Month: December 2013

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Could This Bad News Be Good?

It was very late on a Sunday night. My house was extremely quiet. Only the sound of the baseboard heater turning on and off occasionally filled the living room with a low hum.

I was making my second cup of tea. I was nervous, and my mind packed to the brim with thoughts of an anxious nature.

Wondering….what if? How about…? 

I was deep into the process of separation and divorce, but it all seemed fairly new. Like a sharp right turn was taken in the road when I expected the landscape to be flat and smooth.

My house was sometimes completely empty, like that Sunday, when beforethis change, on any given Sunday night there were my two children, my (former) husband, maybe even more children, nieces and nephews all sleeping in various rooms and formations throughout the house.

For the entire weekend, at that time many years ago, I had been alone in the house. And, for that entire weekend, I had been out of touch with a man I was newly dating.

I had texted, called, emailed. No response.

Unusual, I thought….and yet, I also hadn’t even been involved with this person for very long. So what was “usual”?

But I had a feeling of great unrest.

  • he’s with someone else
  • he doesn’t care about me
  • I am getting abandoned (again)
  • I can’t handle this
  • I am completely, fundamentally, alone

I slept horribly that night.

The next day, this man did indeed let me know that he had been with someone else and spent the night with her.

We had no agreement, rules, plans, expectations or conditions for this “relationship”. I couldn’t even say it WAS a relationship.

And yet….I felt nauseated, grief-stricken, exhausted and disappointed to a depth I could hardly fathom.

I also knew how to do The Work and question my thinking, and enlist support to do so.

I called in sick to my job, called up one of my dearest friends who facilitated The Work, and asked for her to facilitate me. I also arranged for 3 other people to facilitate me every two hours for that entire day.

I got to work. I wanted to know the truth for myself. I didn’t understand why my pain was so deep, despairing and intense.

Is it true, that he shouldn’t have been with someone else?

Yes, yes, yes. I felt like sobbing, I was so disappointed.

But could I absolutely know that it was true, that he shouldn’t have been with someone else? That he should have called me sooner? That he should have told me he was interested in other people?

No. I can see how I wanted the world to line up so that I wouldn’t be sad, upset, or rejected. Ever.

And I could not absolutely know what was right for me, what was best for my future. I could not know what was best for him, or for his life. I couldn’t even know that him spending a weekend doing whatever he wanted to do MEANT that he was rejecting me, that he didn’t care about me, or that I couldn’t handle it.

I mean…jeez. I had so much wrapped up in his behavior and how BAD it was for me…but I had no idea that it WAS bad for me, really.

So I didn’t know if it was true that he shouldn’t have done that.

How did I react?

Like it was the worst thing ever. Like I got punched in the stomach. I took it very, very personally.

Until I considered who I would be without the thought that he shouldn’t have spent his weekend the way he did?

Without the thought?

Holy Moly! I was sooooo free. Open, curious about whatever was next. Ready to see what happened. Clear. Noticing what works for me, and what doesn’t. Noticing my preferences with joy. Happy for him.

Excited.

I turned the thought around “he should have been with someone else this weekend”.

I got to become aware of my mind that was so damn sure I was being abandoned, not cared about, unable to handle this, and deeply, fundamentally alone.

I am set free, I am cared for and loved, I can handle this, I am not alone.

Could all these things be as true, or truer?

Yes.

In those moments of doing The Work, I was sharing intimately with the most fabulous people, I was handling my situation very well indeed, (I was surviving it for sure), I loved myself with all my heart, I had the beauty of silence and a sense of magical energy all around me, full of possibility.

If you’ve ever felt the fear and pain in heartbreak, I hope you can find this also to be true: everything is waiting for you.

The books, the dresser, the silence, the faucet with water pouring out, the telephone with friends asking powerful questions through it, The Work, the bathtub, the tea cup, the wooden floor, the roof, the air all around….

….the future is waiting for you.

That should have happened.

Because look what is here all around me, in this present moment.

Heaven.

