Month: December 2013

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The Hook Before The Fall

Quick announcement: If you are interested, or know someone who would be, in working with me in a small group to investigate bulimia or painful binge-purge eating, then I am offering a program for the first time for those with this type of disordered eating.

We’ll meet on Wednesdays, January 8th from 9-10:30 am Pacific Time and meet for 8 weeks. Send me a quick reply to this email and I’ll give you all the details. You can see for yourself if its right for you to participate.

*****

In so many ways, any one addiction is like every other addiction. People have their favorites, their specialties, the ones that “work” for them or that they are drawn to or trapped in.

But you don’t really call it an addiction until you see it does NOT actually work, it’s harmful, it’s a mixed love/hate kind of experience.

For me, I either ate food, smoked tobacco, or drank alcohol…or worried, obsessed, grew more and more fearful.

I remember the feeling right in the moment of moving towards the activity, even though I swore I wouldn’t do it again.

These were my thoughts:

  • I don’t care, I need this
  • I’d feel desperate (or irritated, angry, scared) without this “x”
  • there is no love, kindness, safety, power, rest, entertainment or care for me here now
  • it doesn’t matter what happens later
  • I’ll stop doing this tomorrow
  • I hate this feeling
  • I must satisfy this craving

It appears that there is a moment of discomfort, whether extreme or mild, or a painful idea or memory. Then comes anxiety, loneliness, pressure, wanting to relax, anger, mystery, emptiness, self-criticism, fear, craving, self-doubt, worry, sadness….

….and then these thoughts to ease that feeling, change the feeling, ASAP.

I know it all seems to happen very, very fast. Almost unconsciously. It begins to happen in the snap of a finger.

So let’s question the thoughts.

Is it true that you need to do this? Is it true that this feeling won’t end unless you do your activity (drink, smoke, eat, internet, phone, emails, shop, spend, TV, contact “x”)?

Is it true that you should control this feeling, this craving, or that it is too big for you right now?

Yes, it certainly felt that way. Overwhelming feelings, a pull like a gravitational force, like a wave that has to crash on the sand.

Can you absolutely know it’s true that you need to do this? That this moment and the feelings in it are too big right now?

No. Something feels right also about NOT engaging in this behavior. I know other people who don’t do it, and they’re fine.

Are you sure you’re powerless? Are you sure you’re not safe? Are you sure you’re not loved? Are you sure you can’t rest?

No.

How do you react when you think the thought that you need to do this thing that also hurts you? What happens?

I scream at myself in my own head. I feel scared, nervous, unhappy, alone. Against some parts of my life. I feel like giving up. I think it doesn’t matter anyway.

I call myself a loser.

But who would you be without the thought that this feeling is terrible? That you can’t handle this moment? That this is too uncomfortable? That you’re completely powerless (in a bad way)? That you need to go do that thing, get that food, drink that alcohol, smoke that cigarette, surf the internet?

Who would you be without the thought that there is no love, safety, rest, power, comfort and connection for you right here, right now?

Pause to see.

Without the thought “I need to do this”?

I might stop. I might cry. I might call someone for true, honest, intimate connection. I might lie down, rest, listen. I might punch a pillow and yell, or go on a walk. I might be silent.

I turn the beliefs around.

  • I do care, I don’t need to do this
  • I will feel desperate (or irritated, angry, scared) with this “x”
  • there is love, kindness, safety, power, rest, entertainment or care for me here now…how could I access it or receive it?
  • it does matter what happens later
  • I will stop doing this now (or, I will not stop doing this tomorrow)
  • I love/accept this feeling, I can stay with it, open to it
  • I must not satisfy this craving, this craving will end without me
“Nobody chooses dysfunction, conflict, pain. Nobody chooses insanity. This happens because there is not enough presence in you to dissolve the past…You are not fully here.” ~ Eckhart Tolle 

 

“An uncomfortable feeling is not an enemy. It’s a gift that says, ‘Get honest; inquire.’ We reach out for alcohol, or television, or credit cards, so we can focus out there and not have to look at the feeling. And that’s as it should be, because in our innocence we haven’t known how. So now what we can do is reach out for a paper and a pencil, write thought down, and investigate.

Just hit reply if you’re interested in the 8 week teleclass to take a deep dive into the greater extremes of painful eating, binge-purge cycles, bulimia or over-exercising.

And whatever your go-to relief is that doesn’t provide deep rest…question your thoughts about what isn’t possible for you.

If I could have the addictive cycle fall away, without violence against myself, or rules, or discipline…..so can you, so can you.

Much love, Grace

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Outside The Worriers’ Guild

The big news of the day yesterday: I turned over on my stomach and got to take the leg brace off while lying very still.

The room was quiet, the lights bright, no one was home for a few hours.

After slowly maneuvering my torso to carefully turn over, never engaging the hamstring muscles on the right leg….letting it stay relaxed and dangling…

…I found myself staring into the corner space just past my mattress in my bedroom.

Nice view, now what.

Then I stared for thirty minutes at the stack of books, the far corner behind the dresser, the wire leading to the cell phone on the floor.

My worried smaller mind started in, as if taking some invisible bait.

  • this is pure torture, who am I kidding?
  • I am trapped
  • this is depressing, boring, pointless, sad, awful
  • this is what life will eventually come down to, I’m getting a little preview
  • my time here is limited
Ai me! Life is so temporary! All so brief!

 

But oh the little thoughts fly around like gnats, don’t they? And they come in as fast as fruit flies.

 

Just when you think they are gone…turns out…its another moment. And they are multiplying again with gusto.

