Tag: decisions

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if you’re of sound mind, how can you possibly believe?

You can make the wrong decision….is that true? It’s YOUR decision….is that true?

The other night, my husband and I got in the car as the sun set, on a glorious warm spring evening here in Seattle.

We were headed for an annual event, a great friend’s birthday party–always lively, full of music, dancing, conversations, costumes, re-connecting, joking.

And then I said….”Wow, I’m kind of tired. I’d almost rather stay home and rest and hang out with you.”

I had been on a road trip that very day, driving a couple of hours to another town with my daughter and mom to tour the same college I graduated from–a bit of a memory-lane experience for me. My daughter was accepted there, but not so sure she wanted to attend.

It had been an emotional day, a day full of feelings, long-forgotten images.

I had told several other friends, who always went to this big shin dig every year, that I wasn’t guaranteed to be there, because of this college visitation day.

I knew after a long day on the road, heading out for a party might not be on the top of the self-care list.

Right when I suggested out loud about not going…..my husband said “Really? Well, if you don’t want to, I’m COMPLETELY happy to turn this car around and go back home.”

Six minutes later, we were back home.

We were both asleep by ten o’clock.

At 2:30 am, I woke up thinking about my former life in college and what a strange, uncomfortable, self-destructive, anxiety-ridden time it had been, whether or not my daughter would be OK if she attended the same school, all the fun I missed at the party that night and the people I didn’t get to see, the final IRS payment I needed to make for taxes, my upcoming Eating Peace retreat next week.

Fortunately for me…..I could feel the Not-True-ness of the wee-hours thoughts, and I soon fell back to sleep again.

But it reminded me of how painful it used to be to think I made the wrong decision.

  • I should have gone to a different college
  • I should have been more mentally healthy when I was in my twenties
  • I should have gone to that party last night
  • I should have chosen a more solid career earlier in life
  • I should have married an entrepreneur long ago, or a playwright

If you’ve ever thought you made the wrong decision, it can be a horrible feeling if you think the consequences or outcome is BAD.

Not long ago, a young woman wrote to me saying she needed help, she was filled with such regret about saying “no” to a man who asked her to marry him.

He went on to get married to another woman.

Her heart was broken, she said she felt desperate, devastated, like she’d made a terrible decision.

But who would she be without her belief her decision was “wrong”?

Who would any of us be without the belief that our past decisions were the “wrong” decisions?

What if we truly didn’t know? What if it was not true? What if it went the way it went for a very important reason?

Who would you be without your story that it should have gone differently, and YOUR DECISION was the cause of your suffering?

Even though you have a voice, and you did say “no” and you were the one who walked away, or you were the one who chose (apparently), you were the one who said “yes”, you were the one who did or didn’t follow a path, you were the one who turned left….

….who would you be without the belief this was all up to you.

This doesn’t mean it was someone else’s fault suddenly. This is more like, who would you be without it being anyone’s “fault” at all?

What if it should have gone just as it went?

Can you find anything, whatsoever, coming out of that decision and how things unfolded, that benefitted your life?

I notice, when I look at what resulted from my decisions, and trust the way life ran itself, many good things came from every choice (and I’m not sure it was ever “me” solely choosing anything, to be honest).

That college gave me support, kindness, and attention that no other more competitive environment had given me. I graduated. I grew more honest. I dated a very loving boyfriend. I had an amazing therapist who lived in the town of that college who taught me the art of journaling to get to know myself.

My mental suffering led me to a passion so deep for understanding the human condition, I was lit up with learning ever since. My career was awakening, what could be more thrilling, and why would I want anything more solid?

I should have married exactly who I did, and NOT married exactly who I did not. I should have married myself (the practice of a lifetime, and pure joy to be married to “me” now).

I should not have gone to that party the other night.

It was a beautiful, restful, gentle night of silence, wondering, making peace with my college days, making friends with thinking, meditating in the night, spending time with my life partner husband in great connection, watching the rest of Mooji (one of my favorite teachers) miraculously on video even though he was in India and I was in Seattle, feeling the space of inner peace deep, deep within, feeling grateful.

Can you find, in this present moment, what is OK about it, no matter what decision you ever made?

YOU made that decision, is it true?

“When you believe you can make the wrong decision…you’re in past, future, past, future…don’t worry about the present, just past, future, past, future!….The universe will give you what you need. There are soooo many advantages. If you’re of sound mind, how could you possibly believe you made a mistake?” ~ Byron Katie video clip youtube

Every thought somehow, lately, feels less true than ever, and fading into oblivion.

Without this moment having anything wrong with it–including a past decision?

Presence, here now. Life. Joy. It is a feeling in the very center of anything that could be thought.

Can you feel it?

Much love, Grace

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Inquiry Helps A Decision Make You

People have written, called, emailed…..and one lovely woman in a rain-covered jacket knocked on my door yesterday, in person, to hand me her registration for Year of Inquiry.