Everything is Waiting for You

Your great mistake is to act the drama
as if you were alone. As if life
were a progressive and cunning crime
with no witness to the tiny hidden
transgressions. To feel abandoned is to deny
the intimacy of your surroundings. Surely,
even you, at times, have felt the grand array;
the swelling presence, and the chorus, crowding
out your solo voice. You must note
the way the soap dish enables you,
or the window latch grants you freedom.
Alertness is the hidden discipline of familiarity.
The stairs are your mentor of things
to come, the doors have always been there
to frighten you and invite you,
and the tiny speaker in the phone
is your dream-ladder to divinity.

Put down the weight of your aloneness and ease into
the conversation. The kettle is singing
even as it pours you a drink, the cooking pots
have left their arrogant aloofness and
seen the good in you at last. All the birds
and creatures of the world are unutterably
themselves. Everything is waiting for you.

  — David Whyte

Much love, Grace

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Mysterious Unrepeatable You

Today I am with David Whyte, the beautiful poet.
I can’t wait to share about my time with him!
In honor of the celebration of poetry, unique expression, seeing things anew, being you.…
….whoever or whatever is you, right? Mysterious. Precious. Unrepeatable.
I celebrate the poetry that you, alone, are.
Much love,
Grace
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Listening To God

Last night the YOI Thursday group gathered together as we do on the phone to stop, and inquire.

Such a simple concept “I need him/her to be considerate”.

Oh the wrath! Annoying, frustrating….sad!

Daughters, mothers, neighbors.

One of my favorite parts of the inquiry was drilling into the meaning of consideration.

Why would I care about that person being considerate? How do I know that they aren’t being absolutely, wonderfully, whole-heartedly, brilliantly considerate?

What’s my proof?

What does it mean when someone is acting like that…whether leaving their hair in the drain, parking too close, or yelling and screaming and saying very painful things?

Finding what you believe, going in for the truth, can be the most wondrous investigation.

If that person wasn’t doing that thing (that I’m calling inconsiderate) then I would be happy, I would be safe, I would be relaxed, I would be loved, things would be easy, things would be smooth.

I wouldn’t have to face “x” if only that person were more bloody *&)$%^ considerate!!

Who would I be without the thought that she wasn’t considerate? He wasn’t considerate?

Wow. There that person is, doing this, saying that, being who they are…

….and I am here, watching it, without the thought that they are failing to consider me, or others.

Inside, without the thought, I feel open, spacious, rested, curious.

I might speak, I might move towards them, I might remain quiet, I might see what is outside the window.

I turn the thought around that I need her to be more considerate, to the opposite.

I don’t need that. She shouldn’t be, he shouldn’t be. 

I entertain this possibility. Once again, here I am again, back here with myself, feeling all the emotions, the love, the care, the concern, the draw to intimacy, the way this person has brought me alive, passionately, with energy (even if it’s rage).

I need to be considerate of myself, I need to consider her, I need to consider him. 

Yes, I need to drop this fight, I need to end this argument, I need to thank this other person, I need to move closer to them, I need to love, to trust.

“Everyone is God speaking. Why not be polite, and listen to him?” ~ Hafiz

Love, Grace

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Parent Driving Panic

Many years ago, on a quiet weekday afternoon, I was exhausted with sleep-deprivation, having a two year old toddler girl and a five year old son who had just started kindergarten.

My daughter went down for a nap. I rushed around picking up things off the floor then making my way to my bedroom to lie down, for just a little while.

This unusual day…I fell asleep in the silent house. The phone never rang, I didn’t get involved in some project, I didn’t start paying bills.

I woke with a start and sat up. The afternoon light didn’t look right.

Because normally, I have to get my daughter in the car and go fetch my son at school when the light is still bright, mid-afternoon light. My son comes out at a set time every day. There’s a spot for parents in cars. Some days, I carpool or other parents drive.

But Thursdays, I always go get my son.

In the very still, dense, quiet afternoon…I grasp that I had fallen asleep.

OMG! What time is it??!!

I was supposed to be there NOW. It would take me 30 minutes to drive there.

Have you ever driven from here to there filled with anxiety because you absolutely have to be there already?

I wish I had The Work or a way to have investigated what was true and what was not true at that time, with my small children.

Back then, I thought it was an EMERGENCY that I was so late.

