goals – The Work of Byron Katie with Grace

December 19, 2016

Freedom from your ideas, nothing is impossible (stress-free Resolutions)

nothing required for the stream to be happy

A client said to me yesterday, rolling her eyes….

….”this time of year, everyone’s assessing and thinking about their goals and year-end reflections and resolutions. Ugh.”

I could tell she was irritated at some of the ideas in her mind.

Goals.

What does the word conjure in your mind?

Many of us have completely thrown away all planning, striving for goals, setting goals, dreaming of some achievement out there in the future somewhere….

….and still….

….thoughts arise with scenes of what could be, what I might walk towards (even if I’m not running anymore), what I’d prefer, a hope for that wonderful vision to become realized.

When you have a dream of where you’d like to go or what you hope to achieve, do you feel stress? Does it make you want to roll your eyes?

I remember having goals in my past.

Long ago, when I was in my later teens and throughout my twenties, if you asked me at any time, in almost any situation, any moment of day, in the company of absolutely anyone (although I might not speak it out loud)….

….what my greatest dream, hope, goal, or longing was….

….I would say “to stop being crazy with food”.

Well, OK, honestly at age 14 (when I went on my first diet) my dream was to be thin. I wanted to be skinny and svelte. THEN after several years of that, I only dreamed of stopping the war with eating.

Be thin. Never overeat. Get control of the wild appetite.

As I grew older, the vision was not so much to be skinny, but to feel relaxed with food….although I would say it always included Not Craving, not obsessing, not thinking or re-thinking what I ate or would later eat.

Then being thin and ending obsession with food faded away (with deep help from therapists, groups, and clarity with emotions and relationships and no longer trying to be skinny all the time)….

….and instead I really wanted to be happy with money.

I wanted to feel like there was enough, I was satisfied and cared for, safe and secure.

Then….I wanted a mate, a close companion, a partner in life to live with and share adventures with.

And then….yet another vision to “work” towards.

Enlightenment.

For some reason, even though it’s so human, I feel a little embarrassed to speak of these goals, visions, dreams or hopes.

They aren’t very unique.

It seems like everyone wants these things in this culture I live in.

Here is so….scary, sad, disappointing, or boring.

Over there is better. In the future.

Is that true?

Oh surely, if I had 10 million dollars I’d be excited and happy. Wealth. Perfect health. Love.

Although…can I really absolutely know I’d be happy in every way, for the rest of my life, and never worry again if I had these things?

No.

Who are you when you believe reaching that goal (you know the one) would mean you could feel happy?

Constantly pushing, reaching, grabbing, wanting, and waiting to be happy….later.

Who would I be without the belief I need to earn double my income this upcoming year? Or lose 30 pounds? Or get married? Or get divorced? Or live in a different town? Or win the Olympic Gold medal? Or resolve that relationship. Or have a mind-blowing self-realization?

Right here now, without any thought that something needs to happen later, in the future, in order for you to be happy?

I notice it doesn’t mean I don’t naturally move in the direction of a vision, or an accomplishment….

….but there’s no stress.

It’s a weird paradoxical thing.

I don’t need anything to change right now, I don’t need this other condition this instant.

If that other state was not required for happiness (thinness, money, pain-free, health like x, partner like y, mind like z) what would THIS moment be like, right now?

Interesting. Strange. Wonderful. Amazing. Taking everything in. Noticing. Being here. No matter what the outside circumstances or condition.

How bizarre this is, to have it be OK to be the way it really is, right now.

So for example, with the endless goal I lived with for years (thinness, absence of eating battles) without the belief I needed to be thinner in order to be happy, I would have been brought to the present moment.

Sometimes the present moment required eating, sometimes it did not. Happy either way. Happy with the Way of It.

“The mark of a moderate human is freedom from his own ideas. Tolerant like the sky, all-pervading like sunlight, firm like a mountain, supple like a tree in the wind, he has no destination in view and makes use of anything life happens to bring his way. Nothing is impossible for him.” ~ Tao Te Ching #59

Ahhhhhh.

A way to be with all situations, even this thing called envisioning “goals”.

Turning it around: it is not necessary, that way of being or thing or condition I must have, in order to be happy. It is not necessary to be thin to be happy. It is not necessary to be rich to be happy. It is not necessary to have a relationship to be happy. It is not necessary to be self-realized to be happy.

Not having anything be necessary for happiness IS self-realization.

Oh!

Ha ha.

Much love,

Grace

January 7, 2016

Full of longing? Good.

Longing.

I wish…..

If only…..

The floating images through the mind that dream, sometimes with great angst, of a different future.