I love this.

How sweet to connect with others this way.

I was reflecting last night on the words “deadline” and “early-bird”.

So boring really. Frequently used when people are offering things for purchase or registration or sale or trade for some kind of financial number.

I suddenly remembered the etymology (the origin) of the word deadline. I looked it up a couple of years ago.

What a drastic word, right?

It was invented during the Civil War in the United States, around 1864, when guards were instructed to shoot and kill anything that moved over a do-not-cross line. Prisoners trying to escape.

Hmmmm.

This is not the intention, energy, feeling or sentiment within me when it comes to saying today is the day to make a decision (in this case about Year of Inquiry, although you might have another kind of decision in your life that you call “deadline”).

Will it mean the death of your opportunity, if you don’t decide on yes or no right now?

Unlikely.

I used to feel dreadful about decisions. Agonizing about them. Making lists of pros and cons. Thinking about the risk, the loss, the gain, the advantage, the future.

But sometime after I found The Work and self-inquiry, I heard Byron Katie talking about the concept “I need to make a decision.”

And how it wasn’t true.

Then I heard Adyashanti (another favorite teacher I’ve spent time with) and HE questioned the concept “I need to make a decision.”

And how it wasn’t true.

I wrote down this concept so it was right in front of me in words.

Because I thought at the time, almost ten years ago, that I needed to make a decision about the request from my then-husband about whether or not to get divorced.

Then I did The Work, rather than “try” to make a decision.

Who would I be without the belief “I have to make this decision” or “I need to” or “I must”?

So much lighter. So much more natural.

Noticing I felt worried, but I just plain did not know yet.

Turning this concept around to try it on the opposite way…..“I do NOT need to make a decision”.

I kept noticing how this was also true, more true.

Despite those advisors who suggest “not making a decision IS a decision” (say this in a slightly parrot-like voice for effect).

Whatever.

I notice, if it’s right for me (even if it feels scary or sad or mixed) then at the fork in the road, I turn right. It it’s left for me, I turn left.

If I really don’t know, I sit down at the fork in the road and stay awhile, until something moves me.

I find without the thought that a decision needs to be made, in my own business work when organizing and creating Year of Inquiry, a much more spacious, moving, open……even feminine way of gathering a group to join together appears.

It’s powerful, and mysterious and unknown as well.

Powerful does not mean lazer-focused and sharp like a sword.

Or deadly like a deadline.

I have done The Work on business practices and what you are “supposed” to do when you provide a service for others, and what practices should look like (based on recommendations by business experts) when you’re running a business.

They are just not always true.

Who would you be today without the belief that you need to know right now what to do, in any situation presenting itself in your life as an invitation?

If you don’t know, you can wait. Mull. Reach out. Have a conversation. Mull again. Analyze. Jump!

My favorite turnaround of all when it comes to stressful beliefs about decisions is this one: A decision needs to make me.

I notice the direction my joy travels. I watch the way my pleasure moves. I open up to what is happening right here, now.

I trust that what is best for me, the highest good, is unfolding perfectly, in the right timing for me, for you, for the world.

“You are the wisdom you’re seeking, and inquiry is a way to make that wisdom available whenever you want…..You can’t have an up without a down. You can’t have a left without a right. This is duality. If you have a problem, you must already have a solution. The question is, Do you really want the solution, or do you want to perpetuate the problem? The solution is always there. The Work can help you find it.” ~ Byron Katie in 1000 Names For Joy

If you want to investigate a problem, a decision, your solution, your life, your mind….I am here as a facilitator for your work, which becomes our work and my work.

And if you’re signing up for Year of Inquiry, or another 8 week class (scheduling soon) or the new business building class I will be starting this year (also to be determined when)…..

….your work becomes the group’s work, and others also support you in your enlightenment.

You can sign up for Year of Inquiry here, and remember if you need more time to gather your thoughts and discover your own decision, that is the way of it, the way it is.

Nothing will die.
Until it does.
Year-Of-Inquiry
starting in September

Retreat: September 25-27, 2015, here in Seattle (we start 9:30 am Friday and end 5 pm on Sunday).

If you’re doing telesessions only, the first week begins Tuesday, September 8th.
undefined Click here for Year of Inquiry full program with retreats in Seattle
undefined Click here for Year of Inquiry TeleSessions Only
If you need a payment plan for the year, now’s the time to ask. I will make it work for you if this is the work you want to do.
Much love,
Grace
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Not Deciding Creates Fourth of July Sparkles

OK so only two days until the Cleanse, the annual program in Los Angeles where Byron Katie works with folks up on stage, and it is about as powerful for those in the audience as those on stage.

I have plane tickets, and room reservations, and my ticket in to the program.