Good news. They can dissolve as fast as they multiply. Really.

Is this a real story? Is this a true story? 

Yes it’s true! I know this life is only for a while, even a short time in some cases! And unpredictable!

The reaction is the key. The reaction is pain and suffering, blooming and multiplying.

How do I react when I believe I am trapped, it all ends, my time here is limited, and this is depressing, boring, pointless or sad or terrible?

Physically weak, fearful, unhappy that I don’t know more, that I don’t understand. I want to understand All This, I think that then I will be more accepting, I will get it, I will grasp.

When I believe the thought that I am trapped here in this injured body, that can barely turn over today, I am frustrated, desperate…even if only for a moment.

Wringing my hands. Beating my chest. Worrying.

Feeling sorry for myself.

But who would I be without this story, these beliefs that I am trapped, stuck, bored, that my life is so temporary, that this moment RIGHT HERE is not a good one?

Without the thought that this, now, is bad?

Wow. It is so spacious. Something ungrips, uncurls. Waits.

Something is here, unknown, unplanned, far far far beyond whatever this person is who is lying in bed today. I remember other people, in other houses, other countries, words, poetry, sounds, music….life going on, life playing on.

I turn the thoughts around, the whole story right around upside down:

  • this is pure bliss, who am I kidding? (Me!)
  • I am liberated
  • this is expanding, exciting, meaningful, happy, wonderful
  • this is what life will eventually come down to, I’m getting a little preview (fabulous!)
  • my time here is unlimited
Could this be as true or truer? Could I actually feel happiness, peace and bliss here, right now, in this moment?
Why not?
Deep breath, time to turn back over. And then, time apparently to take a sip of water, and after awhile more, time for a friend to knock on the door and bring delicious food to eat.

I do not need to know what is going on next, or next, or next.

The Worriers’ Guild 
Today there is a meeting of the
Worriers’ Guild,
and I’ll be there.
The problems of Earth are
        to be discussed
        at length
        end to end
        for five days
        end to end
        with 1100 countries represented
        all with an equal voice
        some wearing turbans and smocks
        and all the men will speak
        and the women
        with or without notes
        in 38 languages
        and nine different species of logic.
Outside in the autumn
        the squirrels will be 
        chattering and scampering
        directionless throughout the town 
        because
they aren’t organized yet.~ by Philip F. Deaver

Who would I be without my story?

Perhaps finding gentleness, kindness, darkness, space, light, disorganization, no plans, and no direction. And it is OK.

“I am a lover of what is, not because I’m a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality.” ~ Byron Katie

Much love,

Grace

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Partial, Crooked, Empty, Dying

One of the wonderful YOI (Year of Inquiry) groups met yesterday and our topic this month is on the body.

Perfect for me, right?

With a torn hamstring, last week’s surgical repair, constipation and nausea from pain medications, my hair feeling flat as a mat and itchy from not taking a shower or bath for 8 days, I would say this body is not in the most tippy top shape you’ve ever seen it.

I object! I have some complaints!

There is nothing like a sincere, thoughtful group to stay patiently with the questions of inquiry known as The Work. I LOVED that we all gathered together to examine the body.

  • this body can’t be counted on
  • I am too _____ (fat, thin, old, young, soft, round, short, tall.)
  • things would be better if my body were healthy, fit, attractive
  • I hate that this body is temporary, declining, will one day die
  • there is something wrong with my body, with me
  • I am this body, this is ME, this is my identity

These are deep, gripping beliefs. At least I’ve found them to be.

After our wonderful group today, I kept considering the turnarounds and the beauty of the work, and more underlying beliefs.

As I lay here flat on my back, not able to even move more than a few inches to the left or right (by the way, check out the end of this email of me and my grabbers) I remembered two of my most haunting images.

One is being buried alive in a coffin about 20 feet below the ground. Ewww. I hate even thinking about it. What a horrible nightmare!

The other is born out of a National Geographic cover last year of free-climbers at Yosemite. I am falling, imagining the fall, seeing the rock cliff wall speed by, heading towards earth like a speeding bullet.

(Sorry to give you this stressful image!)

But what I realized before, and again today, is that these are simply pictures, movies playing in the mind. They are not real.

Isn’t that amazing?

All these terrible things that can happen to the body: accidents, injuries, damaging things, illness, disease, death, change, aging, destruction…

….is it true that it is all terrible? That it is all YOU?

Yes! Everyone knows it’s true! People have a rough time after accidents! I think I’m one of them, right now!

But can you absolutely know that it’s true? Really 100% can you know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that all those images and destructive changing morphing things that happen are terrible?

Are you sure that body is YOURS, that it is YOU?

Are you sure you are having a terrible, awful, devastating time?

No. I just ate peanut butter and apples and they were delicious. I’m writing this Grace Note.

Come to think of it, I’m lying in a gorgeous, comfy bed.

In the very moment the other day that I was throwing up, or in the moment that my stomach ached from constipation, I was not actually thinking “this is me” or “this is devastating”.

I was just being that…if that makes any sense. I was following the simple directions. I couldn’t help but follow them.

I notice it is usually AFTER something is over that I get worked up about how terrible it all was, how horrible, and how I almost didn’t make it.

Except I did.

How do I react when I am believing that this body here is my identity, that it is who I am in total, that it is sad that all this is temporary, or that there is something wrong with this body?

I am scared. Horrified. I see images of terrible things happening over and over. My body reacts with adrenaline. I believe the world is a dangerous place, where bad emergencies could happen at any moment.

So who would I be without the thought that this is true? Who would I be without the thought that having this body is a rough deal, that being in a body is dangerous?