We’ve all been there.

I wish I had a soul mate
I wish I was back with that Other life partner
I wish I had a million dollars
I wish I could lose weight
I wish I had a nice place to live
I wish I could win
I wish I could create that awesome thing (book, song, movie, Ted Talk, organization, law, new world order)

I love looking more deeply at wishes.

The passion of desire, especially the kind where you can’t help yourself, you just keep pursuing it…..

…..can be a Great Adventure.

And yes, sometimes quite infuriating and disappointing.

But what if you stopped, and considered what you really want that thing, that event, that experience, that person…..for?

What would it give you, if you had it?

For example, a million bucks.

What would I have, if I had a million dollars.

OK, here’s something hilarious that just happened–my mind immediately said make it 10 million and now we’re talking.

So, let’s multiply it by ten.

What would I have?

Wow Wee, I would have security, freedom, independence, fun, adventure, excitement. I would be able to give generously. I’d feel completely secure for life. I’d feel genius about taking care of my kids and offering the best possible opportunities.

I would finally be able to be fully creative and figure out the best most genius program ever for helping people end compulsive or addictive or dependent trances…..food or otherwise.

Honestly?

I’d probably move into a bigger house and get a nicer car that’s not about to break down. And new hard wood floors….in the current house. Which I’d keep.

Sigh.

My lifestyle is so much lower than when I grew up.

Fume.

Notice the comparison that happens, when I believe I want that other thing (visions of the past, or images from movies, magazines, friends, family, neighbors).

Over there it looks like THAT. (Lots of good, sparkly stuff).

Over here it looks like THIS. (Lots of run down, old, ugly stuff).

Wait.

Did she say something about ending “dependent trances”?

Hmmmmm. Right.

Let’s keep going.

Who would you be without the belief that ten million dollars would offer safety, fun, independence….and that I don’t already have contact with all of those things?

Am I safe? Check. Having fun? Check. Independent? Very. Enjoying myself? Weeee! Adventure? Amazing.

And the thing is….

….if I didn’t feel any of these things a whole lot, or I wanted to feel them more….

….I could turn the volume up on the sensations, and find examples of how true they are, and bask in them RIGHT NOW.

In the Work of Byron Katie we speak of “living turnarounds”.

The way to live the opposite of your stressful thinking, and celebrate peaceful, joyful thinking instead.

What would it look like?

What would you do, if you lived it?

What would it feel like, if you felt it?

Now that’s a fun exercise.

And I don’t have to wish, or wait, to enjoy what I really wanted to enjoy in the first place.

Awesome.

Longing, felt fully, carries us to belonging.

~ Tara Brach, in Radical Acceptance

Much love, Grace

P.S. If you want to enter the feeling of being someone who lives with Eating Peace….only two weeks from today we’ll be practicing and feeling it for three full days in Seattle. It can stop the discouraged pattern of overeating, comfort eating, boredom eating…and allow you to enter what it’s like to feel peace instead. Hit reply with questions about signing up.

October 27, 2015

When your mind becomes clear, love can pour into your life

Feeling attraction towards another person is sooooo fun, right?

It happens in all cultures and places in the world and in history.

We make movies about epic love stories, the ups, the downs, the angst, the fulfillment.

Humans love attraction and to fulfill the attraction towards another (and actually, towards anything wanted)….

….to move towards what they want, to connect with it, to investigate it, to explore it, learn all about it, maybe even merge with it, obtain it, get there, have it, be with it.

I mean…..there is a HUGE market in romance novels, right?

The thing is…..there’s something we all actually know that isn’t quite so fun.

We don’t like to know it.

What we know is that it can be pretty stressful on either side of that brilliant fire moment when you get what you want.

Before you get what you want, and you’re hungry. After you get what you want, and you’re full.

a) If you’re on the side of BEFORE you get what you want….

….stress enters with beliefs like: this is taking too long, I’m lonely, it’s too late, I should be farther along by now, the person I want isn’t available, I’m too shy, they won’t like me, I’m empty, I could fail, I hate waiting, this is too stressful, I’m unhappy the way it is, I won’t make it, this sucks, cry.

b) If you’re on the side of AFTER you get what you want….

….stress enters with beliefs like: now what, I’m not really satisfied, what’s next, oh no I’m never satisfied, I’m bored, this isn’t what I expected, this isn’t it, I want something else, I got it wrong, I made a mistake, there must be something more, I’ll keep going, I’ll never rest, I can’t stop now, strive, frustration.

And it seems like that luscious juicy delicious all-satisfied resting place is very short lived.

