Month: October 2013

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That Person Should Do The Work?

I love when beginners to The Work come to gather with me, either one-on-one or in a workshop or teleclass or longer retreat.

This past Saturday afternoon many newcomers to The Work came to learn inquiry at the mini retreat at my little cottage.

They showed up, ready to learn. They were a spectacular group.

Over several years now, working with people in all stages of self-inquiry, I am absolutely *fascinated* by people with Big Questions.

Sometimes, when people encounter The Work, they get sort of….spicy.

They have objections.

There may be something strange, or threatening, or worrisome about it.

  • What d’ya mean IS IT TRUE? Of course it’s true!
  • Who would I be without my stressful belief? I’d be a zombie with no motivation, I’d be an idiot, people would take advantage of me, it would be all MY fault, I’d be a fool
  • If I didn’t believe I have to be nice/kind/polite (fill in the blank) I’d be a jerk all the time and everyone would hate me
  • Isn’t everything NOT absolutely true? Why even ask that question?
  • How do I react when I think that person done me wrong? This has been going on my whole entire life since I was a kid so it’s a loooong story!
  • See, I need to tell you about my situation I wrote about because otherwise I’m not sure you’ll understand
  • I’m so embarrassed that I wrote these judgments down, it makes me feel worse, not better
  • I’m trying to be positive, not negative! This is twisted!
  • I don’t believe in cognitive behavioral psychology or whatever this is
  • this is too much thinking
  • The Work doesn’t work for me

Allrighty then!

There is no way to ever, ever know what someone else’s path should be, if doing The Work is right for them, or to give them what you’ve found.

What do I do when someone else doesn’t see doing The Work as such an exciting, positive, supportive experience?

If it’s stressful in any way, even a teensy eensy bit….I take it to inquiry.

They should get this, I want them to see how freeing this is, I want them to stop suffering. 

Is it true?

Is it really true that they need to do The Work? Is it true they need to stop suffering?

Is it true they shouldn’t have an oppositional reaction?

Well…er…yes!

They should stick with it. Get all their questions answered. Be patient. Not be so contrary. They shouldn’t give up. They can stop suffering!

Are you SURE? Absolutely sure you know what needs to happen for them? Are you sure you know they should stop suffering? Really?

No. It seems weird, but no, I don’t really know WHAT is right for that other person. I don’t even know why I took to The Work so well, why I “got” it at Byron Katie’s School for The Work.

I’m not even sure I DID get it all the time. Now that you asked.

How do I react when I believe the thought that someone else needs to see what’s up with this thing called The Work and how cool it is, and they don’t exactly see it that way, apparently?

I want to explain. Or I recoil and pull back, brush them off.

I start making it a project, hoping I present it “right” or adequately.

I secretly think in my head that the person is just too closed-minded for this, or too set in their ways, too anxious, too smart, too emotional, too immature, too impatient.

I turn the thought around…..they should not stop suffering, it’s not up to me to help, I don’t need to over-explain or “try” or say anything special.

There is nothing I need to do extra, no mistake made, nothing undone.

Everyone is where they are.

They have amazing questions, brilliant concerns, fascinating minds.

Who would I be without the thought that anyone else needs to do The Work, except me?

I would answer their questions. 

I would offer what I know from my experience, if they wanted it, and stop there.

I would have zero expectations.

“The Work doesn’t say what anyone should or shouldn’t do. We simply ask: What is the effect of arguing with reality? How does it feel? This Work explores the cause and effect of attaching to painful thoughts, and in that investigation we find our freedom. To simply say that we shouldn’t argue with reality is just to add another story, another philosophy or religion. It hasn’t ever worked. ” ~ Byron Katie 

When I have zero expectations, my mind may be busy, but I am here, with anyone, with questions, with unknown, with something beyond this mind, a spacious place.

Without the thought that anyone needs to do The Work, without the thought that their objections are frightening or worrisome, I welcome every person who shows up.

I keep offering mini retreats and workshops and classes and solo sessions and it is all for me, all for me. No one needs this.

Except me.

I love everyone who comes. So incredible. Such juicy, alive, worthwhile, honest questions.

“Enlightenment can be measured by how compassionately and wisely you interact with others–with all others, not just those who support you in the way that you want. How you interact with those who do not support you shows how enlightened you really are.” ~ Adyashanti

Love, Grace

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This Joy Belongs To You, Too

First, some shortie announcements: I worked until midnight two nights in a row on my own website and my business facebook page.

I am not all that technically knowledgeable. Or so I thought.

Now I’m dancing the Accomplishment Dance, so much fun to LEARN! 

Check them out and “like” them:

Visit Work With Grace Website 

Visit FB Page Work With Grace

I also have a little ebook on thoughts I’ve heard repeatedly, or noticed within myself as a parent, that have been wildly helpful to question and consider.