Turning my thoughts about this body around, I find the following are truer:

  • this body can’t be counted on to stay perfect, and it CAN be counted on to do what it does, halleluia!
  • I am just right the way I am
  • things would be NOT be better if my body were healthy, fit, attractive
  • I love that this body is temporary, declining, will one day die
  • there is something right with my body, with me
  • I am NOT this body, it is not me, it is not my identity

Who would I be without the thought that aging, deterioration, accidents, injuries, sickness, or death were frightening? Or that they were ME?

Laughing.

Not feeling threatened. Noticing there is no need to be careful, nothing to worry about, a great unknown ahead.

A great unknown right NOW.

“Do not be afraid of what appears to be chaos or dissolution–embrace the full measure of your life at any cost. Bare your heart to the Unknown and never look back. What you are stands content, invisible, and everlasting. All means have been provided for our endless folly to split open into eternal delight.” ~ Adyashanti

(I note the words “split open” and how they do sound just a wee bit scary).

But chuckling here with the mind and it’s nervous interest in bad things, I notice also how I have watched two white lilies in a vase go from tightly closed bud to wide open flower as I’ve been lying here in my bed all these days.

I think they have definitely been split open into eternal delight.

And then they’ll decay and someone will throw them in the compost container.

“If you want to become whole, let yourself be partial. If you want to become straight, let yourself be crooked. If you want to become full, let yourself be empty. If you want to be reborn, let yourself die. If you want to be given everything, give everything up.” ~ Tao Te Ching #22

2013-12-17 10.06.07

This is me, Grace, using Grabbers to fetch my ice pack which I call Little Baby Creature From The Black Lagoon. And practicing crookedness.

Much love,
Grace
P.S. 8 week teleclass on food/eating starts again on January 15, and the Year of Inquiry for the Addictive Mind YOI starts on January 10th. Click below to read more!

 

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The Scale And Your Worth

The Horrible Food Wonderful Food teleclass is underway right now. One dear participant mentioned something to me that I have heard many times before.

I sometimes suggest that people give up their bathroom scales….you know, the ones that calculate body weight. She said, “I could never give up my scale, I have to weigh myself twice a day.”

Measuring things can be incredibly powerful. Documenting, looking, examining, surveying, gathering data. These are invaluable for studying information, analyzing. Especially when you are totally uncertain about how something works.

It’s so amazing to have ways to track something over time that may not be entirely conscious. Like lets say a scientist is studying a brand new species of insect. She could open her computer and write down every hour what is happening, as she watches through a camera the insect’s behaviors in its habitat.

But if the scientist has gathered information for a year, and has tracked the whole lifecycle of the insects several times….but then can’t stop documenting that insect’s behavior…it could be a little weird, right?

The problem with the scale situation is of course not the scale, but the lack of deep inner trust around eating and weight. The belief for me was “I do not understand my weight fluctuation, therefore, I must measure it constantly….otherwise, I might grow heavier and not even realize it!!!”

I used to feel extremely anxious if I didn’t have access to a scale. And then, I felt extremely anxious if I DID have access to a scale.

The thought I had way back when I had a scale was that if I saw the number was too high, it would alarm me and push me towards weight-loss strategies. If I saw the number was low, then I could feel happy and proud for being a “good” weight.

I believed I needed a measuring device, that I couldn’t feel deeply what was right for me on the inside.

Last week when I was at the hospital in the surgery pavilion, before I was sent to change my clothes into the hospital gown and before the kind nurse put in the IV into the back of my hand, they had me go to the scale.

I watched the electronic bright red numbers speeding by and balancing out to the exact ounce. I remembered the way I used to feel in this waiting half-second “Oh I hope it’s going to land on a good weight and give me good news!”

It was about the exact same number I’ve been mostly for my adult life, but for a flash I thought “isn’t that amazing”.

Still the same. Without trying for it, wanting it, setting it as a goal, or caring about it. Amazing, because I once thought I needed to run this whole food, eating, weight situation!

I remembered when I used to want the scale to say that number, when I had an eating disorder and my weight fluctuated up and down a bit.

I used to strive for that number, wish for that number. Just tell me what to eat so I can always have that number.

Then I threw away my scale, because I used it too often and for the wrong reasons: to feel good or feel bad. I let the scale tell me what kind of person I was. I didn’t want that from a piece of metal that measured weight. I wanted to be good no matter what.

Is it true that the amount you weigh means you are good, or bad? Worthy or unworthy? Lovable or Not Lovable? Attractive or Unattractive?

Long ago, I found the answer was “NO”. Even though I had been acting like it was “YES”.

Who was I when I believed that my weight had something to do with my character, my lovableness, my worthiness, my power, my strength, my attractiveness?

Horribly obsessed with weight. Angry. Hungry. Overeating. Undereating. Calculating, planning and trying to control food.

Jumping on the scale every day, and at the gym, and in other places where scales were sitting around.

Who was I without the thoughts that without a scale, I can’t be trusted, that my weight MEANS good/bad, lovable/repulsive, worthy/unattractive?

Open to another way. Open to not knowing. Relaxing, resting at a most deep level, slowing down. Not planning.

Taking a deep breath. Eating and noticing the flavors, the beauty, the texture.

Practicing feeling Joy, Quiet and Peace in the presence of food, or mirrors, or scales.

Living the turnaround. Turning towards the light, the inner light.  

