The difference between looking at your life in a macro, high altitude what-is-the-meaning-of-my-life way, and looking at it in the day-to-day buy-groceries-do-the-laundry way can feel huge.
Since I was on “spiritual” retreat lately I spent time contemplating the great question “who am I?”
I also contemplated my writing and how much longer it was going to take to finish my book on ending disordered eating and addiction with self-inquiry.
Which I thought would be done by now.
It’s like my mind would pop over to the issue of when, how and where I would fit in time to get crackin’ at that project and FINISH it.
Some of my retreat companions had the same ideas about enlightenment.
They thought they’d be “awake” by now, given all their study of consciousness over many years.
That’s a funny and insidious little thought, that something should have happened by now that hasn’t actually happened yet.
- I should have found a life partner by now
- I should have lost weight by now
- I should be over my addictive thinking by now
- I should have made a coupla million by now
- I should have discovered by perfect career by now
- I should be famous by now
- I should be enlightened by now
Even if you don’t believe it entirely, it can still be somewhat annoying just noticing that you aren’t quite where you thought you might be.
Not there yet.
I remember learning math in grade school and the idea that you can keep dividing a number by another number and although it gets close to zero, it never actually gets to zero.
How irritating!
The funny thing is….not ever getting there seems to be the way of life.
Even recognizing this, it’s so much fun to do The Work on some goal that is particularly irksome to you personally.
That thing you’re reaching for, that seems elusive or Not Quite It yet.
“I should be there by now”.
Is it true?
Yes! If I had pulled it together, completed the book proposal, and sent it out, then I’d be a) making more money, b) published, which I foresaw in myself since age 18, and c) able to finally rest.
The goal would be complete. I’d have cooked that one. I’d feel proud, accomplished, happy.
But can you absolutely know that it’s true that you should have that thing, be done with that project, have it done, be there? Are you sure it would mean you could finally rest?
Hmmm. Seems like it would be nice. Seems like it would be pleasant to stop the seeking, moving, forward motion, examination, reaching for that.
Yet I can’t absolutely KNOW that it’s true that if I DID complete this thing, that if it WAS finished, that I would be happy, resolved, secure, satisfied.
I might feel settled or thrilled for a few minutes, and then have new ideas.
That’s happened before.
So….no. I can’t absolutely know that it’s true that I should have that or be there by now.
How do you react when you believe you should have done that, said that, arrived there, finished that by now?
Discouraged. Hopeless. Applying MORE energy and intensity. Wondering what’s missing. Ready to drive harder. Or else give up in despair.
With the thought, the mind races. Gets a bigger plan. Figures out a new approach. Regroups. Can’t rest.
With the thought, I’m aware of time passing. Hurry hurry hurry!
Ack. It’s very tiring.
So who would you be without the thought that you should have that, be there, or done that by now?
Without the thought that you should have finished that book, or gotten married, or had a kid, or finished your degree, or built a business empire, or become enlightened?
Suddenly, without those kinds of thoughts, there is this moment here, unfinished, not quite done yet, but all just fine.
I hear sounds, see this room, feel the temperature, notice this body, feel the pulse of being alive.
I have images in my mind of all these hopes, dreams, accomplishments, realized goals…..and this unfinished, open, infinite, wild moment of NOW.
Without the thought of the sadness of unfinished goals, there is empty space and quiet and somehow, inexplicably…there is joy. Right here.
- I should NOT have found a life partner by now
- I should NOT have lost weight by now
- I should NOT be over my addictive thinking by now
- I should NOT have made a coupla million by now
- I should NOT have discovered by perfect career by now
- I should NOT be famous by now
- I should NOT be enlightened by now
How could this be as true, or truer, than thinking I should have made it by now?
How is it awesome, fabulous and exciting that I haven’t achieved these things, completed it, finished it, gotten over it, made it?
“As long as we think there is something to get (or something we’ve gotten that we need to hold onto, or identify with, or remain ever-mindful of), we will suffer. When it is recognized that there is literally nothing to get and no one to get it, that is freedom.” ~ Joan Tollifson
I love noticing that being here now without thinking that I know what’s best for me is so sweet, mysterious, and strange.
When I’m the ruler of the universe about what I should have by now (whatever that is) then I get very tense.
When I find advantages for NOT having it yet, whatever I think “it” is, then the journey is so exciting.
Like Dorothy on the yellow brick road, like the middle of the Lord of The Rings, like all epic tales, the adventure continues.
Without suffering.
“The reason that you are here, wherever here is for you, is because it is the only place that you can be right now.” ~ Adyashanti
Without the thought that I should have done that by now, I can finally rest.
Much love, Grace