But for those of you who have been following my story, I haven’t actually been sitting much for awhile.

As in, I haven’t been sitting AT ALL. Literally. Like, in a chair or on a couch.

Since my reattachment surgery where they pinned my torn hamstring back to my pelvic sits bone, I am experiencing life with a pain in the ass.

This time, it’s actually true.

Except when I’m lying down. In which case, it’s no longer true.

And the pain is less than half what it was last week.

But about that sitting part. 

One has to “sit” on an airplane, right?

My mind begins to wonder. How is this going to work (or NOT work)? If I try it, will it hurt? Is it worth some pain, and how much pain?

This is the question many ask when they are getting into a new relationship. Or thinking about taking a new job, or quitting a job, or traveling somewhere far away, or starting a new “program” or training or group, or contemplating divorce, or selling their house.

Will it hurt?

The way I once was:

…avoid anything that hurts, feels bad, is scary….go towards anything that feels comforting, easy, safe, good.

Kinda simple, seems logical, basic human survival. Right?

But what if your thoughts are not logical, basic, or simple? What if you have completely opposing thoughts? What if everything you’re operating from is pretty conditioned, or learned, and not necessarily EASY?

Like “climbing this mountain will require a lot of intense physical work” and “intense physical work is boring”.

Or “I won’t do anything that hurts” and “when my heart beats fast and I have adrenaline or I want to cry, that equals feeling HURT”.

Or “I really love the taste of this yummy thing I’m eating” and “it is horrible to have to stop eating when I’m full”.

In these three situations, if both thoughts are running pretty loud and steady, you’ll never go on a mountain climb, you’ll try very hard not to cry or have a quick beating heart, and you’ll feel really conflicted about when to stop eating something tasty.

What I’ve learned with doing The Work over time, is that every single situation is extremely unique, so there is no way to know what will be the best, most ideal, powerful, spirited choice, until you know it.

I’ll show you what I mean.

Here are some of my repetitive thoughts about The Cleanse event that have been swinging by for a short visit, like noticing a ticker-tape in the corner with my thoughts running by on it:

  • I need to decide whether or not to go
  • I hate to waste money by canceling
  • I should take care of myself
  • It will hurt
  • It won’t hurt
  • I don’t want to regret my decision, whatever it is
  • I’ll really miss it if I don’t go

You may have a decision….perhaps an even much bigger one….that has consequences that you’re uncertain about.

Is it true that it could hurt? Is it possible that I’ll have regrets? Will I miss something, whether I go or stay? Could I lose money?

Yes! These appear to be true.

And IF it hurts, or I experience regret ever, or I miss something, or I lose money, or things get rough, or I’m afraid at some point in the future….is any of this TERRIBLE?

Do I need to make sure to avoid all this, whatever it may be, in the future?

No!

How do I react when I believe that I could make the wrong decision, that it might hurt, that I could suffer, that I’ll miss or waste something?

Very careful.

Cautious, closed. I don’t ask questions. I don’t call the airlines and see what my options are. I don’t speak up. I don’t ask myself what will really be right for me, physically, with love, tenderness, and great joy and caring.

I don’t have patience. I want to know NOW what I really can’t know yet, because I don’t.

And who would I be without the thought that I need to decide, I need to know…or without the thoughts that I could feel regret, loss, sadness, or hurt? That I could do it wrong?

Totally and completely relaxed…..and then excited.

Without all these thoughts, I feel like I am my own best friend, and I’ll do what is perfect for me. I’ll get on the phone, I’ll get on the plane or NOT get on the plane.

Without the commands or worries that I should know what it will be like, later, in the future, and make sure it hurts as little as possible (assuming it could) I would feel peace, with this mysterious moment NOW.

I would feel adventurous, willing, looking forward to. I would realize it’s not possible to have regrets when opening to this reality.  

“We know just how everything should be. We have the perfect, though ever-evolving, blueprint of just how things should be at every moment, including the imaginary moments of past and future. And if you look closely and honestly, it’s never like…THIS. We live in an ongoing argument in our heads in order to take our stand as independent entities instead of awareness.” ~ Fred Davis in Beyond Recovery 

I turn my thoughts around and find the opposite to be as truer than my original thinking:

  • I do NOT need to decide whether or not to go, I can look at who this “I” is that supposedly needs to decide
  • I won’t waste money by canceling, I love the money I’ve given already, and actually…I will spend less at home
  • I do take care of myself, I should NOT take care of myself until I do (and calling the airlines is one way I can change), I am taken care of no matter what I think
  • It will hurt and that’s temporary, educational, fascinating
  • It won’t hurt and that’s temporary, educational, fascinating
  • I won’t regret my decision…and if I do I can do The Work
  • I’ll really miss something else if I do go, or perhaps I will miss absolutely nothing

“The Master doesn’t try to be powerful, because she realizes how unnecessary that is. Power doesn’t need a plan. Everything gravitates to it. With each moment, new options are born. It’s like a Fourth of July sparkler: you light it with a match, and sparks fly. Each moment is like that, a new opportunity to be used. If someone says no, the Master sees options as the sparks flying from its center.” ~ Byron Katie in 1000 Names For Joy

With love, Grace

P.S. Free guidebook to peaceful eating, is right HERE. You’ll enter your email again, and be added to the Peaceful Eating list along with receiving the new guide in your Inbox.