“Enlightenment is to be totally Un-Self-Concious, Un-Ego-Conscious. It’s to be free of self-reflection. Isn’t it the biggest bain on humanity to be always reflecting on oneself? ‘How am I doing, I like it, I hate it, this is hard, my life’s difficult’. Constant reflection…..I’ve never met anybody who was addicted to anything who was ever able to get beyond it until they really saw and came to grips with ‘this is not working’.” ~ Adyashanti

Much love, Grace

P.S. 8 week teleclass on food/eating starts again on January 15, and the Year of Inquiry for the Addictive Mind YOI starts on January 10th.

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Feeling Pain, Having Courage

Recovering from a major physical illness, injury, or condition can sometimes be pretty frightening, or frustrating—if you start believing some of the troubling thoughts you might be thinking.

I’m lying in my bed, that I’ve hardly left for more than five minute intervals to go to the bathroom, for six days now.

I didn’t really know about how some of this process would unfold until actually experiencing it: burning sensations, aching and throbbing, pins and needles, nausea, vomiting, stomach ache, muscle cramps, numbness.

Can’t I just skip over some of this part?

An incredible moment here for The Work, on pain, sickness, treatment.

  • this is taking too long
  • I hate nausea
  • I’m afraid of the pain
  • I just want this whole thing to be over with
  • this is sooo deeply discouraging, I can hardly stand it
  • I need to be strong (tough, relaxed, calm)

Fortunately I have also present this part of the Mind that can question my own thinking, this part that is here observing, even while the other part protests.

Is it true that this nausea and pain are awful?

Yes Yes Yes. I hate feeling sick all day, I hate throwing up, and the pain in my leg burns.

Can I absolutely know that its true that what is happening physically here is terrible?

Yes! Although I can feel that I might not know the absolute truth. It may be good that this is all happening, because that’s the way balance comes back into alignment.

I am not in charge of whatever this thing is that’s called sickness, treatment, or pain.

It feels overwhelming in some ways, but not 100%.

How do I react when I believe that I’m afraid of the treatment, the operation, the recovery, the diagnosis, the nausea, the pain, my future physical condition?

Yikes. I’m discouraged, upset. I see images of still being in bed many days from now. I see myself shriveling into a little ball, never coming back to normal life, dying. I get mad at my husband for going to the store for alternative medication too slowly.

Yes, it’s true. I called from the bedroom “you haven’t left yet?!!”

I get sudden urges for the nausea to stop that feel like an emergency. I need the anti-nausea tablet ASAP. I need to stay awake. I keep drifting off. I wonder how long it takes to develop bed sores.

But who would I be without the thought that this is truly terrible, or that I can’t handle it, or that it will never end?

Very softly, there is something that shifts attention to the present rather than the future, and expands. Dishes are being emptied, I hear clinks and jingles of silverware getting put into its drawer. Music is playing in another room. There is a sound of wind in the pine tree out front.

I feel the pressure and support underneath my back of the bed. My eyes scan the room and look again at yellow roses on the dresser.

A beautiful Norwegian calendar on the wall reads “DESEMBER” and I keep having a little joke with myself “dis-member”. I feel fondness towards the crutches leaning against the closet door, my little helpers.

“Now, sweetheart, close your eyes, and go to the place where you are very, very ill. You feel like vomiting. You’re in terrible nausea. Now see if you can locate the place that doesn’t care. The place that really isn’t bothered by it. It’s there. See if you can locate it—the part of you that is unaffected. The part of you that just watches….. It’s a part–no matter how much pain you’re in–it’s witnessing, watching….. That’s the one that cares nothing for control. So let that one grow. It cares nothing for control.” ~ Byron Katie

Without the thought that this is truly terrible, hell on earth, a disaster, uncomfortable…whatever the situation?

Yes, there is a witness. Seeing this situation with a big heart, encompassing it with compassion and Not Knowing.

I turn the thoughts around that feel so stressful:

  • this is taking just exactly the right amount of time
  • I love nausea
  • I’m not afraid of the pain
  • I do NOT want this whole thing to be over with
  • this is so deeply encouraging, I can definitely stand it
  • I need to be weak (tender, anxious, the way I am)

I consider these turnarounds. I love nausea? Really? That just can’t be true, no way.

But what if my stomach and body are giving me a very important message? What if this really is taking just the right amount of time for my own enlightening process?

What if there is something vital, deep and good about finding that place inside that isn’t upset? That can let go of wishing things to be other than they are? 

“My grandmother who passed away a few years ago used to say to me jokingly, “getting old is not for wimps.” She was well aware of the challenges of an aging body, and while she never complained or felt any pity for herself, she knew firsthand that aging had its challenges as well as its benefits. There was a courage within my grandmother that served her well as she approached the end of her life, and I am happy to say that when she passed, it was willingly and without fear. In a similar way the process of coming into a full and mature awakening requires courage.” ~ Adyashanti

Today, I am willing to feel this physical experience that doesn’t exactly seem pleasant. I am willing to trust the unknown, to trust the life force that is doing all this.

I am willing to let go of needing relief NOW. I look forward to directing my thoughts towards the place that isn’t upset, has no concern, the place of peace.

The place that doesn’t believe every thought the mind thinks.

Much love, Grace

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No Value, No Motive, No Nothin’ But Your Inquiry

The heart of the big city was bustling even though it was a Saturday morning. I had parked my car on a steep city street nearby that was one of the few spots that allowed longer than 2 hours.

I dressed in business clothing, as the all-weekend meeting I was attending was in a spectacular high-rise full of offices that looked far out over Puget Sound.

I had signed up to attend this intensive training because…..on my own, things weren’t going so well.