My son Ben was only 5, he didn’t have a cell phone, I had no way to contact the teacher, I didn’t even know how to contact the school when the bell had already rung.

I put myself in my son’s little shoes and knew he would probably go to the pick up place and stand there.

My hand gripped the wheel and images reeled through my head of him being led away by an unsavory adult…of him crying as all the kids and buses and teachers left him standing alone….of him being abandoned.

I was sick to my stomach, in heavy thick traffic. Every driver went at the pace of a turtle. My heart was popping out of my throat.

Turning the corner into the sight of the pick up area, I saw his little purple coat, and him standing with his hood up, very still, both hands to his sides with his yellow lunch sack in one hand and his back pack that looked enormous on his small back.

I jumped out of the drivers seat of my car and I’m sure my face looked wild with apology.

Ahhh yes, if only I had The Work.

Because when I look back, my son Ben was actually PERFECTLY FINE.

He wasn’t maimed, injured, desperate, frightened.

I asked him “Were you worried? I am so, so, sorry. Mommy is so, so sorry.”

A little worried mommy. 

I look back and see the teaching and the learning, passed along so innocently. 

Now is the moment to think you were abandoned, that mom was unreliable, that you were let down….that mom is very sorry…and now that I’ave arrived you discover all is well, and you are relieved.  

Who would I be without the thought that falling asleep, not waking up, being late, that Ben standing alone for 25 minutes without me picking him up….was terrible, was all my fault….and was all something I should have avoided and that he hated?

Now it’s 15 years later. I still think about that moment with sorrow. Except NOW, today, as the image flashes through my mind….I pause.

I say “Is that all true?” 

No. No idea.

Was that a dangerous situation? Not really. Was it outrageous that I was so unreliable? No.

Who would you be without the thought that you need to GET THERE NOW, and it appears….you can’t.

Even if the situation is much more serious or critical than mine.

You might actually be present during the drive, instead of so freaked out that all you remember is the gripped steering wheel.

Who would you be without the thought that there was a mistake, in the past?

Especially with your young child, who may be much older now (or not)?

“Pain is the signal that you’re confused, that you’re in a lie….You are the solution to the problem–your apparent problem. No mother or son has ever done harm. We’re dealing with confusion here, that’s all. Through this work, we come to realize that.” ~ Byron Katie

Love, Grace

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Get Your Body Problem Solved

It was the evening of the day after Thanksgiving. The night was very dark and chilly. It had been a quiet day full of reading, (some clients for me), and watching an old movie we all wanted to see because it won Best Picture in 1970.

Inside our little cottage it was very toasty, bright and cozy. 

My son then noticed he didn’t feel that good. He went to bed. In the morning, he threw up.

An hour later, he threw up again. And a little later, again.

Then my daughter threw up. 

Going into “mom” mode, I’m getting them medicine, feeling their foreheads for their temperature, going out to buy them anything they’ll drink to get rehydrated. A day of attending to the sick, but doing other things as well.

We’re all analyzing what they ate, for food poisoning analysis.

Then, my husband threw up. He never gets sick, not like this. 

I have the thought enter my mind “uh oh.” 

Then right away, “Wow, I haven’t gotten it! It’s going to pass me by, I’m going to avoid it, maybe I’ll never feel a thing!”

A day later, I myself am throwing up, several times during the night. Followed by the fever and chills for 24 hours that everyone else also has. 

A little experience of illness will get any mind going, if it’s not questioned, with thoughts of alarm.

In my mind, I’m thinking about the great plague of Europe and how it rampaged through everyone and killed the majority of the population.

The body is vulnerable, there is no one who is protected against illness, I can be destroyed.

Nooooooo!!!!!

(And by the way….I also thought….isn’t the whole torn off hamstring enough? Apparently not). 

Fortunately for me, one of the YOI groups started its new topic this month: The Work on The Body.

I guide everyone through filling out the Judge Your Body worksheet right there on the phone together, so we take the time (so easy to dismiss) to sit and consider what our most stressful, painful, agonizing beliefs are about this body.