 

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Should You Stay Or Should You Go?

There are some great, wide open, ever-developing questions in life…like what This all means?

But today, after many existential conversations lately (and they may never end) like “who are you?” I noticed the fun of going back to basics.

A wonderful inquirer was working on her desire to make a decision about a boyfriend this morning.

Should she stay or should she go?

What a common human question around relationships…but also moving, changing jobs, pursuing education….so many areas where the decision will apparently make a difference in life.

When I was a teenager and then later into my twenties (really, it is still part of my personality, just no angst about it now mostly) I had a TERRIBLE time making decisions.

Not only did I have a terrible time knowing which way to turn, which avenue to pursue, and whether to choose Yes or No, I also thought it was awful that I had such a difficult time MAKING the decision in the first place.

I had a lot of ideas that people who make decisions quickly and clearly are more powerful.Better. So of course, if I didn’t KNOW yet what to choose, I also felt secretly bad about myself.

Anyone having a hard time making a decision….I find out first if they’re judging themselves for NOT making one. They can question whether or not they really need to make one, really really right now.

They can question the thought “I SHOULD make a decision”.

But let’s say that part is handled, and they still have trouble deciding. They still feel anxious, or weigh the pros and cons, or research until after midnight, trying to “get” the answer.

What else might be going on?

There is something very important about this decision. It is life-changing. To get married or not, to have a child or not, to sell the house or not.

It SEEMS like it’s a big freakin’ huge decision.

What it has been for me is the perception of there being a RISK. Something to be afraid of.

Finding out what it is, the dangers about the upcoming possibilities after the decision, can offer incredible insights.

  • I might feel lonely
  • I will lose my current life as I know it
  • I could regret my choice
  • I’ll never get this person/place/home/experience back again
  • I’ll eliminate other possibilities in my life forever
  • I will feel bad, stressed, afraid, unhappy in the future…because of this decision

When there is a lot to lose, in your perception, and you really don’t want to lose then decisions can feel hard.

There is nothing wrong with projecting where peoples’ paths take them into a future most commonly, for example, should I attend graduate school or not? I may see that many people who love their work, and who have successful careers, also went to graduate school in a field they loved.

I may see that many people who get married are very content and happy in having one mate. I may see many people who downsize and live in a small home (or who upsize and live in a really big home) enjoy their lives.

As soon as you scratch the surface, however, you’ll see that the formula breaks down, and it’s actually impossible to know what will happen FOR YOU.

All you really have to base your decision on is what is happening right here, right now, in the present moment.

I either move towards or I move away from something in the present. Enough accumulated movements toward or movements away lead to something that looks different, later.

The sweet client decided to rewrite a Judge-Your-Neighbor worksheet on her boyfriend.

Rather than focusing on what she should or should not do.

That way, we could look at all the current judgments, thoughts, stressful beliefs, and upsets, and see if she was seeing them with clarity.

“The Master does his job and then stops. He understands that the universe is forever out of control, and that trying to dominate events goes against the current of the Tao. Because he believes in himself, he doesn’t try to convince others. Because he is content with himself, he doesn’t need others’ approval. Because he accepts himself, the whole world accepts him.”~Tao Te Ching #30

My job is to look at my fears, my worry about what I see HERE and NOW.

In the midst of not being able to control anything…not being able to change anyone….how can I feel the deep contentedness with myself no matter what is going on around me?

That person, those events, that institution, this situation…if I am content, I notice that it becomes very clear which direction to turn, left or right…or sit at the intersection for awhile.

I notice what feels like a more easy, contented match, for now, and that’s the way I move.

No idea what tomorrow will bring. Easy to say “yes”, easy to say “no” if its called for.

“When you become a lover of what is, there are no more decisions to make. In my life, I just wait and watch. I know that the decision will be made in its own time, so I let go of when, where, and how. I like to say I’m a woman with no future. When there are no decisions to make, there’s no planned future. All my decisions are made for me, just as they’re all made for you.”~Byron Katie

Weighing, thinking, examining all the possibilities are all fabulous…its a fun way to use the mind. But if you notice lots of anxiety under the surface about whatever decision is made…that’s the call to look deeper.

To do The Work.

And, you will know and be OK if it’s time to say goodbye because something different calls to you…moving away or moving toward, both exciting.

Much love, Grace