Download it for free from the shop on my website. I’d love your feedback and comments. 

My much more comprehensive book on food, eating and consuming is on the way, really, even though it’s not yet born. Not much longer now. 

It’ll be so fun when it’s here. I hope it helps you, if you crave peace with food and eating.

It’s strange how creating something, having it work, bringing it to development, getting to a real end point….can be so thrilling.

It reminds me of the time when I was a child, excitedly imagining fairies in the flowers in our garden.

Believing in magic, spells, ghosts, celebration. Filled with joy, for no reason!

And then something happened….and I believed many thoughts about people, right and wrong, acceptance, rejection, loss, death, birth, hope, devastation, fear in the gut.  

Creativity then tried to come forward. But it got very stilted, sort of lost.

And here now, today…..with the experience of doing The Work for awhile and all this questioning what I think of Reality, I’m remembering that Joy beyond any explanation.

Gratitude so big it feels like it will burst through my chest and fly into the heavens. 

Not sure why it is coming today, with such sweetness. It’s an ordinary day, with nothing special in it. 

And everything special in it. Stunning.

I wish for you to have this Joy as well, if you can’t remember it right now. It is in you, I know it. Because it was in me the whole time, too. 

You can question your thinking and change your reality.

This Poem Belongs to You 

By David Whyte

 This poem

  belongs to you
    and is already finished,

it was begun years ago
     and I put it away
knowing it would come
   into the world
     in its own time.
In fact
   you have already read it,
     and closing the pages 
       of the book,
you are now 
  abandoning the projects
     of the day and putting on
       your shoes and coat 
         to take a walk.
It has been long years
   since you felt like this.
You have remembered
   what I remembered,
     when I first began to write.

Love, Grace

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Finding Your Out-of-Control Place

Last night as I drove my car, my attention was drawn to my right hamstring and the pain that had recently increased, rather than decreased.

The pain is supposed to be going DOWN. Not UP.

It was hurting just to sit in my nice sheep-skin padded car seat. I had to lean way to the left and shift around constantly.

My mind started to replay the scene of the crime. The incident.

OK, so if I landed like THAT when trying to do the gymnastics move, then the weight would be like THIS and it must have pulled on THAT and yanked on THIS….

…What muscle, bone, tendon thing got pulled????

My mind thinks it can find out the answer, and therefore get closer to a solution, if it knows EXACTLY what happened.

There in the quiet car, I smiled for a moment when I realized that this happens with emotional pain as well.

There’s an incident. A blow. Mean words. A shock.

Something feels “ouch”.

Then there is a bracing against the pain. Sometimes a huge wall is built against that pain, closing off all fun, pleasure, relaxation and happiness.

As time passes, following the event, the mind returns over and over again to other scenes….how we could have avoided this, how we can prevent it from ever, ever happening again in the future.

It’s sooooo stressful to be so cautious, careful, nervous, and hurt.

I remembered, in the quiet car, that I could do The Work on the frustration and disappointment with this physical “problem”.

It’s a problem…is it true?

Are you kidding me? Of course it’s a problem! I am not supposed to be in pain! This must be fixed! NOW. Something is wrong!

But can you absolutely know that it’s true that this is a problem?

A woman I worked with recently who has been suffering because her partner left her answered YES, this is absolutely a problem.

NOTHING good about this. Nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing.

But could I know this about my hurting ham string? What a strange question.

It is so assumed that pain is a problem, and the goal is to never have it.

Physical or emotional.

But I know that in my life, some of the most painful, excruciating experiences ever led to peace, success, trust and love that I had no idea could exist.

I’m not sure what benefits could come from a hamstring injury…but I have the feeling, from doing The Work for awhile now, that there’s been one.

Which might mean it’s not exactly an absolute problem.

So, no. I don’t know for sure.

But even if you answer “yes” that you know it is absolutely true that you have a major problem….keep going through the steps of inquiry.

How do you react when you believe you are hurt, and it’s horrible?

I believe life sucks. I ask God/Source why it’s set up like this (I have doubts and I’m very suspicious). I think “I’m so vulnerable”.

I feel sorry for myself. I feel *rage* and despair. I try to ignore what happened, or the pain I feel.

I don’t call the doctor. I give up.

So….ready? Who would you be without the thought that this is such a problem? Without the thought that this is terrible, long-lasting, never-ending? That you can’t get over this?

Without the thought, my pain feels sort of…..interesting.

I notice I’m breathing, living, able to work, teaching my teleclasses, going about my world to the library, the market, flying on airplanes, doing stuff on the computer.

I’m not actually thinking of my pain 24/7.

Sometimes I’m asleep!

