Like, in a chair or on a couch.

Since my reattachment surgery where they pinned my torn hamstring back to my pelvic sits bone, I am experiencing life with a pain in the ass.

This time, it’s actually true.

Except when I’m lying down. In which case, it’s no longer true.

And the pain is less than half what it was last week.

But about that sitting part. 

One has to “sit” on an airplane, right?

My mind begins to wonder. How is this going to work (or NOT work)? If I try it, will it hurt? Is it worth some pain, and how much pain?

This is the question many ask when they are getting into a new relationship. Or thinking about taking a new job, or quitting a job, or traveling somewhere far away, or starting a new “program” or training or group, or contemplating divorce, or selling their house.

Will it hurt?

The way I once was:

…avoid anything that hurts, feels bad, is scary….go towards anything that feels comforting, easy, safe, good.

Kinda simple, seems logical, basic human survival. Right?

But what if your thoughts are not logical, basic, or simple? What if you have completely opposing thoughts? What if everything you’re operating from is pretty conditioned, or learned, and not necessarily EASY?

Like “climbing this mountain will require a lot of intense physical work” and “intense physical work is boring”.

Or “I won’t do anything that hurts” and “when my heart beats fast and I have adrenaline or I want to cry, that equals feeling HURT”.

Or “I really love the taste of this yummy thing I’m eating” and “it is horrible to have to stop eating when I’m full”.

In these three situations, if both thoughts are running pretty loud and steady, you’ll never go on a mountain climb, you’ll try very hard not to cry or have a quick beating heart, and you’ll feel really conflicted about when to stop eating something tasty.

What I’ve learned with doing The Work over time, is that every single situation is extremely unique, so there is no way to know what will be the best, most ideal, powerful, spirited choice, until you know it.

I’ll show you what I mean.

Here are some of my repetitive thoughts about The Cleanse event that have been swinging by for a short visit, like noticing a ticker-tape in the corner with my thoughts running by on it:

• I need to decide whether or not to go
• I hate to waste money by canceling
• I should take care of myself
• It will hurt
• It won’t hurt
• I don’t want to regret my decision, whatever it is
• I’ll really miss it if I don’t go

You may have a decision….perhaps an even much bigger one….that has consequences that you’re uncertain about.

Is it true that it could hurt? Is it possible that I’ll have regrets? Will I miss something, whether I go or stay? Could I lose money?

Yes! These appear to be true.

And IF it hurts, or I experience regret ever, or I miss something, or I lose money, or things get rough, or I’m afraid at some point in the future….is any of this TERRIBLE?

Do I need to make sure to avoid all this, whatever it may be, in the future?

No!

How do I react when I believe that I could make the wrong decision, that it might hurt, that I could suffer, that I’ll miss or waste something?

Very careful.

Cautious, closed. I don’t ask questions. I don’t call the airlines and see what my options are. I don’t speak up. I don’t ask myself what will really be right for me, physically, with love, tenderness, and great joy and caring.

I don’t have patience. I want to know NOW what I really can’t know yet, because I don’t.

And who would I be without the thought that I need to decide, I need to know…or without the thoughts that I could feel regret, loss, sadness, or hurt? That I could do it wrong?

Totally and completely relaxed…..and then excited.

Without all these thoughts, I feel like I am my own best friend, and I’ll do what is perfect for me. I’ll get on the phone, I’ll get on the plane or NOT get on the plane.

Without the commands or worries that I should know what it will be like, later, in the future, and make sure it hurts as little as possible (assuming it could) I would feel peace, with this mysterious moment NOW.

I would feel adventurous, willing, looking forward to. I would realize it’s not possible to have regrets when opening to this reality.  

“We know just how everything should be. We have the perfect, though ever-evolving, blueprint of just how things should be at every moment, including the imaginary moments of past and future. And if you look closely and honestly, it’s never like…THIS. We live in an ongoing argument in our heads in order to take our stand as independent entities instead of awareness.” ~ Fred Davis in Beyond Recovery 

I turn my thoughts around and find the opposite to be as truer than my original thinking:

• I do NOT need to decide whether or not to go, I can look at who this “I” is that supposedly needs to decide
• I won’t waste money by canceling, I love the money I’ve given already, and actually…I will spend less at home
• I do take care of myself, I should NOT take care of myself until I do (and calling the airlines is one way I can change), I am taken care of no matter what I think
• It will hurt and that’s temporary, educational, fascinating
• It won’t hurt and that’s temporary, educational, fascinating
• I won’t regret my decision…and if I do I can do The Work
• I’ll really miss something else if I do go, or perhaps I will miss absolutely nothing

“The Master doesn’t try to be powerful, because she realizes how unnecessary that is. Power doesn’t need a plan. Everything gravitates to it. With each moment, new options are born. It’s like a Fourth of July sparkler: you light it with a match, and sparks fly. Each moment is like that, a new opportunity to be used. If someone says no, the Master sees options as the sparks flying from its center.” ~ Byron Katie in 1000 Names For Joy