People found that as they allowed their judgments to come to the surface, they sometimes felt embarrassed or nervous about saying them out loud. Sometimes I have felt superficial when I identify my stressful beliefs on my body, like I shouldn’t care this much about the body being healthy, or looking “attractive” or being in top condition.

Everyone gets sick, stop complaining!

But rejecting these thoughts or shoving them away and trying to think positively doesn’t really work. Not when I’ve been sad, or terrified, anxious or alarmed. 

So…..how wonderful to have The Work for identifying deeper emotional pain around living in this body.

“I shouldn’t get sick”.

Is it true?

Yes, how could that not be true? What purpose would getting sick offer? How could there be ANYTHING useful, good, or advantageous about getting sick?

Who set this universe up anyway?!!! I need to have a word!!!

(Notice how the mind goes from not liking the situation to finding out whose fault it is in less than 2 seconds).

Can I absolutely know that its true that I shouldn’t get sick? That no one should ever, ever get sick?

Well….since sickness has existed for as long as humans have existed, as far as I now, then it can not be true that sickness SHOULDN’T exist. Because it does. 

But maybe I don’t know something about all this. Maybe my version of health or sickness is not quite….accurate, shall we say?

How do I react when I believe that I shouldn’t get sick, that my family shouldn’t, or that anyone I know shouldn’t?

When they get sick….I’m against it. 

I’m sad, discouraged, angry, depressed, frightened. I think about the plague.

But who would I be without the thought that I shouldn’t get sick? 

When our YOI group got to answering this question together on the phone, they almost didn’t know how to even imagine what they’d be like, without the thought that this body appeared to be a problem.

Yet if you take only a moment, without the thought that there is a problem….

….isn’t it lighter? Even quite astonishing?

The fear dissolves, the focus on this body softens. The sense of it being a part of a greater force of life, nature, or Whatever, is clear. 

“The mind is only at war with itself. It’s as though on one side you have the terrified mind, the child, the I-know mind. “I’m so frightened, I’m so frightened! I have cancer, it’s so terrible, I know, I know, I know. I’m sick, I’m going to die.” And then over here, on the other side, we have the mind that is still and quiet and wise. This mind does not move. It rests in its own wisdom. When you put the questions in between them, it’s like a bridge for this one to travel over.” ~ Byron Katie

I turn the thought around to the opposite “I should get sick”.

This doesn’t mean I should believe that getting sick is the best and most wonderful thing that ever happened….but perhaps I am mistaken about its horrors. 

For myself, I notice that in these past few days, examples of it being true that I should get sick (besides the obvious example that I WAS sick) was that I noticed how OK everything was anyway. 

Our family kept talking about what we might have eaten, or how the illness traveled invisibly, or what was in our throw up, or how fascinating that the body does this weird thing. 

Everyone was taking care of one another, everyone changed gears and stayed home. 

I cancelled appointments and rescheduled them. I slept. I thought about the body and it’s vulnerability and felt a release, an acceptance, a surrender. No way out.

I may discover more. But I feel sort of….excited. Like it’s no big deal. 

There is a mind here, present at all times, resting in its own wisdom. I have it, you have it….we all do.

“The Unknown is more vast, more open, more peaceful, and more freeing than you ever imagined it would be. If you don’t experience it that way, it means you’re not resting there; you’re still trying to know. That will cause you to suffer because you’re choosing security over Freedom. When you rest deeply in the Unknown without trying to escape, your experience becomes very vast. As the experience of the Unknown deepens, your boundaries begin to dissolve. You realize, not just intellectually but on a deep level, that you have no idea who or what you are.” Adyashanti

Who would you be without your story that your body is vulnerable, and this is a dangerous situation?

What if its not even YOUR body? 

Love, Grace

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The Good News About Money And Thinking

A few days ago, our open Money telesession did The Work on this simple, but often very stressful thought: I am supposed to make money. 

(Here is the link to the webinar).

If you’re not making money….or let’s say, you’re not making ENOUGH money….then the moment you are focusing on how true this is….

….is a very painful moment.

For some people, they may say I should make more money, or I need to make money, or I have to make money.

The wording is slightly different, but there is a similar result when you think the thought.