I once heard one of my favorite teachers, Adyashanti, talking about this. He said as a serious professional bike athlete in his past, he could relate.

An athlete trains and trains for 12 years to cross a line first. Finally the day comes. She or he wins.

Adya chuckled while speaking at this point, saying….

….the winning athlete gets 3 days, maybe a week, of absolute joyful bliss of accomplishment.

Then it’s time to move on.

Wohn-wohn-wohn.

This may be a simplistic way of putting it, and it’s not all black and white, but it’s highlighting the feeling of being attracted to something, a goal, or a person, where the sense of completeness is not yet discovered or felt.

Over here, with myself, I am empty or missing or alone.

If I had that, over THERE then I would be whole, full, found and together.

But is that actually true?

We notice the mind doesn’t ever really feel satisfied. Not the individual personal mind with a small “m”.

It’s constantly unsure.

It’s constantly looking out for what’s missing. It’s constantly thinking it needs something.

Who would you be, though, without your beliefs about LOVE?

If you couldn’t have the thought that you need more love, that you need a mate to actually become loved?

It’s the weirdest, most opposite thought to the dream of what all the love songs are about.

It’s not NORMAL to be satisfied and feel love, connection, presence, wholeness right here.

Except….what if it was?

What if you could sit here, this instant, and turn this whole crazy something-is-missing festival into a love-is-here festival?

Is there something besides your disappointed mind, or your anxious thoughts, that can notice the room you’re in right now?

How does your body feel while you read these words?

What else is surrounding you?

What if you took a deep, deep breath right now, and felt the love pouring into your body through the life force of oxygen?

What if now was enough, enough, enough….

….what would this feel like? What would you walk like? How would you behave today? What would you say? What would you do?

Turning all the thoughts around to the opposite:

This is taking just the right amount of time, I’m connected, it’s not too late, I should be exactly where I am, anything is available to me, I’m not too shy, they like me, I can’t fail, I love pausing, this is exciting, I’m happy the way it is, I will make it, this is awesome, I relax….

….now is sweet, I’m really satisfied, what’s next, my thinking is never satisfied (and I am), I’m entertained, this is better than I expected, this is it, I want this, I got it right, I made a correction, there must be something less, I’ll keep going, I’ll always rest, I can stop now, relax.

This could all be just as true or truer, whether you think you need a lover, a million dollars, to achieve “x”.

Whether it’s true love or spiritual enlightenment, what if this moment here was enough?

“Love is what you are already. Love doesn’t seek anything. It’s already complete. It doesn’t want, doesn’t need, has no shoulds. It already has everything it wants, it already is everything it wants, just the way it wants it…..Seeking love is how you lose the awareness of love. But you can only lose the awareness of it, not the state. That’s not an option, because love is what we all are. That’s immovable.When you investigate your stressful thinking and your mind becomes clear, love pours into your life, and there’s nothing you can do about it.” ~ Byron Katie

In this present moment, I love the sights I have on the horizon. The things I imagine will be fun and wonderful when I arrive there.

But I also know, just like you, that thing we already know.

That it doesn’t really matter if I get there. At all.

The grand experience of peace can only be with letting go of the outcome, the idea of the way it will be someday, later on.

This doesn’t mean if you actually feel alone that you don’t pick up the phone and talk with a good friend, and study your aloneness. It doesn’t mean laying in bed all day (unless it is what is called for in the body). It’s doesn’t mean feeling negatively resigned to never getting “it”. It doesn’t mean dropping your writing schedule as you write your book.

It is noticing what is here, rather than focusing on what is not. It is noticing the nothingness rather than the content of what is passing.

It is feeling the love pouring in through the air, the floor you’re standing on, the chair you’re sitting in, the teenager walking past you, the window you’re looking out of, the skin touching the door knob, the warm chest of a friend you’re hugging.

And when you feel this way, right NOW….

….do you think it might be more possible, or less possible, to experience that luscious juicy all-satisfied fire spark Ah-Ha place?

Just saying.

Much Love, Grace

December 12, 2013

I Don’t Have To Do Anything

Some time ago I was working with a man who was newly in business as a chiropractor. He wanted customers, and he felt like he was soooo struggling.

His voice was so sincere and kind, and I heard his disappointment and worry. He wanted to support his wife, he wanted to have kids, but he was feeling very unhappy about the lack of money coming in.

“This is way harder than I thought. I’m going to fail. I have to do something.”

I was there. I knew what he was talking about.

About 7 years ago I was losing everything I owned, and on the brink of losing my house.