Turning the thought around, I consider that this pain, this diagnosis, this condition, this situation, this event…..is NOT a problem.

What if it’s a solution?

Well, I’ve changed around my gym routine entirely and notice I like doing something new. I’m stretching more.

I stand more often, instead of sit and slouch. My back is happier.

I met really nice people at the physical therapy place, I learned a bunch of stuff about legs, bones, hips, muscles. I’m considering going swimming for the first time in 20 years—and I used to swim competitively.

How could I live this turnaround, trusting that something is inviting me to a new experience, a new life, a new place?

Wow. That is VERY exciting to think of what this could be offering my life, drawing me to do differently.

What if this situation is beckoning me to an alternative, a change in my mind, surrender, relax, rest, wait, be?

“Now sweetheart, close your eyes, and go to the place where you are very, very ill. You feel like vomiting. You’re in terrible nausea. Now see if you can locate the place that doesn’t care. The place that really isn’t bothered by it. It’s there. See if you can locate it–the part of you that is unaffected. The part of you that just watches. Go back to the last time you were in so much pain and see if you can locate it…..Go back with it again. It’s apart–no matter how much pain you’re in–it’s witnessing, watching….That’s the one that cares nothing for control. So let that one grow. It cares nothing for control.” ~ Byron Katie 

Could there be a place in you where there is no concern for this situation?

I can find it.

If you’re interested in studying pain, sickness and death…I would love for you to join me on a six week teleclass journey beginning Tuesday, October 29th 5:15-6:45 pm pacific time. Register Here to Join Me!

There’s no guarantee of changing anything physically. You know this. But you may find the incredible lightness that can occur with a change in the mind!

Pain After The Work
“During the retreat I did work on pain. The next week I ceased taking a variety of pain medicine. All over the counter & prescription medication as well as more stronger stuff like opium & Kava. The result of that action was a dramatic reduction in body pain! Who’d a thunk it!” ~ Washington

Love, Grace

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True Love Doesn’t Want That Person To Change

People in the northwest near Seattle!

We have wonderful inquirers coming on Saturday afternoon for the October 19th mini retreat (next one November 30th) from 1:30-5:30 pm.

This is offered five times per year for a sweet deal….four hours of walking through a difficult situation in your life from start to finish using The Work of Byron Katie.

Everyone welcome, beginner to experienced in The Work.

Write me to see if there’s space: grace@workwithgrace.com and I’ll send you all the information, cost, registration, details.

And if you’re wondering what you would do The Work on? Maybe there is one person in your life who has kinda bugged you.

Perhaps a romantic partner, a long-term mate, or someone you once dated.

They don’t have to still be in your life for strong insights to come alive with self-inquiry.

A primary life partner and what we really think about their faults is a super crazy stressful experience for many of us.

That person does things that drive us nuts. Or they worry us. Or we feel really sad about something they repeatedly do.

Tragedy, pain, loss, anxiety….irritation!

The other day I was working with a beautiful inquirer who had a really common and very painful situation to investigate with her husband.

He drinks too much.

I’ve had people come to inquiry to look at someone they are very close to, and they don’t like that person’s smoking, their weight, their temper, their career (or lack of it), their table manners, their movie preferences, their flirtation with others, their clothing style, their friends, their home’s interior design.

I mean, this can get really petty…or it can be a Deal Breaker.

As in, if that person doesn’t change, I’m outta here!!!

The thing is, it’s rough being the one with all the opinions, looking over at that person we care about with disdain, annoyance, criticism or fear.

If that person would just change, I’d feel much better.

Uh oh.

This is a very edgy, painful, other-oriented, time and energy consuming thought.

You can feel the stress. So you know, it’s time for inquiry.

That person drinks too much. They don’t take care of themselves. They should stop.

Is it true?

Yeah. Duh. Who wants to be with an alcoholic, or a party-er, or someone who can’t be reliable, or who puts themselves in danger?

Slow it down. Can you absolutely know without a doubt that they drink too much, that you KNOW what it means about them, or that they should stop?

You might still answer “yes”. Keep going.

How do you react when you think this judgment about that person?

It takes up tons of energy. Mental space. I analyze the heck out of them. I try to figure out ways to help them.

It’s a drag.

Who would you be without the thought that they should stop? That you need to help them? That you know what’s best?

Who would you be without the thought that they drink too much? Eat too much? Need to get a job? Have poor taste in color choice?

So interesting…I noticed a long time ago for myself that I come back into the present moment, when I don’t believe that this person needs to change in order to make me happy.

I come back to taking care of MYSELF. I make myself happy.

Byron Katie says “skip the middle man”.

I notice that I don’t actually have much fun talking with someone who has had a lot of alcohol to drink. So I go talk with someone else. There’s a whole world full of interesting and fascinating people.