Aggravation, sadness, frustration, fury, rebellion, despair, discouragement.

I used to think of going to work at a J-O-B as a prison for the members of the rat race.

The problem is…you can really miss some fun and wonderful things about life having a job, if you automatically judge all work as forced.

Let’s take a look again, as we did during the free telesession, in case you missed it. The reason? I wanted to bring home the turnarounds and how kind they can be.

So many people think of going to work as too structured, taking energy, happiness, joy, family-time, or independence away.

“I ain’t gonna work for The Man no more!” Fist punch into the air. “I owe my soul to the company store!” The discouragement of hard physical labor or slave-wages.

The thing is, when I’ve gotten super stressed about the way this whole work/job situation is….I lose creativity. I lose possibilities, I give up.

Is it true that you need to make money?

Yes! How else would I live?! I have to…and it sucks. I’d be happier if I never had to make a penny again. I’d be happier if I had a fixed income, guaranteed.

Can you absolutely know that this is true?

Can you know 100% that never having to work is nice, is easier, is better? Can you know it gives you more freedom, to NOT work?

No. I’ve seen examples of every kind of person, with every kind of job or income, who feel free, or who feel locked down. I’ve met bored people with lots of money, I’ve met very happy people with little money.

How do I react when I believe that I am supposed to make money? (and that this is a problem?)

I resent every employer. I think about quitting my current job every day. I complain about my work. I feel angry when I’m unemployed.

Who would I be without the thought that I really do need to make money?

I relax. I quiet down. I notice that there is an energy of movement within, part of my own life force, that enjoys activity, work, schedules…in its own unique way.

I’ve also met amazing people at all the jobs I’ve ever had. Fun, interesting, unique people that I would never have met otherwise. People who became friends for life. People I’ll never forget, even if they are no longer friends.

I turn the thought around “I am supposed to make money”.  

I am not supposed to make money, money is supposed to make me, I am supposed to make myself.  

I know these are turnarounds that don’t technically make “sense” but it’s awesome to contemplate them, like a zen koan.

Money is making me, I am making myself. 

Yes, I have been bringing the true, open-hearted, genuine, honest inner me out more and more and more as I live and review and question my relationship with money.

It’s like money, and everything it means, invites me to a journey that I would not otherwise take.

“…everything can be taken away from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms–to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s way. The way in which a man accepts his fate and all the suffering it entails, the way in which he takes up his cross, gives him ample opportunity–even in the most difficult circumstances–to add a deeper meaning to life.” ~ Viktor Frankl

I make myself, I work with my mind, I surrender to reality, I create something that expresses only through me…

….and I don’t actually even create it.

Perhaps, instead of making money, I am supposed to make fun, ease, peace, love.

And let the rest fall where it may.

“For some of us, life is controlled by our thoughts about work and money. But if our thinking is clear, how could work or money be a problem? Our thinking is all we need to change. It’s all we CAN change. This is very good news.” ~ Byron Katie

Love, Grace

P.S. Money teleclass starts next week, Thursdays at 8 am pacific time for 90 minutes. Click HERE to sign up, or hit reply and write me if you have a question.

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Stressful Money Head Case Thinking

Wow, thank you so very much to everyone who came to the telesession on Money yesterday morning.

If the conference was full when you tried to connect, fear not. You can listen (and watch) the whole thing right HERE.

If you follow along on the recording, you may find insights into your own thinking about money that you had not seen before. As you listen, you can get out your pen and paper and write with the prompts….and listen to other people’s answers.

It’s amazing how simply taking time to sit still to examine beliefs offers awareness. Often, I have had to enlist guidance of others to help me stay still and focus.

That busy, quick mind just loves to bounce and skip around to multiple stressful thoughts and situations….too many to actually inquire into! Tricky mind!

So, having you all come together is beyond inspiring, loving and supportive. I can’t say enough about this vital element of group connection and focus for successfully questioning the mind!

When I was nearly out of money, had been using my credit card to pay my mortgage, and was frantically looking for a job….

….with only a small amount of funds left in my bank account, I set aside $300 and hired a facilitator of The Work.