I had been in a coach-training program, I had my master’s degree in behavioral science (from ten years before) and I was completing the certification for The Work.

I sent away for PhD program brochures, even though I had nothing left to pay for one of them.

I thought I needed to be in MORE action. I needed to DO something, ASAP.

I believed I had to have more experience, more credentials, more training and more authority, more discipline. I needed goals, plans and clear direction. I believed I was missing something, desperately.

Many authors, coaches, mentors, or teachers of well-being and human potential talk about ACTION and BEING.

Like they’re super different.

If you’re “being” you’re simply feeling it, kickin’ back, relaxed, not bossing yourself around, no schedule.

If you’re “acting” then you’re busy, fired up, excited and completing things.

It can be really rough when you believe you should be in action, or you should be “being” and you’re out of balance to one side or the other.

If you’re in action too much: wreckless, tired, driven, workaholic, busy, no time, burned out, angry, frustrated, determined, mad at other people, yelling at the slow traffic, making mistakes.

If you’re being too much: lazy, unaccomplished, no gains, everything stays the same or gets worse, unproductive, fearful, careful, defensive, too much time (and wasting time).

One of the best ways to identify your stressful thoughts about either of these conditions is to picture that person who represents either “action” orientation, or “being” orientation, and judge the heck outta them.

This is not judging yourself–you got that going on already, massively even.

Just try judging someone else instead.

The man I was working with was frightened of his parent’s criticism, and also comparing himself to other chiropractors who were way successful.

I myself found many judgments of some of the master coach trainers I had encountered in the world. They seemed to be saying “get off your ass” all the time.

GO GO GO!

Being interested so deeply in internal freedom, I rebel against that sort of thing!

I also noticed judgments of people who do nothing, who complain about their same job but never leave it, people who want a spouse but never go out or try to meet anyone or go on dates, people who want a thriving practice but get scared about promoting themselves, people who are upset about making mistakes, people who say they want to lose weight, but doing examine their relationship with food or movement.

Oh where to begin?

The man I was working with knew that he had such anxiety about income that he never stopped thinking frantically of his need to be in action. And yet, he was becoming immobile.

Not uncommon, but crazy, right?

Let’s do The Work and see.

I know what I could “do” but it’s too hard, will take too long, will mean I have to take risks, that I could fail. And I hate HAVING to do something.

Is this true? Can you absolutely know that you’d feel better if you never had to try to get a single client in your life? Can you know it’s true that you’ll be worn out, that you’ll fail, or that you’d have a lot MORE fun sitting around your house in your PJs?

Are you sure it will take too long? That its overwhelming? Are you positive that quitting is best, right now? Do you really need to give up altogether?

AND are you sure that if you took the entire day off, without being on task for getting what you want….that you wouldn’t get it?

I remember only about 2 years ago, thinking…if I have to keep working like this to build a private practice, then maybe it’s not worth it.

Fortunately, I had The Work so I could question my thinking.

How do you react when you believe you MUST take action NOW, or that you can’t relax? How do you react when you watch those other successful people and you criticize their lifestyle?

When I think I must take action NOW and it’s stressful, I quit, I exit, I drop the whole thing…or I feel aggressive, furious, competitive.

But who would I be without the thought that I MUST take action, or that I MUST be in non-action?

“Do what you love, and the money will follow? The first part of this sentence is true.” ~ David Whyte

Almost hard to even imagine this experience of NOT having the thought that you must be active or being. You mean, I only have to do whatever I do? Nothing more? Nothing less?

Without the thought, I simply notice that there are consequences that happen, whether I’m in action or not.

I do a fabulous gymnastics move, I tear my hamstring, I go to a business networking meeting, I have fun talking with people, I post on facebook, people come to the dance, I spend an hour a day writing, more and more people read, I take my son to breakfast, we have a wonderful conversation.

This then that. Nothing 100% guaranteed.

I turn it all around: This is going to be easier than I thought, I’m going to succeed, I don’t HAVE to do anything.

I notice I love creating programs that help people (and me) understand the mind and stressful thinking, I notice I adore writing every day, I love working with people, I love leading workshops, I love watching a great movie, I love going out to breakfast, I love reading.

I love noticing what I love. My preferences. I’m action, then not. It all blends together with being, steadiness, quiet, gentleness, power.

Here is a great video about this, Katie doing The Work with a woman who believed her father forced her to complete household tasks.

What’s The Reality Of Pressure?

“Until I take responsibility, the world is my problem.” ~ Byron Katie

Much love, Grace

October 14, 2013

Should You Be There By Now?