Without the thought, I stop the war. I am not against this person I adore. I allow them to be as they are.

I allow myself to be as I am. I ask if I can redecorate their living room. They say “yes” or “no” and I am happy with either answer. If they say “no” I don’t hang out in that room much, I notice.

I may ask them if there’s any way I can support them. There may be no way I can.

I feel joy being me, without the thought that they need to do anything in order for me to be happy.

WOW.

“To the ego, loving and wanting are the same, whereas true love has no wanting in it, no desire to possess, or for your partner to change. The ego singles someone out and makes them special. It uses that person to cover up the constant underlying feeling of discontent, of “not enough,” of anger and hate, which are closely related.” ~ Eckhart Tolle 

This does not mean that I don’t break up with someone….that might be very kind to me to do that.

I may get divorced, move out, move away.

But it’s done with such deep appreciation, gratitude that this person propelled me back to myself.

The feeling inside is gentleness, openness, acceptance, surrender.

Enjoying my own company.

If I happen to be with someone else, that’s just the icing on top of the delicious cake.

Much love, Grace

P.S. Our Wonderful Sexuality will now start in January on Tuesdays! This is an awesome topic for romantic relationships, and one we don’t talk about out loud much. It’s the VERY SAME as what I’ve just written about today…uncovering, questioning, and shifting all the judgments about how that person should change, and entering true love instead.

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It’s Broken! How Exciting!

Argggg! The computer thingy won’t go right! The font won’t change! I can’t get a space between paragraphs! The website link isn’t working!

The Work on technical difficulties! Oh boy!

Small movements of attention to the little administrative happenings of life can seem silly to do The Work on….

….they are not matters of life and death, not the greatest stressors.

And yet, in that very moment when the “thing” isn’t working, or it broke, it’s not doing as you wish it to do….it can be very frustrating.

A wonderful microcosm of the way the mind has an opinion, so fast, that the l thing should NOT be the way it is, it should be different.

Sometimes these “smaller” situations for inquiry are actually fantastic for self-discovery, perhaps because there isn’t so much fear present.

Traffic, tardiness, the store closing unexpectedly, the paper getting torn, the files being misplaced, the form too complicated, a late fee getting added to the account, the wait in line being too long, the drawer not opening properly, the dish breaking, the battery too low, the library sending overdue notices, the drain being clogged.

There it is, so quick. I see the situation. I react.

The first question “Is It True?” dials it all back, to PRE-reaction.

It stops everything in motion.

Is it true that the thingy should be easier, different….that this piece of pottery should be united with that piece of pottery to make a whole dish?

No.

The dish is broken. In half. At this moment in reality, it should be broken.

Because that’s what it is.

How do you react when you believe the computer thingy should be different, should work, needs to go another way?

A wave of energy rises through my body, my hands make a clenched fist, I make a sound that is like a growl.

I remember my old lap top getting a virus.

I was driving it to a special place and paying several hundreds of dollars that was very difficult for me to pay at the time (I could question that now).

I remember the feeling of the hassle, the expense, the parking lot, the men who all worked in the sick-computer place. Driving there three times.

How do I react when I believe that it shouldn’t be this way?

I distrust the computer guys. I think about what evil person out there is sending viruses.

I think I need the communication the computer provides.

Inside, I’m reacting like its an emergency.

Who would you be without the thought that this thingy should be NOT broken?

Without the thought that it shouldn’t have gone like that? That it’s terrible if you’re late? That the virus shouldn’t exist? That the drain shouldn’t be clogged? That the toilet shouldn’t be dirty?

This is an amazing question.

What if everything around you, as it flows and moves and comes apart, breaks, takes longer, comes together, and dissolves….what if everything is as it should be?

It feels so light and incredible inside this body, without that thought.

Open, expansive, slowed down, waiting….but with curiosity, excitement, or gentleness.

I turn the thoughts around to the opposite, to see what could be an advantage to this going the way it is going.

“Any time the ego hits “victim” (which is all the time), victim role, victim identity, it’s secure. Can you imagine a planet where when it rains, we complain? I’m a victim of the rain.”~ Byron Katie

Today, in this moment, it’s good that the old laptop got a virus, the cup smashed, the door jammed.

Because I got a brand new more awesome computer.

Because I learn that it is truly OK, even better, that the thing is broken…then it becomes OK that my toe broke, my car stalled, I missed the flight…

….then it is OK that my house burned, my dog died, my dad got cancer.

I actually find advantages.

If I can’t…I find them in these “smaller” situations and notice, miraculously, that I am not a victim after all.