I was failing at getting clients for my new practice in steady enough droves that I could survive, I didn’t know how to hustle, I felt determined to succeed.

I have attended many other trainings and programs and workshops, because my favorite thing in the world practically is learning, upgrading, and understanding myself and other humans.

This program involved 12 people getting together once a month for a year, to re-invent ourselves, to grow, to expand, to try on new ideas.

As the lead facilitator of the program said in his opening speech “this program will be for you what you make it” I felt a little nervous.

I remember attending another intensive workshop for writers. In our opening exercise, the leader/teacher told us to write down what our biggest obstacles are to accomplishing the task of writing.

I could see pretty easily what I wanted, and had some good ideas about what held me back:

I am afraid, I need someone to hold my hand the whole time, I can’t trust myself or my own thinking, I can’t make it on my own, I don’t know what to do, I’m not good enough, I need someone to lead me.

I was hoping the program would change me and make me someone who never had uncomfortable thoughts, who knew what to do, and who was good enough.

There is a small possibility of doing The Work with this same “motive”.

This motive says, if I question my thoughts, if I change my mind, if someone treats me with tough love, if someone forces me to go workout at 6 am….

….THEN I’ll no longer be myself, and I’ll no longer suffer.

The problem for me, with that kind of thinking, is that I became a restless seeker for trying things, then changing my mind, then moving on, then ditching.

It was like dieting. It works temporarily, but for a lifetime?

No.

Back then, I would do anything to NOT be me. To get over my “problems”.

The word “motive” is defined in the dictionary as “a reason for doing something, especially that is hidden or not obvious.”

When you believe you MUST change, that your personality or problems are serious, and you’re sure someone out there has the answer for you, then you may find you’re in an endless loop-thinking that is never resolved.

“As soon as the mind pulls out an agenda and decides what needs to change, that’s unreality. Life doesn’t need to decide who’s right and who’s wrong. Life doesn’t need to know the “right” way to go because it’s going there anyway. Then you start to get a hint of why the mind, in a deep sense of liberation, tends to get very quiet. It doesn’t have its job anymore. It has its usefulness, but it doesn’t have its full-time occupation of sustaining an intricately fabricated house of cards.” ~ Adyashanti

Who would I be without the thought that the training or educational programs I’ve enrolled in needed to “change” me?

Without the thought that it’s better to have a degree? Without the thought that I must emulate another different person (not me) in order to find peace? Without the thought that I’m faulty?

Wow! I would feel open to all possibilities. I would be free to come or to go, free to stop hunting for a Quick Fix or a Cure.

I would be drawn to experts and very thrilled at their knowledge and input.  I’d say yes/say no. Any option would work.

I’d be ecstatically, joyfully ME.

No desperation, no expectations, no ideal dream world of the perfect version of ME in the future.

“We think that the point is to pass the test or to overcome the problem, but the truth is that things don’t really get solved. They come together and they fall apart.” ~ Pema Chodron

If you’re ready to join a group for a year (or for an 8 week teleclass) then Year Of Inquiry YOI begins again in January on Fridays at 9-10:30 am Pacific Time.

These are groups of compadres who join together in mutual support and understanding, who practice questioning our thinking, who are open to loving what is, including themselves, for an entire year (2 in-person optional retreats, the rest telesessions).

“Not my words, not my presence, nothing about me is of value to other people….But what people can see, through inquiry, is their own truth. That’s where the value is; that’s what can be experienced when you’re tired of suffering. You can reach out and have that, because it is your very own.” ~ Byron Katie

Much love, Grace

 

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The Perfect Harmony of An Accident

Yes, I am still here, alive and well and recovering from pretty major surgery deep into the back of my right leg.

I basically can’t do much of anything for several weeks. Even getting out of bed is somewhat of a project, and going to the bathroom (I have a padded toilet seat cover).

The sensations are varied: burning, sharp zaps, deep aching, shaky and trembling.

I watch this body, feel this body.

Stuck in bed with healing leg. All is so very well! Enjoying this as much

One moment I need to drink some water, I reach over and get my little blue glass with a straw and sip. I have the slight feeling to eat, I ask my son or husband to bring me apple slices with almond butter.

I hear the motor of a seaplane flying overhead. I hear the hum of the house heater blowing warm air into the living room.

I hear wind chimes singing uproariously from outside on the front porch, it must be windy.

In the past, when I’ve been sick or had an accident like this one…..my nervous ninny has come out like wildfire.

Seeing other peoples’ accidents has been almost worse!

Long ago, before I ever had my children (my oldest is 19) I was on a road trip with my former husband.

We were touring the entire country for three months, including parts of Canada way up in Nova Scotia.

We were towards the end of our mighty long journey. Only 2 more days back to Seattle and our little apartment that had been sublet for the summer.

With windows rolled down and August air rushing through the late afternoon light, we were driving through the wild yellow grasses and farm lands of California, traveling from east to west. The road was a beautiful gray color against the wheat fields. We were on a small, two-lane highway.

Rounding a corner, we saw something odd looking. One of those moments where it takes a half-second to register.

A ford pick-up truck was up on its side, wheels still creaking, several yards from the side of the road. Nothing else was around.

We stopped our car.

Silence, and wind.

There was movement off to the left, away from the truck. A small child of about 6 years old laying on the ground unconscious, then stirring.

I went to the truck, my husband went to the child.

Inside against the ground, not the steering wheel side (that part was up in the air) was a small woman. She was crumpled against the door of the truck.

I’m not a first aid person, but I knew to touch her neck to see if she was alive. She was. She had a ton of blood on her head and her legs looked broken.