The difference between looking at your life in a macro, high altitude what-is-the-meaning-of-my-life way, and looking at it in the day-to-day buy-groceries-do-the-laundry way can feel huge.

Since I was on “spiritual” retreat lately I spent time contemplating the great question “who am I?”

I also contemplated my writing and how much longer it was going to take to finish my book on ending disordered eating and addiction with self-inquiry.

Which I thought would be done by now.

It’s like my mind would pop over to the issue of when, how and where I would fit in time to get crackin’ at that project and FINISH it.

Some of my retreat companions had the same ideas about enlightenment.

They thought they’d be “awake” by now, given all their study of consciousness over many years.

That’s a funny and insidious little thought, that something should have happened by now that hasn’t actually happened yet.

I should have found a life partner by now
I should have lost weight by now
I should be over my addictive thinking by now
I should have made a coupla million by now
I should have discovered by perfect career by now
I should be famous by now
I should be enlightened by now

Even if you don’t believe it entirely, it can still be somewhat annoying just noticing that you aren’t quite where you thought you might be.

Not there yet.

I remember learning math in grade school and the idea that you can keep dividing a number by another number and although it gets close to zero, it never actually gets to zero.

How irritating!

The funny thing is….not ever getting there seems to be the way of life.

Even recognizing this, it’s so much fun to do The Work on some goal that is particularly irksome to you personally.

That thing you’re reaching for, that seems elusive or Not Quite It yet.

“I should be there by now”.

Is it true?

Yes! If I had pulled it together, completed the book proposal, and sent it out, then I’d be a) making more money, b) published, which I foresaw in myself since age 18, and c) able to finally rest.

The goal would be complete. I’d have cooked that one. I’d feel proud, accomplished, happy.

But can you absolutely know that it’s true that you should have that thing, be done with that project, have it done, be there? Are you sure it would mean you could finally rest?

Hmmm. Seems like it would be nice. Seems like it would be pleasant to stop the seeking, moving, forward motion, examination, reaching for that.

Yet I can’t absolutely KNOW that it’s true that if I DID complete this thing, that if it WAS finished, that I would be happy, resolved, secure, satisfied.

I might feel settled or thrilled for a few minutes, and then have new ideas.

That’s happened before.

So….no. I can’t absolutely know that it’s true that I should have that or be there by now.

How do you react when you believe you should have done that, said that, arrived there, finished that by now?

Discouraged. Hopeless. Applying MORE energy and intensity. Wondering what’s missing. Ready to drive harder. Or else give up in despair.

With the thought, the mind races. Gets a bigger plan. Figures out a new approach. Regroups. Can’t rest.

With the thought, I’m aware of time passing. Hurry hurry hurry!

Ack. It’s very tiring.

So who would you be without the thought that you should have that, be there, or done that by now?

Without the thought that you should have finished that book, or gotten married, or had a kid, or finished your degree, or built a business empire, or become enlightened?

Suddenly, without those kinds of thoughts, there is this moment here, unfinished, not quite done yet, but all just fine.

I hear sounds, see this room, feel the temperature, notice this body, feel the pulse of being alive.

I have images in my mind of all these hopes, dreams, accomplishments, realized goals…..and this unfinished, open, infinite, wild moment of NOW.

Without the thought of the sadness of unfinished goals, there is empty space and quiet and somehow, inexplicably…there is joy. Right here.

I should NOT have found a life partner by now
I should NOT have lost weight by now
I should NOT be over my addictive thinking by now
I should NOT have made a coupla million by now
I should NOT have discovered by perfect career by now
I should NOT be famous by now
I should NOT be enlightened by now

How could this be as true, or truer, than thinking I should have made it by now?

How is it awesome, fabulous and exciting that I haven’t achieved these things, completed it, finished it, gotten over it, made it?

“As long as we think there is something to get (or something we’ve gotten that we need to hold onto, or identify with, or remain ever-mindful of), we will suffer. When it is recognized that there is literally nothing to get and no one to get it, that is freedom.” ~ Joan Tollifson

I love noticing that being here now without thinking that I know what’s best for me is so sweet, mysterious, and strange.

When I’m the ruler of the universe about what I should have by now (whatever that is) then I get very tense.

When I find advantages for NOT having it yet, whatever I think “it” is, then the journey is so exciting.

Like Dorothy on the yellow brick road, like the middle of the Lord of The Rings, like all epic tales, the adventure continues.

Without suffering.

“The reason that you are here, wherever here is for you, is because it is the only place that you can be right now.” ~ Adyashanti

Without the thought that I should have done that by now, I can finally rest.

Much love, Grace