“If you realize that all things change, there is nothing you will try to hold on to. If you aren’t afraid of dying, there is nothing you can’t achieve. Trying to control the future is like trying to take the master carpenter’s place. When you handle the master carpenter’s tools, chances are that you’ll cut you hand.” ~ Tao Te Ching #74

Much love, Grace
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Not Pretending You Like Someone When You Don’t

A wonderful inquirer wrote in a great question (I LOVE everyone’s questions, and comments on my website who writes and I answer them all!

She asked “what if I don’t WANT to do The Work on someone, and accept them or put up with them?”

Like what if I really don’t like that person very much…and that is FINE with me?

Such a fantastic question, as it opens up the awareness of what we expect The Work to do, what the end result might be, what will happen after we inquire.

So there’s that annoying person and you notice when you think of them, you feel some level of stress.

(Which shows it’s not really fine with you).

You remember incidents, uncomfortable events, or aspects of them you don’t like.

How about someone who steals, cheats, lies, is often drunk, calls people names, or causes a commotion when in a group?

Or what about that false, fakey-voiced person who talks about people all the time behind their backs who kind of drives you nuts when you run into them?

Or maybe there is that dear friend who betrayed you, you were shocked, and it seems best to leave the situation alone for now.

The last thing you want is to hang out MORE with that person, or re-open contact, or create unrest or anxiety for anyone involved.

Doing The Work on this person is powerful…..and it may uncover new and subtle, or hidden, beliefs that you haven’t previously been aware of.

So let’s say you question your thinking about that mean ex-boyfriend, or that irritating teacher from your childhood….or even that violent person with whom you had a relationship several years ago.

You come to an understanding that everyone was doing the best they could.

You may appreciate, very deeply, your interaction with that person. You may realize that your life went differently, and better, because of that person.

I have found the deepest gratitude for several individuals who interacted with me in my life, in ways I would have never imagined before The Work.

But does this mean you NEED to contact them? Does it mean you can’t say “no” if they come knocking on your door?

What if you’ve made amends, and feel complete in the relationship, for now?

Because for me, there are new stressful beliefs uncovered sometimes, about what we believe and what we’re supposed to do next, as we reach greater understanding.

  • I should talk, see, get together, email with that person if they ask for a conversation
  • If I say “no” I will hurt their feelings
  • A good, kind person would be open to hanging out with anyone
  • If I love that person, I have to spend time with them, or stay married, or live with them
  • it means I didn’t fully do The Work if I don’t feel comfortable being someone’s friend

Let’s take a look.

Is it true, that you should say yes to requests for contact from that person? Are you sure that a good, kind person would be more open? If you say no and their feelings are hurt, is that really bad? Or your fault?

Are you sure you should be reacting differently than you are, now that you have clarity and appreciation for that person?

Do you really have to spend time with someone you don’t really like? Is it really unkind, or somehow BAD, to notice you don’t want to spend time with someone?

Hmmm. I find my answer is No.

Not absolutely true.

It’s amazing how strong the idea that I should be open to everyone and comfortable, kind, giving, loving, gentle and accepting of all of humanity, all the time.

Like Mother Theresa. Or Buddha. Or Jesus.

Although, I don’t think they “accepted” everyone constantly and had no opinions or preferences, ever. I can tell there is some sort of illusion going on here about what genuine “love” is supposed to look like.

I could be mistaken!

How do you react when you believe the thought that you shouldn’t hurt someone’s feelings, or that you HAVE hurt them?

How do you react when you think you should say yes, hang out, move in, stay together?

Oh lordy!

I smile, I have conversations I don’t even want to have, I talk with people when I’m bored, I feel powerless, anxious, nervous, torn.

I avoid people, I curl up in a ball on the inside. I make up excuses and say I’m not available for other reasons than “I don’t want to get together with you”.

I feel bad about myself, I attack myself for being passive, or pathetic.

So who would I be without the thought that I should like being with someone?

Without the thought that someone might hurt me, or be rude, or be demanding, or nasty, if I decline their company?

“Don’t pretend yourself beyond your own evolution.” ~ Byron Katie

I’d be so clear, it would be awesome. I’d be direct. Precise. Lazer. Efficient.

Without the thought, I’d feel free, able to change my mind, able to be myself, fully. This is true love. Open, liberated love.

Love where I have unconditional positive regard for both myself and for the other. I know everyone’s OK, whether we talk or not.

There is no obligation.

I turn these thoughts around, and try them on, finding genuine, authentic ways that these opposites could be just as true or truer:

  • I should say no with trust, and willingness to be hated—that person has the right to feel as they feel
  • If I say “no” I will heal their feelings
  • A good, kind person would NOT be open hanging out with anyone…a good kind person would choose wisely and always check in with themselves first and foremost
  • If I love that person, it doesn’t mean I ever have to spend time with them
  • it does NOT mean I didn’t fully do The Work if I don’t feel comfortable being someone’s friend – I might finally be clear about endings and beginnings

I don’t need anyone to like me. I don’t need anyone to approve of me.