Another car pulled up along the road and someone jumped out to help. A man’s voice was saying “get away from the truck”. I helped pull the woman from the car and move her. She woke up and started talking with slurred words.

She was lying on her back with legs stretched out, and someone had gone to call 911. We all didn’t have cell phones 25 years ago.

I stayed right by her, holding her hand, as she said non-sensical words and talked about getting a DUI and how she really couldn’t get another one.

“Where’s my son”, she said. Someone brought a blanket for her, and another one for her son, who was now sitting up.

Then helicopters came after awhile, and the mother and son were loaded in and taken off.

All the while during the crisis I felt incredibly calm, clear, and lazer-focused on stopping the woman’s head from bleeding, being with her.

But afterwards….that’s when I could have used The Work. Oh boy.

I couldn’t sleep for 2 days. I tossed and turned and saw the gash in her forehead, the blood, the truck, the frightened boy, her askew legs, over and over again.

My whole body was full of adrenaline. Like, AFTER the whole thing was over.

Jeez! I just wanted it to turn off!

But going into the images that are most frightening, shocking, difficult or terrifying and looking at them, I didn’t realize at the time, was probably the quickest way to remember my own sense of peace.

I shouldn’t think these terrible thoughts, I hate seeing that horrible situation, I don’t want to be a part of this violent scene, I never want to be in the middle of a car accident again (even if I’m completely unharmed).

Is it true?

Are you kidding me, of COURSE it’s true!! It was pure torture!!

Can I absolutely know that it’s true? Pure torture? All horrible? Violent only, zero peace?

No.

How do I react when I believe the thought that it was awful, that I can’t handle these images, that I need to stop thinking about this, that it was sooo unfortunate that I had to witness that event?

I replay the scene endlessly. I wonder why the woman was drinking in the late afternoon, where she lives, what will become of the boy. I have to know it turned out OK (whatever that is, exactly?)

I’m afraid of the universe, I believe the world is a dangerous place, with things like this happening in it.

But who would I be without the thought that the accident, the scene, the situation, the destruction….were all pure horror?

I’m not even sure how to answer that question….and yet….I see how without denying that any of it happened, there was also kindness, love, sincerity, quiet, and peace present.

Right there, on the side of the highway.

Without the thought that I should stop thinking about it, and it’s so so so terrible…

….I look back at myself so many years ago and realize that while I didn’t sleep for 2 nights hardly at all, I then DID sleep.

Time rolled on. I breathed deeply.

And I got to have very meaningful conversations about life and death with one of my sisters (where we were due that night, in California) and with my former husband.

I find the turnarounds, even though that situation was from so long ago:

I should think these thoughts (and maybe they are not terrible), I accept seeing that situation, I want to be a part of this scene (I was helpful), I am willing to be in the middle of a car accident again, even….
 
….I look forward to being in the middle of a car accident again.
 
Yikes! What a non-resistant stand, though. What a freeing perspective. What a sense that all is well, no matter what.
“This aliveness does not hold still. A friend of mine who was a surgical nurse described the shock of interns making their first cut in a living body. They’ve studied the anatomy book, they’ve dissected the cadavers, but now they’re cutting into a living organism and suddenly everything is slippery and pulsating and moving, blood is gushing out, everything is moving. This is real life. Nothing holds still. It’s a mess. And yet, it all holds together in perfect harmony — from the microscopic to the astronomical — the universe functions with perfect order and intelligence, even when there seems to be conflict and disorder from a limited point of view.” ~ Joan Tollifson

Perfect order, perfect intelligence…even in injuries, accidents.

Can you find how this could be true?

Much love, Grace

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I Don’t Have To Do Anything

Some time ago I was working with a man who was newly in business as a chiropractor. He wanted customers, and he felt like he was soooo struggling.

His voice was so sincere and kind, and I heard his disappointment and worry. He wanted to support his wife, he wanted to have kids, but he was feeling very unhappy about the lack of money coming in.

“This is way harder than I thought. I’m going to fail. I have to do something.”

I was there. I knew what he was talking about.

About 7 years ago I was losing everything I owned, and on the brink of losing my house.

I had been in a coach-training program, I had my master’s degree in behavioral science (from ten years before) and I was completing the certification for The Work.

I sent away for PhD program brochures, even though I had nothing left to pay for one of them.

I thought I needed to be in MORE action. I needed to DO something, ASAP.

I believed I had to have more experience, more credentials, more training and more authority, more discipline. I needed goals, plans and clear direction. I believed I was missing something, desperately.

Many authors, coaches, mentors, or teachers of well-being and human potential talk about ACTION and BEING.

Like they’re super different.

If you’re “being” you’re simply feeling it, kickin’ back, relaxed, not bossing yourself around, no schedule.

If you’re “acting” then you’re busy, fired up, excited and completing things.

It can be really rough when you believe you should be in action, or you should be “being” and you’re out of balance to one side or the other.

If you’re in action too much: wreckless, tired, driven, workaholic, busy, no time, burned out, angry, frustrated, determined, mad at other people, yelling at the slow traffic, making mistakes.

If you’re being too much: lazy, unaccomplished, no gains, everything stays the same or gets worse, unproductive, fearful, careful, defensive, too much time (and wasting time).

One of the best ways to identify your stressful thoughts about either of these conditions is to picture that person who represents either “action” orientation, or “being” orientation, and judge the heck outta them.

This is not judging yourself–you got that going on already, massively even.

Just try judging someone else instead.

The man I was working with was frightened of his parent’s criticism, and also comparing himself to other chiropractors who were way successful.

