Not Pretending You Like Someone When You Don’t

A wonderful inquirer wrote in a great question (I LOVE everyone’s questions, and comments on my website who writes and I answer them all!

She asked “what if I don’t WANT to do The Work on someone, and accept them or put up with them?”

Like what if I really don’t like that person very much…and that is FINE with me?

Such a fantastic question, as it opens up the awareness of what we expect The Work to do, what the end result might be, what will happen after we inquire.

So there’s that annoying person and you notice when you think of them, you feel some level of stress.

(Which shows it’s not really fine with you).

You remember incidents, uncomfortable events, or aspects of them you don’t like.

How about someone who steals, cheats, lies, is often drunk, calls people names, or causes a commotion when in a group?

Or what about that false, fakey-voiced person who talks about people all the time behind their backs who kind of drives you nuts when you run into them?

Or maybe there is that dear friend who betrayed you, you were shocked, and it seems best to leave the situation alone for now.

The last thing you want is to hang out MORE with that person, or re-open contact, or create unrest or anxiety for anyone involved.

Doing The Work on this person is powerful…..and it may uncover new and subtle, or hidden, beliefs that you haven’t previously been aware of.

So let’s say you question your thinking about that mean ex-boyfriend, or that irritating teacher from your childhood….or even that violent person with whom you had a relationship several years ago.

You come to an understanding that everyone was doing the best they could.

You may appreciate, very deeply, your interaction with that person. You may realize that your life went differently, and better, because of that person.

I have found the deepest gratitude for several individuals who interacted with me in my life, in ways I would have never imagined before The Work.

But does this mean you NEED to contact them? Does it mean you can’t say “no” if they come knocking on your door?

What if you’ve made amends, and feel complete in the relationship, for now?

Because for me, there are new stressful beliefs uncovered sometimes, about what we believe and what we’re supposed to do next, as we reach greater understanding.

• I should talk, see, get together, email with that person if they ask for a conversation
• If I say “no” I will hurt their feelings
• A good, kind person would be open to hanging out with anyone
• If I love that person, I have to spend time with them, or stay married, or live with them
• it means I didn’t fully do The Work if I don’t feel comfortable being someone’s friend

Let’s take a look.

Is it true, that you should say yes to requests for contact from that person? Are you sure that a good, kind person would be more open? If you say no and their feelings are hurt, is that really bad? Or your fault?

Are you sure you should be reacting differently than you are, now that you have clarity and appreciation for that person?

Do you really have to spend time with someone you don’t really like? Is it really unkind, or somehow BAD, to notice you don’t want to spend time with someone?

Hmmm. I find my answer is No.

Not absolutely true.

It’s amazing how strong the idea that I should be open to everyone and comfortable, kind, giving, loving, gentle and accepting of all of humanity, all the time.

Like Mother Theresa. Or Buddha. Or Jesus.

Although, I don’t think they “accepted” everyone constantly and had no opinions or preferences, ever. I can tell there is some sort of illusion going on here about what genuine “love” is supposed to look like.

I could be mistaken!

How do you react when you believe the thought that you shouldn’t hurt someone’s feelings, or that you HAVE hurt them?

How do you react when you think you should say yes, hang out, move in, stay together?

Oh lordy!

I smile, I have conversations I don’t even want to have, I talk with people when I’m bored, I feel powerless, anxious, nervous, torn.

I avoid people, I curl up in a ball on the inside. I make up excuses and say I’m not available for other reasons than “I don’t want to get together with you”.

I feel bad about myself, I attack myself for being passive, or pathetic.

So who would I be without the thought that I should like being with someone?

Without the thought that someone might hurt me, or be rude, or be demanding, or nasty, if I decline their company?

“Don’t pretend yourself beyond your own evolution.” ~ Byron Katie

I’d be so clear, it would be awesome. I’d be direct. Precise. Lazer. Efficient.

Without the thought, I’d feel free, able to change my mind, able to be myself, fully. This is true love. Open, liberated love.

Love where I have unconditional positive regard for both myself and for the other. I know everyone’s OK, whether we talk or not.

There is no obligation.

I turn these thoughts around, and try them on, finding genuine, authentic ways that these opposites could be just as true or truer:

• I should say no with trust, and willingness to be hated—that person has the right to feel as they feel
• If I say “no” I will heal their feelings
• A good, kind person would NOT be open hanging out with anyone…a good kind person would choose wisely and always check in with themselves first and foremost
• If I love that person, it doesn’t mean I ever have to spend time with them
• it does NOT mean I didn’t fully do The Work if I don’t feel comfortable being someone’s friend – I might finally be clear about endings and beginnings

I don’t need anyone to like me. I don’t need anyone to approve of me.

I don’t need to say yes when I feel no.

“Someone says ‘you’re hurting me’ and if I believe that my life just tumbles into in-authenticity. I lose self-respect, and I blame them. I’m out of touch with myself, I blame them….This is about taking 100% responsibility for YOU.” ~ Byron Katie