I don’t need to say yes when I feel no.

“Someone says ‘you’re hurting me’ and if I believe that my life just tumbles into in-authenticity. I lose self-respect, and I blame them. I’m out of touch with myself, I blame them….This is about taking 100% responsibility for YOU.” ~ Byron Katie

Just keep doing The Work and see how you feel about those people who have really been over the top for you, or made a major impact on your life.

If it’s not right to invite them over, then it’s not.

And one day, you may find, they can be in your presence and you aren’t afraid at all, because you’ve made peace with yourself.

Much love, Grace

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Should You Be There By Now?

The difference between looking at your life in a macro, high altitude what-is-the-meaning-of-my-life way, and looking at it in the day-to-day buy-groceries-do-the-laundry way can feel huge.

Since I was on “spiritual” retreat lately I spent time contemplating the great question “who am I?”

I also contemplated my writing and how much longer it was going to take to finish my book on ending disordered eating and addiction with self-inquiry.

Which I thought would be done by now.

It’s like my mind would pop over to the issue of when, how and where I would fit in time to get crackin’ at that project and FINISH it.

Some of my retreat companions had the same ideas about enlightenment.

They thought they’d be “awake” by now, given all their study of consciousness over many years.

That’s a funny and insidious little thought, that something should have happened by now that hasn’t actually happened yet.

  • I should have found a life partner by now
  • I should have lost weight by now
  • I should be over my addictive thinking by now
  • I should have made a coupla million by now
  • I should have discovered by perfect career by now
  • I should be famous by now
  • I should be enlightened by now

Even if you don’t believe it entirely, it can still be somewhat annoying just noticing that you aren’t quite where you thought you might be.

Not there yet.

I remember learning math in grade school and the idea that you can keep dividing a number by another number and although it gets close to zero, it never actually gets to zero.

How irritating!

The funny thing is….not ever getting there seems to be the way of life.

Even recognizing this, it’s so much fun to do The Work on some goal that is particularly irksome to you personally.

That thing you’re reaching for, that seems elusive or Not Quite It yet.

“I should be there by now”.

Is it true?

Yes! If I had pulled it together, completed the book proposal, and sent it out, then I’d be a) making more money, b) published, which I foresaw in myself since age 18, and c) able to finally rest.

The goal would be complete. I’d have cooked that one. I’d feel proud, accomplished, happy.

But can you absolutely know that it’s true that you should have that thing, be done with that project, have it done, be there? Are you sure it would mean you could finally rest?

Hmmm. Seems like it would be nice. Seems like it would be pleasant to stop the seeking, moving, forward motion, examination, reaching for that.

Yet I can’t absolutely KNOW that it’s true that if I DID complete this thing, that if it WAS finished, that I would be happy, resolved, secure, satisfied.

I might feel settled or thrilled for a few minutes, and then have new ideas.

That’s happened before.

So….no. I can’t absolutely know that it’s true that I should have that or be there by now.

How do you react when you believe you should have done that, said that, arrived there, finished that by now?

Discouraged. Hopeless. Applying MORE energy and intensity. Wondering what’s missing. Ready to drive harder. Or else give up in despair.

With the thought, the mind races. Gets a bigger plan. Figures out a new approach. Regroups. Can’t rest.

With the thought, I’m aware of time passing. Hurry hurry hurry!

Ack. It’s very tiring.

So who would you be without the thought that you should have that, be there, or done that by now?

Without the thought that you should have finished that book, or gotten married, or had a kid, or finished your degree, or built a business empire, or become enlightened?

Suddenly, without those kinds of thoughts, there is this moment here, unfinished, not quite done yet, but all just fine.

I hear sounds, see this room, feel the temperature, notice this body, feel the pulse of being alive.

I have images in my mind of all these hopes, dreams, accomplishments, realized goals…..and this unfinished, open, infinite, wild moment of NOW.

Without the thought of the sadness of unfinished goals, there is empty space and quiet and somehow, inexplicably…there is joy. Right here.

  • I should NOT have found a life partner by now
  • I should NOT have lost weight by now
  • I should NOT be over my addictive thinking by now
  • I should NOT have made a coupla million by now
  • I should NOT have discovered by perfect career by now
  • I should NOT be famous by now
  • I should NOT be enlightened by now

How could this be as true, or truer, than thinking I should have made it by now?

How is it awesome, fabulous and exciting that I haven’t achieved these things, completed it, finished it, gotten over it, made it?