I myself found many judgments of some of the master coach trainers I had encountered in the world. They seemed to be saying “get off your ass” all the time.

GO GO GO!

Being interested so deeply in internal freedom, I rebel against that sort of thing!

I also noticed judgments of people who do nothing, who complain about their same job but never leave it, people who want a spouse but never go out or try to meet anyone or go on dates, people who want a thriving practice but get scared about promoting themselves, people who are upset about making mistakes, people who say they want to lose weight, but doing examine their relationship with food or movement.

Oh where to begin?

The man I was working with knew that he had such anxiety about income that he never stopped thinking frantically of his need to be in action. And yet, he was becoming immobile.

Not uncommon, but crazy, right?

Let’s do The Work and see.

I know what I could “do” but it’s too hard, will take too long, will mean I have to take risks, that I could fail. And I hate HAVING to do something. 

Is this true? Can you absolutely know that you’d feel better if you never had to try to get a single client in your life? Can you know it’s true that you’ll be worn out, that you’ll fail, or that you’d have a lot MORE fun sitting around your house in your PJs?

Are you sure it will take too long? That its overwhelming? Are you positive that quitting is best, right now? Do you really need to give up altogether?

AND are you sure that if you took the entire day off, without being on task for getting what you want….that you wouldn’t get it?

I remember only about 2 years ago, thinking…if I have to keep working like this to build a private practice, then maybe it’s not worth it.

Fortunately, I had The Work so I could question my thinking.

How do you react when you believe you MUST take action NOW, or that you can’t relax? How do you react when you watch those other successful people and you criticize their lifestyle?

When I think I must take action NOW and it’s stressful, I quit, I exit, I drop the whole thing…or I feel aggressive, furious, competitive.

But who would I be without the thought that I MUST take action, or that I MUST be in non-action?

“Do what you love, and the money will follow? The first part of this sentence is true.” ~ David Whyte

Almost hard to even imagine this experience of NOT having the thought that you must be active or being. You mean, I only have to do whatever I do? Nothing more? Nothing less?

Without the thought, I simply notice that there are consequences that happen, whether I’m in action or not.

I do a fabulous gymnastics move, I tear my hamstring, I go to a business networking meeting, I have fun talking with people, I post on facebook, people come to the dance, I spend an hour a day writing, more and more people read, I take my son to breakfast, we have a wonderful conversation.

This then that.  Nothing 100% guaranteed.

I turn it all around: This is going to be easier than I thought, I’m going to succeed, I don’t HAVE to do anything. 

I notice I love creating programs that help people (and me) understand the mind and stressful thinking, I notice I adore writing every day, I love working with people, I love leading workshops, I love watching a great movie, I love going out to breakfast, I love reading.  

I love noticing what I love. My preferences. I’m action, then not. It all blends together with being, steadiness, quiet, gentleness, power.

Here is a great video about this, Katie doing The Work with a woman who believed her father forced her to complete household tasks.

What’s The Reality Of Pressure?

“Until I take responsibility, the world is my problem.” ~ Byron Katie

Much love, Grace

 

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Stop Pretending You’re In Bondage

A few days ago, I was studying the state of Anticipation.

(I can’t help but hear that word spoken in my mind like in Rocky Horror Picture Show….”an-tisssah—-pay-shun”).

The state of “now” in that present moment included deeply aching leg, very sore right achilles tendon, thigh muscles ticking independently in little spasms, an aching pelvis bone, my daughter lying on the floor on her stomach writing things in a notebook, the mailman’s little motorized truck making sounds out by the mailbox.

I had told my friends “it feels like a dagger is stuck in my right butt cheek all the way in, with only the handle in view.”

If I held really still, I couldn’t really feel anything. If I moved, just a wee bit, OOOWWWWW.

And then there’s the mind and all its ideas, visions, suggestions. Some are less stressful than others, to put it mildly.

But it occurred to me that this status of anticipating a major upcoming event is a very fascinating human condition.

You’re about to start a new job, get an operation (like me), start treatment for a disease, get divorced, go on a date, move to a new house, buy a refrigerator, run a workshop, have a baby, go on vacation, compete in the race.

The date is in the future. You really don’t know what it will be like. You’ve talked with other people. You have many questions, maybe you’ve gotten tons of questions answered.

You’ve read books. You’ve googled.  You’ve trained.

But there is nothing like actually doing it.

So weird, because there are many other things that happen that we do not know beforehand are going to happen. Unless we have one of those cool intuition thingies go on.

But whether or not you’re psychic, there are the things we KNOW are coming up at some future point, they’re on the calendar….and there are the things we do NOT know are coming, that are NOT on the calendar.

Back to anticipation.

Doing The Work when the mind is very chattery about the frightening upcoming event can make such a huge difference in the present, it’s astonishing.

In other words, I can sit here thinking about the operation, the drive to the hospital, gauze bandages, and lying on the couch at home without being able to move….

….and I can have an uncomfortable, nervous, depressed, or terrified, story about this upcoming situation….OR I can have an open, wondering, connected story about this upcoming situation.

Who would you be, in this moment now, without the thought that it could go wrong? That it could be hard? That you don’t know what will happen, or what it will really feel like?

Who would you be without the thought that it would be upsetting to lose the race, miss the airplane, not have enough money, not be able to control anything about the outcome?

Martin Seligman, famous in the field of psychology for studying learned helplessness and depression, began to study well-being in the 1960s.

Turns out, he created a manual (with the help of other wonderful researchers of human psychology) called Character Strengths and Virtues which is the opposite, or counterpart, to the DSM or Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders.