It almost seemed like a dumb idea. Didn’t I need that money to buy groceries?

This woman I contacted had a few people who she offered facilitation to, in her busy schedule, at a donation/sliding scale fee. I asked her if she could meet with me for ten sessions for that small amount.

She said yes.

Her name is Martha Creek, and I’m forever grateful for her kind, humorous, direct facilitation.

I had so many thoughts, such anxiety, waves of panic, and terrible images that I couldn’t sit still long enough all by myself to do The Work (I could have questioned that…but at the time, it did not seem true that I could sit still).

One night, I dialed the phone for her number, feeling somewhat hopeless and lost about what else I could question. We were having our 7th session together.

The lights were turned out for both my children. I had the entire night ahead of me, and I really wanted to sleep for some of it, instead of staying awake fretting about how to get more money.

I went into my bedroom and shut the door.

I wasn’t entirely sure The Work was working…and yet, something kept me at it.

I knew in my heart that my thoughts were dictating my reality. I knew my thoughts were so freaked out, I couldn’t see clearly. I also knew that I wanted to know the Truth, not demand that my life go the way I thought best.

Martha asked me to describe a little more what my greatest fear was if I did not somehow secure some money, or an income, SOON.

What would really, really happen then?

I would go live with my mother. She had a house big enough for me to move into her basement. I would move there with my children. She was completely open to this, she had said so.

“You are always welcome in my home if you can’t make it on your own,” she had told me several months before.

I thought of this as a terrible, horrific failure. How could a woman in her 40s, newly divorced, move in with her MOTHER? How awful, how devastating, what a loser, I had thought.

Through my work that night, I questioned my thinking that this was the worst thing that could ever happen when it came to having no money.

“What would be the benefits to moving into your mom’s house?” Martha asked.

Woah. Benefits? Seriously?

I waited. I knew they had to be there, in this world of duality. Nothing is ever 100% terrible.

That night, because Martha stayed with me in a way that I couldn’t stay there for myself, I found the opportunity I would have for being close to my mom, for resolving little anxieties I had about being with her all the time.

I saw how fun it might be to share a cozy room with my two kids. I delighted in thinking of being in a different location and exploring new streets, new shops, new sidewalks.

Maybe all was well. Maybe relying on others was not the disaster I thought.

In the telesession about Money yesterday, several people identified this same troubling belief….

….that relying on others around anything to do with Money is horrible, and necessary, at the same time.

What if you drop the “horrible” part?

Years later now, I look back at that time that I worked so hard on money, and know that something shifted for me dramatically during that session on moving in with my mother.

I stopped being afraid of what would happen next.

I called up my mom the very next day and said “Wow, mom, what would it really be like for you if I moved in? What would you need and want? I’d like to tell you what I would need and want. Instead of feeling like a failure…maybe it would be a success! What do you think, mom?”

We had one of the best conversations we had about money and the little intricacies of living together that we ever had. Honest communication.

Not long after this, my new boyfriend gave me what he called the Birthday Bucket, a donation of money, for my birthday, from people all over the world who knew me. People I hadn’t seen in years even.

(More on that story in a past Grace Note HERE if you want to read that story.)

That donation carried me through another entire month of expenses. During that month, I got a job.

I never had to move in with my mother.

But I’m positive, it would have been OK had it gone that way. I wouldn’t have been a failure.

That was all in my head.

If you’d like to do some in-depth work on money, earning, promoting yourself (if you’re in business or even if you’re looking for a job) then come join me on Thursdays, for 8 weeks, to do The Work on Money with a small group.

We meet 8 – 9:30 am Pacific Time. Click HERE to sign up, or hit reply and write me if you have a question.

Tortures of Obsessive Thinking About Money Gone                                              “Can I really take a class on earning money and have the tortures of of my obsessive thinking about it let go, even a little? Eight weeks later, the answer turns out to be, yes!    
What I am taking away from our work together, is that my source of support does not come from black scratchings on a piece of (bank statement) paper. My bed rock of support is already here, within and without, all around me. Thanks for the thought provoking questions, blog posts and your own findings through out the class.” ~ JD, Money Teleclass Participant   

With Love, Grace