“As long as we think there is something to get (or something we’ve gotten that we need to hold onto, or identify with, or remain ever-mindful of), we will suffer. When it is recognized that there is literally nothing to get and no one to get it, that is freedom.” ~ Joan Tollifson

I love noticing that being here now without thinking that I know what’s best for me is so sweet, mysterious, and strange.

When I’m the ruler of the universe about what I should have by now (whatever that is) then I get very tense.

When I find advantages for NOT having it yet, whatever I think “it” is, then the journey is so exciting.

Like Dorothy on the yellow brick road, like the middle of the Lord of The Rings, like all epic tales, the adventure continues.

Without suffering.

“The reason that you are here, wherever here is for you, is because it is the only place that you can be right now.” ~ Adyashanti

Without the thought that I should have done that by now, I can finally rest.

Much love, Grace

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Surrender Shows Up At A Dinner Party

There is nothing like a small gathering of thoughtful, kind, dynamic people meeting to explore Whatever This Is.

I am on retreat with fellow journeyers in Tucson, Arizona right now. The sky is wide open, cloudless, with a half moon hanging brightly in it.

We’ve all just eaten dinner together creating a big delicious meal in the house kitchen I’m renting with another participant in this sangha, which means, loosely, spiritual support group.

The word sangha comes from the Buddhist term for monks and nuns and the community they created together.

Following dinner, several of us sat around the table, talking for hours.

For me, a very introverted person (yes it’s true despite the rumors)….hanging out with fellow humans communicating in a meaningful, happy, simple way where we’re together allowing the conversation to flow is something I don’t often do with more than one person.

If you start getting into over two people, I get a little giddy, or nervous, or over-stimulated.

This is where I used to expect wine or beer to be involved, like it was an automatic part of connecting with bigger groups for meals.

But our kitchen was filled with eight people, just being together to eat, and I watched myself stir fry vegetables and help create a feast.

All my companions probably don’t realize how rare it was for me to cook and serve.

My thoughts about cooking and preparing food have been pretty rebellious, or pretty filled with aversion.

I have been known to say I don’t cook, won’t cook, don’t like it, don’t want to do it, and will never.

I’ve always brought loaves of bread or salad to potlucks.

If someone starts talking about a recipe, I’m yawning in one minute.

And yet, here it was my turn, it turned out, to create with food for others, and there was no Should, Have To, Won’t. The mind amazingly did not have much to say about it.

An ordinary gathering, and yet not so ordinary.

Because I am different than I once was.

Through self-inquiry, investigation of thoughts, using the incredible tool called The Work, the way I interact with the world is completely changed.

What is deeply on the inside, that I perhaps kept buried or didn’t think was safe to share, is now out in the open or close to the surface.

I find myself curious and interested in what I do….I’m looking at this person called me and saying “oh look, what will she do now?” like it’s fun and entertaining.

And there are no stories that are set in stone, ever, anymore. Like “I hate to cook” or “I’m very shy” or “I need to sleep longer” or “life is hard” or “I don’t get what’s going on here, on planet earth”.

During our group time earlier in the day, with our teacher Stephen Bodian, something he said sparked me to think about dropping my stories of even awakening, enlightenment, awareness, what it takes to discover peace.

It can happen now. Or today. Or during a dinner party. Or cleaning your house. Or sitting quietly in the morning.

In an instant. Not in a lifetime of struggle and work.

It an happen the minute you ask yourself “is it true?”

I love The Work as it has given my mind steps to walk through, one by one, in order. Simple, simple, simple. Following the very simple directions.

And here I am, in pure easy gratitude, for this quiet moment, the smell of desert air, for the voices and people and eating dinner together before, feeling absolute joy.

“And when all the struggle ceases, we realize that the prison of our mind cannot hold us in anymore, because the prison was all along something we imagined into existence. And imagined things aren’t real, they don’t exist. But we could never really see this as long as we were fighting the phantoms of our minds. We needed the one thing that our imaginary minds could not bring about, could not fake or create: the genuine surrender of all struggle.” ~ Adyashanti

No need to control, plan, organize, push against, resist, be bolder than I am, less shy, different. No need to hope, grab, give up in a despairing way. No need to make sure other people are OK, or safe, or comfortable.

No need to have a huge epiphany, or change.

Over time, doing The Work and questioning thoughts of struggle, relaxation happens.

Surrender can show up at a dinner party.

Much love, Grace

P.S. If you find you’re struggling with fear of death and physical pain, those can be biggies. I’d love for you to join me in the 6 week class Pain, Sickness and Death exploring our beliefs about these, about physical threats, starting in a couple of weeks on Tuesdays 5:15-6:45 pm.

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Come Do The Work Next Saturday

Quick Saturday announcement that it’s only one week until October 19th mini retreat in Seattle.

Gather together to do The Work, from start to finish, for four hours.

No experience necessary.