One focuses on what can go right with human behavior and thinking. One focuses on what can go wrong with human behavior and thinking.

In the most simple, simple, simple way….turning any painful thought around to its opposite and imagining if it’s possible that this be true, is a sliver of what The Work is about.

I anticipate things will go badly, I’m scared, I’m nervous, what if “x”, what if “y”…and these are dreadful, horrifying, sickening, sad.

Turned around: I anticipate things will go wonderfully, I’m excited, I’m full of energy, what if “x”, what if “y”…and these are new, challenging, wild, wondrous, thrilling.

Does it matter whether you know or don’t know what will actually happen?

Who, or what, would you be if you knew that even death, endings, change, something being over, something beginning from the very start, losing, winning, acquiring, emptying, leaving…

…was all going to be absolutely, fundamentally OK?

“Starting right now, this moment, I am asking you to become the Buddha. I am asking you to take your stand, to stand absolutely firm in your intention to awaken to the Truth of your Self……..Stand up! You are the Buddha! You are freedom itself! Stop dreaming your dream! Stop pretending that you are in bondage—stop telling yourself that lie!” ~ Adyashanti

Much love, Grace

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Bye Bye Identity

Today is the day! In about 8 hours that my right hamstring will get reattached to my sits bone deep in the pelvis. Around 1:30 pm Pacific time.

I have been limping, feeling pain, and moving more and more slowly for several weeks.

The usual marching, speedy, springing woman that I normally feel like has gone away for awhile, at least physically….

….and a new very slow person has replaced her.

I must admit. I’m a little anxious about the pain.

I saw photos of how they do this. It wasn’t exactly looking….gentle.

The surgeon cuts into the leg, slices across, goes underneath the gluteal muscle mass (that all gets lifted up with some kind of metal device), then the pelvic bone gets grazed up so it bleeds (this doesn’t sound peaceful) and then the shredded end of the hamstring that is detached gets pinned with two titanium pins onto the bleeding bone.

No problem!

Three days ago, I lay on a bench up in the choir loft of a gorgeous brilliantly lit church, the sun pouring through the colored glass and making the whole interior of the place glow with golden luminescence.

My leg was throbbing. Underneath the friendly, articulate, amused voice of David Whyte, who was standing far below (he has two working legs, I note) with a microphone….

….my mind would shout sometimes even through his eloquent words “oh god, 72 hours until the knife cuts the back of my thigh and goes deep into the place that is already throbbing right NOW”. 

David chuckled once, mid story, sun beaming towards his face like a spotlight, and picked up his podium with both hands, moving himself several feet to his left.

“I can only take so much light”, he joked.

I wonder if that’s how MY mind functions.

Because it is strong, stable, kind, loving and relaxed….and then….it appears to offer a slide show of dangerous Coming Events.

Me in a wheelchair, me laying face down for 6 weeks with drool coming out of my mouth, me crying because I can’t go outside, me not being able to get up to go to the bathroom with crutches, me with the entire right leg cut off, me realizing that this whole body thing is on its way out.

  • this is going to hurt
  • what if they can’t repair it (the worst thought)
  • I’ll never be the same
  • my life is over as I’ve known it
  • I’m going to shrivel up like an atrophied raisin, my muscles will shrink and petrify, and I will never come back to my athletic energetic self
OK then!
I know, I know, it’s a little over the top.
But allowing these kinds of thoughts to be as they are, knowing they are not all of me, has been one of the most wonderful things to accept.
“I shouldn’t think bad thoughts, I shouldn’t be worried, I should be positive, I should not anticipate pain, I shouldn’t be so dramatic.”
 
Is that true?
Can I absolutely know that it’s true that I shouldn’t be making such a fuss, that I shouldn’t be worried, or that I’m saying goodbye to my life as I’ve known it?

 

No.

How do I react when I believe that this is a troubling situation? That this pain I feel is BAD, that I’ll never be the same, or that I’ll be in MORE pain soon?
Sick to my stomach, nervous, angry, full of visions of scary images.
Who would I be without the thought that I shouldn’t be afraid?
Who would I be without the thought that this is disturbing, that it’s not guaranteed to go perfectly, or that this is a bummer?
Without these beliefs, I’m in a Don’t Know state. I feel the sensation in some parts of my leg and I’m calling it “hurt”, I write, I see other visions, I imagine myself hiking some day in the future, I hear a cat outside.
I breathe deeply.
I laugh as David Whyte talks, I see the pictures he describes. They are not of legs or hamstrings.
Can I turn these thoughts around to their opposite? YES!
  • this is going to heal
  • what if they can repair it
  • I’ll always be the same (especially the me that isn’t even a body)
  • my life is just beginning, with a new leg
  • I’m going to bloom like a juicy grape, my muscles will grow and loosen, and I am already back to my athletic energetic self

I just waved my arms around while lying on my back in the bed, laughing, my heart beating and my body getting warm enough to take off my sweatshirt.

My arms might have a fantastic, strengthening time. And my mind.

Why not?

Gratitude for everyone, for support, for change, for injuries, for surgeons, for the amazing technology of even being able to attempt to repair such things.
Gratitude for beds, couches, wheelchairs, legs, voices, blood, photographs, imagination, joy.
Gratitude for medicine, destruction, evolution, treatments….that we all move through the veil, eventually.
“We think that we’re afraid of the death of our body, though what we’re really afraid of is the death of our identity. But through inquiry, as we understand that death is just a concept and that our identity is a concept too, we come to realize who we are. This is the end of fear.” ~ Byron Katie

 

Much love, Grace