Find out why this is so incredible, for so many people all over the world, for releasing stress and dissolving emotional pain.

If you have lots of experience doing The Work you will get the opportunity to sit with a stressful, difficult situation in your life and investigate it from start to finish, giving yourself the time needed to do this.

As Byron Katie says…that’s why it’s called The Work.

Because it does require “work”.

Alive action. Presence. Quiet. Contemplation. Meditation. An open mind. The capacity to answer four powerful and profound questions.

The ability to stay, to stick with the process, to give yourself the gift of Not Doing anything except have a conversation with your own mind.

“The Work only works if you answer the questions.” ~ Byron Katie

Come join a small group for Saturday afternoon inquiry.

Four Continuing Education Units offered for all mental health professionals in Washington State through the Washington State Society for Clinical Social Work.

First timers $70, second time or more only $55.

Facilitation, guidance, learning The Work, stepping through the process, getting the chance to facilitate yourself, delicious snacks, and all materials included in the fee.

Much love, Grace

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That Terrible, Embarrassing Situation

Recently I was driving my car, the wind shield wipers flapping back and forth on high as the rain pelted down.

I was alone with my thoughts and the unfolding road in front of me, in the city with lots of cars, tail lights, motors, movement.

In the silence of the car interior I found myself considering the topic, as I have done so many times before, that I offer to all the participants in the fifth week of the Relationship Hell To Heaven teleclass.

Shame, Embarrassment and Guilt.

No big deal, just a little topic. Heh heh.

Suddenly, I had the thought to revisit an embarrassing situation in my past, and do some sleuthing for what was going on, what I believed, that produced guilt, or that sick feeling that I was doing something wrong.

This is what all the participants get to do as well. It’s not easy. It can make us feel bad, just remembering the situation.

We’d like to forget about it! Not go into it in more detail! Jeez!

But I know that bringing that situation to mind in the most crystal clear way possible is the way to understanding, to truth.

As I saw the situation in my mind, a 5 minute moment from the past, I allowed it to freeze, like stopping the film in a movie.

Yep, that’s a situation I felt really guilty about. Got it. Yuck. I wouldn’t want anyone, ever, to see this movie.

Too embarrassing.

Now that I have the awful moment…..the terrible situation….I take out the Judge Your Neighbor worksheet.

Here’s the interesting part.

I focus on the other person, or people, involved.

Yes, the vicious thoughts against myself are flying around like a thousand bees, but focusing on the self-condemnation won’t necessarily bring peace.

If you can, direct your attention outward, to who or what was present that contributed to this embarrassing situation.

Later on, when I wasn’t driving anymore, I slowly wrote down all my concepts on the Judge Your Neighbor worksheet.

I wanted her to stop pushing me, asking me. I wanted her to not allow her feelings to run rampant. I wanted her to be sober. She should have known better. She should have stopped. She should have cared about me. I needed her to be calm, wise, sincere, honest and supportive. She was crazy, pushy, selfish, grabby, a liar, falsely flattering me. I don’t ever want to hurt other people by colluding with someone like that again.

I point my finger at her, even though in this state of shame, I feel the finger pointing also at myself.

Now….I can do The Work.

Is it true that she should have known better, that she should have been different, that everything would have been OK without her being that way?

Yes! The whole entire thing could have been avoided, I’m sure of it! I was horrible in that situation, too…but without her being so crazy, and demanding, things would have gone MUCH BETTER!

Can I know this, absolutely? Am I sure?

No. Sigh.

How do I react when I think all those thoughts about that other person? All those terrible thoughts about me?

I replay the scene in my mind and wish I could undo it. I want to erase the past.

Hopeless.

Who would you be without the thought that it shouldn’t have gone the way it did?

Who would I be without the belief that she was to blame, I was to blame, someone was to blame, that Reality Sucked in that situation back then?

Wait a moment. Let that sink in.

Really?

Without the thought that the whole thing was wrong, bad, harmful, sucky?

I’m sitting still for awhile, images running through my head, looking around the room.

Then I notice tears flowing down my cheeks. Great huge tears of cleansing grief. I’m not even sure why. Beyond mind.

No one evil. No one unsafe. No one wrong?

The cork taken out of feeling the shame, humiliation, anger, sadness, loss, repression.

Freedom to see completely that everyone did the best they could at the time, and it was all good enough.

Turning the thought around, I sit with that situation, the memory, and feel it as right, good, supportive, and loving.

Can I see that as true, or truer?

Yes.

“Our imagination is a very powerful force in determining what we perceive. If we imagine that the world is teeming with evil forces, we will surely perceive the world as evil. But if we imagine the world to be essentially good, we will perceive it as good. Either way it is the same world that we are looking at.” ~ Adyashanti

Much love, Grace